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i’m going to be really honest with you guys i think the tendency to read the absolute worst possible intentions into every action you don’t agree with is getting too automatic and it’s eating you from the inside out

Remember when Xbox was going to basically ban used games for the xbox one, and Playstation made fun of them with that video titled "how to share games on Playstation" and it was just one guy handing another a game disk? And now Playstation is getting rid of physical disks entirely

If you look at the actual history of the decline of empires, in the vast majority of cases it's less an immediate implosion and more a decades-long slide into geopolitical irrelevance, so it's pretty likely nobody reading this post will live to see the ultimate Fall of the American Empire™, but there's value in being there at the start, too.

people keep telling me its "narcissistic" to build an army out of clones of myself but it'd be a lot weirder if they were clones of someone else right

please dont vape your blueberry ice flavor around my kid. we are raising him on marlboro reds exclusively.

its wild that no ones even pointed out that two of the tumblr sexyman contenders were in the same show together

To be clear I have never been more proud of anyone or anything

Let's all run outside and start yelling and screaming and see if we can get people to panic. If everyone did this it would make a big difference

aren't gorillas gentle giants or something. i stay out of his way, he doesn't maul me, we have a nice time picking out clothes together in opposite sides of the mall

Male gorillas are super aggressive and territorial. Also they interpret nearly every human mannerism as a sign of aggression or a challenge. Smiling and eye contact are both things that zookeepers have to be taught to suppress when they’re in the vicinity of gorillas.

This is all irrelevant because the obvious answer is five black mambas. I mean, that’s not actually very many snakes, and malls are fucking huge. And unlike a gorilla you can definitely outrun a snake if it does show up. Find an open space in the mall where you can see any snake coming and just hangout out there. Fucking easy.

They should substitute "chimpanzee" for "gorilla" in this hypothetical.

if it was a chimp i'm taking the fucking snakes

Black mambas have a reputation build on being very venomous and very fast. I'm not sure why you would think you could outrun one (or five) in an enclosed space like a mall.

Malls usually have pretty slick floors, and escalators. I’d choose the gorilla simply because I think that would make an more interesting story (and a better-selling autobiography, I Survived the Mall Gorilla) but I think I’d stand a pretty good chance at avoiding the mamba. They’re fast and aggressive and will chase you but unless we started immediately beside each other I think my sneakers would have the terrain advantage over scutes.

fucking enamored with the implication that this gorilla is fully intelligent but is trying to manufacture plausible deniability like the movie barnyard

passing in public makes me feel like white shrek