Kristen Baldwin

Photo: ABC

Warning: This recap of The Bachelor episode 4 contains spoilers. 

You know how it goes, rose lovers. Week one, everyone’s giddy and focused on getting through the all-night cocktail party without passing out from exhaustion and/or excessive chardonnay consumption. Week two, the “ladies” are still, like, totally psyched to be on TV even if it means doing awkward group activities like driving dirty cars into each other at full speed. Week three, the potential wives finally start noticing the other potential wives around them — and by the time week four rolls around, the women are in full-on “evaluating/tearing down the competition” mode.

Which brings us to Bekah.

GIF: ABC

Who is this pixie-haired minx, and could the Bachelor truly be considering her as a potential wife? These are the questions the women ponder over their coffee. “Does he know how young she is?” wonders Caroline, noting that Bekah and Arie have a 14-year age gap. Not that Bachelor is aware, of course. “If she holds out any longer telling him,” says Chelsea, “maybe that might not go over well.”

Now that we know this week’s A story, it’s time for Mr. Harrison to give the girls their marching orders. “It’s time for you to leave this place,” says our host. “You’re going to meet Arie… in South Lake Tahoe!” It may not be that exotic, “ladies,” but look — bears!

Photo: ABC

With Arie safely ensconced in the Hard Rock Hotel and the women squared away in their luxuriously rustic cabin, it’s time to get the dates going. Sienne gets the first one-on-one — and she’s smart enough to realize that might not be a good thing. “I’m so excited but I’m so nervous,” she admits. “After Lauren went home on a one-on-one, it feels like a lot of pressure.” Don’t worry, girl — just don’t talk like a sorority girl on a crank bender, you’ll be fine.

The first part of the date doesn’t require much talking at all, actually.

Photo: ABC

“Parasailing is about letting go and seeing where the wind takes you,” Sienne informs us. “I think being open to this relationship is kind of similar to that.” Sure?

Post parasailing, Arie and Sienne sit by the lake, drinking champagne and making small talk. The Bachelor tells Sienne that he’s wanted to take her on a date since night one, because she’s “very educated,” “traveled,” and a “damn good kisser.” You know what that means:

Photo: ABC

Back at the cabin, poor Maquel gets a call from home, and the news isn’t good.

Photo: ABC

Understandably, Maquel decides to head home to be with her family… though maybe not for good. “I think she needs to come back,” says Marikh. “I think Arie will be really understanding and compassionate.”

At dinner, Sienne is cautiously optimistic about her relationship — though, she adds, “I’m a black female, and they don’t tell a lot of stories about girls like me having the fairytale ending.” It may sound like a minor point, but clearly this — and watching her parents struggle with their marriage — has colored Sienne’s view on what type of relationship she thinks she deserves. The good news is, she’s aware of her baggage, as it were, and she frankly lays it all out on the table for Arie.

“I felt like I knew you from just like the first few seconds of talking to you,” replies the Bachelor. “I’m feeling that this could be the start of something amazing, and this could be our love story.” Well played, sir. Give that Yale grad the rose! Oh, and then make her dance at a concert in front of a bunch of cell-phone wielding strangers. Naturally.

Photo: ABC

The next day, Chelsea, Krystal, Becca, Marikh, Ashley, Jacqueline, Jenna, Tia, Kendall, Lauren, Brittany, and Caroline venture into the great outdoors to meet Arie for a romantic hike in the mountains. Waiting for them in the woods is retired Green Beret Combat Commander Mykel Hawke and his wife, who are there to teach Arie and his harem some survival skills.

Photo: ABC

Congrats, Team Bachelor — you finally found a group date activity worse than bikini skiing and zombie paintball. After sending the women off into the woods to fill up their “pee canisters,” Mykel tells the Bachelor to “lead by example.”

Photo: ABC

While the women shriek and gag, Jacqueline decides to woman up and take a shot of her own urine. Fortunately, Arie shouts “Wait, wait, wait!” before she can bring the canister to her lips. “It was just apple juice!” Jacqueline is not amused.

Photo: ABC

While the pee exercise was a trick, the next survival lesson involves eating real worms from the fresh mountain dirt. “I’ve eaten bugs before,” says Kendall with a shrug. “It’s time to show Arie what I’m made of.” She and the Bachelor both gobble down a worm and a maggot (“It pops in your mouth!” marvels Kendall)… and then they sneak off into the woods to make out.

Photo: ABC

There is not enough Listerine on this planet, to be honest.

The final challenge has the women dividing into teams and using a map and a compass to find their way to a “special location.” It saddens me to report that the only team that doesn’t get lost is the one with Arie on it — because there’s nothing this show does better than reinforce stereotypes about women. “I wouldn’t call us the Dream Team at this point,” deadpans Becca. Eventually, though, everyone makes their way to “the oasis” for a quick soak in the outdoor hot tub before cocktail hour. Things we learned during the cocktail party:

*Arie is looking for a woman with a “flexible schedule.” (h/t Lauren)

*Kendall has a taxidermied duckling named Ping. (And Arie LOVES it: “She’s quirky and extremely sexy at the same time.”)

*It took Krystal four weeks to realize that she’s on The Bachelor. “I felt challenged being in such a large group date,” she grouses. “He’s one person, and we’re twelve.”

Mmmmmmkay. As the women roll their eyes and mock Krystal’s breathy baby voice in their confessionals, Krystal sits down with Arie to complain about how hard it is to share him with other women. “It just weighs on me,” she pouts. “I feel a little ostracized… I think that people feel a little threatened.”

Photo: ABC

Yeeaaaah. And when Krystal tries to air her grievances with Raven 2 and Caroline, she gets about the response you’d expect.

Photo: ABC

“You’re not even aware of how you make everyone else feel,” snaps Raven 2. She’s still all worked up when it’s her turn to sit down and chat with Arie. “I feel this comfort with you, and it scares me that you feel it with other people,” says Tia, her voice tight with tears.

So whose display of vulnerability will earn her the coveted date rose? Survey says…

Photo: ABC

Krystal, like, totally can’t even with this development. “I honestly feel like a lot of the girls here just, like, don’t operate at my level,” she huffs. The next morning, she’s still grouchy about the other women and the fact that they have the audacity to exist in her presence. “I come across as flawless, and then have a target put on my back,” she explains helpfully. “I feel a little misunderstood.”

Let’s put a pin in Krystal’s narcissism and head outside for Arie’s one-on-one with Bekah. Will today be the day he learns that when he was a 14-year-old teen, Bekah was an infant who couldn’t yet hold up her own head? Let’s find out.

She doesn’t tell him during their scenic horseback ride around the lake, nor does Bekah break the news during their romantic soak in another outdoor hot tub.

Photo: ABC

They do, however, talk about Arie’s racing accident in a truck named “Black Widow” — it ended with him breaking his collarbone and passing out. Yikes.

She’s gotta tell him at dinner, right? (Well, obviously — they’ve been teasing it in the “coming up” previews all night.) “I want us to be transparent with each other,” Bekah tells him. Great! Because the Bachelor has a lot of questions. Specifically, “Are you ready, would you be ready [to get married] if the time were right?”

Her elliptical answer — “I don’t think I’ve ever been in the right time or with the right person. How can you know that if you haven’t been there before?” — doesn’t cut it, so Arie tries again. Now that he’s 36, he explains, his life has “slowed down” a lot, and he likes things like getting up early and wearing cardigans. “I’m in a different place than I was in my late 20s. So my fear with you is that you might be where I was in my 20s.”

Dude, you have no idea. And you’re about to find out. “Do you know how old I am?” Bekah wonders aloud, as if she doesn’t already know the answer. And when she drops the bomb, telling Arie she’s just 22, his reaction is appropriate.

GIF: ABC

“You’re sooooo young!” he groans. Bekah’s all, Yeah, but my sister got married at 19, and my brother got married at 21 so I come from a long line of child spouses! Our Bachelor doesn’t really look like he’s buying it, but he also isn’t quite ready to give this sexy “lady” up — especially when she gives him that “pretty please with sugar on top” look.

Photo: ABC

“I’m not here for a 22-year-old girlfriend,” Arie tells us. “I’m here to find a wife… I don’t know what to do.” Yes you do, pal. Get on with it.

Photo: ABC

Potential wives, assemble! It is time for the cocktail party. But when the women gather in the mountaintop villa to meet Arie, they’re greeted by this guy instead.

Photo: ABC

No cocktail party tonight, “ladies”! You’ll get nothing but a rose ceremony — and you’ll like it. Krystal is nearly beside herself with panic, because, as Lauren puts it, “she’s starting to see that maybe she isn’t the only girl that he’s interested in.” Indeed, the seemingly interminable pause before Arie calls out the first name is too much for Krystal to bear, and she has to break the fourth rose ceremony wall.

Photo: ABC

She wants “a quick moment” of Arie’s time, and what else can he say but yes? Settle in, “ladies,” this might take a while.

Photo: ABC

So what was so urgent, Krystal? Ohhhh, you needed to remind Arie that you feel “such a connection” with him and that you’re “not here to play games.” Good call — I’m sure he didn’t catch that the first 4,371 times you mentioned it.

Aaaand we’re back. Joining Bekah, Sienne and Raven 2 in the winners’ circle is: Lauren, Kendall, Ashley, Becca K., Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, and… [silent scream] Krystal. Welp, Brittany and Caroline, it’s been real. And extra props to you, Caroline, for taking off your heels the second you realized you were going home.

Photo: ABC

Life is too short to wear uncomfortable shoes, people.

Now it’s your turn, rose lovers. Are you surprised Krystal is still around? Are you even more surprised that baby Bekah is still around? And is “glam-shaming” really a thing? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to silkscreen “I am, and have always been, pro-glam” on t-shirts for Etsy

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Photo: Splash

Warning: This recap for episode 3 of The Bachelor contains spoilers. 

Happy week 3, rose lovers! We’ve reached the point in Arie’s “journey” where a previously invisible contestant suddenly gets thrust into the spotlight. Case in point:

Photo: ABC

Literally who is that, and what is she doing on a one-on-one with Arie?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The episode begins with Harrison dropping off the date card, which Jane Doe (pictured above) promptly snatches. Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M. Bibiana, and Krystal, you’re going on a group date — and clearly someone on The Bachelor’s Date Planning Committee binge-watched GLOW over the hiatus:

Photo: ABC

That’s right, “ladies” — you’re all about to audition for G.L.O.B., the “Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor” Wrestling League! (Side note: Please, Television Academy of Arts and Sciences, establish an “Outstanding Use of an Acronym in a Television Reality Show” category before next year’s Emmys.)

Angela and Ursula take the women through their paces, teaching them how to do forward rolls, how to bounce off the ropes, and how to “sell” the pain of getting (fake) kneed in the solar plexus by an opponent. Unfortunately, when it comes to the “selling” part, all of the women suck — and Angelina doesn’t hesitate to let them know it.

Photo: ABC

For the love of all that’s holy, Bibiana, why are you talking back to the former professional wrestler? Sure, she’s staying in character and just took a pot-shot at your mother, but you voluntarily signed up for a reality show that pits women against each other as they fight for a husband. If you have no righteous indignation about that, then you should probably just zip it.

Raven 2 is next to spark Angelina’s wrath when she refuses to expend any effort during a “lock-up” demonstration.

GIF: ABC

Bish, please. Weren’t you listening when Arie told Team Bachelor that he’s “looking for somebody who can kinda have fun in any situation”? You and Bibiana can take your sour pusses and your eye rolls and go cry in the corner. Meanwhile, Maquel and Baby Bekah are totally rolling with the punches, as it were.

GIF: ABC

Next, it’s time for the “ladies” to get their assigned pro-wrestler persona, and man, are they are on brand.

Krystal:

Photo: ABC

Bekah:

Photo: ABC

Marikh:

Photo: ABC

Raven 2:

Photo: ABC

Bibiana:

Photo: ABC

And how could Team Bachelor throw a wrestling date without inviting back the fan favorite who apparently does this for a living, Mr. Kenny “The Pretty Boy Pitbull” King?

