kaxcm

since i can remember, my grandma called herself a misfit. it goes deep. when i was little we’d watch rudolph the red nosed reindeer and she’d tell me she belonged on the island of misfit toys with the other unwanted items. and when she would get teased by my grandfather or my dad just a little too much, i’d ask if she was okay, and she’d laugh it off and say “of course. i’m a misfit.” and when she was let go from the job as a nurse she kept for over 30 years, she’d say to me, through tears, that it was because she was a misfit. and when she calls me, now, and tells me she feels like she doesn’t fit in at work, or she doesn’t feel appreciated by her church, or she doesn’t feel the love and respect she gives people is being reciprocated, she asks “what should i expect? don’t be sorry, al. i’m a misfit.”

my grandma and i share a birthday, we’re two august leos and she has always told me that i was her “best birthday gift.” when i was 12 i moved out of my dad’s and into my grandparents’, a decision that brought me and my grandma inevitably closer. and i’m very grateful we’re as close as we are. yes, i know, super cute. i’m very lucky. but i didn’t feel very lucky growing up. i felt like a sad, confused seventh grader, moving into his grandma’s, shutting off from my parents, all while coming to terms with my own sexuality. something just wasn’t clicking in my life, and i resented most of what and who i had at the time and did for a few years. i wanted things to go to plan. i didn’t want to be a misfit.

and then eventually something clicked. i began to realize, and i’m still realizing, that there is an immense strength in being a “misfit,” in that, literally being unable to fit into the boxes people try to place you into - it’s an act of resilience. if i felt like i fit in anywhere, let alone everywhere, i would never learn anything. and i’m the first to say that i get tired of learning hard lessons of what it means to be a misfit around people who don’t value that. who don’t value your originality. or don’t value what you choose to like, who you choose to love. when i call my grandma, tell her a story about being put down, or losing a friend, or feeling like i’m too much for some and too little for others, or feeling alone and shut out, she reminds me that it’s okay. because we’re misfits. we’re never going to feel 100% comfortable or 100% understood. and it might suck, and it does suck sometimes, but that’s how we learn to have the deep empathy and compassion we both carry for other people. that’s how we adapt to a bomb dropping in our social or family lives. that’s how we keep going, with open hearts and minds and a smile on our faces. we go out and we love even deeper than we did the day before.

so when my roommate, sadie, showed me the mug she made for me, and prefaced it by saying it didn’t come out the way she wanted, i started crying. this mug is my essence. not only is blue my favorite color, something that can be traced down to outfits to my ring to my literal nose ring, but this mug is a misfit. you can see what sadie was trying to do - there are lines traced where leaves should be, and white glaze where there should be blue. but the first time i saw it, i didn’t notice any of that. i noticed the tiny splotches of blue glaze that somehow, accidentally, made themselves into hearts. as my grandma, quoting a john lennon song, always, “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” there was a plan for this mug, and life had other ideas for it. there was a plan for my grandma, and life had other ideas for her. and no matter how many plans i make, how prepared i am, or how hard i try, life will always take me somewhere completely different: a harder, but ultimately better, path. and that’s okay, because i’m still going to be the same annoyingly sensitive, big-hearted, blue misfit i always have been. i’ll make it work, just like my grandma does, and just like this mug will: exactly as the misfits we are.

When it comes to the idea of following a distinct path, Karina Arroyo might have been a little too prepared. As a recent Seattle University graduate, Burien local, and queer woman of color, Arroyo is a glowing combination of personal experiences that has culminated to the person I had the opportunity to interview on this chilly February evening. Someone who never stops thinking, feeling, and experiencing, Arroyo has shaped their experiences into a personally-motivated desire to advocate for underrepresented communities in South King County, and more recently expanding that advocacy to the Greater Seattle area. So, when I ask them, “How are you?” upon their arrival at Kaladi Brothers Coffee in Capitol Hill, I expect their answer: “Um…I’m good! I’m tired.” I would be too.

As a key component of the enrollment process for their current employer Big Brothers Big Sisters, Arroyo is responsible for interviewing families or potential mentors for the program. The organization is designed to pair adult mentors (“bigs”) with respective children (“littles”) to promote academic and personal growth while setting the littles up for continued success later in life. Arroyo’s role is crucial to the process, as they are required to offer recommendations for best matches for littles and their respective bigs. “I’m really proud of what I’m doing right now,” they say, “being entrusted to know whether people will be a good match for each other…I always thought I had good people skills.” They smile. “And here I am.”

Here they are indeed, though the path to this moment was not always the one Arroyo expected to take. Growing up in Burien, Arroyo was first exposed to people who share pieces of their culture due to being shuffled around schools, as they were in an advanced placement program. The exposure contributed to Arroyo’s growth and connection to their community. They say, “I always tell people that I never really had to come out [as bisexual], I didn’t feel the need to. Coming to Seattle U and seeing that was not the same for some friends…I had never realized where I was from was somewhat progressive in that sense.” And despite this, Arroyo became acutely aware of the ways in which their community was being underserved. Even after receiving pleas from parents and students about things like on-campus safety, school administration would still struggle to create real change. “It makes you more curious to fight that and be heard. I think that’s where my interest in being a sort of change comes from.”

