downloaded an online chess app a couple days ago. i haven't played in so long, i was curious how i'd be. but i realized why i quit — i find it super addictive and completely pointless. i guess i find it frustrating that i'm not as good as i used to be as a kid. once i start, i just keep playing more games, trying to get my rating back up to where it was. and because i feel like i should be better than the people i'm facing, i play sloppy, assuming they'll play badly enough that i'll win anyway. it's a total waste.

had a really nice day :3 went around to barbeque parties with friends, had a bit of daytime beer and talked about gender stuff, had to crowd into an entirely empty apartment to avoid a sudden thunderstorm (def a new one for me), made quick fancy ramen for my new roommate, and her tiny dog fell asleep cuddled against me on the couch

i didn't realize how much mental energy i was draining by living in places where every minor misstep would result in an angry text and a (metaphorical) strike to my permanent record.

god it's soooooooo nice to cook in a kitchen that's actually lived in :')

ok i'm sure people's history of the us is good, but i do find it funny that one of the earliest distinctions made is the "technical necessity" of cartographers creating map projections vs the unnecessary cultural bias of historians in burying atrocities. i guess it was a few decades too early for the tumblr discourse on the cultural bias of the mercator lol.

really glad i spent all day packing, because apparently i'm moving tomorrow?? i was planning to move this weekend, but my new roommate very kindly set up some chinese movers for wayyy cheaper. and tomorrow was the cheapest option. as usually i'm slow to emotionally adjust, but at least i'll physically be ready lol.

i don't even take pretty photos of my everyday world anymore. though i'm hoping that's partly just living in a place with way fewer cute front yard gardens.

fearful that my great fear of offending or overreaching is diminishing what my platonic relationships could become. i feel i do still carry a youthful spark in my heart, but i never let it rise to youthful hope. i just enjoy silly little joys on my own, and of late less even of that.

if i, as an amab nb, go on a perfectly pleasant but uneventful first date with a lady, is it still ghosting if neither of us send a message after or am i good

it's so always weird to me when i see rpf described as controversial, because seemingly everyone i knew as a teen consumed it as casually as water

i need to learn how to talk about myself on dates. i feel like i never say stuff about myself unless asked, and end up seeing boring.

accidentally exploded a capacitor like a foot from my face today 😬 but then my friend handed me her tiny dog to hold for emotional support 🥲

latest toxic trait is "playing hard to get" by trying not to appear as a view on an instagram story by someone i might be interested in. so instead i click the story next to theirs and use the preview of the following story to see what they posted -_-

yet another reminder that seemingly everyone i find attractive is a lesbian and everyone who finds me attractive is a gay man

every day i do psychic damage to myself via the internet and periodically just open tumblr and scroll to heal said damage but i think it's still a net negative