So, at the end of last year/ beginning of this year I got a new, competent doctor. She ordered all the blood tests and everything to check me out, and found that I had Hashimotos Disease, which basically means my immune system was/is attacking my thyroid. Because of this she put me on meds for it and recommended that I go gluten free to help it.

Now, I love eating. I love bread. I've always been one of those people to roll their eyes at "the gluten free diet", thinking it was just that. A diet. So at first I was skeptical and basically just thought "screw that, ill just eat healthier". Well I ended up trying out her advice for a week and oh my god.

Story within a story time: (TW)

All my life from basically preteens and up I've been depressed with very heavy suicidal ideation. Like I could have had the best day of my life and I would still want to die at the end of the day. I had alcoholic parents and was pretty low income because of it, but nothing to warrant how I was feeling. Which would give me more guilt, "why do I want to die so badly when people have it so much worse?" These feelings caused me to isolate myself from most of my friends, and I had a very hard time in public. Had to stop public school, could barely work at all, couldn't even begin to think about going to college or anything like that. I never had a 5 year plan, plans for the future, etc. All I thought is that there was no future because I could never last that long. Along with these feelings I've always been extremely emotional, moody, quick to anger. "Sensitive" as my mom would say. I tried so many meds. So many doctors. So many methods. Finally just figured there was no fixing things and that was that.

Well, I tried gluten free to try to fix my thyroid, and after a week for the first time ever, I didn't feel " okay", "alright", I felt good. Then I broke gluten free and had my fave chicken sandwich. And 3 hours later like a ton of bricks was hit with the same overwhelming sadness thats always been there. The rage. The emotions. Suddenly i could handle unexpected things and letdowns without a meltdown. After quite a bit of this trial and error, things started to make sense.

I'll never forget the first time I read through the "gluten and depression" page of reddit during this, and I spent hours sobbing, reading countless accounts from others describing my exact life experience. Ragey. Depressed. Suicidal. Anxious. Then they removed gluten, and suddenly the future didn't seem so fucking dark.

It sucks, and its not easy, and God do i miss alot of foods, but it is so. So. Fucking worth it to have eliminated this constant feeling from my life. I still get sad and anxious, and still have to deal with the hashimotos symptoms, but to have that constant, constant thought of death off of my back has been such a relief. If I do become glutened, we always know within hours, its such a night and day difference in my mood.

For the first time in my life I finally feel like there's a future. I feel like I can work and be out more than 2 days a week. I can function in public. Its all been baby steps but its all steps I didn't think I would ever get to take.

I think about how different life could have been if I would have figured this out earlier. The opportunities missed, the friendships lost. It took 24 years but I finally feel like my life is beginning. I can't wait for the days that this is more talked about and widespread so people don't have to go through this. I think of all the people who never find out and don't make it through. And it hurts.