Julie's safe place

“I should go,” I promoted, as if on command from hearing those words I felt that sigh that escaped his lips, sending shivers through my body.

“Or you could stay,” he suggested, the last word in a much higher tone than the rest of the sentence.

“Real funny,” I prevented myself from rolling my eyes, running a hand up and down his nape, brushing his hair, like a burst of fire, “everyone’s going to be up soon,”, his arms did not move from around my body.

I turned my head slightly to kiss the side of his head before moving my hands to tickle him. Whilst Fred was not extremely ticklish the fact that he couldn’t make much sound if he didn’t want to wake his roommates and therefore invertedly exposing the pair of us he’d give in fast.

Before I could even make my move he knew, he shook his head, “If you must leave, I suppose you must,” he sounded deflated but let me go using the duvet to snuggle up to instead.

“I’ll see you later?” I asked looking back to him as I threw my robes around my pyjamas he smiled and nodded.

“Missing you already,” he said sitting up, leaning his upper body on his back hands, his naked chest making me want to jump right into bed.

“We literally have first lesson together,” I said shaking my head and getting my other shoe on. In response to this he shuffled to the edge of the bed and was right in front of me as I lifted.

“Yeah I guess, but I can’t do this then,” he leaned forward and kissed me, the fingers of the hand he had on my waist digging in, all my senses were reduced to the two places where his body connected with mine. He was like a charm and curse at the same time.

After pulling away I watched him lie back down taking hold of the quilt in place where I should be and smiled before I was out the door heading back to my own shared room in near darkness. 

Fred Weasley had been shamelessly and loudly flirting with me for over a year before anything happened between us, I had overheard George and Lee tell him he had no chance with me, but I enjoyed the routine we fell into. He was relentless but always quick-witted and charming, it had become a game.

It was at the beginning of the year as Gryffindor were celebrating the start of the school and the announcement of the new Quidditch team, the common room was packed with students dancing and drinking and talking, the air filled with ease and joy.

I had my fourth glass of fire whiskey and decided it was a good idea to go for a little wander through the corridors, running my fingers over the walls, more than once had I found a hidden room or triggered some kind of magic that revealed hidden treasures and mysteries.

“You trying to score a detention in the first week?” a voice echoed behind me, I had known someone was following me, perhaps I even had a good idea who, but he had not spoken until I was a floor up and down another two long corridors surveying a panting of a man and his wife gazing out at fields of crops.

“You’ve already managed three I need to catch up,” I replied still keeping my gaze ahead of me, he let out half a chuckle and from the corner of my eyes I watched him take a step towards me, “You’re quite observant,” I added.

This actually got a chuckle from him, “I’ve got to have more going for me then being the class clown,” he was stood next to me now, shoulders almost touching, he too was now gazing up at the painting, the gold frame glowed from the few torches that lit the corridor. 

“No matter where we are your eyes always find me” I let the statement into the air between us.

“Well, you have something magnetizing about you, more than just being the most beautiful girl in all of Hogwarts obviously,” I turned to face him now, looking up told me he wasn’t expecting me to turn yet, he was blushing.

“Be careful or I might actually think you’re flirting with me for more than sport,”

“And what if I am?” these words came out quieter, unusual for Fred, but there was something some captivating about it and also dangerous, I wanted him to keep talking.

“That would break many hearts in the castle I’m afraid,”

“And how would it make you feel?”

The air of playfulness stretching thin as something else began to form, clawing at the space around us, I swallowed down. Many of the guys at Hogwarts and outside of it tried to charm me, and it wasn’t that I was opposed to dating, I’d had a boyfriend before and I kissed a couple of irrelevant guys at parties, it was more a fact that they wanted to be able to gloat that they went on a date with me or kissed me or whatever. I hated that. I was tired of it.

Still against my better judgment I said  “I guess it makes me feel restless waiting for you to kiss me,” I put the dare out into the universe, tempting fate and him, I did want him to kiss me, it was quiet, the moon was hanging brightly in the sky, the common room was full of excitement and the potential of the year ahead. Screw the consequences, I deserved a little fun.

Fred looked taken aback at first, then his eyes roamed my face freely, he brought his hand up to my chin, his thumb running over my bottom lip.

“Who’d have thought, years of flirting and teasing but when the chance comes to kiss me you’re feeling rather pensive and patient,” I laughed, but before I could finish his lips were on mine, his hands were wrapped around my waist and he was pulling me close to him, our bodies colliding flush.

It was feverish, my hands tangled in his hair, him pushing me against the wall next to the painting I had just been observing. As fast as his lips left mine they found the space on my throat next to my ear, a sound escaped my lips before I could prevent it and I could feel Fred smile against my skin.

I lowered my hands to place them on his chest, clutching onto the white shirt he was wearing, his red and gold tie hanging loosely. There was no denying, Fred Weasley was good at snogging and having to think about the fact that he has kissed other girls before creates a pit in my stomach.

Then there was a sound round the corner, we pulled apart quickly, both pretending to be gazing thoughtfully at painting on opposite walls.

“Get back to the common room troublemakers before you get caught by someone who will punish you,” Nearly Headless Nick announced and just like that he was gone again, having floated up to the next floor, but not before he could look between the two of us and sending me a wink.

I looked back at Fred, his shirt pulled out his trousers, tie basically falling off, hair sticking out each and every way and I couldn’t help the laugh that escaped me, he looked confused at first then too burst out into this larger than life, filled laugh. We both drifted towards each other, as he leaned down to kiss me again I complied whilst simultaneously brushing down his hair and fixing his tie.

“I think we ought to head back, before Angelina notices I’m missing, your fan club in probably looking for you too,” I said and I could see the disappointment on his face, so I lifted onto my tip toes and kissed him once more before walking away. I couldn’t hear him follow, wordlessly he knew to wait.

After that night every time our eyes met, whether in the common room, the Great Hall or in class my mind flashed back to the kiss, to the hunger of it, the magnetic pull as though it was a vivid dream occurring right there and then.

I wanted to kiss him again, I wanted to be kissed by him again. From the look of his eyes and fleeting moments where our hand or arms brushed against each other I knew he was thinking the same thing.

That’s how and when I started to sneak into his room when it was empty- which was rare so that quickly turned into sneaking in at night after everyone had gone to sleep. We kissed and cuddled and talked and whispered and laughed.  Still the first thing I said to Fred that first time was that this was all I was in the position to give- nothing more and that I would leave if that wasn’t enough for him, he just kissed me.

“You’re enough for me,” he said between kisses, “more than enough,”.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Two days later, it was the day of the third quidditch match of the season, Gryffindor’s first game, it being  mid-December and cold, we were wearing a fair amount of layers as we walked to the Great Hall for lunch before heading to the pitch.

“Y/n you want to wear my quidditch sweater to the game today?” Fred’s voice boomed as he walked down the side of the table, some students looked right to him, most though were used to his behaviour, “it’ll keep you warm and you can show your support for your favourite quidditch player, the price is a simple kiss,” he finished as he was stood next to Katie, Angelina and me.

“Keep dreaming Weasley,” I said simply and to the point before turning back to the other two continuing the conversation we were in the middle of, Katie was seeing some new guy and refusing to say who it was.

“You’ll fall for my charm yet,” he answered back being egged on by his twin and their best friend Jordan Lee, who both told him he needed to get better lines if he was hoping to land a chance with me.

~

“Hey!” I started shouting before a hand was laid over my mouth and I was met eyes with a red head who had an excited smile on his face. He had pulled me into the Gryffindor quidditch changing rooms. When he knew, I wasn’t going to shout out anymore he took his hand away.

“You played well today,” I said, they had won against Ravenclaw by 200 points, a good way to start the season, Harry masterfully captured the snitch of course, but even so Fred and George worked brilliantly today, the cheers had been louder than ever, Lee couldn’t contain himself in the commentary box.

He was still wearing his quidditch uniform, “You reckon?” his voice was quieter now, though not quite a whisper, his body was close to mine.

“Stop fishing for compliments your ego is big enough,” I said lacing my arms around his shoulder, he pulled me closer by my waist.

“What did you say to get away?”

“That I forgot my gloves in the stands, you?”

“Sneaky, I spent ages talking to Hootch about some rule I made up saying I heard that it was going to be implemented internationally, she was less than pleased, and even more so she was dreadful to listen to,”

“And you put yourself through all that trouble for me?” I batted my eyelashes at him jokingly.

“Well worth it,” he confirmed before kissing me, then he was backing up until he could lower himself to the bench behind him. I followed in his steed lowering onto his lap before looking around the room.

“I’ve never been in here before,” I said, “though I suppose it’s not far different from any changing room you’d expect,”

“You’d really rather talk about the architecture and furnishing of this room right now?” he said using his thumb and forefinger to bring my back to face him.

“Oh sorry did you have something else in mind?” I asked innocently, brows raised.

“Well actually,” he started in a very serious tone, “I think we need to discuss the first war in the wizarding world to better understand our heritage,”.

At this completely serious topic I couldn’t help but laugh, and mine set off Fred who too couldn’t hold it together.

“That’s my favourite sound,” he said after we’d calmed down and a stillness settled over the room.

I couldn’t help but roll my eyes, “No need to butter me up anymore I’m here aren’t I?” I said half-jokingly, and for a second, I could swear something flashed over his face, but before I could identify the emotion it was gone, “shut up and kiss me,” I prompted. He complied happily. 

After a few minutes Fred changed back into some normal clothes when I stated we should probably head back up to the castle before we were missed, dinner was soon.

“Think I might have to find a way to charm the whole school frozen for a couple of hours so that I can have you all to myself,” he mused watching me as I opened the door to the changing room we agreed I’d leave first and he’d follow after, “and so we didn’t have to do this stupid leaving one at a time thing,” he said before kissing me on the forehead as I headed out the door.

Angeline asked me what took so long so I proceeded to make up a fable about how one of the gloves was still on the bench but the other must have fallen and with how quickly it had gotten dark it took me a good minute to find it, she let it slide and started talking about something she and Katie overheard the third years talking about as we made our way to dinner.

Fred was already there sat with his friends and siblings; he shot me a quick wink.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“Fred you should stop trying, it’s getting embarrassing now,” Lee said bumping shoulders with his friend.

A small smirk appeared on the side of my face as I turned away from them and walked towards my next lesson chatting away with Angeline and Katie.

“Come on Y/n when are you finally going to give him a chance?” Katie asked as we entered an empty corridor.

The girls must have registered the confused look on my face because Angelina quickly piped in “I mean the twins are quite good looking,” she started counting on her fingers, “and charming, and tall and funny and-” but before she could list another thing she snapped out of it.

Brow raised I turned to face her, pink covering her cheeks, “Careful Angelina it sounds like you might have a thing for one of the troublemakers” I teased, and she brushed her hair behind her ear.

“Oh my Merlin she totally does!” Katie exclaims excitedly digging her nails into my arm as she starts jumping up and down to Angelina’s lack of denial, her dark hair flailing around the place.

“I may have a little bit of a thing for George,” she said and a bright pink blush spread across her cheeks, to her failed attempts of stopping it a smile stretches on her lips, “and so I think if you gave Fred some time of day maybe I could get in with George,” she explained and I wanted to laugh at the irony. I may not be giving him much time of my day but he was getting enough time of my nights.

I turned to her earnestly, “You don’t need my help to get George, you’re beautiful and smart and funny,”

But she was gazing at me now with puppy eyes, “ Yeah and we’ve been on the Quidditch team together for ages and I don’t think he’s ever thought of me as more than a friend, please get Fred to put in a good word for me,” she pleaded and I couldn’t deny her, what I wouldn’t do for her.  

“I’ll see what I can do,” I said in defeat.

“Ah I love love” Katie gleamed.

A couple nights later after I settled into Fred’s bed and his arms I told him that I may know someone who had a thing for his brother, he perked up immediately curious to know.

“That is quite brilliant, he’s had a thing for her for ages, but unlike me he just stares at her across the room or watches in awe as she plays Quidditch cause he didn’t wanna risk messing anything up if she didn’t feel the same but now I can hint at him,”

“So now we’re matchmakers, look at us,” I laughed.

“We make a good team,” he replied still laying on his back staring at the ceiling, I circled my fingers around his chest, my head and hand rising and falling with the rhythm of his breathing, his heart beating systematically, calmly.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

One thing I hated to admit was that Fred was quite skilled at magic, “I need your help,” I told him as I spotted him leaning against a pillar talking to Lee and George. The day was beautiful, the sun and greenery of the courtyard almost enticing enough for me to ditch the potions homework that’s due tomorrow.

Lee and George exchanged slightly amused looks. It’s not like Fred and I ignored each other’s existence outside of the stolen moments and nights we shared, but it was nice to have those times just for ourselves, so we hung out here and there in wider groups.

“Sure, what’s up?” he asked immediately pushing away from the stone arch, now at his full height I lifted my head to look at him lips pushed together as I did not want to admit I needed help with homework in front of the other two, they are awful gossips.

“Gosh Fred so eager,” George teased.

“Careful Y/n you’re getting him too excited!” Lee laughed and I couldn’t help but chuckle, Fred raised his middle finger towards them, his other hand landing on my lower back as he guided me away from them, when he wasn’t paying attention, I turned my head around with a smirk and sent them a wink. That’ll be a fun one for Fred to scrape his way out of. They let out hollers and whistles gathering the eyes of the other students.

When we got into the library, I led him to the very back and took a seat on the floor leaning my back against the tall brown shelves.

“This is not definitely what I thought you had in mind,” Fred confessed as he sat down across from me.

I rolled my eyes, “Firstly I would never approach you so blatantly for something like that and you know it,” we passed each other enchanted notes on which the script could only be seen by us, or communicated purely with facial expression if we were in a corridor, or as I had done one time when I’d learn to make myself appear invisible for a moment I leaned out of one of the closets on the sixth floor and pulled him in, “Secondary I was not about to ruin your bad boy, idiot reputation,” I said he feigned in mock offence.

“You wound me,” I hadn’t even noticed that one of his hands found themselves very near my knee, his fingers lightly grazing my skin, I let him, “So why would your request ruin my reputation?” he posed the question.

“I cannot figure out these potions, or how they’re supposed to connect to be exact,” I explained as I searched my bag pulling out the series of parchment I had notes written all over.

Fred’s mouth was actually hanging open when I looked back up to meet his gaze, I smacked his arm, “You’re admitting I’m smarter than you,” his voice was elevated, “I wish I could bottle you saying that”

“I never said smarter than me,”

“But you admit you think I’m smart,” he wore a face of genuine pride under the cockiness.

“Fred I never thought any differently, you may hide behind it your theatrics and charm and knack for antics, but you are really smart, I don’t know anyone who could come up with such creative ideas of magic and make them work, even if it’s for something like prank products,”

“Careful that sounds like a compliment, I might actually start thinking you like me,” he warned, looking around exaggeratedly, “am I being pranked right now?”.

“Are you going to help me or not because I’m sure Cormac will if you don’t,” I knew that would strike a nerve, he shot me a face of disgust.

“You wouldn’t,” he moved closer a determination behind his voice.

“Try me,” I whispered, our faces were now close enough that if either of us leaned slightly forward our lips could touch. I try to slow my breathing, but my body is working against me, the idea of kissing him right now seems very alluring.

Neither of us move for a second.

He let out an exhale and leaned back avoiding eye contact for a moment, looking around aimlessly as if he was trying to pull himself out of some sort of trance. Moving his body he was lying on his side, head leaning against one arm, the other moving around the parchment around the floor scanning my notes.

I know he had already done this homework; I had seen it on his desk as I was leaving this morning. Still every student was assigned slightly different potions, Snape said it would all make sense during our next lesson. So I sat there watching Fred in silence, he was humming to himself, some pieces of hair fell onto his face, he bit the inside of his cheeks in thought, and I couldn’t pull myself away from looking at how good looking he was.

But it wasn’t like that kind of good looking you’d expect, he was slightly rough around the edges, a daredevil with experience, not scared of being himself through and through.

“Y/n,” my name pulled me back to reality, he was poking me with the end of my quill, “zoned out there, didn’t know my company was that boring,” he teased.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

He pointed down onto the page directly in front of him, to my list of potential ingredients to change the effects of the potion, he took the time to explain that the specific ingredient I noted down would throw off the balance of the entire potion which meant that everything I tested and wrote after that would be slightly off kilter. I nodded but let out a sigh, this was quite a setback, it would take me hours to reexamine the properties of the potion.

“Okay lets get started,” he said getting up, I gathered the pages off the floor and looked at him with an open smile.

We sat there for two and a half hours, taking a whole table with a series of books that were open, he drew some of the diagrams and I did the writing. After we were done it was already dark outside.

“Thank you for this,” I said as I packed the rest of my stuff into my bag.

“I’m the best I know,” he said running a hand through his hair as he rounded by and closed all the books.

I shook my head at his ego but smiled nonetheless, “You are,” I said, but he was already a few steps away going to put away the books so he didn’t hear, we then made our way back to the Gryffindor common room.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Angelina, Katie and I were sat at a table in the common, our herbology books spread out but we weren’t working we were chatting, Angelina was staring at George Weasley whom was now officially her boyfriend, and he was gazing back equal amounts.

“You let this happen, we’ve lost a good soldier,” Katie said saluting my way as we watched Angeline mouthing something to the Weasley twin, he was sat on the arm of one of the arm chairs, Fred sat in the chair and opposite was Lee.

After turning back towards us with red cheeks and a bright smile, “Don’t think I didn’t hear that, you’re no better, you’re dating mystery letter guy and still haven’t told us who he is!” the girl argued.

“Huh, I suppose, Y/n you’re the only good soldier left, hold tight,” Katie now saluted to me and I just shook my head flicking the page in one of the books even though I hadn’t read a single word on it. 

“Nuh-uh,” Angelina retorted grabbing Katie’s hand and pulling it down before turning back to me, “It’s time we found you someone, you’re a gorgeous, smart girl and with the Yule ball next year we can all have dates- I know there are people dying for you to give them a chance,” she urged and I just let my head fall backwards.

“Spit it out Angelina we all know who you’re referring to,”

“Fred is a great guy,”

“Ah I see the roles are being reversed,” Katie pitched in, “George asked you to hype Fred up to her, and now that you’re his girlfriend you kinda have to” she continued.

“Look no- okay maybe- yes,” she went through all the phrases, “but if you don’t want Fred there are so many other guys,” she continued.

Before I could make up another in a series of excuses the three guys had made their way over to us, “Hi babe,” George said forming his arms around Angelina’s shoulder and kissing her cheek.

What was unexpected was Lee going towards Katie, pulling her up by her arm and kissing her.

A series of ‘Oh my Merlin’ and ‘What the hell’ and ‘Katie!!!!’ escaped us.

She just squealed excitedly as they pulled away, “Feels good to finally be able to do that in front of everyone,”, Lee put his arm around her.

“Katie what the hell! Why didn’t you tell us your mystery man was amongst us all along, right under our noses,” Angelina prodded before turning to George accusatorily, “You didn’t tell me you rat,”.

“I swear I didn’t know!” he exclaimed.

This was actually happening, my worst nightmare was happening. All I could do was blink and hope it wasn’t really happening. Fred’s eyes have been trying to catch mine since they got to the table but I didn’t meet him halfway.

“What’s got your wand in a twist?” Katie asked turning to Fred, now I did look up at him and he looked rather unpleased.

“I, pretending to be him, with the help of Lee here set him up on a date tonight in the astronomy tower,” George said, “But it’s a surprise- I won’t tell him who it is,” he chuckled. Katie and Angeline looked at the other Weasley twin sympathetically, but trying to show some encouragement.

