back to the disaster

“Cooper, you see Jensen anywhere? His shift starts in ten.”  “Nope, not at all. But, I will keep an eye out, just gotta finish these notes” 

That was a lie, she had seen Jensen...and she had no notes. Keegan was currently letting the trauma surgeon rest under her desk. 

her break had ended a while ago, though she hadn’t been watching the clock.

 instead she’d broken out the guitar from the closet she hid it in (and paid the janitor to keep the secret of) and suffered through making herself a few cups of hospital coffee, hiding out in a room. 

the encounter with calla had shaken her up more than keegan wanted to admit it had. it was driving her absolutely insane. and she just...needed to escape on the break she had before she put herself through more. 

so...she was holed up in a room, playing taylor swift songs on her guitar, trying to avoid the world. 

                    ❝      good   thing   we’ll   be   long   gone   by   the   time   that   comes   around   then   ,   eh   ?      ❞         she   couldn’t   help   but   laugh   at   the   way   keegan   got   so   wound   up   over   something   as   small   as   this      (   but   then   again   ,      it   was   coffee   so   was   it   really   such   a   small   thing   ?   )      but   none   of   the   laughter   came   from   a   place   of   malice   or   judgement   or   anything   close   to   either   thing   .         ❝      and   who   knows   ?      maybe   when   that   day   does   eventually   come   keurig’s   will   be   gone   too   ,   if   they’re   really   as   bad   as   you   say   they   are      ❞

“you hope we’ll be long gone.” she chuckled. “we’ll be stuck there forever, who’re you kidding?” one day she would...maybe be less passionate about coffee. but everyone was passionate about something, right? this was her thing. “those things are the devil and i’m telling you it’s a hill i will go down on. convenient? maybe. but they’ll probably never die. or maybe i’m just too old fashioned and enjoy puttin’ the work into brewing my coffee...or forking over cash or my card at cup of joe’s if I dare to go fancy, my sisters are in a literal toss up over which.” 

If Keegan’s intent had been to hurt her it had worked; the words continued to ring in her head and there was nothing she could do to make it go away because it was true. In that one day Calla had took a match and had set whatever hope they had left aflame but she never had been good at holding onto something good without destroying it. 

“How was I supposed to know that?” She spat back, a touch too loud for their setting, but she couldn’t control the guilt and anger that took hold. “The months leading up to that it felt like I was living with a ghost. We never talked, not about anything that mattered.” In fact if Calla really thought about it they were over far before she had slept with her boss in their bed. Whatever relationship they had fizzled out long before she cheated. 

Though she wonders if they could’ve fixed it; if they had just sat down and talked but these days Calla avoids even going down that road because it hurt too much because it was too late for what if’s. 

They really needed to get the hell out of the store and take this to the parking lot, but Keegan seemed frozen where she was.

“We t–“ If Calla’s words were supposed to snap some sense into her, it had worked, because the rebuttal she had immediately died out on her tongue. They hadn’t talked. Not like Keegan wanted to imagine. She wasn’t present like she should’ve been…that much she had known, but she had thought at sone point she was changing. Except she hadn’t; most of their conversations were limited to the weather or maybe when five minutes of their day crossed over in the kitchen and one was going just as the other was getting up or going to bed.

Calla had lit the flame. Keegan had all but poured the gasoline over it.

“I…Fuck.” She put her hands out on the shelf in front of her, suddenly not feeling as steady on her feet or in herself. “Fuck.” She repeated, shaking her head.

It was like someone had started playing back a movie of their last few months in her mind, changing it from what Keegan had believed it was to the truth Calla had spoken. What do you even say to that? Could they have even fixed anything? Was the apology on her tongue something that would hold meaning at this point, as late as it was? There was no redemption at this point. At least she was sure there wasn’t.

“Cal…” She closed her eyes, shook her head once more, like she was building up courage or wanting it all to go away….which she sort of was. If they were going to lay it all out here, go big or go home. She opened her eyes, shelf still clearly there. Okay, wishing herself away didn’t work. Her head turned to look at her ex, praying to whatever god would listen there weren’t actual tears in her eyes like she was suddenly feeling. “I’m…fuck it’s too fucking late for sorry, but I’m sorry.”

