The Savage and the Sanctuary, Ch. 22: High Speed
You and Joel have found a tenuous balance in your relationship - but how long can it last? A continuation of The Savage and the Sanctuary, a no outbreak TLOU story, from the prologue through chapter 21 found on Tumblr here.
Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader
CW: SMUT!!!! Car accident, Jimmy Fallon jump scare. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI, 18+ only.
Length: 13k
Fic Masterlist | Masterlist | AO3 | Prologue | Previous Chapter
Six Months Later
“Big Miller!”
Ellie somehow spotted him before he saw her and he smiled a little as he leaned against his truck. She must have been watching for him, which meant she knew he was coming back from his week off today and he something in him damn near glowed at the idea that she looked forward to seeing him. Lord knows he looked forward to seeing her.
He waited for her to make her way down the crowded front steps of the school before calling back to her, not wanting to embarrass her in front of her classmates, and she skidded to a stop in front of him, a girl he vaguely recognized close behind her.
“Hey kiddo,” he smiled at her. “Have a good day? Keep your hands to yourself?”
“I punched exactly zero people,” she replied.
“That’s the right amount.”
“Says you,” she rolled her eyes. “Anyway, Big Miller, I tried to text Sissy earlier but she didn’t answer so I figured I’d just ask you…”
“Did you text Esmo?” he asked, brows raised.
“Well, see, I didn’t want to bother her since you were gonna be here because she’s so busy, you know?”
“Uh huh,” he said. “And this has nothin’ to do with the fact that you think she’ll tell you no.”
“Nothing at all,” she said, looking over her shoulder to the girl who had followed her over. Ellie took the girl’s wrist and pulled her alongside her and she smiled at Joel. “This is Dina, can she come over?”
“I’m like the least annoying kid in my class,” Dina said.
“She is,” Ellie agreed. “And we will do homework.”
“Absolutely we will,” Dina nodded.
For half a moment, Joel remembered Sarah coming to him the same way with the same question, the same hopeful look on her face. He remembered how much he wanted to say yes to whatever she asked because her smile was the best thing he’d ever seen. It took him a moment to realize the pain that usually accompanied these memories never arrived.
That was something he hadn’t expected about letting himself care for Ellie and for you. So often, in so many ways, he’d avoided thinking of Sarah. He’d become practiced at dodging her, something he’d had to train himself to do. She had been the center of his entire universe, he thought of her all the time, every day. When he was working, what she would think of a layout or paint color was always on his mind. When he went to the store, what she would like or what she needed was there. When driving, when going to bed, when making dinner, when putting gas in the truck, when breathing or thinking or sleeping, she was in everything. When she died, he pushed her away. He didn’t want to drown in the pain of her loss, not all the time. He couldn’t live with it so he couldn’t live with thinking about her. He saved her for times that he could slip into his grief and wish he wouldn’t come back out and when she sprang to mind against his will - in times like this one - he had to try to hold that pain back until he had the time to deal with it.
Now, though, it didn’t take over. There was still a sense of loss, of course. The idea that there was something missing that should have been there with him but it wasn’t overwhelming. It didn’t even overpower the warmth of the thought of her, of the look on her face when she asked for her friend to come over and the smile that spread over her when he told her yes.
He liked it, that he could remember her in small moments like this, like she was still with him in some way and not just something that haunted him.
“Well, since your aunt spoils you stupid, should be fine,” he said after pretending to consider for a minute, looking to Dina. “Your parents good with it?”
“It’s my sister,” she said. “And she’s cool. I think she likes any time I can get out of the house, actually.”
“Alright,” he said, jerking his head toward the truck. “Let’s go, girls.”
They made those excited, squealing sounds teenaged girls did when they got their way and clambered into the truck, already talking a mile a minute and completely ignoring Joel’s presence.
Which he was fine with.
This was probably a blessing, now that he thought about it. Ellie’s friend would keep her busy and distracted and that would, hopefully, make it so you and him could manage to spend some time together.
Joel had come to hate his weeks off in the last few months. He’d never been huge on them to begin with - he needed to keep busy or his mind wandered to places he didn’t like - but now they felt like torture.
No one knew the two of you were together, including Ellie, and with all the security at your place it’s not like he could just come over on his days off and expect no one to notice. You couldn’t ask his coworker to bring you to his house, either, not without his brother finding out.
He always offered to extend the time between days off, telling Tommy he was just trying to be flexible and make sure he was pulling his weight for the company but his brother only let him dodge it so long and then Joel just spent an entire week staring at his phone more than anything else, waiting for you to text.
There was always some part of him that was bracing for the texts to stop. He still wasn’t entirely sure what you saw in him or why you thought he’d be worth the trouble when you could have damn near any man on the planet and he wouldn’t blame you if you woke up to that fact one day. But you hadn’t yet. He usually had a text waiting for him by the time he got home from your place after passing your protection off to Seth, almost always something along the lines of I already miss you.
The one upside to the forced distance was the fact that it kept him from falling too far into you. On the nights he was with you, he’d slip into your room when he was sure Ellie was asleep, the two of you whispering like teenagers as he memorized how your body fit against his and trailed his fingers along your hairline, over the arch of your cheek, down your chin, your throat, your arm, your chest. It was so hard to not kiss you when you were close and he could. It didn’t take long before he was inside you, your fingers scrabbling over his back and his tongue in your mouth as he fucked you deep and hard because it never felt like he could get enough of you.
It was easier to fight the temptation when you weren’t right there beside him, pretend that he was far enough away from you to not lose himself to you completely. But you’d send him pictures of things you found beautiful or interesting and he couldn’t help but take note of what you thought was important. He liked when you’d send a selfie of you and Ellie together or one where you were making a silly face, where you weren’t wearing makeup or clothes that had been selected for you. It was an honest look at you, a look he didn’t think most people were lucky enough to see that he didn’t think he deserved.
There was an almost odd mundanity to it all that made it hard to keep his distance. You asked to see a picture of his kitchen one morning because you wanted to see where he drank his coffee so he sent you one and you asked about his kitchen remodel and he told you because he couldn’t resist giving you what you wanted. You’d tell him about something funny Ellie said or about a frustration you had about work like one of you was away on a business trip, like you weren’t the most famous woman on earth and he wasn’t someone who wasn’t allowed near you, not like this.
But, by the end of his week off, he felt like he was ready to climb out of his skin. He could only resist you for so long. He needed to see you, touch you, just sense you close to him again. It was always a struggle, not running to you and grabbing you and holding you the second he saw you. He had to hold it in, keep it professional, until you found a private moment or Esmo was home for the night and Ellie was in bed. The second you could, you threw your arms around his neck and pressed your whole self against him like you were trying to sink into his skin and he clutched onto you, something in him easing when he could feel you breathing and your heart beating.
He worried about getting caught, especially by Ellie and especially on the first night he got back. Other nights, the two of you could keep your distance until it was late enough that it felt really safe but that first night always pushed it. He couldn’t resist and neither could you, the moment you heard her door latch you were in his arms.
Ellie being occupied was only a good thing.
You weren’t home when he got there but he was expecting that. Things were gearing up for the Savage Starlight press tour and you were starting with a media day for the Texas outlets. Quinn said she hoped it was going to buy you some additional good will with the locals, the exclusive and early access to you when everyone else didn’t start getting your attention until the next week. You’d said you’d likely be out until the evening but that didn’t stop him from being disappointed when you weren’t there, especially since he hadn’t heard from you in hours.
