Beneath the Wooden Trapdoor

Hi, tumblr! I’ve not done this in a while... :) 

A friend once commented that I always prefer it safe or something along those lines; like, being afraid of stepping out of my comfort zone or spending more time with friends online than face-to-face. I’m not really sure if she meant it as an insult. But I also doubt if she would’ve told me outright if it was. It’s not in her character to casually drop criticisms like that. So I’m assuming that it was simply her observation of me. Whether it works for me or not, she doesn’t really know. It goes deeper than that. You’ve to know where I’m coming from.

I have never been a big risk taker. But I was more willing to try and fail many times when I was a lot younger than now. And it was okay because that’s what being young is about, the discovery.  But now being in my 30s, it seems that the room for failures is becoming smaller.

Overtime, I’ve become more wary of the risks I take and the relationships I build. The world has rather become a scarier place than how I used to see it. Past experiences now dictate my future actions. I believe that while I haven’t made stellar career choices, I also can’t really say that I’ve failed in them. I’m just really slow to realize what I’m meant to do in life. They were good stepping-stones though. I tried hard to strive and made sure that I still gave my best, because that’s just me. Once I’ve started something, no matter how much my emotions goad me to do things half-assed, I just can’t. I’ll have to see it through to the finish, no matter how ugly the results, until it’s no longer within my power, and that’s when I’ll stop.

It’s the people that breeds my anxiety, who I’ve become more cautious about. I’ve worked with (not all kinds yet, but) many nasty people since I joined the workforce at 21 (I was pampered growing up so I started pretty late); from people who shamelessly take advantage and full credit of your work, people who threaten to have you deported because they can’t have their way, to people who’ll go to the bitter end by accusing you of something you didn’t do to tarnish your reputation to prevent you from getting ahead, and the like. 

People fail to realize that I give more value to greater levels of service than money. I don’t aim to move up to management just because. I prefer to do it myself if I reckon it’s time and not be overwhelmed. This is the reason why I want to be part of something that actually helps people than deal with office politics. I feel better about myself for having a purpose. It’s less drama that way. But not the kinds of responsibility that make people rely on me too much or trust me with their life. I’m not there yet. Many people don’t share my values and beliefs but I feel that they need to understand and respect them.

Unlike buying frivolous things on impulse, I don’t make big life decisions on a whim anymore. I carefully weigh things out while knowing that I could still make the wrong choice. This is how I choose my battles.

My head is overflowing with questions.

Why go back to school?

It isn’t only because I want to get a better job in a different field or feel better about myself or set an example to my future children or earn more.

Feeling stuck and not moving forward in my career was the trigger event, the catalyst for introspection and exploration of a more recent interest, something that I could develop a deeper passion for.

Is testing the waters by going back to school, especially that I’ve not been in a classroom environment for some time, the right move at this point? No one knows.

Does my going to graduate school build confidence or improve performance even though it has nothing specifically to do with previous works? Again, no answer.

This is what I’m about to find out, because I’ll never really know unless I do it.

I will myself to be able to overcome the fear of change and stop letting it slow me down.

I will myself to be able to stop overestimating the risks and underestimating my ability to handle them.

I will myself to learn to speak up about the issues that are weighing me down.

I will myself to throw out my assumptions of how the world works.

I will myself to stop conforming and start owning what makes me unique.

Take that leap of faith despite the uncertainty, because only when you decide to do something and act on it, will you be able move from the probability of staying where you are to the possibility of succeeding.