[WARNING: This magazine feature includes extreme levels of ego, questionable fashion advice, and unprompted music recommendations.]
[Found in a discarded folder at the studio after Baird left. It appears he left his personal reference materials behind, likely because he was too busy complaining about the lighting to notice...]
Editor’s Note: "We genuinely regret this cover story. We scheduled a standard interview about gear maintenance and bot builds, but instead, we got ten consecutive hours of Damon Baird complaining about the lack of "brains" in the COG."
This is the cover of the new engineer daily magazine
More notes from the Editor, from Engineer Daily:
The sticker: "The sticker on the cover? That was non-negotiable. Baird threatened to dismantle the entire printing press if we didn't include it. We watched him nearly break down in tears when our design team suggested removing it. He said "it for my loyal fans!" Who are his fans? We don't know."
The pose: "Yes, that is an unbuttoned shirt. No, it was not in the style guide. He insisted it was essential for "showing off his edge," then proceeded to stare at his own reflection for forty minutes. Between the sticker and the "fur-like" patch on his chest, he seems to be hinting at something...dog-like. We aren't sure, but he spent the entire day acting like he was auditioning for a movie that wasn't real."
Jackbot Exclusion: Another near-meltdown occurred when we told him the Jackbot could not be featured in the glamour shot. He spent the remainder of the shoot trying to convince us that "Damon Albarn would have allowed it". We think he would have started sobbing if his friends weren't in the magazine too. We thought he was more of a... "no feelings man", but he was really emotional."
Music Recommendations and outfits: "If you pick up this issue, please be prepared for six pages of Baird ranting about his "best mechanic outfit" and why we should get him again for more covers but he insisted all "Damons" (himself included) are inherently cool. And he also said "joshs" are cool too. So make that what you will. but he has threatened to sabotage our equipment if we don't include his playlist. Although we think no one wants to know."
Squad Logistics: "Delta Squad was present for the interview, though they were largely unhelpful. Marcus spent the afternoon looking like he wanted to punch the walls, Cole was trying to hype up the little crowd, and Dom just looked exhausted, he tried to look happy but he was trying to stay awake with our coffees. He drank four cups. It was a long day."
"We’re just glad he finally left the building. We are so tired."
Editor’s Note: "Please don't lick the prints, no matter what Baird says."
- The exhausted staff at Engineer Daily
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