𝐃𝐀𝐘𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓.

GOODBYE, GALLAGHER: Kassandra Sutton, Class of 2021

– “OKAY,” CLAIRE SIGHS, AN APPREHENSIVE LOOK AT KASS, but she’ll take the answer at surface level for now. “ i just don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything from me. i’m always going to do what i have to do, but…we can talk about anything. and, uh, hopefully she still feels like that after the interview. ” claire laughs halfheartedly, leaning back slightly on kass’s bed. it’s true that it isn’t the most perfect of circumstances, but claire definitely feels relief. actually, claire feels an entire host of different emotions all at once, which is strange considering she has a tendency to hone into one emotion at a time, all in, and tune everything else out. now, she’s excited, nervous, relieved, scared, and…well, a little sad. living with kass was the one thing she was really looking forward to after graduation – vacations in italy aside – and now the plan has changed. it’s hard to be told you’ll have to wait after planning for something so soon. and the way kass looks at her now, the way kass really seems to BELIEVE in her without a second thought – it’s a reminder of why claire wants to work so hard for this relationship in the first place. she wants to share all of her successes with kass like this. “ yeah, i don’t think i’d do very well as just your friend, either, ” she cracks a wry smile, “ and i really don’t want anyone else anyway. so, i’d do pretty much anything to make it work with you if you want it, too. ” her hands fall to kass’s waist, trying not to cringe at the phrase ‘long distance.’ it sounds like such a cliche out loud, something they should be better than, but it is what it is – and such is the world of being a spy. as far as hurdles go, they could have it a lot worse. “ we’d be in the same timezone and everything, ” claire assures with a nod, “ and…definitely not forever. just long enough for me to get my footing and to put everything that happened this semester behind me. i need that kind of fresh start in the field, the opportunity to prove myself. ” and lisanna is handing her exactly that, another chance. it kind of seemed like she had a knack for it, considering her interest in drew as well, name recently marred by the burn book. she never pictured herself in this position, but it’s honestly something claire has gotten used to – always going through with a chip on her shoulder, fighting off the consequences of reckless actions. “ and then i’ll be right back with you, ” claire adds, leaning forward to press her lips to kass’s.

– “JUST BETTER TO BE PREPARED,” CLAIRE SHRUGS, because she thinks of it more as anticipating all scenarios – you know, just in case. besides, she knows what it feels like to get your hopes up about things, she’d rather just be pleasantly surprised. like she was when lisanna approached her in the first place. claire smiles back, but it’s tentative, like she’s not sure that kass’s quick response really SOLVES the problem at hand – if there is a problem, of course, but she can feel the sudden tension between them that hadn’t existed a few moments prior. despite claire’s usual reticence, even she knows that there is more to say. “ no, it’s fine. i get it, i’d rather you just…tell me what you’re thinking rather than pretend to be totally happy about it, ” claire says through slightly gritted teeth, because it is frustrating how difficult it makes it to be truly excited about the opportunity. the job itself, the seamless mentorship program…it’s a perfect fit for her, or…it would be, if it wasn’t in north carolina. her gaze lifts, looking up to meet kass’s eyes. there’s a moment of confusion, “ what ? why would you even…why would you say that ? ” claire asks, shaking her head. “ kass, come on, ” she shifts a little closer to her, “ i don’t think there’s ANYTHING in the world that could make me not want to be with you. especially now that i know what it’s like, i don’t think i could just go back. you’re the most important person in the world to me, and you’re my best friend. i might’ve made it through this year regardless, but it would’ve been so shit without you. which is how i pretty much think about the rest of my life – better with you in it, ” claire says. “ you still want that too, right ? ” 

– “I WOULDN’T SAY THAT. first, you’ll jinx me, and by now, i don’t think you can even claim to be surprised by my ability to screw things up, ” claire points out, and sure, there’s an air of self-deprecation to it, but maybe there should also be pride, because screwing things up is part of her SPECIALTY. the good things in her life, like kass, still feel like a stroke of luck ! she supposes that she doesn’t want kass to be over the moon about this, it wouldn’t make sense for kass to be excited for her to be so far away – it feels both bitter and sweet, the excitement of a job that she’s interested in mixed with the anxiety about being so far away from kass, who has been her everything over the past few years. “ in a couple days, but i’ll be back in time for us to go to italy. that’s not…there’s nothing that could keep me from that, ” claire says, wanting to reassure kass that at least one plan hasn’t changed. “ are you…are we gonna be okay ? ” 

