Let's not let go of our hearts

I could feel the sweat running down my already damp forehead as I dragged my feet along the sidewalk. Dreading going there, having to say “I’m sorry, but…” to that person, all possible scenarios ran through my head. Most of them ended with two people crying, mourning the death of a great friendship.

You see, I was going to meet my best friend Wonwoo who had been acting suspicious for a while now. He had called me the night before, but he wasn’t the calm yet cheerful person I’ve known and loved (strictly as a friend) these past years. Instead, his voice was trembling, and I could almost feel how clammy his palms were when he had finally mustered up the courage to ask me to meet him at our usual hangout. The moment I heard a sigh of relief escaping from between his lips, I realised it: this day (April 12th 20XX) would be the day my best friend would confess to me—and the day I’d turn him down.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door of the picturesque café and saw him. It was an idyllic sight: a beautiful man wearing a slightly oversized sweater, sipping a cup of coffee while a glow of light around him perfectly complimented his slim, elegant figure. He was holding a barely kept together book, full of battle scars from its pages being turned over almost every day.

He read it with a small grin making his nose scrunch up while the cherry blossoms outside the window flew in his direction, as if they were trying to approach him, attempting to touch him, just to make sure that such a wondrous man truly exists.

For a moment I didn’t know what to do and reconsidered the answer I was going to give him. I cleared my throat and shook my head, reminding myself that this was my mind playing tricks on me and that this was not how I felt in my heart. That yes, he was everything I ̶̶w̶a̶n̶t̶e̶d̶, needed in a man, but he was Wonwoo, and I couldn’t afford to lose him. I loved him, but as much more than a potential love interest. I loved him as something I myself still can’t grasp. He was someone I had to have close to me, but not close to me.

As I kept reminding myself of this, I walked towards the table and seated myself in front of Wonwoo. He was so immersed in his book that I didn’t dare interrupt him and just ended up staring at him, reminiscing the halcyon times in which our relationship wasn’t this complicated, this forced.

Eventually, Wonwoo’s gaze strayed from the book in front of him and landed on me. We stayed staring at each other for just a touch too long, but I couldn’t manage to look away.

“Hiya, didn’t see you there… Thanks for coming.” He said before he awkwardly chuckled, which showed me that he felt whatever our gaze just before was as well.

“No problem, so…. what are you reading?” I ask, trying to get rid of the tension that was hanging around us, covering both our mouths and our hearts.

“Just a book about some stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?” I ask, continuing to show interest, silently telling him that I wasn’t happy with the answer he gave me and I wanted him to gather up some courage to just tell me what he wanted to tell me.

“You know, just your typical dramatic love story kind of stuff.”

Those words were the final straw. I knew Wonwoo, I knew what he was doing. This was him pretending not to listen in the hope that I’d give up on starting a conversation so we could sit there without saying, or even conveying anything. But he knew me as well. He knew that wouldn’t work, that I’m as stubborn as a mule and that I’d keep trying to get one word with at least a tiny bit of intonation from between his lips. Usually he’d give up, he’d know we could be sitting here for long, painful hours of me coming up with anything I could to get him to talk and him dodging every question as if his life depended on it. But not this time, this time was different.

“Just tell me why you called me here already!” The frustration and desperation were evident in my voice as I shouted this while standing up and slamming both of my hands on the table loudly. He was taken aback by my sudden outburst and leaped in his seat a little. He was looking for the right words and avoiding eye contact as the entire café stared us, probably thinking that we should take this ‘lovers’ quarrel’ elsewhere.

After a while he sighed and put his hands together, carefully placing them on the table. “You see, the thing is, I…” He was still looking anywhere but at my face while I looked at him with a look of both hope and dread in my eyes when he finally did it and confessed, at last.

His golden locks flew like a perfect wave in the wind as he ran towards me. His brown eyes stared into my soul, laying my deepest, darkest secrets on the table. His voice brought me back to reality when I got lost in memories I’d rather forget. His name was beautiful, but it couldn't show just how perfect he was. Every time I said it I got lost in the happiness he gave me.

His name was Stan.

I remember when I first saw him. When I told everyone about him, they were all excited for me because they knew that he was what I had wanted all my life. At least I thought everyone was happy for me. The one person I thought would be the happiest, the person I thought would be there with me all the way, wasn’t smiling.

