j 🥯

three years . i've been here for three years — everyone expected me to be gone earlier when i had arrived , they're surprised to see me make it to this day honestly . i was shocked too , but i expected myself to be going soon .

before i knew it , i was snapped out of my thoughts . i opened my curtain to see a group of doctors and nurses around the newly admitted male patient . the doctors were checking on his condition while the nurses were checking his vital signs — blood pressure , temperature , oxygen saturation , pulse and his respiration .

i swung my legs off my bed as i watched the male answer confidently , unconsiously smiling to myself at how pretty he looked and how his voice didn't match his face at all — a deep yet soothing tone . he looked like he was around my age — if not a little older .

" you can stop staring now ... " he said as i snapped out of my thoughts , awkwardly smiling as i let out a chuckle . the ends of his lips curled up a little as he adjusted himself on his bed , turning to face me as he smiled , " what's your name , pretty ? "

" i'm yn , jang yn . what about you ? and why did you get admitted to this ... specialised ward ? " i answered as i shot a question back at him . " my name is kim donghyun , you can call me leehan . i got admitted well because ... i have organ failure . my heart isn't working well ... you ? "

" advanced cancer . i've been here for three years but i just moved out from the isolation wards . " he hummed in response , " so is there no cure for yours ? " he asked as i pressed my lips into a thin line , shaking my head with a short chuckle . " i know your's does . you need a transplant don't you ? "

he lets out a quick laugh , " yeah ... but it'll be hard to find a donor . who would risk their lives to save another ? what more if it's a complete stranger ? " he replies , a cold tension fills the air as he clears his throat .

" so , did you manage to major in any subject ? or course ? " he asked as i hummed , " i did . i majored as a nurse but ... i failed because well ! i'm in a hospital for goodness sake . " i replied as a chuckle escaped his lips , " with me here , you can do whatever you need to prove yourself worthy of a nurse . "

" i can tell we'll have a fun time here together . " i said as he immediately agreed , getting cozy in bed as we exchanged numbers and social medias . before we knew it , the sun was down and the moon had rised .

ever since he arrived , it felt as if i was experiencing a whole new world — he was my age , we had similiar interests like sea fishes . he loved corydoras' and i loved sharks . we could barely sleep until three am because we were sending tiktoks and reels to one another — giggling away as the others hushed us .

well kim donghyun , thank you for being my first ever friend i've made in three years .

" wake up sleepy head ! " i yelled as i shook donghyun awake , his eyes adjusting to the light as he smiled widely at me . " good morning to you too , yn ... it's too early ... " he replied groggily as he sat up , checking the time on his phone — seven o' five am .

" there's a breakfast special today , c'mon ! i want to get it , it's my favourite ! " i whined as i grabbed on his arm , he chuckled before getting one last stretch — washing his face by sink as we went down to the cafeteria together . " hot dogs and pancake ... that's the special ? "

donghyun asked between yawns as i nodded happily , taking at least three stacks of pancakes , one side of cheese omelette and two pieces of hot dogs . i watched as donghyun filled his plate , " aren't you hungry ? "

he shook his head , " i'm sleepy . " i rolled my eyes playfully at his comment , dragging him to the table as we started digging into our food . he wasn't that interested in the food and he kept dozing off but somehow his eyes were still wide open — as if he was watching me eat .

after breakfast we had to rush back up for the usual doctors rounds , for them to check on our condition . the doctors were slightly late but i don't blame them , we all have our late days sometimes ! as the doctor walked in , we all smiled and greeted them before they went to each patient one by one .

i was the last one — " good morning , miss yn . how are you feeling today ? " doctor hanbin asked as i shrugged , " normal , had the breakfast special though so i'm kinda happy . " he smiled at me before looking back onto his notes — the smile disappearing as his eyes softened .

he takes a big sigh before closing the curtain on donghyun's side , donghyun's face changing from happy to pure confusion . hanbin showed me a weak smile before sitting on the chair opposite my bed , " yn ... "

i recognised that tone . a small smile was plastered onto my face as i let out a small sigh , " i know ... i don't have much time do i ? " he lets out a exhale , nodding before running his hand through his hair .

" a month ... do you want me to put you through chemo ? radiation therapy ? " doctor hanbin asked as he took his glasses off . i smiled widely , " no doctor , i'll be fine . let me go , peacefully and naturally . " he looks down onto his files , " how can you be so happy about this , yn ... you're the best patient i've ever had for three years . "

" woah let's keep that phrase for when i actually go . i'll be fine doctor hanbin , i promise . " i interlocked our pinkies as he lets out a breathy chuckle , nodding before patting my head and leaving the room .

before i could even break down , my curtains were opened by donghyun . his face screamed joy — he was clearly excited with the way his eyes had sparkles in them and his smile was reaching from ear to ear . " they found me a donor ! "

he yelled out loudly before grabbing me by my arms and jumping together as we spun in circles . a smile lit up on my face when i saw how happy he was — i couldn't ruin the moment for him .

" what did doctor hanbin tell you ? he seemed so upset . " donghyun asked as we sat down on his bed , my legs hanging off the edge of the bed as he smiled at the patients walking past us .

" they um ... they found a cure ! hanbin was just sad because i was leaving ... " i lied . his smile appeared on his face once again , " maybe we're fated ... we met here and we're leaving together . " he teased as i slapped his arm playfully , " don't be silly donghyun ... "

twenty five more days — twenty five more days til i'm gone . i had no one to call , no one to visit me . i was just ... alone . my parents were gone from my sight the moment they realised i had an illness — so were my siblings .

i sobbed quietly in bed , it was almost three am and everyone was asleep , i didn't want to wake anyone up . why me ? why did i have to go through all of these ? alone ? it just didn't make sense to me — i was a healthy girl and now ... it's all gone just that like that .

will i ever experience true happiness ? will i ever be able to escape from the confinements of the hospital ? i wiped my tears with my blanket as my phone rang — you awake ? a text from donghyun .

i sat up and calmed myself down — i'm awake , why ? i replied . a few seconds go by before my curtain was opened , " hey ... " donghyun said as he fixes his hair , running his hand through his long blonde hair .

" wanna go for a quick vending drink run ? " he asked and i immediately nodded , reaching out for his hand as we sneakily went out of the room . we were taking the lightest steps ever as we tiptoed to the vending machine .

i was picking out my drink when donghyun suddenly grabbed me by my waist and pulled me to the side , hiding behind a wall as he smiled cheekily at me . the bright lights from a flashlight illuminating the room as he held my hand in his — for a moment i blushed . this was the first time i ever held hands with someone in three years . what more by a handsome guy ?

soon enough the light went off , donghyun peeked out from the corner of the wall — turning back at me with the prettiest smile and nodding slowly , i went back to the vending machine and quickly got our drinks . we sat down at the longue for a while and just drank our sodas .

it felt like eternity since i've had this feeling — the adrenaline rush of being caught , the feeling of hanging out with someone that isn't a nurse or doctor and the feeling of comfort with donghyun .

fifteen days left — what's life without fun ? donghyun said before he led me to the hospital's rooftop at six in the morning . now we were sitting on the rooftop with cookies his mom had passed him when she came earlier .

" it's been a while since i saw the sun rise ... " i mumbled as i watched the stars in the sky glisten . my arms holding my weight as i leaned back , feeling donghyun's hand overlap mine as he mirrored my actions .

" looks like we'll be watching it together , hm ? yn , what's your favourite food ? " donghyun asks out of the blue as i turned to face him . " i love ... dwaeji gukbap . i was from busan so — i grew to like it . why ? "

" you're from busan , too ?? " donghyun gasped as i giggled , nodding as he blinks profusely at me with a wide smile on his face . " why donghyun ? " i asked once more as he changed to his more relaxed demeanour , " my mom wanted to bring some for you . she thinks we're dating . "

i laughed loudly at his remark , " you're funny donghyun ... but it's fine — i don't wanna make your mother do extra work ... " he shrugged , " she'll still insist on making it . "

and he wasn't wrong . the next day , donghyun's mom came along and placed the food on my table . my eyes widened before thanking her , bowing as i greeted her . " donghyun has told me a lot about you , yn ... i'm so glad you're both leaving together ! maybe you can go on dates ~~ "

" mom ! " donghyun protested as he stuffed his face into the pillow . i chuckled and thanked his mother once more before digging in , i miss my mom's cooking ...

seven days left on this planet ... i feel , weak . i feel like vomitting every three hours ... i feel nauseous and it feels like i could do nothing . the doctors came around again for a visit , this time donghyun yelled out loudly .

" what do you mean the donor is no longer a donor ? so i won't be getting a new heart ?! " he yelled in frustration . i opened my curtains to see him completely in tears , his ears were red as his tears seeped through his blanket .

the doctors left him on his own to rest and have time for himself — they did promise that they'd find a new donor asap . soon the doctors came to me , " where's doctor hanbin ? "

" he's not feeling too well today , yn ... i'm his attending for today . " doctor myung said as he sat down in front of me . great ... doctor hanbin isn't here and the next doctor visit was in eight days , i'd be gone by then ...

" how're you feeling ? " doctor myung asked as he started typing on his computer . " weak ... i didn't finish a single plate for the last few days , i had no appetite . " i replied as he pressed his lips into a thin line .