– CLAIRE CAN TELL THAT KASS DOESN’T WANT TO SAY IT. that she’s probably THINKING it, but she’s nervous to ask outright. and claire doesn’t really want to say it outright either, but she knows that it’s something that they’ll have to address. the funny thing is, they’d prepared for this a while ago : the idea that they might have jobs in different cities or places, but when it didn’t happen, they had started making plans together. and now that they’ve made plans, it is hard to go back to the way they’d been thinking before. but claire also knows that if she were to pass up this opportunity, she’d regret it forever, especially once she made it to d.c. and started working at the gym. this is what she really wants to do, what she’s been working toward. “ yeah, that’s what i’m hoping. i mean, unless i really screw up the interview, that’s always POSSIBLE, but yeah, i think it’s a good sign, ” and it feels like a weight off her chest to say, or even to feel the slightest bit optimistic again. “ yeah, um. that’s where their only office in the states is, so…i’d move there if i got the job. ” 

– CLAIRE SMILES FOR A MOMENT AT KASS’S EXCITED REACTION. she can’t help it : she’s excited, too. however, she also knows that this could potentially put a wrench in their future plans, something they’d been so SET on for months now. “ yeah, well, it’s a job SOMETHING. i don’t know, she said they’d fly me out in a couple days for a first interview if i’m interested and…well, i AM interested. it’s just…when i say ‘fly me out’, it’s in north carolina. so, it’s sort of FAR. i’m not banking on anything yet, but…it’s a good company and the most interest anyone’s shown in me in months now. ” 

– SHE’S BEEN TRYING TO FOCUS ON THE ITALY TRIP, and how cute kass looks trying on all her different outfits ( which is especially adorable when you think about the fact that claire is just going to wear the same ripped jean shorts the entire trip. ) but she can’t, really, because she’s still thinking about her conversation with lisanna at graduation and the fact that she’s offered to fly her out to durham in a couple days for her first interview, right before they leave for italy. her head is spinning. “ this is sort of insane, but… ” she trails off, “ elisa’s mom came to talk to me at graduation. she works for this private agency, they do a lot of like…guns for hire type of shit, it’s pretty cool. ” 

– “YEAH, YEAH,” CLAIRE LAUGHS, “I CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU, SUTTON.” because it’s TRUE that she can’t say no to kass at a time like this, she might not really enjoy dancing, but she does enjoy seeing kass smile – it’s been a WEAKNESS of hers for years now, no matter how hard she’s tried to fight it. at this point, she doesn’t know why, it was always inevitable, but she also can remember a time where she doesn’t know all of the things she knows now. she’d tell her past self to be less scared, if she could, even though she knows her past self would never believe her if she told her that she could be THIS happy. her arms fall to kass’s waist, tugging her a little closer. “ no, we haven’t. because i don’t dance, ” claire explains, a la chad danforth. still, she knows what this means to kass, and maybe there’s a small part of her…a part that’s loathe to admit it but a PART of her that really enjoys this, too, always scared to get caught up in the idea of fairytales as not to be disappointed by reality, but right now reality is BETTER than anything she could’ve daydreamed, holding her girlfriend this close in the middle of the dancefloor. “ well, except this once, i guess. sometimes i can be persuaded, ” she adds, though only by one person in particular ! it’s hard to believe that this is only the beginning for them, maybe the last day of their first chapter, because everything STARTED at gallagher for the two of them, two girls in a spanish class ( a class that claire nearly flunked ) and now that’s all it is. the start. and they have an entire future that spans before them, starting with their new place in d.c. together. “ i can’t stop thinking about…i don’t know, last year. and the year before. but mostly last year, where i already knew you were it for me and i was so scared…not even because i wanted you and didn’t think you wanted me, which was part of it, but also because i knew what it would mean…because when you become certain about something like that, there’s no turning back, at least not with me. and definitely not with you, but i guess that’s why looking back is so funny ? ” claire shakes her head, soft breathy laughter escaping her lips. she’d blame part of this on the drinks she’s had prior, there are some bad influences on this dance floor, but maybe there is something to be said about nights that feel like fairytales. “ because i’m not scared any more. i just…i love you. and i’m so excited about everything we’re gonna do next. ” 

