musings

I often dream about living in the province, by the sea or in the mountains. I dream of living a simple life, having enough to eat, having simple good food and enjoying the quiet.

Then I remember my life here; the people. I can’t leave my family. They keep me alive. I also have work to do.

Did you have a great day at the office?

What I’d give to know all of your worries for tomorrow, to let you know that I’ll be beside you no matter what. 

Are you dreading tomorrow?

I can’t wait to come home to you. To have dinner together and lay beside each other. 

I know there will be days when we’ll be content with the quiet. I also know that there will nights that don’t seem long enough to hold the stories we have for each other.  

I ask my friends to use they/them pronouns 

 She is just not who I am 

Am I really gender fluid? Or was that just an excuse to hide behind femininity because I’m too scared to even consider being trans. 

 I was too afraid to act all butch because I didn’t think that was pleasant. 

I wanted to be femme. 

I was (sort of) good at it. Was it simply me trying to act the way I thought I should? Or was that who I really am? 

 I remember trying to pee standing up. I remember imitating how Papa walked. I remember imitating my masculine friend. I remember wanting short hair. 

I’ve started to learn more about the LGBTQIA+ community in the past year. I learned more about being transgender. Since then, I’ve been more confident in presenting masculine.

 I’ve been feeling dysphoric. It fucking sucks. 

I’m not even sure if this is temporary so I can’t plan about my future without doubting it. I can’t decide if what I want right now would be what I want in the future. 

Books have more substance than films, blog posts, and youtube videos. This is what I always hear from my father. I always roll my eyes because it’s a conscious decision that I pick everything else over reading books. However, after some time I’ve missed reading. I found that I can’t focus on what I’m reading and it’s really frustrating me. 

What my father says isn’t entirely true for me and my generation. The internet has shaped our lives so much that many of my knowledge come from this.  I learn so many things that they don’t teach in school; feminism, various gender identities, gender neutral language, mental health, self-care, art, style. Films and TV Series showed me that people like me lead normal lives; representation. I’ve seen beautiful shots of the world and its people. There are so many stories from the internet that taught me humanity more than any book I’ve read or any lecture I attended. You don’t have to be a writer to be brilliant. 

My parents found a therapist; an old friend of theirs. She’s my ninang and she barely knows me. I’ve had my first two sessions. The first was okay, like sharing barely a gist of my life to the therapist. The second was horrible. I think the tests I took triggered me. She noticed. I trust her to be professional but after the session she magically becomes my ninang, a friend of my parents.

It’s been two weeks since my last session. I’m not particularly having a hard time right now.

Am I wasting my time?

Did I just share my dark side to my parents for nothing?

Will I ever understand why I’m like this?

Will I ever solve this bullshit?

I am unmotivated because it seems like no matter how hard I work the world will not change.

Cynical

Last time I felt like this I hated god, needed him, then decided that I don’t care enough to know if there is one. I recognize that no one knows for sure. 

Dysphoric

For the first time in my life, I used the word I didn’t think I felt.  All I can think about are flat chests, binders, and cutting my hair. 

I am anxious about my appearance now and about changing it. Will I like how I look? What if cutting my hair and wearing a binder will only make me feel dysphoric because I feel like a fake? 

What haircut should I have done?

Where can I buy a binder? Can I afford one on my own? 

I didn’t think this would be such a big problem. It is.

I was assigned female at birth. 

As a young child I believe I identified as a man. However, tomboy was the only language available to express my identity. 

As a young teenager I identified as cis-female. I had a girlfriend that time. 

During my late teens I encountered gender fluidity. It made total sense. 

It embraces everything I believe in and everything I feel. 

There are days when I don’t feel like a woman but feel perfectly fine with my body, but there are also days when I don’t feel like a woman and don’t feel at home in my body. There are days when I express myself as male but feel inadequately male.

Transitioning doesn’t seem like the right option for me as I know that my female identity will not be comfortable in a male body.*

The countless articles I’ve read validated my feelings enough to provide me a label that best describes who I am. However I thank the LGBT+ Youtube creators that are brave enough to share their story. They showed me what it is to be part of the community; who we are and what we are here for. Through them I realize the importance of living my life as honestly as I can and fighting for our rights. After all, trans rights are human rights.