He said hi to Esmo and found a way to keep himself occupied, Ellie having no interest in him at all now that she had her friend to distract her. He got settled into his room and then sat on the couch, scrolling through his phone and waiting to hear that you were coming home, feeling something like a dog waiting for their owner.
Even so, it was something of a surprise when the front door opened and you came in, laughing with Seth.
Joel stood up before he could stop himself but he managed to keep from moving to touch you. You smiled when you saw him, holding it back but it was still there.
“Well if it isn’t Big Miller,” you said, quirking a brow at him. “Still haven’t scared you off I see.”
“Siren,” he gave you a nod, resisting the urge to smile at the sight of you. You were all made up, in clothes your stylist had probably selected for you and you were beautiful but you weren’t quite you. “Still causing problems, I’m guessin’.”
“She’s not so bad,” Seth said, a teasing edge to his words. “Didn’t even cause an uproar with reporters today.”
He called HQ to transfer custody of you to Joel and Joel took it as an excuse to come stand next to you, just your proximity making him lose tension in him he hadn’t even realized he was carrying.
“How was your week?” You asked, raising your brows, a spark in your eyes. “Do anything… fun?”
“Few things,” he said, trying to pretend like you didn’t have a glint in your eye. “You?”
“Pretty quiet,” you said, nodding slowly. “Went to bed early once or twice.”
You gave him a look and he tried not to think about the phone sex from those early nights.
“Didn’t know you knew how to do that.”
“Well,” you shrugged. “With the proper motivation…”
“Hey Sissy!” Ellie called before Joel had a chance to respond, her friend following behind, eyes going wide at the sight of you. “You’re home! Did you check your phone?”
“Nope,” you said. “Dead as a doornail. I need to remember to put the charging cable back in the car. What’s up?”
“This is my friend Dina,” Ellie pulled her forward, the other girl’s eyes still wide, mouth agape. “It’s cool if she hangs out for a while, right?”
“Of course,” you said. “Dina, it’s nice to meet you, I’m…”
“I know who you are,” she said, the words spilling out of her. “You were so cool in Fast Track, did you actually do your own driving? I think I read once that…”
“I did,” you laughed. “Well, most of it. There were some sequences where I had to wrestle with the passenger a little, I had a stunt driver for that.”
“That’s so cool,” she said, awed, and you laughed.
“OK, this is weird,” Ellie said, nose scrunched. “Come on, there’s this one video…”
The girls went back toward Ellie’s room and you smiled after them.
“Have fun!” You said before something seemed to occur to you. “Oh, and do your homework!”
You waited for the sound of the door closing before you looked to Joel and Seth.
“That was the Mom thing to say, right?” You said. “The homework thing?”
“It’s what my mom would have said,” Seth shrugged. You smiled. “On that note, try not to put Big Miller through his paces too much. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”
Joel watched Seth leave and took a moment to look around your entry way, making sure there was no one else around.
“Thank God,” he said, grabbing you and kissing you long and deep. You smiled against his mouth, your lipstick sticky on his skin but he didn’t care. You tasted sweet and he could smell your skin below your shampoo and perfume and he wanted to take you to bed and strip away all these things you wore to become some gilded version of yourself for the world. After a moment, he pulled back from you but kept your body close, cupping your cheek and looking in your eyes. “Just needed to do that for a minute.”
“I need to do a lot more than that,” you said, biting your lower lip. “But I think I can behave myself for a few hours.”
“Not sure you’ve ever behaved yourself in your life,” Joel said, giving you a short, soft kiss before separating from you.
“I missed you,” you said. “I think we can get away with watching a movie tonight. Especially since my house is full of teenagers?”
“Got ambushed at school pickup,” Joel said. “She said she texted you about it, though. Why’s your phone dead?”
“Because I gave Ellie the phone cable from the car the other day when she forgot hers at school,” you sighed. “And this was far from the usual media scrum, I didn’t have time to go find one and there was no one to ask to go get one. I’m spoiled by LA and New York, there are assistants every five feet there.”
“Gotta get you another phone cable, baby,” he said. “Not havin’ a working phone on you is dangerous, what if something happened?”
You scoffed.
“Yes, what would I do without my phone? Surely not rely on my big strong bodyguard should something go wrong.”
“And if we get separated?” He asked, brows raised. His heart stuttered at just the fleeting thought of it. “If someone manages to get to you again? Or if somethin’ happens to me and you need to get ahold of someone else to help?”
“Oh Joel,” you leaned into him, draping your arms around his neck and pressing your body into his so he could feel every line of you. Without meaning to, he trailed his fingers over you, elbows to shoulders and back again. Your fingers found their way to his hair, toying with it lightly. “My big, sweet, paranoid man.”
“That is why they pay me,” he said and you rolled your eyes. “But I mean it. After what happened in LA…”
Your house there had been broken into a few weeks earlier, security far more lax when you weren’t around. The cleaning company had discovered the mess when they went by to do the regular maintenance work they did when you weren’t living there. Your stalker had picked the lock on your back door and disabled your security system - somehow knowing the code, a thought that unsettled Joel more than anything else so far had - before leaving printed pictures of you scattered through your living room alongside dead roses. Joel wasn’t sure if it was worse if they’d been dead when they were left or if he’d brought you live ones and left them to rot.
“This guy clearly isn’t a very good stalker if he doesn’t know what state I’m in half the time,” you said, giving his hair a little tug before brushing your lips against his cheek and stepping back from him. “We’ve been in this more than a year now, he’s never gotten close to me, not once. The studio is going to call it eventually and everything can go back to normal and in 20 years we can laugh about how silly this all was. Now, I need to get the fuck out of these pants before I cut them off and Frank skins me alive.”
He watched you go, taking a moment to appreciate the look of your legs in those pants - leather so form fitting they seemed painted on - before settling in to wish time would move faster so he could touch you again.
In the months he’d been in this with you, he still wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it all. Everything with you felt so tenuous but so horrifically earth-shaking. He knew it could all change in an instant because there was nothing permanent tying the two of you together - no shared universe or future plans or even whispered dreams in the night - but he knew that losing you would shatter him in some way. It’s why he tried so hard to keep some kind of distance from you, like he had any control over this at all.
He’d survive it if it was for the best. If you found someone who was your equal, who could live in your shimmering reality alongside you and he could trust to take care of you then he would get through it. He doubted the absence of you would ever fully fade but he’d know that it was a good thing, for you and Ellie both.
If it was for any other reason, if he let something happen to you…
His temple itched.
What was he supposed to do with any of this? This desperation to be next to you and take care of you and protect you, to make plans with you and think about the future with you, to sink fully into these feelings that had been threatening to pull him under since the day he met you? Was he supposed to pretend like there was some unspoken tomorrow there for the two of you? That he’d find some way to fit into your life when he wasn’t supposed to be in it anymore? That it’d be good for you if he did?
How was he supposed to just live with any of that?
He tried not to dwell on it. You came out of your room pretty quickly - hair still done and makeup still mostly on but changed into the linens you liked to wear so much - with a script in your hands. You flopped on the opposite end of the couch from Joel and gave him a little wink before propping the pages on your thighs and reading, eyebrows drawn together in concentration as you made notes and highlighted things. He watched you from over his phone, his emails forgotten as he took you in in your more relaxed form. He tried to focus on how lucky he was that he got this at all. Even if this was just some fleeting thing for you, he should just appreciate it while it lasted.