Mingyu had been my best friend for as long as I could remember. He was there when I broke my leg. He let me squeeze his arm every time I got vaccinated. He held me close when my mother passed away. I couldn't remember us being apart for more than a week. But this time, he didn’t talk to me for thirteen days.

At the beginning I thought it was just because our schedules didn’t overlap, but after a couple of days it became obvious that he was avoiding me. He didn’t walk home with me, he stopped replying to my texts and every time he spotted me, he went the other way. He was mad about something, but I didn’t know what. Countless nights I thought about what could possibly make him this upset with me, but I couldn’t come up with anything.

I felt alone. When I wanted to talk about how the biggest part of our group of friends obviously hated me for no apparent reason, I couldn’t. Because the last person I thought I could trust, I could build on, turned out to be just like the rest. It felt like there was a hole in me where he used to be. Only Stan and his love were there to fill it up.

I couldn’t just let this continue, I had to talk to Mingyu, whether he liked it or not.

On Thursdays he had his last class in the classroom next to mine. I had come up with a genius plan and it was time to set it in motion. His teacher asked him to stay after class, told him he had to get something and asked him to wait in the classroom for a while.

That was my cue. The teacher tossed me his keys, I walked in and immediately locked the door.

“I’m not letting you out until you tell me why you’re avoiding me.” A soft sigh escaped his lips. “I’m not avoiding you.” Raising my eyebrow I plopped down on a chair. “Then I guess we’re staying overnight.” He gave me a piercing glare. “Not funny. Now let me go, I have basketball practice.” “Don’t worry, I already told your coach you’d be late or not show up.” The way he stared at me made me realize he wasn’t mad, he was hurt. Deeply hurt.

I sighed. “Listen, Mingyu. I don’t know what I did or said to upset you this much, but can’t we talk this out? I miss you. I miss us.” A sarcastic laugh, almost scoff, escaped his lips. “For someone who misses me, you sure found it easy to replace me. Do you have any idea how much that hurts? To watch someone just take your place right in front of your eyes?”

“Replace you? What are you talking about? You’ve always been my best friend. You are my best friend.”

His face startes to become bright red, his eyes nearnly popping out of their sockets.

“I used to be your giant puppy! But then you got Stan from the animal shelter and you stopped giving me that nickname. Don’t you get how embarrassing this is for me?! I’m jealous of a dog. A DOG.”

“Woohoo, we’re finally here!” After a 3 hours long drive, we made it. There it was, right in front of us.

The carnival.

I was already racing towards the entrance while Minghao was still opening his car door. “Nihao, move your ass, you grandpa! I wanna go explore!”

“I’m coming, I’m coming! Calm down, woman!”

We just got out of the haunted house when I saw it. There it stood, in all of its glory, luring me (and my money) in.

I tapped my buddy on the shoulder, still hypnotized by the beauty standing so close, yet so far. “Nihao, look at that teddy.”

“Which one?” he said, looking at the wide range of stuffed animals. But I only saw one. A plushie wearing a sailor’s outfit with a bucket of seashells in its hand. I slowly raised my shaking hand, pointing it towards the beautiful bear. “That one. It’s calling me, Hao Hao. It wants to be mine.” A sigh escaped his lips as he shook his head and looked at the teddy. “Then why don’t you win it? It’s just a claw machine.” “I… might have spent all of my money on those hamburgers earlier.” “Well then, maybe you’ll find it somewhere else another time.”

He was already leaving, but I couldn’t just walk away. The teddy wanted me and I wanted the teddy. We were meant to be, I was sure of it. Just when I wanted to give up, my brilliant brain blessed me with an amazing idea.

I cheekily grinned and put on my best puppy face. “My dear, lovely, amazing-” “I’m stopping you right there.” He heaved a big sigh and didn’t say anything while walking up to the claw machine.

“You can give up, you know. I’m fine with not having it.” This idiot spent almost $100 trying to win me the plushie and it didn’t look like he was stopping any time soon. “It isn’t just about the teddy bear anymore, it’s about my pride as a man.” A crowd was starting to form around us and people seemed anxious to know who’d win. A 19-year-old man or a claw machine.

“I DID IT! I WON! Look, I got it for you!” I smiled at him and took the stuffed animal out of his hands. It only took a few seconds before his gummy grin turned into a frown. “I just spent $100 on a claw machine. I- I didn’t win.”