last born son

the pain stays hard but i stay harder #boner

Didn't realize they made emergency thermal blankets for babies

i like the phrases "it's not for me," "it's not my thing," and "i'm not the target audience" because they're the most concise way to express "this thing that you enjoy has merits but idgaf about it" without being aggressive

I SHOWED IT TO MY FLIGHT ATTENDANT WHEN HE GAVE ME MY COOKIES AND HE LAUGHED SO HARD HE TOOK MY PHONE TO SHOW IT TO THE OTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT

I don’t know how you got a good grade in being a passenger on an airline but that’s a totally normal thing to achieve and I’m not seething with jealousy at all.

my body is a machine that turns glasses of water into drinked glasses of water5

hey check it out guys, free 5

if i were a shrimp id be so embarrassed because everyone can see my poop line

a severe thunderstorm warning that doesnt follow through is worse than orgasm denial

How are my sweetie pees

Everybody in the club Yield to my will

reblogging a funny low note count textpost on your dash made by your mutual's mutual kinda feels like walking up to two strangers on the street and laughing loudly at their joke