Just Some Thoughts

I keep thinking that I’m forgetting how she sounds like. But my heart aches every time I remember the way she used to call me. I don’t ever what to forget that.

I wonder if she thinks about me. If she ever thinks about reaching out. Even if she does, she probably thinks that things are better like this.

No contact.

During my run yesterday, I’m not sure what happened but it felt like reality hit me and happy life is not real. I got tears in my eyes from thinking that all the good that I have been feeling was not real and nothing mattered. It was like doing down the rollercoaster after you went up. Very weird feeling, do not recommend. Usually my runs are my safe place where I can just not think about anything, there are no distractions, it’s just me and my body against the run plan.

Yesterday’s run was brutal, I got some flashbacks about my first semester here and how lost I was in the city. I didn’t know any locations and I always had to use google maps. Then I remembered when I used to go to her place alone, I had these reference points so I would try to memorise the right way without having to google it. Then I started thinking that I used to have memories of her in every street of this city, and now those memories are filled with memories alone. Her name is still the first thing that comes to mind when I see a nice place that we went, or when I see a Border Collie (or any dog tbh), or when I see a cute baby or a cute granny.

As much as I should detach myself from these thoughts, there’s always a part of me that makes me go back. It’s like a magnet.

It’s crazy to think that now I live in a place she doesn’t know and I sleep in a room she never slept in, I cook things that she never tried (and I know she would love).

I grew up and evolved, and the past me that loved her is still inside me, screaming for me to do something about it. And the best I can do is to write. Write here all my thoughts, the good and the bad.