" do you want to call anyone here , yn ? we expect the days to be much shorter ... i know you're supposed to have at least a week left but ... judging on your condition , it may be even worse than we expected . " doctor myung sighed . it felt like a knife was twisted in my stomach , " how ... how long ? "

" it's very unlikely , yn ... it could be any time below a week . " he answered and i nodded hesitantly , looking into the bright light to stop my tears from flowing down my cheeks . " that's fine ... thank you doctor myung . "

he gave me a reassuring smile before standing up to leave — but that's when i had a brilliant idea . " doctor myung ! " i yelled after him , running after him as i almost tripped . " could you please ... take my heart ? for donghyun . "

" that would be risky — " " please , doctor myung . it'll be my last wish ... he needs it . " i begged as he nodded , " we'll do our best , yn . "

" promise me you'll still be here ? " donghyun said as he sat on the operating table . i gave him a weak smile , nodding as he interlocked our hands . " i promise , i'll be with you . " were the last words i ever said to him as he was euthanized on his bed with anaesthesia filling his veins .

" let's go , yn . let's get you prepared . " doctor myung said as i laid down on the operating table , the nurses pushing me away as my hand was released from donghyun's grip . it had been exactly a month and a half since i met donghyun — he was the sweetest ever and even brought me everywhere in the middle of the night just to have fun and relax .

i'll miss you and i'll love you forever kim donghyun . thank you for showing me what love is — and how it felt to have a moment with someone .

entering the operating theatre , i saw how doctor hanbin's face was so tensed even with the mask covering half his face . i let out a stiffled chuckle as he stood next to me , " i'll miss having you around here , yn . "

" you've been the best doctor for me . thank you hanbin , and thank you nurses and doctor myung . please , don't forget to pass my gift on to donghyun after he wakes up ? " i said as he nodded , " you're an angel , yn . and i believe that you'll paint our skies beautifully . "

" don't forget me ... " were the last words that ever came out of my mouth as hanbin placed a mask over my mouth . a mask filled with gas that would make me pass out and literally pass on .

kim donghyun , please never forget me .

the moment donghyun woke up , he sat up and his eyes were moving everywhere as his mom calmed him down . he was searching for one person , she mattered more to him more than anything else now .

" donghyun , you need to rest sweetie . " his mom reminded him as he sighed , laying back down as he took his phone out . a text from you ? why would you text him ? did you leave him before he could even come back ?

YN — hey donghyun ... by the time you read this , it means your surgery was successful ! how was it ? do you feel weird ? haha i'm just joking ~ i knew the surgery would go well , you had doctors myung and hanbin , of course it'd go smoothly ~~

YN — by the time you also read this ... i'm no longer here . no i didn't leave the hospital .. i mean i'm no longer in this world . i should've told you before but you just seemed so happy to be getting a donor and i couldn't ruin that for you :)

YN — i only had a month left to live . i was feeling weaker by the day ... worser by the week . thank you kim donghyun , for showing me what the outside world was like , for having fun with me and bringing me out in the middle of the night .

YN — i'm already crying while writing this message for you haha ... donghyun , please take care of my heart ? i'm sorry i can't be there with you now but just know that i'm with you everywhere you go now . you have my heart donghyun (literally). i love you , please never forget me ? 🤍

needless to say , donghyun broke down like glass shattered into millions of pieces . he cried and yelled for your name , waiting for you to say ' joking ' in that cute tone of yours . he was waiting for you to appear and hug him , welcoming him back into the world .

his mother , the nurses nearby and doctors rushed to him — trying to calm him down as he just continued crying . his heart — your heart — hurt with every sob . he was hurting himself because of what he lost .

if only he knew , he would've brought you out of the hospital . he wouldn't have agreed to the heart transplant if it meant that he would lose you . " yn !!! " he would continuously yell as you stood beside him , you were there — but just not physically .

you couldn't cry — he couldn't cry . this was supposed to be a happy moment , it meant that he would live for a long time with a new heart . you patted his hair , crying as you squatted on the floor next to him . please never forget me kim donghyun .

the moment donghyun was discharged from the hospital , he brought his mother to visit your grave . the white and pink flowers he had brought for you along with a plush bear that were couples .

he squatted next to your grave , " you look as beautiful as ever , yn ... you've endured so much suffering , it's only right for you to rest now . i know i'm a month late but ... hey i was held up in the hospital . " he joked .

" i miss you , yn . your laugh , your smile , your voice . i saw the note you left me , and the hoodie . it smells just like you , beautiful . i'll keep the note forever , they'd have to surgically remove it from me ... " he joked once more as he wiped the tears that trickled down his cheeks .

" i love you , yn . i'll always remember you . paint the skies for me ? " as if on cue , the flower that donghyun had placed on your grave had turned to face him . there was no wind present yet it still turned to him . " rest well , yn . we'll meet again , one day . "

it's been 14610 days since you left — yet donghyun couldn't let go of that . donghyun was now 65 and laying down on his death bed with his family members around him — his siblings and his grandchildren . he never got married to anyone , he knew that you and him were meant to be .

he saw how you had painted to skies so beautifully ... the clouds sometimes representing fishes and sharks , in which he would take pictures of it and send them to your number .

he couldn't wait to see you again — he missed you dearly . your laughter , your smile , your voice , the way you would hide your mouth when you laugh too hard , he missed everything about you . he waited and waited ... and now the time has finally came .

everyone around him was crying , blaming the doctors for their lack of knowlegde on how to treat patients whatsoever . donghyun on the other side ? he prayed that you would be in front of him the moment he opened his eyes again .

i'll see you soon , we were always meant to be .

You know.

That had been your plan, telling Jungsu. But the shame hasn't eased like you had hoped, and before you knew it, two weeks had passed and it currently roils in your stomach along with guilt when you think about seeing Jungsu in person now.

You just didn't want him to know you're a failure.

"Maybe this is for the best." Seungmin turns into the exit, calm despite the flurries of snow flying into the windshield. The roads have long since been salted and you think you can feel each chunk being ground to dust underneath the tires. "Think of it as a time to finally rest? All you did for the past two years was work."

"I got laid off right before the holidays, Seungmin. This isn't really a vacation."

His eyes dart over to meet yours for a split second before you look out at the snow-covered fields blurring by.

Seungmin sighs a little. His hand finds your shoulder, patting it through the winter layers.

"I know. Just trying to help."

That's all anyone in this town ever does, you think, the sounds of the heater and the rumble of the tires taking over what's left of the conversation.

—

Your childhood bedroom is the same as you had left it. Well, mostly; the decade-old bedsheets have since been cleaned, and there are fresh tracks in the carpet from when your mother had vacuumed earlier today. You leave your suitcases and bags by your desk to unpack later.

"Auntie told me to stay for dinner," Seungmin tells you, falling back onto your bed and unlocking his phone. "So you'll have to put up with me for a couple more hours, at least."

"You're not gonna help with dinner?"

"I offered, but I got permission to hang with you instead."

"Suck-up," you say, and Seungmin rolls his eyes upward, poking his cheek with one finger.

You join him on the bed, taking a peek at his messages. He lets you be nosy. This is what you do best when you spend time with Seungmin—even now, you guess, you're just a kid in grownup clothes, watching your cousin navigate life and relationships with a maturity you try your best to emulate. You envy him as much as you love him, sometimes.

While watching him catch up on his mutuals' Instagram posts, your own phone buzzes beside you. Reluctantly, you flip it over, and your mouth parts when you see the notification.

"Who is it?" Seungmin asks, eyes still glued to his screen.

"Um," you slowly swipe the lock screen away, "Jungsu."

His attention turns to you fully when you admit as much. "What'd he say?"

You open your messages, a little self-conscious as Seungmin scoots closer to see the conversation. The last time you'd texted Jungsu outside of the group chat was a month ago, when you were still blissfully unaware of the upcoming layoffs and merely amused by a funny animal video that reminded you of him. The thumbnail of the cuddly, sleep-rumpled kitty is halfway visible, Jungsu's emoji-filled reply nestled right between it and the text he had sent just now.

jungsu: was your flight okay?

"Does that sound … passive aggressive to you at all?" you ask tentatively.

Seungmin squints at the message, scratching his head. "Nah, I don't think so. He's just asking."

"Okay."

you: it was fine. seungmin picked me up ^^

jungsu: good!!

jungsu: i wish i could've gone to the airport too to welcome you ㅠㅠ

you: me too haha but it's ok

"He should be off work in about an hour," Seungmin tells you, then nudges your shoulder with his own. "You want him to come over for dinner? Your choice."

The thing is, you should say yes. It should be as natural as breathing, because that's how it had been for as long as you can remember, and because Jungsu is probably still a little upset even if he doesn't admit it.

But you hesitate, and Seungmin takes it as a no.

"If it's too many people, that's—"

"No, it's okay. I don't want to leave him out," you murmur, already typing.

Like Seungmin, Jungsu will be in your life until its unspectacular end. And despite how distant you've been lately, that is still where you want him to be.

you: seungmin's staying for dinner, u wanna come over too?

—

An hour later, the doorbell rings, and you open the door to a stiff breeze, stray snowflakes, and Kim Jungsu.

His nose and cheeks are rosy from the cold. The front bangs of his hair (blond, freshly dyed, longer) stick out from underneath the knitted cap he's had since high school, dusted with snow, and the white of his breath dissipates before it can reach the toasty threshold of your home.