   "ohh! oops!“ elijah laughed a little at his mix-up, offering an apologetic smile. if there was one thing, elijah was it was curious. even from a young age, the guy had always been curious about the world around him, who he was, things like that, but most of all, he was curious about people. in his opinion, everyone had a damn good story to tell, and elijah wanted to hear and be a part of all of them. while it was impossible to get to know everyone in the world, of course, he tried his hardest to get to know those who gave him the time of day. "oh, man, i bet it does beat emt work! whew. but still, it has to be pretty rough. you know what they say, right? not all heroes wear capes.” his attention turns to the mystery goodie bag, laughing lightly at her comment, “i’m relieved to know the name intrigues you to buy whatever is in the bag because i was worried the name could make the bags seem sus. i couldn’t think of a good name! it was either mysterious goodies or bag of goods. the second just sounded so…plain.” as he talks, he’s moving some papers to set up for the quick paperwork session, softly smiling at the puppy’s little whines, “aw. he’s already attached.” the comment the brunette makes about paperwork makes him chuckle, “mine as well. sometimes i feel like i work more with paper than animals.” the small stack of paper is placed on the table, two fold-up chairs were also pulled up, “here we go. i’ll go make the coffee for you while you scan through this stuff. it’s the basics name, address, birthday, and then i’ll start to ask you more in-depth questions about why you’re choosing to adopt. you don’t have to write too much; if you don’t want, i trust you enough to know you’re going to take care of this little guy.” he gives her a warm smile before moving over to the electric kettle to get it heated, grabbing the familiar white foam cups, and setting things up for the cup of coffee. “i’m glad i gave you the motivation you needed to take the leap! have you ever had a pet before, keegan? by the way, love your name.”

“no no, it’s fine! it’s...amazing how many technicians work in a hospital so it’s a common mix-up. it’s still mind-blowing to me and i work there.” she laughs. “emt work had its perks but i think i enjoy the er more. i wouldn’t say i’m a hero...i do work with some pretty awesome heros, though.” as much shit as she gave them, she was proud of her coworkers. “bag of goods also sounds a little suspicious in conversation. mysterious goodies sounds less suspicious” instinctively her hand moves up and down the pup’s back, which seems to relax him. “he’s going to have a hell of a time the first time I leave for work, I’m sure.” she took the paperwork and sat down, most of it was stuff she’d seen in terms of name and birthday, address, etc. that was easy to fill out, of course. She’d never been more thankful to spring on having a house with a yard. “ah it’s no trouble, I’ll have to try to cliff-notes it though, there’s so many reasons.” she smiles, looking down at the pup who has now more than made himself comfortable in her lap. Yep, definitely a good decision. “We did have a couple of dogs growing up. One of my roommates in college had a cat, and the other had a dog that quickly became everyone’s dog, she wiggled her way into her hearts so quick.  So pets definitely aren’t new to me. gee thanks, dad and mom flipped a coin and Dad won.” she offers a small shrug. “perks of having four sisters I guess. one named my oldest sister, the other named the second oldest, with me i got a coin flip.”

                    ❝      you’re   preaching   to   the   choir   here   ,      keegan   .      i’m   not   about   to   argue   with   you      ❞      answering   with   a   laugh   once   she   was   sure   her   friend   had   finished   her   little   tirade   .         ❝      but   i   think   you   can   count   your   lucky   stars   :   i   can’t   see   the   hospital   changing   to   anything   that   high-tech   anytime   this   century      ❞

…god she’d needed to get that off her chest. especially after getting in an argument with the sister who had gifted her a keurig a few years prior. who better to listen than morrigan? she had to listen to her complaints most of the day anyway. “i am just saying…they’re ruining a good thing and i will die on that hill. and the day the hospital ever decides to upgrade to those things is the day i will take up space in the lobby and hold a sit-in…” she pauses to consider her words. “wait, no, that’s too much work, I’ll take a vow of silence to the higher ups and just lug in instant coffee and stock up in my locker like a squirrel squirreling away nuts for winter.”