Fred shook his head slightly and smacked his brother across the back of his head, this quickly turned to the three guys running around the common room, wands out shooting pillows at each other, the first and second years trying to jump clear.

That night I wondered whether I should bother heading to Fred’s room

“I was scared you wouldn’t show,” his voice was a comfort in the dark, I could see his figure shift on the bed ever so slightly to make space for me.

“I wasn’t sure you’d be here,” I replied honestly as I took off my shoes setting down on the side of his bed and sitting facing away from him in the process.

He shuffled closer to me running one of his hands up and down my back, soothing my clearly sultry mood, “where was I meant to be?” he asked genuinely.

“Thought you might go see who George set you up on that date with,” I posed looking down at my hands.

He dropped his hand and leaned back putting them both behind his head as though he was about to tune into a sunbathing session on the sand, “Oh I already went, no one special,” he said.

I turned to him with my mouth open, “That’s not a very nice thing to say is it?” the words came out barely, a thousand different scenarios were being played in my mind, what did Fred wear to this mystery date? Who was the girl? Did he kiss her? Did they laugh and hold hands?

“For someone so smart you can be very thick sometimes,” he said as he suddenly pulled me down into him kissing my forehead before continuing, “I’ve been here all night waiting for you, this close to trying to sneak into your room, I don’t know who it was nor do I particularly care,” he stated in a manner-of-fact. Then he kissed me but it was too late, a weird feeling had settled down in my stomach.

“I told you, you’re more than enough for me,” he whispered, sleep lulled in his voice.

He fell asleep fast that night but I lay awake for most of it, watching him sleep, running my fingers around his chest and arms. He was so opposite of himself when he was asleep, so calm and peaceful and yet it was so distinctly him.

From that night onwards the guilt started eating away at me, Fred was a good guy, a great guy and he deserved someone that would give him everything, someone he could show off to his friends like George and Lee or take back home to the Burrow for Christmas and summer.

But I pushed it down, each day the irritating knowledge that I was being selfish grew a little more and justifying it by the fact that the time we spend together is enough for both of us, and it balances if not outweighs not doing this but I knew I was wrong. Since my best friends were now dating his inner circle we were together a lot more and I watched as he looked at his brother and best friend with my best friends, longing.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It was in May, a couple of weeks later, at close to midnight in the common room that was empty for anyone bar Fred and I, we were working on our essays for Binns, that I received the news that both my aunt and uncle were tortured and killed by Death eaters during a mission for the Order, the letter was delivered to me by Professor McGonagall.

“Sorry dear to interrupt your evening but I didn’t think this should wait until morning,” she said passing me the letter, confusion spread across my face but she left before I opened the letter.

Fred caught me as I read the words out loud, my body crumpling to the ground as if the floor was trying to swallow me whole, gravity pushing me down with the weight that had appeared at on my shoulders.

 He took the letter from my hand after I read it for the fifth time, it ended with my parents telling me not to worry, and he looped his arms around my waist grounding me. My body unconsciously began trying to mimic the breathing pattern of his, he was familiar, a pillar stood strong in a wreckage.

At least ten minutes must have passed before I was breathing properly, the tears in my eyes had dried and I could think clearly again. Being in his embrace made me feel warm and safe and so understood. The quiet of the room was lulling, that was until the portrait of the fat lady was thrown open and a pair of giggling fourth years burst in having been clearly sneaking around to get some alone time.

I had pulled away as quickly as though he was fire and I was mortified of getting burned, anyone would think we’d been caught doing much worse than hugging.

Their expression fell as soon as they saw us, almost curling into themselves they rushed past us, the boy kissed the girl goodnight on the check quickly before they both rushed up their respective staircases.

I turned back to Fred about to make a joke about the two kids, but he was already out of the portrait hole, I took the letter stashing it in the pocket of my robe and following after him, calling out loud enough for him to hear but not enough to get caught.

Finally, he stopped in an empty corridor and turned to look back at me, a series of variable emotions roaring on his face.

“Y/n we’ve been at this for months, actual months I can’t do it anymore, I don’t want to do this anymore” he started, I hoped that the look on my face didn’t mirror the stab that the words had in my stomach, I wanted to say something that would make it mutual, to make myself look less stupid, “I want to be yours, I want everything with you, not just be the guy who’s room you sneak into for a snog,” he conveyed.

If my face wasn’t a transparent screen to present my emotional state before I am sure it was now, “Fred this was never going to be more you knew that, I don’t-,” I whispered, I don’t know where the words came from, or why I had let them come to fruition, but they were out there now in the space between us. The atmosphere was not stale but dense.

“Are you telling me that every time we’ve talked, touched, hid away giggling and kissing it wasn’t real, that it didn’t mean a thing to you,” he looked exhausted all of a sudden, “That I didn’t mean a thing to you,” the way his voice cracked shattered something in my heart.

My chest was rising and falling faster with each breathe, I dug my teeth into my bottom lip, “Fred you know it wasn’t nothing, I care for you very much, you know me more than anyone else, we’re good, no scratch that, great friends,” I tried to reason.

He just let out a loud sigh shaking his head, hands on his hips, tilting his whole head up, I could have sworn his eyes were glistening.

“What did you think was going to happen?” I asked accusingly, I wasn’t perfect in this situation but I had told him what I was willing to give he did not have the right to make me the sole villain in the situation.

“I fancied you for at least a year and a half before that night in September when you finally gave me a moment of attention, I thought that you were nervous about relationships, weary but that you would build up some courage over time, see what we could have and-” he ran his hands through is hair leaving it all messy.

I shook my head, “That’s not fair,” a frown was orchestrated on my face now but I could burst into angry tears any moment.

“Life isn’t fair Y/n!” his voice sightly raised, desperate “Merlin, I even told George two weeks ago, so sure that we were close to making it official” now it was whisper, “you were right that night, this was a despicable idea, you and me,” he said with a note of finality and turned to go back to the common room. He had meant it to hurt.

The next few days were quiet, I was just sad, I didn’t like arguing with people, I liked talking things out coming to agreements but that was not the Fred way, his heart was always in it, he was courageous and would not sway in what he believed. He was hurt I knew that, I understood that, but I missed him and I thought he would come around in a few days but he didn’t do as little as look my way.

It was on Tuesday, two weeks later, that we heard crashes in the halls, Hermione, I and the Weasley siblings were all parading around the school patrolling the halls as Harry had instructed us to do before he left, it all started happening so quickly.

“Dementors have gotten into the school,” Ron shouted as he almost ran into us girls turning the corner, the panic on all our faces very real.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“Where is he?” I demanded practically shouting at poor Luna, she too looked worn out and fearful.

“He was hit with some kind of curse, the others took him to the hospital wing,” Neville stepped in front of Luna and answered for her, “He didn’t look too good,” he added, was it to warn me with about what I would face or to make me feel worse for shouting at the blonde girl, either way before more could be added I was rushing towards the hospital wing.

 “Please,” my voice was ragged, as if my screams were ripping each cell in every muscle, “Please Merlin no,” I begged, on repeat as I ran up the stairs to the hospital wing.

Pushing the foreboding, wooden doors as my whole body was in the process of shutting downs, knees weak, arms covered in cuts. All eyes shot to me when I made it onto the other side as if an eternity has passed. Still my brain was sending out the same chant as if it could undo what was done.

“Y/n?” George’s voice called out bare and brazen, as my eyes shot between everyone there gathered around the bed a couple of worried faces moved closer towards me revealing the only person I cared to see in that moment.

Now my knees gave out, head lulling sideways and more sobs escaped, my head was shaking, lowering to the floor in slow motion I analysed his body, covered in blood I was hoping was not his. Deep cuts on his arms and smaller ones across his face. He was so, so pale and frail. Weak.

Geroge was first at my side followed by Madam Pomfrey.

“He’s alive,” George said as he tried to help me up, “Weak but he’s alive,” he confirmed, that notion made the deathly heavy weight ligt of my chest slightly, still there was no guarantee, Neville was right he didn’t look good.

Madam Pomfrey said she needed to start tending to my cuts immediately to avoid any sort of infection, my body thrashed this way and that as I felt myself being pulled to the redhead lying unconscious in the bed.

At something the twin said Madam Pomfrey let go of me and I walked over blocking everyone who was watching. Mr and Mrs Weasley though confused let me approach their son.

I couldn’t help the sobs that escaped me as I neared, I grabbed his hand immediately kissing it and pulling it tight, “Please Fred,” I begged in whisper, “Please I cannot bare to be in this world without you,”.

Feeling the presence of arms enclosing around me, George had lowered herself to wrap his arms around me, he was the only one who knew about whatever this thing had been between Fred and I.

I don’t know how long I was at his side sobbing with George’s body holding me up but the time I was being urged up to get treated, my body propelled to one of the other beds for Madam Pomfrey to treat my wounds I was too tired to fight it.

Hermione was the one sat next to my bed when I woke up a couple hours later, she looks like she’d been crying. She explained that Mr and Mrs Weasley had left about an hour ago to deal with matters of the order, that Dumbledore was dead, and that the condition Fred was in could have been mine.

“He jumped right in front of you Y/n, your back was turned and the Death eater he-” but she couldn’t bring herself to recount the memory, “I thought Fred was just doing what anyone of us would do, saving a friend in need but now that George has explained the,” she seemed to be looking for the right word, “your situation it’s even more heartbreaking,” she concluded, the tap from which her tears arrived seemed to have renewed again.

Sitting up, ignoring the pain of the stings I pulled her into a deep hug, letting myself too shed silent tears.

That night I slept in the bed I was assigned, watching Fred two spaces away and across, his chest was rising up and down and up and down it was hypnotising, calming, yet no other part of him moved. Momentarily gone were the smirks, the jokes, the lame excuses.

The next afternoon I had been ‘discharged’ having been deemed well enough to return to the dormitories, but I left only during one of the lessons to sneak back to the dormitory unseen to change and came straight back to take a seat next to Fred’s bed.

Friends and teachers came in and out throughout the day, McGonagle had given me the pass, Hermione, Harry and Ron explained that there would be transport back to London after Dumbledor’s funeral which would take place in six days’ time.

The third day followed the same routine, Mr and Mrs Weasley returned to see their son again in the evening when most of the castle had settled for the night. Mrs Weasley pulled me into a tight embrace and it was as if another bit of the weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I had wondered if they blamed me for what has happened to their son, if he had not tried to protect me he wouldn’t still be lying unconscious, but perhaps not.

“I’m so sorry,” my voice cracked.

“War is a terribly difficult time, filled with the unknown, it’s important we look out for the people we love,” she said as she brushed her hands gently through my hair. When the rest of the siblings arrived to be with their parents and Fred I turned to wandering the surrounding corridors, never straying too far.

Day four passed without much progress. After saying goodnight to George and Ginny that evening I had started to panic, surely he should be awake by now, at least having opened his eyes, Madam Pomfrey insisted that he was getting better. Yes, he didn’t look as pale, and the cuts were fast becoming scars but I couldn’t see him, not passed that.  

I knew the headache was coming before I could feel it, the tears were forming in my eyes, but I sat and watched holding his hand. The candles in the room seemed to dim with instinct and the main source of light was the moon creeping in through the tall windows.

Eyes closed and half dozing off I caught myself saying the words I had been anxious to say out loud, “I’m sorry I was so stubborn, that I was too much of a coward to admit that it all meant more to me too,” I started and once I did it all came tumbling out.

 The rest of the beds in the room were empty, bar for a first year who got bitten by a plant that day, messing about with mates to keep themselves entertained “I was just so scared, you were never that serious type of guy, unless it came to your family, when we set up our arrangement, I begged myself not to fall for you and then I did and that meant there was so much more on the line,” I confessed, “and even when you admitted that you wanted more, that you cared more I was scared that the minute it became real it would crumble, like voicing a wish,” I opened my eyes then, “so many guys made me feel like I was just a trophy for their shelf of accomplishments, but that was never you, you saw me and that scared me more than anything, you are real”.

It was not as though I thought my confession would lead to Fred magically waking up but still another small part of my heart shattered as he laid there, my words hanging in the air, the thought he may never really hear them crushing something in me.

It was on the sixth day, the day before Dumbledore’s funeral, as I was dozing off, head laying next to his hand, body weirdly twisted in the hard chair to make myself somewhat comfortable, that he stirred. My whole body immediately jolting upwards, conscious to stay quiet, watching him.

His eyes slowly opened, though his sight must have been fuzzy as he squinted looking around. I could feel the tears freely streaming down my face, he was alive. Alive and awake. I signalled to George who was sat talking with the trio and Ginny next to Madam Pomfrey’s office.

The other’s followed his gaze and rushed over immediately. When I looked back to the frail boy in front of me his eyes were on me, “Y/n” it was so quiet, but it was his voice, one I thought I might never hear again.

“You fool,” I whispered back with a pained smile, shaking my head, thanking Merlin for saving him.

Madam Pomfrey reacted similarly, bringing her hands together, tears forming in the corners of her eyes, mumblings prayers and thanks. She pushed us all out of the way so she could get to him, she asked a series of questions including asking him how many fingers she was holding up.

Ginny fleetingly disappeared to get a message to her parents through McGonagle.

After Madam Pomfrey’s examination was complete and she was sufficiently happy with his state she let us back round the bed, he was wearing a smirk again on his face, always playing tough.

He was making jokes in no time, but I couldn’t laugh, the most my body could bare with to not burst into tears of joy was a smile. After catching Fred up on everything he had missed and George messing with him saying he found not being a twin quite freeing the last couple of days, he which he was punched in the shoulder by Ginny, ‘in the name of Fred’ as his body was still week, everyone left to go back to the common room at the urges of Madam Pomfrey.

I just needed a minute, just a moment alone with him.

“Fred,” was all I could say, what else? There were not enough words in the universe to express what I was feeling.

“It’s okay I heard everything,” he comforted, running his fingers over the side of my face sending shivers through my whole body. He may have been knocked out for days but he heard it all, he knew how many people had come to him, to be with him and take care of him, that warmed my heart.

“But the other’s, you just listened to them explain almost everything you’d already heard.” I pointed out confused.

“If they knew I they wouldn’t have stuck around that long and what can I say after being bored out of my mind in my own head I needed some entertainment and attention, they don’t need to know,” he winked.

There was a long pause then, we sat in the silence, looking around the room, at each other until I was brave enough to speak up.

“I wish things could have gone differently at the fight, that Death eater, he-,”

“He was a coward attacking someone when they had their back turned,” he finished the sentence, stubborn git.

“Well what can you do, some people are just evil” he brushed it off, “I’m okay,” he confirmed with that knowing look, “well mostly,” he added almost wincing.

My mind going into panic mode, “Why what’s wrong do I need to fetch Madam Pomfrey?” I was up immediately.

“I don’t think she can help with this one thing,” a smile was working its way onto his face, my brows furrowed, “I really want to kiss you right now, that would make me feel much better,” the absolute audacity of this boy. Though a small chuckle escaped my lips as I lowered them to meet his gently.

“I love you,” I whispered into his smile and kissed him again.

The way his facial expression was set you wouldn’t know that he’d ever been injured in the first place. “I love you too,” he conveyed and had already started planning what we’d do when I came to the burrow during the summer, he said that we wasted enough time sneaking around, we had catching up to do.

Rushed kisses and sneaky escapes with Fred Weasley was all that this thing between was supposed to be, but now I could not express how much more I wanted, how much more I needed, and glad that he still stood by the same point. That he forgave me and my fear, he was never like he others.

I rolled your eyes and bumped my shoulder into his, “I was going to say charming,” as it did in fact have its own type of charm “Still, she didn’t have to do that for me, it’s your guys’ home, it’s Charlie’s room,” I said coming out on the other side of the Fat Lady portrait

“She wants you to feel at home,” Ginny joined in from the sofa where her and Harry were looking through a magazine of the newest quidditch gear coming out later this summer.

“I mean we can repaint it if you want? I’m thinking some sickly green, the colour of those exploding bouncy balls we gave out to the first years, the first week” George laughed

“I will never forget McGonagle’s face,” Fred reminisced, little did the first years know they weren’t just going to be pranking the teachers by organizing a friendly game in one of the corridors, it was indeed a set up to spread the stickly, green goo that ended up covering McGonagle and took Filch a week to clean up.

“I will never forget that Professor McGonagle said she was impressed with the spell work,” I huffed flinging myself on the sofa next to Ginny and pulling her into a hug.

The Weasleys had basically become my family. I met the twins on your first day at Hogwarts and I was not scared to tell them what I thought of their lame pranks, they knew a lot more magic now and their pranks were much cooler, still I’d never admit that to them, or to the teachers that I helped with a few.

Whilst that first Christmas I stayed at Hogwarts telling my parents all the students did, and the first summer I returned home to my very normal muggle home and life, for most of every Christmas and every summer I lived with the Weasleys at Mrs Weasleys insistence.

The next evening in the common room I was quizzing Hermoine on spells for her next class assessment, I was sat at the end of the one of the red sofas she was on the armchair beside me. Fred was laying across the sofa, his head on my lap as he, Geroge and Lee discussed how they all failed in securing the herbs from Snape’s stash that they needed for their next prank.

I had absentmindedly started braiding Fred’s hair as the bushy haired girl got spell after spell correct, her face gleaming with a proud smile.

“When will you guys stop this façade and just admit you’re madly in love?” Ron asked as him, Ginny and Harry entered the common room

“I’d say they’re already together but trying to avoid all of the teasing,” Ginny added.

Harry came to rest of the armrest of Hermione’s chair taking the revision cards out of her hands and looking through them rather confused, “I don’t agree cause they’d be doing a really bad job of hiding and I know Y/n is a lot smarter than that,” Hermione inputted and we shared a smile.

“We are right here guys,” Fred said sitting up and touching the small braid placed in his hair, my hands fell to my lap.

I looked around at all our friends, “we’ve told you a million times we’re just really good friends,” I confirmed, Fred winked at me. I threw a pillow at him.

“Yes! I was joking, just friends!” he called out throwing the pillow at me, “when will you guys believe it?” he demanded.

“When you stop behaving like you’re in a long-term relationship,” Lee stated.

Geroge laughed, “You guys are too comfortable with each other, for all we knew you’re snogging each other around every corner when no one’s looking,” the other Weasley twin shrugged, it was so obviously meant to get a rise out of Fred who shot him a death glare.

Still Geroge stood up stretching his arms into the air as if he decided the conversion was over. Discussion closed and I was glad for it; it was tiring to keep fighting this argument. I have told Fred multiple times if he talked to him twin and George would stop joining in with the teasing that everyone would leave it alone but he has clearly not listened- not that that’s new.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It happened during the last Quidditch game of the season.

“You can’t all go in he needs to rest not be overwhelmed” Madam Pomfrey states in her stern tone watching all of us, to her defence there way six of us here demanding to get into the hospital wing, “fine, but only for a moment,” she gave in with a sigh and turning around to open the tall wooden doors.

There he laid in the middle bed on the right, a crooked grin on his face as he watched us come in, red hair stuck up in all sorts of angles.

“Georgie!” Fred shouted and then quickly added, “Sorry!” for shouting towards Madam Pomfrey who look one blink away from packing and leaving for a holiday.

“Only a couple of broken bones,” George states proudly, both his arms and legs  wrapped in what looks like tough bandages.

“Okay so mission capture Filch has got to be moved,” Fred denotes with that glimmer in his eyes, he never did stop scheming, cogs turning in his head at all times.