Photo: ABC

Hey, at least it’s not Rated-R. Basically, Arie’s “match” with Kenny consists of the Bachelor flopping around limply while the Pretty Boy Pitbull pounds him repeatedly into the mat. Naturally, though, Kenny is enough of a gentleman to let Arie win — after all, his harem is watching.

Bekah and Maquel (“The Lunch Lady”) are summoned to the ring first. Just as they did during rehearsal, both women do their best to put on a convincing show, and it isn’t half bad. The Cougar faces off against Jacqueline next, and The Prom Queen definitely gets her bell rung.

GIF: ABC

Not really sure what was supposed to be going on during Marikh and Lauren B.’s routine, but if they were going for a “sleepwalking porn stars” vibe, they definitely succeeded.

GIF: ABC

After moping and whining their way through rehearsal, Bibiana and Raven 2 actually demonstrate some enthusiasm during their bout, which features headlocks, arm twists, and some almost decent trash talking. It may have been a merely moderate effort, but the Bachelor LOVES it.

Photo: ABC

Quiz time! If I were to ask you, based on two weeks’ of evidence, who would try to steal Arie away first at the post-date cocktail party, which woman would you pick? Exactly: Krystal. So why are all the rest of the “ladies” shocked — shocked! — when she does it again tonight?

Photo: ABC

Close your mouth, honey, or your jaw might freeze that way.

The Bachelor certainly isn’t discouraging Krystal’s behavior. “You were damn sexy today,” he gushes. “You were driving me crazy… I had to check myself a little bit.” He goes even further, advising Krystal to “just come grab me and say, ‘Give me some attention’” if she’s feeling neglected. Not that Krystal needs to be reminded.

It’s right about now that Bibiana falls into the same trap that so many women before her have stumbled into as well: Thinking the Bachelor wants to hear anything negative about a woman he’s clearly into, in this case Krystal. “I feel like at this point I need to voice my concerns with Arie,” Bibiana declares. So she does.

Photo: ABC

Arie does his best to make Bibi feel heard, and then he heads off to make out with Raven 2 and Baby Bekah (separately) in the Airstream trailers. Krystal is “a little confused” when Arie hands over the date rose to Bekah, so she decides the best solution is to “be more aggressive.” (Not pictured: The producer nodding furiously in agreement from behind the camera.)

The next morning, Krystal sits on the couch and performs a monologue by the pool — about how women have always “hated on” her, how she’s had to “struggle” and be “so strong” and “work so many hours” doing plyometric squats on the beach, or whatever. She also confides to her audience of one — an impressively poker-faced Marikh — that she and Arie “know we want to end up together, and this is just a process that has to be done in order for us to be together.”

Ladies and gentlemen, it has not even been three weeks.

Onward, “process”! The only one-on-one date of the week goes to… one of the blonde Laurens.

Photo: ABC

Seriously, who? Not that it matters, I guess. Arie meets the Lauren at his favorite private airport, where their jet awaits to whisk them off to wine country. I will say, whoever this woman is, she looks closer to 21 than 31 — and the Bachelor does seem pleased that she’s “mature.”

Over merlot, Arie and Lauren chat about early bedtimes and his growing love of cardigans. But can this Lauren go deeper? Arie admits he doesn’t know much/anything about her, and Lauren admits that she might have some “guards up.” I think it’s too much to hope that we’ll see a woman sent home from a date this early in the season… or is it?

You see, Lauren can’t stop talking. Like, at all. Maybe she’s so worried about holding back that she’s forcing herself to go to the opposite extreme — but even she admits that during dinner she’s “all over the place.”

Photo: ABC

And then something terrible happens.

Photo: ABC

Yep. Arie’s so bored, he’s actually eating on the date. After word-vomiting for almost the entire meal, Lauren tries to rein it in and salvage the night. “I feel like I have not been myself this whole dinner,” she tells the Bachelor. “I like me, and I’m cool with me, but I feel like I’ve been a little all over the place.”

So does Arie. He holds up the date rose, and with a carefully assembled “sad face,” he gives Lauren the boot: “I really, really wanted this for us, but I’m sorry, I can’t give you this.” And with that, rose lovers, we are down to exactly one Lauren. Suitcase Ninja, do your thing.

Photo: ABC

The “ladies” are rocked to their core by this unexpected turn of events. Caroline bursts into tears; Bekah and Becca huddle together for emotional warmth; and Krystal — who, let’s face it, is pretty psyched — delivers a eulogy for her fallen sister, who she says is “an amazing, beautiful soul.” She concludes by telling the other women to live each cocktail party as though it’s their last, because time on this earth with Arie is simply not guaranteed.

When Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese arrive at the park for group date number 2, Arie assures them that their outing will be not involve violent smashing of any kind, or a significant budget. Instead: Dogs! And not just any dogs, Dynamo Dogs!

GIF: ABC

For today’s date, Arie and the women will be putting on a live show with these adorable trained pups. Pretty fun, right? Well, unless you’re Annaliese — her collection of traumatic experiences also includes a run-in with her grandparents’ cranky dog Sunshine, who bit her when she was a kid. “I almost lost an eye,” she says gravely. Naturally, we’re treated to another gauzy reenactment.

Photo: ABC

Speaking of comedy, Chris Harrison’s co-commentator for the dog show is none other than Best in Show star Fred Willard. And there sure is a lot of color to commentate — as none of the dogs seem interested in listening to their temporary trainers, and the kids in the audience are either crying our outright heckling the performers.

Photo: ABC

Unlike on the wrestling date, no one pouts or cries when the dogs make them look silly, and Arie deems the outing a success. Things continue to go smoothly at the post-date cocktail party, as Arie has comfortable chats and kisses with everyone… except Annaliese. By the time she sits down with the Bachelor, she’s so wound up and tense that she can’t think of anything to say. “I feel like I’m going home,” she whines to the other women later. “His body language was so different.” Hmmm… let’s go to the videotape:

Photo: ABC

Yeah, it’s not looking great for Annaliese.

The date rose, by the way, goes to Chelsea.

When the final cocktail party of the week rolls around, pretty much every woman but the ones holding roses (Chelsea, Baby Bekah) is worried that she’ll go home. Side note: I like that Arie is starting to preempt any “she stole him right away” drama at these parties by choosing the first woman himself. (Watch and learn, future Bachelors.)

Bibiana can’t wait to get her alone time with Arie, because she’s arranged for the interns to set up a “private” (except for the cameras) cabana in the front driveway, where she and the Bachelor can relax and gaze at the stars.

Photo: ABC

Unfortunately for Bibiana, Arie and Lauren B. just happened to stumble upon this romantic star-gazing setup first. Even more humiliating is the fact that the Bachelor sends Bibi away when she comes to interrupt.

Photo: ABC

“Uhhh… the struggle is real,” sighs Bibiana in her confessional. “The devil is working OT, man.” Hey! Mike Fleiss may be an evil genius but I think calling him “the devil” is taking things a bit too far.

Having discovered the driveway daybed — aka the perfect make-out spot — Arie starts bringing other women there, including Crystal and Baby Bekah. Speaking of Miss Junior Varsity, she’s trying a little too hard to come across as the carefree, independent woman: “I think you know that I don’t need you,” she purrs to Arie. “You’ve been attracted consistently to people who need you more than you need them, and it’s scary to be with somebody who doesn’t need you to complete them.” It’s almost believable — but those of us who’ve experienced the hell that is being a woman in her early 20s can see that Bekah’s really a swirling mass of insecurities masked by a perky bod and a pixie cut. Still, Arie is just eating it up. “Gosh, you’re blowing my mind right now!” he marvels, before commencing yet another make-out session.

Our Bachelor also lavishes attention on Raven 2, who doesn’t seem to mind that the “special” set-up he had made for her is just a pair of redneck stereotypes: Hay bales and moonshine. But perhaps the most awkward moment of the night is Annaliese’s sad attempt to get a kiss from Arie. Maybe it’s because she always looks like she’s about to burst into tears, or maybe it’s simply because he’s just not that into her, but the encounter is not a success.

“I’ve really wanted you to kiss me,” Annaliese begins. “And I hear that girls have to go in for the kiss first — and I’m not really that type of girl.”

“So… are you asking me?” replies the Bachelor, clearly annoyed. And then he drops the bomb.

Photo: ABC

Man, could there be anything more disheartening than getting rejected by the kissing bandit? The man will lock lips with almost anything that moves! Anyhow, dear Annaliese, you should probably prepare to take a moment and say your goodbyes.

What’s that? You’re going to hunt Arie down and ask him point-blank if he’s into you instead? Sounds like a totally solid plan. “I literally can’t watch this,” groans Bekah, speaking for all of us. So, Annaliese asks —  and Arie answers.

Photo: ABC

“I’m sorry,” he says. “Can I walk you out?”

Who will join Annaliese in the Reject Limo? Let’s find out! Arie doles out roses to Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, the Last Remaining Lauren, Brittany, Becca K., Sienne, Krystal, Raven 2, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh — meaning we must also say goodbye to our favorite Miami firebrand, Bibiana.

“Someone needs to just give me a break,” sobs Bibi. Someone will, mami — as soon as it’s time to start casting for Bachelor in Paradise.

Welp, rose lovers, what say you? Did Arie send the right women home? Is Krystal right in assuming she’s his favorite? And what, exactly, is wrong with Jenna?

GIF: ABC

Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pitch American Horror Story: Annaliese’s Childhood to Ryan Murphy and FX.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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Photo: Splash

Warning: This recap for episode 3 of The Bachelor contains spoilers. 

Happy week 3, rose lovers! We’ve reached the point in Arie’s “journey” where a previously invisible contestant suddenly gets thrust into the spotlight. Case in point:

Photo: ABC

Literally who is that, and what is she doing on a one-on-one with Arie?

But I’m getting ahead of myself. The episode begins with Harrison dropping off the date card, which Jane Doe (pictured above) promptly snatches. Maquel, Jacqueline, Lauren B., Tia, Marikh, Bekah M. Bibiana, and Krystal, you’re going on a group date — and clearly someone on The Bachelor’s Date Planning Committee binge-watched GLOW over the hiatus:

Photo: ABC

That’s right, “ladies” — you’re all about to audition for G.L.O.B., the “Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor” Wrestling League! (Side note: Please, Television Academy of Arts and Sciences, establish an “Outstanding Use of an Acronym in a Television Reality Show” category before next year’s Emmys.)

Angela and Ursula take the women through their paces, teaching them how to do forward rolls, how to bounce off the ropes, and how to “sell” the pain of getting (fake) kneed in the solar plexus by an opponent. Unfortunately, when it comes to the “selling” part, all of the women suck — and Angelina doesn’t hesitate to let them know it.

Photo: ABC

For the love of all that’s holy, Bibiana, why are you talking back to the former professional wrestler? Sure, she’s staying in character and just took a pot-shot at your mother, but you voluntarily signed up for a reality show that pits women against each other as they fight for a husband. If you have no righteous indignation about that, then you should probably just zip it.

Raven 2 is next to spark Angelina’s wrath when she refuses to expend any effort during a “lock-up” demonstration.

GIF: ABC

Bish, please. Weren’t you listening when Arie told Team Bachelor that he’s “looking for somebody who can kinda have fun in any situation”? You and Bibiana can take your sour pusses and your eye rolls and go cry in the corner. Meanwhile, Maquel and Baby Bekah are totally rolling with the punches, as it were.

GIF: ABC

Next, it’s time for the “ladies” to get their assigned pro-wrestler persona, and man, are they are on brand.

Krystal:

Photo: ABC

Bekah:

Photo: ABC

Marikh:

Photo: ABC

Raven 2:

Photo: ABC

Bibiana:

Photo: ABC

And how could Team Bachelor throw a wrestling date without inviting back the fan favorite who apparently does this for a living, Mr. Kenny “The Pretty Boy Pitbull” King?

