I swear I'm here??

Lol ok, so I am masking. I am not ok. I have been spiraling. And I just used a coping method that Imm not supposed to use, (i am not hurt tho, don’t worry abt that) and now I have regrets and I feel gross.

Lowk here is just a vent on whats been stuck in my mind.

Life has me so stressed out”

“I don’t even care that it’s over.

I don’t even care there’s a wall.”

That happened yesterday. Today I go back to school as normal. I have to I am going to see the people who watched me leave with tears in my eyes. I have to I am going to feel stared at, on of my worst fears.

I admire you in a similar, more fallen way.

In the story of Orpheus and Eurydice, at the end, Orpheus can’t help but turn around, and when he see’s the live of his life, she disappears. I keep delaying the exit of this underworld, because part of me wants to disappear. Part of me is scared of you ever seeing me. If I stay here, then if you see me, that would be the last time I burden you. Yet you stand there at the exit, knowing I want to follow. You just stand there and wait for me. You’ve told your speeches, you’ve admitted our truths, you’ve sung out flaws. Sung. Not screamed. You sang them in a beautifully crafted song. And you hum it in patience. You hold my hand but know that I am afraid to walk through the exit. You look away not because you are afraid of me or ashamed of me as the voices say you are, but because you understand the rules. These set rules and boundaries that despite the fact they are made for me, I do not understand them.