Hermione looks at the reunited twins with half a smile, “I’m not even going to ask,” she decided.

“For the best,” they reply simultaneously.

Ginny, who immediately jumped herself onto the bed causing a painful look to grace George’s face, on the other hand was very eager to know the plan, as were Harry and Ron. They started asking a series of questions but all the redhead twins did was shake their heads and pass knowing looks between each other.

I laid my head on Hermione’s shoulders as George, Fred, Harry and Ginny started recounting how the quidditch accident even occurred, but instead of starting from where the injury was about to happen they felt the need to start with moment they all walked out onto the pitch. Whilst I had an appreciation for the sport and enjoyed tracking the progress of the Hogwarts teams and as well as the pros I didn’t quite feel like listening to recount of a game I just watched so I hurried them along.

Thankfully I did for just when they finished the sped up version Madam Pomfrey came back over to kick us out, after pleading eyes from the twins she let Fred and I stay a little longer.

“We’ve never spent more than a couple hours apart Madam Pomfrey,” one of them said.

“We’ve got separation anxiety,” the other added.

I hid my mouth behind my palm to keep the escaping giggles undercover, this woman was far from stupid but she was also a very busy woman which meant she was wanted to rest too.

She looked towards me as an anchor to some sort of acceptable behaviour “Only another half hour,” her tone and sight pointed, and I quickly nodded dropping my hand.

When she stepped back into her office all the lights went off, we were free. So, we stayed a little longer than half an hour, at least two hours must have passed for George to fall asleep. I stood up from my seat on armrest of the chair next to the bed, standing next to the older red head that was sat in the said chair.

Even though George wasn’t badly hurt, his bones will grow back by tomorrow, we both knew this could be quite a painful process, as evident by the sweat beads on George’s forehead.  The unease was reflected in Fred’s face, whilst he was a master of jokes and coped a lot with humour there were moments to glimpse under the mask.

A sigh escaped me, and I stepped closer wrapping my arms around him. Standing between his legs he pulled me closer slivering his arms around my waist and letting out a deep breath.

“He’s going to be okay,” I said brushing my through his hair and down his neck.

“I know,” his reply defeatedly, muffled in my clothes.

We stayed like that for another few minutes but admittedly it was getting late and we had to be up in the morning for first lesson, “come on let’s head back to the common room,” I whispered, the silence was peaceful, a charm that I didn’t want to break.

When he stood up I looped an arm around his back, he looked at me, a grin playing on his lips as though some life returned to him “I haven’t done the potions homework,” he admitted. And that was our first lesson in the morning.

“Ah so that’s why you wanted to stay so long ,so you could get me to feel bad and let you copy, not because you were worried about your poor brother,” I teased pulling out of his grip.

He played off a mock offence, a hand to his heart, “how dare you!” he exclaimed when we got to the corridor.

I play punched him in the shoulder but before I could pull away he grabbed my arm and pulled me back to his side laying an arm around my shoulders, “You know I love you,” he said.

“Yeah whatever,” I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

Still, I handed him my copy of potions essay before heading up to bed, he ruffled up my hair in response before turning towards the other staircase, turning back to give me a wink. Everyone in the dorm was already asleep so I changed quietly and got into bed, thankful that I wouldn’t get the same questions and teasing about being more than friends with Fred.

Okay so maybe somewhere in the time of knowing Fred I had maybe developed some king of feelings for him but he was my best friend and his family had become my second family so that’s all it was going to be.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

I wasn’t nervous as we rode the Hogwarts Express back to London, I had been to the Burrow plenty of times, Hermione and Harry would be joining us in a week and a half and it’ll be like we’re all still at Hogwarts bar the actual lessons and assignment stress so actually just the fun side of it.

“Y/n dear!” Mrs Weasley greeted me on the platform, as warmly as her own kids, a bright smile on her face hair flailing around due to all the havoc of the platform.

After waving our goodbyes to Harry and Hermione we were off to the Burrow, all of us kids updating Mr and Mrs Weasley with stories about some of the crazy things that have happened this year, one of them being Fred and George only failing in like two classes rather than all of them, she looked pleased and shot me a wink, I would proudly take some of the credit.

After settling in and get ready for dinner I stopped beside the entry way to the kitchen.

“Mum you’ve got to stop butting in,” Ginny’s voice echoed.

“I know I know but I only want what’s good for them!” Mrs Weasley exclaimed.

“I know but I actually think you’re making the situation worse, they’ll get there if you stop putting pressure on it,” Ginny continued.

I heard the shuffling stop, “Since when are you this wise?” Mrs Weasley asked and I could image her daughters grin, “I have some pretty good role models around,” she replied.

“Are you ready to watch Fred be not so subtly questioned by our mother?” a voice said, I turned to watch George stop beside me, “did you know it was rude to eaves drop?” he continued.

“As if you’re some moral authority, this is literally your favourite pastime,” I jabbed back in a whisper.

“Yeah but at least I know how to hide it, you could be caught any moment, scratch that I just caught you,”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly planning on eaves dropping it just kind of happened,”

“What are they saying?” he inquired lowering down to my level and stepping closer to have better reach.

I elbowed him to move away from me, one more step and my not so good hiding place would be discovered.

Before I could answer Mrs Weasley’s voice called out, “Kids dinner is ready!” and I took the opportunity to after a second step into the kitchen and sweetly ask her if she needed any help. After putting out the plates we all sat around passing out the different plates of food and chatting.

Everyone was normal, the chaos was as expected, and it was just perfect. It was the funniest when Mrs Weasley started questioning the twins about whether anyone had caught their eye at Hogwarts to be met with same reply every year. There was so much love passed between each and every single one of these people.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

The summer was going blissfully we were now in the second week of August, most of the days filled the same as any, basking in the sun, helping Molly with chores, games in the evening, gossiping with Ginny and Hermione- between the three of us we could cover the gossip of every single year at Hogwarts.

It was the night of a particularly strange weather day, the morning started off very sunny which quickly turned into heaps of downpouring rain, then back to dry, grey fog and then as the evening settled the clouds cleared to showcase the pink and purple sunset.

Ron and Harry had been playing wizard’s chess in Ron’s room for the best part of the evening. Mrs Weasley and us girls were sat in the kitchen playing cards, Mrs Weasley was feeling rather sentimental as Ginny and I started egging on about how there is clearly something going on between Hermione and Ron.

“I mean the stolen glances!” Ginny say before placing down a card.

“Well aren’t you so much of a romantic Gin,” Hermione said, face in her cards she did not deny anything about her and Ron, Ginny and I already knew about her growing crush- which neither could us understand, still she placed her card down and  looked right at Ginny mischievously before turning to Mrs Weasley determinately.

“You’ll be pleased to here that someone has Ginny in their sights,” at this Mrs Weasley starts boasting, of course Ginny is incredibly smart and witty- having grown up with so many brothers bless her- and so beautiful. A knowing look passed between Mrs Weasley and Hermione then, Mrs Weasley knew who Hermione was talking about but at this point Ginny was dating Dean and had given up on her fantasises of Harry.

Then Mrs Weasley’s eyes found mine, she has had a couple glasses of wine making her even more inquisitorial, “And what about you gorgeous girl?” she asked placing a hand on top of mine moving my cards slightly.

I tip my hand back up, “Now Mrs Weasley are you trying to see what my cards hold?” I ask teasingly she huffs and brushes me off, I know she was genuinely asking, “No there is no romance for me at the moment,” I say rather upbeat in comparison to the faces I’m seeing from the other three women.

Placing my last card I end the game with my fifth win in a row, their voices blend into a cacophony of ‘Oh come on!’ and ‘For Merlin’s sake!’ and ‘I demand a rematch!’. And even as I try to excuse myself with the excuse of going to bed they’re not having any of it and so we rematch, and this time I let Mrs Weasley win.

Eventually Mrs Weasley decided that it was in fact time for bed, Mr Weasley had just gotten back from the Ministry, and looked exhausted, it was eleven, I wouldn’t blame him for wanting some quiet time even as he greeted us with his best smile and series of very muggle dad jokes.

The clock on the nightstand read two in the morning when I heard the knocking on my door, at first thinking it must have been a dream, but then it happened again. Rubbing my eyes I stood up into my slippers and walked towards the disrupting sound.

“Fred what do you want it’s two in the morning,” I started slightly agitated but there he was, stood there still in his clothes from earlier when he had supposedly gone to the field with George to try out some of their new items. I could tell that also must have consisted of at least a couple of mugs of fire whiskey.

“I had an argument with George,” he stated blatantly.

Fred and George never fought, yes- they were absolutely horrible to each other with insults and pranks and jabs but they didn’t actually argue, to the point where they couldn’t be in the same room, not once since I’d known them.

“About what?” I tried to sound compassionate but the idea of them arguing over something to do with this new creation seemed so silly, they always jabbed about who had better ideas but ended up mending the two and creating something at least three times better or more efficient or more trouble causing.

He brushed a hand through his hair, “I don’t really want to talk about it,” he said the same hand now covering his mouth as a yawn escaped, “Can I come in?” he asked.

Why did he have to do this, it was only going to make it much more painful for the both of us.

“Y/n come on,” he pleaded knowing the cogs in my head were turning, “nothing is going to happen, this doesn’t have to mean anything”

“Fred this isn’t a good idea, go to bed, you and George will be fine in the morning,” I coaxed him.

He took a step back and let out a breath, “Okay I’m gonna go sleep on the sofa,”

I rolled my eyes at his childishness, I watched his back and as he got to the stairs  against my better judgement I stopped him with my voice, “fine,” I said and he turned around fifty percent jollier.

A flashback came clearly to me then, I knew the way Fred felt, he had told you the year prior one evening when we were the last two left in the common room, only the fireplace giving us light.

I sat reading some book and he was working on something for their next product. He had been looking over at me frequently, a warm grin lifting one side of his lips up.

“Okay let me see what you’re working on,” I gave in after a while, he had been waiting for me to ask, just to tell me no.

He shot his hand up in the air, teeth biting into his bottom lip, he laughed as I leaned over to reach. Just as my fingers brushed the edge of the scrolls he leaned backwards, out of reach again, my body shifted to follow it, leaning forwards on my knees.

Again, he pulled back further. I moved closer again, my laugh matching his.

“Come on you can do better than that,” he teased, that’s when the air around us shifted. I looked down to see his face right below mine. It was quiet, so so quiet. My heart started beating faster as his eyes went to my lips then back to my eyes shyly.

My one hand was braced against his shoulder, the other, which was reaching for the papers, lowered down like a dropped feather. I heard the papers he held sweep against the floor. His hands coming to rest on my waist.

A smile still plastered on his face, but not the one when he was doing something he knew he shouldn’t, no, this one was different. Just as ardent and warm but subtler, unsure. As if he had been waiting for us to get into a situation like this.

“Y/n,” it was a question, a request.

I felt my body tense.

He lifted his body higher, his nose almost touching mine, his warmth radiating on me.

I shut my eyes, brows tightening, “I can’t,” I whispered.

His hold faltered but he didn’t let go as he had pulled away. I opened my eyes to meet his, a hurt was buried in them. He didn’t move, waiting.

“I-,” I lifted my hand from his shoulder moving away from him, the lack of his touch on me sobering me up, “Fred- you, George, Ron, Ginny, your parents have been so, so good to me all these years, you’ve become the family that I don’t have at home,”

He looked taken aback at what I said, “What does that have to do with the fact that I like you, I have since that first summer you spent at the Burrow, running around with braids in your hair pretending you had no idea who was causing trouble when you were the propellent, when you told stories of your life before the wizarding world that fascinated everyone at table, it’s like no one could pull their gaze away. And this last year it’s been so hard to stop myself from pulling you close to me, to stop myself from wanting to kiss you,” he explained, almost begging, “and I know you feel at least something towards me I’ve not got the emotional range of a teaspoon,”

My throat had run dry, Fred was not a confession guy, silly romantic gestures sure, making out with people at parities- everyone did, this was unusual, and yet he looked so handsome and real. He knew me through and through, in that moment I felt seen and it was scary when you spent so long trying not to.

“I can’t risk losing you or any of your family, I love and care about all of you too much, I cherish what we all have,” I tried to reason but his head was shaking as the words met his ears.

He got up from the sofa, “I’m going to head up to bed,” his voice strained, he didn’t not look towards me again, he picked up the papers and headed up the boy’s dormitory stairs. He wanted to fight for this, but he respected what I said, it was all true, it’s not like I didn’t think there could be more, but I just couldn’t risk it imploding.

Now I watched him step into the room, feeling very aware of where he was stepping, how he was moving as I closed the door and my eyes for a moment, brows furrowing. This was Fred Weasley my menace best friend nothing more.

I turned around to face him and let out an exhale, he did look as though the argument had seriously upset him, he turned away from my gaze and turned to the window looking out into the now again misty air. I walked up behind him, hand at my sides as I laid my forehead against his back, his muscles relaxed.

“I’m exhausted, let’s get to sleep,” I said lifting my weight from his and moving over to lie back down in bed, watching him in the darkness taking off his shoes and his sweater before he came to lie down beside me under the thin quilt.

Although I was curious to know what the disagreement was about I turned to face away from Fred and curled back up, eyes almost immediately beginning to shut. Just as my body was about to shut back down I felt his hand, he has shifted closer arm around my wait, his face against the back of my neck.

Without much thought I laid one of my hands over his giving it a reassuring squeeze.

The next time I woke up it was still dark outside; the arm was gone and the alarm clock read half past three. Instinctively I turned around, Fred was still lying there staring at the ceiling.

“Can’t sleep?” I whispered.

“Sorry did I wake you up- again?” he ran a hand over his face.

“Fred I really think you’d feel better if you just say what you guys argued about,” then at least it wouldn’t be stuck buzzing around his head.

He turned his head to look at me, even though it was dark I could see his outline perfectly, he smiled, “You’re beautiful,” he said it so quietly you could miss it if you weren’t careful. He turned to face me fully, his finger tracing around my face until he places his palm on my cheek. His look was pleading and my body seemed to make the decision without any logic moving itself closer to him, I wanted to comfort him, I hated seeing my best friend so restless.

“I mean it,” he said, and I nodded.

“I know,”.

When I didn’t move he did, leaning forwards ever so slightly, his lips grazed mine ever so slightly. Then again and again our mouths moved against each other. It was slow and warm and heartfelt.

The he was pulling me close, my head on his chest and his arms pulled around me, holding me close as if I would apparate out of his reach.

It wasn’t regret but instantaneously a sense of dread started forming in my stomach, this wasn’t supposed to happen, it wouldn’t mean anything, we’d have to move on from this as if it never happened.

“That can’t happen again,” I whispered after a moment as I felt the tension building in my stomach, for a second his fingers stopped drawing shapes on my back but after what seemed like a deep breath they continued, Fred said nothing more and by morning light he wasn’t in my bed.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

The next two days at the Burrow were not tense per say but I felt as though I had been walking on an endless tightrope, my heart stopping whenever he came into the room. I tried to act normal, let conversations flow as did he, but never were we alone. It was as though he was avoiding me.

Every time I thought about the kiss it would cause a feeling of someone carving out a gaping hole in my stomach. I told him it was a bad idea and I knew there was no coming back from something like this, nothing would ever be the same. By the third day George had brought it up at breakfast attempting to make a joke but the air was stale.

I had been considering it since I woke up that morning but wasn’t actually sure if I would go through it, now here I was with what seemed like all eyes at the table going between Fred and I, taking an uncomfortable breath the words flew out my mouth “I was thinking of going home for the week,”.

Now all eyes were definitely on me, mostly with concern it would seem. Mrs Weasley looked as if I just said that I’d seen you-know-who standing outside the window, Fred’s eyes shot to me. Most of the Weasleys knew the situation at home wasn’t great, Mr and Mrs Weasley more than most, but Fred knew it all, I gave him a smile, or tried to at least though I’m sure the attempt was feeble.

“Y/n” he perked up, though the lack of his usual charm made my name seem flat in his tone, he was concerned.

“I wouldn’t be a very good daughter if I didn’t at least go tell them that I’m alright, wave to the neighbours you know so they don’t think my parents are some kind of psychopaths who murdered me or something,” I was waffling.

Thankfully Mrs Weasley came to my rescue, “Well of course, you’re allowed to go see your family, but if you want to come ho-” she stopped herself from using the word home, “If you want to come back here sooner just send an owl and one of us will come get you,” she gestured between herself and Mr Weasley who nodded.

After breakfast I went to back, I’d be travelling by the floo network so the journey wouldn’t be long, of course I was planning on coming back here but I think Fred and I need some time apart, to calm the nerves.

Ginny and Hermione were the first to try and talk me out of it whist I was packing, after they gave up George came into the room poking the bear, he knew something had gone down with Fred, of course he did never make it back to their room that night, and it was from then that we haven’t really been speaking.

“It’s nothing serious,” I told him brushing my hair and clipping it to avoid tangles upon arrival, “Nothing really happened we just didn’t agree on something so I think we both need some space,” I reassured him, though I’m sure he knows exactly what happened, him and Fred being almost one person of course.

Fred was in the kitchen when Mrs Weasley held out the pouch of floo powder to me, “See you guys in a few days,” I said and stepped into the flame thinking only about my home back in London.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

I had been away for a day and a half before I sent an owl to Fred, and that very same evening I apparated into the field outside the Burrow, not wanting to wake anyone up or face anyone still awake.

There he was- Fred Weasley waiting in the rain a couple of steps away, hair sticking to his face, his shirt dripping, “Come ‘ere,” he said knowingly.

Dropping my bag, the tears building up in my eyes again I walked towards him, he too was taking steps towards me. The moment I was in reach I was in his embrace, my arms stretched tall around his neck, standing on my tippy toes burying my face in his neck.

He whispered quiet reassurances in my ear as I gripped onto him, he pulled me closer however that was possible. I rearranged my head to see there was still a couple candles lit in the Burrow but none on the bottom floor, everyone must have headed to their rooms, I exhaled in relief.

Fred was a constant. Whether in rain, snow, under siege, or even being the class clown, but he was always there when I needed him and now was no exception.

“They said they didn’t want to see me anymore,” I finally let out. In the letter I only conveyed that I needed to get out of the house, that I’d be back at the Burrow by that night if they’d have me back days earlier than expected. Fred’s reply was short- telling me to stop being daft and to come home. 

“They’re stupid fools,” the determination in his voice mirrored in the way his body tensed. In part I couldn’t blame my parents I mean I’d barley seen them in the last 3 years for more than a couple of days at a time and always preplanned, they were not understanding of the life I had built in the wizarding world.

After taking a few deep breaths to slow the beating of my heart, and the shaking in my voice, “I’m sorry I’m a mess,” I tried to laugh, bring back the teasing nature of our friendship. I was tired of being sad.

Fred peeled back just slightly, his hands still on me, reassuring me, holding me up, his eyes searched my face and he swallowed, “Y/n everyone here,” he pointed back to the house, “Loves you exactly the way you are, every part of you- plus you’re a mess like eighty percent of the time,” he added with half a smirk on his face. I couldn’t help but laugh at this.

After another sassy rebuttal Fred added, “Lets get back to the house before we get sick, that would suck in the last two weeks of peace” he picked up the bag I dropped and we walked to the house as Fred updated me that he caught Ginny and Harry standing very close to each other on one of the staircases the day I was gone, “Swear they were about to kiss, poor Harry,” he sighed. Uh boys.