The girls came out of Ellie’s room not long before dinner, with some harebrained scheme to include you in some TikTok dance video they were making. You were all to happy to oblige, jumping at the chance to give Ellie something she wanted and Joel just watched from his vantage point on the couch as you went where they told you to go and moved how they told you to move, even putting on the sunglasses the girls demanded you wear, giving Joel an almost giddy smile as you perched them on your head in just the right way so that they’d fall into place when you nodded your head.
He wondered what it would be like to see you do things like this with his nephew or with a little girl who looked like you and him together.
When Ellie and Dina were happy with the choreography and were trying to figure out how to set up Dina’s phone to record, Joel just sighed and hefted himself off the low couch.
“C’mere,” he said, holding his hand out for the phone. “I’ll be your… what’re they called? Siren, you know. The assholes that decide all the camera stuff.”
“Cinematographer,” you said, barely containing a grin as Ellie gaped at Joel, surprised at his sudden willingness to participate in anything like this at all.
“Cinematographer,” he repeated.
“He’ll do a good job,” you said, watching him. “He recorded that one video of me and Tanya, he’s basically a pro.”
Dina handed him the phone and Ellie showed him what to do and he followed the directions exactly, holding the damn thing steady as he watched you dance with the girls, sliding in your socks on the marble floors, the three of you dissolving into excited giggles and cheers when the dance ended.
“Here, lemme see!” Ellie ran over and grabbed the phone from Joel and he just stood back, watching you watch the girls as they damn near glowed over the video.
“Before you post that, are your parents OK with you getting attention from a social media video?” You asked as Dina wrote out a caption. “Can I talk to them?”
“It’s my sister,” Dina said and you frowned but Ellie filled in the gaps.
“She’s in the dead parent club, too,” Ellie said. “It’s why we’re friends.”
“Yup,” Dina said, not looking up from her phone. “The club membership fee freaking sucks but the people are cool.”
You snorted.
“Sister then. Can you call her? I just want to make sure she’s good with this first.”
“Oh, shit, can it be on FaceTime?” she asked, actually looking at you this time. “She’ll freak out when she sees you.”
You laughed and obliged and Joel had to admit it was fun to watch you humor Ellie and her friend, even more when you were talking to Dina’s sister, some odd combination of celebrity meet and greet and parental permission chat. You got the OK for Dina to post the video and she did just before you all sat down for dinner, the girls getting a kick out of watching the view and comments rack up.
The girls hung out a while longer, back in Ellie’s room and you went back to your script, glancing over the pages toward Joel every few minutes.
“What are you doin’ over there, anyway?” He asked eventually, his hand resting on your foot, thumb tracing the arch.
“Marking my lines and starting to get a feel for them,” you said, turning the stack of pages to face him. Some of the lines were highlighted, little notes in your soft handwriting in the margins. “See?”
He nodded like he really got that at all.
“Can I help?” He asked. You looked at him, surprised, and he shrugged. “Just… Seen what you do on set and with the press. Curious about the other parts, too.”
You smiled conspiratorially and his heart swelled at that small sign that he could do something that made you happy.
“OK,” you said, collecting your things and moving to the middle of the couch. He met you there, close enough to you that his leg brushed yours. You flipped back in the script and held it between you. He took it, holding it where you both could read it, and you smiled again before pointing to the top of the page. “So we’re at about the midpoint of the movie…”
You had him read the other parts and you read yours, often having him double back and do it again so you could try it in a different way, sometimes taking the script back from him so you could underline a word or make another note in the margins. If it were anyone else, he’d have been embarrassed at how enthralling it was to watch you work. The words you said were the same but you would take the meaning and feeling and twist them to suit your needs. He could feel the subtle changes in your body when you did, a little in awe of what you could do. He’d tried, when Sarah was little, to read to her with character voices and feeling behind the words but he’d never felt like he was any good at it. You could turn on a dime, go from reading words in a flat voice to sounding like you were breaking down in just seconds.
“Ew, why are you guys so close together?”
Ellie’s voice made the two of you look up, her nose scrunched as she watched you from the entrance to the hall.
“I was showing Big Miller here what goes into learning a script,” you said closing it and dropping it with a thump on the coffee table. “Just because you’ve been running lines with me since you’ve known how to read…”
“It’s just weird when you guys get along to well,” she said. “Shit’s unnatural.”
“You guys aren’t the only ones allowed to be friends, you know,” you said, smiling a little.
“I know,” she said. “Still weird though. Can I borrow your ‘friend,’” she put the word in air quotes “to take Dina home?”
“Course,” Joel said, getting up before looking down to you on the couch. “Assumin’ you’re not going to try to take off on your own while I’m gone, anyway.”
“Was definitely planning to abscond into the night,” you said. “You caught me.”
He rolled his eyes but stepped over your legs all the same, resisting the urge to kiss the top of your head as he passed. He had to remember that those small intimacies - casual touches, passing kisses, pet names and fingers lacing - weren’t indulgences that were meant for him. He wasn’t sure why he ever thought they would be.
“Alright Trouble,” he said. “Let’s go.”
The girls chattered happily in the back seat as he drove, streetlights stuttering over the car, and he smiled, letting himself pretend that this was his life and not someone else’s world he was just a visitor in.
***
You had to resist the urge to go to bed while Joel took Dina home.
It wasn’t that you were tired - though the day of media had taken its toll - but more that you didn’t want to hold yourself back from him anymore.
Your bedroom had become a sanctuary of sorts in the months that the two of you had been together. So often now it felt like you were acting in your real life, pretending your way through to keep the secret of your relationship, but that didn’t apply in the safety of your room.
It was probably magnified by the fact that, in all things, you felt more like yourself with Joel than you had almost anyone else you’d ever known. Anna and Justice were the only other people you knew who made you feel that way. With Ellie, you had to be the adult in the room, the parental figure offering guidance that, really, you didn’t know if you were qualified to give while protecting her from the cruel realities of the world. Elise you’d felt like you’d had to protect, too. Yes, she was your mother, but you knew how the things that had hurt you would have destroyed her if she knew. You’d hidden the darkest parts of yourself from her, tucked them safely away so she wouldn’t need to suffer with you.
For some reason, you didn’t feel that pretense with Joel. Just existing as yourself alongside him was the most natural thing in the world, even though you weren’t really sure why.
You were in love with him. You had been for a long time, when you thought about it, at least since before the first time you’d slept with him. You were pretty sure you’d fallen a little in love with him that day by your pool in LA, when he promised to keep you safe from Henry, and it had only grown from there.
You just weren’t sure how he felt about you, not really.
He cared about you, that much you knew. He cared, he seemed to enjoy your company and he definitely liked to fuck you but you weren’t sure how far it went beyond that. You were constantly avoiding telling him how you felt - too afraid of what he’d do or say if you did - but he never looked to be sharing that struggle. He seemed perpetually confident and sure, his decisive nature was a comfort as he protected you while making your chest tight when you thought about your relationship.
You didn’t want to scare him off and, in spite of all the miserable things you’d had to contend with in the last year, the time you’d been with Joel was some of the happiest of your life. You didn’t want to ruin that and you managed to leave that anxiety somewhere outside your room when he joined you there at night.
