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@justfortherecordimlost
At some point, we will fight, you’ll hurt me and I’ll hurt you. You’ll think I’m unreasonable and I’ll complain to my friends you're being a jerk. After we get over our stubbornness we’ll make up, we’ll kiss and talk and forgive. That’s life. Love. Commitment.
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To stop taking care of my #1...and to put someone else first was my mistake. I dropped the one person that would be there for me, after everyone else left. That WAS my mistake... but my biggest mistake is still loving you, even after I realized I wasnt even an option.
Forever??
"She was suppose to be my forever...it wasn't suppose to end like this" I say with tears streaming down my face. "Forever is an unreachable goal sis." Sam said with a sad smile on her face. But honestly it didn't feel unreachable with her...it felt like 3 years had only been a few minutes. Now she is lying about hanging out with friends, and drinking. She said she needed time to fix things in her mind. To be single for awhile since she has never been....and I'm left here wondering if it's my fault, or if she is even going to want me after she changes a little more....but I dont believe its that...I believe somewhere along the way I stopped loving myself, I stopped remembering that I dont need someone else for me to be happy. An that reminder, set me free. I am my happiness, my cheerleader, my biggest supporter. And as long as I remind myself that every day. I'll make it no matter what.
Sometimes what makes us the happiest, is what hurts us the most.
Ain't that the truth
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I should've known.
I should have realized it was over when you decided to help someone with their car, instead of going out for our anniversary. I should've known when you couldn't cancel work for me, but you would to go get drunk. Or that time you didn't schedule appointments for a whole day to go hang out with friends....so yeah maybe I should have known, but it doesnt make it any easier.
I think I'm waiting around, for a day that may never come...but as long as she's there, I might be okay.
Why did no one tell me, that love hurts? Like what the fuck? I thought it was common courtesy, to tell someone that love will break their fucking heart; if someone decides to leave them...well okay that's common knowledge, I will apologize for that. But why does no one ever tell you about the other things? Like you have no desire to eat. An you sometimes feel like always sleeping. An the fucking switch from sadness, to anger in a snap of your fingers. Why do people tell you that love hurts, but never anything else? Why dont they tell you, that you'll cry over the smallest thing? Or that your demons come out, and try to rip you too shreds?
God this kills me to read right now, but its sadly true.
"This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."
-Elizabeth Gilbert
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Oh how I wish things were different... I dont wish that I hadn't met you, I just wish I hadn't gotten so attached. Years of wanting a family with you, of wanting to help you grow into the person I know you are. But you did it..you reached your goal, and I couldn't be more proud of you. I just didnt realize the heartbreak that would come afterwards. I didn't realize that in the celebration of you reaching your goal, you'd push me away in the process...I didnt realize I wouldn't be enough for you. But I wish with all my heart you're happy with how things turned out.
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I was lost there for awhile, until I realized I wasn't. I was on my way to where I needed to be, and where I wanted to be as a person. You aren't lost either....you're on your way to bigger and better things. On your way to a better life, a better job, a better future. You're on your way to a place where you are 100% you, and there is nothing better than that. Then being able to look back and see how far you have came.
Are we forgotten once we move out of someone's life? Or do they think about the late nights we use to share? The day's spent floating down the river? What about the first time we met, or something I said? How about that one song we use to sing at the top of our lungs, while driving down a back road? Or maybe they chose to forget us, because of the painful memories...or maybe it's not painful, and they still choose to forget us..
Stories, in a room full of stories.
Sometimes I miss the big cities, well not the city.. but what the city has. I miss finding old bookstores, and cute cafes, I miss those big libraries, you know the ones I'm talking about. The libraries where you walk in, and all you smell is books because it's been used for so long. I miss the people you can find in bookstores...so different in their own way, but one thing in common. I've seen friendships start, in between stacks of books. I've seen love happen in quite corners, when they realize they love the same books. I've seen people break up in a quite bookstore...and a random strangers help them. I've seen alot of good, and alot of bad...but it's kind of fitting. A story begins or ends, in a room full of stories. I just wish the city was quite, like the libraries.
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You ever been in a crowded room, and felt more alone than you would if you were by yourself? That shit sucks. What happened to conversations? Learning about someone else? Common fucking courtesy?
Books give you this feeling...
I've ready thousands of books, all different genres. All of them different in some way, yet oddly all the same. It's not the words, because no author writes the same. It's that feeling you get when you read them. You start to believe anything can happen, you crave it. The butterflies, from the sweet words in a romantic novel. The danger that's around the corner, in a thriller. The heartache, the love, the hate, the sweet sadness, the possibilities. That's why people read books, it puts them in a world where anything is possible. Because sometimes....we just have to escape.
