Kaylee

Hello everyone, hope you are well and looking forward to reading another post! This week is the 2nd part, following on from last week. Remember when I said that there was a model used within this module of DBT? This one underneath ….

Today we’re going to look at the top one, when a certain situation or event etc is happening and you believe or decide that realistically the most important element in this situation is the objectives you want to be met. That doesn’t mean you don’t value the other two parts, but it’s that this is the most important for the given situation you’re facing. A bit lost? Here’s an example……

You are starting a new job tomorrow and it’s really important to you. Your friend/partner wants you to go out to a social event tonight as she wants your company and thinks it’ll be fun. However, you have to be up early for your new job and want a night mentally preparing and making sure you go to bed early because it’s a big deal to you. You have to say sorry to your friend and explain as best as you can that you would love to go but the timing just doesn’t work and your new job is really important and something you’ve put a lot of work in to getting and is going to help you progress in so many ways so you really don’t want the worry that going out could jeopardize your first day.

In that given situation you of course didn’t want to upset your friend (disrupt the relationship) or lose your self respect (agreeing to things you shouldn’t) because the number one priority was making sure you were ready and fresh for your big day the next day.

The issue that a lot of us have is that we then sometimes focus too much on just the one interpersonal effectiveness goal without even realising it. Using the same example lets delve a bit deeper. One might decide, rightly so, that the objective (having an early night for big day tomorrow) is the most important thus forgetting to address the friend/partner in a respectable manner and potentially causing unnecessary tension or arguments by not going about telling him/her in a nice way or not explaining properly why going out won’t be good for you tonight. Or agreeing to go after letting your friend/partner pester you in to it after initially saying no and standing up for yourself, even though you know it’s not right because you want to please them.

The next part is about using the acronym DEARMAN to do this effectively. It doesn’t work every time and it’s hard to fully explain because it is different for absolutely every scenario and everyone depending on which overall goal they want to go with. These are guidelines and are geared specifically towards objectives effectiveness. This is aimed towards situations for when you need to get what you want. It’s not bad to want or need to do this, it’s human nature, but a lot of the time we fail to do this and settle for second best or try to do this in all the wrong ways, thus causing conflict of some kind…

D - describe - describe the current situation if nececssary, stick only to the facts, do not bring emotional thinking in to it. Tell the other person/people exactly what you are reacting to as to the point as possible. For example - you told me you would be home for dinner at 7pm, but you didn’t get here until 11.

E - express - express your feelings and opinions about the situation, do not assume that the other person knows how you feel. Use phrases such as ‘I want’ or ‘I don’t want’, don’t tell them they should or should not be doing something. For example - When you come home so late, I start worrying about you.

A - assert - assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do no assume that others will figure out what you want, they cannot read your mind. For example - I would have really liked it if you would have called or text to let me know you were going to be late.

R - reinforce - reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary also clarify the negative consequences of not getting this. Remember to also reward desired behavior after. For example - I would be so relieved and a lot easier to live with if you do that for me.

M - mindful - keep your focus on your goals, maintain your position and don’t be distracted, don’t get off the topic. Keep asking, saying no or expressing your opinion over and over (over time if it is needed). If the other person attacked, threatens or tries to change the subject remember to ignore and not respond to this and stick to making your point. For example - I would still like a call please.

An Article from Neena Susan Thomas

“Through a rapist’s eyes. A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interview…ed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.

POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:

1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and armpit or in the upper inner thigh – HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL ….

1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:

a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .

b. If you are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.

c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry.

If u have compassion reblog this post. ‘Helping hands are better than Praying Lips’ – give us your helping hand.

REBLOG THIS AND LET EVERY GIRL KNOW AT LEAST PEOPLE WILL KNOW WHATS GOING ON IN THIS WORLD. So please reblog this….Your one reblog can Help to spread this information.

notes ~ quiz ~ rinse ~ repeat