   he chuckled, smiling at her correction, “tech. that’s pretty neat! probably a stupid question, but, have you ever taken any x-rays? if so, i have to ask, are those machines hard to learn?” throughout his life, elijah had been in and out of the hospital often enough to have gotten curious over a couple of things that involved hospitals. during one stay, he was so bored he began to wonder about every machine in there, like the laser machines; he wondered if they were all run by a couple of giant buttons or if they had a bunch of smaller knobs people needed to learn. as the puppy went in for the cuteness attack, his mind strayed from the hospital thoughts; he couldn’t’ help the lighthearted laugh that left his lips. “isn’t it great how they always seem to know when their forever human has arrived? i’m happy you two are going to start this journey together. you’re really going to be great. and!” he excitedly gets up, rushing over to a crate in the corner, “i made these little guys as ‘congratulations’ goodie bags. now i can finally give one away today!” he happily exclaims, holding up a brown bag labeled 'mystery goodies’ that contained chew toys, dog-friendly cookies, some more treats, and coupons for pet food. he walks over with the bag and a clipboard in hand. “now we just have to get some of this boring paper stuff out of the way, and you’re free to take your little guy home! would you like some tea or instant coffee while we go through it? it should only take a couple of minutes.” he pauses, chuckling a little, “i’m so sorry, i didn’t even give a name. i’m elijah! it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“you are thinking of an x-ray tech so no. but there’s so many different technicians i can’t blame you. basically i’m the one doing the dirty work; helping with whatever the nurses tell me to do. chances are i’m the first face you see, or the last one because i’ve got the discharge paperwork. it’s never the same...but it’s certainly better than emt work i’ll tell you that.” she chuckles. she’s never seen someone actually...seemingly invested in what she did. was a nice change of pace. everyone just assumed doctor and she did not have the patience for medical school.  god, his excitement was contagious, and she couldn’t wipe the grin off her face. “i enjoy how that says mysterious goodies, and i know i’m already going to be buying triple of whatever’s in there.” she carefully maneuvers the puppy to one arm to the puppy’s disappointment. “easy little guy, i’ve still got papers to fill out before you can go anywhere.” she looked up. “ah boring paperwork is the story of my life, hit me.” she says with a smile. “i never thought i’d say this because i have an aversion to instant coffee...but i wouldn’t mind a cup. i’m keegan, the pleasure is all mine because you’ve given me the kick in the pants to finally go through on my want for a new friend. coming home won’t be so bad now, eh little one?” 

“with that look, you’re not allowed over anymore. for the love of my coffee machine.” orion snorted as they took a sip of their own drink. “speaking of which, i need to top off. let’s stop in over here.” 

“Pfft, I don’t need to sabotage your coffee machine. That idea hadn’t even crossed my mind, until you said it.” though keegan would never. that’s just too cruel. “hey, don’t have to tell me twice, lead the way.” 

“I don’t have a coffee-maker either,” He commiserates, though that didn’t weigh on him in the way it seemed to weigh on her. It would be nice though, he thought. 

“Yeah this shit does actually suck, so none taken. It’s just fucking easy and that’s the route I’ll always take.” Dropping the offending jar into the basket, he eyed her curiously. “You a doctor or something?” He wonders aloud, making that assumption based on her mentioning hospital coffee. 

“....how do you survive?” The question slips out before she can stop it. Maybe she was getting too addicted...nah, no such thing. 

“I feel it. That’s why a jar stays in my locker. Because you never know when it’ll come in handy.” Almost as if a second thought, she grabbed a jar for herself. She was running low and it may save her. “ER tech but...I do the dirty work no one wants to do. Better than EMT duty I’ll give it that much” 

   it didn’t take elijah long at all to have his smile brighten. the woman’s compassion and kindness were contagious; he couldn’t help the instant warmth he felt in his belly because of it. “you’re so kind, worrying about me, if you are a doctor, i bet your patients love you.” he didn’t want to assume as the medical field was quite large, but it was comforting to know people like the woman in front of him were in it. as she mentions being tempted to take the puppy home, elijah’s smile brightens even more; he doesn’t miss a beat, “he’s already potty trained, too,” he says, trying to sway the brunette to take the little guy with her. it was as if the puppy had decided he also wanted to try his luck at going home with the woman because he somehow managed to wiggle free of elijah’s grasp, placing his little paws on her cheeks, playfully leaning in to give her little puppy kisses. “oh! i guess he’s trying to go home with you, too, isn’t he? you know, if you can’t take him home today, you help us find a name for him. he’s so new to the shelter we haven’t been able to think of one for him yet…”

“er tech...but close enough for most people.” she offered but a small shrug. sometimes she doesn’t want to care as much but...man was it cold. “oh don’t tell me that, that was going to be a dealbreaker.” she definitely had time for a dog, or she’d find it, but potty training was going to be a nightmare she wasn’t going to be able to deal with. and then, as if knowing was he was doing, the puppy went in for the kill. “oh man! alright little dude, you drive a hard bargain here.” she laughs. outside a tent is not the place to make this decision. but...she did have the room, and she had been considering this for a while. “i feel like outside in a tent near the grocery store is the wrong place to make this choice...but hell, i have considered it for a while. and he really does drive a hard bargain. hard to say no...alright let’s do it. potty training was the dealbreaker and if he already knows his stuff, and i’m fully ready, guess i can’t tell this little face no, can i?” 