Upon entering the Burrow it was as though I’d been brought back into the light, the atmosphere was immediately warm and loving, the smells of herbs and wood- familiar. Fred passed me a towel and took one to dry himself off, he seemed to prep them before my arrival. We both got changed before meeting back in the kitchen where Fred was making hot chocolate or rather attempting to.

“I brought you down your favourite sweater,” he said without turning back to me, and there it was, Fred’s Christmas sweater with a large ‘F’ across the front, knitted by our very own Mrs Weasley, I was always trying to steal this one, it was perfectly oversized.

Whilst I was slightly chilly I didn’t bring mine down because I knew I’d warm up but as I put it on I was comforted by the fact that it smelled just like him. This was the one item of clothing that he would never let me borrow because he knew it would mean never getting it back.

“Okay let me help you,” I said walking over to the stove to help him, he looked into my eyes and just smiled before raising his arms up in surrender and stepping half a step away to give me enough space to work.

After lighting the fire in the living room we sat on two sides of the sofa directly in front of it, drinking our hot chocolates and playing a ‘Guess who I am game’ with the other kids at Hogwarts.

Fred straightened slightly under the blanket, “I’m super hot, really funny, everyone wants a piece of me oh and did I mention I’m basically a professional athlete?” he finished.

My head twisted sideways as I observed all his small movements, the way the skin at the side of his eyes crinkled as he smiled, “George?” I asked and he looked immediately offended.

“Excuse you, that’s not right, try again,” he said giving me mercy.

“Hmmm, Harry?” I asked again, he looked bemused, “Oh- I know! Cormac!” I said almost leaping from my seat, at this he pulled a disgusted face

“He’s not even on the team! Plus, he’s disgusting- it was me you numpty,” he said

“You need to work on your character descriptions that’s not very accurate,” I played it off and he kicked me.

It was as if everything was back to normal, whilst going home was low-key traumatic and know I don’t know where I would go after finishing Hogwarts before I can get a job but I knew the Weasleys would help me out if I needed it. There is no place I’d rather be right now then sitting here being silly with my best friend warmed by the fire.

The following days are back to how things were at the start of the summer filled with laughter, pranks, reading and playing Quidditch.

“When will you let yourself be happy my dear?” Mrs Weasley said to me one afternoon, the twins, Ron, Ginny and Hermione and Harry went out to play a game of quidditch. I lifted my head from the lemon I was grating, looking towards her in question.

She gave her warm small, wiping her hands on the worn beige cloth tied to her favourite apron.

“I was young once,” she began and shot a look towards the clock above the fireplace, faces of her whole family and exactly where they at that time gazed back upon her, “Before having to deal with all these kids and getting wrinkles a decade too early,” she laughed and I found myself joining in, leaning on my hand.

“You’re beautiful Mrs Weasley,” I started, “and a bad-ass,” I added waiting for her to scold me for my language but she just sent me a wink.

She came around the table and rested her arms around me, brushing some hair our of my face, “You know you’ll always have us, no matter what hm?” she asked and I nodded lifting my hands to soothe my fingers over her arms smiling, “I see the way you two look at each other,” she said voice dropping to a whisper.

I pulled away slightly to look at her, a knowing smile playing on lips, a warm breeze passing into the kitchen and the distant sound of the others shouting to each other. “Mrs Weasley I-,” I started and she just chuckled.

“The most wonderful things come from doing the scariest things you know,” she took hold of the grater and the lemon I was working on, “I’ll finish up here, you go get some sun, oh and take the lemonade,” she said taking out her wand, a large jug of lemonade appearing on the counter along with some glasses.

“As my mother once said don’t spend your life living with ifs,” she said finally and shooed me out of the kitchen, the air was hot and attacked my skin blissfully, the grass soft under my feet.

“Y/n brought lemonade!” Ginny shouted the second she spotted me, she flew down immediately and I laughed asking who was winning the game as the rest of the group joined us.

Fred, though sweating, glowed, his fiery red hair glittering in the light, cheeks flushed from hours in the sun, light freckles sprinkled across his nose, a bright smile on his face.

“Harry, Hermoine and I are winning by like 140 points,” Gin said shooting glares at the other team, “It’s like they’re not even trying,” she said, that’s when George bumps into her shoulder whilst walking past.

“Ooops,” he said, she just kicked the back of his knees in response and he almost tumbled into the grass.

“Everyone does say I am the stealthier twin,” Fred said grabbing Ginny’s drink from her hand.

“I’ll let you have that as pity, make you feel better about loosing,”

“You forget that we are the ones who taught you, therefore you should be thanking us,”

“Uh actually Bill taught me,” she zeroed in on them with a look of mock disgust.

“That’s why I’m so bad, I had these idiots teach me instead of him,” Ron groaned disappointed and taking a big gulp of the icy drink.

Hermione, Harry and I watched and laughing at the siblings, it’s strange to think life hasn’t always been like this.

“That’s an arrow right to the heart,” Fred smacking his chest over his arm, body moving along with the motion as he came to stand to my right.

George who took Ginny’s drink out of his twin’s hand started sipping, “these comments are why you’re paying double for everything in our shop when we open,”

“Yeah like that’s every happening,” Ron retorted, but little did he know how far along the process of getting everything sorted out the twins were, thanks to Harry whom both the twins now shot a wink.

“Okay let’s do another round after this,” Hermione said, all eyes went to her.

“Who are you and what have you done with Hermione?” Ron said immediately, looking alarmed, but also… full of pride, his eyes soft.

“Thank you,” Fred whispered in my ear as he pulled the drink out of my hand and taking a sip from it, I took as step closed to him and wrapped my arms around his middle. I could feel his eyes shoot downwards at me before he laced his free around my form, his fingers running circles around my back.

“You okay?” he asked, and I just nodded with a smile staying curled up as everyone talked, no one found the need to comment my behaviour and for once I didn’t feel guilty for it, for wanting to be close to him.

“You want to go on a walk around the lake tonight?” I asked Fred as we all headed back inside for dinner an hour later, the whole house smelled amazing, a typical Sunday dinner. Fred agreed though I could see the hesitancy in his eyes, not because he didn’t want to go but it was like he wasn’t expecting it.

So after dinner and a couple rounds of games in the living room with Mr and Mrs Weasley we grabbed jackets and headed out to walk around the lake on their property. I could never understand why anyone could talk badly of the burrow, the house itself whilst rickety was so unique and fantastical and the area around it was even better. Surrounded by fields and trees and a huge lake that reflected the stars, it would never cease to send me in awe.

We sat down, my arm brushing against his, watching the fireflies zooming around the lake surface, reflecting off the darkness like another set of stars.

After a silent minute I turned to him, his skin was clear, eyes softly gazing outwards, his lips a straight line. Only now I had come to consider that the ache that I felt every time we did something, even as nonchalant as writing essays in the library, he was feeling the same thing. He was feeling it now, knowing that I told him we couldn’t be more than friends and here I was dragging him on a romantic walk, but he was so good at hiding it.

“I love you,” I whispered.

He didn’t move at first just shot me a side glance and said “I love you too,” it’s not like we haven’t said it a thousand times before, I always thought it was important to remind you friends and people you cared about that you loved them, those three little words could change the course of someone’s day, week or even their life.

He assumed I’d meant it as I always had, and in a way that was true, he thought I meant it to be friendly but I don’t think it ever was just friendly with him.

I reached out a hand to his check, finger running over his jaw encouraging him to face me, a flashback to that night in the common room, I didn’t pull away this time. He looked at me with such flaming determination in his eyes, like he would do this over and over again until we could make it work, he would torture himself and wait.

My hand slid to the back of his neck, brushing my fingers over the bottom of his hair, he let out a sigh and closed his eyes as if such a simple action could relieve any wrong, any pain.

“I love you,” I stated, this time emphasising the phrase.

Momentarily he didn’t reply, the butterflies in my stomach were flying around nervously, unsure what to do, maybe it was too late.

“Y/n” he said pulling himself out of a trance, pulling away just enough to look into my eyes.

Tears started forming in the corner of my eyes. I leaned forwards our noses touching, he didn’t move. My lips brushed his, cautious at first, he held back. I kissed him again, surer, is hands coming to my warm skin. 

“I don’t want to waste any more time not being with you,” I said forehead pressed against his, “I can’t imagine myself with anyone else, ever,” I added subconsciously, letting out a desperate half chuckle, half sob. Maybe it was because affection and feeling weren’t really a thing displayed at home but that didn’t have to be me.

“I knew you’d love waking up next to me,” he said, a smart smirk now finding its rightful place as he played it cool and tried to make me laugh, defuse the stress dude he liked to call it, but I could see just how much love was behind those eyes.

“Technically you left before I woke up,” I argued

“Yeah I didn’t think you’d like me there that morning,” he said genuinely.

“I always want you there,”

“Oh I am going to abuse the fact that you said that and annoy the wits out of you,” he laughed.

Before I could give him a comeback he placed his pointer finger onto my lips, “There are more important things to do right now than intellectual debating,” he said enunciating every word very precisely.

One of my brows shot up in question but he basically just leaped at me, pushing my whole body back, his over mine, arms either side of my head, “I love you too,” he said before lowering himself down to kiss me, he smiled into the kiss, there’s no other feeling like it.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

This is how three years after finishing Hogwarts and two years since the twins opened their shop Fred was kneeling in front of me at the burrow on Christmas eve. Surrounded by family and friends he decided to pull out a real ring during a game of charades (Mr Weasley’s new favourite muggle game).

“Will you marry me?” he asked earnestly, and this was exactly the way I would’ve wanted it. Tears falling down my face I agreed and as he raised himself to put the ring on my hand, I simply threw my arms around him. He let out a laugh and pressed a kiss to my throat.

Pulling away I looked around the room, everyone was cheering, Hermione, Ginny, Mrs Weasley and Fleur (Bill’s wife) were shedding tears rushing to get up and congratulate me.

“Thank Merlin I don’t think I could’ve listened to him anymore about this!” George said as the room erupted in laughter.

As Fred was putting the ring on my hand I asked, “How long was this in the plan then?” I asked curious.

“Eh I’d say since about halfway through second year at Hogwarts,” he said with a feign agitated glare brushing us all off, I looked up at Fred, he pulled my close, leaning his head on mine.

“But we’ve all known about this actual plan for about a year and a bit,” Mrs Weasley said, “Obviously he wanted to get the shop settled first and finish school,”.

At that Ginny perked up, “No he didn’t- he wanted to propose to you at the end of that summer you finally got together but mum said no, that you deserved better,”.

Fred let out a laugh at this.

“And I was right,” Mrs Weasley said patting Fred on the shoulder, “Look at you guys,”. We continued the game, and everyone was in a cheery mood, we laughed and shouted at each other (we’re a very competitive family) and it gave me a warm giddy feeling inside.

He knew for so long that he wanted to be with me to marry me, how could I ever think I could move on from Fred Weasley and be happy, I was stupid.

“I would have said yes back then too,” I whispered to Fred that night as we were both readily drifting off to sleep.

I watched him smile with his eyes closed, “I knew you would, but you deserve the best, mum was right,”

“Oh my Merlin!” I immediately shot out of his arms and sat up in bed, he followed in concern.

“What?”

“You just said your mum was right, you’ve never admitted this out loud and I can’t wait to tell her,” I exclaimed dramatically pretending to get out of bed.

He pushed my head away before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me back down, “Firstly shut up, secondly I don’t really want to talk about my mum my first night in bed with my finance” he said and gave that mischievous grin.

“What did you have in mind?” I asked brow raised, and then he was kissing me.

Now however the chill was starting to creep into the world, leaves were starting to give signs that winter was upon as we boarded in early October. Hermoine, Ginny and I were stood in the Gryffindor stand watching the first quidditch game of the year, Gryffindor against Hufflepuff. As of forty-five minutes into the game we were winning by about 125 points.

“He was asking about you again,” Hermione’s voice finds me, and I find myself dying a little more inside, hand covering my eyes.

“I actually cannot even stand to think about him right now, can we just enjoy the game?” I begged genuinely. If I had to think about Miles Brown again, I would explode. Hermonie just gave me a sympathetic smile and faced back towards the field.

We won!

Harry caught the snitch so swiftly the other team didn’t stand a chance. The twins high fived so hard that George nearly fell off his wand as the cheers in the stand erupted. The excitement in the air palpable, a huge smile found its way onto my face. We all hugged before running down to the congratulate the team.

It wasn’t long before Fred just couldn’t help but strike a nerve. He had always been like this, had to be right all the time. It was enough that his penchant for mischievous and alluring  energy already attracted everyone’s attention, he needed more.

“Oh God here they go again,” Ron said rolling his eyes, before pulling Harry towards the changing rooms. Ginny shot me a smile before saying she needs to ask professor McGonagle something before she got back to the castle and pulled Hermione away.

“You were distracted,” I stated simply crossing my arms.

“I was not,”

“You could’ve prevented that one score if you’d haven’t been too busy look around the stands, don’t worry Freddie your whole little fan club was there,” I say before turning to his brother, “George, can you tell him I’m right,”.

“Quite frankly I just want a hot shower and to not listen to you guys bickering,” he said with a fake smile and walked off in the direction of changing rooms as Fred tapped him hand on my head a few times.

“There, there simmer that temper down quidditch expert,”

Exasperated with his actions you continued to bicker about who was right, of course it was you but the boy was too proud to admit it, but deep inside you knew he knew you were right. Yet, him admitting it would give just the perfect amount of satisfaction.

That’s when you saw him, Miles Brown, 6th year Gryffindor, same year as the twins, coming straight towards you.

“Oh for fu-” you murmured to yourself.

“What was that Y/n?” Fred put a hand against his ear leaning towards me mockingly, “I’m right? I knew you’d come to that conclusion, you’re smart after all” the smirk painted on his face made what I was about to do so much worse the cheeky git.

“Y/n!” Miles’ voice boomed as he neared.

Fred went to turn his head towards the noise, but I took a deep breath whilst simultaneously reaching my hands to his neck and pulling him towards me, crashing my lips into his.

For a second he didn’t move, frozen. Then the next second his hands snaked around my waist, his bat and broom long forgotten, dropped onto the floor of the quidditch pitch. His lips moving against mine in ease.

Then I was pulling away from him, eyes immediately shooting back to where Miles stood, now frozen, quickly turning to go when I spotted him staring, he ran a hand through his hair as he sped up.

“Look that was hot and what not but if you’re in love with me you could have just-” Fred started saying, now too running a hand through his hair, a sly grin on his face.

“Shut it,” I said punching him in the arm, hard.

A small ‘ouch’ escaped him as he immediately went to soothe the spot. How could he forget that I did in fact learn to fight from him.

“Miles Brown bothering you?” he asked, his gaze following mine.

I sighed, my fingers running laps over my nape, the wind started picking up, “He’s a lovely guy don’t get me wrong, but he is not my type at all, and he just won’t get the hint,”

“And you thought this would help?” he asked and then very quickly added “Not that I mind I know everyone wants a chance to kiss me,” as if he was running out of air.

I rolled my eyes at him, “Tone the charm down Weasley, your fan club is waiting back at the castle,” I said, then with some guilt, “I just had to take an extreme measure, I’ve verbally rejected the guy three times since we started term, a month ago,”. That’s not even considering the many times in the last couple of weeks last semester.

I had been trying, really hard, to be nice, to let him down gently, and whilst this was a push it was better than me finally losing my shit and frustratingly screaming it at him, no?

“Ouch. For him this time,” he conveys picking his belongings off the floor, “that’s what you get when you have no class,” he shrugs his shoulders.

“And you think you have class?” I ask with mocking concern.

He looks back offended, “I am very charming.”

“Yeah whatever, never bring this up again or I’ll tell the whole school about that one time you-”

Before I could even finish the sentence he interrupted, “You’re telling me you’re not going to kiss me again, and here I was counting down the minutes,” he thought he was being funny, but he wasn’t.

“Never happening again,” I stated seriously, “and go shower, you stink,” I added pulling a face, he pulled one right back.

“You’re welcome by the way!” he shouts as I start ambling back up towards the castle.

“Thanks for being useful for once!” I called back without turning, I could imagine him lifting up his middle finger up at my back.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

The next evening, I was sat in the library hiding away in the very corner near the restricted area, Pince, the librarian, trusted me for some reason to not do anything stupid. I had five essays due in beginning of next week and so far have done half of one, having missed my study session with Hermoine to escape Miles. That girl was my personal coach, everything would get done in the designated time she assigned. I didn’t need her help with the content, I knew how to do it but my tendency to get distracted was phenomenal.

However, my peace was interrupted. I heard footsteps approaching and a shadow forming as the person’s frame neared. I knew who it was before looking up. Fred came over twisting the chair beside mine, so the back faced me, he sat down bracing both his arms as he leaned close.

“Your plan didn’t work quite as well as you wanted it huh?” his voice was gloating. Miles spent most the day talking to all my girl friends trying to figure out what the kiss between Fred and I meant and if he would still be able to ask me to be his date to the Yule Ball. I wanted to mentally smack my head against a table.

“What does he think it was? Some kind of freak accident that we were snogging in the middle of the quidditch field?” I could hear the agitation in my voice, which I knew meant Fred was about to challenge everything I was saying.

“I mean it kinda was” Fred said, “Okay keep those dagger eyes away from me woman,” he raised his hands as if in surrender.

I threw my head back closing my eye, squishing them shut as much as possible.

“Hoping that it was all a dream and when you open your eyes it won’t be true?” Fred kept talking, he always did, unfortunately this time he was right.

“Look I’ll make you a deal,” he introduces the idea, “I’ll be your fake boyfriend, so he leaves you alone,” he explains putting the offer on the table.

A million different reasons for him to do this shot through my mind and none were good, was he planning on embarrassing me somehow? Was he just doing this so he could have the gloating right for the rest of our lives, so he could make sure I would never be free of the thought?

“You just want to kiss me again admit it,” I prompted.

He laughed out loud harshly, “Your kissinf was passable at best, I on the other hand have never received a bad review” he retorted smugly.

“Whatever, what do you get out of this?” I asked cleverly.

“You’re not the only one with admirers right,” he said righteously, “I’m sick of all of the girls in the years below chasing behind me like I’m some kind of puppy,”

“You’re not cute enough for that,”

“You’ve literally seen the amount of girls that try to get with me,” he exclaimed sassily. This was weirdly true, I know most girls always fall for the class clown, it wasn’t like Fred was even trying, he was just going about his life as he would if there wasn’t goggling girls all around, because this is exactly how he acted at the burrow too.

“I meant to be a puppy, I love puppies, you are nowhere near cute enough to be compared to one,”. Fred was not bad looking, and he was funny- sometimes, but I could never admit that to him out loud, someone had to humble him or his head would be too big to get through any door.

“Okay whatever, I tried to help you,” he said going to stand up.

“Wait,” I took a hold his arm and pulled him back to sitting down, “This is a bad idea right?” I asked already knowing the answer.

Fred’s head turned sideways, his fiery hair sitting just right, “I thrive on bad ideas and excel in bad situations,” he boasted.

Eyes squinting I turned to face him, “Not something to be proud of,”

“This could be fun anyways,” he says, “we’re practically just pranking the entire school. Fools.” He says with his usual pre-prank glow, “Don’t be so serious, you’re much more fun when you’re up to no good,” he continued. He was right this could be really fun, to mess with everyone, and maybe get myself someone I actually want to go to the ball with.

“We tell no one,” he says winking then looking towards me expectantly, I dug my teeth in my bottom lip, “Let’s do it,” I agreed.

“Great, see you around fake girlfriend,” he said getting up and kissing my check before walking away.

