justice anne

You know what it did for me? It took away a lot of the fear I had about raising children one day and how daunting it felt to think of walking alongside them as a loving, safe, and approachable parent who can normalize, educate, and celebrate their sexuality as that part of their identity develops.

That may sound strange that I think of my future kids, especially in regard to such a specific topic, but how we understand and interact with the topic of sexuality will reflect heavily in the way we pass it down to our children. Either we will be their first and most impressionable reference point for how they conceptualize sex and sexuality, or our avoidance and discomfort with it will leave it up to the world to imprint its message onto them. The choice to develop your own theology of sex has implications, and it will have the most ripple effects in the life of your children if you become a parent one day. So that’s where the daunting pressure comes from for me.

But, like I said, I turned in my paper. And after finishing it, I have so much more confidence–excitement, even, that if we are parents one day, we are going to actively and intentionally instill the meaning and value of sexual wholeness. Granted, we will seek to humbly and faithfully provide a framework and foundation for sexual wholeness, and they will decide what to do with it.

Here are a few main points of my theology of sex: 

Our sexuality is the energy inside of us that works incessantly against our being alone. It is the messenger that speaks of humanity’s innate need for intimacy. My use of the term sexuality does not revolve around sex–I see them as related, but distinct. What I mean is that apart from sex, each person still possesses their own sexuality. So, while sex is an action, I use the term sexuality as a wide-brushstroke term to refer to the force driving our personhood to seek out and create connection. This distinction is crucial to my theology.

Here is my definition of sexuality: the desire to receive and the capacity to give love. Further, it is desire to know and be known. Sexuality lies at the core of our spiritual being, as it is the willingness to move closer to one another. 

Our desire for sex is a response to our knowing, at the deepest level, that we have been cut off—separated in our sin, disconnected from the model in which we were created to live and move and have our being. Our sexuality bears witness to our original design to be connected without shame, without fear, without condition, without striving.

Sexuality is sacrificial when it is used for relational nourishment. This is the distinction between gratification and edification. When your sexuality is self focused, it will fester idolatry. When your sexuality is other focused, it will foster community.

Virginity won’t make you pure, and sex won’t make you whole. Christ alone is our purity, and our salvation is what redeems our brokenness until it is restored in eternity (more on this at the end).

Fleeing from sexual immorality does not mean to flee from your sexuality. Sexuality is a part of you, given by God, and intended to reflect His nature. It reflects the design of creation prior to the fall–complete connectedness, without reserve, without barriers, without shame, and without the fear of abandonment, exploitation, abuse, or betrayal.

The goal of sex is oneness, not orgasm. Arousal is the drive for connection, not orgasm. You can choose orgasm over connection, but this is only an external relief to an internal need. Orgasm is the result, but it is not the purpose. If you can remember this, it will change the game of your sex life. Prioritize orgasm, and you will miss oneness. Prioritize oneness, and you will likely get to have both.

Oxytocin levels increase 500-600x in partnered orgasm. This does not happen during masturbation. This is more than a religious imposition of morality–this is biology. Brain chemistry shows us that you were made for more than orgasm. You were made for intimacy. 

This one was my biggest epiphany–there will be no sex in Heaven, and if you’re disappointed by this, as I was, it is because we don’t understand what sex is, and we have confused sexuality to mean sexual activity. There will not be sex in Heaven–not because it is bad, or a “necessary evil,” or even that it is without eternal purpose, but the exact opposite, actually. Sex isn’t evil, but it will no longer be necessary. You seek sex to satisfy needs (connection, intimacy, relief, love.) Eternity does not strip you of these needs, but fully satisfies them. We will not be asexual in Heaven, but sexual and satisfied. On earth, we are sexual and dissatisfied. 

ugh, I love that, I said.

no you don’t, he said. you’re happy right now, so you feel up for it. growth usually happens when you’re not up for it. you love the idea of it, but you’re not going to like it. that’s okay, but it’s important to expect it.

he was right. it’s not romantic, it’s hard. it’s not that warm feeling i like. sometimes it feels a lot more like a limb is about to be pulled out of its socket. you reach a fork in the road, and it’s time to grow again, but God I just rather not today. you made me grow last week. resisting the growth is more painful than the growth.

he was right. it’s not romantic. it’s actually annoying how much growing is going on right now. I am tired of growing.

you know that scene in miss congeniality where she is forced to eat healthy food, so she has hidden junk food under her pageant gown? and her coach makes her give them all up? but there’s more. so he takes those too. no choice. no exceptions. that is how I feel. give me your pride, and now your greed–no, all of it. and jealousy–i’ll be taking that. ok, fine, here. is that enough? no, hand me your resentment. oh! and the comparison. i almost forgot that one–hand it over.

that fork in the road I mentioned with one way being growth–don’t mistake the other road as happiness. like I said, to not walk into the growth is more painful. that’s because resisting it means walking into avoidance, into denial, into defensiveness, into stagnancy, it is anything but happiness.