What do I know?

Love is one of the most wonderful things in the world. Love is life. Love is all the great things that you hear in music or see in your favorite rom-com. We need more love in this world with all the hate. But for some or maybe just me love also eventually feels like death.

Now don’t get me wrong, I believe in love and all the beautiful things it brings (ha ha Bars!).  The things it inspires, the things it can endure,  but I also see the pitfalls of love. And if you say, ”love has no pitfalls, or then you weren’t truly in love". You honestly are part of the problem. Nothing in life is without unintended consequences and too much of anything is bad for you.  And maybe this idealistic belief about love probably is where the problem lies.  Maybe the problem is in the truths that go unspoken, the lies we tell about love.  Because somehow being honest about something for many means your ruining the fantasy.  But as much as I love a good fantasy ;).  We do live in reality.   And the reality is Love is death.  

It is the death of the individual.  Now I get it, in a relationship, union, marriage etc. is the coming together of two individuals, but no one every talks about how that union gets stronger the individuals are dying.  I’m not saying that this is a bad thing or good thing.  I am saying it is a thing.   It’s the reality.  The more involved and deeper the love grows, the more of you starts to die. You start doing less and less as individuals. Certain things that were fine in the beginning subsequently are no longer ok.  You start to have to be places you don’t want to be, doing things you don’t want to do. And piece by piece your individual is dying a slow death.  Compromise is killing you.  No matter how much we love our new life in this union, we loved our individual self first. We are watching, it die in front of us, and in those times when we crave that feeling of being an individual, being spontaneous, we lash out. We lash out because we are fighting the death of ourselves. We are fighting for life. I truly believe you can love something to death. Maybe the way we view relationships is doing just that, loving our individual selves to death. And ironically, both parties are dying. 

 Personally, I know that is how I can feel at times. In all honesty, it probably has been the part of the reason I’ve left certain relationships ( both romantic, and platonic). I know I have a very different outlook on many things. I genuinely try to look at things objectively, and without emotion. And I really think my gift and curse is that I analyze everything. I try to learn from others as well as my own experiences. And I’m a self analyzer to a fault. And when I’ve self analyzed I didn’t like how far my individual had died in past relationships. And when I feel like I’m too far gone, I got out to reclaim self, or my perception of self. And I say perception because self evaluation doesn’t always allow for complete honesty. So for me there in lies part of the problem. The eternal desire for self-preservation. 

 And maybe I have a skewed view of love. I will concede that what loved look like for me in my formative years always looked “uncomfortable”.   It looked uncomfortable on many levels.  Any kid thinks their parents showing love to each other is uncomfortable because they are your parents and when you get to a certain age who wants to think of their parents in that way. YUCK!!  But, I think it was more than that for me. My dad wasn’t a man who typically wanted to say words like I Love you. Not that he didn’t, but his way of showing love was more of what he would do for you not what he said to you. My dad would more likely than not say to my mother ” don’t do anything I wouldn’t do” as opposed to I love you when they parted.   I guess the black version of ”ditto" (pardon the movie Ghost reference). Fast forward to adult me, my girlfriend just the other day said you can’t just say I love you can you? And honestly, maybe I cant because I rarely do. And it is not just her, it’s with my mother, and even my daughter sometimes. And it isn’t because I don’t, It’s because I’m more like my father than I ever want to admit lol. My expression is not through my words, it through the lengths I’m willing to go to for you. It’s also largely because for the most part it looked so uncomfortable or unnatural early on that it is uncomfortable for me now. Especially when it is not accompanied by any passion. 

 I guess I feel like love also kills passion too. Nothing is more passionate and memorable than the first time someone says they love you. Most people can remember that day vividly, or the day he proposed, or the day you got married. But those are milestones. I talking the monotony of love killing passion. Or in the same vain the monotony of relationships killing passion. People will say that people who work in their passion love what they do and are some of the most successful people. I agree, but there is something intrinsically different with love and passion in a relationship. In my estimation, the difference is time away. You see those successful people very often take time away from their “passions” and even pursue other “passions”. But rarely do people take time away from their relationships. This is probably why friendships tend to be some of the longest running relationships for humans. We don’t have to see them everyday. In fact as you get older you see them less and less frequently. Romantic relationships are the opposite, you see them more and more frequently as time goes on. And the love is there but the passion is dying. The I love you’s are still therer, but there is no passion there any more. And I believe it’s because love has killed it.