Photo: ABC

Hey, at least it’s not Rated-R. Basically, Arie’s “match” with Kenny consists of the Bachelor flopping around limply while the Pretty Boy Pitbull pounds him repeatedly into the mat. Naturally, though, Kenny is enough of a gentleman to let Arie win — after all, his harem is watching.

Bekah and Maquel (“The Lunch Lady”) are summoned to the ring first. Just as they did during rehearsal, both women do their best to put on a convincing show, and it isn’t half bad. The Cougar faces off against Jacqueline next, and The Prom Queen definitely gets her bell rung.

GIF: ABC

Not really sure what was supposed to be going on during Marikh and Lauren B.’s routine, but if they were going for a “sleepwalking porn stars” vibe, they definitely succeeded.

GIF: ABC

After moping and whining their way through rehearsal, Bibiana and Raven 2 actually demonstrate some enthusiasm during their bout, which features headlocks, arm twists, and some almost decent trash talking. It may have been a merely moderate effort, but the Bachelor LOVES it.

Photo: ABC

Quiz time! If I were to ask you, based on two weeks’ of evidence, who would try to steal Arie away first at the post-date cocktail party, which woman would you pick? Exactly: Krystal. So why are all the rest of the “ladies” shocked — shocked! — when she does it again tonight?

Photo: ABC

Close your mouth, honey, or your jaw might freeze that way.

The Bachelor certainly isn’t discouraging Krystal’s behavior. “You were damn sexy today,” he gushes. “You were driving me crazy… I had to check myself a little bit.” He goes even further, advising Krystal to “just come grab me and say, ‘Give me some attention’” if she’s feeling neglected. Not that Krystal needs to be reminded.

It’s right about now that Bibiana falls into the same trap that so many women before her have stumbled into as well: Thinking the Bachelor wants to hear anything negative about a woman he’s clearly into, in this case Krystal. “I feel like at this point I need to voice my concerns with Arie,” Bibiana declares. So she does.

Photo: ABC

Arie does his best to make Bibi feel heard, and then he heads off to make out with Raven 2 and Baby Bekah (separately) in the Airstream trailers. Krystal is “a little confused” when Arie hands over the date rose to Bekah, so she decides the best solution is to “be more aggressive.” (Not pictured: The producer nodding furiously in agreement from behind the camera.)

The next morning, Krystal sits on the couch and performs a monologue by the pool — about how women have always “hated on” her, how she’s had to “struggle” and be “so strong” and “work so many hours” doing plyometric squats on the beach, or whatever. She also confides to her audience of one — an impressively poker-faced Marikh — that she and Arie “know we want to end up together, and this is just a process that has to be done in order for us to be together.”

Ladies and gentlemen, it has not even been three weeks.

Onward, “process”! The only one-on-one date of the week goes to… one of the blonde Laurens.

Photo: ABC

Seriously, who? Not that it matters, I guess. Arie meets the Lauren at his favorite private airport, where their jet awaits to whisk them off to wine country. I will say, whoever this woman is, she looks closer to 21 than 31 — and the Bachelor does seem pleased that she’s “mature.”

Over merlot, Arie and Lauren chat about early bedtimes and his growing love of cardigans. But can this Lauren go deeper? Arie admits he doesn’t know much/anything about her, and Lauren admits that she might have some “guards up.” I think it’s too much to hope that we’ll see a woman sent home from a date this early in the season… or is it?

You see, Lauren can’t stop talking. Like, at all. Maybe she’s so worried about holding back that she’s forcing herself to go to the opposite extreme — but even she admits that during dinner she’s “all over the place.”

Photo: ABC

And then something terrible happens.

Photo: ABC

Yep. Arie’s so bored, he’s actually eating on the date. After word-vomiting for almost the entire meal, Lauren tries to rein it in and salvage the night. “I feel like I have not been myself this whole dinner,” she tells the Bachelor. “I like me, and I’m cool with me, but I feel like I’ve been a little all over the place.”

So does Arie. He holds up the date rose, and with a carefully assembled “sad face,” he gives Lauren the boot: “I really, really wanted this for us, but I’m sorry, I can’t give you this.” And with that, rose lovers, we are down to exactly one Lauren. Suitcase Ninja, do your thing.

Photo: ABC

The “ladies” are rocked to their core by this unexpected turn of events. Caroline bursts into tears; Bekah and Becca huddle together for emotional warmth; and Krystal — who, let’s face it, is pretty psyched — delivers a eulogy for her fallen sister, who she says is “an amazing, beautiful soul.” She concludes by telling the other women to live each cocktail party as though it’s their last, because time on this earth with Arie is simply not guaranteed.

When Ashley, Becca K, Brittany, Jenna, Caroline, Chelsea, and Annaliese arrive at the park for group date number 2, Arie assures them that their outing will be not involve violent smashing of any kind, or a significant budget. Instead: Dogs! And not just any dogs, Dynamo Dogs!

GIF: ABC

For today’s date, Arie and the women will be putting on a live show with these adorable trained pups. Pretty fun, right? Well, unless you’re Annaliese — her collection of traumatic experiences also includes a run-in with her grandparents’ cranky dog Sunshine, who bit her when she was a kid. “I almost lost an eye,” she says gravely. Naturally, we’re treated to another gauzy reenactment.

Photo: ABC

Speaking of comedy, Chris Harrison’s co-commentator for the dog show is none other than Best in Show star Fred Willard. And there sure is a lot of color to commentate — as none of the dogs seem interested in listening to their temporary trainers, and the kids in the audience are either crying our outright heckling the performers.

Photo: ABC

Unlike on the wrestling date, no one pouts or cries when the dogs make them look silly, and Arie deems the outing a success. Things continue to go smoothly at the post-date cocktail party, as Arie has comfortable chats and kisses with everyone… except Annaliese. By the time she sits down with the Bachelor, she’s so wound up and tense that she can’t think of anything to say. “I feel like I’m going home,” she whines to the other women later. “His body language was so different.” Hmmm… let’s go to the videotape:

Photo: ABC

Yeah, it’s not looking great for Annaliese.

The date rose, by the way, goes to Chelsea.

When the final cocktail party of the week rolls around, pretty much every woman but the ones holding roses (Chelsea, Baby Bekah) is worried that she’ll go home. Side note: I like that Arie is starting to preempt any “she stole him right away” drama at these parties by choosing the first woman himself. (Watch and learn, future Bachelors.)

Bibiana can’t wait to get her alone time with Arie, because she’s arranged for the interns to set up a “private” (except for the cameras) cabana in the front driveway, where she and the Bachelor can relax and gaze at the stars.

Photo: ABC

Unfortunately for Bibiana, Arie and Lauren B. just happened to stumble upon this romantic star-gazing setup first. Even more humiliating is the fact that the Bachelor sends Bibi away when she comes to interrupt.

Photo: ABC

“Uhhh… the struggle is real,” sighs Bibiana in her confessional. “The devil is working OT, man.” Hey! Mike Fleiss may be an evil genius but I think calling him “the devil” is taking things a bit too far.

Having discovered the driveway daybed — aka the perfect make-out spot — Arie starts bringing other women there, including Crystal and Baby Bekah. Speaking of Miss Junior Varsity, she’s trying a little too hard to come across as the carefree, independent woman: “I think you know that I don’t need you,” she purrs to Arie. “You’ve been attracted consistently to people who need you more than you need them, and it’s scary to be with somebody who doesn’t need you to complete them.” It’s almost believable — but those of us who’ve experienced the hell that is being a woman in her early 20s can see that Bekah’s really a swirling mass of insecurities masked by a perky bod and a pixie cut. Still, Arie is just eating it up. “Gosh, you’re blowing my mind right now!” he marvels, before commencing yet another make-out session.

Our Bachelor also lavishes attention on Raven 2, who doesn’t seem to mind that the “special” set-up he had made for her is just a pair of redneck stereotypes: Hay bales and moonshine. But perhaps the most awkward moment of the night is Annaliese’s sad attempt to get a kiss from Arie. Maybe it’s because she always looks like she’s about to burst into tears, or maybe it’s simply because he’s just not that into her, but the encounter is not a success.

“I’ve really wanted you to kiss me,” Annaliese begins. “And I hear that girls have to go in for the kiss first — and I’m not really that type of girl.”

“So… are you asking me?” replies the Bachelor, clearly annoyed. And then he drops the bomb.

Photo: ABC

Man, could there be anything more disheartening than getting rejected by the kissing bandit? The man will lock lips with almost anything that moves! Anyhow, dear Annaliese, you should probably prepare to take a moment and say your goodbyes.

What’s that? You’re going to hunt Arie down and ask him point-blank if he’s into you instead? Sounds like a totally solid plan. “I literally can’t watch this,” groans Bekah, speaking for all of us. So, Annaliese asks —  and Arie answers.

Photo: ABC

“I’m sorry,” he says. “Can I walk you out?”

Who will join Annaliese in the Reject Limo? Let’s find out! Arie doles out roses to Caroline, Kendall, Ashley, the Last Remaining Lauren, Brittany, Becca K., Sienne, Krystal, Raven 2, Maquel, Jenna, Jacqueline, and Marikh — meaning we must also say goodbye to our favorite Miami firebrand, Bibiana.

“Someone needs to just give me a break,” sobs Bibi. Someone will, mami — as soon as it’s time to start casting for Bachelor in Paradise.

Welp, rose lovers, what say you? Did Arie send the right women home? Is Krystal right in assuming she’s his favorite? And what, exactly, is wrong with Jenna?

GIF: ABC

Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive behind-the-scenes blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pitch American Horror Story: Annaliese’s Childhood to Ryan Murphy and FX.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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Photo: ABC

Warning: This recap for episode 2 of The Bachelor contains spoilers. 

Get your motor running rose lovers, because it’s week 2 and our Bachelor is ready to hunt down a wife, like a hawk stalking its prey. (Sorry for mixing my metaphors and similes, folks.) And even though the “ladies” seem to be getting along famously right now at Casa Bachelor, Chris Harrison is quick to remind them that that camaraderie will not last.

Photo: ABC

That’s for damn sure: When Becca K. gets the first one-on-one date, our resident single mom/villain Chelsea is not happy.

Photo: ABC

Becca, meanwhile, hops on the back of Arie’s (rented) motorcycle for a ride through the picturesque Southern California mountains. It’s all very romantic… except for the whole “donorcycle” thing.

Photo: ABC

Krystal’s dad, it turns out, was in a “serious” motorcycle accident, and she also knows lots of people who have died or “lost body parts” in bike accidents as well. Given all that potential awkwardness, I’m surprised Team Bachelor didn’t make Arie take Krystal on the motorcycle date. They love a good “forcing someone to confront a source of personal terror on camera” opportunity.

That said, there is something Team Bachelor loves more than making women fear for their lives, and that’s… the Pretty Woman Date™!!!

Photo: ABC

Naturally Becca is THRILLED at this development — though as a grown-ass woman living in the year 2018 she should know that a man buying you expensive clothes and baubles on your first date is not romantic, it’s creepy and infantilizing. But who cares about that when everything is so SPARKLY???

Photo: ABC

Vom. “Arie makes me feel very special,” gushes Becca. “I appreciate that he picked me to do this.” She appreciates it even more when Arie tells his little lady that she gets to keep ALL the pretty dresses, and he even has some sparkly $700 Louboutins to go with!

Photo: ABC

After poking some diamond Neil Lane earrings through Becca’s lobes, Arie goes in for the smooch, all the while keeping one hand on Becca’s neck. When Becca gets home to primp for part two of her date with Arie, she strolls in so laden with packages and shopping bags that the “ladies” can’t believe what they’re seeing.

Photo: ABC

“Look at those shoes! Are those Louboutins?” shrieks Lauren G. “Eeeeeeeee!” The women vociferously demur when Becca admits she was nervous about bringing all her loot home — and even though the air is thick with jealousy and tension, most of it seems to be directed inward rather than at Becca herself. “Oh my God,” sighs Bibiana ruefully. “They’re gonna get married.” Oh gurl, look at the odds — that’s very unlikely.