Ellie threw the front door open so hard it hit the wall with a thud, barely paying you any mind as she talked to Joel.
“Well that’s the crazy thing,” she had to crane her neck to look him in the eye and there was something about the small, kind smile on his face when he looked at her that made your heart ache. “It’s not really that hard, it’s actually pretty easy.”
“Believe that when I see it,” he said skeptically, that sweet smile still on his lips.
“OK well I’m too tired to do it tonight,” she said. “My reaction time would be shit right now. But tomorrow, it’s on Big Miller.”
“Alright, Trouble,” he said. “We’ll see how easy it is.”
Ellie shifted her focus to you then, bounding into the living room and hurling herself over the back of an armchair so she was draped over the top of it, her ponytail swinging over her shoulder.
“So Sissy,” she said and you lowered the script to your thighs to focus on her. “That was Dina.”
There was something in the way Ellie said her name that made you have to resist the urge to smile.
“I noticed,” you said.
“So… What did you think of her?” Ellie asked, hint of apprehension in her voice.
“Oh, so my opinion matters?” You teased, brows raised, and she glared. You laughed. “I liked her, she seems very fun and smart.”
Ellie tried to restrain her smile but only half managed it.
“Cool.”
“So,” you said. “Is Dina your friend or…”
“She’s my friend,” Ellie said quickly. “Just my friend. She has a boyfriend so just a friend.”
“OK,” you said. “Just let me know if I need to rehash the birds and the bees talk your mom and I gave you a few years back…”
“Ugh, ew!” Ellie pushed back from the chair, face scrunched.
“We can talk all about consent,” you said as Ellie moved quickly for the hallway. “And how to handle yourself emotionally and-“
“OK, night Sissy!” Ellie said, already halfway into the hall. “We can talk about that another time! Like never, never would be fucking great.”
She didn’t wait for you to respond, just continuing toward her room and you laughed.
“Night!” You called after her anyway. “Love you!”
“Love you too!”
She closed the door loudly behind her and you laughed as Joel shook his head, watching you.
“That’s a time honored tradition, right?” You said. “Teasing your kid about crushes and the sex talk?”
“Think so,” Joel said, coming to sit beside you. You sat forward as he did, looping your arms around your legs and propping your chin on your knees so you could get closer to him, still aware that your niece was awake and Esmo wasn’t far away. He smiled a crooked smile, one just big enough to make his cheek start to dimple. He leaned closer. “You behave yourself this week?”
“Don’t you get a report out from Seth before he passes me off?” You raised your brows.
Joel shrugged.
“Think you got him all wrapped around those fingers of yours, dunno if I can trust his feedback.”
“And you can trust mine?”
“Dunno,” he smiled just a little bigger. “Like to think I can.”
“Well,” you said, stealthily stretching a foot forward to run along the inside of his thigh. “You know how I like to behave.”
There was a clatter from the kitchen, reminding you that Esmo was still in the house, and you took your foot back.
“Oh I know alright,” he said, pulling away from you, sitting facing the TV now instead of you. “You planning to continue my cinematic education?”
“Yes!” You said, turning to the coffee table while trying to pretend you didn’t want to just jump on the man next to you. “So this one is cliche but you said the other day that you hadn’t seen it and it really did set the standard for modern cinematography…”
You turned on Citizen Kane - you really should have made a list of must-see movies and had Joel check them off months ago so you weren’t going back to basics like this - and settled in to watch, arms crossed tightly over your chest so you wouldn’t reach for him.
It helped that the whole point of this was teaching Joel about film. When you’d first started doing… whatever it is you were doing, you realized that Joel didn’t know much about cinema at all. He liked movies well enough but didn’t know anything about the history or artistry of it. You weren’t sure how much of this was genuine interest on his part, him placating you or him just going along with the scheme of educating him on film so the two of you could spend time together without Ellie or Esmo getting wise.
Regardless, you took your role as film educator very seriously, telling Joel behind the scenes facts and giving him context for what’s happening on screen and how it impacted filmmaking today. He nodded along, looking like he was focusing on the movie but you caught him glancing your way every few minutes, anyway.
Once Esmo had said her goodbyes before leaving for the weekend, you waited just a minute before moving closer to Joel on the couch and you caught him grin out of the corner of your eye.
“What, cold over there?”
“Maybe,” you shrugged. “Or I might just like this spot on the couch better.”
The two of you only made it another few minutes before his mouth was on yours, laying you back on the couch, settling between your thighs with the thick weight of him pressing into your most tender place. You took his tongue into your mouth, breaths heavy and wanting, and rocked your hips up against him, desperate for the relief that friction would bring.
After a minute, he pulled away from you, panting for breath.
“Not that this ain’t a good movie but how about we finish it another time.”
“Yeah,” you nodded quickly, turning off the TV. “Yeah, let’s do that.”
He pulled you up off the couch and kept your hand in his, leading down the hallway, both of you careful to keep from making much noise. You paused for a moment outside Ellie’s door. The lights were off and you held your breath but it was silent. You gave him a nod and then the two of you moved faster for your room.
The moment the door was closed, Joel’s hands were on you. He pulled at your clothes, tugging the fabric up and off and casting it aside with a kind of efficiency that you’d have found funny watching it from the outside. If you were directing this as a love scene, you’d have told the actor to cool it a little. It’s not life or death, she doesn’t need to be naked in just a few seconds and you doubted anyone on earth was quite that desperate to take someone else’s clothes off, especially not someone they’d fucked before.
That didn’t seem to make a difference for Joel. It was like this every time, this keen wanting in his touch, a neediness that you couldn’t quite reconcile in your mind. It didn’t quite fit with the rest of him. There wasn’t anything about your relationship that made it seem like he needed anything from you at all, especially not something that warranted him touching you like this.
You leaned into it, though. You pulled at his clothes as desperately as he pulled at yours, swallowing his needy pants as he backed you toward the bed. His mouth almost never left you, his lips on yours or against your neck or your ear unless you were tugging his shirt over his head.
Before you were naked, you were aching for him. You craved him now, the pleasure he could bring you, the things he could make you feel. It was easy to feel those things when you let yourself into the fantasy that he laid out before you, so conveniently with his hands and his mouth and his cock.
You were barely on the bed when he was on top of you, clothes scattered on the floor of your room, legs spread so the heady weight of him settled into your skin. He pushed into you, moaning as he did, until he was fully within you and he stilled there, dropping his forehead to yours as he panted for breath.
“Goddamn, I missed this.”
You could only groan quietly in response, watching him over you as his eyes searched your face again and again. He stayed buried inside of you for a moment, your body adjusting and you reveled in the closeness and tried not to think about how he said he missed “this” and not “you.”
When he moved within you, you could feel all of him so clearly. You weren’t sure if it was because he was the biggest lover you’d ever had and just the sheer size and stretch of him made you more aware or if it was because you’d let yourself get in so damn deep with him. Fucking Joel never really felt like fucking, not anymore. It felt dangerously close to something deeper and more intimate that you didn’t dare put words to because what if he didn’t feel the same way? You weren’t sure you could deal with that.
He kissed you again, pressing himself deeper, your clit against the rough hair at the base of his cock and you kissed him back. You pulled him closer, fingers sinking into his skin, holding him tight and he moaned into your mouth.