(You think, as you always have, that he looks pretty.)

His eyelashes flutter when he meets your gaze.

You bite the bullet. "Hey."

"Hi," he breathes.

You move to let him inside. He quickly sheds his winter gear, and you get a whiff of ginger and fried food when he gives you a hug.

"Welcome home," he whispers before he pulls away. He smiles at you, and even though you look for it, you can't find a single drop of resentment.

You manage to give him a small smile in return. His hands are a bit cold when they squeeze yours once, but the rest of him is warm. You try not to linger too close.

"Yo, Jungsu!" Seungmin leans over the back of the couch just a few feet away, and Jungsu walks over to hug him as well. "How was work?"

"Good, just busy. Some out-of-towners are staying the night because of the storm warning."

"Oh." You trail after Jungsu and Seungmin to the kitchen, where your mother has set the food out. Jungsu greets your mother affectionately, and she responds in kind before filling her own plate and heading to the living room to allow the three of you to gossip. "Anyone our age?"

"Nope."

"Damn."

"You know the only people that pass through here are old couples and families with little kids," you say, settling into your chair. The arrangement is the usual one—you on the side closest to the sink, Seungmin on your right, Jungsu right across from you. "We've never had anybody our age stop here for the night."

Seungmin points at you with his spoon. "No, there was that one guy when we were in high school, remember? The one with the shady van. Our moms thought he was trying to sell us drugs."

"He told me he was an artist," Jungsu adds, "but the entire time he stayed at the inn, I didn't see any artwork or supplies. He just had a small duffel bag that he carried everywhere."

"Drugs," you say.

"Or money from drugs," Seungmin says.

"He was really creepy." Swallowing his food, Jungsu leans forward as if you hadn't talked about the strange man countless times before, on nights just like this. "But he paid for the two nights he was here."

"In cash, right?"

"Yeah."

"If he was an artist," you say, thoughtfully, "he would have painted the view behind the inn."

Jungsu nods with a smile. "I think so, too. I don't think an artist would've ignored it." His glance towards you sticks. You shift just slightly in your seat as he chews his bottom lip and then asks, tone careful, "Do you guys want to go tomorrow morning? The sunrise will be pretty after the snowstorm."

"Sure," Seungmin readily agrees. He raises his eyebrows at you. "[Y/n]? You game?"

You open your mouth for a reply that you haven't yet formed. "... Oh, um," you finally say, nervous from the two pairs of eyes peering over into yours, unassuming and familiar though they are. "I don't know. I'm kind of tired from the flight ..."

Seungmin's mouth presses into knowing disappointment at the corners. Jungsu blinks and nods; his hopeful smile shrinks the tiniest bit, though to you it might as well be by a mile.

"Ah, right, you should rest," Jungsu replies in a softer voice, and he reaches across to pat the space in front of your bowl. "Maybe later this week?"

You stir your food around. "Sure."

"I can still meet you at the inn tomorrow morning, Jungsu," Seungmin says. He keeps his gaze on you. "I'll leave at seven, so if [Y/n] is awake, we can walk there together. Sound good to you, [Y/n]?"

The offer is well-meaning. You wonder how much pity your cousin holds for you right now, for it certainly bleeds into your own self-pity, and there is not much for you to do in response other than bob your head half-heartedly. Underneath the table, Seungmin's foot bumps yours.

The three of you finish dinner in relative silence.

And yet, after you use your excuse of fatigue once more and hug them goodbye for the night, taking a hot shower and settling into bed, you set your alarm for a quarter to seven.

—

"You're here." Jungsu sounds surprised within the warmth of his scarf and winter jacket. "You're not too tired?"

You note how the snow rises up above your knees as you nod slowly. Jungsu's eyes crescent with a hidden grin, and he takes a hold of your arm as the three of you march across the yard towards the edge of the hill behind the Kim family's inn.

Jungsu's family has owned this property for several generations, but it was only during his granddad's generation that they had decided to develop it and make a bit of money off the folks who pass through your hometown. The building is a small thing, but it is clean and very well taken care of, and the meals are always warm.

The best part of the inn, however, is the view.

It's still pretty dark outside. You stop at a bench, brushing it off and sitting down between Jungsu and Seungmin while you observe the thin sliver of orange peeking out from behind the trees.

"It's too cold."

"Don't fall asleep," Seungmin teases. "You'll get hypothermia."

"I won't," you grumble, though your eyes are half-lidded. "Jungsu has the coffee, doesn't he?"

"Here," Jungsu says, handing a small thermos to you before suddenly retracting. "Ah, wait. It might still be too hot." He unscrews the lid, steam bursting upward into the icy morning air and then sideways as he blows over the top of the drink a few times, taking a tentative sip before deeming it acceptable to share. "Okay, here."

He brings the thermos almost to your lips, but then seems to think better of it and simply hands it over with a slight blush, though not quick enough to beat the blood crawling to your cheeks.

"Thanks, Mom," you mutter, drinking from the cup. Truthfully, the drink is more of a hot chocolate, with some instant coffee added in. You refrain from being greedy and pass it to Seungmin.

Mouth and throat and stomach now warmed, you settle back, watching the sky as the darkness slowly peels farther and farther back.

When you hold your breath, you can almost hear the sun stirring underneath the indigo.

"I think you're right, Jungsu," Seungmin says over the lip of the thermos. "This is going to be a really good sunrise."

"They're always extra beautiful after a storm."

"Wow. Deep."

"It's too early and cold for deep thoughts," you mutter.

Jungsu tilts his head. "Do you need more layers? We have some inside."

"Oh, no, it's okay. I'm just finding things to complain about ..." still, Jungsu's brow remains furrowed, and you stumble slightly over your words, "as one does ..."

"Have some more coffee," Seungmin says, pushing the thermos in your direction.

You do as you're told.

The red-orange dappling the clouds has given way to something light and golden. As the minutes creep by, the sun shows itself above the trees, a shock of bright yellow whose glow reaches out and up.

It's blinding, the light, but you look anyway, wondering how something you've seen a million times can still feel like the first.

"Wow," you state into the still air, mostly to yourself.

The boys hum in agreement. You continue staring at the sky, hearing Jungsu finish rest of the coffee and snap the lid shut.

"I have to pee," Seungmin says suddenly. "See you guys inside for breakfast?"

You blink rapidly. As your cousin stands up, leaving only you and Jungsu on the bench, the slightest bit of nerves overtakes you. "Oh, I—"

"Okay," Jungsu says at the same time you start to stand, and you freeze. He is still seated, though now he casts you a surprised glance. "Oh. Do you have to go too?"

You avoid Seungmin's eyes and slowly sit back down, shaking your head. "N-No, I just thought we were all going now. Let's stay for a few more minutes."

"... Alright."

The crunch of Seungmin's boots through the snow fades into the distance as the two of you look back at the pale sky. Golden sunlight brushes the expanse of snow at the bottom of the hill, smooth and bright.

You burrow your chin into your scarf, the winter morning showing its bite in exchange for the view it is granting you.

"It's really pretty."

Jungsu's soft voice breaks through the silence. His expression is one of perfect contentment; his eyes catch the early light in a gentle way, and you find yourself momentarily at a loss for words.

When he meets your gaze, you smile quickly with your eyes, and a laugh like a small bell escapes through his scarf.

"[Y/n]," he says, "I'm glad you showed up."

"You didn't think I would."

"I hoped you would. You usually do, even though you always complain about waking up early." Jungsu pauses for a moment, and then his gaze flickers downwards. "But ... I don't know. It's been a while, I guess, so I just didn't want to get my hopes up."

He doesn't have to specify that he's talking about more than just the sunrise.

"I'm sorry." The apology is quieter than you had thought it would be, and the shame speaks louder than you had anticipated. You clear your throat. "Are you still upset with me?"

"Honestly?" He sighs. "I was still pretty upset until yesterday. But then I went to your house, and you opened the door—and then, well. I was just happy that you were back."

Oh. "Oh," you say.

Jungsu is quiet again. He tugs on the fingers of his gloves, and you track the movement idly, hyperaware of the hands that those gloves keep warm, steady hands that hold and play and tap. You swallow. Your throat feels tight.

"Can you promise me something, though?"

"Yeah?"

"Just be honest with me from now on," he requests. "We're best friends. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

"I know, Jungsu." The sentence is little more than a breath, but he hears you nevertheless, and he smiles before making a noise of realization.

"Ah, right, we should head inside, huh? Seungmin's probably waiting."

"He's a patient guy ... it's cold, though."

"Yeah, you've mentioned that once or twice."

You chuckle sheepishly as Jungsu stands and holds out a hand, helping you up. The sun shines behind your heads while you walk back to the inn, shoulder-to-shoulder.

You think about what he had said, and about the feeling of his hand in yours, and your heart clenches as if in warning.

Anything, but not everything.

—

Two weeks pass, and the boys still find things to keep you busy nearly every day. You suspect that it is partially at the request of your parents and partially due to worry they had mustered on their own; you are currently unemployed, after all, and they fear that idleness will make you depressed or delinquent or some other "D" word that describes small-town people your age whose hopes and dreams have been crushed by the big bad world outside. If you occupy yourself with cooking dinners and buying groceries and taking snowy winter walks, you won't have time to spiral into despair (which also starts with "D").

