JustTryingToHideHere

Fuck my exes, fuck my exes that never really were, and fuck all the people who took a pass on me. I’m going to be somebody. I’m going to spread my influence and make the world a better place. I’m going to be a supportive husband, loving husband and a dedicated, patient father. You done fucked up.

I’m angry and that’s bullshit

I wonder what it feels like to die.

What I’m shattering is the illusion that she’s dissatisfied with being single. It’s not even about what I ‘must accept.’ It’s about defining reality so that I can navigate it as such. I see uncertainty in her eyes for a moment and begin to wonder if it’s finally starting to slow down, if she’s getting to a place where the revolving cast of men in her life begins to perpetuate and deepen loneliness rather than abate it. Stop wondering. Stop noticing emotions in her eyes. She’s done with you. You made her feel loved and valued for a little while and now it’s over. She doesn’t want you. You have no use to her anymore. You can’t make her feel special or loved because you broke that illusion as well. And if you’re not gifting her a world where she’s a goddess and you her prince, then what more do you have to offer her? What can I make her feel that no one else can? Just deep hurt and deeper regret.

Hey! Remember all those really cool things we did and saw together? Yeah, me too. What are we without them? Happy, I guess.

I’m still so sad that you don’t want me any more. Why? I mean, I know why, but, whyyy? I was ready to die for you. I was ready to die having only loved you. I thought you were the answer to all these stupid questions that incessantly assert themselves in my ear. What’s the point? Why should I keep pushing on? Who could ever understand what’s going on inside of me? Idk. I’m writing things that don’t matter because we don’t matter antmore. You don’t care that I’m still writing about you. I don’t care anymore either. Take it all, my love heart and life, without you I’m just... idk

There’s a person I love more than anything I’ve ever come across, a person I’m crushing on and lusting for as thirstily as my body can manage, and many others that I just want. What is this greed? Can it be stopped? Will I be able to survive without a single one?

I hate crushing on someone and not knowing if they like you back. I’m constantly vascillating between 80% certain she does like me and 80% certain she doesn’t like me, and it can hit both ends of that spectrum in a span of 45 minutes. It’s literal fucking madness.

I created a word for her. As a writer, a poet, I don’t think there’s anything more powerful or revealing as that.

I just want to be over us

I hate that I care about you more than you care about me. Maybe it’s this imbalance that breaks a heart, two pieces not evenly weighing against one another, simply destined to rend. Alas. I miss you and I love you. Still.

God damn I still just so viscerally hate that you’re gone. Every time I think of something that reminds me that I’ll never be yours again, it’s just gut-wrenching pain over and over again. It all fucking sucks. The reason things went, how things fell apart, what happened after they fell apart when we were still deciding if there were pieces left to be picked up, and now, now I have nothing, no part of you, not even your ear when I need it. I’m alone again with one less road to happiness. Here’s to hoping I find another.

You were someone I thought would always be there for me. In a world full of unfamiliar souls, people who just can’t understand me, I thought I found someone who knows who I am. Someone who sees my lightness and my darkness, and accepted both while trying to feed one and help me defeat the other. Now I’m trapped in darkness and I just want to reach out to you because you could always find me before. But you’ve asked me not to. No more reaching for or relying on you. Just darkness. So bleak.

Today is one of those days I just can’t turn off the pain of losing you. I’d rather take a bullet to the chest.

I was going to marry the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen and now she doesn’t think we should even talk to one another. And people expect me to just accept that, move on and be okay. Like fuck.

I’m so stupid for believing you when you said you’d always be there. Unconditionality is a myth.

I wish I could go on tirades against you like you did me. Just let every drop of venom leak from my hurt without regard to how it would make you feel. But I don’t have it in me. I just can’t forget that time you told me that someone yelling at you made you automatically cut them out of your life forever, easily. Maybe that would be better than the slow fade.