You ever wonder where the passion and excitement goes?  I figured it goes and dies the same place where we pick up comfort and lost motivation. We all remember the primal attraction that we first had for our mate.  The amount of pure lust that once existed.  And then like clockwork it seems that it all just fades away and becomes a distant memory.  A memory of a life that once was.  A day we long for, but struggle to get back.  I blame it on comfort (you read that before).  But the question is how do you resurrect it.  To find out we must start at the beginning.  

 It started with a look and a smile.  Next there was small talk and you exchange numbers.  You plan your first date or outing and you spend hours getting ready.  The lady is doing her hair and make-up, picking out the perfect outfit.  The man is getting a fresh cut, shaving, making sure he smells nice.  There’s flirting, sexual inuendos, and touching that leads to the first encounter.  She makes sure she has on her sexiest underwear, and he makes sure there are no holes in his. The mood has been set, whether its for something romantic or something carnal.  That is the beginning, the newness, the excitement, the passion.  Then things change.  

There was a time when she wouldn’t dare come to bed without looking like she was out of a magazine.  Where he wouldn’t wear “his favorite shirt” with the ketchup stain, and the faded underwear to bed.  Where her walk showed you she was a women to be sought after.  Where he wouldn’t come to bed without making sure he was freshly showered and smelling good.  But now your clothes are some how her clothes, and not in a flattering way.  In that “you look homeless and unloved way”.  And him, well him, he just said fuck it.  And he looks like he said just that.  That’s right the relationship has went to that magical place were we pick up comfort and drop off our libido.   

So how do we get it back.  Let’s start by appearances.  Ladies wear something sexy to bed.  Some nice underwear, give him something visual.  I put a little more on the woman in this category simply b/c well there just not that many options for men in this department.  Believe my I tried, unless you want your man coming to bed looking like a member of the village people (I don’t judge if you do) we don’t have much.  But men what you could do is starting by making sure your balls are clean, underwear are clean and without holes.  Next is the mood, Fellas you have to set the tone for the evening.  Get your romance on.  Give her a massage, lights some candles, and take it slow.   Or if it is a more primal evening, whisper something savage like in her ear.  Take control, make her submit.  But again do it with control and confidence.  Ladies after you put on something nice.  You set the mood with your confidence and that walk.  Lord knows we need that walk.  That walk that you had when we first meet.  Not wobble that you come to bed with now. 

 Start with these things and it could give you the much needed jump start.  You are both visual creatures, that is what initially brought you together.  And at some point we forget that when the comforts sets in.  Now I’m not saying that this has to be every night.  But lords knows it can’t be the exception, but has to be the rule.  And if your not willing to work at this, don’t be mad when they are looking for it somewhere else.  

 MLK realized that to get change you had to include “EVERYONE”  who was willing in the pursuit of change.  That everyone included people from all walks of life, color, creed, ethinicity, gender, age, and sexual orientation.  The real genius in the non-violent civil rights movement was that he/they realized that the work was to make the people who stood by idol, or didn’t believe in the issues so uncomfortable that they themselves could not turn away and continue to deny the problem.  As Jesse Williams said, “it is not the job of the oppressed to make the bystander comfortable”.  Many of our parents can remember how uncomfortable they or their parents were when the imagery from the Civil rights marches came through their televisions.  The Brutality of which peaceful protestors were beaten, sprayed with water hoses, and attacked by police dogs.  It put people in a position where they could no longer turn away and ignore the problem.  It became real.  Most people are not racist, bigots, sexist, or evil.  But when in the face of these things to continue to stand by and let people suffer without saying/doing something has some complicity in it.  That is why I propose that we keep the image and or names of these slain individuals circulating and don’t allow anyone to be comfortable with the state of police brutatlity in this country.  I’m going to try to do my part.  This however DOES NOT MEAN VIOLENCE.  It means that we meet any hate with LOVE AND PEACEFUL DEMONSTRATIONS.  We can not allow anything to detract from the task of ending systematic racism and police brutality.  And Violence against anyone cannot be tolerated. 

Police Brutatlity awww that sensitive word.  The key to that is Brutality.  The #blacklivesmatter movement is not anti-police.  And America needs to stop letting media outlets (mainly Fox News) lie to you about this.  At no time has the organization leaders condoned violence against law enforcement, or violence against anyone for that matter.  In fact, when someone who is rogue and not inline with the movements principles does an act of violence the movement immediately condemns and renounces those actions.  After the recent horrific attack in Dallas, the organizers of the rally and march immediately said that they do not support any violence let alone violence against officers whom where walking in solidarity with them and protecting them.