In the months you’d been doing this, Joel had gotten to know your body well, a fact you were especially thankful for on nights like this one. Neither of you had the patience to draw things out the first time you were together again after he had been away for a while. He kissed down your jaw to your neck, lips finding just the right spot on your throat as his cock drove you higher and higher, your pussy tightening around him.
“Joel,” you whispered, like saying his name would bring him somehow closer to you. His hand went below you to the small of your back, clutching onto you as he kept working you deeper, harder.
“I know, baby,” he breathed, ragged and needy, lips brushing the sensitive place below your ear. You weren’t sure what he knew - that you were close to coming, that this felt far too good, that you’d been holding yourself back from saying you loved him for months now - but you didn’t particularly care, either. He kissed you, the hand that wasn’t beneath you pinning your wrist to the bed, his whole body covering yours and he groaned as he pushed in deep before falling apart inside of you.
The heavy throb of his cock sent you over the edge and you came with him, whole body seizing for a glorious moment before a shockwave of pleasure pulsed out from what felt like the very core of you to the rest of your body.
Joel only let his weight fully press into you for a moment, his body limp as he tried to catch his breath. He was heavy, his body making it so you couldn’t breathe deeply, but you liked it that way. He was so close like this, his connection to you so sure. The worries you had about your relationship faded and the complications of the outside world were quiet like this. You wanted to stay like this forever.
It seemed all too soon that he slipped out of you, collapsing alongside you in bed before tugging you against him. You smiled a little to yourself when he did, settling into what had become your usual place against his chest. His heart was still pounding in his chest, his skin warm and his hand splayed wide over your back to hold you close.
You had to stop yourself from saying I love you.
“Need to convince Tommy that I don’t need days off,” he said after a moment, his fingers starting to trail delicate paths over your skin.
You hummed in agreement and nuzzled closer to him, breathing him in. There was something soothing about his scent, especially when his skin was lightly sticky after fucking you. It held this acute intimacy, one that you weren’t used to having. It felt like a privilege, to know how his heart beat beneath his ribs as he came down from the high of sex, to recognize the smell of him in moments like this one.
You tried to stop yourself from getting lost in it, but it didn’t work. His heart beat slowed, his breaths eased.
“You get enough sleep while I was gone?” He asked after you weren’t sure how long.
You scoffed.
“Without you here keeping me up? Plenty.”
It was Joel’s turn to scoff, squeezing you enough that it made you giggle as he did.
“Don’t pretend like I’m a bad influence, spent a lot of time with you the last few years, I know how you get. Stayin’ up late, pushing yourself too hard, getting lost in some project of yours.”
“Uh huh,” you said. “So if you know me so well, why are you asking?”
“Because I also know you’re a smart woman,” he said. “And next week is gonna be fuckin’ rough on you. You ready for it?”
You sighed, pretending to adjust against him but using it as an excuse to get at more of his skin. He was so warm, soft flesh over firm muscle.
Joel was right, it was going to be a rough week.
Savage Starlight was only a few weeks from coming out and the media blitz before the premiere was officially beginning. While the movie’s summer release meant that, for the premieres themselves, Ellie could travel with you, for the next few weeks, she was still in school and you weren’t about to leave her here to stay with a friend or Esmo.
The two of you had been closer than ever since Elise’s passing. Ellie spent less time with friends and less time just playing video games or alone in her room and more time watching movies with you or showing you what she’d been learning on guitar or just messing around on her phone near you on the couch. You’d finished shooting the last of Ashland Hall in a blitz over Ellie’s spring break, bringing her to set and feeling bad that you couldn’t spend her time off at Disneyland or the beach like you had before. Ellie didn’t seem to mind, taking in everything on set every day and talking about it nonstop every night. Being away from her for weeks wasn’t an option.
So you were doing the only thing you thought you could do to meet the demands of your contract and making the film a success while being there for Ellie: Spending a fuck ton of time on planes.
Starting Monday, you’d be getting up at 2 a.m. to be on the first flight out from Austin to New York every day. Some days, you’d go to a morning show, others hours of print media interviews, some you’d go to online outlets where you’d have to make some ridiculous video where you tried some food or read Tweets aloud. Late night tapings, broadcast interviews, photoshoots. Then, every day at 2 p.m., you’d go back to the airport, jump on a flight to Austin and get home in time to have dinner with Ellie. You’d get to hear about her day, sit beside her on the couch, just get the time with her you never seemed to get enough of. Then it was a few hours of sleep before it all started again.
“I’m not going to pretend like it’s an easy schedule,” you said. “But I’ve had some rougher ones for less worthwhile reasons.”
Joel grunted.
“What?” You giggled. “Don’t think you can keep up?”
“Not worried about that,” he said, defensive. “But I don’t like you pushin’ yourself like this.”
You frowned against his skin.
“I need to be here for Ellie, I can’t just…”
“That ain’t what I’m saying,” he cut you off. “I just… I think these damn movie people need to understand that your obligations changed, that you can’t just run yourself ragged because they want you to. That’s not even taking the stalker bullshit into account.”
“Please,” you scoffed in a way that you hoped was convincing. “I’m not going to be in any bigger risk than I am here.”
“They’re advertising what days you’re gonna be on their damn shows,” he said and you could hear his heart beat a little faster. “Painting a fuckin’ target on your back.”
You sighed like you were exasperated but, really, you were starting to agree with Joel.
The incident at your house in California made you nervous. You weren’t entirely sure what did it. Maybe it was the brazenness of the act itself or maybe it was just the painful knowledge now that Ellie really would be alone if you died. It didn’t make much difference as to why, there was a certain chill in you when you thought about the man who’d been sending you messages for years now.
You hadn’t said as much to Joel, though. He was already so protective, you didn’t want to push him any further. Instead, the week that Joel was away, you’d taken some of the time you had on your own to call Justice.
“So I do have a reason for my call,” you’d said after Justice gushed to you about Colten and you continued to feel vindicated about the romantic tension you’d picked up on at the ranch months earlier. “I have a… well, I guess it’s a favor to ask you.”
“Course,” he frowned a little on the screen that was propped up on your bed. “Anything for you, you know that.”
“Now that Elise is gone, I’m worried…” you trailed off, trying to find the words before sighing and pressing on. “Look, not that I think anything is going to happen but I would feel a lot better if I knew that Ellie would be OK if something did happen, you know?”
Justice’s frown deepened.
“Is everything OK?”
“Yeah,” you waved him off. “Yeah, of course it is. But… well, you know. Anything can happen. I could get in a car accident tomorrow, or have a stroke like Elise. I just want to know that Ellie would be OK if that happened.”
He considered you for a moment.
“Course,” he said eventually. “You know how much I love that kid, do anything for her and I’d make sure she’s covered if it came to that but it won’t come to that.”
You went to reply but he cut you off.
“It won’t, right?”
“It won’t,” you said, rolling your eyes.
“Shug,” he said, voice serious. “I need you to tell me that won’t happen like you damn well believe it.”
“That won’t happen,” you said, pressing your fingers into your thigh. “Promise.”
You chewed on the inside of your cheek, nuzzling impossibly closer to Joel.
“It’ll be fine,” you said. “And then, when Ellie’s out of school, we’ll go to LA and you and I will have the house all to ourselves when she’s off at camp for a week.”
“You tryin’ to distract me?” He asked, teasing edge to his voice.