Over dinner that night, Arie does a lot of the talking, telling Becca that he feels “wiser” since his last experience on TV and reiterating that his real estate career allowed him to “slow down” and get ready for romance. When Becca does get to speak, it’s to fill Arie in on her late father’s battle with brain cancer — which was, understandably, “the hardest time that I had ever lived through at that point.” The experience, says Becca, brought her even closer to her family — and she’s happy to hear that Arie has strong family ties, too. Of course, she gets the date rose… and some free Neil Lane earrings!

Photo: ABC

Also, I really wish he’d stop running his hands through Becca’s hair. It’s a little much.

The second date of the week is — hold up — another one-on-one date? With Krystal? Well I hope the fitness coach (or whatever) is ready to bring her A-game, because as Arie said, “Becca has definitely set the bar high.”

Krystal may not walk away from her date with a pile of bling, but she will have something to make the other “ladies” jealous: Arie’s taking her home to Scottsdale, Arizona! And she LOVES it.

Photo: ABC

Vom. Once in Arizona, Arie gives Krystal the nickel tour, showing her the Pizza Hut where he worked as a teen, the tree where he had his first kiss, his high school, and naturally his condo, where they pore through old photo albums and watch home movies.

Photo: ABC

But why look at old photos when you can have an awkward encounter with the real thing? That’s right: Arie surprises Krystal with the news that they’re going to meet his family! Though Mr. and Mrs. Arie weren’t super warm the last time they met one of Arie’s dates on TV (see: talking in front of Bachelorette Emily in Dutch), they do their best to endure Krystal’s breathy questioning about how they met.

Photo: ABC

“My mom loves you — I can tell,” Arie tells Krystal as they leave his parents’ home. As for his sister-in-law? I think this barely-repressed sigh speaks for itself.

Photo: ABC

At dinner, Arie invites Krystal to speak (“I want this also to be about you”) — specifically about her family and growing up. As we’ve learned from numerous confessionals, Krystal doesn’t have a close relationship with her family, and she’s nervous about revealing this to the Bachelor. Still, she soldiers on: “My dad wasn’t a part of my life, and my mom was there but was so emotionally unavailable — and I just really felt like my parents didn’t want me.”

Dayum, that’s rough. Krystal goes on tell Arie about the day her brother called her from the hospital after getting beaten up, and she learned he had been living on the streets. The Bachelor assures Krystal that her difficult upbringing doesn’t “reflect negatively” on her, and that he’s not put off by her struggles. In fact, says Arie, he specifically brought Krystal to meet his family in order to ease his mother’s mind about the types of women he would be dating on the show. “You are amazing,” he concludes, handing over the date rose.

Did you have “awkward private concert by (mostly) unknown artist” on your Bachelor bingo game? Time to stamp that card!

Photo: ABC

Maybe next time, Connor.

On to the group date — which is so large Team Bachelor had to hire a tractor-trailer limo to fit all the women inside. Maquel, Marikh, Tia, Valerie, Annaliese, Lauren G., Kendall, Bekah, Jenny, Sienne, Jenna, Caroline, Brittany, Bibiana, [giant gasp for air] and Chelsea bounce out of the truck in their cute athleisure gear and are greeted by Arie, who drives up in a spray-painted beater

He briefs the “ladies” on demolition derby ground rules, and then sends them off to spray paint their cars. To their credit, some of the women get pretty creative with their designs. Winner:

Photo: ABC

Runner-up:

Photo: ABC

Unfortunately Annaliese can’t stop crying; it seems she had a traumatic experience with bumper cars as a child — which Team Bachelor promptly illustrates, nightmare-dream-sequence style.

Photo: ABC

“A bumper car trauma?” scoffs Jenny, one of the 17 blondes on the date. “I didn’t know that bumper car trauma is a thing.” Damn right it is, toots! Especially if it gets Arie to come over and comfort the still-weeping Annaliese one-on-one. The girl’s no fool.

Naturally Chris Harrison is there — along with racecar driver Robby Gordon — to do the color commentary for the “Bashelor Demolition Derby.” And damn, the host isn’t holding back. “So could this be the first time that Arie actually wins something on a race track?”

Photo: ABC

When the air horn blows, the women hit the gas. Suddenly Annaliese transforms from a weepy wuss to a stunt driver in Death Race 2000: She rams into Chelsea, “t-bones” Kendall, and slams into Marikh, all while driving in reverse. “She’s crushing girls like it’s her job!” marvels Harrison. Several minutes of ear-splitting metal-on-metal action later, Seinne emerges victorious in the derby, beating out Raven 2. “Second place sucks d***,” she groans.

Though she didn’t last the longest, Brittany’s derby run was apparently so violent that she upset her own equilibrium, because by the time the after-party rolls around, she is not in attendance. “Brittany smashed everybody with her car,” explains Jenna, “and unfortunately can’t be here.” Hmmm… if Brittany’s going to let something like whiplash or a possible concussion stop her from competing for Arie, maybe she doesn’t really want to be married after all.

Immediately after the toast, Chelsea pulls Arie away for a private chat. It’s time for her to reveal her big secret: She has a 3-year-old son, Sammy! The Bachelor is unfazed, as he once fell for single mom Emily Maynard, and he even lived with a woman with two kids for over a year. “I know that it’s hard to be away [from your son],” says the Bachelor. “It makes me happy that you’re here and taking a chance on me.” Then he eats her face.

Photo: ABC

The women, on the other hand, aren’t so supportive. So what if Chelsea sacrificed time with her son to be here? All of them sacrificed something — like time away from posting on Instagram or posting homemade exercise videos on YouTube! “Everybody has a story,” notes Bibiana. Seinne’s, for instance, involves graduating from Yale, studying abroad in Brazil, and generally being far too good for this show/Arie. And he knows it: “I barely graduated high school and worked at Pizza Hut!” Of course, Arie isn’t going to let his insecurities stop him from macking on Seinne;  when she attempts to pull away from their “thanks for the chat” hug, he keeps his arm firmly around her neck until she realizes the only means of escape is to kiss him.

Photo: ABC

As the night wears on, Bibiana — who was already irritable when the party began — grows ever more frustrated as woman after woman grabs Arie before she can. That is, if she’s even trying — we only ever see her sulking on the couch.

Photo: ABC

“I’m done,” she says with a pout, before stomping out of the room and slamming the door. Meanwhile…

Photo: ABC

“It was, like, really hot,” reports Bekah of her first smooch with the Kissing Bandit. Not hot enough, toots: Seinne gets the date rose!

Photo: ABC

Seinne is in it to win it, dawg.

Cocktail party time! Arie — who either is a true gentleman or just knows how to approximate one, I can’t decide — kicks off the night by seeking out Brittany T., to make sure she feels better after her demolition derby-related injury. She does, especially after the Bachelor gives her this:

Photo: ABC

We interrupt this recap to remind you that fur is gross, folks. Here’s hoping Bekah the nanny’s coat is faux.

Photo: ABC

“I lead with chemistry, and with Bekah, there’s a lot of that,” says Captain Obvious. “She’s bold and charismatic, and when we kiss, it was just apparent that she could be the whole package.” The whole package minus about 10 years, but why quibble?

After an intern surgically removes Arie from Bekah’s face, he gets accosted by Krystal, who feels it’s necessary to “follow up” with the Bachelor even though she already has a rose. As you can imagine, this does not go over well.

Photos: ABC

“I’m not worried,” breathes Krystal in her hyperventilating baby voice. “Some girls are a little weird, and some are very young, and some girls aren’t even there yet.” Which may be why she thinks it’s ok to interrupt Arie again while he’s talking to Bibiana, and you just know Bibi Gun is not about to lose her time tonight.

Krystal: “Do you mind if I step in for a moment?” Bibiana: “I actually do.”

The tension carries over into the house when Krystal foolishly (or as a calculated manipulation) comes and sits next to Bibiana. “I really think that you have a lot of balls just coming to sit down with us,” growls Bibi. “When you learn to speak to me like a normal human being and not with a fake tone, then I can actually respect you.” Then she does a dramatic interpretation of Krystal’s annoying personality.

Photo: ABC

When Krystal tries to protest that she was just “checking on” Bibiana, Miss Miami puts a stop to that real quick. “Baby girl, it’s not about checking. If I’m trying to talk to my man, you need to back the f**k up.” Naturally, Team Bachelor makes them stand next to each other at the rose ceremony.

Photo: ABC

Fortunately for Krystal, Bibiana — who warned that Krystal would have to “sleep with one eye open” if she got sent home — gets a rose. She joins Maquel, Jacqueline, Bekah M., Jenna, Chelsea, Lauren S., Raven 2, Annaliese, Lauren B., Kendall, Brittany, Ashley, Marikh, Caroline, Becca, Seinne and Krystal in the winners’ circle. That means we must say goodbye to Lauren G. (2 down, 2 to go!), Valerie, and Jenny… who takes it the hardest.

Photo: ABC

Ever the gentleman (or a jerk capable of impersonating a gentleman, I’m not sure), Arie goes after Jenny to comfort her in her time of nationally televised rejection. “I have to make tough choices,” he says. “And I just didn’t see it.” And Jenny’s all, Whatever, Old Man River. “I’m not sad about you,” she sniffs. “I’m sad about leaving my new friends.” Indeed, Jenny has never experienced rejection before, and she definitely does not enjoy it. “He literally picked a taxidermist over me,” she moans. “I just feel like I embarrassed myself.” Finally, Jenny and I agree on something.

And with that, rose lovers, we’re done with week two. (The “next week on” preview can be summed up in one word: Tears.) So tell me, do you think Arie’s a true gentleman or just playing one on TV? Does anyone else feel guilty about hating Krystal, given her tough upbringing? And why in the world would anyone ever want a pickled bat? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s exclusive blog right here. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go get examined for whiplash… just in case.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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Bachelor Nation will become Bachelor International on Feb. 13, when ABC premieres Bachelor Winter Games — featuring former Bachelors, Bachelorettes and their rejects competing in winter-themed challenges while also attempting to find a soulmate/temporary life companion. While contestants hail from all over the world (including New Zeland, Sweden and China), the first official promo — which Yahoo Entertainment is debuting exclusively — naturally focuses on US favorites, like Luke Pell and the Queen of Cryers, Ashley Iaconetti.

GIF: ABC

Also spotted: Dean (last seen being generally unbearable on Bachelor in Paradise), Ben Higgins (the Bachelor whose engagement to Lauren B. ended last year), and Clare the raccoon whisperer. Watch the promo and let me know what you think, rose lovers. Is a Bachelor-sports hybrid the answer to your reality TV dreams, or another insult to fans who are still angry Bachelor Pad was canceled? Post your thoughts below!

Bachelor Winter Games premieres Tuesday, Feb. 13 at 8 p.m. on ABC.

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Arie Luyendyk Jr. is racin’ to find a wife. (Photo: ABC)

Warning: This recap of the season premiere of The Bachelor contains spoilers.

Do elderly former reality stars deserve love, too? It’s a question that I fear will never be answered to our true satisfaction, rose lovers, but darn it if this season of The Bachelor isn’t going to try. Having resurrected former The Bachelorette runner up Arie Luyendyk Jr. from his death of real estate and mid-level racing obscurity, producers hope to break new ground with the first-ever grey-haired Bachelor… just not the one you were expecting.

Now that he’s had five years to heal his wounded heart, Arie is ready for “the most important race of his life”: finding a wife in nine short, heavily-produced weeks.

Man, is this previously-on recap still going on?

Photo: ABC

We get it, guys — Emily crushed Arie’s heart. But we’ve got 29 new “ladies” who want to get in his drivers’ seat, so how about we get this show on the road?