  My question is this, why can’t representatives of the Police departments ever just come out and do the same.  In fact, recently when an officer(and I apologize as the name of that Queen escapes me) did just that on her personal Facebook page she was quickly suspended for it.  These departements want their officers to be viewed by the public as individuals, but demonstrate opposite behavior when it comes to any rally/opposition to not the police but police brutality, and in many cases the communities that they police.  I can say that I have had experiences with cops both good and bad, as I can say about any group of people.  I don’t think all cops are bad. Most of my interactions have been pleasant.  In fact, I have many friends and family members whom are officers and want nothing for them to return home safe everynight.  I also hope they have the respect for their job and the oathe they took to protect and serve.  Just because I support #blacklivesmatter does not mean I don’t support #bluelivesmatter, #alllivesmatter.  We recognize that all lives matter, and cops lives matter.  What the movement is about is that we don’t feel like our lives matter.  We feel like suspects before we are people.  We feel like we have a presumption of guilt before innocence, we feel like there is more outrage when a damn gorilla dies than when one of our brothers and sisters is killed by someone intrusted to protect him/her.  And we know that the majority of police do their jobs honorably and with respect.  But the ones who don’t are not cast aside, in fact they are put in this untouchable coccoon that is beyond frustrating.  Hell, we all have people at work that are bad at their job, policiing is no different.  Just say they are bad at their job.  We expect contrition from people in all aspects of our lives, but some how police have become above reproach.   And if you are that sensitive that a hashtag bothers you maybe policing is not the right profession for you.  Because it is a very tough job, where you have to be able to be the calming force in the face of danger.  

But how did we get to this point where policing has become beyond reproach and critic?  Was it hollywood movies who made it okay for police to do whatever they need to get their man?  Well this is real life we have laws and due process.  When did we as American’s become so numb to the rights of all people, when did we give our police force the authority to now be judge, juror, and executioner.  This isn’t a black issue.  This is an American issue.  The overreach of our police is increasing in all neighborhoods, especially the poor ones.    Regardless, of how you feel about crimes that someone maybe accused of, or past actions it has never been justification for killing someone.  Too many, people have died and I have heard that well he/she was this or he/she did that.  A police officer’s job is to apprehend wanted individuals or individuals in question. The only time force should be used is in situations that could not be de-escalated and/or the officer of public safety was in peril.  A suspected crime or a crime committed past or present is not and has never been justification for the use of force.  Our Constitution protects Americans against illegal search and seizures so just stopping people because of the way they look is not your job.  We have a judicial system (however flawed) for this reason.  As Bill Belicheck says all the time, Do your job.  Not the judges job, not jury’s job, just your job.  

To people in support of the #blacklivesmovement and any movement in persuit of justice.  I appreciate your activism and support of people who are still being oppresed in 2016.   But we are not without criticism.  Our responsibility in this is to make sure that the people whom are respresenting this movement continue to act with the respect, dignitiy, and honor of our predecessors.   We must continue to denounce any acts of violence that detract and derail the message.  We must continue to compete against all the media outlets who have no interest in the truth but only interest in keeping the divide alive by spreading lies about the movement to increase viewership and advertising.  We have a responsibility to stand with anyone whom is in support of us, but more importantly ANYONE else who is being oppressed in this country.  This solidarity grows your numbers and your reach which pushes closer to change.  

You’ve done it before.  We are all guilty of it to some extent.  It is a learned experience that we pick up that maintains any power dynamic in this world.  What is it you ask?  It is the marginalization of any sub-group or minority group.  You see it every where you go, the media, in conversation, in politics, and in worldly affairs.  And it is the source of why most minority groups are so angry, and It is justified.  

As a minority, I can speak out of first hand experience that being marginalized is the quickest way to anger someone of the minority party.  It is the main reason why people of the majority use this tactic because it allows them to step back and point to that minority group and say that look they are just angry and irrational.  Marginalization is not an accident, it is very intentional.  It is ingrained in the very fabric of this country.  It is racism, it is sexism, it is ageism, and it is any ism.  It is the method we use to maintain an imbalance of power.   