Today, the activity is preparing classroom decorations for the new year. Seungmin has tasked you with making lanterns and people out of colored construction paper, and so you have cluttered the table in the corner of the inn's dining area with clippings of various colors, being careful not to drop any on the floor.

"Wouldn't it be easier to print a coloring page and cut them out?"Jungsu asks after he finishes cleaning the other tables, sleeves rolled up to his elbows in a way that looks too good to have been done thoughtlessly. He leans over your shoulder, and the back of your neck prickles with heat. "Where's Seungmin, anyway?"

"Went to the store to get more stickers and colored duct tape," you say, unsheathing a craft knife to tackle the more minute details. "He'll probably come back with snacks, too."

Jungsu hums. "You're good at this," he says, sitting down next to you and picking up a cutout. You had clothed it in layers of different-colored shapes of paper, and he inspects the hem of their skirt with the tips of his fingers. "I bet you could become a teacher's aide for Seungmin's classroom."

"Probably." You take the cutout from him to paste googly eyes onto it. "Waste of my degree, though."

"… Well … I don't think we have any good tech startups around here. Or any at all. Maybe an IT job?"

You remain noncommittal, cool, even as the thought of job hunting all over again fills you with gut-curling dread. "That's probably what I'll end up doing," you say. "Not like I'm going anywhere anytime soon."

Your voice must hold more bitterness than you think, because Jungsu looks a bit uncomfortable at your words, furrowing his brow.

"Is it really that bad to live here?"

Count on you to sour the mood again. "I—no," you reply slowly, "but I mean, come on, Jungsu. You know all the good-paying jobs for me are in the city, right?"

"Seungmin and I are doing okay," Jungsu defends.

"Your family has been here forever and runs a business here, so of course you'd stay. And Seungmin is Seungmin. He'll be okay wherever he is." You tilt the cutout back and forth. The googly eyes move in response. "But I'm just me. I have to take every opportunity I can so I don't waste my life."

Jungsu opens his mouth and then closes it. His lips purse, and you can tell that you've displeased him.

(Jungsu has always been the sentimental type. He has found his dreams within the realm of your hometown; even while you both had gone to college in the city and been dazzled by the promises of big careers and changing the world, in the end, he had kept his love for the simple comforts of family, the inn, and the known. And so he had come back to stay. You understand, and at the same time, you don't think you ever will.)

"I'm never going to change your mind," he replies, laughing a little dryly. "Am I?"

"Probably not."

"Geez ..." A long sigh escapes him. He fixes you with a wistful smile and picks up a pair of scissors. "Then I guess we should keep putting you to work while you're stuck here, wasting just part of your life."

You kick him underneath the table. Jungsu snickers, taking a sheet of paper to cut out the lantern trapped in the middle of it.

The box of permanent markers is on the other side of where he's seated. You stand up slightly to reach around him, hooking your fingers over the edge of plastic and dragging it closer.

"You could've just asked me to pass them to you."

"Well, you were being mean, so"—you make the mistake of turning your head to look at him, and promptly choke at the close proximity—"so, uh ... um ..."

He tilts his head unbearably slowly, blinking up at you with a look of both amusement and bewilderment as you make a fool of yourself once more. Your eyes trace down the slope of his nose and pause on his lips, and your tongue sticks to the roof of your mouth.

"... Are you okay?"

Soft.

"I'm ffine," you blurt, sitting down swiftly with a hot face. You do your best to hide it from him. "Stop slacking and go back to work."

"Now who's being mean?"

Jungsu gets up after cutting out the rest of the lantern, pushing it and the offending box of markers closer towards you. He pats your back gently before sauntering off to continue his daily tasks.

—

"Aw, look. It's Ankle Sprain Seungmin."

Seungmin drops his head back against the couch. "Once again, that's the dumbest thing you guys could have ever called me. C minus. F, even."

"It's more about how you got it," you explain, elementary school yearbook propped up against your torso as you tap a scrawny, cheeky-looking Oh Seungmin in the corner of one page. "It was a warm spring day, and you just had to show Kim Hayeon that you could jump down from the top of the jungle gym." Seungmin rolls his eyes. Jungsu bites down on his bottom lip, muffling a laugh, and you continue somberly. "Instead, you sprained your ankle and we had to carry you to the nurse's office."

"It actually worked, though," Jungsu counters. "Because Hayeon came up to him afterwards and asked if he was okay."

"All part of the plan. She thought I broke my ankle and was pretty worried for me."

You give a thumbs down. "Boo. Lamest way to pick up a girl."

Your cousin shrugs and takes a swig of beer. He purses his lips, flicking at the tab of his now-empty can as he says casually, "Didn't you have a crush on our homeroom teacher in sixth grade?"

This time, Jungsu bursts into laughter. "Oh, my god, you totally did!"

You slam the yearbook shut, mortified, and hit Seungmin over the shoulder with it. The jerk doesn't even have the decency to look sorry. "Shut up! Why would you even bring that up?!"

"What, I can't counterattack?"

"You're older than me, so you have to put up with it."

Seungmin squints. "Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"No! Jungsu, you're the oldest. Tell him to toughen up."

"Okay, okay," Jungsu steps in, hands out in a placating gesture even as he recovers from his laughing fit. "Let's just say you're both even now. We all had embarrassing crushes."

"Speaking of which, Jungsu, I only remember you having one crush in high school," Seungmin says. "What was her name? She was in choir."

"Oh Jimin," you answer.

You remember Oh Jimin.

"Yeah, Jimin. She had a really nice voice."

"She did," Jungsu agrees. "I was too nervous to ask her out, though. She actually got married last year to one of her classmates."

"Really?"

Seungmin pulls his phone out to show you the wedding photos on Instagram. You look with mild interest. She's beautiful, has that glow that brides have. Her smile is the same. You remember when it would reduce Jungsu to wide-eyed, red-faced silence.

Seeing her now makes you feel guilty for the resentment you held for her as a teenager.

"Seungmin, please get married soon," you say, attempting to redirect yourself. "People will start to think something's wrong with the three of us if you don't."

Seungmin raises an eyebrow. "Find me someone to date, first," he shoots back. "And why should it be me? Why don't you or Jungsu get married?"

The 'or' in the second sentence does a lot of heavy lifting in your mind.

You cross your arms, scoffing. "To who?"

"I dunno." Seungmin pauses. Then, to your horror, he lifts a finger and waggles it between you and Jungsu. "But at this rate, if both of you are still single in twenty years, you might as well marry each other."

It's almost two o'clock in the morning. Perhaps you can blame what happens next on the late hour, or on the presence of alcohol, or maybe if you are really honest, you can just blame it on yourself.

Jungsu's cheeks have long been flushed, but you wonder if they've become just a little darker when he responds, chuckling, "O-Oh, no. No, [Y/n]'ll find someone before then."

You blink, your heart ripped in two.

"Wow, not even a maybe?" You do your best to sound upbeat, but your voice pitches oddly at the end, and you know Jungsu notices when his smile stiffens. "Am I that bad?"

He shakes his head quickly. "No, I meant that you'll find someone else—"

"But what if I didn't?"

The living room falls silent. The way Jungsu's expression turns pained tells you all you need to know.

Seungmin utters no more than half your name before you stand up and dash out of the room.

Your cousin's house is small. You reach the guest bedroom within seconds and fumble with the doorknob to open it, closing the door hard behind you.

Your feet carry you towards the hidden space between the bed and the far wall. Once you sit down, what feels like a decade's worth of waterworks turn on, and you cover your mouth and sob.

You had imagined Jungsu's rejection time and time again. But recently, you had also begun to think that, maybe—

Well. Maybe it was never.

Hiccuping, you draw your sleeve across your eyes.

Why would he even want you, anyway?

You spend what feels like hours wiping your face until your nose and cheeks feel scraped raw. More than once, you think you are finished, only for Jungsu's pitying expression to resurface in your mind and open the wounds all over again.

But eventually, the tears begin to run dry, and that's when you hear a knock at the door.

"[Y/n]?" It's not Jungsu, but Seungmin. His tone is coaxing. "Can I come in?"

You gulp. The backs of your eyes ache, and you wipe your nose. "Okay."

The latch bolt clicks. You hear the sock-clad footsteps of your cousin approaching before he sits down beside you.

He says nothing for a moment. When you lean against him, eyes closed, he wraps an arm around your shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Seungmin says. "I don't know why I said it. You can hit me, if you'd like."

"You know, don't you?"

Your voice is tiny. Seungmin squeezes you and exhales slowly, and you slump, defeated.

"Yeah."

"Does he know?"

You are deprived of an answer for a good minute. Finally, Seungmin clicks his tongue softly, and he says, "I think the two of you should talk to each other and clear everything up."

"He knows, doesn't he?"

"If he does, he'll tell you. He's still here, if you're willing to talk to him now. I just figured I should check on you first. But you need to talk to him and he needs to talk to you."

"I don't want to."

"But you have to," Seungmin says. His warmth leaves you, and you look up at him desperately as he grabs the throw blanket on his bed and tucks it around you. "You're strong. However it goes, you'll get through it."

The corners of his lips quirk upwards. You can't manage a smile, but his words touch your heart, and you curl into yourself.

"He's still here?"

"Want me to go get him?"

You nod almost imperceptibly.

A few moments later, Seungmin returns with Jungsu and a glass of water. The glass of water is given to you, and Jungsu receives a pat on the back before your cousin leaves the two of you alone.