I shook my head, this was going to either work out excellently or be absolutely awful. I then proceeded to focus on the homework returning to the dormitories no earlier than one in the morning only having completed two and a half essays.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

I wasn’t sure how we were going to break into this new pattern, especially in front of our friends, but it was stupid thinking Fred wouldn’t come up with some kind of theatrics to make a scene. Sitting in the great hall for breakfast with Hermione, Ginny, Ron and Harry when the Weasley’s owl flew down in front of me dropping a small box.

Confusion wasn’t just painted on my face but all of ours. Miles also looked eagerly from a couple of seats down.

As soon as he realised what it was, a box of expensive looking chocolates, Ron reached for the box, “Stupid owl can’t even deliver mail to the right person,” Ron cursed.

“Wait!” Hermione exclaimed seeing the bottom of the box, a note was stuck there in questionable handwriting.

‘Y/n, the biggest pain in the ass, but a great kisser’

I could feel my entire face turning red as Hermione read it out, I bit the inside of my cheeks. I was going to kill Fred Weasley it was confirmed.

With an even more confused face and also slight disgust Ron passed the box to me, Ginny and Hermione next to me were gushing having been asked by Miles if a certain rumour was true but did not have the time to ask me last night.

I opened the box to find an assortment of chocolates in the shape of hearts.

Then a hand from behind was grabbing one, I turned around to see Fred plopping it into his mouth, “What?” he said after he swallowed, “I did pay for these I deserve at least one,” he argued. Immediately Harry and Ron’s faces look mortified, more than when they saw the note, Hermione and Ginny trying to hide smiles.

Fred kissed my cheek and sat down next to me reaching for the bread and butter. “Since we share DNA does that mean I also technically paid for them so also get one?” George asked as he sat down opposite Fred.

“Hang on a second are you trying to tell me that you two have…” Ron started as if his brain was lagging behind.

“From the note seems more than once,” Ginny egged on.

I realise all of the sudden that I was in a state of shock and had no spoken since the mysterious package had arrived at the table.

“You sure knew how to break the news,” I said sounding borderline sarcastic.

“Just wanted everyone to know how great of a kisser you are and that unfortunately they will not get to experience it,” he said just a tad too loud to make sure Miles could hear.

Whilst slightly awkward everyone seemed to settle into their own conversations, Miles looked over every couple of minutes, until it was time to head to first lesson.

“What the hell was that?” I whispered to Fred as he settled him arm around my shoulder, we headed towards the exit of the great hall.

“I’m being a good fake boyfriend,” he said, “Was actually gonna kiss you but thought Ron might yack over the food,” he laughed.

I just looked up at him, somehow, I never realised how much taller than me Fred actually was, I was like the perfect height for him to lean against me.

“Take it down a notch or no one is going to believe this real, no one acts like this,” I said.

“You’ve never seen Fred Weasley in a relationship so you don’t know what I act like,” he said in a matter of fact, “right I’ve got potions see you later,” he said normal volume again kissing the top of my head before messing up my hair with his hand and heading the other way.

I turned to see Hermione looking at me expectantly, Harry and Ron had already walked ahead, I took a deep breath to prepare myself for a series of questions.

“So why did I not know about this?” she asked pointedly.

I revert to the story Fred and I decided on, “Uh, it’s very fresh, you knew we talked  more towards the end of the summer but it wasn’t anything like that until the other week when I came down to the common room cause I couldn’t sleep and he was there working on something for the shop,” I explained.

“Let me guess you guys had a row and then finally had this super romantic kiss?” she asked hopefully, who knew Hermione was such a hopeless romantic.

I shook my head slightly, “sure something like that,” I conveyed, she waited for me to continue, “We sat on the sofa when he said he’d do something stupid and I of course said he wouldn’t and he said I had to give him something if he did… and then he did it,” I said, “then he kissed me and you know,” I trailed off.

It felt awful lying to her, she was my number one friend and has been since we started at Hogwarts but this was for the greater good I had to believe that. My mental wellbeing was on the line, I don’t know how much longer I could’ve coped with Miles chasing me around. At first Hermione and I thought it was sweet but not anymore, now he was like a pest, and he made sure to be everywhere.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A couple of days later we were all gathered in the common room on Saturday afternoon getting on with our own stuff and just chatting. Fred was sat in one corner of the sofa, having spotted Miles he pulled me down next to him, pulling my legs over his lap, running his fingers over them.

Hermione and I started discussing the homework for arithmancy whilst Fred, George and Lee were talking about the next quidditch game and the strategy against Ravenclaw who seemed to have a basically all new team.

“This is sickening, when will it stop,” Ron burst out pointing to Fred and I

Fred chuckled, “Listen Ron, if you ever actually manage to get a girl interested, you’ll understand,” he said and then added in a whisper “you’ll never want to get your hands off her,”

I smacked his arm but it only made him and his friends laugh more.

“Please tell me you won’t be doing this at the house too,” Ron pleaded. With the look in his eyes I wanted to reassure him that it was going to be fine, we would only be keeping this up long enough to get to the Yuke ball, that everything would return to normal at the burrow.

“Shut up Ron, mum is so excited,” Ginny perked up from where she was sat with her boyfriend at one of the tables.

Brilliant, I did not know Molly knew about this, it was silly thinking Ginny wouldn’t let her know, what the hell were we going to say to her when we were through with this plan. Ginny had confided in me two years ago that her mum was secretly hoping I’d end up with one of her sons, ideally one of the ones that has some sort of life plan. It seemed silly to us then as I pretend yacked making us both giggle, and it still seemed silly now, however I did have to admit the two oldest Weasley brothers were not bad looking, damn the age gap.

We then played a couple rounds of card games, Mr Weasley recently acquired some muggle playing cards and Hermione taught us a couple of games, I actually quite liked the fact that they were much more boring and less destructive than games like wizard chess.

At some point two giggly girls from our year came walking past, “Hi Fred, hi George,” they said in unison waving their fingers at the twins.

“I’m here too girls,” Lee added as they had already passed.

Fred looked at me smugly, “Told you,”, so I elbowed him and gave him a wide, toothy grin as if it were an accident.

“Don’t be jealous love,” he said getting really close to me face, eyes shifting to my lips then back to his cards.

A couple of minutes later we watched Miles walk out of the room his head hung low.

Fred and I separated a little without it seeming too suspicious, Ron actually ended up winning most of the different games, a proud look on his face, his most favourite was ‘Go Fish’ which we all thought was a rather strange name for a card game, this made Harry and Hermione giggle. Fred, George and Lee suggested we create a magical version of the game with actual enchanted fish.

Not long later we were all making our way down to dinner, everyone seemed light-hearted and thankful that Hermione had planned a schedule for us to divide and complete our homework on Friday and Sunday so we could have a chill day today.

It was on the way back from dinner that he approached, Ginny, Hermione and I were talking about the latest edition of the Daily Prophet that once again managed to make up something ridiculous about Harry.

“Y/n hey,” he said fiddling with his hands, I looked up to meet his eyes green eyes, “I was wondering if you fancied a walk around the lake, I heard there’s loads of fireflies out recently,”.

I turned to look at my friends but seemingly Ginny had disappeared, Hermione looked sympathetic and turned around to talk to Harry and Ron. Brilliant. Thanks for the help girlies I thought to myself sarcastically.

“I was also meaning to ask, I know Fred isn’t a serious type of guy, and I can totally understand the pull towards him, he’s tall, funny, plays quidditch and from what I hear good at all kissing stuff” he stated “but I think we both know it’s not going to last,” he was walking alongside me, “I just think maybe you shouldn’t waste your time on something temporary when I’m here for the long-run,” he scratched his messy, blonde hair at this statement.

I shake my head at the absolute audacity, “You think I’m with Fred for what? Just so I can hook with him or something?” I couldn’t even believe that words that were coming out of my mouth. Part of me was offended, if I actually wanted to just snog with Fred Weasley I was good enough friends with him to just do it and not have to put a label on it. Not that I would. And not that I would ever just hook up with someone like a friends with benefits situation but still the point stands.

A panic strikes his features, “No no no, I didn’t mean that as an insult to you,” he quickly said.

“Brown I would appreciate it if you stopped discussing mine and Y/n’s sex life that’s a bit weird mate,” Fred said approaching laying an arm around my shoulder and kissing me, “but to satisfy your curiosity,” he starts after pulling away, “it’s fucking amazing- still I was the one begging for her to be with me not the other way around so get your facts straight,” he continues as we walked ahead.

“Stupid git,” Fred murmured when he was out of earshot, I just let out a laugh.

“How did you know I needed rescuing,”

“Ginny” he replied quickly looking down at me. Okay, I am no longer angry at her for abandoning me, “Merlin that guy is really non stop huh,”.

“But you’ve seriously got to stop telling people about our amazing intimacy life or I’ll have more guys like Miles chasing me, not that I’d blame them but-” I continued. Fred took the hand from around my shoulder to ruffle my hair and push my head away.

“George, Lee and I are gonna test some new fireworks later behind the lake if you wanna come,” he asked, he knew I loved fireworks, and whilst muggle ones were impressive wizard ones could not be beat, “get the others to come along too if you want,”. So that evening we snuck out from the common room wrapped up in warmer clothing. Even Hermione had a good time whilst breaking the rules.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

A couple of weeks later Fred and I were coming back from Hogsmeade where we went on a totally romantic date that definitely wasn’t us being the biggest idiots and inconveniences ever, starting at the joke shop Fred ‘accidently’ set something off that caused the entire shop to smell like an old rotting shoe and ending at Three Broomsticks getting butter beer and sitting at the back making up fake stories about people.

As we stepped into the common room all the usual candles were lit, it having already been dark outside, the room only had a couple people in it. One hand was holding onto Fred’s the other holding a bag of sweets. 

“Miles is here,” Fred whispered back to me, I had forgotten about him today, I looked around the room inconspicuously, he was sat at a desk reading some textbook.

I turned to watch Fred taking the bag out of my hand and putting it on the windowsill as he stepped closer to me, both hands on my waist, guiding me backward until I was against a doorframe. I smirked up at him shaking my head, I knew exactly what he was doing, and he was unfortunately pretty smooth about it which infuriated me further.

“He’s watching,” Fred whispered lowering his head to my ear, I turned to look but Fred’s other hand turned to stop my face turning.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispered against my neck, the question made something in my stomach twist, unconsciously I turned my head slightly to give him more space whilst I nodded.

Fred’s lips brushed across the skin on my neck as he laid a simple kiss there, then another on my jaw, then one of his hands glided to my face getting me to face him. Then he was kissing me on the lips. It was nothing like the kiss on the field nor the time Brown was monologing at me in the corridor, not hurried, it was calm. Which was a word I never associated with the Weasley boy.

After a couple of minutes, he pulled away and rested his head back in the gap between my neck and shoulder. I lifted my hand to run my fingers up and down his nape. It felt awfully intimate; my brain wasn’t sure how to react even though my body seemed to know exactly.

When he took a step away and grabbed the bag of sweets, we moved towards the staircases which led to the dormitories.

“Weirdo,” Fred said messing up my hair instead of a goodnight.

“Idiot,” I say in reply and hurry up the stairs.

As much as I hated to admit it Fred Weasley was a good kisser, he seemed to know precisely what to do and exactly when to do it, and his hands fit on my waist just right. Ew what was I even thinking about. Then I reminded myself that I was allowed to enjoy it, yes he was an annoying little shit but it’s not like any of this was real.

I stepped into the bedroom to find Ginny and Hermione sat together on one bed and our three other roommates; they seemed to have been gossiping.

“Did you just make out with Fred Weasley in the common room Y/n Y/s/n,” Hermione asked shamelessly. I opened my mouth in shock.

“How did you-?”

“Not even denying it,” One of our other roommates pointed out.

“I was just trying to get my book that I left downstairs, but it would have meant I had to walk past what seemed like quite a passionate snog,” Ginny said.

“Was it with tongue?” Another roommate asked, I just flopped on my bed and didn’t answer any of their questions, after ten minutes they realised they weren’t getting anything else out of me.

After I had gotten into pyjamas and to bed I tired to get to sleep but something kept me twisting and turning. Yes, Fred Weasley had never been in a relationship during his time at Hogwarts, but I heard he’d made out with a couple of girls and he was clearly good and confident doing so, so why hadn’t he gotten into a relationship, and if he did was this actually how he’d behave because it seemed too good to be true.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It was actually happening, the Gryffindor common room was going to be holding another party, I’m still not quite sure what the reason for this one was, it started as a late celebration for their first win of the season, then they added it was because we were currently winning at house points then another reason was added and to me it seemed like everyone just wanted to party screw any reasoning.

The evening was going reasonably well, everyone was having fun, music was playing, drinks were being passed around, Hermione doing her best to make sure everyone under below 5th year was only drinking pumpkin juice. People were laughing and talking, it felt good, the atmosphere fun.

I had barely seen Fred all night as Miles didn’t have seemed to show to the party so we were both doing our own thing and it was weird I became so used to him being glued to me side these last couple of weeks. I was stood talking to Micheal who was in 7th year, he was good looking and smart and I could totally see myself going to the ball with him, we had been talking for a while but when the conversation was coming to an end, I was subconsciously searching the crowd for the red head.

I finally found him leaning against the fire, and there was a girl next to him twirling a piece of black hair around her finger. She was in the year between Fred and me.

“You know Fred I can see that Y/n is hot and cold with you like all the time, you deserve better than that, somehow who appreciates every part of you, not dimming your flame and passion,” she then continued to rest her hand on his arm.

Something about it just ticked me off, maybe it was because I actually had to fulfil my part of the deal and rescue him.

 I set my eyes on the target and started moving towards them. With full credit to Fred, he was trying to get her off politely without ruining the vibe of the room.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” she said in a lower voice, she batted her eyelashes up at him. Seriously the audacity of some people, did she not know that he has a girlfriend or was she just a bad girl’s girl?  Okay- fake girlfriend, but still she didn’t know that fact.

She didn’t move her arm as I approached, I couldn’t tell what Fred was thinking either, I just let out an obnoxious cough, then she turned towards me.

“Excuse me,” I say brushing her hand off him, and instantly wrapping mine around his neck pulling him down towards me, kissing him, deeply like that day in the common room, right in front of her face. I feel his hands grab hold of my waist, his nails digging in, holding tight.

Loud cheers erupted around us, I knew they would, but it was still awful.

“Damn,” Lee said as he patted both Fred’s shoulder like a proper bro.

Fred had a giant grin across his face, and were his cheeks turning slightly pink?

The girl look mortified.

“What were you saying about passion?” I asked her mockingly, she turned bright red, everyone was still watching the interaction, she quickly walked out the common room.

“Okay everyone mind your own business,” George exclaimed giving Fred a fist bump and going to get another drink. It was moments like this that I wondered whether George and Lee knew, I know we agreed not to tell anyone but George was his twin.

Still a fair amount of eyes stayed lingering on us so he grabbed my hand a pulled me towards the staircase which separated the girls and boys’ dormitories, Merlin it’s like he actually wanted to propel the rumours.

He stopped halfway up the stairs looking back towards me, now he was even taller, so much so that he sat down on the stairs before speaking, “What was that?” he asks, was he impressed? Was that pride in his eyes?

“I’m your knight in shining armour duh,”

A smirk appeared on his face.

“Don’t get too excited I was just holding up my part of the deal,” I reinforced.

“You might want to tone it down or no one’s going to believe this, no one acts like that,” he repeated my words back at me. I threw him a side eye, “you mad at other people than me might be my new favourite thing though,” he chuckled.

I wanted to give the same talk back as he did, but I have in fact been in two relationships since starting at Hogwarts four years ago and in neither was I particularly outgoing or so bold. Both of those guys were smart and kind but both of them failed to bring out that kind of joy, none of them made me giggle so much I couldn’t breathe or make my heart race like I imagined someone made for me would.

“It’s like come on though, have some common decency, like yeah this may not be real but come on to the world it is, how bad of a person do you have to be to flirt with someone else’s man when they’re literally in the room with you,” I find myself ranting.

“So I’m your man,” Fred teased laying both his hands on my waist, I was stood between his legs look directly at his face, never had I realised just how many freckles he had, suddenly the air seemed to become very still.

“You know they’re definitely thinking we’re sleeping with each other right now,” I say to break the tension.

Either his eyes seemed to darken a little or my sight was going funny from standing in near darkness, “Thought you’d never ask my rooms is right there,” he teased.

I shook my head at him, and suddenly the weight of his hands on me was heavier, without my consent my eyes looked towards his lips before shooting back to his eyes the moment I realised what was happening.

Fred and I stood there just talking for what must have been the best of an hour making fun of that girl and the others who seemed to have no boundaries. This just showed how ridiculous this whole thing was, such a weird pairing. Then the next week of planned pranks him and George sorted supplies for and which teacher would get the most mad.

When I made it back to the common room, the party still mostly going on downstairs, Hermione and Ginny were both sat on Hermione’s bed chatting to each other in their pyjamas, it’s as if they were having meeting without me every couple of days. Their heads both turned to me as I walked through the door and they tried to contain their eager faces and questions.

“Do you know what? Weirdly I always had a feeling you two would end up together,” Ginny said with a small smile playing on her lips.

Did they actually think this? After we’ve witnesses how many people found this unbelievable the last couple of weeks. Still Ginny and Hermion didn’t know this was all fake, were they just being nice or were they genuinely rooting for Fred and I behind my back all along, the thought disturbing.

“Mom is really excited to have you at the Burrow for Christmas,” Ginny says then her face falls, “though she has been referring to you as her ‘perfect future daughter in law,’ it’s kind of scary,”

“She’s happy he finally got his act together,” Hemione added,

“Wait you’ve also been exchanging letters with Mrs Weasley, what is this some gossip circle?” I ask, “feeling low-key excluded guys,” they both shot looks at me and I nod, yep, something told me I would not want to be involved in these letters.

After Ginny had left and I got in bed, covers up to my ears my mind started running laps, what did Hermione and Mrs Weasley mean by finally got his act together, it’s not like Fred liked me or was planning on ever making an actual move. Then a sort of dull pain struck. A reminder that this was not real, that it was going to end, that all the pet names, and hugs and kisses were for show. It wasn’t like I was feeling anything towards him, or was I?

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

It was as if the universe was poised against me, later the next week in potions Snape decided we  were going to mix Amortentia. Someone explain why the hell the most cold, heartless professor in this school was suddenly feeling all sentimental and gooey.

To no one’s surprise there was only a couple successful attempts, Hermione’s being one, Snape sighed and told the class to sperate themselves out between the successful potions and each get a smell.

The second I stepped up to the cauldron I thought I could throw up, and not because the smell was bad, no, in fact it was familiar and I was quite fond of it.

Fireworks, trees and something ever slightly sweet.

Fred Weasley.

That’s what I could smell and all of a sudden my heart was in overdrive, beating too fast for its own good.

Hermione looked at me hopefully from her place behind me in line, so I gave her a kind smile in hopes she wouldn’t pester.  

It happened, the absolute unthinkable, I had gotten feelings of some sort for Fred Weasley, out of all the people on this earth. How the hell was I attracted to him, when did this happen.

I stepped to the side watching as the brown-haired girl moved up a step and leaned forwards slightly, her face scrunched for a moment as she tried to figure out what it was, then something clicked, but I could not tell if the reaction was positive or negative.

“This is stupid,” she muttered on the way back to the common room.

“This is coming from the girl who worships anything to do with magic, a sad day has fallen upon us,” I lowered my head in feign mourning.

