Justin Smitherman

Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering, and that is a fact.

The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them we’re not a robot just so we can log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. “May I see my stuff please?” “Ahhh, I smell a robot! Prove, prove, prove! Prove to me you’re not a robot! Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look mortal, if ye be. You look and you type what you think you see! Is it an E or is it a 3? That’s up to ye. The passwords that passed, you correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” Fuckin’ what?!

Makeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh … well, until you killed them all, I suppose.

I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future.

There is no quiet anymore, there is only Doc McStuffins.

My dog is an East German Shepherd.

I was driving in Manhattan. There's traffic, nobody's moving... The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I'm gonna argue with this guy, but I'm gonna argue about something else. I'm not having his argument; I'm having mine. So, he's like, 'Go!' And I go, 'Well give me back my jacket!' And he stopped. I was like, 'Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You're stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back, now!' He got back in his car, and he locked his doors.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

You know why men make more money than women? Because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay - that's why I get the dollar more an hour.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, "If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.

When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.

Some people have a way with words, and other people... oh, uh, not have way.

Whenever you get on the plane, the flight attendant will always tell you the name of your pilot. Like anyone goes, 'Oh, he's good.'

When you’re having sex with somebody, you can say “yes”, you can say “yeah”, you can say “uh-huh.” But for some reason you can’t say “yep”. Yep, oh, yep, baby. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep indeed!

It was seventh grade, and I wanted to get Pumas and Nikes for P.E., like all the other kids. And my mom's boyfriend takes me to K-Mart, you know, to get the cheap-ass shoes that they have there. He's like, 'Hey, they look like Adidas.' And I'm like, 'There's an extra stripe, you dick.'