guidance

But there’s still the external hard drive with 500 gb of everything that I can’t let go. Photos of her, photos of us, photos of him and them. Words only they had ever told me. People in time only I’d ever known. Moments. Beautiful moments I got to see. 

I can’t let go. 

Never completely. 

But I have to leave it all behind. 

New beginnings are my thing. Self-cleanse. From zero. 

Life is worthwhile for moments like those. I mean it really is quite unique, you know, to have these specific individuals with their specific thoughts, experiences, and idiosyncrasies sharing these moments with you. It’s completely precious and I think that it’s important that I store it some place nice in my soul and carry it wherever I go. 

Then there are my friends who I think I love. All their faces and all of those moments.... I think again that it’s this which makes life worthwhile. A young man and his little sister growing up in a house. She’s learning and looking up to him. And he has his doubts you know like all of us do, but she’s young and she doesn’t realize yet how unsure and lost he really is. But for her, he represents home and foundation and comfort. I like that. I like seeing my friends become their own, establishing their own place in the world and making decisions that they’ve never made before. 

Other friends are more lost than ever and I kick myself for it. In a way, I could have prevented it or pushed them in a different direction. Instead, out of fear or just plain willful ignorance, I let them follow these darker paths. I let them get angry and frustrated at their lives. I let them lie stagnant instead of pushing them forward.... I discriminated. 

There was someone else I did push. I wanted desperately for him to find some kind of stability. Because in his case I did see the ruin in his future and I did what I could to prevent it, but at least for now it feels like it didn’t really lead to anything. He’s still where he started although with a little more experience and hopefully a vision of something more. 

I should have pushed both of them though. I should have done that instead of messing around with my same old addictions. By pushing one I abandoned the other. I made it seem like he was worth more than the other guy. 

And then there’s Melinda, who I actually find myself more attached to than I want to admit. I’ve already made my decision. No going back. But it’s hard to not want to fall into her world. 

I must move on. Towards something new. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8ib5AdrOgY

Overriding wisdom. 

beyond all ideas of right and wrong there is a field

i will be meeting you there

Until eventually I can’t do it anymore. 

What I need is a jolt. I need to faint. I need to be reawakened. And it needs to be serious. Because right now. I can’t bite into anything with any crunch. Just soft bread. ennui bread. 

There are only two days left for me working in that place. And like at the end of every chapter in my life, my soul is elated. I’ve felt so pure. They all know how to make a person feel worthwhile. Life is worthwhile and I’ve found it’s because of people. They’re the ones that make it worth living. And we can do the same for them. That’s very important too. Make sure they know, they are appreciated. Human beings gain their power that way. It’s our fuel. Just as important as food and water. Without people’s love, we wither and die. 

I’m going to continue trying to push forward. Forward. That’s where I will forever be headed. Well, maybe not always.... There are moments, I’d sure like to visit them again. I wish I could see you again. And you. And you. And you. And you. And you. And you two. And you. And you. 

I’m sorry everyone. I can be better. I just.... wish I could be. 

I see the orange street lights again. The air is icy cool, but the breeze is silky smooth. I’m enveloped in a veil of silver mist. I’m riding a bike down towards another chapter. Down a hill. I don’t need to pedal for a while. The road is leading the way. Intermission. 

Cindy’s crying. I can’t remember if I hugged her or not. But I remember thinking about all the times I wish I did hug when I was in situations like that before. 

I’ve got this thing where I can’t touch people. It’s a trust thing. I need to know for sure, for sure for sure, that the recipient is 100 percent okay with me touching them. Because touch is a big deal for me. That’s acting physically upon someone else. When people touch me, it burns. I shudder. But I just smile and keep my cool because I know they don’t know any better. I don’t say anything or make anything of it. Just deal with the burning shoulder, the pat on the back, the hand shake for social convention’s sake. I keep this secret from most of the world, but I make sure, damn sure, that I don’t do the same to other people just in case they happen to be potential touchphobes like me. Buyt getting permission is hard sometimes. Asking directly “can I hug you?” almost takes the healing powers away from the gesture. Although, I guess I’m rather thankful when people ask me that question. But Cindy’s crying. And my mother was crying beside me at her mother’s funeral. Fortunately, at that event, my cousin was there to hug her. Kinda made me look bad in front of all the extended relatives, but that’s how it goes for a touchphobe. 

Although Cindy crying now is different. We’re alone just the two of us and it’s late. And she just confessed something really sad, something that sounded so pathetic and sad that hearing herself say it has draw her to tears and crying. I gotta do something. She’s cold. But I’m freezing. I can’t do anything. I can only watch her like a prisoner behind bars in despair. 

Whether I hugged her or not that night, I watched her long enough to think long about it. I hope I gave her a hug. I hope I made absolutely sure she wanted that. 

I’m afraid all the happenings in my life that I hold dear will be buried deep beneath the sands of time, unfathomable, unreachable, they’ll become. Never again remembered. Maybe never happened. 

I sit here afraid. This is the second time I feared for my life in this class. I loathe Econ because it seems to justify all of man’s most terrible qualities. The first time I feared for my life in here, a young man was touching himself in the seat in front of me. His complete disregard for social norms scared me. If he could disregard that social rule what else could he do? Now the threat is likely much less severe. A young man stands behind me. Directly behind me. And I sit in the very back. He hasn’t done anything really to alarm, but I’m terrified nonetheless. My back temples, my spine is exhausted from the tension. I await the bullet to my brain.

To my family. Please do something good for the world. Please question everything you can. Be very careful. DO NOT WASTE TIME. But don’t be in a hurry either. Take it easy on yourself when you need to. That’s important. Forgive people. Adapt to people. Some people can’t change. Some people have been hurt so bad it shows in their behavior and character. Be patient and gentle with them. If you find people that disagree with you, try and understand them. Understanding is your strongest weapon. If you can understand people, you are invincible. I love you. Yes, you. Please rise.

Irrelevant Quote:

“Turn around it’s time for you to slowly let these changes make you more holy and true. Otherwise you just made it complicated for nothing.”