You bring the glass to your lips and take a long, thin drink. It's cold, but not too cold, with no ice. It makes you feel marginally better.

Eventually, Jungsu speaks up hesitantly.

"Can I sit down?"

You nod, not looking at him.

So he sits down beside you, carefully moving the blanket wrapped around you so as not to sit on it. He brings his knees to his chest. There is an inch of distance between you and him.

You rest your mouth on the rim of your glass, the water touching your lips but going no farther.

"[Y/n] …" Jungsu starts. "I'm really sorry."

The second rejection stings more than punches, alcohol over the raw cut. You breathe out steadily.

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"I hurt you." You can hear the quiet shake of anxiety in his voice. "I shouldn't have laughed, but I—I got nervous, and then your question caught me off guard, too, and I panicked and didn't know how to reply—"

"Jungsu." You turn to meet his eyes, and you hear him swallow. "I'll be fine. It was a stupid question." You rip your gaze away again, digging your toes into the carpet. "Deep down, I think I already knew it wouldn't happen, anyway."

Jungsu is quiet for a long time.

You realize, with a shameful belatedness, that this is a painful conversation for him as well. Jungsu feels others' emotions like they are his own. He shies away from negative ones, sensitive to them like paper to a flame, and more often that not he appeases them with tight smiles and agreeable responses.

But here, in the dim lamplight of the bedroom, he is holding himself over the fire. He cannot run anymore, just like you.

He finally speaks, his voice nearly a whisper.

"It's not because I don't feel the same way."

Your world stops on its axis.

Your head snaps up. You stare at him with wide eyes. He faces you fully, and you scan his expression for a hint of dishonesty, but it is once again nothing but open. He looks sad. Small.

"What?" you rasp.

"I would," he confesses. "Marry you twenty years from now. Or ten, or five. If I had moved with you to the city, or if you moved back here with me. But we're ... I don't think I could make you happy."

You are sure this is your third rejection. But you are still reeling, because it sounds like it is not your feelings that he is rejecting.

"You're afraid to even try."

"You have bigger dreams than here."

"You had bigger dreams once, too. We could have been together in the city." Old grievances rear their head like a reflex to pain, souring your tongue. "But you backed out."

Jungsu's face pinches. "And if I had stayed with you in the city, what then?" he replies. "We'd hardly visit home? Call Seungmin once a month? Work ourselves to death at a place that wouldn't think twice about getting rid of us?"

Blood rushes to your face.

This is too much. Too many different feelings mixing together, too many things spilling out.

You wring out a laugh and grip the glass in your hands until it's just shy of shattering.

"You liar," you huff, new tears spilling over. "You said you weren't upset anymore."

"Well, maybe I am," Jungsu says.

But his voice wavers, and you know that he is no better than you.

So much for talking it out. The room feels as cold as it had when you'd first entered it.

You don't bother to dry your tears this time. Beside you, Jungsu sniffles quietly, the shuffle of fabric letting you know when he rubs his sweater sleeve against his face.

Somehow, it reminds you of years long past. Crying then didn't feel nearly as pathetic.

"I miss when we were kids."

"... Me too."

You stare into your glass, then drain the rest of the water and set it aside.

"I shouldn't have said that," Jungsu mumbles into his knees. "I'm sorry."

"It's ... it's okay. Um." You lick your lips and say, slowly, "I don't think I ever actually apologized for not keeping in touch as much as I should've. I'm sorry."

"… I forgive you."

"You do?"

He nods.

You relax just the slightest bit. Your shoulder touches his, and when he leans into you in turn, you feel a small amount of relief, heart no longer angry but still sore and bruised.

There's nothing left to lose now. You might as well say everything that's on your mind.

"Jungsu." He hums. "You've always made me happy. Just so ... just so you know."

His brow furrows. "I just made you cry."

"What I mean is that it's always been you."

You are being honest, like you had promised, and the way Jungsu flushes to the tips of his ears is honest as well.

"You deserve better," he says.

"I don't deserve anything. I want you. Don't you feel the same way?"

"I do, but ..." He takes in a breath, his hand finding the crook of your elbow and squeezing. "If we hurt each other and never talked again, I don't think I would be able to handle it. These past two years were already ..."

He trails off. There is a pang in your chest as he bites his lip and presses the edge of his sleeve against one of his eyes, and it dawns on you then just how much you have to atone for.

"I really hurt you," you murmur. "Didn't I?"

Jungsu turns. You are suddenly enveloped in a tight embrace, warm wool and clutching fingers. His heart beats against yours, and it's enough to make you tremble, knowing that this is far more than you will ever deserve.

"Jungsu ..."

"Can you wait for me?" The request is a whisper. "Just give me some time?"

You breathe. "Of course."

His weight bears down on you until you're nearly crushed. You find it within yourself to crack a small smile as he clings to you.

Pressing your cheek against his shoulder, one last question leaves your tongue. "Can we still be best friends?"

His answer is muffled and soft, but sure.

"Always."

—

(You wait for him. Jungsu waits for you, as well. It's a long and slow journey but you find yourselves and, in turn, find each other again.

“It’s fine, zombies can’t open doors,” he says. He’s trying to help you be less afraid, yet the sounds of hissing zombies just on the other side of the thin metal door don’t allow his words to hold any weight. 

“That doesn’t really ma-” You cut your own self off as a yelp leaves your lung when a particularly strong zombie slams against the cabinet with a loud thump. “Feel any better.” You hate how your voice wavered, showing how scared you truly were. What you hate more is how you don’t hate the feeling of his free arm, that wasn’t holding the door to make sure it stayed shut, wrapping around you. Pulling you closer to him. You can feel his heart beating against your chest and you're pretty sure he can feel yours too. 

How did you end up like this though? It goes back to your second period class, p.e. It was a mile day, so everyone was feeling the dread. The burn you felt in your lungs from running soon turned into a burn of adrenaline pumping through your body. Jiwon, a girl in your class, fainted mid-mile causing everyone concern. You all began to crowd around her despite your p.e. the teacher telling you all to mind your business and keep running, that she would take care of Jiwon. Though you all did start running again. After witnessing Jiwon’s eyes turn bloodshot, her body convulsing, bones breaking, animalistic sounds leaving her mouth. Then to everyone's horror she launches herself at the teacher, sinking her teeth into her neck. The gruesome, bloody scene caused mass panic as you all began to flee the gym. 

After escaping through the double doors of the gym you discover that the rest of the school is in a similar hysteria of chaos. Students running and screaming, trying to get away from other students that have seemingly turned undead.

You feel as if all your senses are heightened as you look around for the safest path. However the sounds of a familiar yell made you whip your head in the direction. Suddenly the safest path didn’t matter as you saw Hyeongjun, your best friend, being tackled by a zombified student. Without hesitation you ran over to where Hyeongjun was. A bit of hesitation did fill your body as you arrived, not knowing quite what to do. There wasn’t really time to think, so your instincts thought for you and you found yourself harshly kicking the zombie off of Hyeongjun, quickly pulling him up from the ground and running away with him. 

“Are you ok?” you checked on him whilst looking for where to go.

Hyeonjun frantically nodded, heavy breaths leaving his lungs. “Thanks to you.”

“Hyeongjun! Y/n!” You hear your names being called. You catch sight of Jooyeon, another friend of yours, frantically waving you into the classroom of a door he has cracked open. Together you and Hyeongjun run towards the classroom. Jooyeon opens the door just a bit wider for you and Hyeongjun to enter before slamming it closed behind the two of you. 

“Are you two ok?” he asked after he turned the lock on the door. Both you and Hyeongjun nod, still panting. 

“We’re fine,” you told him.

“Almost wasn’t,” Hyeongjun said. He’s more saying it to himself though has the gravity of the situation started to weigh on his shoulders. He almost died.

“Hey, you’re ok. You’re my best friend, I got you,” you tell him with a smile and place your hand on his shoulder. A shaky sigh leaves Hyeongjun’s lips, but he still gives you a small smile in return. 

Although, in spite of the comforting words you spoke as you look down at the blood that covered your shoe from kicking the zombie just minutes ago you too begin to feel the gravity of the situation weighing in. You were in some kind of zombie apocalypse. Your life was endangered. 

“Are you sure they’re not infected?” A voice makes you sigh. Oh how you wished you didn’t recognize that annoying voice. The voice of the guy you hate the most, Kwak Jiseok. 

“Look if I was a zombie you would be the first person I bit,” you stated, looking at him with a glare. 

“Ok, I believe you,” he vexingly smirked. “What about him though?” he added, pointing at Hyeongjun. 

“If he was a zombie I’d throw you to him,” you replied giving a foe smile.

“Yeah and I’d gladly bite you if she did,” Hyeongjun goes on to say. This caused the other students of the classroom to look at Hyeongjun with a bit of shock. He was known for his quiet and reserved personality. They never thought they would hear him say such a thing. “What? I’m y/n’s best friend. If she doesn’t like Jiseok then neither do I,” he stated. 

“Look y/n I know you,” Jooyeon pauses briefly,” and apparently Hyeongjun, don’t have the most positive feelings towards Jiseok, but I think it’s obvious this isn’t really a situation where you guys should be at each other’s throats,” Jooyeon tried to mediate. 

“He started it by asking if we were infected,” you defended. 