“Distract you?” You lifted your head from his chest to look at him and he was giving you one of those little smiles that made your heart ache, one that made his cheek dimple and his eyes gleam. “How would I possibly be distracting you by reminding you that we have a whole week where we won’t need to sneak around in our very, very near future?”
He laughed, pulling your lips down to his before rolling you onto your back and slipping inside of you again.
One week later
“I don’t like this,” Joel grumbled, looking out at the racetrack, arms crossed firmly over his chest.
“Really?” You gaped up at him in mock surprise. “You? Not like something where you’re not the one in control? I’m shocked!”
He leveled a glare in your direction before looking back out at the track, shaking his head.
“Control’s got nothing to do with it,” he said. “It’s unnecessary bullshit s’what it is.”
“Don’t tell that to Jimmy,” you said, nodding toward the entrance where Jimmy Fallon and his small entourage was approaching. “Probably would piss him off to know that you think his life’s work is bullshit.”
“It is. Don’t care if he knows it or not.”
You snorted.
“Play nice,” you said, going over to greet Jimmy. “I mean it.”
He just grunted. You ignored him.
Joel had been in rare form during this media push. If you were more concerned about the stalker now, that seemed to have nothing on Joel. He was on you like glue, not even so much as letting you use a public restroom without him clearing it first and following you in. He’d had the more technical side of Miller Security compile a dossier of anyone they could consider a threat - from Henry and Leo on down to people who wrote shitty things about you on gossip blogs or in porn comment sections, tracked down via IP address - to see who might live in the area or who had plans to travel there at the same time as you.
He had, at least, shared the list with you.
“This asshole’ll be in town,” he said, nodding at Leo’s photo, fist clenching on your kitchen table the night before your third day in New York. “Probably lookin’ to cause trouble…”
“Joel. He’s a talent agent. He’s in New York every other week.”
“Don’t like it,” he said, flipping the page to show you a photo of a rather unpleasant looking young man who couldn’t have been more than 22. “This jackass tried to get tickets to the show you’re doin’ Thursday. Already told security not to let him in…”
“And why not?” You asked, brows raised.
“Brought up the attack at the premiere in a comment section,” he all but growled. “Said you deserved it. Lucky that fucker’s based in Pittsburgh, wouldn’t mind snapping his damn neck…”
Your stomach clenched. You ignored it.
“People say shitty stuff sometimes, you can’t just kill them for it.”
“Watch me.”
You rolled your eyes and he turned the page, showing you the picture of yet another man who seemed to want to hurt you.
You were actually looking forward to this interview. Joel’s increased anxiety and your grueling schedule was taking its toll on you. You were rarely so aware of just how many people hated you so viscerally and you’d never had faces to assign to the concept. Why some guy in Cleveland thought you deserved to be raped or another one in San Jose fantasized about choking you or another in Seattle blamed you for the promiscuity of teenagers today was beyond you and you found yourself going over and over it all in your head. Add that to the fact that you hadn’t gotten more than four straight hours of sleep - or had sex, there just wasn’t time - in days and you had this constant buzz of anxiety under your skin, one you had to focus to not let show because you were surrounded by press any time you weren’t at home.
This interview was going to be different. Jimmy’s people had reached out to Quinn to ask if you had any hidden talents and, eventually, decided to do part of your interview at a racetrack, you behind the wheel of a stunt car while Jimmy played up how impressive your driving skills were. Flooring it around a racetrack was going to be a great way to blow off some steam.
You said hi to Jimmy and stood next to a souped up Mustang, one equipped with a roll cage and harnesses as the crew got you mic’d up.
“You ready for this?” He asked as you loosened yourself up before the cameras started rolling.
“If I say no?” You teased and he laughed, rolling right into introducing you to the cameras, which you waved at.
“Now you’re probably wondering what I’m doing out here with a two-time Oscar winning actress,” he said before looking to you. “Why don’t you tell them?”
“Well, when you said you wanted to showcase my hidden talents, I was forced to admit that I don’t have many of those,” you smiled. “So we’re at a racetrack so you can see just what I can do behind the wheel.”
“You forget I was on SNL when you first hosted,” he laughed, waving you off. “I know you have talents that don’t involve driving 250 miles per hour.”
“Pretty sure this car tops out at about 150,” you winked. “You’re safe. See that guy over there?” You nodded toward Joel.
“The really big one who looks like he wants to kill me?”
“That’s the one,” you said, glancing at the camera to make sure it had panned to Joel. You hoped this made the cut, you wanted to give Ellie as much ammunition to tease him with as possible. “If it wasn’t safe, he’d haul me out of here.”
“You’re not inspiring a ton of confidence,” he said.
You laughed.
“Then let’s get going before you lose your nerve.”
The crew cut and the two of you got strapped into the car, doing the usual sound checks necessary with an engine before getting started, a camera mounted outside each window and in the back seat.
“So where did you learn how to do this again?” He asked as you got started around the track, taking it slow at first.
“I did a few Fast Track movies in my 20s,” you said. “Had a blast working on them and I wanted to really get the whole experience, so I learned stunt driving. I still get to use it now and then for work, including a bit in Savage Starlight, only in theaters June 26!”
Jimmy made a show of grabbing the door as you picked up speed.
“And how fast are we going right now?”
“Just over 90 miles per hour,” you said. “Ready to bump it up a notch?”
“No!” He said and you ignored him.
“We’ll keep it easy then,” you said. “Just do some donuts.”
He reacted the way anyone comedian looking for laughs would, clinging to whatever he could get a grip on in the car and shrieking as you maneuvered the car in fast, tight circles.
“Too much for you?” You asked, laughing.
“Think I’m gonna be sick!”
“OK, I’ll back off,” you said, twisting in your seat and shifting to reverse as Jimmy made a show of gasping. You picked up speed again, looking back over your shoulder. “Now that we’re going in just one direction, any other questions for me?”
“Oh God, I dunno if I can remember the other questions,” he squeezed his eyes shut. “Have you learned any other terrifying skills for a part?”
“Well I don’t know about terrifying,” you said, still looking back over your shoulder. “But I did learn some hand to hand combat for this one. I’d done some stunt shooting in the past but never had to do hand to hand, so it was starting from scratch for me. I was too busy acting when I was a kid, I didn’t do stuff like karate and I didn’t have any siblings, so my fight experience was pretty limited. Ready for a J Turn?”
“I don’t know what that is!” He sounded panicky. “So probably not!”
“Don’t worry, I think you’ll like it.”
You turned the wheel quickly as you pulled the break and then threw the car into first, feeling something grind as you made the change. You frowned a little. A stunt car should be able to handle something as basic as a J Turn.
You shook yourself mentally. You were being paranoid, it had just been a while since you’d done this. It was fine.
“Don’t worry,” you said, shifting into second. “We’ll just take a nice, leisurely drive for a bit.”
“Oh, good,” Jimmy said, loosening his grip and sitting up a little straighter. “That sounds nice.”
“Yeah,” you agreed, going faster and shifting again. “How fast did I say this car could go? 150?”
“Uh…”
“We can find out!” You said, shifting again.
You got the car up to 145, Jimmy relaxing a bit as you just took it around the track.
“See, not so bad, right?” You said.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “Yeah, this is fine. So what was one moment from filming Savage Starlight that really stood out to you?”
