disappear with me

This year mom passed away and it was probably my biggest nightmare come true. But it was also my biggest fear I felt coming too. It was not unexpected, having thought about her death since I was a little boy. In fact, I told someone close to me that I felt it coming a few months prior. No evidence of it at all, just felt it. I miss her so much. Sometimes when I tell someone else about how much I love and loved her I feel silly because it’s like, of course I loved my mom. Of course she was my bestfriend. Of course she was the best person, the strongest person I know. But the thing is, that way of thinking is so silly. It’s a consequence of always thinking about what other people think of you. I won’t let that deter me from expressing my human experience of having a mother. While it’s something we all share, and while some moms are good or bad or great or gone, our individual experience of a human doesn’t have to be lessened by comparing loss and love to others. Not only was she my mom, she was a human. She was a woman. She was alive and she was fighting for happiness and love and health every day of her life. Words cannot express how much I miss her. Sometimes I remember she’s gone and I just think to myself … let’s not think about that right now. Because it’s a storm that does not end. The loss I feel will never end. Period. And that’s okay. I am okay. But that’s just it - we keep going and we keep moving. We remember and we cry and we laugh and we try to keep it going. I don’t know what I’m going to do without her. I really don’t. But I didn’t know what I was doing before either so I have faith in myself no matter what happens. I miss you Michelle more than I ever thought was possible for missing someone. Broken hearts from boys? Dreams lost? Physical pain? None of that compare to the longing I have for you. I don’t want to call it pain.

I’m not really sure what I believe in. I don’t know if I’ve ever been, I want to believe in life after death but a part of me really doesn’t believe in that. But just because I don’t “believe” in something does not mean I “disbelieve” it either. I guess that’s what hope is. But I hope parts of her are sprinkled around my life until I die. I hope her smile and laugh remains in my brain until I am brain dead. I will never ever be the same after this but I will continue to laugh and live for my mom and the family she’s left behind. One thing that really brings me comfort is knowing that my mother, despite all of the horrible pain she had endured in her life, never experienced the death of anyone in her family. Only her grandparents passed away, everyone else is still here. She never experienced this longing I have for her, and for that I am truly grateful. She’s free, she’s at peace, and she’s where we all go, where ever that is. She passed right next to me, in the middle of my living room, watching her favorite movie with my sisters and my dad. I will never, ever, forget that moment. Despite how much it hurt, it was beautiful.

Blondie