– IT’S TRUE THAT CLAIRE’S METHODS OF COMFORTING AREN’T ALWAYS warm and fuzzy…it’s just more of her nature, but it helps that it seems to work on kass, that she doesn’t have to change who she is in order to get through to her. claire catches the smile on kass’s lips and knows that she’s done her job, at least to the degree that she needed to tonight. her hands fall to kass’s waist with an almost SMUG expression on her face when she’s told that she’s right ! “ i think we’ve been over this enough times for us both to know that you’d be completely fine, ” claire laughs, “ but i’m glad that you don’t have to figure it out. and that i don’t have to figure it out. ” because kass changed everything for her, and maybe there was a point where claire could have shut down, figured out how she was supposed to exist without her, but instead she chose to let kass in, to trust that she could become a permanent fixture in her life. and now, existing alongside her feels like being half of a whole. “ oh my god, ” claire laughs out loud at kass’s question, “ don’t tell me you PLANNED all that to get me all sympathetic for you so that you could pull this on me. ” she’s accusatory in her glance, heaving a dramatic sigh as she can feel herself giving in. it is their final gala, after all, she might as well relent. “ fiiiine. just for a little bit. ” 

– CLAIRE STILL DOESN’T FEEL PARTICULARLY GOOD AT THIS ; the comforting thing. all she wants is to be there for kass, but it’s hard to know what to say at an overwhelming time like this. there certainly was a point where claire would have never dared to be so affectionate in public, but she’s changed her tune, pulling kass close to her and wrapping her arms around her. “ it might be, it’s probably pretty hard to say right now. a lot of things are changing, but i’m telling you that right now is NOT the time to worry about it, ” claire says, creating a small amount of distance so that she can meet her eyes with an almost stern expression. “ you can talk to her about it later, but it’s all going to work out how it should. she’ll figure it out. ” claire doesn’t blame val for freaking out about where she stands on spies after being double-crossed by her boyfriend, after all. but most importantly, she doesn’t want kass’s worry over her sister’s future to overtake the night. “ this is probably stupid of me to say, but, ” she places one kiss on kass’s jaw, “ stop, ” two kisses, “ worrying. ” a third to her lips, “ you’re going to drive yourself fucking insane. ” her nose brushes against kass’s before she pulls away. kass has always been the person that held her down, steadfast and grounded when she felt lost to the wind. it’s important to claire to be that person for her, and she can remember last year where she felt like she missed her chance entirely. she won’t let these moments pass her by. “ she lands in an hour, i think. she was lucky they could get her on the next. ” 

– “OKAY, WELL, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING…like, even just to talk, i’m here. i know i haven’t been through it at the level that you have, but i can probably say more confidently than most people that it’ll work out, ” he smiles. “ well, it was a fun vacation at least, ” louis suggests, even if he hates plane rides and needs to be pretty much knocked out on all kinds of drugs for the duration of them if he’s going to make it at all. “ same, it’s kind of full circle, isn’t it ? who would’ve thought ? ” his expression is fond, and it’s actually so funny to him to look back to when they first worked together as teenagers. “ most of the new things for me are just new for jas…she’s got a job in the same building that starts soon, and she’ll be moving in after graduation, so. that’s the majority of the excitement. ” and he might be up for a promotion soon, but he doesn’t want to jinx it by saying anything. 

“Technically second. The first was the spring festival,” he tells her, reaching for a cupcake from the table. He does limit the quantity of dessert he eats, the cupcake being his first dessert of the night. If they weren’t made by Kass, he’d skip. Maybe he’s letting loose a bit tonight, but he’s still boring! He chuckles lightly, the shyness back. “Doing the most for her is the least she deserves,” he says, taking a bite. “She’s going to be in Turkey the entire summer, and I got accepted into an internship in England and one in Spain, so I just need to answer back with my choice. I’m flying to Los Angeles for a bit to see my family first.” And to visit Clara’s grave. “But yes, we will be seeing each other a few times.”

