There’s No Place Like Home

I keep thinking and feeling like it’s gonna turn a corner and things that will improve and I still have that hope. But several years have gone by and I’m still sort of stuck here alone on an island. I’ve always been soft. I’ve always been shy. I’ve always been more sensitive than most people which has unfortunately led me to have relationships with people and interactions with people that abuse, my niceness my softness. So now I just isolate to protect myself only letting myself show a little bits in pieces to others think that I trust.

I’m hoping and praying for answers for clarity and for guidance spiritually or otherwise and though my spirit has dimmed and my hope is flickering. I’m hanging on the best that I can.

Right now I have nothing, no friends, no lover, no life, I’m not close with my family anymore. I don’t even know who I am, what I believe in, what I’m passionate about. I’m on this mental island alone yet surrounded by strangers.

I’ve stayed at my job and stayed here in the city as a means for survival, yet my spirit craves something else. New adventures and new experiences. But my brain tells me I can’t afford it. It all sounds rather silly typing it out. But it is the weird state I’m in that I can’t seem to snap out of.

It seems so simple to do things differently, but without motivation it still feels just out of reach. How do I find that spark again? That excitement and hope I had in 2005? Life isn’t a movie, but I still need something to hope for…I don’t wanna lose myself to this dull existence. This has to be temporary… I just want to look in the mirror and see myself again. Not the current stranger looking back at me.

I think after things not working out in Florida, losing the dream of becoming a flight attendant, losing my Grandma last year… things have felt different. Feeling like this is going on multiple years now which is sad bc I know our time here is short.

Sometimes it feels like having Benny as a pet is an obstacle. I could’ve gone to flight attendant training and had a totally different life. But he’s all I have left of my Grandma. She kept saying how happy she was he is with me, and that he was raised on her love. I was hoping my family would help me with him but they completely shrugged me off and ignored me and was told to find him a home. I just can’t do that. And as much as I try to be above it and let it go, I still haven’t forgiven them in my heart. Maybe bc of my situation and the hopes I placed on it as answer to everything, it still stings and I can’t seem to move past it with them.

I wish I could go back in time to 2005. Start all over… or even just live there for day to remember what it felt like. To see the world from that view again. I think the best thing I can think of is to get out of this city, this state, and start over somewhere fresh and new. Maybe there’s still another adventure around the corner…

#journaling #lifeproblems #almost40