~ ramblings ~

in the past three years if you look at what ive accomplished at face value - its been immense. from getting into a renowned university - to graduating - to finding a job in a new city - to moving out and living by myself for the first time. exciting times. but, also lonely times. its insane because at face value, it really looks live i have been living my best, glamourised life that you see posted all over social media, but when im alone and by myself at home - there are vulnerabilities and the perfect facade begins to crack a little. 

now in no way am i saying that my life is terrible and i know that many people out there have it so much worse. largely i’m very optimistic and positive about my life and i find solace in spending time alone and having my own me time. but when i’ve been confined within the four walls of a small apartment complex, it really does make it difficult to be entirely optimistic. 

i strive to stay connected with those around me who i know care about me. so many people have reached out and it reassures me and makes me feel loved, and for this i have been so grateful. but at the same time - at the end of the day its just me and myself going to bed ready to face another day of the same routine. 

being in lockdown has been the catalyst for these feelings and i swore to myself i would never be the type of person to get homesick. i had longed for this freedom all my life. but the more i sit at home, the more i miss my home. to me - my place now is significant because it’s the first place i moved into alone and stepped into my big girl shoes. 

sometimes you know when you feel like you’ve tried your hardest but yet its still not good enough? yeah thats a feeling thats way too common these days in this day and age. its the feeling thats been embedded into me from a young age, when you would run home from school eager to show your mum youre 98% on your maths test, only for her to reply with “why didnt you get 100%”. for a young child, your world suddenly comes crushing down because even though you gave it your all, once again that was not enough.

now im not saying that im perfect and that i should be winning left and right, but it feels shitty when you know you gave it your all but it still wasnt enough. im keeping myself optimistic and telling myself that its just not the right time, something better will come that will open up countless of opportunities for me, but its still hard. i think at some point, perhaps i had gotten so use to rejection that i gave up on trying, but then when you manage to muster your courage up to finally try again, it still doesnt work out. its quite painful really sometimes. 

you know what im so unnecessarily afraid of? having my own opinion. in a society that advocates so heavily for free rights and freedom of speech, i find comfort in conforming and blending into the background walls of a room. ive never been one for the centre of attention, and i never wish to be in the spotlight, but sometimes it gets to an extent where my own existence and voice is voided out. its not a pleasant feeling, having all these thoughts and words that i want to be able to say, but being afraid to, in the case that someone judges me for ‘my’ opinion. its almost ironic in the sense that people always tell me ‘you have good points and opinions, we’d like to hear them’, but then the moment they do they’ll immediately make an unconscious judgement about them. 

can you believe that my first post was over five months ago, and simply addressed having too much time on my hands? i think that in these five months, time is a concept that virtually has no meaning for me anymore. it feels like that this whole year has been just stuck in limbo, and i am sure that many others feel the same way. its disheartening because i can recall the exact moment my friends and i wholeheartedly boasted “2020 will be our year”. and come nine months into this so called “year”, and everything seems to be sluggish. 

i think we all started this year optimistic and hopeful. the most common train of thought was “this will pass quickly”, and i too had this resolve, however it didn’t pass. its funny how during this year, events that occurred in march feel like they happened yesterday, because as the year progressed time became my enemy. the goals i had set out at the start of the year began to expire, and they were left unfulfilled, as i rapidly sought to adjust these goals. with each passing day came a new wave of enhanced helplessness and pressure and there was nothing that i could do about it, even if i tried. 

mental health is a topic that is seemingly avoided and almost regarded as “taboo” in asian culture. it’s startling because its an issue that is so often glossed over, and too often i have heard that depression or anxiety simply ‘aren’t real things’. growing up, these topics seemed worlds away and every time it was brought up my parents would advise me that depression or anxiety was only a phrase created for those who were mentally weak, and that they needed to become stronger in order to combat this, and i thought that this mindset was right. 

coming from an asian family, i was raised under the belief that one must be able to face pressures, be resilient and strong. this is in no way incorrect, and taught me many values that i uphold even to this day. through this, i have cultivated an ability to shoulder burden and pressure that guides me through tough and challenging times, but what is often unseen is the downside to this. this manifests in the form of shouldering excessive burden that deteriorates your mental state, and most importantly a tendency to mask your emotions because having ‘feelings’ equates to being weak. unfortunately, this is all too common in asian households and what arises out of this is the normalisation of swallowing emotions and trauma. i have had many discussions with those around me who grew up in a similar environment, and they agreed that so much of their underlying trauma stems from their upbringing. 

i think that this raises a bleak issue in regards to mental health, that is the result of many years of unaddressed trauma and upbringing. unfortunately, its difficult to change the perception of mental health in the older generation as their opinions are so heavily embedded into their mindset, and my stance is that as the younger generation we can make an attempt to educate them, but it is ultimately up to them if they wish to adopt this. i believe that as we grow older we come face to face with this reality and the impacts it will have on our lives, and the fact that mental health is of utmost importance, more so now than ever. 

end notes:

3am is a strange time of the day, everyone is asleep, and those of us who are not are fiercely trying their best to suppress their inner monologue in hopes of falling asleep just like everyone else. however, 3am is arguably the time of the day where my brain’s creativity thrives the most. how dysfunctional and annoying, as when i need it to, my brain ceases to function for a large majority of the time. 

however, as more and more of us are resorting to quarantine and self isolation, there is only so much that we can do during the day before we begin to simply, do nothing. now, im not saying doing nothing is a bad thing, sometimes people just need the time and rest. however, theres only so much of nothing that you can do. and then, it gets to a point where your brain is more less overloaded. i think, thats where i am right now, and perhaps thats why ive decided to write these thoughts (ramblings as you may like to call it) out.