“Did you get Fred?” she asked, “I completely forgot to ask the whole stupid task had me distracted,”.

“I what?” said his familiar voice as we stepped through the painting.

“We made Amortentia in potions,” Hemione said simply before heading straight towards the girl’s dorm tower, I don’t know what she smelt in the cauldron, but it seemed like she wanted to hide.

“Ah,” he said coming closer, “And you were graced with my very manly smell huh?” he winked at me before pulling me into a hug, his chin atop my head.

 Without even trying the very same smell that came from the cauldron enveloped me. There were a couple of students in the common room. I closed my eyes for a second.

Then we were in motion, Fred was walking towards the sofa never letting go of me in the process. He sat down on one side and pulled me next to him, our legs were pressed against each other, and it shouldn’t have got my heart racing as much as it did considering we have literally made out in front of the whole of Gryffindor tower.

“I was thinking,” he said reaching over to the table next to the sofa and passing me something rolled up.

As I took I from him our hands brushed, I unrolled it to see the surname ‘Weasley’ spelled out on the back. His quidditch sweater.

“Maybe you could wear it to the game tomorrow,” he sounded apprehensive but excited, how could I not agree? I looked around at all the other students and took it into my arms, Fred’s hand on my knee, his fingers soothing.

“Thank you,” I whispered before kissing his cheek and getting up the sofa and rushing up to the dorm before he could see how much I was blushing.

When I got up to the room Hermione was shooting curious eyes towards me, “Ooo you’re wearing his surname now,” she prompts, “sounds serious”

“He wants me to wear it to the game tomorrow, I’m going to look like an idiot,” I said putting the sweater in front of myself and starting in the mirror.

The other girls in the dorm disagreed very vocally saying it was so cute, and how they wanted a boyfriend like Fred. I tried to calm them down before heading to dinner.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Upon our return to the common room Fred dragged me back towards the sofa, this has somehow become our spot, the trio all headed to the library in the search of something. George and Lee went upstairs to work on some homework, so it was just Fred and I and a few other students. I wanted to escape to the room too, Miles wasn’t here, neither were our friends so there was no need to pretend, but before I could suggest the notion of going to bed early Fred spoke “I got that book from the library that you wanted to read,” he conveyed passing it to me as we settled into our usual position. He then reached for something that looked like sketches and said it was something for their next product. I turned around and leaned my back against him stretching out my feet across the rest of the sofa.

I don’t know how long we were there but by the time I ripped my eyes away from the page I realised how dark it had gotten outside, the only light being the candles and the roaring fire. Then something else clicked into place, Fred was running his fingers through my hair, my head on his lap. I don’t know how we ended up like this but he looked like he dozing off slightly, eyes closed, head leaning against the back of the sofa.

“You should get to sleep it’s an important game tomorrow,” I croaked out, this got his attention, he opened his eyes and smiled at me.

“I didn’t want to distract you, that book got you good you weirdo,” he teased, I rolled my eyes as I lifted my body up giving it a proper stretch.

As I started heading towards the two stairway that separated the girls and boys’ dorms, I felt arms wrap around my middle, Fred’s head settling in the curve of my shoulder. If he moved even a slight bit, his lips would brush against my neck.

Without thinking I retorted “there’s no one here you don’t need to pretend to be all lovey dovey,” I let out a laugh, he froze for a moment and pulled away, the sudden cold not pleasant.

“Right,” he said stiffly and started walking up his stairs.

“Night Weasley,” I said and waited, he didn’t say it back, didn’t turn around, then at the last minute “Night Y/s/n” and then he was gone. The interaction left me feeling sour.

Against all odds and reasoning I ended up in bed still holding onto the sweater, it too had that smell that I couldn’t seem to escape, nor wanted to apparently according to my body.

Merlin this was bad. This had to end, and soon. If Fred knew this, he would just burst out laughing, I could hear the snide comments already.

I pulled it closer now that my mind was analysing his weird behaviour upon separation, he looked exhausted, he probably forgot for a moment to look around before choosing how to act because he was so sleepy. Everything would be fine in the morning.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

Morning came too early and I felt as though I hadn’t slept a wink. I avoided speaking to anyone before breakfast, Fred, George and Lee were sat with their other friends this morning and coming to think of it was probably the first time this has happened since we began this whole ruse.

“Finally, the honeymoon period is over,” Ron said stuffing his face, “Ouch,” he yelled and I saw that Hermione has kicked him under the table.

“Are you okay?” she whispered next to me and I explained that I didn’t sleep well, must be stressed about the upcoming potions test, she looked at me one more time and then laid her head on my shoulder. I tried to get some food into my system but my throat was dry.

After breakfast the two quidditch teams ran to get to the pitch to change and get ready whilst we headed back up to the common room to grab some layers before heading out into the cold. I couldn’t help but sigh when I saw the dreaded sweater waiting for me. It’s not like everyone didn’t already know but with the feeling that Fred was annoyed with me for some reason, and that I seemed to be feeling more for him than intended, I didn’t know if I should wear it.

“Come on Y/n Ginny is waiting downstairs we want to grab good seats,” Hermione hurried me, I threw the sweater over myself and grabbed some earmuffs and gloves.

We sat in exactly our favourite area, cheering as our team came out, it was windy which would definitely throw a spanner in the game but the boys had been complaining about how many extra practises they’ve been getting in with the weather was changing, but their captain was correct, it would help them out today.

“Did you guys argue? Fred looks distracted and… sad,” Ginny said, the last word coming out as a mixture of surprise and confusion. I had to agree with her there, I have never seen Fred with this little life and sparkle to him, especially when playing quidditch.

I pretended not to hear her and cheer as the game continued instead, though I could see the looked passed between her and Hermione.

It was a tough game, the teams were basically head-to-head until Harry managed to grab the snitch after an hour. Cheers erupted across the stands, the team gathered, hugging and high fiving each other. I watched Fred quickly say something to George before rushing to the changing rooms.

I bit into my bottom lip and turn to the girls telling them I’d see them later before heading to the exterior doors of the changing rooms. Head leaning against the wall watching all the guys leaving, congratulating them as they went by. George and Lee were the second to last to leave, I said hello to them and they smiled sympathetically.

Then Fred came out, running a hand through his wet hair, he stopped abruptly when he saw me.

“I’m sorry if I did something to annoy you,” I said, it came out faster weaker than I expected, never did I ever think I would be apologising to this boy and actually meaning it but I just wanted his smile to reappear.

He looked down at the sweater I was wearing, and he rolled his eyes smiling.

“It’s not fair how much better it looks on you,” he threw his arm around my shoulders, and we made our way back up to the castle. He started ranting about going to grab butter beer next weekend at Hogsmeade. It was a comfortable conversation as if the last couple hours of weird behaviour didn’t happen, he had probably just been stressed about the game.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

That evening Fred kissed me goodnight as I headed to bed early, it was warm and it make my stomach flutter with butterflies as he brought my body close to his. Pulling away from him I waved everyone goodnight and made my way up.

I laid in bed with my eyes closed for what felt like hours, I heard each of my roommates returning to the room, getting ready for bed, and falling asleep whilst I was still twisting and turning. I could feel the restlessness in my every single one of my bones. I could not get another night of horrible sleep, or there a lack of sleep at all.

Swinging my legs over the side of my bed and throwing on a jumper I made my way down to the common room hoping to get some alone time, that maybe a change of scenery could help me think. Think about how Fred and I were going to end this, how we would go back to normal, and how it needed to happen fast, it was getting out of hand.

Unfortunately, the world did have something against me because there he was  sat in his usual spot, as I stepped onto the floor a board creaked, his head snapped towards me.

“Hey you,” he said softly, and something in me cracked, finally like a dam giving in, water flooding everywhere, my eyes stinging, “come here,” he continued patting the seat right next to him.

“I think we’ve done it,” I said weakly, he looked back at me confused, brows raised. I took one step forward and a deep breath, “Miles has left me alone and he has a date for the ball, your little fan club seems to favour George and Harry now, we need to stop this,” I stated looking directly into his eyes, mesmerised, as if I could not look away even as I watched something shift in his eyes.

“This has gone too far Fred, it’s been fun, but it’s time to return to reality,”

“It’s been fun,” he scoffed

“Yes, fun, you said yourself that’s what you said it would be, one big prank on everyone with mutual benefits,” I reminded him. I didn’t even want to think about what Molly would say when she finds out we’ve ‘broken up’.

“Are you serious right now?” his voice was hoarse as he stood up, I didn’t know where these emotions were coming from.

I just nodded.

“The Yule ball is next week,” he stated, I could hear the frustration in his voice. Was he angry that I didn’t leave him enough time to find a date.

“As much as I hate to admit this, if you ask any of the girls I’m sure they’d say yes, even if they already have a date,” I conveyed with somewhat of a smile, trying to be helpful even though every part of my heart was crushing like a delicate glass ornament brashly thrown.

He ran his both his hands over his face, then through his hair, “You know what,” he sighed and ran his tongue over his lips, brows furrowing as if he was struggling to appoint together words, “Screw this,” he called out and marched towards the stairs up to the boys rooms.

The minute he was out of sight it’s like my knees gave out, the bubble that was building up in my chest burst, the tears running down my face as I leaned on the sofa to keep myself steady. I just let myself cry at how pathetic I must have looked, how stupid I felt, this whole thing was so dumb.

After managing to calm myself down, hand digging into my side to forceful myself to get it together I snuck back to my room grabbing Fred’s quidditch sweater and the series of handwritten notes he gave me these last 3 months and crept to leave them before his door. For a moment I let me head rest against it, hoping to hear his voice. But it was all silence.

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

The next days were bleak, the twins sat at the opposite side of the table for breakfast every day, Fred was never around in the common room, and he would not meet my eyes even in passing. Everyone quickly caught on that something was off, though they seemed to know it was better than to poke at it.

Life had become awfully quiet without Fred’s noisy self around, his boisterous laugher and the feel of his always warm hands. Mostly I seemed to miss the bickering, that was our dynamic our whole lives, even before this mess.

When it hit Ginny and Hermione that this wasn’t just a falling out, that our ‘relationship’ was through, on Saturday night they made it their mission to just chill in our bedroom and do things to get my mind off it, talking about Hogsmeade tomorrow and plans for the winter holidays.

Noticing me trying to make an effort Ginny pulled me close, “Whatever he did to mess it up I’m sure he’s very sorry, you know he’s stubborn, but I’m sure he’ll fix it,” Ginny said as I leaned into her, she brushed her hands through my hair.

How could I tell them he didn’t do anything wrong, that he actually had been quite the perfect boyfriend. I felt silly now to mourn to something that wasn’t real, that I had been stupid enough to fall for someone who took nothing seriously.

The next morning, I opted to stay in the castle under the pretence of not feeling well and not wanting to make it worse before the ball and considering I already had a dress it was fine. Even though I really did not want to go to the ball, seeing Fred with someone else would just push me over the edge. Particularly because he was not speaking to me. 

The day of the ball arrived fast, I hadn’t heard whether Fred had secured himself a date or not and with the impending doom of going home for Christmas tomorrow everything was filled with a mixture of doom and excitement.

Ginny and Hermione looked beautiful and as we headed down, they met both their dates, Harry and Ron even looked impressed at their looks, I elbowed them both with a laughter, Merlin they were both clueless as they watched the two get pulled towards the dance floor by their partners.

I followed behind them into the great hall which was decorated grandly with smaller tables surrounding the outer layer of the room and the large glowing dance floor in the middle. Dim candles lit the room just enough for shadows to dance across the walls, snow covered Christmas trees and floating snowflakes glimmered.

After a brief introduction and welcome to the ball from Professor McGonagle and Professor Dumbledore a soft upbeat melody started to play, couple cuddled up close on the floor, even some of the professors.

I couldn’t help but look for him among the sea of students, Hermione looked enchanted, Ginny was giggling at something Neville had said and Ron kept stepping on his partners feet. George beside him dancing with his partner poking fun at his poor younger brother. But the one Weasley I both really wanted to see and also did not want to see was nowhere to be found.

Then as if my wish was a command I saw him sitting by himself on the opposite side of the room, he didn’t look angry or excited to cause some trouble, he looked sad. Then his eyes caught mine, we stared at each other for a second before he stormed out through the side entrance.

My feet were working against my will; I pushed past people as I rushed to follow him.

He was stood outside leaning against one of the stone pillar looing out into the courtyard.

“What do you want?” he asked harshly before even turning around.

I took the hit, I couldn’t stand this coldness between us, I could feel my lips pointing downwards, the only way we could move past this is if everything was laid out on the table.

“You’re going to laugh at me for what I’m about to say,” I said feebly, I couldn’t take this energy anymore, he turned with his brows up waiting for me to speak, “I think somewhere, at some point during these last few months I actually started to feel something for you and it really scared me,” I started, his face didn’t change, “and I knew that you’d find it ridiculous I mean,” I pointed to myself, “I started finding it hard to be away from you and your touch and the jealously would eat me alive whenever I would see you with another girl because I had to remind myself that what was going on between us wasn’t real and that you could flirt and touch and make any girls laugh and blush,” all the words tumbled out of my mouth and I couldn’t stop them.

“Y/n” he whispered.

“I knew we couldn’t try to move from this unless everything was said and out there, so we know where we stand instead of shutting each other out,” I said just about ready to sink into the floor and disappear.

“It wasn’t fake to me,” he said, I lifted my gaze from the floor, he was still stood in the same place as if the delicate air around us would shatter if he so much as moved. My heart began racing, what was he saying? “Yes I wanted to help get Miles Brown off your back but the only thing that was in it for me was the chance to make you see me as an option, that I wasn’t just a stupid family friend who knows how to do nothing but cause trouble,” he said.

“I’m in love with you. Every part of you,” he said. It was paralyzing that the man in front of me, who could not take a single thing seriously was stood in front of me completely still, raw and real, it was unnerving “but what were the chances that you’d go for me when there are so many more ‘sensible’ options with their grades and lives sorted out,”. He echoed some of his mother’s words, that I deserved someone organised, ready for the real world.

I ran forwards and wrapped my arms around his neck pulling him into a tight hug, he pulled me close, every single part of our bodies touching, out breaths uneven.

“I would choose arguing with you every day over anything and anyone else always,” the words escaped my lips in a hurried tone. This boy aways pushed every single one of my buttons but he was also the one who pushed me to be my best.

He pulled away just enough to kiss me, it was hot and desperate and real. Pulling away it suddenly everything was worth it for that glimmer that sparkled in his eyes.

“Is this why you never dated anyone here at Hogwarts because you’ve just been so obsessed with me for years?” I asked looking at him.

“Yeah whatever,” he rolls his eyes.

I let a smile slide onto my face, “You know why none of my relationships worked out?” I ask and he nods curiously, “I don’t think I ever laugh as much as I do with you, never argued with anyone as much and never felt so appreciated for being the way I am,”

“So what I’m hearing is they were all boring, I’m amazing, and you’ve also been in love with me for years but in denial,” he boasts, and I just kiss him, tugging the hair at his nape with my hand, earning a satisfied sound.

After pulling away he said “Thank Merlin now my mother isn’t going to kill me,” he blew out a breath as if it were a close one.

I smack his arm playfully, “I see, that’s why you did this, to avoid hearing an earful from your mother,” I challenge him.

He just kissed me again, “I can’t believe we could have been doing this for years,” he kissed me again.

“So, what do we do know?” I asked.

 “We have plenty of catching up to do,” he said smoothly changing the subject before turning me around, so my back hit the cold stone column and kissing me again.

He then told me that at that very first quidditch match of the year he was trying to find me in the stand, that’s why he was distracted, I knew I was right.

Since the feeling were pretty much always real it didn’t make sense to tell anyone about the deal, we were just together. Maybe this was all a bad idea but right now it felt pretty amazing.

I let out a loud sigh and twist to lie on my back laying a pillow over my face, “It’s Marco he keeps message me,” I hug the pillow to my chest.

Q laughs, “He’s pestering her and very clearly not getting a hint,” he says pointing the phone in Min Ho’s direction, he pulls a disgusted face as he reads the message.

“They say you are what you attract,” Min Ho says with a level of sass and walks into his room closing the door behind him.

“No one has ever said that” Kitty exclaimed in a whisper and the three of us burst into a fit of laughter.

Q passed the phone back to me and I immediately threw it to the other side of the sofa, “That guy seriously needs to chill,” Q says turning back to the textbook and question sheet.

“Honestly I’m so tired of it, I’m scared he’s gonna try something in person,” I said, both my friends shoot my empathetic looks, trying to be supportive, but it doesn’t look like Marco is going to leave me alone any time soon.

Kitty started to gather up all her resources, “Okay time to stop this,” she says getting up and putting the stuff in her bag. I try to argue with her that we’ve only done half the homework questions, but she ignores me and keeps packing.

“Look I need time to get ready for this date with Praveena, I really think things could work out between us, so I want to put the effort in,” she explains, Q and I look at each other and identical smiles spread across our faces, “Plus I’m still yet to match make you and I think it’s time you find someone for you, and it might help Marco move on,” I give her the can we not talk about this right now look but then Q agrees.

He stands up to leans against the sofa arm and looks down at me, “We’re gonna have so much fun, come on smileee,” he says reaching out an arm and pulling me up.

We agree to finish the work tomorrow and to meet in two hours to head out to the club. A new DJ was playing and most everyone in the friendship group wanted to go.

When we arrive the atmosphere is perfect, the music is energetic but cool, the lights and decorations are the exact level of out there and complimentary, and everyone seems to be enjoying themselves. Kitty is quickly stolen away by Praveena and taken to the dance floor.

Dae, Q and I make our way to get mocktails before also heading to the dance floor, I watch Q looking around as if he were shopping for guys, which to be fair was exactly his plan for the night- a little distraction from the stress of tomorrow’s race and I was not going to stop him. Dae on the other hand looked stiff and uncomfortable but trying to move around doing something that kind of resembled dance moves.

“Oh my god,” Q says suddenly, and I follow his eyeline only to be met with the one and only, enemy on and off the track: Jin. Q looks… frankly offended at the sight and excuses himself.

When I turn back around to Dae he’s disappeared too, I look around but I can’t see him so go back to the bar to get another mocktail, then I finally find him talking to a group of girls at the back of the club and then I find Q making out with Jin so I went back for another drink and sat at the bar just people watching, all my friends were spread around.

That’s when I heard his voice. “Y/n!” Marco said sitting down next to me, I closed my eyes for a second. Great – now him. I couldn’t have my sad song music video moment, and I had to talk to him.

“Marco,” I say and it accidentally comes out a little too high pitched.

“What is such a pretty girl doing sat at the bar by herself?” he asks shuffling his seat closer and ordering a drink, being a good friend, I wanted to tell him, by not cockblocking any of my friends but I just don’t answer.

I finish the last of my drink and turn around to put it on the counter, in turn he places his hand on the counter almost touching my arm and leans closer to me, “Did you wanna get out of here? We could go grab some food or something,” he asked and I cringed internally.

Opening my mouth to answer he interrupts me, “Come on Y/n, we can go to that barbeque palace you love,”.

I grab my bag and stand as I say, “Marco I don’t-”

“There you are babe,” someone says from behind me, I feel an arm being strung against my shoulder, I turn to see Min Ho just as he presses a kiss to my forehead. He sees the confusion, and maybe a little fear in my eyes and nods subtly to Marco.

“Yep, just been waiting for you,” I reach my arm around his middle, he pulls me closer to him.

