Diary

Internet wisdom for once: visualize your anxiety as a separate entity. Allow it to exist without having to constantly fight it. Carry on with the rest of your day and the rest of the world. It’s a lot easier to deal with it that way.

Inner child felt healed today :) would love to play more with Bala. Next week, we’re having a water park date ^w^

I always feel a specific type of sadness. A longing for something that feels so out of reach. Like a memory I never actually had.

I know it’ll take time. It took me years to finally look at Joleen and not feel as terrible and insecure. I wonder if it’ll take me years to move on from Matt. I hope not. I think at the end of the day, I just want him to be okay. I want him to meet someone new, and I want him to hang out with his friends more often. I just want him to be happy and not feel hung up over me. If it takes me a few years, then I understand. I may not want to get back together with Matt, but I can’t deny that he left an impact on me that will last forever. Thoughts of him won’t stop me from doing things, but it’ll still take one step at a time. One day at a time.

It’s hard knowing that you’re hurting. In a perfect world, you would be happy with someone new and all your friends and family. I really want you to be happy. I hope that you’ll soon, or have already, realize that you are much better off without me and so am I without you. It’s hard because you were my constant for four and a half years. But we’ve hurt each other so much. Please be okay soon Matt

I’m not sure how to cope with all of this. I left my childhood home. It’s been about 9 months since I broke up with Matt, but it’s been 5 months since we’ve gone zero contact. I thought I was okay at first, but thoughts of Matt have been bubbling so intensely to the surface. I have this desperate feeling to leave my job, but I don’t know how I can possibly handle too much change at once. Whenever I drive through Barrigada to get to work, I feel such intense nostalgia and sadness. I miss living in Barrigada. I miss the building. It was all I knew, but now I have to learn how to live without it and move on. Just like Matt. Only time can help me right?

You treated me really badly. I remember when I was crying on the phone during a fight you said you wouldn’t talk to me until I stopped crying. I had to choke my sobs and force myself to stop crying.

It’s rare but sometimes I’ll forget we broke up. I just saw someone tweet about the game, It Takes Two, and a thought occurred to me: “Oh, Matt and I haven’t finished that game yet.” Yet? But I realize we’ll never have another chance to finish that game ever again. We broke up 9 months ago. I’m with someone new and he’s great, so why is it so hard to put you behind me?

Let’s get through the work week 🙏

Hi 2023. At the time of writing this, it is January 2nd, 2023. I saw that a friend wrote a message to her future self, and I wanted to do the same. Well, this will probably turn out to be just a regular journal entry. A lot happened in 2022. I ended a four-and-a-half-years long relationship, which was definitely the hardest thing I had to do that entire year. I still think about him often, and thoughts of him still bring tears to my eyes at times. While my new relationship is great, I can’t help but wonder what my life would be like if I still had my ex by my side. I’ve been with my current boyfriend for four months now. I’m halfway through my second year of teaching, and it’s been okay so far. A job is a job. Sometimes I wish I had a different job, but at the same time, I’m not quite sure what I’d be doing instead. I’m not quite sure if I’m even capable of doing anything else. My Christmas break is ending, and I’m due to be back at work tomorrow. I technically still have one more full day of my vacation. I moved to my new house in NCS about a week ago, and it hasn’t been too bad. The adjustment’s been alright, but I still have this feeling in the back of my mind that I’m only temporarily staying here. I miss Barrigada sometimes, but ultimately, I like my new house a lot. It’s a proper home, and I have a proper space. But I strongly long for Barrigada, and I’m imagining myself in the building right now. I feel really sad, but I know these intense feelings of longing are triggered by anxiety. I’m really anxious to go back to work. I feel ill-prepared, but I know that I’ll be okay. Before I know it, it’ll be summer vacation and I can relax for a few months. It’s scary to think of my future. I hope I will have a happy 2023. I love you a lot, Cameron.

I don’t want to initiate anything anymore. You make me feel unloved, unwanted, and you couldn’t care less. I want someone who’s perfect for me and it’s so not you.

We should break up. I can’t date someone on the ace spectrum. Not with my sex drive

I hate feeling this unwanted and undesirable

I actually don’t know if this is going to be forever and will work out lol. My ex was fucking terrible in terms of emotional compatibility but our SEXUAL compatibility was FUCKING PERFECT. My current partner is great for fulfilling my emotional needs, but we’re definitely not very sexually compatible. I’m pretty sure he’s sex-indifferent and falls somewhere on the asexual spectrum. I think sexual compatibility is important to me in a relationship, so I might have to talk with him soon. Maybe breaking up IS an option in this case. Sad but the truth needs to be faced.