Photo: ABC

Sigh. Fine, let Sean and Catherine Lowe, the First Couple of Bachelor Nation, impart some “wisdom” to their single friend — and give their little boy Samuel something to talk about when he meets up with friends Ty (season 13), Ricki (Bachelorette, season 8), and Camila (season 18) in their weekly Bachelor Spawn-Anon meetings.

Photo: ABC

Hang in there, little buddy.

With the build-up over, Chris Harrison greets us at Casa Bachelor to introduce “some truly extraordinary women” who are ready to get wifed up. Robot roll call:

Chelsea, 29: Props to this single mom from Maine for not trotting out her little one, Sammy, for her intro package. The “real estate exec. assistant” also finds it “comforting” that her Bachelor is Arie, because he proved during Emily’s season that he’s not afraid to fake settle down with a woman and her child.

Caroline, 26: Another real estate professional! Though she’s “really good” at her job, Caroline says being a wife and mother is “at the top of my priority list.” Well, as that Rasta dude says at the end of Pretty Woman, “Some dreams come true, some don’t — but keep on dreamin’.”

Maquel, 23: This professional photographer from Utah is admittedly “jealous” of the happy couples she photographs… but not in a scary, Lifetime movie way, okay?

Nysha, 30: “The more blood, the better for me!” No, that’s not Nysha’s plan for eliminating her competition in the house — she’s a nurse, silly! One who likes patching up seriously-injured patients — and one who already took a Bachelor-approved Leap Of Faith™ by sky-diving for her 30th birthday.

Tia, 26: Living in the tiny town of Weiner, Arkansas means Tia and her friends have to “make our own fun” — like exercising their 2nd Amendment rights.

Tia’s got her gun.

Oh, look who it is!

Photo: ABC

If you thought Tia seemed a little familiar, what with her long-layered dark locks and her Southern twang, that might be because she’s modeled after/a “good friend” of Bachelor Nation favorite (and fellow small-town Arkansas girl) Raven Gates. (And if you’re playing Bachelor bingo, be sure to stamp “Bachelor in Paradise shoe-in” on your scorecard.)

Kendall, 26: What does “weird” look like on The Bachelor? It’s tall, blonde, blue-eyed, and surrounded by stuffed animals.

Photo: ABC

Yep, Kendall collects taxidermy, and her longest relationships tend to be with preserved animal carcasses, not human beings. Team Bachelor pushed things a little too far with the ukulele bit, though — now Kendall’s not only quirky, she’s annoying.

Bekah M.:  Much has been made of Bekah, both for her short haircut — how did she even get in the door??? — and for the fact that she’s so young. Though producers are playing coy with her age, you don’t need a birth certificate to see that this girl is just that — a girl. Honestly, she looks like she could be a stand-in for one of the kids on Stranger Things.

Photo: ABC

Marikh, 27: This stunningly beautiful woman co-owns an Indian restaurant with her mother and, even more impressively, she did not punch the producer who asked her to say this on camera:

Photo: ABC

Krystal, 29: Oh man, why do bad shows happen to good people? Krystal is a fitness coach who volunteers distributing food to the homeless men and women of San Diego, because her younger brother is currently living on the streets. “I try to treat people how I would want someone to treat him,” she says through tears.

Enough humanity! Send in the chattle — bathed, perfumed and bronzed for Arie’s enjoyment!

Photo: ABC

And the first “lady” out is… Caroline the realtor! She makes a cutesy joke about taking Arie “off the market,” and then beats a hasty retreat inside. Up next is Chelsea the single mom, followed by Kendall the token weirdo. Our first new face is Seinne, who works in real estate (Arie clearly has a type) and who’s also the first woman to bring Arie a gift: Elephant cufflinks. “An elephant never forgets, so don’t forget to find me inside,” Seinne says with a smile. Survey says? Just the right amount of cute.

Tia (who shall heretofore be known as Raven 2) hands Arie a small, plastic hot dog. “Please tell me you don’t already have a little wiener,” she drawls, as all the 7th grade boys who apparently produce this show crack up in the control room. Poor Arie, though, doesn’t quite seem to get the joke. “I do not have this,” he replies, holding up the trinket. “You did good.”

Next up is Bibiana, a fertility-minded executive assistant from Florida (“Oh my god, our babies would have blue eyes!”), followed by Bri, a sports reporter who greets Arie by tossing him a literal softball. Jenny the 25-year-old blonde gets the intro brush-off in favor of Brittane J., who decides to mark her territory by slapping a bumper sticker on Arie’s behind.

Photo: ABC

Jacqueline the research coordinator assures Arie all he has to do is “stand there and look pretty,” but Krystal disagrees: She commands Arie to close his eyes, take some deep breaths, and “reflect on feeling so grateful for everything leading to this moment.” (I suspect that somewhere, Peter Kraus is taking some much-needed deep breaths too.)

Nysha bucks convention by opting for a cocktail length dress rather than a gown, while Valerie the brunette waitress opts for a canary-yellow number that contrasts sharply with the purple undertones of her hair. Team Bachelor intercuts all the less showy arrivals with shots of the “ladies” in the house shifting nervously in their seats every time a new woman enters the mansion. Except for Chelsea, that is: “I’m not worried,” she sniffs. “There’s [sic] no threats.”

Bekah makes the first thematically-mandated auto entrance of the evening, driving up in a cherry red Mustang convertible. “I may be young,” she tells Arie, “but I can still appreciate something classic.” Translation:

Photo: ABC

And he LOVES it. “She is so beautiful,” he whispers as Bekah bounces inside.

Jenna, the 28-year-old social media manager, can’t stop waving her arms around during her introduction to Arie; Jessica the TV host emerges from the limo clutching something called a “gratitude rock,” which sounds like a hotel gift shop trinket — but points for effort, I guess?  Marikh the restaurant owner goes back to the spice well, joking about Arie’s “salt and pepper” hair, and then we get a brief glimpse of Olivia, a 23-year-old marketing associate from Chicago.

Becca K. (not to be confused with Bekah with a k) instructs Arie to get down on one knee and ask her if she’s “ready to do the damn thing.”

Photo: ABC

Is it me, or does long-suffering Arie seem a little annoyed? “That was a first for me,” he mutters drily to the camera, fishing Becca’s ring from his coat pocket like he can’t get it away from him fast enough. And still the limos keep coming.

Photo: ABC

A second social media manager? Perhaps that’s the new “VIP Cocktail Waitress.” Next up is Lauren J. from Louisiana, who one-ups Raven 2 and her plastic wiener by giving Arie some giant balls (in the form of Mardi Gras beads). But the Laurens aren’t done with us yet, folks.

Photo: ABC

And remarkably, they’re not all blonde.

Photo: ABC

The “Lauren Limo” tops out at four, and so it’s on to Ashley and her checkered flag; Brittany T., who attempts to say “You’re handsome” in Dutch (a language Arie speaks fluently); and Amber, who makes a memorable first impression by telling the Bachelor about one drawback of owning a spray-tan company:

Photo: ABC

But honestly, rose lovers, Amber’s ice-breaker is Emily Post-level conduct compared to Ali the personal stylist dreams up:

Photo: ABC

It’s a “pit stop”! Get it? Because he’s a racecar driver? Yeah, let’s just move on.

Photo: ABC

Okay, Annaliese, your joke about Arie’s “kissing bandit” nickname is cute, but talk to me when you’ve kept that mask on for days, like Jeff from Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette.

The deafening roar of an engine precedes our next arrival. “No she didn’t!” gasps one of the women watching from inside the mansion, as Maquel climbs out of an IndyCar. Honestly, did they really think Bekah was going to be the only contestant who showed up on wheels?  The other bachelorettes are so annoyed by Maquel’s flashy entrance, they park themselves right in the shot as she introduces herself to Arie.

Photo: ABC

Simmer down, “ladies” — your probably-not future husband is making his way inside right this very minute. Chelsea tries to offer him a drink, but Arie’s too focused on making his welcome speech sound as earnest as possible.

Awkward.

An off-camera producer mouths something like “take the damn drink, you moron” at Arie, and he pauses to accept the glass from Chelsea. “See, I’m already messing up!” moans our Bachelor with a chuckle.

Seeing that Chelsea already had the pimp spot, is it any wonder that she’s the first one to “steal” Arie for a chat? “I’m not a rude person,” she says. “But I want to get to know him quickly so I can proceed with the rest of my life, possibly with him.” As we saw from her introduction, Chelsea’s whole shtick is being “mysterious” — which mainly means talking about herself in the past perfect tense, like “there have been some sacrifices that were made.” And he LOVES it. “Chelsea’s very good at leaving me wanting a little bit more,” he says. “It’s working.”

Unfortunately for Chelsea, she barely has time to drape Arie in her shimmering veil of mystery before Maquel shows up and politely asks to cut in. Though Maquel could not have been nicer about it, Chelsea immediately begins swanning around the house complaining about “the girl that makes all the noise,” who interrupted her time with Arie. This, coupled with all the other snotty things we’ve seen Chelsea say so far tonight, makes it pretty clear that she’s getting the Villain Edit. And by “Villain Edit,” I mean that cameras have captured Chelsea being bitchy several times, and producers have opted to use that footage.

Perhaps producers were focusing so much on Chelsea’s rude behavior because so many of the other women are actually being… nice to each other? Here they are sharing their feelings on interracial relationships:

Photo: ABC

And here they are bonding over the fact that, OMG, they’re on the freakin’ Bachelor!

Photo: ABC

Meanwhile, the get-to-know-you chats are proceeding apace. Brittany T. challenges Arie to a battery-operated car race…

Photo: ABC

…and even though her victory is totally fraudulent, she still claims her prize: The night’s first kiss. Cue the “nervous ladies start steppin’ up their game” montage! Kendall serenades Arie with an original ukulele composition about roses and fish; Caroline brings Arie some pizza (which looks like it was sitting out on the craft services table for a while, but again, points for effort); and Lauren G. shoves some fruit in Arie’s mouth and informs him that “pineapple” is her safe word.

Photo: ABC

Jenna the social media manager gives Arie a socks-off foot massage while blathering on about her “super-in-tune” senses and all the free food and “spa stuff” she gets on a regular basis. For some reason, Arie finds this whole flibbertigibbet act “intriguing” — it might have something to do with Jenna being a tall skinny blonde, but that’s just a guess.

Oh snap, look who’s here.

Photo: ABC

The first impression rose means that the clock (biological and otherwise) is ticking. Form an orderly line, “ladies” — and then watch as Chelsea cuts to the front. “I understand that I’m in a sea of beautiful women and they could possibly get mad at me,” she explains, “but I don’t care.” Arie doesn’t seem to mind, either.

Photo: ABC

“You snuck up on me there, but I liked it,” he murmurs after their face-mash time. Will Chelsea’s surprise smooch top Jenny’s graphite portrait of Arie in a sports car? Or Jessica’s reveal that her late father met Arie and rooted for him on the race track? Or Bekah’s flirtatious, short-haired joie de vivre?

Yes. Yes, it will.

Photo: ABC

Clink clink clink! Here comes Chris Harrison and his Butter Knife of Bad News. “Ladies,” please proceed to the rose ceremony… as soon as you’re done with your coffee.

Photo: ABC

Indeed, the sun is beginning its arc across the sky over Casa Bachelor when Arie finally begins handing out roses. Becca K., Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah M., Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, Maquel, and Chelsea are still in the running to become America’s Next Top Fiancée. Which means this is goodbye for Ali, Amber, Bri, Brittnae J., Jessica, Lauren J., Nysha and Olivia.

Emotionally drained and exhausted from the all-nighter, poor Jessica takes the rejection the hardest — but her tears are more for her father than the Bachelor. “Now my dad will never meet my husband,” she says sadly. (Remember kids: It’s never a bad time to call your parents to say “I love you.”) Amber the spray-tan proprietor is pretty crushed, too. “I’m so disappointed in myself,” she says in a wobbly voice. “I had, like, my family rooting so hard for me. I feel like they’re going to be disappointed, you know?” Focus on the positive, honey: They didn’t disown you for going on The Bachelor, so they’ll probably forgive you, someday, for getting kicked off.