“Bye Marco,” Min Ho says simply and turns us away from the brunette walking in the direction of the exit.

What the hell just happened.

“What the hell just happened?” I said out loud this time as the outside breeze soothed me.

Min Ho just sighed taking his arm away, “I just saved your ass, you’re welcome by the way,” he explains.

“Thank you,” I say still in the state of shock.

“He really must not talk to many girls,” he continues, “you looked, repulsed, to say the least,” then one of his brows raised, “I can’t tell who I feel worse for, you, or that poor, helpless guy,”.

I shove my shoulder into his slightly, he swayed to one side by a step, a smile playing on his lips, I shook my head in response.

“What were you doing at the club anyway? I thought you said,” and then I turned on my best Mino Ho accent impression, “The sweat and heat of those places is terrible for my skin,”. The cool January breeze was rustling against my skin, and it was a pleasant contrast to the club which was starting to feel claustrophobic.

“I wanted to hear the DJ live, I’m considering hiring her for my next party,” he says placing his hands into his pockets, I wrapped mine around my jumper.

“So how long has this guy- what’s his name Mark- been bothering you?” Min Ho asked as we walk out towards the dorm buildings.

“Marco,” I say- he knew his name just chose to be petty, then I ran my hand through my hair but didn’t look at him when I answer, “Honestly pretty much since beginning of last semester but the messaging started getting more frequent over the break,”.

“Why haven’t you told anyone about it earlier?” he asked as if I was being an inconvenience to him, I explain to him that it’s never been anything big, he wasn’t being rude or demanding he just didn’t seem to understand that I wasn’t interested and the more I was pushing the more he was latching on.

“No every man can be as good as me, clearly,”

“Clearly,” I join in on his banter, “but seriously, thank you for saving me, I know how much how that must have killed you inside, to have to align yourself with me in such a way,” I said exaggerating, of course he didn’t actually feel this way, we are friends, but it was an inside joke in the friend group that Min Ho was just better than everyone.

Min Ho stopped in his track taking in a deep breath, “Fine, I’ll be your pretend boyfriend,”.

“What?- Min Ho I’m not asking you to-” the words fell out my mouth quickly.

He brushed me off immediately, “Until Marco leaves you alone. You should be thankful that I’m such a good person,” he starts walking again. I take a few quick paced steps to catch up to him.

“Min Ho you really don’t have to, I think he’s got it,” I argued but I  agree with the words coming out of my mouth, if anything a one off like this was likely to propel Marco more, as if this were some kind of challenge for all I knew.

“You’re so ungrateful,”

“Ok fine,” I say defeated, “Thank you,” this time with more emotion.

“It was time to do some charity work anyway,” he said messing up my hair, my face scrunched up in reaction. The rest of the way home in his car was spent arguing about what the best snack for film night was, then what the best film is and soon enough we were back on K.I.S.S grounds.

Min Ho walked me to the door of the girl’s dorm, now that we were alone we discussed what this arrangement meant, and what we were going to tell our friends. The answer was nothing, we were gonna leave them in the dark, one of them was likely to blabber and this needed to seem real. We would act as a couple in front of others but mostly when Marco was around. Not going over the top but just enough to make him believe. When we got to the door we looked at each other.

“What do we tell them when they ask how this happened?”

“We say that you finally fell for my handsome look and irresistible charm,” he says running a hand through his hair, “I mean it was bound to happen, everyone does,”

“Okay Min Ho, whatever,” and then we quickly came up with our cover story.

“Night L/n”

“Goodnight Min Ho,”

Then he was walking in the direction of the boy’s dorm and I look at my phone that was buzzing mercilessly the last few minutes, a bunch of texts were shining brightly back at me.

Kitty: Where are you?

Kitty: Helloooo

Kitty: We want to leave soon

Q: Girl we’re worried answer the phone

Q: missed call (2)

Kitty: missed call (3)

Yuri: Y/n meet us by the front door

Kitty: Swear I’m going to expose all ur secrets if you don’t answer

Shoot.

I was so wrapped up in the Marco situation and then Min Ho that I didn’t even think to text any of them. Not wanting to call any of them right now I text Kitty a quick explanation, that I wasn’t feeling well and Min Ho took us home.

My reply was met with several other messages, but I just got inside our room, got changed and jumped into bed. Twenty minutes later the girls arrived in the dorm but I was  pretending I was asleep, which I almost was, so a little white lie. They would’ve wanted to know what happened and I wasn’t quite ready to fake having a relationship in front of my friends.

<3 <3 <3

Over the next few days all was pretty normal, I didn’t see much of Min Ho outside of lessons, he was busy with avoiding his father and I was busy helping Kitty figure out who this Simon guy we are searching for is. Though on Thursday morning there was some flowers delivered to our door whilst we were having breakfast, I managed to get to the card before the girls thankfully and since then they wouldn’t stop prying.

That was until tonight, our weekly movie nights, I was feelings blessed with the fact that it was finally Friday, but I also didn’t know how to behave.

“I’m dreading whatever we’re gonna watch tonight,” Yuri says as we walk through the boy’s dorm building.

Kitty is flinging her popcorn bag, “I know I hate it when the boys pick, it’s always some kind of action film,” she says.

“They’re not always that bad,” Julianna says bringing Yuri’s hand, which she was holding, up to her lips to give it a kiss.

Even though I didn’t mind the action films or the thrillers it was when they put on horror films that I wanted to run and hide- I don’t judge what people like but it’s lowkey not for me.

“Oh guys remind me to ask Jin for that smoothie recipe before we leave tonight,” Yuri says as we arrive at the door. Kitty reaches for the handle and lets herself right in, we all take our shoes off and say hello to everyone. Giving the boys the benefit of the doubt they did prepare hot drinks and brought some blankets into the living area.

“Are you girls ready to dive into Infested?” Min Ho says coming out his and Dae’s room, the latter following behind him with a closed lipped smile.

“Nooo,” I drag out and look at Q begging him for some support, he just gives me one of those pitying smiles. That night on the way back from the club I told Min Ho that I refused to go watch the film in cinemas or at all.

Dae pats my shoulder as he walks past, “Sorry Y/n it was Min Ho’s turn to pick this time,” he said taking the drinks from the counter and passing them out to those who have already sat down.

Min Ho took a place on the edge of the sofa, I helped Q grab the bowls with snacks and lay them on the table as the others chatted, Jin was using the remote to turn on the film. I look towards Kitty to go join her and sit in front of the sofa when Min Ho catches my eye.

He nods his head ever so subtly, urging me to come sit next to him, I abide with some reluctance.

“L/n” he says lifting the blanket, I sit down with my legs curled up to my body, “I really do think you’re going to hate this movie,” his smile is sadistic, I go to elbow him and he flinches away.

“That’s my opinion,” I say sweetly.

After asking if everyone was ready Jin turned the movie on, and as expected it was creepy and eerie and my mouth was curled up in discomfort within the first 15 minutes. When everyone is deeply focused on the film I turn my head to Min Ho slightly.

“Also- flowers. Really?” I whispered shaking my head.

“Do you want this to be believable or not?” he said back still watching the screen, does he actually send flowers to the girls he was dating, just because?

“Who knew you were such a gentleman,” I teased and I just watched him roll his eyes before turning back to the screen, my distraction did not want to distract me from whatever the hell was happening on the screen.

About half an hour passed before jumpscare scared me so bad that I turned my head to the side covering my eyes and almost hit Min Ho who was sat very close to me. A low chuckle escaped him, then he was laying his arm around me, I felt myself stiffening, it was unexpected, but it only took a second for my body to relax.

After Kitty returned from the toilet later on during the movie she looked at me, her eyes widening as if I’d grown another head, her eyes scanned from me to Min Ho, back to me then to him in a questioning look. After I failed to satisfy her need for answer she sat back down and pulled her phone out, then I felt another two pairs of eyes on me, but I forced myself to keep my eyes on the screen. How long did we have of this film yet?

At some point Min Ho started to brush his fingers back and forth across the skin on arm, it was calming, and if it was anyone else, in any other circumstance I’d find it endearing, romantic.

When the movie was finished, I was half asleep on the sofa, my head on Min Ho’s chest, no one said anything about our position as they started getting up and cleaning, but they did look back once or twice to check if they were seeing things right.

I got up to help washing up, putting my jumper back on after unfurling from the warm blanket.

“So don’t worry guys we’ll be back with a super cheesy romance next week!” Kitty says clapping her hands together and then hugging Q goodbye. I laid the tea towel on counter ready to go get my shoes back on too.

One step into my journey I was stopped, everyone was still chatting and getting ready to leave, as a pair of arms wrapped around me.

“Bye babe,” came Min Ho’s voice, a little louder than usual, just to make sure everyone heard, and before I knew what was happening, he was turning me around slightly, his eyes going to my lips, then to my eyes, and he clearly did not read the panic in my eyes as he leaned down and kissed me briefly.

“Bye,” I said almost breathlessly, turning back to see all our friends trying to hide their shock.

The walk back to our dorm was very quiet, Yuri complained that no one reminded her to get the smoothie recipe from Jin and Kitty was listing rom coms, but what would usually be loud was rather quiet.

That was until we were all within the space of our dorm.

“What the hell was that?!” Yuri exclaimed  

“Yeah, I think you have some explaining to do,” Kitty says fidgeting excitedly

I hang up my jacket before turning back to them, “Guys it’s not a big deal,”

“Not a big deal!” Kitty started, “Is this where you disappeared to last week after ditching us at the club

“Actually, you guys all ditched me…”

Julianna joined in “So not the point, but seriously you can’t say it’s not a big deal,”

“You and Min Ho have been butting heads all of last semester,” Yuri states.

“That’s irrelevant, what happened that night?” Kitty pestered excitedly.

I lifted myself to sit on the island counter, “He ended up coming to the club so he could listen to the DJ, he thought he might hire her for his next party, I bumped into him on my way outside, the hot air was giving me a headache and we just talked, and then came back and talked some more,” I pull my lips into a shy smile.

“Just talked?” Yuri says consciously.

“Okay talked and then, we kissed, it was an in the moment thing but then yeah, we’re just in this kind of middle ground where I don’t really know what’s going on,”

“Oh my God, so the flowers the other day were from him?” Yuri pieces it all together.

“I mean I have literally been telling you guys for moths,” Kitty says turning to the other two girl putting her hand out, palm upwards, “You both owe me,” she says. I shook my head and jumped down from the counter, Kitty had once said as a one off to me that maybe this line of annoyance with each other was more, but I just brushed her off, and now I feel bad tricking her, but it wouldn’t be for long.

<3 <3 <3

We all got stuck into the semester really fast the next few weeks, lessons were harder, and Kitty was actively doing opposite of what her intention was this semester with Praveena and Yuri, but at least we were making progress on her family situation. Min Ho and I were acting like a happy couple every time we all met up or Marco was around, which was decreasing the more times he saw Min Ho with his arm around me or whispering something judgy about someone else in my ear making me laugh.

This meant we started spending more time together and I was learning so much about him, one night when everyone else went out we cooked dinner, well more accurately he cooked dinner whilst I tried helping but he just sent me away to the other side of the kitchen island and I watched him sheepishly.

“Stop looking at me like that L/n” he said not even looking up from the vegetables he was chopping, and I felt a blush rise on my face.

There was also the first time I spent time in his room, we had been texting and I was complaining about homework for one of the classes and he told me to just come over and he would help me. We were doing homework sat on his bed listening to music, his back pressed against the wall, and I was laying on my stomach facing him as we worked out the answers.

The someone creaked open the door slightly, “I want to come in so stop making out!” Dae warned and Min Ho and I looked at each other as if that was the most disgusting thought. He was not a bad kisser, in fact the last few weeks I’ve found out quite the opposite, but I wasn’t about to boost his ego.

We all also ended up going to the Moon’s cabin for the holiday weekend, unfortunately his dad didn’t come up, Min Ho said that there was something more important with his favourite son. He played it off cooly, but I could see the hurt in his eyes but he said he didn’t want to talk about it.

That first night when everyone else had fallen asleep I snuck out to the kitchen to get some water, and there was Min Ho sat on the sofa scrolling through his phone, he looked tired with the light illuminating his face in the dark.

“Can’t sleep?” I asked, but he just murmured a reply. I grabbed a blanket and went to sit down next to him, “maybe you should talk to him Min Ho,” I raised the idea gently.

He shook his head and put his head down, “And say what? Oh by the way dad thanks for not coming to the weekend getaway you wanted and always choosing everything and everyone else over me, I don’t think so” he says sharply but I know it’s directed at me. I turn his face to look at me, the persona falls then.

I put my arms around him and pull him close into a hug, running my hand up and down his back and nape as his head is hidden against my neck.

“Be careful L/n or you’ll actually fall in love with me,” he said turning his head ever so slightly to look at me.

“You wish,”

But he didn’t move away, we sat in silence for a while and when I whispered his name I got no reply, only to notice that he’d fallen asleep.

The Kitty came out the corridor to see us, I was running a hand through his hair as I was also starting to doze off, and Kitty whispered, “Is he okay”.

I nodded, “Yeah he will be,”, and then she was heading back to the bedroom with an I told you smile. Over the last few weeks, I did come to care for Min Ho more, as a friend, I got to know more about him and how he’s actually a human with his own shit going on, but he just doesn’t let people in. The rest if our time was spent, playing games and sitting in the hot tub in the evening, there was minimal drama apart from the whole Yuri, Julianna, Kitty and Praveena love letter, and Min Ho’s dad bailing but we made the most of the trip.

By the time we got back it was only two weeks until the school’s annual ball, this year’s theme was going to be ‘Blossom Ball’. In all honesty I didn’t think Min Ho and I would be keeping this thing up for so long but maybe it was time to end it before the ball, I knew more than a couple girls were hoping for my downfall so they could go with him, and in part I did feel guilty, one of these girls could be someone he could really fall for.

After overhearing another not-so-subtle conversation in one of my extracurricular classes I decided that it was time to put it to an end.

That was until I was walking through the common room area and was bombarded by 5 people with signs, pink glittery writing spread out on them, music was turned on really loud behind me, a well known Korean love song. The signs read:

‘Y/n’ ‘Will you’ ‘go to’ ‘the dance’ ‘with me?’

Then Marco burst through the crowd of guys with a single flower in his hands, dropping down to one knee in front of me.

I could feel the eyes of all the other students, and their whispers, mostly judging Marco, because like come on, from the onlooker of an outsider, who asks out a girl to prom when she’s had a boyfriend for the past two months? I could feel the frustration building up under my skin.

“Marco can you just give it a break! I have a boyfriend, that I really like for gods sake. Leave me alone!” I say with more fire than I had intended

“I guess that’s my cue, excuse me mate,” Min Ho says coming from behind Marco who is stuck with a mortified face looking towards us.

“Now that that joke of a man is out the way, will you go to the Blossom Ball with me L/n” he asked lifting the pink roses he held, for a moment something fluttered in my heart and I reminded myself this is not real, it’s for show. I just needed to get through the ball and then we could go back to the way things were, and my heart would stop doing summersaults every time he touched me or smiled at me.

I pulled the ‘are you joking face’ and a smile, a genuine smile, spreads over my lips, I can almost drown out the pathetic complaints from Marco. A but of guilt was eating away at me but not even those surrounding us were paying him any pity, still those who were looking  were looking at Min Ho and I.

“Yes, of course,” I reply and reaching for the flowers, the second they’re out of his hands both of them are on my face and he kisses me boldly and I can feel myself blush at the reactions of all the students. The thing about Min Ho was that he didn’t need big signs or loudly blaring music to make something grand and meaningful.

“Well, I hope you have a black dress to wear so you can match my suit,”

“And what If I don’t?” I asked in a challenge.

“Then I guess you’ll be going with Mr grand gesture over there,” he points his thumb behind his back and shrugs before walking away. I watch him walk away for a moment, the audacity of this kid.

“You coming?” he asked turning around briefly and I shake my head before catching up with him.

<3 <3 <3

Thankfully the dress that I bought a while back was black and I have to admit I was looking fucking hot, with my hair curled and let down, my makeup and the black and white corsage that Min Ho dropped off earlier.

“Well well well, Min Ho is being treated tonight,” Kitty says coming out from the bathroom, now too in her dress, a satin red gown, she looked absolutely stunning, anyone would be lucky to have her.

“And who are you planning on wooing tonight Miss Covey,” I said pointing up and down her body, “You look stunning Kitty, all eyes will be on you,” I tell her and she comes give me a hug, everything in Kitty’s love life was still a little bit on fire and in chaos but she was dealing with it, I was there for her. She was doing okay and we found her family, who wasn’t exactly talking to her yet but we got the letters from Peter and we would make them listen one way or another.

We finished getting ready and headed out, the ball was on the other side of campus in one of the new buildings, I couldn’t wait to see all the decorations, and the view was said to be absolutely stunning. We met Yuri and Julianna outside the dorm building and made our way over together. The air was a perfect mix of fresh but also pleasantly warm so none of us had to wear jackets.

“You guys all look absolutely fire,” Q states the second he sees us in an exaggerated voice, complimenting little things about our looks and conveying that we may burn the building down with how hot we look.

“Is it time we talk about you now diva? Come on give us a spin,” Kitty exclaims and helps him do a little twirl. Then Jin comes back with 2 drinks and drags Q to the dance floor, Julianna and Yuri follow.

“So,” Kitty says hands behind her back and looking out at the huge room, it truly was stunning, there was petals everywhere and the colour scheme mixed pink and white and black and gold, it looked elegant, and almost too fancy for a school, “Where’s the lucky guy?” she asks.

“His dad needed something from him, but he should be here soon,” I said and spotted Praveena in my eyeline, Kitty’s gaze followed mine, “Maybe now’s the time?” I suggested, Kitty has been trying to work up the courage to talk to her since everything went down at the cabin but she can’t seem to find a way and it’s been eating away at her.

She asked five times if I was okay being left along for a while and I urged her to go, she deserved to be happy, and something was telling me that Praveena might be willing to hear her out. I headed over to the bar to get myself a drink, pulling out my phone to see a message from my mom asking me to call me when I’ve got a quiet minute. A wave of anxiety passes through me.

“Hi, are you okay?” I look up at the unfamiliar voice.

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry, I’m Josh, you just started to look really pale I thought you were about to faint or something,” he stuck his hand out, the boy has dark blonde hair, and he is learning against the bar with a friendly smile.

I shoved my phone back into my little purse, and shook his hand, “No I’m okay, thanks though,”

“Unpleasant message?” he asks and sits down, I take a seat next to him and explain that my family had a poor history of messaging me something really vague things when it was actually something serious and it would make me worry, he then took it upon himself to make me laugh, in his words laugher was one of the best medicines. I found he was from the year above and originally from Canada, and that he wanted my number and to take me out.

The conversation was enjoyable, and he bought me another drink so I gave him my number, he even wanted to dance but I couldn’t not save my first dance for my ‘boyfriend’, Kitty would be devastated. When he left to go to talk to some of his friends, I looked at the time, I hadn’t realised an hour and a half had passed already.

It was then that a figure walking in caught my eye. Min Ho was wearing a stunning black and white suit, his hair in his classic style and yet it looked extra lush right now. Watching him run his hand through it felt as though it was in slow motion. Q who was stood near the entrance caught his searching eyes and pointed in my direction.

“You look… pathetic,” he says in that very Min Ho way of his as he walks over, head turning slightly to the side observing my dress.

I smile subconsciously, “You too,”.

“I’m sorry I’m so late you know how my dad is, when he’s in a good mood it’s one thing after another,” he said earnestly.