      “  𝚠𝚎𝚕𝚕  𝚝𝚎𝚌𝚑𝚗𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢  ,  we  could  throw  a  joint  birthday  party  .  i’ll  just  be  celebrating  my  half-birthday  !  ”  they  muse  with  a  grin  .  “  i  guess  we’ll  see  if  i  throw  one  ,  ”  blair  shrugs  .  they’re  not  committed  to  the  idea  of  having  a  graduation  party  .  but  they’ll  have  to  see  in  three  years  .  “  a  green  tea  shot  ?  ”  makes  a  face  at  the  name  .  “  i  don’t  think  i  have  .  but  if  it’s  classy  then  i’m  all  for  it  .  i  was  about  to  suggest  that  we  do  lemon  drop  shots  ,  ”  they  chuckle  .  “  i  don’t  know  why  but  i  feel  like  after  the  years  your  mom  has  had  ,  she  might  be  more  inclined  to  just  shoot  tequila  shots  .  ”

He’d known to expect that his suggestion would set her off, and he knows anything he ever had with Val is not the same as sisterhood. He’d always admired what the two girl have as siblings, that they could always rely on each other, always have the safety of family in each other’s arms and hearts. He’d longed for it, wished for family of his own. And he knows the actions Kass takes are in an effort to protect, but Cole’s been trying to do that too, and it all still feels like he isn’t giving Val the freedom she deserves, the trust to make her own decisions. He looks to Kass, and he can’t ever be mad at her for how she’s hurting. The awful part is he does understand, and that dawns on him as he nods, eyes stinging with the acceptance that her guarding her heart is a strong choice, the choice he’d want her to make if it were anyone else. “And you’re far from that. In fact, you’re one of the smartest girls I’ve ever met, so… maybe that’s the right choice, Kass,” he says quietly with a small, sad smile, willing for the tears not to fall, but it’s harder when he can see her wiping at her own. “I just… I don’t want to be the reason you see your goodwill as a flaw. Your kindness does not make you a fool,” Cole tells her. It might be hard to accept if she thinks he’s only saying it so she could offer it him, but he hopes he can hear the honesty in his voice. He knows that might be hard, but right now, there is no pretense from him, no distant politeness, no fearful hesitance. Just his words, eyes brimming with his raw emotions. “Kass… I love her. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving her. And I refuse to lie to myself… or lie to her. I’m sorry.”

“yeah, a lot of the midwest is lame and, like, fields of nothing for miles and miles, but there are other parts that are nice.” if she had to actually spend time there she would hate it, but elliot liked the outdoor bits when no one else was around. “i haven’t, but it’s not far out of my way at all. maybe i’ll go this week.” she had already failed at finding a good graduation gift for kass, and getting her a rock would make elliot feel better about that. “you’ve known each other for four years so i don’t think it’s that soon.” she’s sure that if any couple could do it, it’s them. “i’m not sure if i’d like living alone.” the closest thing she’d had to living alone was living with her father, and obviously that didn’t go amazingly. “well, i can’t wait to visit your new place.”

This isn’t the first time he’s seen Kass’ green eyes glimmering with heartache, nor is it the first time it’s been because of him, and it doesn’t get any easier. “I have guarded my past for longer than I’ve known you,” Cole says quietly. “What I have left of my old life is mine, not a weapon I would use just to get closer to you and your sister. Wouldn’t I have mentioned it before now? If I had known?” His expression begs her to understand, but he knows he can’t force her to see his way. That expression falls as she goes on, echoing a fear he’s had as well. Caledonia might be dead now, but he’d be foolish to think it meant it was fully over. Cole doesn’t want to fight her, he doesn’t want to be at odds with someone he’d considered such a close friend, someone he still holds all that care for. But where he’d once wondered what the right decision was in the promise he’d made her, which sister he should give the loyalty of his actions to, he knows with clarity what the answer is now. It has to be Val every time. “I think we both have to stop trying to make that decision for her,” Cole says, voice low, but eyes earnest, and he knows she might hate him for it, but he has to say it anyway. He doesn’t raise his voice, but his words still begin to take on a longing urgency laced with the somehow hopeful sadness in his chest. “You may be right in some regard. Maybe there’s too much uncertainty in my life, maybe I don’t know what will become of my future, but I’m not afraid of that. I’ve spent so long with my choices ripped from me, and the idea that I don’t know what comes next now is so damn freeing I can’t even describe it. There are so few things I know with certainty now, Kass,” Cole please with her, the name he used to say so happily slipping into his words once he finally lets them drip with real emotion. “One of them is the way I feel about her, and the way I feel about you.”