Waiting To Die

 If you don’t have bpd, it is impossible to explain how much this effects our lives. (My life at least because people casually get offended when i generalize what i mean with people like me in mind.)

Just. My point is, I am tired of having no grays.

I either try to starve myself while feeling guilty for not eating healthy or I eat 5 chocolate bars in a row and then spent the rest of the day feeling disgusting and fat.

It is just chocolate. I can’t enjoy a fucking chocholate.

And not just that either;

I don’t go out for months and then one day at a weird ass hour I am out there trying to figure out things to do so I don’t have to go back home any time soon.

I ignore cleaning my room for weeks and then I am cleaning between the tiles with a toothbrush because there may be dirt in there.

I don’t shower for days, sometimes almost weeks, and then I am busy spending an entire day with beauty products because self care is important.

I hate myself for who I became because it is my fault or I hate people who made me this way because it is not my fault.

All I need to get my life back together is just to start doing something but then I see no point in trying because no matter what I do I know it will never be enough to get my life back together ever again.