“It’s a valid question to ask considering what’s going on outside,” Jiseok justified. 

“If Seungmin walked in here would you ask him if he was infected?” you challenged. Seungmin was Jiseok’s best friend. 

“I-” Would he? Jiseok had to think for a second. At the same time the mention of his best friend’s name got him thinking. Was Seungmin even ok? He has no idea where he was right now. He hoped Seungmn was ok, wherever he was.

“See?” you pointed. 

“Whatever, it still is a valid question. We don’t need any zombies in here with us,” Jiseok said. You knew he was right, but you would never say that out loud, so instead you rolled your eyes and walked away with Hyeongjun over to a set of desks that were away from Jiseok. 

Just like how Jiseok would never say out loud how he envied you right now. You had your best friend right beside you. You knew that each other were safe and were there to look out for one another. He would also never admit how as he watched you through the small glass window of the classroom door that he admired how you rushed to Hyeongjun and saved him without a second thought. Given the chance though he would call you dumb for running towards a zombie without any regards for your own safety. 

Feeling a pair of eyes on you, you turn your head to discover Jiseok staring at you. Before you can even do or say anything about it he’s looking away acting like he wasn’t staring at you. Hyeongjun too noticed how Jiseok was staring at you. The two of you exchanged questioning looks about it.

“I can’t believe we’re stuck with him,” you mumble. 

“I know, of all people,” Hyeongjun responded. “Jooyeon did have a point though. Now isn’t the time to be fighting.” 

“I know,” you reluctantly said with a less than happy look. “What should we do though? We can’t stay in this classroom forever?” 

Almost on cue you hear slams of zombies against the classroom door. Succeeding in making everyone jump with their heart rates spiking. 

“I-it’s fine..zombies c-can’t open doors,” Jooyeon's voice shook as he cautiously stepped away from the door. 

“We should barricade the door just in case,” Jiseok spoke. You look at him for a few moments. It’s not a bad idea. You look at Hyeongjun and he nods in agreement, so the two of you go to work picking up a desk and moving it to block the door. Jiseok is a bit surprised by your compliance, yet joins you and Hyeongjun in blocking the door. 

“Here,” you say, handing Jiseok a chair to add to the barricade.

“Thanks.” He takes the chair from you. His fingers brush against your despite that there was plenty of room elsewhere for him to grab the chair. You thought he did it on purpose to simply annoy you. Believe it or not his finger brushing against yours was actually an accident. Jiseok wasn’t looking at the chair when he took it from you but rather where he planned to stack it, so the feeling of your skin brushing against his caught him by surprise. The touch was brief, but he was still able to feel how cold your fingers were. He now looks over to where you and Hyeongjun were grabbing some more chairs. He notices how you’re only wearing your p.e. uniform. It certainly wasn’t the warmest set of clothes. Especially for the science room you were in that was known for being cold. Jiseok’s brows knit together as he feels a weird feeling in his chest. A feeling that he thankfully can’t focus on too long due to the sounds of more zombies banging and growling on the other side of the door. 

The barricade was finished and the only thing left to do for the time being was to sit around. Maybe trying to come up with ideas for what to do. The sounds of the undead fill the silence, not helping anyone feel calm. You sit with your back against a wall, knees brought up to your chest. The cool air of the room dancing across your exposed arms and legs. The zombie apocalypse really couldn’t have waited until after you finished gym.

A phone going off caught everyone’s attention. It was Jiseok’s, who was quick to pull the phone from his pocket. A sigh of relief leaves his lungs when he reads Seungmin’s name from his screen. 

“Hello,” he answered. “Yeah man I’m alright. I’m in room 307 with Jooyeon, Hyeongjun and…y/n,” he adds your name with some reluctance. You let out a scoff at it. “Yeah I know, whatever. Are you alright?” he checked on Seungmin. Much to Jiseok’s ease he found out that Seungmin was indeed ok. That he was with Gunil and Jungsu and coincidentally he was in room 507 which was directly one story above the room you all were currently in. Jiseok made his way to the window of the classroom checking that it was clear of zombies first before he opened it up. 

“What are you doing?” you questioned him. Only for him to shush you.

“Guys!’ You Hear Jiseok shout as he’s leaning out the window, looking up. You, Hyeongjun and Jooyeon also make your way to the window cramping your bodies together as you peer out of the window.

“Y/n it really is you,” you hear Jungsu call from above. He, Seungmin and Gunil are all peering down at the group of you. 

“Yeah it’s me. How are you guys?” you hollered. 

“We’re ok!” he confirmed. 

“How do you like being stuck with Jiseok?” Seungmin teasingly asked. 

“Shut up!” you tell him to which he laughs. 

“I’m not happy about being stuck with you either,” Jiseok states. 

“Why would you be?” you fired back. 

“Ok, ok, I’m sorry, but we should try to meet up don’t you think?” Seungmin interjected. Jiseok is the first to nod in agreement. 

“How do we do that though? It’s too dangerous for either of us to leave the rooms we’re in,” Jooyeon prompted. 

“I guess we need to find a way for you guys to come up or us to come down,” Gunil stated. 

“Are you crazy? You want us to scale the building?” Hyeongjun clearly didn’t like the idea. 

“Yeah, I don’t know.” Jungsu also showed leeriness towards the idea. 

“We’ll come up to you guys,” Jiseok suddenly answered. 

“Excuse you. Why do you get to decide that?” you harshly questioned Jiseok. 

“The best option for us is to get to the roof, which will be easier to do from the second floor. We can go to the nurses office that is down the hall and get the curtains to use as a rope,” Jiseok explained. 

“Who is we exactly?” you questioned, pulling yourself back in from the window and folding your arms over your chest.

“Me and you.” He points to himself then you. 

“No,” you immediately decline. 

“Don’t be difficult. It’s not like I want to go with you, but we’re the best two options. Jooyeon is too much of a coward-”

“Aye!” Jooyeon shouts offended. Jiseok turns and gives him a look.

“Do you want to come with me then?” he probed. The color of Jooyeon’s face drained at the mere thought of venturing out of the room. 

 “O-Ok you’re right I’m a coward, but you didn’t need to say it like that,” Jooyeon says, awkwardly avoiding eye contact with anyone. 

“I can go,” Hyeongjun offered. 

“No,” you quickly shut down his offer. “I feel better knowing you’re safe in here,” you tell him. Hyeongjun nods. A relieved breath leaves his lungs. Truth be told he was also terrified of leaving the room after his last encounter with a zombie that almost took his life, but for you and your safety he would risk it. 

“See, that leaves you and me,” Jiseok says. You let out an annoyed sigh. 

“Fine, but don’t expect me to protect you. Watch your own back,” you told him. Though you’re not sure if your words really hold any weight. Would you protect Jiseok if a zombie attacked him? You hate to admit it, but you don’t think you hate Jiseok enough to see him become zombie feed. 

“I’m more than capable of looking out for myself,” he voices. 

The two of you make your way over to the barricaded door, moving the stacked desks and chairs just enough for you two to slip by. 

“Be careful,” Hyeongjun sincerely tells you with a pleading look in his eyes. 

“I will, don’t worry,” you assure him. Despite your calming words you can feel your heart make its way into your throat. 

“Ready?” Jiseok checked. You can see the uneasiness in his eyes. 

“As I’ll ever be,” you reply. Deep breaths fall from your lungs as you approach the classroom door. Jiseok quietly cracks the door open as he scans the surroundings. Zombies linger in the hall. Fortunately the path to the nurses office is pretty clear. The pair of you will still have to avoid some zombies though. 

“We have to be quiet,” he tells you as he opens the door far enough for you two to slip out. 

“I know,” you whisper. 

Both of you stay close to the wall as you silently creep your way to the nurses office. You feel like your heart rate peaks with each tap of your steps against the school's floors. Were footsteps always so loud? You forget how to breathe as you sneak past the first zombie that was distracted by feasting on the corpse of an unfortunate student. 

“Hey, keep moving.” All of the sudden you felt Jiseok’s warm fingers wrapping around your wrist. You didn’t even notice how your footsteps stopped as you stared at the gruesome sight in front of you. You can feel your pulse drum against his fingers and you wonder if he can feel it too. Any other time you would have immediately would have yanked your wrist from his hold, however right now you didn’t seem to care. 

Jiseok can feel your pulse under his fingers. He also feels how cold your skin is against his. It once more reminds him of your less than warm attire. He feels that odd feeling stirring in his chest again, however this is no time to pay attention to it. He keeps his eyes trained on the door to the nurses office. Oddly enough he finds the feeling of your pulse drumming against his hold comforting, he is grateful that you didn’t instantly rip it away from his grasp. 

Only after closing the door to the nurse’s office are you somewhat able to find your breath. Jiseok goes to collect the curtains whilst you make your way over to the desk, opening up the bottom drawer. 

“What are you doing?” Jiseok asked you. 

“The nurse keeps snacks in here,” you answered, holding up a granola bar. You load the snacks up into a discarded purse that more than likely belonged to the nurse. Then you move to help Jiseok with the curtains. Standing on the bed as you reach to undo the clasps that connected the curtain to the overhanging rod. 

BANG!

Jiseok and you jump out of your skin as the door to the nurses office (not the one you entered in, but the one that connects the nurses office to the main office. Both of you failed to notice that it wasn’t full shut.) flew open slamming into the wall. Zombies began to pile into the room. 