Wow, have we made it to the “this season on The Bachelor” preview already? Man, those two hours just flew by. As usual, the super-tease has a stellar crying montage.

Suitable for framing. (Photos: ABC)

Oh, and how about that disembodied voice barking “I don’t want to be on the show! I want my girl!” at a producer toward the end of the preview? Any guesses on which “lady” that riled-up beau belongs to? (I’m going with Raven 2 or Krystal.)

Congrats on getting through week 1, rose lovers! Now tell me, did Arie meet your (lowered) expectations? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Read more from Yahoo Entertainment:

Winter TV Preview: The scoop on 10 returning favorites

Inside the Bellas’ final riff-off in ‘Pitch Perfect 3’: An aca-oral history

Arie Luyendyk Jr. is racin’ to find a wife. (Photo: ABC)

Warning: This recap of the season premiere of The Bachelor contains spoilers.

Do elderly former reality stars deserve love, too? It’s a question that I fear will never be answered to our true satisfaction, rose lovers, but darn it if this season of The Bachelor isn’t going to try. Having resurrected former The Bachelorette runner up Arie Luyendyk Jr. from his death of real estate and mid-level racing obscurity, producers hope to break new ground with the first-ever grey-haired Bachelor… just not the one you were expecting.

Now that he’s had five years to heal his wounded heart, Arie is ready for “the most important race of his life”: finding a wife in nine short, heavily-produced weeks.

Man, is this previously-on recap still going on?

Photo: ABC

We get it, guys — Emily crushed Arie’s heart. But we’ve got 29 new “ladies” who want to get in his drivers’ seat, so how about we get this show on the road?

Photo: ABC

Sigh. Fine, let Sean and Catherine Lowe, the First Couple of Bachelor Nation, impart some “wisdom” to their single friend — and give their little boy Samuel something to talk about when he meets up with friends Ty (season 13), Ricki (Bachelorette, season 8), and Camila (season 18) in their weekly Bachelor Spawn-Anon meetings.

Photo: ABC

Hang in there, little buddy.

With the build-up over, Chris Harrison greets us at Casa Bachelor to introduce “some truly extraordinary women” who are ready to get wifed up. Robot roll call:

Chelsea, 29: Props to this single mom from Maine for not trotting out her little one, Sammy, for her intro package. The “real estate exec. assistant” also finds it “comforting” that her Bachelor is Arie, because he proved during Emily’s season that he’s not afraid to fake settle down with a woman and her child.

Caroline, 26: Another real estate professional! Though she’s “really good” at her job, Caroline says being a wife and mother is “at the top of my priority list.” Well, as that Rasta dude says at the end of Pretty Woman, “Some dreams come true, some don’t — but keep on dreamin’.”

Maquel, 23: This professional photographer from Utah is admittedly “jealous” of the happy couples she photographs… but not in a scary, Lifetime movie way, okay?

Nysha, 30: “The more blood, the better for me!” No, that’s not Nysha’s plan for eliminating her competition in the house — she’s a nurse, silly! One who likes patching up seriously-injured patients — and one who already took a Bachelor-approved Leap Of Faith™ by sky-diving for her 30th birthday.

Tia, 26: Living in the tiny town of Weiner, Arkansas means Tia and her friends have to “make our own fun” — like exercising their 2nd Amendment rights.

Tia’s got her gun.

Oh, look who it is!

Photo: ABC

If you thought Tia seemed a little familiar, what with her long-layered dark locks and her Southern twang, that might be because she’s modeled after/a “good friend” of Bachelor Nation favorite (and fellow small-town Arkansas girl) Raven Gates. (And if you’re playing Bachelor bingo, be sure to stamp “Bachelor in Paradise shoe-in” on your scorecard.)

Kendall, 26: What does “weird” look like on The Bachelor? It’s tall, blonde, blue-eyed, and surrounded by stuffed animals.

Photo: ABC

Yep, Kendall collects taxidermy, and her longest relationships tend to be with preserved animal carcasses, not human beings. Team Bachelor pushed things a little too far with the ukulele bit, though — now Kendall’s not only quirky, she’s annoying.

Bekah M.:  Much has been made of Bekah, both for her short haircut — how did she even get in the door??? — and for the fact that she’s so young. Though producers are playing coy with her age, you don’t need a birth certificate to see that this girl is just that — a girl. Honestly, she looks like she could be a stand-in for one of the kids on Stranger Things.

Photo: ABC

Marikh, 27: This stunningly beautiful woman co-owns an Indian restaurant with her mother and, even more impressively, she did not punch the producer who asked her to say this on camera:

Photo: ABC

Krystal, 29: Oh man, why do bad shows happen to good people? Krystal is a fitness coach who volunteers distributing food to the homeless men and women of San Diego, because her younger brother is currently living on the streets. “I try to treat people how I would want someone to treat him,” she says through tears.

Enough humanity! Send in the chattle — bathed, perfumed and bronzed for Arie’s enjoyment!

Photo: ABC

And the first “lady” out is… Caroline the realtor! She makes a cutesy joke about taking Arie “off the market,” and then beats a hasty retreat inside. Up next is Chelsea the single mom, followed by Kendall the token weirdo. Our first new face is Seinne, who works in real estate (Arie clearly has a type) and who’s also the first woman to bring Arie a gift: Elephant cufflinks. “An elephant never forgets, so don’t forget to find me inside,” Seinne says with a smile. Survey says? Just the right amount of cute.

Tia (who shall heretofore be known as Raven 2) hands Arie a small, plastic hot dog. “Please tell me you don’t already have a little wiener,” she drawls, as all the 7th grade boys who apparently produce this show crack up in the control room. Poor Arie, though, doesn’t quite seem to get the joke. “I do not have this,” he replies, holding up the trinket. “You did good.”

Next up is Bibiana, a fertility-minded executive assistant from Florida (“Oh my god, our babies would have blue eyes!”), followed by Bri, a sports reporter who greets Arie by tossing him a literal softball. Jenny the 25-year-old blonde gets the intro brush-off in favor of Brittane J., who decides to mark her territory by slapping a bumper sticker on Arie’s behind.

Photo: ABC

Jacqueline the research coordinator assures Arie all he has to do is “stand there and look pretty,” but Krystal disagrees: She commands Arie to close his eyes, take some deep breaths, and “reflect on feeling so grateful for everything leading to this moment.” (I suspect that somewhere, Peter Kraus is taking some much-needed deep breaths too.)

Nysha bucks convention by opting for a cocktail length dress rather than a gown, while Valerie the brunette waitress opts for a canary-yellow number that contrasts sharply with the purple undertones of her hair. Team Bachelor intercuts all the less showy arrivals with shots of the “ladies” in the house shifting nervously in their seats every time a new woman enters the mansion. Except for Chelsea, that is: “I’m not worried,” she sniffs. “There’s [sic] no threats.”

Bekah makes the first thematically-mandated auto entrance of the evening, driving up in a cherry red Mustang convertible. “I may be young,” she tells Arie, “but I can still appreciate something classic.” Translation:

Photo: ABC

And he LOVES it. “She is so beautiful,” he whispers as Bekah bounces inside.

Jenna, the 28-year-old social media manager, can’t stop waving her arms around during her introduction to Arie; Jessica the TV host emerges from the limo clutching something called a “gratitude rock,” which sounds like a hotel gift shop trinket — but points for effort, I guess?  Marikh the restaurant owner goes back to the spice well, joking about Arie’s “salt and pepper” hair, and then we get a brief glimpse of Olivia, a 23-year-old marketing associate from Chicago.

Becca K. (not to be confused with Bekah with a k) instructs Arie to get down on one knee and ask her if she’s “ready to do the damn thing.”

Photo: ABC

Is it me, or does long-suffering Arie seem a little annoyed? “That was a first for me,” he mutters drily to the camera, fishing Becca’s ring from his coat pocket like he can’t get it away from him fast enough. And still the limos keep coming.

Photo: ABC

A second social media manager? Perhaps that’s the new “VIP Cocktail Waitress.” Next up is Lauren J. from Louisiana, who one-ups Raven 2 and her plastic wiener by giving Arie some giant balls (in the form of Mardi Gras beads). But the Laurens aren’t done with us yet, folks.

Photo: ABC

And remarkably, they’re not all blonde.

Photo: ABC

The “Lauren Limo” tops out at four, and so it’s on to Ashley and her checkered flag; Brittany T., who attempts to say “You’re handsome” in Dutch (a language Arie speaks fluently); and Amber, who makes a memorable first impression by telling the Bachelor about one drawback of owning a spray-tan company:

Photo: ABC

But honestly, rose lovers, Amber’s ice-breaker is Emily Post-level conduct compared to Ali the personal stylist dreams up:

Photo: ABC

It’s a “pit stop”! Get it? Because he’s a racecar driver? Yeah, let’s just move on.

Photo: ABC

Okay, Annaliese, your joke about Arie’s “kissing bandit” nickname is cute, but talk to me when you’ve kept that mask on for days, like Jeff from Ashley’s season of The Bachelorette.

The deafening roar of an engine precedes our next arrival. “No she didn’t!” gasps one of the women watching from inside the mansion, as Maquel climbs out of an IndyCar. Honestly, did they really think Bekah was going to be the only contestant who showed up on wheels?  The other bachelorettes are so annoyed by Maquel’s flashy entrance, they park themselves right in the shot as she introduces herself to Arie.

Photo: ABC

Simmer down, “ladies” — your probably-not future husband is making his way inside right this very minute. Chelsea tries to offer him a drink, but Arie’s too focused on making his welcome speech sound as earnest as possible.

Awkward.

An off-camera producer mouths something like “take the damn drink, you moron” at Arie, and he pauses to accept the glass from Chelsea. “See, I’m already messing up!” moans our Bachelor with a chuckle.

Seeing that Chelsea already had the pimp spot, is it any wonder that she’s the first one to “steal” Arie for a chat? “I’m not a rude person,” she says. “But I want to get to know him quickly so I can proceed with the rest of my life, possibly with him.” As we saw from her introduction, Chelsea’s whole shtick is being “mysterious” — which mainly means talking about herself in the past perfect tense, like “there have been some sacrifices that were made.” And he LOVES it. “Chelsea’s very good at leaving me wanting a little bit more,” he says. “It’s working.”

Unfortunately for Chelsea, she barely has time to drape Arie in her shimmering veil of mystery before Maquel shows up and politely asks to cut in. Though Maquel could not have been nicer about it, Chelsea immediately begins swanning around the house complaining about “the girl that makes all the noise,” who interrupted her time with Arie. This, coupled with all the other snotty things we’ve seen Chelsea say so far tonight, makes it pretty clear that she’s getting the Villain Edit. And by “Villain Edit,” I mean that cameras have captured Chelsea being bitchy several times, and producers have opted to use that footage.

Perhaps producers were focusing so much on Chelsea’s rude behavior because so many of the other women are actually being… nice to each other? Here they are sharing their feelings on interracial relationships:

Photo: ABC

And here they are bonding over the fact that, OMG, they’re on the freakin’ Bachelor!

Photo: ABC

Meanwhile, the get-to-know-you chats are proceeding apace. Brittany T. challenges Arie to a battery-operated car race…

Photo: ABC

…and even though her victory is totally fraudulent, she still claims her prize: The night’s first kiss. Cue the “nervous ladies start steppin’ up their game” montage! Kendall serenades Arie with an original ukulele composition about roses and fish; Caroline brings Arie some pizza (which looks like it was sitting out on the craft services table for a while, but again, points for effort); and Lauren G. shoves some fruit in Arie’s mouth and informs him that “pineapple” is her safe word.

Photo: ABC

Jenna the social media manager gives Arie a socks-off foot massage while blathering on about her “super-in-tune” senses and all the free food and “spa stuff” she gets on a regular basis. For some reason, Arie finds this whole flibbertigibbet act “intriguing” — it might have something to do with Jenna being a tall skinny blonde, but that’s just a guess.