                    it   was   a   habit   she’d   had   since   her   very   first   semester   on   placement   :      collecting   together   all   her   marking   and   settling   down   in   a   corner   in   cup   of   joes   with   an   iced   latte      (   regardless   of   the   weather   )   and   knocking   through   as   much   as   she   could   in   one   sitting   .   there   like   clockwork   enough   that   people   knew   they   could   find   here   there   ,      and   that   she   was   always   searching   for   a   distraction   from   the   monotony   of   marking   .         ❝      it’s   the   fact   i   don’t   even   need   to   ask   who   it   was   that   asked   you   to   pass   on   the   message   that’s   the   most   telling   about   all   this   ❞         vesna   sighed   ,      the   hint   of   a   smile   on   her   face   despite   everything   ,      a   slight   wave   of   her   hand   letting   the   other   know   the   seat   opposite   was   free   if   she   was   wanting   it   .         ❝      it’s   like   i   never   told   them   to   learn   from   my   mistakes   …      and   to   always   have   a   fire   extinguisher   nearby   if   they   don’t      ❞

she nudged the chair free and sat down with her coffee. only the second of the day, she was on a roll.  "god if you could only have seen his face when I asked him where the hell his fire extinguisher." she lets her brain wander back. “then as soon as he said the words ‘trying to recreate an experiment’ i was thinking well shit. then the fire extinguisher jab rolled off the tongue. there was an ‘oh shit’ look from him and my supervisor thinking i was insane.” she took a sip of the hot liquid, enjoying it for a moment. “good news is he’s still got use of his hand,  and i think he’s learned his lesson. i hope he’s learned his lesson because at some point the ones who haven’t learned from you are going to come into the er after trying things and i’m going to stop trying to be nice and just straight up remind them they’re an idiot and their teacher has rules and knows her stuff for a reason.” 

“You some kinda coffee purist?” Xavier asks, not judging either way but he imagines if that was the case then the jar of instant coffee he had plucked off the aisle shelf would probably be considered sacrilege. He just didn’t have the patience for all that brewing and concocting – good thing he wasn’t a barista. Or a witch. 

“Purist? Nah.” Though at the rate she was going, Keegan probably could consider a second career track. “Just....very addicted, very tired of not having a coffee maker, and very tired of instant coffee” Her eyes trailed to the jar. “No offense, it comes in handy in a rush and I used to keep a jar with me in my locker...the kind at the hospital just blows, I’m not entirely sure it’s actually coffee.” 

The words stung but Calla would never admit it, she wasn’t going to look weak in front of Keegan, wasn’t going to allow her ex to know that it still hurt. After all, she was the villain wasn’t she? She was the one who had tore everything apart it didn’t matter much what had lead her to it. “Did you ever think that what I wanted was you? Not what you could give me.” The words had left her mouth before she could stop them from tumbling out but every word was the truth. All Calla wanted was to be seen, to not feel like she was living with a ghost. 

"Me, huh? Did you want me the same night I came home early to surprise you and you were fucking your boss in our bed?" That was low, and she almost regretted it when it came out of her mouth...almost. But she’d been holding onto that one for a long time. "Because I can still hear the sound of the flowers hitting the floor and the softest yet loudest oh shit I ever did hear.”

 Was this the place to say it? No. But...there was some pain that subsided, until more rushed in in its place. “I had a plan! Once I knew we'd be okay, that I wouldn't get demoted back to EMT duty...save up, vacations...no more 72 hour shifts" 

 Though now she's thinking getting demoted would've been worth it...if she could have it back.  “I was never meant for a 9 to 5, you knew that. You encouraged me to try for the tech job!” 

If she let herself Calla could recall the smell of freshly brewed coffee in their apartment; Keegan’s still drowsy smile, back when things were still good. But, she refused to reminisce, because she had done far too much of it and all it ever did was hurt. “You always loved your job and coffee so much that there was never room for anything else.” It was petty, she could’ve walked away, but instead of backing down she threw words she had no right saying. After all, it was Calla who set whatever chance they had fire until there was nothing left. 

She stopped, biting the inside of her cheek as she set the coffee maker in her hands back on the shelf. "Do I need to remind you that that job was what helped keep the roof over our heads while you were working your way up?" She doesn't care to look at Calla. That would just bring too many emotions. She peers at another tag. "Or I was just trying to give us a life, you a life you deserved, better than that shitty apartment and you blew it up?"