“What do we do?” Jiseok panics as the zombies quickly made their way towards you both. 

“This way,” You quickly grabbed Jiseok’s hand and drug him over to the metal storage cabinet that was just beside the beds. You open the door to the storage cabinet and just as you’re about to step inside a zombie grabs Jiseok by his school uniform jacket. Jiseok’s hand grips yours so hard it hurts as he tries to free himself from the zombie’s clutches. Fear evidently spiking in him. Just then you notice a pair of scissors on the top shelf of the cabinet. You reach up with your free hand grabbing the scissors and start to move the scissors in his direction.

“What are you-?” For a second Jiseok is scared you’re going to stab him with the scissors. You did tell him you wouldn’t protect him. However the scissors passed right by his head, stabbing into the zombie's head that was holding him. You’re then able to pull Jiseok into the cabinet and shut the doors. It all happened so fast that Jiseok can hardly process what happened. You saved him. You saved him. You saved him. 

“You’re welcome,” you told him matter-of-factly. 

“R-right, t-thank you,” he stuttered out, still in shock. Zombies gathered around the cabinet trying to get to you and Jiseok. 

“Jiseok I swear if I die because of your stupid plan to get the curtains I’m gonna-” Your words get cut off as zombies rock the metal cabinet, causing you to fall into his chest. 

“It’s fine, zombies can’t open doors,” he says. He’s trying to help you be less afraid, yet the sounds of hissing zombies just on the other side of the thin metal door don’t allow his words to hold any weight. 

“That doesn’t really ma-” You cut your own self off as a yelp leaves your lung when a particularly strong zombie slams against the cabinet with a loud thump. “Feel any better.” You hate how your voice wavered, showing how scared you truly were. What you hate more is how you don’t hate the feeling of his free arm, that wasn’t holding the door to make sure it stayed shut, wrapping around you. Pulling you closer to him. You can feel his heart beating against your chest and you're pretty sure he can feel yours too. 

“You said you wouldn’t protect me,” he brought up. You can feel his breath ghost across the side of your face. You don’t know if he’s insane for wanting to talk about that now or if he’s trying to distract you from your current situation.

You let out a mix of a scoff and a sigh. “Should I have let you be zombie feed?” 

“No, I’m grateful that you saved me.” He takes a breath. “And I’m sorry that I took Seungmin from you all those years ago.” There it was, the old wound, the reason why you hated Jiseok. He stole Seungmin from you. Before you and Hyeongjun became best friends Seungmin was your best friend. In a second the already cramped storage cabinet felt all too small. 

“Why would you bring that up now?” Jiseok feels a tinge in his heart at how much hurt your voice is filled with. It had been so many years since then, yet your tone sounded as if it happened yesterday. 

“Cause I almost just died and all I could think about was how I never apologized to you,” he revealed. “I never meant to steal him from you either. Truthfully I wanted to be friends with both of you, but before I knew what was happening you were gone. Then you were laughing with Hyeongjun and I never knew how to approach you,” he confessed. 

“Before you knew what was happening? You and Seungmin kept making plans without me. At first I thought ok they’re doing bro things or whatever, but then it didn’t seem like either of you cared that I wasn’t there, so I gave up. Ended up befriending Hyeongjun,” you told your side of the story. Guilt filled Jiseok’s stomach. He supposes him and Seungmin did get caught up doing quote unquote bro things and by the time they realized they were leaving you out you were already gone.

“You’re right it-” Jiseok begins to speak. 

“Look, it's fine. If it didn’t happen I wouldn’t be friends with Hyeongjun and I can’t imagine my life without him, so let’s just let it be in the past,” you tried to end the wound poking conversation. Jiseok finds discomfort in his stomach at the declaration that you can’t imagine your life without Hyeongjun. He knows that he’s your best friend. Any best friend would say that they can’t imagine their life without their best friend. Yet he also doesn’t like how the image of you putting your hand on Hyeongjun’s shoulder flashes through his mind or how Hyeongjun was known for not being a touchy person, yet he never shied away from your touch. He was jealous. 

“It sounds like the zombies are gone,” he notes, changing the topic. He’s right, the rocking of the storage cabinet you two were hiding in stopped and you could hear the sounds of zombies roaming outside but not in the nurse's office.

“Let’s get the curtains and get out of here then.” You pull away from Jiseok and open the cabinet door. You’ll blame missing the feeling of his warmth on your dingy p.e. uniform that provided you with little warmth. Jiseok can’t think of anything to blame for missing the feeling of you close other than he liked having you close. He likes having you so close that he could feel your heartbeat.

The curtains are collected and messily folded in Jiseok’s arms while you carry the purse you filled with snacks. The venture back to the classroom almost feels like you walked through a fog because after vacating the nurse’s office the next thing you remember is the feeling of Hyeongjun’s arms pulling you into a hug. 

“Are you ok? We heard a lot of noise that sounded like it came from the nurses office and you two were gone for so long I started to think that I lost you and I-” Hyeongjun messily rambled. 

“I’m ok Hyeongjun,” you affirmed, hugging him back. 

Jealousy, that was indeed the discomfort Jiseok felt in his stomach. The tinge he felt in his chest, in his heart were the feelings he has for you. It hits Jiseok as he watches the hug you and Hyeongjun share. Suddenly he feels like he wants to throw up, as if all his repressed feelings for you were bubbling up to the surface. Because maybe all those years ago when he wanted to be friends with you and Seungmin it was actually him wanting to be closer to you. Oh how he terribly messed that up. 

Hyeongjun and you part from your hug. The familiar feeling of eyes on you caused you to turn your head. Once more you find Jiseok staring at you. His eyes widen slightly as you catch him. He clears his throat and practically marches over to the window with the curtains. 

“We got them!” he announces to the group of guys above. 

“What took you so long we were getting worried!” Seungmin called out. Jiseok and you exchange looks, recalling the events that happened in the nurse’s office just moments ago. 

“Sorry, we’re ok. I almost became zombie food, but y/n saved me,” Jiseok told. 

“Y/n saved you?” Seungmin, Jungsu and Gunil and chorused in surprise. Jooyeon and Hyeongjun also wear matching looks of shock at the news.

“Let’s just tie the curtains together,” you quickly say. 

Once the curtains were tied it took a few attempts before you guys were able to toss them up the upper floor, but somehow you managed to do it. Now the four of you stared at the makeshift rope of curtains.

“Who wants to go first?” Jooyeon questioned, clearly not wanting to be the one to test out the durability of the curtains. All of you exchange looks with one another. When you lock eyes with Jiseok your heart begins to beat faster and it feels like the open classroom you’re in is too small.

“I’ll go first,” you volunteer. Wanting to get away from whatever feelings were developing in your chest. You approach the window and grasp the curtain with shaky hands and begin your  ascend to the second floor. 

When you reach the second floor two hands reach out in front of you to help you in. One belongs to Seungmin and the other belongs to Jungsu. You chose to grab Jungsu’s. His was closer, you reasoned. Didn’t have anything to do with old wounds getting reopened. The other three safely made the climb up to the second floor. Jiseok and Seungmin share a brotherly hug at their happy reunion.

You used to think that an apology was all that you needed. Now though, as you watch Jiseok and Seungmin hug. You realize maybe you held a lot of repressed hurt that you covered with hatred. Maybe you always wanted to hear their side of the story, but were too afraid that the answer would be that they didn’t care to be your friend anymore. Maybe you did leave them first because you were scared of being disregarded. 

“Did something else happen in the nurse’s office?” Hyeongjun quietly asked you, noticing how you were looking at Seungmin and Jiseok. You pull your eyes away from them to look at Hyeongjun. 

“Jiseok almost died,” you told the part of the story that everyone already knew. 

“Yeah?” Hyeongjun looked at you to continue. You leaned closer to his ear to whisper the rest. 

“And he said the only thing he could think about was how he never apologized,” you informed. Hyeongjun’s eyes widen, eyebrows rising with them. 

“He apologized?” he inferred. 

“Yeah…he did,” you say. 

“Are you ok?” he checks on you. 

“I don’t know,” you reply honestly. “I think I need to talk to them though. I think we have a conversation that’s long overdue.” Hyeongjun nods understandingly. 

“I’m here whenever you need me,” he reminds you. 

“I know, thank you,” you nod, giving him an almost imperceivable smile. Your eyes wander back to where Seungmin and Jiseok stood to find them already staring at you and Hyeongjun.

Presently the larger group that consisted of the seven of you sat in a circle on the floor of the classroom. Thankfully for you this classroom was warmer than the science one, you could still feel the cold creeping on your skin though. The snacks you took from the nurse’s office had been passed around to everyone and you were currently discussing what the best plan would be to make it onto the school's roof. 

“We could try to take the stairs,” Jungsu suggested.

“But what if the door is locked?” Jooyeon countered. 

“There’s a ladder in the janitor's room that leads to the roof,” you disclosed. A perplexed look falls over everyone's faces. 

“How do you know that?” Hyeongjun asked you. 

“I used it once. It was last year Mr. Park asked me to go borrow a screwdriver from the janitor. When I entered the room the janitor said I had good timing saying that he needed an extra hand on the roof. I expected us to walk to the stairs but instead he started up the ladder and opened a hatch to the roof,” you told. 