The inspiration Arroyo draws upon comes from community, family, friends, and… World War Z. At least, to the extent that the 2013 film first exposed them to international diplomacy and the interworking of the United Nations. After flirting with the idea of being a lawyer, then a psychologist, Arroyo was captured by the way Brad Pitt’s character in the film was able to utilize conflict resolution skills on an international scale. So, when the weekly question arrived from their parents, “O.K. Karina, what do you want to do?”, Arroyo could finally offer a preliminary answer: they wanted to study different cultures. On a quest to discover why things are the way that they are, Arroyo delved headfirst into international studies – eventually getting a degree in the field – and history. What fully shaped Arroyo’s next steps professionally was a community celebration called WeDay, a huge volunteer event for Save the Children. After receiving an invitation from a French teacher at their high school, who Arroyo describes as “so badass,” Arroyo learned that to best serve the communities they want to serve, they would need to go to them directly. “Freshman year of high school set me up for the rest of the mood for high school because I got involved in leadership and learned how to be a part of a team and be a part of a community.”

Fast forward to here and now; as much as we might not wish to admit, the culture in which we live is inundated with news focused on negativity and divisions across many identity lines. How does Arroyo stay motivated to continue the work, even on the harder days? “I take breaks—that sounds so dumb, I don’t really take breaks. I try to take breaks.” Arroyo has learned to find strength in being sensitive to everything they read online, as being sensitive and hyperaware is something they do not see as optional for them. “And,” they continue, “in general, we are doing better. There are less people starving, or in poverty, and health is up. At the end of the day, I think about how I can actually work to impact something that’s going on in the world in a positive way.”

Moving forward, Arroyo wants to continue to serve communities they have experience with: Latinx youth in South King County. When discussing why they took the job they have at Big Brothers Big Sisters, Arroyo says, “I would have wanted to know about this sort of organization sooner when I was in high school, when I was working with youth… they could really benefit from having an extra adult in their life or a friend to hang out with. That’s what really sold me, getting to work in the community I grew up in.”

“I’ve had a rough year.” We all have them. A loved one dies, a job gets terminated, a heart gets broken. Something about fall has always elevated the introspective, internal side of myself. I think it’s the constant change—the leaves are falling, the sky is getting darker earlier, and for us students, the year has begun. It’s time to “start anew.” But how can I “start anew” when the haziness of fall and all of its changes seems to leave me behind? Has everything in my life, every decision I’ve made, amounted to where I am now? Is this where I’m supposed to be? Am I supposed to be? I’ve been there. It’s easy to lose yourself in the fog of fall. Maybe this can help.

I take my inspiration, almost always, from my loved ones. Moving to Seattle and expanding my social circles has completely changed my perspective on the world around me, for the better. It started as such: my friend, quite literally, told me to “chill” one day. Over 10 months into 2018 and that may have been the best advice I have ever received, and something I carry with me every day. “Chill.” Seriously. When you struggle with anxiety, when you get lost in your own head, obsessing over everything you don’t want to obsess over, it can be hard to just “chill.” But I tried it. How I’ve come to understand this idea of “chill” is consciously speaking less, listening more, and firmly rooting myself in the present.

Every November for 5 years, I have never been able to escape my head. And, in all honesty, I’m tired of it. For 5 years, I have entered November with bright eyes, wide smiles, and an open heart. And every year, something happens. I mess up, he messes up, they mess up, I mess up again. How do you break the cycle? How do you escape the doubts swirling around in your head, and enjoy your life as it’s happening?

When you’re at your lowest, look around and take inventory of what you have. Find your assets, keep who and what is still there, and, as painful as it might be, build again. You don’t have to get lost in your past, or your mistakes, or what you said or failed to say. When you speak less, do more, and make decisions for yourself that send butterflies through your stomach and into your chest and make your heart race, you’ll know what you did. You’ll know that you set your mind at ease, maybe just for that one moment, and that you will be okay.

yesterday was the spring equinox, and so introducing KAXCM yesterday would have been a fitting time. but being behind on things is kind of the thing right now, isn’t it? i’ve felt an inner compulsion to allow myself to be suffocated by the environment that surrounds me. to me, this looks like turning inward and away from most things and people. and even more so than usual, my surroundings make it easy for me to do this.

except….. i can’t. the introduction of KAXCM today has to happen now, and whether or not anyone sees it, goes to it, or interacts with it is something i can’t even think about. i am a writer, an editor, an “ideas” person, a creator. and i need a space to funnel that energy.

so, welcome to KAXCM: the website. i hesitate to share because i worry about things looking and feeling perfect and fine-tuned. time and time again, however, life proves that it has other plans for us. so fuck it. here’s my website.

thanks for being here - not too early, not too late.

alex