Oh snap, look who’s here.

Photo: ABC

The first impression rose means that the clock (biological and otherwise) is ticking. Form an orderly line, “ladies” — and then watch as Chelsea cuts to the front. “I understand that I’m in a sea of beautiful women and they could possibly get mad at me,” she explains, “but I don’t care.” Arie doesn’t seem to mind, either.

Photo: ABC

“You snuck up on me there, but I liked it,” he murmurs after their face-mash time. Will Chelsea’s surprise smooch top Jenny’s graphite portrait of Arie in a sports car? Or Jessica’s reveal that her late father met Arie and rooted for him on the race track? Or Bekah’s flirtatious, short-haired joie de vivre?

Yes. Yes, it will.

Photo: ABC

Clink clink clink! Here comes Chris Harrison and his Butter Knife of Bad News. “Ladies,” please proceed to the rose ceremony… as soon as you’re done with your coffee.

Photo: ABC

Indeed, the sun is beginning its arc across the sky over Casa Bachelor when Arie finally begins handing out roses. Becca K., Marikh, Kendall, Lauren G., Krystal, Bekah M., Lauren S., Seinne, Caroline, Brittany T., Bibiana, Annaliese, Jenna, Valerie, Jacqueline, Jenny, Lauren B., Ashley, Tia, Maquel, and Chelsea are still in the running to become America’s Next Top Fiancée. Which means this is goodbye for Ali, Amber, Bri, Brittnae J., Jessica, Lauren J., Nysha and Olivia.

Emotionally drained and exhausted from the all-nighter, poor Jessica takes the rejection the hardest — but her tears are more for her father than the Bachelor. “Now my dad will never meet my husband,” she says sadly. (Remember kids: It’s never a bad time to call your parents to say “I love you.”) Amber the spray-tan proprietor is pretty crushed, too. “I’m so disappointed in myself,” she says in a wobbly voice. “I had, like, my family rooting so hard for me. I feel like they’re going to be disappointed, you know?” Focus on the positive, honey: They didn’t disown you for going on The Bachelor, so they’ll probably forgive you, someday, for getting kicked off.

Wow, have we made it to the “this season on The Bachelor” preview already? Man, those two hours just flew by. As usual, the super-tease has a stellar crying montage.

Suitable for framing. (Photos: ABC)

Oh, and how about that disembodied voice barking “I don’t want to be on the show! I want my girl!” at a producer toward the end of the preview? Any guesses on which “lady” that riled-up beau belongs to? (I’m going with Raven 2 or Krystal.)

Congrats on getting through week 1, rose lovers! Now tell me, did Arie meet your (lowered) expectations? Post your thoughts now! And be sure to check out Chris Harrison’s behind-the-scenes blog here.

The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Read more from Yahoo Entertainment:

Winter TV Preview: The scoop on 10 returning favorites

Inside the Bellas’ final riff-off in ‘Pitch Perfect 3’: An aca-oral history

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Berliner Studio/BEI/REX/Shutterstock (1516987f) Chris Farley ‘Hearts & Souls’ premiere, Los Angeles, America – 11 Aug 1993

Twenty years ago, on December 18, 1997, comedian Chris Farley was found dead of a drug overdose in his Chicago apartment.

Hard to believe it’s 20years. Tell the ones you love that you love them. Remembering Chris Farley 20 years after his death: ‘People talk about him like he’s alive. In many ways he still is’ https://t.co/XsHCP6B6rf via @WiStateJournal

— Kevin Farley (@Imkevinfarley) December 17, 2017

At only 33 years old, Farley joined the Saturday Night Live “gone too soon” club — including Phil Hartman and John Belushi — and left behind a body of work that is still as funny, poignant, uncomfortable and relevant today as it ever was. Though Farley’s fame extended beyond SNL — we’re still waiting for Tommy Boy to be named to the National Film Registry — the late night sketch show was responsible for introducing his frenetic, sweaty brand of humor to America. So on this anniversary of Farley’s death, we’re looking back at five of his many, many, many memorable SNL sketches. And if you need more, commence your rabbit hole viewing here.

Down by the River (May 8, 1993)

If I didn’t start this list with the SNL debut of Matt Foley — the lumbering, wildly unsuccessful motivational speaker brought in to scare two teenagers straight — I’d be fired and would probably wind up living in a van down by the river.

The Chris Farley Show: Paul McCartney (Feb. 13, 1993)

“Remember when you were with The Beatles? That was awesome.” Nothing captured Farley’s sweet, fumbling earnestness — and his brutal insecurity — better than his ongoing “Chris Farley Show” sketches. And as a parody of the breathless, puff-TV interview industry, it still holds up 20 years later.

Chippendales (Oct. 27, 1990)

Farley was never afraid to use his girth for laughs — luckily for him, the term “fat-shaming” had yet to be coined — and his gift for physical comedy turned this one-joke sketch into an enduring comedy classic.

Zagat’s with Hank & Beverly Gelfand (Feb. 2, 1995)

Nothing can quell Beverly’s perky Midwestern enthusiasm for pithy restaurant reviews — not even her husband’s bellowed insults.

Weather Scope: El Niño (October 25, 1997)

The El Niño storm as a growling, bloviating pro wrestler? This is just the kind of late-night-writers’-room absurdity that usually craters on impact — but the sheer force of Farley’s commitment and charisma elevates this idea into the stratosphere.

Read more from Yahoo Entertainment:

‘A Christmas Story Live!’ recap: A terrifying descent into madness

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Waiting for the new season of The Bachelor is kind of like dating. There’s a lot of misplaced hope, as we in Bachelor Nation pore over the photos of bios of the “ladies” who have signed up to humiliate themselves/possibly find temporary companionship on national TV.  Maybe this will be the year that the majority of the contestants have a real job, not just a real job with the word “former” in front of it. Maybe this will be the year that not every single woman will have hair that looks like Cousin Itt asked someone to give him a Farrah Fawcett perm. (Topical references for the win!) Maybe this will be the year that watching The Bachelor doesn’t make us hate ourselves, men, and most women on the planet.

Recently ABC released the names of the 29 women who’ll try to win over new Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., and I can happily report that this year, at least one of those wishes came true. Click through to learn more about Arie’s 29 women, courtesy of the always fun facts gleaned from their ABC bios.

The Bachelor premieres Monday, Jan. 1 at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Ali, 27

She’s a personal stylist from Oklahoma. Listens to Nickleback, and has the good sense to be embarrassed about it. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Amber, 29

She also would like to be a Disney princess. So there’s that. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Annaliese, 32

This event designer from California is probably the first Bachelor contestant ever to drop a Futurama reference into her bio — so she’s got that going for her. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Ashley, 25

This real estate agent from Florida thinks New York City is the most romantic city in the country. Same. (If by “romantic” you mean “most likely to smell like urine.”) (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Becca K., 27

This publicist from Prior Lake, MN can’t live without Chapstick. Same. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Bekah M.

This pixie doesn’t reveal her age on ABC’s site, though Reality Steve says she’s 22, which would make her the show’s youngest-ever contestant — not counting emotional ages, of course. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Bibiana, 30

This executive assistant from Miami loves popping pimples and wishes she could “be art.” Gonna go ahead and guess that she was slightly tipsy when she filled out her questionnaire. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Bri, 25

This sports reporter from Oregon says she has an Emmy. Bri: 1, The Bachelor: 0. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Brittane J., 27

Brittane says if she could have lunch with any three people living or dead, she’d choose Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders, and Beyoncé. Putting together that amazing hypothetical threesome may make Brittane the most accomplished Bachelor contestant to date. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Brittany T., 30

In 5 years this tech recruiter from South Carolina hopes to be “married with two corgis” — so The Bachelor is a logical first step toward that goal. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Caroline, 26

She’s a realtor, a former Miss Massachusetts Teen USA, a Riverdale fan. Plus, she has a plant named Phil. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Chelsea, 29

Chelsea says she hates it when her date displays “over-the-top PDA,” so I’m sure she’ll be real comfortable having 1920×1080 pixel images of Arie’s tongue in her mouth being broadcast in high definition all across these United States. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Jacqueline, 26

Jackie is working toward getting Ph.D. in chemical psychology and says her career is “very important to me.” So let’s hope she applied to be on The Bachelor as… research? (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Jenna, 28

I’m starting to get face blindness from all these perky, long-haired blondes, tbh. This one is a social media manager, or something. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Jenny, 25

She’s a graphic designer and loves “Sundays lying in bed all day, watching reality TV and eating pizza.” Same. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Jessica, 26

She’s a TV host from Canada, and she claims her all-time favorite book is Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes — so you know she’s gunning for a job at ABC when this whole Arie situation is over. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Kendall, 26

Ah, the token “weirdo.” Her spirit animal is a bat, she collects taxidermy, and she once drove a car through the caboose of a moving train. Definitely too interesting for Arie. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Krystal, 29

This fitness coach from Montana uses the phrases “not my jam” and “thebomb.com” in her bio, so there’s that. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Lauren B., 25

This tech salesperson from Virginia Beach has always wanted to be a Disney princess and admits to being “basic.” Welp, at least she’s self-aware. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Lauren G., 26

This executive recruiter from Indianapolis, IN loves Oprah and hates grocery shopping. Same. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Lauren J., 33

Arie’s oldest potential wife, which may be why she’s confident enough to admit to “putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza.” (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Lauren S., 31

She’s the second-oldest contestant, which may be why her questionnaire reads like it was written by a 12-year-old. Sample life goal: To be “literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad” for a day. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Maquel, 23

I’m sorry… Maquel? Are we 100 percent sure that’s actually a name? (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Marikh, 27

This restaurant owner from Utah secretly longs to have silver hair, even though it would clearly be a terrible match with her skin tone. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Nysha, 30

Nysha, an orthopedic nurse from South Carolina, seems to know that “applying to be on a reality TV show where millions of people will judge you” might not be as fun as it sounds. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Olivia, 23

Her favorite book of all time is 50 Shades of Grey, so… yeah. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Seinne, 27

Her favorite holiday is New Year’s Eve, which means that the harsh grind of mundane reality has yet to crush her spirit. Stay strong, Sienne! (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Tia, 26

The physical therapist from Arkansas says her best trip ever was a trip to a “random swingers resort” in Cancun — so she should fit right in at Casa Bachelor. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Valerie, 25

Is this the first-ever ringer tee in Bachelor bio photo history? Go on with your bad self, Valerie. (Photo: ABC)

Waiting for the new season of The Bachelor is kind of like dating. There’s a lot of misplaced hope, as we in Bachelor Nation pore over the photos of bios of the “ladies” who have signed up to humiliate themselves/possibly find temporary companionship on national TV.  Maybe this will be the year that the majority of the contestants have a real job, not just a real job with the word “former” in front of it. Maybe this will be the year that not every single woman will have hair that looks like Cousin Itt asked someone to give him a Farrah Fawcett perm. (Topical references for the win!) Maybe this will be the year that watching The Bachelor doesn’t make us hate ourselves, men, and most women on the planet.

Recently ABC released the names of the 29 women who’ll try to win over new Bachelor Arie Luyendyk Jr., and I can happily report that this year, at least one of those wishes came true. Click through to learn more about Arie’s 29 women, courtesy of the always fun facts gleaned from their ABC bios.

The Bachelor premieres Monday, Jan. 1 at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Ali, 27

She’s a personal stylist from Oklahoma. Listens to Nickleback, and has the good sense to be embarrassed about it. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Amber, 29

She also would like to be a Disney princess. So there’s that. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Annaliese, 32

This event designer from California is probably the first Bachelor contestant ever to drop a Futurama reference into her bio — so she’s got that going for her. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Ashley, 25

This real estate agent from Florida thinks New York City is the most romantic city in the country. Same. (If by “romantic” you mean “most likely to smell like urine.”) (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Becca K., 27

This publicist from Prior Lake, MN can’t live without Chapstick. Same. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Bekah M.