“There were so many great moments it’s hard to pick,” you said. “The whole cast was amazing, crew too. Going to work every day just felt like I was going to hang out with my friends while telling an awesome story. It’s even harder to pick one without giving something away - which I think the Galactic Comics folks might imprison me for, by the way - but seeing myself in the Starlight suit for the first time? Incredibly cool. I’ve done comedy, I’ve done drama but I haven’t had a lot of opportunities to look and feel strong like that. And I kept thinking about my niece and how excited I was for her to see it. It was pretty great. Ready to drift?”
“No!” Jimmy’s fingers scrambled for a place to cling to again and you laughed.
“Don’t worry, it’s fun!”
You went to downshift, not wanting to try to pull this off going this fast, but the shifter didn’t move. You frowned, glancing quickly to see if there as something in the way but nothing was. You tried again. It didn’t budge. You tried to brake, but nothing happened. The car didn’t even slow when you took your foot off the gas.
“Shit,” you said quietly, trying to force the shifter and step on the brake to no avail.
“What?” Jimmy said, his voice almost totally different than it had been just a moment before, when he was playing along with the fun and fear of stunt driving.
“Well, I have bad news,” you said, glancing at him. “I can’t brake and can’t downshift and we’re not slowing down when I come off the gas.”
“Are you saying you can’t stop the car?” He asked. You nodded. “Is this a joke?”
“I wish,” you said. “But no. Not a joke.”
“What does that mean?” He gaped at you. “We’re going 150 miles per hour!”
“Well, 145,” you said. “And that means I’m going to roll the car.”
“What!”
“It’s OK,” you said, even though your heart was beating fast. You glanced out of the car as you wizzed past Joel, just a black-and-dark-denim-colored blur. “This car is made to do that. I’m going to pull the emergency brake and I’m going to turn really sharply so we roll the way I want us to. We’re in harnesses, there’s a roll cage in here, your neck is going to be sore for a few days but you’ll be fine.”
“Have you done this before?!”
“It’s been a while but,” you shrugged. The last time you’d done this you’d also had something like a death wish but you left that part out. “But yeah. Not a very exact science, plenty of room for error, they would never have let me do it otherwise. It’s going to be fine.”
You tried one more time to slow down but it didn’t make a difference.
“It’ll be fine,” you said again.
You hoped you weren’t lying.
***
No more stunt driving.
Not that you ever really listened to a damn thing he said but that was going to be the new rule.
Watching you drive like this was going to kill him. He didn’t care how much training you’d apparently had or how controlled the environment apparently was, this was too dangerous. All he could picture was the car burning, how it would feel to hit the glass again and again until it finally gave so he could pull you out.
He was not doing that, not again.
No. More. Stunt. Driving.
He was standing nearer to the track than he should be, the car roaring by so close that the rush of air made his shirt move. You’d been going around at one speed and in only one direction for what felt like a while, long enough that he was hoping that meant things were winding down. It couldn’t be that interesting, for people to watch some idiot interview you while you drove a fast car around in circles.
In a minute, when you were back where he could reach you, he could breathe.
The car was on the opposite side of the track from him and the film crew when, suddenly, it jerked before flipping over and over on itself and Joel’s blood ran cold.
For a split second, he thought he must be imagining it. He’d lingered on the thing that scared him so much for too long and now he was seeing things. But it didn’t stop, even though it felt impossible, it didn’t stop.
This couldn’t be happening. Not again, not to you. He wouldn’t survive it if it was.
The car landed on its roof and slid along the ground, coming to a stop at the edge of the track and then he was running, the distance seeming so much greater than it had just a minute ago.
He dropped to his knees alongside the car, ripping the camera that was somehow still mounted on the side of it free and dropping it to the ground.
The car was surprisingly intact, enough that he didn’t even need to try to break the window, he was able to pull the door open, a loud creak the only sign that there might be something wrong about the fact that the vehicle was resting on its roof and he went to pull you out of there, before the smell of gasoline hit him, before the fire and the blood. His heart was beating so fast he thought it might break through his ribs and he went to reach for you but you got to him first.
“Joel,” you said, your hand finding his arm. You were dangling upside down in a harness but otherwise, you looked totally normal. His eyes went over you again and again, searching for some sign of metal or pain or panic but he didn’t see any. “Joel, I’m OK, I’m OK, it’s fine, we’re all in one piece in here, we’re OK.”
His eyes met yours and it took him a moment for what you said to settle in him and he took a deep, shaky breath. Your grip on him relaxed a little when he did, the rest of the crew making it to the car then.
“How do I get you out of here?” He asked, looking at the harness as you dangled from it. “It safe to move you?”
“It’s safe,” you nodded quickly. “Everything worked the way it should, roll cage is intact, harnesses did their job. If you can just kind of…”
You gestured to your lap and Joel nodded, reaching so that he’d catch you before you hit anything and you unbuckled the harness, falling into his arms. It was a relief when you did, something calming in the feel of your weight against him as he lowered you to the ground. There was no sound of pain or feeling of blood and he was doing something. That was good.
He guided you out of the car and helped you to your feet before pulling you tightly against him, clutching onto you. He could feel you breathing like this, that you were still alive like this. But your arms didn’t go around him, your hands instead pressing every so slightly against his chest.
“We can’t do this here,” you said quietly and his heart sank, even though he knew you were right.
He stepped back from you and he looked you up and down one last time. He couldn’t seem to get himself to fully calm down, the image of the car rolling playing in his mind again and again.
“I’m OK,” you said, giving him a small smile. “Really.”
The crew got the damn late night guy out of the car and he ran over to hug you once he was free, gushing about how you’d saved his life as you laughed, waving him off and glancing nervously at Joel. He insisted on shooting a final moment of the two of you in front of the crashed car, like it was some kind of fucking trophy. Joel just stood there, jaw clenched tight, until the two of you were in the car, on the way to the studio in the city.
“What the fuck happened?” He demanded, sitting in back with you and fighting to keep his distance in front of the driver. “Were you supposed to crash the fucking car?”
“No,” you said quickly, face and tone both serious. “No, I would never… I did not plan to crash the car. I don’t know what it was, I’m not that well versed in the actual cars, just driving them. It felt like something in the gear box jammed and I couldn’t get the pedals to respond. Everything was locked up. I had to pull the emergency break and with the speed and sudden stop… But we had the roll cage and the harnesses, so it’s not a big deal, not really.”
Joel crossed his arms to keep from touching you.
“That kind of thing common with those fuckin’ stunt cars?” He asked, brows raised.
“No,” you shook your head. “At least, not that I know of and not on sets. It might be different in an environment like that, all the driving I did before was in connection with a movie so there were people in charge of the cars, I don’t know when this one was last checked.”
He nodded slowly, his jaw tight.
“Joel,” you said quietly, twisted to face him, your eyes soft. “I’m OK.”
“Yeah,” he said, this horrifying image of what almost was still at the back of his mind, making his stomach clench so tight he wanted to vomit. “This time.”
He got you safely to the green room at the studio, where hair and makeup were waiting for you and he reluctantly stepped outside to try to figure out what the fuck just happened.
“Well, has there been some kind of threat?” Tommy asked when Joel called to tell him everything, sounding somehow further away than even Texas.
“Well, no,” Joel said, pinching the bridge of his nose, his chest tight. He didn’t think his heart had gone at a normal pace since you’d gotten behind the wheel of that fucking car. “But it ain’t a coincidence, it can’t be, it’s…”
“Are you saying someone came there and fucked with the car?” Tommy asked. “When no one outside the crew knew that she was gonna be driving it?”