So as we are a country in the midst of high racial, and sexist tensions the marginalizing of these minority groups is also at high levels.  As an African-American male the racial tension speaks to me.  I have had friends marginalize my and other African-American struggles.  Not because they mean ill, but because they are taught to without even realizing it.  We are in an area where African-Americans are suspects before we are people.  We are being gunned down in the streets by the people entrusted to protect them.  And White people will consistently point to irrelevant things to justify ungodly actions. “Well you should just obey the officers”, or you shouldn’t be dressed a certain way, or Blacks shot each other and their isn’t any outrage”.  This comes from people who aren’t policed like many of these African-American communities, they haven’t been treated or assumed to be a suspect just because of their dress, It comes from a people who don’t have the history in this country like African-Americans, It comes from people who have never been asked to assimilate in this country a day in their lives, and it comes from people who aren’t expected to push aside their culture and embraced that forced culture of the “majority”.   So when you marginalize the experience of African-Americans and tell them they are overacting when we watch a man get choked to death by a police officer, we are overacting when we see another unarmed man/woman shot or killed while in police custody, when African-American unemployment is still really high, and when the education system is failing many our African-American youth you are doing nothing but preserving the White supremacist power structure that is the foundation of this country.  When you do it even though all the facts point you in the other direction it becomes infuriating.  Educator and Activist Jane Elliot asked a simple question, “I ask every white person in this room if they would be happy to be treated the way we treat our black citizens in this country to stand if you would want it for yourself”.  No one stood up (here is the link https://youtu.be/xUlqTNwm-mk).  What she said next was 100% true “you know there is a problem, know you wouldn’t want it for yourself, and chose to ignore it”.  And this is another reason for marginalizing of the people.  You don’t have to deal with the reality and your place in that reality.  

I’m guilty of it too.  Even as a minority, I recognize that I am a male and that does come with some power.  My self awareness helps me try to avoid marginalizing women, but again it is a ingrained in the fabric of this world so it takes time and effort to unlearn it and I’m a work in progress.  Let me start by saying, I am not a woman.  I don’t know what it is like to be a woman, so I don’t know all the women’s issue but one I can point to is that women still make about 80 cents on the dollar.   Now people marginalize this by pointing to women who are CEO’s or CFO’s, and say look they are making more than men.  Or say that women don’t ask for salaries as much as men.  This is all Bull Shit.   And My question to men is if the women in your life came to you and said, they are making less money to their male counterparts, or being passed up for promotions because they are women.  Would you dismiss it so easily.  The answer is no.  So why do we feel it is okay when women as a whole are complaining about something that has been proven to be a real issue.  It’s because as a whole we as men want to maintain that power structure of this society built on Patriarchy.  

As Valentines day wines down,  as every man with a significant other scrambled to find the perfect gift to make her happy. I realized we as men did this all in the hopes to be rewarded later.  And it is the rare nights for some where shall we saying being a little naughty is accepted.  This reminds me of a conversation I had not too long ago about women and the bedroom.  My hypothesis is that the majority of women want to be treated like a whore....in the bedroom.  And after some careful thinking Valentines Day and it’s concept all but validates my theory.  

You see my theory is that women want to be that nasty female that males grow up watching in their favorite movies.  And Valentines day is that special day that they go out get some lingerie and reward their man for showing his appreciation for her.  Now my friend disagreed with my theory.  And I understand, where he is coming from, but I think I have a lot of empirical evidence to support my theory.  And If you can get a woman to be open and honest I think you will be surprised at what you find out.   Now everyone has different levels of nasty, but I believe that almost every women wants to explore and expand her level of nasty with a deserving man.  

Now the keyword is deserving man.  So just like Valentines day, she wants you to make her feel special.  Make her feel like a lady, and I have found that if you can do that consistently many women will be that lady in the streets, and be as nasty as a lady of the night in the bedroom.  But the two things that I think both men and women forget when the relationship starts to get long in the tooth is that it’s shouldn’t be an special occasion thing.  You see fellas, Valentines day shouldn’t be the only day you show real appreciation for that special lady.  And Ladies if Valentines day and his birthday are the only times you “treat him special” your apart of the problem as well.  

Now ladies with all this being said.  I do have a question that I would love to get some clarity on.  If my theory is correct, and let’s be honest it is, I mean how often am I ever wrong lol.  I have heard many women say about their fantasy’s or their kink, that they would/want to do x, but they wouldn’t do it with their man/significant other.  To a man that is as practical as I this makes absolutely no sense to me.  It says to me that you are willing to open yourself up, to someone who hasn’t put in the time and do things to/with him, but the man who deserves it, and more than likely wants it can’t get that kind of treatment.  This is insane to me, and says part of you values hapless nights more than security and commitment.  

Now I heard the excuse of well, I don’t want to be judged and looked at differently by my man.  And part of me get’s that.... if we were 17 or in 1925.  Yes, there are immature men out there that would think of you different, and start to treat you different because they can’t picture their women doing such things, and if that is your man take my advice run quickly.  1.  Why would you want to be with a man that would judge your for trying to make him happy?  2.  99.9999% of men want that stuff from the movies (to his level of nasty).  He is not going to stop wanting it, so if he doesn’t allow you to give it to him, believe me he is getting it elsewhere.  So save yourself the heartache.