“The janitor’s room is kinda far from here though isn’t it?” Gunil brought up. 

“Yeah, it’s in the back of the school by the library,” you nodded. 

“So the stairs are the safer route, but we don’t know if the doors are unlocked and the janitor’s room has a ladder that we know will lead to the roof, but it’s the riskier path,” Seumgmin concluded. 

“Or we could climb from the window again,” Jooyeon suggested. 

“Would you like to go first in doing that?” you challenged him. 

“Well..um..maybe not.” Jooyeon scratched the back of his neck. 

“Plus we don’t have anything to secure the curtains to either,” Jisesok added.

“If we could get one or two people on the roof to secure the curtain it’s not a bad idea actually,” Seungmin said. 

“Still we need to figure out how to get there,” you reminded. 

“Maybe we don’t need to walk through the halls,” Gunil says. 

“What do you mean?” you asked him. Gunil gets up and heads over to the window. The rest of you get off from your spots on the floor and follow him over to the window. Gunil opens up the window then points several classrooms over.

“If someone can get over to the drainage pipe they can use it to climb up onto the roof,” he explained. 

“I don’t know, that seems really sketchy,” Jungsu voices his concern. 

“Yeah what if they fall?” You all look down to see the zombies roaming around. One misstep and they’d be zombie dinner. 

“Two people can go. To look out for one another,” Gunil suggested. Glancing to the side your gaze meets with Jiseok’s. You remember the feeling of his arm wrapping around your waist and pulling you against him. The warmth of his breath across your face. The rhythm of his beating heart. Why did going with him not sound like the worst idea ever?

Jiseok recalls the feeling of your hand grabbing his. How you saved him from the vicious zombie that desperately wanted to taste his flesh. How you felt in his arms. The drumming of your heart against his chest. Could he hold you close again if he volunteered you and him to go?

“You and I can go then.” Seungmin’s voice broke whatever trance you and Jiseok were having. He was referring to him and Gunil. Jiseok feels a pang of disappointment resonate in him as he watches Gunil and Seungmin prepare to go out. 

As Gunil and Seungmin carefully ventured out the window the remaining five of you anxiously watched from the window. Breaths hitching with every step that they take. However when Jiseok takes a step back resulting in his back resting against your shoulder your breath hitches for a different reason. You should be shoving him away. Telling him to “Watch it!” Yet instead you say nothing, acting like you didn’t notice his sudden contact. 

Jiseok is also surprised when you remain silent. He was also expecting you to shove him away and shouting some comment. He briefly looks over his shoulder to try and gauge your reaction. Only to see that your eyes are trained outside of the window watching as Gunil and Seungmin make their way onto the roof. There’s no way you didn’t notice though, so how come you were acting like you didn’t? 

There’s no time for Jiseok to question you because soon enough you are making your second ascent up the makeshift curtain rope, this time climbing onto the roof. By the time you’re all settled on the roof the sun is beginning to make its way down to the horizon. Once more you are reminded of your p.e uniform feeling the temperature dropping. 

“Here,” Hyeongjun offers you his uniform jacket seeing how goosebumps prick your skin. 

“Thanks,” you tell him, slipping your arms into the sleeves. 

Jiseok eyes darken as he sees you in Hyeongjun’s jacket. Jealousy conjured up in his stomach once more. That should be his jacket you're wearing. He wants it to be his jacket that you’re wearing. A smile pricks at the corners of his lips at the thought of you in his clothes. 

“What really happened in the nurse’s office?” Seungmin’s voice pulls Jiseok back. 

“What do you mean? I told you what happened,” Jiseok responded. 

“Then why are you glaring at Hyeongjun and not y/n?” he prompted. 

“What? I’m not,” Jiseok denied. 

“Dude you look jealous,” Seungmin told him. Jiseok sighs he knows that he’s been caught. 

“Ok, I apologized to y/n about taking you from her and I also realized some…things,” Jiseok tells. Seungmin feels some guilt bubble in his stomach at the mention of your once friendship. He also regretted how your friendship with each other ended. 

“Some things?” he pressed. 

“I like her.” It’s the first time he’s said it outloud. It makes the feelings he has for you feel more real. “I think I might have liked her since the beginning, but man I really messed that up,” he admits. 

“What are you gonna do?” Seungmin questioned. 

“I don’t know,” Jiseok replied honestly. “I should probably talk to her, but…” His eyes fall to where you and Hyeongjun are sitting together. “I never know how to go about that.” 

The moon replaced the sun in the sky. The stars twinkling brightly above as if nothing in the world had changed. Gunil and Jungsu laid passed out together. Jooyeon made himself comfortable on partially broken desks. Seungmin was sleeping facing the ledge of a wall. Hyeongjun was snoozing away beside you. He’s curled up into a ball almost like a cat. Then hear a bit of a shaky breath from him. Taking a closer look at him you notice that he’s shivering. A frown falls upon your face. You take off his uniform jacket that he had given you and drape it over his cold frame. Almost instantly you see him relax, snuggling into the warm fabric.

Next thing you know you feel the weight of something landing on your lap. You see that it’s a uniform jacket. Looking up you see Jiseok standing there. 

“Are you trying to catch hypothermia?” he scolded you. 

“He was shivering,” you justified. 

“Like you wouldn’t be.” He was right. You knew it was only a matter of minutes before you would lose to the cold crisp night air.

“I know it’s contaminated by my germs, but it’s better than freezing.” He takes his jacket from your lap to properly drape it over your shoulders. You instantly feel the warmth of his jacket, his warmth transfer to you. 

“I’ve been wanting to talk to you,” you tell him, pulling his jacket tighter around you.

“I have something to tell you too,” he says. The two of you stand up and walk over to the edge of the roof. 

“What did you want to tell me?” he asked you. 

“I guess I’ve come to realize some things,” you started. Jiseok can feel his heart pick up, waiting for you to continue. “You said that before you knew what was happening I was gone. That I was laughing with Hyeongjun. I guess that that could be possible. I think I actually did leave you and Seungmin first,” you say. 

“No, you’re right. We were leaving you out, but I swear it wasn’t on purpose,” he promised you. “We really did just get caught up in doing guy things and by the time we realized that we were leaving you out, you were gone.” 

“I could have told you two how I felt though. That I felt left out, but instead I just pulled away because I was scared that if I talked to you guys you would say that you didn’t want to be friends with me anymore,” you untangled. 

“Why would we not want to be friends with you anymore?” Jiseok looked at you with confused and almost hurt eyes. 

“Cause you two looked so complete without me. I remember it was a day the two of you went to see a movie I had no interest in together. I guess you guys decided to stop for ice cream together afterwards. I happened to see that. I walked past the ice cream shop. I saw you both sitting at a table eating your ice creams and laughing. It seemed like you two didn’t miss me at all. No one would have guessed that there was a third friend who was missing. Just seemed like you guys didn’t need me,” you finally came clean after so many years, too many years. 

Jiseok recalls the day that you’re talking about and he can’t imagine the pain you must have felt. Seeing your two friends having fun without you. Like it didn’t even matter that you weren’t with them. Like they didn’t want you. 

“I’m so sorry y/n,” he apologized. He reaches out for your hands and you let him hold them. 

“It felt like you two were leaving me behind, so I figured I’d leave first instead of being abandoned.” Jiseok squeezes your hands. 

“We weren’t leaving you behind. Cause you know I have also realized some things,” he tells you. 

“What things?” you asked. 

“I approached you and Seungmin because I wanted to be closer to you. And I hate how close you and Hyeongjun are. I want to be a person you can’t imagine your life without. I want you to wear my clothes.” He lets go of one of your hands to briefly tug on the cuff of his jacket. “I’m jealous over how close you and Hyeongjun are.” He pauses for a second preparing for his next words. “I’m jealous because I like you,” he confessed. 

You can feel your heart rate pick up and for the first time in a while it’s not because of any zombies. It’s because of your own feelings, your feelings for Jiseok. 

“I hate that I don’t hate being so close to you,” you take a step closer to Jiseok. Moving your hands to hold his elbows. Jiseok feels his heart race. “I hate that I felt safe when you wrapped your arm around me in that storage cabinet.” You take another step closer to him. “I realized that the main reason why I hated you was to distract myself from the pain I felt over losing Seungmin to you. After you apologized my head felt like such a mess because I didn’t hate you anymore.” you state. 

“If you don’t hate me then?” he hesitantly asked, not wanting to get overly hopeful. You trail a hand up his chest to rest over his heart, feeling the way it beats against your palm. 

“I want to be close to you.” You don’t know what the future holds. You don’t know if you will survive this zombie apocalypse, yet as you feel his heartbeat you somehow feel like it’s all you need. That whatever happens you’ll be ok, as long as your hearts are beating. “I want to be with you.” 

~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~

The morning sun rises, lighting up the school rooftop you’ve seeked refuge in. 

“It must really be the end of the world,” Seungmin says as he, Gunil, Jungsu, Jooyeon and Hyeongjun stare at you and Jiseok sleeping together. You’re tucked into his side lying on his chest as he has his arm wrapped around you. 

“You know what they say love and hate are two sides of the same coin,” Jooyeon states. 

“Ok it really is the end of the world. Jooyeon is being psychological,” Hyeongjun chimed. 

“Hey! I can be very psychological. I just don’t get many opportunities to be,” Jooyeon firmly declared. 

~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~<3~

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