in living colour

trauma has always taught me that the things i love can disappear or change without much warning. i start preparing for the version where it all becomes unrecognizable before it actually does.

i’m always waiting for the shoe to drop. i’m always thinking that what matters today will stop mattering tomorrow. i’ve been shown too many times how replaceable, disposable, and irrelevant i could become to people i’ve loved. i was conditioned to believe pain in every form was the price of connection, and that chaos meant care.

i convinced myself that if i was mentally prepared enough, maybe i could survive it better next time.

in my past i haven’t truly let people in, and i think this way of thinking has protected me for years. but now it’s hurting the relationships i cherish most.

i’m so afraid they’ll change that i brace for it before they ever do. i start responding to the loss instead of the person who’s still here showing up. i spend so much time trying to protect myself from tomorrow that i repeatedly miss today. and today is all i actually have.