I'm so tired man.. I'm just not made to live in this world.
I am so exhausted, I never mean no harm but every word that comes out my mouth seems to be missinterpreted in the worst way possible by others.
I promise I don't mean to be loud, to hurt feelings to have "ulterior motives"
When I say something I just mean what I said, not sublinal, between lines NOTHING!
I hate being autistic at times I HATE IT.
Why??? Just why am I like this WHY?
It feels like no matter what I do, where I go, what I try to change I will never be truly a person.
I feel like a caged animal in my own mind.
No matter who I meet and how much they tell me it is okay to be myself it always feels like I am one miscommunication away of loosing them forever, has happened and will happen again I just know it.
Sometimes I just want to shut down and never utter a word again, bc at this point I'm convinced I could say "nice shirt" to someone and they'd twist it into me telling them to go fuck themselves.
I'm tired just so so tired, God. Oh my God.
Worst of all is that whenever I express any of these thoughts it feels like I'm just pity parting or justifying myself.
It is EXHAUSTING to have to think ahead in a thousand ways people could interpret what I say, but then I say nothing and they think it's weird if I'm too quiet JUST WHAT IS IT???
A couple months ago I lost a rly close friendship with a family member bc they tvought I was always competing w/ them, I never knew they felt like this, never knew that is something I implied or accidentally made them think?? They just... ... stopped talking to me out of the blue. Stopped acknolaging me, stopped messaging me, just... stopped.
I had to seek them to fix things twice, TWICE bc they wouldn't just talk to me.
Just what is it y'all?? What is this secret social code y'all have?
One one hand I am literally UNCAPABLE of understanding cues and social structures, but on the other it is still my responsability to be self aware enough to not fuck up.
I'm disabled, there are things abt myself, my mind, my brain I cannot control and will never be able to control no matter how self aware I become.
I feel so nauceous and dizzy just trying to understand what the hell happened, just..
Ugh. I just... genuinely do not feel human. I'm not a real person.
I'm just feeling like a bunch of flaws wearing a person's skin..
baratheonpilled
vaporwave
dailybridgerton
theartofmadeline
