Things that will ensure I will never ever read your romance novel
I am feeling crabby so a list of my personal pet peeves.
1. Reverse Harem. I find more than two people involved in a romance the opposite of appealing and when we get to mathematical computations to accommodate all of the heroine’s love interests? Shudder. Speaking of amazon, stop giving me suggestions that consist 85% of reverse harem books. Has anything in my reading history indicated I have any interest in them? I’d rather read a cookbook on 100 ways to prepare skunk than read one of those books. Your algorithm is demented. I am extra annoyed with this as it seems to have sprung out of nowhere and be eating fantasy romance and romantic fantasy subgenres. Even some of my favorite authors are switching to this, going from an automatic buy to an automatic nope. If I wanted to read about group ****, I’d go elsewhere, preferably with a lot of xxx in the site name.
2. Medieval Europeans eating potatoes. I don’t demand world’s best historical accuracy, but if you are blatantly ridiculous, go away.
3. Any novel where the hero is named Devil, Satan, Sin or similar. For example the latest Sarah McLean book? An automatic no because in a fit of apparent insanity, she named the hero “Devil.” There is no excuse for doing that sort of thing unless you are a Restoration era playwright calling your characters Lady Fidget and Mr. Gossip.
4. Begorrah, for I am a lusty Scotsman in a kilt speaking in awfully written brogue! Self explanatory. I have nothing against romances set in Scotland or involving Scottish characters (though I confess their popularity is not something I truly get. What’s so appealing about a cold climate, hills and men showing off hairy knees?) but when the author tries to write horribly fake Scottish brogue, yikes. Bonus points if the author has clearly never been to Scotland.
5. Anything with billionaire in the title. All I can imagine is Martin Shkreli shirtless.
6. I am MASTER and you will OBEY ME. As I go off to my important job as MIDDLE MANAGER of a cement plant. Seriously, 50 Shades was bad enough but all its pasty clones are even more ridiculous. If you like getting beaten and chained up, that’s your business (and already the opposite of what I find appealing) but those novels inevitably carry the bossiness outside the bedroom and make me half rage half laugh.
7. I am a Duke. My brother is a Duke. My cousin twice removed is a Duke. I live on Duke Street. Seriously, Dukes were pretty damn rare so if you write a series where every one of your heroes is a duke, I am gonna roll my eyes and pass. That’s a romance novel equivalent of grade inflation. Maybe those guys should go hang out with the billionaires from (5).
8. Pirates. Seriously, what is so appealing about sea sickness, robbery, and lice?
9. If you write about English high society and bungle up proper forms of address. It’s petty, I know.
10. Reverse harems. Because I hate them enough to put that in twice.
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