katements

I’m tired and cranky and actually had an easy day. I just hate doing things on Sunday and went to the hair salon (which meant showering, putting on makeup and doing my hair - all to go get my hair done) and a Christmas party on top of what I’m willing to do on a Sunday (yoga and the grocery store, which is about my typical limit). 

How am I going to do this as a mom? Babies, toddlers and kids don’t respect the sacred ground that is a Sunday. 

I was keeping it together, but Farzad warned me before the Christmas party, “just watch, someone is going to put their hand on your tummy.”

Surprisingly, the person that did is a woman who just gave birth four months ago. Four months ago!! You’d think she’d know! She also breathed heavily on me, which was gross - so between those two things, I was done.

But it didn’t stop there. I heard basically all my worst fears from her - an emergency c-section because her baby was sunny side up and she had arrested labor. Her baby latched, and she thought he was feeding well, but when he dropped to the 10th percentile for weight, they realized something was up with his tongue and he wasn’t latching well. Each feeding took an hour and a half, which was a sign something was wrong. She talked about not sleeping for the first 3-4 days and just running on adrenaline. Her baby also has a dairy allergy so she can’t eat cheese, ice cream or drink milk while still breast feeding. Of all these things, that’s like my worst nightmare. I’ll take a c-section, but don’t take away my cheese. 

Then, she wanted to introduce me to her son, and asked if I wanted to hold him. In my head I said no, but of course I said yes. What pregnant lady doesn’t want to hold a baby? Me. 

It did not make me excited at all. It’s not my baby. It’s not yet my life. I haven’t gone through the final 8 weeks of pregnancy, labor and delivery, plus another four months to be excited to hold a four month old that looks nothing like what my baby will look like. 

Holding that baby and not being excited about it made me understand for a moment what post-partum must feel like. I’m chalking it up to me having zero personal connection to this woman (she’s my husband’s work colleague) and this baby, being hungry but not able to eat or drink at this party, tired, and not wanting to be anywhere but in my comfy clothes on my couch on a Sunday evening. And I was anywhere but in my comfy clothes on my couch. 

I like to think I have a sense of all that’s about to change given I got what felt like a sucker punch in the stomach in the middle of the night last night (contraction or just a serious kick, I dunno), but unsure if my husband has that same sense of reality. Little comments here and there clue me into the fact that he’s got a ways to go. Tonight’s experience though made me realize I still have a ways to go, too. 

This week I listened to an interview between Cheryl Strayed and Oprah on my drive to work. It was so good! There were so many good nuggets in there that I need to capture here, and will do when I have a moment, which I don’t have many of those these days. 

Until then, some of the biggest takeaways that I’m thinking about is how she so beautifully captured the mourning process of losing a mom. Her words resonated with me so much when reading, when watching the movie WILD and even in this interview. But then more immediate things, like writing a letter to you’re younger self (that could be a good exercise for me) to help let things go, to be vulnerable (something that I need to be better about especially in this birth process), and just the concept of being on a journey and coming out the other side a different person. 

Another one of my birth fears is not having the support I need. The story I grew up hearing was that no one was around for my birth. Everyone was watching this epic Brown’s game: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_Right_88. I also learned my mom had pneumonia when I was born and had to stay in the hospital for weeks after my birth. I’m guessing I stayed too. A psychic told me once I was born into this world knowing my mom wouldn’t be around given she was sick nearly my entire life - at the beginning and starting again when I was five. 

I don’t want the same experience for my baby. It’s his birthday. I want it to be joyous and fast and easy and healthy. I want lots of love and support from Farzad and my doula. Sometimes I think of inviting friends over while I labor or to the hospital, but that’s likely not a good idea, nor enjoyable for them. However, I am going to reach out and invite them to read my writing over the next ~10 weeks. 

Probably one of my biggest fears around birth is triggered when I hear birth stories about tapping into your primal side. 

“You go to a place that’s hard to explain,” is one of the many ways its been explained to me. 

I nod and smile like I don’t know what they’re talking about since I’ve never given birth.

But underneath that smile is an idea of what that primal side is like. 

When my mom died, I flew in from Maine where I had been shipped away for the summer while she was in the hospital, and she was already in a coma by the time I arrived. She couldn’t talk or see anything. Her eyes would twitch and that was the only way I knew she could hear me. Supposedly hearing is the last to go. 

I talked lots to mom, but then it got to a point where I just broke down into tears. I couldn’t stand up. I fell to the ground and was crying so incredibly hard. My cousin Meggin described it to me as hearing an animal ripped away from its mother - that primal type of cry. I guess you could hear me all the way down the hospital hallway. 

While this is a very different circumstance - the beginning of life, not the end - the thought of tapping into that primal side during labor is really scary for me. I don’t want to go back there. I don’t want other people to see me like that. Will my neighbors hear me while I labor at home? 

This is something I have to think and meditate on and make peace with because it can’t be avoided. Maybe I won’t go there - but if I do, I can’t avoid it or resist it because my inner 12 year old is afraid of revisiting that side of me. 

“The only way out is through,” is one of my favorite mantras. 

I went for a walk today, and discovered this podcast on Spotify. I have a lot of fears about labor, so started with this episode. So much amazing wisdom and insight here. I only want to dig in more! I had to stop and take notes (copied below). 

Some thoughts are also swirling in my head as a result:

>>> continue to write regularly over the next 10 weeks (until my delivery, and maybe after), and invite my “tribe” to read this blog so it helps me open up, face my fears with support, and invite my mommy community in. that’s going to be a hard one for me to do. so vulnerable. ugh. 

>>> ask my doula to do the partner yoga class with me about yoga & massage for labor since my husband doesn’t want to and is working the night before

>>> take the full four weeks off before my delivery so I can mentally get in the game. yoga, pilates, massage, walks, meditation, visualization, sleep, cook, eat healthy, etc. the next two weeks are going to be insane. the last couple weeks have been overwhelming, and then family will be here again for two weeks. i haven’t been exercising/walking nor eating as healthy as i would like, and my stress levels have been high. i don’t want to continue like that up until my delivery. 

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NOTES

“You birth with your body, not with your mind. So let your mind go”

“You’re not in control. It’s like the tide. You can’t control the in and out, just ride the wave.”

“List your fears and work through them one by one”

“Pregnancy is the beginning of birth”

“Make peace with the worst possible scenario”

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Check in with the baby leading up to the birth (on their feelings, fears):

* there’s two of you in this

* do the same visualization sports athletes do

* you trust them, they know what to do, they know you’ve got this

* imagine how it will feel, how it will go

* imagine you birthing your baby

* this is going to be smooth, safe, pleasurable, fast

* constant messaging to baby

* you’re confident, you’re supporting them, your protecting them

* we can do this, we’re a team

* babies need to feel safe, not stressed

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Book: Babies remember birth