“There are people here who want to hurt her!” Joel snapped, fighting to keep his voice down. “We got a whole damn file on ‘em, on ones who are in this area, and you’re really going to sit there and tell me it’s a goddamn coincidence?”
It felt like he was going to crawl out of his skin. He stopped pacing the hall and just looked at the door he knew you were behind. He couldn’t shake the image of the car lying on its roof, the phantom smell of smoke and oil and gasoline and blood.
“Joel,” Tommy’s voice was almost oddly gentle and overly calm. “I understand that when it comes to shit like car accidents…”
“That’s not what this was,” he cut him off but Tommy kept talking anyway.
“I understand that this is a touchy area for you, but Joel. When you hear hooves, it’s probably horses, not zebras. She crashed a car that’s driven hard all the time. Chances are, something went wrong at the wrong time.”
Joel sighed, fist clenching.
“Need me to pull you out?” Tommy asked when he was quiet for too long.
“No,” Joel said quickly. He wouldn’t leave you now, he couldn’t. “No, I’m good.”
Tommy was silent for what felt like a small eternity and Joel fought to keep his breathing even.
“Alright,” he said eventually. “Keep me posted if anything changes.”
Joel hung up before saying anything else. He wasn’t sure he could get anything else out.
He was having a panic attack. He’d had enough of them, not long after Sarah died, that he could identify them easily now. That didn’t make it any less painful to live through.
He looked around quickly, made sure no one was heading your way, but everyone was getting ready for the taping of the show, producers and assistants and crew running around, paying him and this small hallway the green rooms were down no mind. Still, he leaned against the wall beside the door, pressing his forehead into his arm, trying not to choke on the air. He couldn’t see straight, his head swam. It felt like he was dying, and even though he knew it was a panic attack he was sure he was dying. Because he’d gotten a taste - just the tiniest hint - of what losing you would be like and it was like dying. Worse than dying, but it would kill him. He was certain of that.
He fought to breathe through it, did the exercises he’d learned ages ago. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, rooted to the ground just outside your door but, eventually, he could take a full breath.
But coming out from the panic attack didn’t make him need to see you - feel you - any less. All this stupid fucking pretense about your relationship meant that he’d thought, for a few, agonizingly long minutes, that you were gone and he hadn’t been able to feel that you weren’t. He’d thought that he’d never get to hold you, touch you, kiss you again and he hadn’t been able to properly hold or touch or kiss you since. The pull inside of him was impossibly strong, another panic attack looming, his vision going spotty with it.
He didn’t wait for it to take over, instead going to the door with your name on it and giving it a single, sharp knock. He didn’t wait for a response, letting himself in.
You were sitting in a tall chair with your back to the door in front of a mirror, a makeup artist with an assistant putting the finishing touches on your already too-perfect face as a production assistant held out a Diet Coke with a straw for you to drink. You’d changed since you’d gotten there, now in a tiny dress that was the same shade of silvery-blue as your Starlight costume, nude spiked heels on your feet. You frowned at him in the mirror, your eyebrows drawing together.
“Joel?”
Seeing you, breathing and whole, eased some of the tension in him but it wasn’t enough.
“Mind if you give us some privacy?” he said, only glancing to the other people in the room. “Need to talk with her about a security matter. Only take a few minutes.”
“We’ve got,” the production assistant checked her watch. “About 25 minutes until we’ll need her.”
“I’m just about done,” the makeup artist said. “As long as I’ve got another five minutes, I’ll be all good.”
“Thanks so much,” you smiled kindly, turning to watch them go and then focusing on Joel. “What…”
He didn’t give you the chance to finish your thought, crossing the small room in just a few long strides and taking your face in his hand, pulling your lips to his. He kissed you harshly, sharply, and he knew he should be more gentle but he couldn’t bring himself to pull back. If anything, the taste of your mouth was driving his need higher, deeper. Kissing you, he knew now, was not going to be enough.
You pulled back from him, your palm on his chest, your eyes searching his.
“Joel?” you panted for breath. “Is everything OK? Are you OK?”
“Just need you,” he said. “I need to feel you, m’sorry, I just…”
“It’s OK,” you said softly, reaching up to run your fingers through his hair before taking his face gently in your hand. You adjusted in the chair, bringing your hips to the edge of it. Your hand found his and you guided it below your tiny skirt, between your thighs, to where your tight, wet heat was waiting for him. “I need you, too.”
He groaned, running a finger over you through your panties before he tucked the fabric to the side and dipped into you, your pussy slick and wanting.
He unzipped his pants, his cock already hardening, and he stroked himself a few times before notching himself at your entrance, watching where he was about to push into you for the first time in days. He wanted to take his time with you, to actually let himself live this moment with you but he didn’t have that luxury. He moved into you quickly, feeling the flutter of your pulse over him as he dropped his forehead to yours. He looked into your eyes and you slowly, cautiously, put your hand at the back of his neck, your thumb gently stroking his skin as he stretched you open to him.
“It’s OK,” you said again, voice trembling. “I’m OK.”
He took a shaky breath and nodded against you before he started fucking into you. Feeling you like this was a comfort. You were alive. You were breathing, your heart was beating, you were warm and vibrant and soft and here with him. There was nothing that could reach you now, not when he was this close to you. You were safe. He could keep you safe.
You moaned quietly, swallowing hard, and you pulled his mouth to yours and he gulped down your small sounds, drinking up your pleasure as you grew tighter around him.
He pulled back from you when it wasn’t enough.
“Tell me again,” he whispered, his pace inside of you unrelenting. You moaned quietly, some kind of confusion on your face. “Tell me that you’re OK.”
“I’m OK,” your voice was shaky, he could feel your climax growing. “I’m OK, Joel. Nothing’s going to hurt me, I’m OK.”
He nodded against you and you kept saying it. He just fucked you harder, faster, your soft assurances wrapping around him and he reached his peak just as you did, pressing deep inside and looking into your eyes as he came within you.
He stayed within you after, his forehead pressed to yours as you fell silent, breathing the same air as you, buried inside you where he could feel your heartbeat and every twitch of every muscle, every tangible sign he had that you were alive and whole.
Your hand was still cupping his neck and his found the back of yours, too, cradling you to him so the two of you were more like one being than two.
“I’m OK, Joel,” you said again. “Nothing is going to hurt me. Everything’s OK.”
He nodded. He needed you to be right. He’d do anything, anything at all, to make sure that you were right.
A/N: I am SO SORRY for leaving this story hanging for MONTHS. Since I last posted, my niece was in the hospital, I took the final exam for my grad school class, I traveled to see said niece, had the flu, went on a trip with my family, got in a car accident and developed plantar fasciitis. It's been a packed few months and I've missed you guys!
Another apology: I gave up on researching that accident at the end. I really like trying to make my fics somewhat believable. I researched a ton on medical stuff when writing Lavender, horse stuff for Yearling, etc. I tried researching stunt driving and how manual cars work and what would actually happen in these scenarios and how to make this scene work and, eventually, gave it up. I hope it's not totally unrealistic for anyone who knows anything about cars.
Anywho, if you're still here for whatever reason, thank you. I love you, I've missed you, your comments always make me smile and I've been awful at responding to them lately but know that I see them and love every single one. Thank you for spending your time with Joel and Siren, it means the world to me.
Love you!
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