This pixie doesn’t reveal her age on ABC’s site, though Reality Steve says she’s 22, which would make her the show’s youngest-ever contestant — not counting emotional ages, of course. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Bibiana, 30

This executive assistant from Miami loves popping pimples and wishes she could “be art.” Gonna go ahead and guess that she was slightly tipsy when she filled out her questionnaire. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Bri, 25

This sports reporter from Oregon says she has an Emmy. Bri: 1, The Bachelor: 0. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Brittane J., 27

Brittane says if she could have lunch with any three people living or dead, she’d choose Whitney Houston, Bernie Sanders, and Beyoncé. Putting together that amazing hypothetical threesome may make Brittane the most accomplished Bachelor contestant to date. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Brittany T., 30

In 5 years this tech recruiter from South Carolina hopes to be “married with two corgis” — so The Bachelor is a logical first step toward that goal. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Caroline, 26

She’s a realtor, a former Miss Massachusetts Teen USA, a Riverdale fan. Plus, she has a plant named Phil. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Chelsea, 29

Chelsea says she hates it when her date displays “over-the-top PDA,” so I’m sure she’ll be real comfortable having 1920×1080 pixel images of Arie’s tongue in her mouth being broadcast in high definition all across these United States. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Jacqueline, 26

Jackie is working toward getting Ph.D. in chemical psychology and says her career is “very important to me.” So let’s hope she applied to be on The Bachelor as… research? (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Jenna, 28

I’m starting to get face blindness from all these perky, long-haired blondes, tbh. This one is a social media manager, or something. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Jenny, 25

She’s a graphic designer and loves “Sundays lying in bed all day, watching reality TV and eating pizza.” Same. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Jessica, 26

She’s a TV host from Canada, and she claims her all-time favorite book is Year of Yes by Shonda Rhimes — so you know she’s gunning for a job at ABC when this whole Arie situation is over. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Kendall, 26

Ah, the token “weirdo.” Her spirit animal is a bat, she collects taxidermy, and she once drove a car through the caboose of a moving train. Definitely too interesting for Arie. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Krystal, 29

This fitness coach from Montana uses the phrases “not my jam” and “thebomb.com” in her bio, so there’s that. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Lauren B., 25

This tech salesperson from Virginia Beach has always wanted to be a Disney princess and admits to being “basic.” Welp, at least she’s self-aware. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Lauren G., 26

This executive recruiter from Indianapolis, IN loves Oprah and hates grocery shopping. Same. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Lauren J., 33

Arie’s oldest potential wife, which may be why she’s confident enough to admit to “putting a legit body towel over me and ordering pizza.” (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Lauren S., 31

She’s the second-oldest contestant, which may be why her questionnaire reads like it was written by a 12-year-old. Sample life goal: To be “literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad” for a day. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Maquel, 23

I’m sorry… Maquel? Are we 100 percent sure that’s actually a name? (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Marikh, 27

This restaurant owner from Utah secretly longs to have silver hair, even though it would clearly be a terrible match with her skin tone. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Nysha, 30

Nysha, an orthopedic nurse from South Carolina, seems to know that “applying to be on a reality TV show where millions of people will judge you” might not be as fun as it sounds. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Olivia, 23

Her favorite book of all time is 50 Shades of Grey, so… yeah. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Seinne, 27

Her favorite holiday is New Year’s Eve, which means that the harsh grind of mundane reality has yet to crush her spirit. Stay strong, Sienne! (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Tia, 26

The physical therapist from Arkansas says her best trip ever was a trip to a “random swingers resort” in Cancun — so she should fit right in at Casa Bachelor. (Photo: ABC)

Source: Yahoo TV

Valerie, 25

Is this the first-ever ringer tee in Bachelor bio photo history? Go on with your bad self, Valerie. (Photo: ABC)

Twin Peaks creator David Lynch isn’t one to explain his work — which is why any glimpse into the director’s process on set is particularly tantalizing. And the upcoming DVD/Blu Ray release of Showtime’s Twin Peaks: The Return will give fans a peek behind the red curtain, with behind-the-scenes videos of Lynch directing his stars (watch two of them here) and an an exclusive photo gallery from the set. Click through to see 10 images, featuring stars Kyle MacLachlan (Agent Cooper), Sherilyn Fenn (Audrey Horne), Laura Dern (Diane) and more.

Twin Peaks: A Limited Series Event debuts on Blu-ray on Dec. 5 

Dark arts

David Lynch (right) puts some finishing touches on the Woodsman (Robert Broski). (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

What’s in the box?

Lynch on set. (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

Coffee talk

Lynch chats with Kyle MacLachlan. (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

Cheers!

Robert Knepper, Jim Belushi, Lynch and MacLachlan. (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

Do the Dougie

MacLachlin (in Dougie’s green suit) with Lynch. (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

Roadhouse huddle

Jake Wardle, James Marshall and Lynch. (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

Face off

Lynch (as Deputy Director Gordon Cole) sits down with Laura Dern (Diane). (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

Double R Diner downtime

Lynch with Peggy Lipton (Norma). (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

Day in the desert

Knepper, Lynch and Belushi block a shot. (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

Source: Yahoo TV

Couch time

Lynch consults with Sherilyn Fenn (Audrey Horne). (Photo: Showtime/Paramount/CBS Home Entertainment)

With just about five weeks to go before The Bachelor premieres — starring race car driver and former The Bachelorette reject Arie Luyendyk Jr. — ABC has released the first promo featuring footage of Arie’s “journey” to find “love.” And while some spoilers about Arie’s dates and the women he’ll take on them exist out there on the Interwebs, some of us in Bachelor Nation prefer to get clues about the new season the old-fashioned way: By dissecting this promo like it’s the Zapruder film.

To that end, here are 11 thoughts I had while watching the first footage of Arie and his “ladies”:

1. Give this promo writer a raise!

Photo: ABC

2. Was that pillow recycled from Bachelor in Paradise? It looks awfully familiar.

Photo: ABC

3. Those dresses look… crunchy. 

Photo: ABC

4. Did a woman with short hair actually get a one-on-one date? Historic!

Photo: ABC

5. Is that young woman wearing Chuck Taylors? If so, I approve. 

Photo: ABC

6. “Leap of faith” date? Check.

Photo: ABC

7. Platform dancing at a public concert date? Check.

Photo: ABC

8. This “lady” is really confident about her deodorant.

Photo: ABC

9. Obligatory race track date? Check.

Photo: ABC

10. These “ladies” are single-handedly keeping the hair-extension industry in business.

Photo: ABC

11. This woman, however, is not. You do you, gurl!

Photo: ABC

So, rose lovers, what do you think of this Bachelor first look? Post your thoughts below. And I’ll see you next year!

The Bachelor premieres Monday, Jan. 1, 2018, at 8 p.m. on ABC.

With just about five weeks to go before The Bachelor premieres — starring race car driver and former The Bachelorette reject Arie Luyendyk Jr — ABC has released the first promo featuring footage of Arie’s “journey” to find “love.” And while some spoilers about Arie’s dates and the women he’ll take on them exist out there on the Interwebs, some of us in Bachelor Nation prefer to get clues about the new season the old-fashioned way: By dissecting this promo like it’s the Zapruder film.

To that end, here are 11 thoughts I had while watching the first footage of Arie and his “ladies”:

1. Give this promo writer a raise!

Photo: ABC

2. Was that pillow recycled from Bachelor in Paradise? It looks awfully familiar.

Photo: ABC

3. Those dresses look… crunchy. 

Photo: ABC

4. Did a woman with short hair actually get a one-on-one date? Historic!

Photo: ABC

5. Is that woman wearing Chuck Taylors? If so, I approve. 

Photo: ABC

6. “Leap of faith” date? Check.

Photo: ABC

7. Platform dancing at a public concert date? Check.

Photo: ABC

8. This “lady” is really confident about her deodorant.

Photo: ABC

9. Obligatory race track date? Check.

Photo: ABC

10. These “ladies” are single-handedly keeping the hair-extension industry in business.

Photo: ABC

11. This woman, however, is not. You do you, gurl!

Photo: ABC

So, rose lovers, what do you think of this Bachelor first look? Post your thoughts below. And I’ll see you next year!

The Bachelor premieres Monday, Jan. 1, 2018, at 8 p.m. on ABC.

By day, Leah Remini is a hardworking actress who co-stars on the CBS comedy Kevin Can Wait. And also by day, Leah Remini is a hardworking crusader against the Church of Scientology and the organization’s many and varied alleged abuses. The A&E series Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath has earned the actress her first Emmy, for Best Informational Series or Special, and has been a critical and ratings hit for the network. Still, “It’s a tough show to do,” Remini told Yahoo Entertainment during a break on the Kevin Can Wait set. “Very fulfilling, but it is taxing.”

Remini says she’s “so grateful” for her role on the CBS comedy, because it offers her “relief” from the often-brutal stories she hears while working on her Scientology exposé. Though a third season of Aftermath has not yet been ordered by A&E, Remini says she’s committed to uncovering the truth.  “I’m going to continue to expose the abuses of Scientology and maybe other cults like it,” she says. “It’s a series that could go on for 20 years, but it shouldn’t… I was hoping at this point that we would have caught the attention of the people who could do something about it and stop the abuses.”

  Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath airs Tuesdays at 10 p.m. on A&E. Kevin Can Wait airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on CBS.

Ever since Leah Remini joined CBS’s Kevin Can Wait as a series regular for Season 2, viewers have been consumed with one burning question: When will Kevin Gable (Kevin James) and Vanessa Celluci (Remini) hook up and become a couple? After all, second season Kevin is single, after the off-screen death of his wife Donna (Erinn Hayes). Well fans, we finally have the answer, and that answer is… never. (Probably.)

“We did romantic already,” James told Yahoo Entertainment during a recent visit to the set. “I mean, I don’t know how romantic we were on The King of Queens.”

“We had our moments,” adds Remini, who played James’s wife for nine seasons on the CBS sitcom.

Rather than revive Queens‘ Doug and Carrie Heffernan, James wants to keep things in the Friend Zone with Remini’s Vanessa on Kevin Can Wait. “I like that I can be, like, a wingman for her,” he says. “We can go out as buddies.” Still, the comedian tries to leave a little wiggle room for Kevin-Vanessa shippers. “You never know,” he says, before adding, “I know.”

Well, even if Remini and James aren’t romantically involved on screen, at least fans can take comfort in knowing that they they still act like an old married couple off screen. Consider this exchange:

Remini: “How many takes do I ruin, Kevin?” James: “You ruin a lot of takes — and you blame me.”

Kevin Can Wait airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on CBS.

As any America’s Funniest Home Videos connoisseur will tell you, picking an all-time favorite clip is impossible — but picking a favorite type of Funny Video is far easier. Some fans go all in for the pratfalls, while others want nothing but cute pets (preferably chasing their tails or wearing people clothes).

So when AFV host Alfonso Ribeiro dropped by Yahoo Entertainment recently, we sat him down for a good old fashioned AFV speed round. Does he LOL at wedding cake fails or water balloon mishaps? Cute cat videos or crotch shots? See his very definitive answers above. As America’s foremost expert on filmed hilarity, Ribeiro knows exactly what he likes.

AFV airs Sundays at 8 p.m. on ABC.

Thanks to Harvey Weinstein, sexual harassment in the workplace is all over the news right now. Coincidentally, this week’s episode of Great News centers around sexual harassment, too — though in this case it’s a powerful woman putting the very inappropriate moves on a male underling.

In “Honeypot!” mega-successful cable news exec Diana St. Tropez (guest star Tina Fey) turns her sights on producer Greg Scott (Adam Campbell), but as you’ll see in the exclusive first look above, she’s definitely not interested in his professional skills.

After the very uncomfortable pen incident, Greg races to tell Katie (Briga Heelan) what just happened — but her response is not quite sympathetic.

Great News airs Thursday at 9:30 p.m. on NBC.

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