I shook my head, brows scrunching, “Oh no don’t worry, I met a new friend, so he kept me company,”

“Who was it?”

“His names Josh, he’s in the year above us,” I say but Min Ho doesn’t seem to look impressed.

He reached his hand forward, a few strands of hair falling forwards, “Come on let’s dance,” he says completely ignoring what I just said, “You think people will believe you’re actually my girlfriend if I don’t even dance with you,”.

A reminder rings in my head, “True, Marco might think it’s his time to swoop in,” I say and something about his facial expression changes ever so slightly, the change so small and sudden that I can’t read it before it’s gone.

He doesn’t say anything just takes a hold of my hand and pulls me towards the dance floor, we stand before each other for less than a second before I reach my hands to rest around his neck, a small awkward chuckle escapes him. This wasn’t new, I have been in very close contact with him, but this felt different.

“Plus, I know this is your favourite song,” he says looking right into my eyes, as if he could see right into my soul.

We talked about Kitty, and Q and Jin, and his dad, and what was going to happen with the big talent competition, and what our plans were for the summer neither of us noting that when these plans were happening this was going to be over. Without either of us realising about three songs had passed, we made each other laugh and then tried to pull serious faces but my attempts were poor in comparison to his.

“This is not fair

“I lo- I really, really like your laugh,” he says correcting himself, I brush him off and move one arm to brush my hair behind my ear. He lifted his hand and tucked the side of my hair behind my ear, then his fingers went to my chin to lift my gaze towards him, his eyes scanning my face.

“L/n” he said, and I could feel my heart rate increase.

“Y/n!” Kitty’s voice shouted out as she approached with our friends, the music turned upbeat and she was pulling my arm to come dance with them, and that’s how the rest of the dance was spent, drinking fancy looking mocktails and running around and dancing with our friends.

It was a few days later when my mom had flown into Seoul and was going to meet me in a restaurant at the edge of town, I told Min Ho that I was more than capable of going by myself, but he insisted that drive and come with me, I only let him when he agreed to stay in the car. In the car he argued at me about not telling him my mom was flying in and that she could have used his family’s private jet rather than coach but I told him he was just being ridiculous.

When we arrived at the restaurant I saw mom through the window, she was wearing bright colours and had a gleaming smile on her lips as she scrolled on her phone. Some of the anxiety that I was feeling the last couple of days started to fizzle away. I pulled the sleeves of the hoodie that I stole from Min Ho in the car up and walked in.

“Y/n honey!” my mom stood up to give me an embrace.

“How are you mom?” I asked, “I’ve missed you, and dad,” I said I took the seat opposite her.

She brushes her hair behind her ear, “Oh it’s been quite chaotic I do have to say,” she starts and grabs a menu, “But let’s order food first then I’ll explain,” she said, I swallowed down and even though I wanted to argue I chose not to, not yet.

The food arrived and it was delicious, mom was talking telling me about some work drama and my aunt’s new baby which was lovely, but she was avoiding whatever she came here to tell me about. After she laid down her cutlery and picked up her phone I spoke up.

“Mom, can you tell me what’s going on?” I asked nervously.

The look in her eyes when she looked up at me had my heart dropping, brows burrowing and worry painting itself over my face.

“Your dad and I are getting a divorce,”

The world stopped. It was like I’d heard her say the words, but they weren’t registering in my head.

“We’ve been separated since you went back to school after the break,”

“What? How long has this been going on?” I asked frantic.

Mom moved her hand over the table and grab mine, they were soft and warm, “About halfway through last semester, we- we’ve been trying to make it work but we’ve decided we’ll be happier this way,” she said, her thumb running over my skin was not comforting. In all truth it was making me feel nauseous.

I didn’t say another word, I grabbed my phone and stood up, putting it in my back pocket and ignoring my mom’s words, her calls out to me. The only thing I could see clearly was the door, I needed fresh air.

When I was outside I couldn’t stop walking, I headed towards the outside area of the restaurant, towards the back of the fenced land.

“L/n!” a voice called but I didn’t turn around.

“Y/n!” they called again, at this point I reached the end of the land looking outward tears rolling down my face.

“Y/n are you okay? What happened?” Min Ho was asking frantically looking me over.

“They’re getting a divorce,” I whispered, the phrase sounded foreign on my lips, “Which means it was all for nothing,”

His brows furrow and he steps closer, “What was for nothing?”

“My whole childhood I spent listening to them argue, being the one in the middle, smoothing out the creases, bring the common ground, it was all for nothing,” I said again and felt the tears doubling.

“It’s going to be okay, it’s going to get better,” he said and reached his arms wide towards me, I took a few deep breaths and let out a sob, before wrapping my arms around him and letting him pull me close as I cried into his chest, shaking my head in denial.

He brushed his fingers over my hair moving it out of my face, holding me tightly.

“You must think I’m such a mess. You definitely did not sign up for this,” I say trying to add a playful tone, but it came out more pathetic than anything.

“Y/n I’d be more worried if you weren’t reacting like this,” he said laying his chin on my head, “You’re” he paused momentarily, “You’re kind and caring and loyal and have had a lot of pressure put on you your whole life, it’s normal for you to feel like this, this panicking need to fix it, even when you know you can’t make everyone happy,” he explained and I could feel my heart start to slow as I followed his breathing subconsciously.

After another few moments I took another deep breath and pulled away, still holding onto the sides of his open denim jacket, and him the sleeves on the hoodie, not much further apart.

“Thank you,” I said, and he wiped the last of my tears off from under my eye.

“That’s what I’m here for,” he said and then his eyes went from my eyes to my lips and back up, I could feel him leaning closer and my body naturally reacted, as if it were a dance it knew well. Then his lips were on mine, and they were soft and warm, and moved at exactly the right pace. I kissed back without a second thought, poured everything I was feeling into it, he pulled me close to his body. That’s when the second thought came and I pulled away.

“Min Ho, stop, what are we doing?” I asked, running my hand over my forehead, everything in my head a big mixture of mixed emotions and I could feel the tears building up again, the pressure in my chest making my shoulders rise, “There’s no one here, no need to pretend,”

“Y/n”

“In fact, I think the mission has ran its course,” I started, “Marco’s not bothering me anymore, so thank you, for everything, really. But we’ve been avoiding this because we don’t want things to be weird, but I think it’s time to come back to reality,” the words felt like sandpaper in my throat, “we should head back,” I said looking at his face, such a mixture of emotions on his face that I couldn’t read them. I forced myself to walk past him, he didn’t follow straight away but then his steps echoed behind mine.

We sat in silence the whole way back to K.I.S.S and I got out the car before he could say anything, I rushed to my dorm only to be met with all three of the girls upon arrival. The second they spotted me, all faces concerned and I started to cry again. Greving my parents divorce and what felt like the loss of a friendship I so desperately didn’t want to end, my words were harsh, and I didn’t want to lose his him, but his face was a clear sign.

They all questioned what happened, Julianna made me a tea, Yuri brought in a blanket and Kitty cooed me in her arms. I didn’t mention Min Ho, I didn’t know how to go about that yet, I didn’t want to make either of us look like dickheads, ending this right after what I found out about my parents.

I managed to give myself a huge migraine, so I went to bed early, and fell asleep after crying for what felt like hours.

When I woke up in the middle of the night I looked at my phone to see the time, and what was a few messages from Min Ho.

(20:30) Posh boy: Are you feeling any better?

(20:58) Posh boy: Do you need anything? I can bring some chocolate or ice cream

(21:25) Posh boy: Please answer I’m worried about you

The last was sent a couple minutes ago,

(02:23) Posh boy: I know you’re asleep, but I’ve ordered your favourite tea and those biscuits that you love to steal from me, they should get here tomorrow

(03:00) Posh boy: Night L/n

I turned my phone back on its other side and turned around to face the other side in my bed, and forced myself to go back to sleep.

<3 <3 <3

I barley left the dorm for days, at the end of the weekend I sent an email to Alex explain the situation and explaining that I needed a few days, he accepted the request if I kept on top of the work. On Wednesday I went back to lessons, I hadn’t spoken to Min Ho since that day, he was probably avoiding me, just like I was avoiding him.

Josh and I had been texting a load since the night of the ball and I was staring to feel like maybe it could go somewhere, he respected that I needed some space right now but was already planning on some activities for us to do when I was up for it. It was making my heart hurt a little less.

When Friday rolled around, I knew I would have to face him: move night. 

The girls got in their comfies in the evening and were grabbing the snacks we bought earlier in the day, ready to head out to the boy’s room. I was dreading it and if the girls realised, I was being quiet they didn’t say anything.

When we arrived all was pretty normal. We made hot drinks and put out the snacks. Min Ho didn’t say anything to me and I hadn’t engaged either. He was sitting in his usual spot on the side of the sofa but I took a seat on Kitty’s side and laid my head on her shoulder, she quickly laid her arm around me and put her head on mine, rubbing my arm to soothe me, to tell me she’s got me. I think they all knew something was off between Min Ho and I too, that it wasn’t just the divorce I was upset about anymore, but they we’re giving me time.

I paid very little attention to the film and was ready to leave as soon as it was over. When we were back into our room Kitty sighed and turned around to me, “What’s going on with you and Min Ho, you guys seemed off tonight?” she asked.

I turned to her quickly, “We’ve ended things,” I say quickly “I think we’re figuring out how to behave around each other again,” I said earnestly.

Kitty looked both confused and worried, “Did something happen? Don’t get me wrong I love the guy but if he hurt you, I swear,” she started coming over to sit on the edge of my bed.

I gave her a sad smile, “Kitty, we just didn’t work,” I said and everything about the look on her face said she didn’t believe me, but she took the hint when I slid down my pillow and wrapped myself up in my duvet.

On Monday when I was walking to Mr Moon’s class for managers when I overheard Kitty and Min Ho talking inside, I quickly stepped back and listened from outside.

“Min Ho you’re losing her, she was so happy, literally glowed when you guys first got together, what happened?” Kitty demanded, “and don’t tell me things just didn’t work out because I’ve already heard that excuse, be honest with me,”.

I could hear a shuffle, and Min Ho taking a deep breath, “I don’t think she’d want us to be having this conversation right now,” he said.

‘Min Ho whatever you did I can see in your eyes that you care for her, so fix it before it’s too late,” Kitty says softly this time, then there’s a silence, “Oh my god,” she continued, “It wasn’t you, she ended it,” Kitty said.

“No, Kitty come on, it was a mutual decision,” he tried to argue, he tried to put in some conviction into it, but the lie was coming out weak.

“Min Ho,” Kitty said with conviction, “If you care for her you’ve got to fight, one thing I’ve learned from Lara-Jeans is that love isn’t easy and doesn’t always start in the way you expect it to, but it is worth it,” she said.

“Oh, hey Y/n,” Praveena said coming up to me, I could hear shuffles in the classroom “I wonder what Mr Moons has planned for this lesson,” she said completely ordinarily.

“Sorry I’ve got to go,” I said walking away quickly.

Later that afternoon after lessons had finished, I was leaving the main building to head back to the dorm, we were all having dinner in the boy’s dorm tonight and I was already running late because I had to tutor and bless the girl, but she was clueless. I was trying to use my arms to shield my face as much as possible from the rain that chucking down.

Then I heard a voice shout out, I turned around to see Min Ho, waking towards me.

“Y/n!” he called out and I stopped in my tracks, “finally you give me the time of day,” he says sharply, his tone makes me stand up straighter, “firstly so much for staying friends and acting normal,” he said and then ran a hand through his hair, water dripping down his face, “secondly-”

I interrupted him, “I’m sorry,”

“Y/n/”

“Look I’ve been talking to Josh and I-” this time he tried to interrupt me but I prevailed “Min Ho, he’s a good guy and I think,” I sighed, running my tongue over my lips, “I could really like him, and there’s plenty of girls waiting for you to give them a chance, but this thing between us, we blurred the lines and we need to stop” I said with the frustration coming through, rain falling harshly down my face, this is already hard enough, to know this is going to end, so why is he making it harder, giving my heart beats of hope, “We both deserve something real,” I sounded tired, even to my own ears.

“Y/n I don’t want this to end,” his voice came out just above a whisper, and I felt my heartbeat triple.

“What?” I asked, quieter than I expected.

“Look I know this was not the plan, but- I went to the club that night because I saw Marco and his buddies leave and they were teasing him about finally making a move on you, so I followed them, but I didn’t know why yet, then somewhere in this whole situation I realised that I was jealous, then it became real and I realised I didn’t want it to end, and ever time you’d bring up that we we’re doing it because of Marco it crushed me,” he said and I just stated at him.

“I think I fell in love with you,” he said looking at me, the rain pouring down his face, “A little bit… or a lot,”.

My eyes scan his face frantically. Min Ho had fallen for me. Just like I had fallen for him. Before he could move or say anything else, I fling my arms around him and kiss him passionately, holding him as close as I possible could, and that was still not close enough.

“I love you too,” I said after I pulled away, laying my forehead against his, I could see him smile before I closed my eyes again and he pulled me into a tight embrace. It felt like the relief was coursing through both of our bodies.

“It’s good to hear you finally admit it,” he said back to his natural cockiness, “Everyone eventually falls for me, it’s my charm unfortunately,” he said.

“Well stop using it on other girls or I might get jealous,”

“You know what? That does kind of make me feel some sort of way, I quite like my imaginary version of you jealous and it’s quite hot,” he muses, and I just pull him in for another kiss, running my hands through his hair. His hands on my waist pulling me close.

Then when we came back into the building, whilst still soaked, we came clean to our friends, and whilst most of them were shocked Kitty was very offended, but all in all they were glad we worked it out because it was obvious long before this that there was something bubbling under the surface.

“I can’t believe you pulled a Lara-Jean on me! Now I’ve fallen for it twice,” Kitty said running her hand over her forehead.

That was until Min Ho’s favourite song came on, and she turned to me with her mouth and eyes wide open in some sort of realisation. “Are you and Min Ho actually going to your lives together this semester?”.

I threw one of pillow at her, “Hey!” she exclaimed turning to me with smudged mascara on her cheek.

“Not this again,” I say rolling my eyes.

“I’m just saying I’m rarely wrong,” her voice goes a few octaves higher.

I turn back to my mirror, “You know I can’t stand how highly he thinks of himself, plus even I did he’s a player Kitty, I don’t put myself in situations where I’m likely to get hurt,” I explain.

“Yeah whatever live a little!” she threw the pillow back at me, which quickly turned into a pillow fight and bunch of laughter, until a knock on the door informed us we had to leave if we didn’t want to be late.

 The four of us girls walked towards the busy town to the restaurant, and he’s the first person that I spot in the crowd amongst our friends. Yuri shouts out a hello and the group turns around. His eyes meet mine, the same sneaky glimmer sits in his eyes, mouth in its signature half smirk.

I can feel Kitty’s eyes on me, and she gives me a slight push, I move my feet quickly hoping that no one saw that. I turn around and give her a quick death glare.

“Hello, y/l/n” his voice is all too familiar, I turn to meet his eyes once again, his hands are in his jacket pocket, and I note down that I would not mind stealing it from him.

“Min Ho,” I say back keeping it cool.

“Christmas break does not feel like a long enough break from you,” he says with a smile.

“Aren’t you a sweetheart,” I say back in a monotone voice.

“Now you’re complementing me? What have you done to y/l/n?” he questions grabbing my jacket sleeving and waving it around in an inspection, I roll my eyes at him and he lets my arm fall, “I heard about the living situation,” he changes the subjective with a gesturing nod to the restaurant as all our friends were walking in.

I let out a sigh and push some of my hair out my face, “Yeah, it’s a weird one, Kitty is super freaked out,” I say.

“I don’t blame her, living with someone you like and their partner sounds like personal hell,” he says with a distaste in his voice.

“Very helpful observation from you Min Ho,” I say deadpanning.

He puts a hand to his chest, “You’re so welcome,”.

“Aw and to think I almost missed this sarcasm of yours,” I say back turning my gaze away from his to the busy street.

Min Ho’s eyes crinkle in the corners “You did miss me,” he said as I stepped towards the restaurant, but I stopped before I could take another.

He circled around to step in front of me again, my brows burrowed, and I let out a nervous chuckle, “what did you say?” I asked trying to play dumb. Of course I missed him, I’m not sure how exactly our friendship could be described but our little digs were something I looked forward to, I enjoyed the challenge, the satisfaction that came from leaving him without a comeback.

I waited as he lowered towards my ear, his long eyelashes lifting as he observed something behind me, “You smiled when I said that”, I could feel the absence of his breath as he pulled away.  He was walking through to the table as I let out a composing breath and followed.

Kitty saved me a seat beside her, she wiggled her brows at me when I sit down, Min Ho was talking to Q and Dae looking at the menu.

“So?” she asked eagerly turning directly towards me.

“What?” I ask laying my purse down and grabbing a menu.

The brunette pulled it right out of my hands, “You know exactly what you’re going to order,” she says which is true, I get the same thing every time, why change something that works? “The tensions still there?” her mouth is a grin.

“It’s not tension,” I tell her for the hundredth since we started at K.I.S.S “we just don’t like each other,” I say pulling the menu back out her hand. I loved that Kitty was basically a radio tower for spotting who likes who, but not when it came to me, I didn’t like Min Ho like that and he definitely doesn’t like me like that, he was all over Maddison last semester.

“Whatever you want to tell yourself, “She murmured standing up to talk to the guys, Min Ho looks over to me momentarily as Kitty approaches them but then gets back into the conversation.

<3 <3 <3

Being able to spend the weekend at Min Ho’s cabin was amazing but waking up this morning to being basically snowed in was not a pleasant surprise, skiing was a no go, and it’s not like there was anything else near us. Everyone spent the morning playing card games or reading or trying to find something to entertain themselves because the internet was out.

It was fine until it hit five in the afternoon and even the team competition games were not feeling as empowering. Most everyone was feeling restless, that was until Q came up with what everyone seemed to think was a good idea, apart from Min Ho and me but I couldn’t pick his side.

“Oh come on we’re stuck on the property anyway!” Q pleaded in a whiny tone holding his hands together in support Dae gave a put his hands on his face and gave a cute smile. Min Ho half rolled his eyes and looked at all the faces in the room.

Dropping his hands with a sigh he agreed, and the room erupted into cheers, “But if you guys break anything I swear-” he started but was cut off as the chatter started. Maddison suggested we should divide up tasks, set up a small buffet, get alcohol and get dressed up.

Everyone separated the tasks between them, but my eyes kept shifting towards Min Ho, he looked distant, he was never usually against a party. He said he’d sort the alcohol and walked out the room, I looked around at everyone dispersing again then followed him.

We were heading towards his dad’s office, where Q had secretly snuck Jin in last night, thankfully the guys made up with him earlier or this day could have been very awkward, though it did seem like he gave them a rather tough time when they were younger and what he did to Q was not forgiven.

“Are you okay?” I ask after closing the door behind us, he didn’t turn, if he knew I was following him it didn’t show.

“Yep, I’m thinking the alcohol can be his payment for ditching me once again,” he says nonchalantly taking a key out of a draw and unlocking a tall cabinet, there on the bottom shelf laid what must have been about 30 different bottles.

I step closer and lean against the wall watching him pick up the bottles, read the label, leave some out and those that didn’t appease him went back in.

“Min Ho,” I said, my voice more tender than I intended, the playfulness was gone, “Can you look at me for a second?” I asked, for a moment he stopped moving altogether, before letting his shoulder fall and rising up to stand in front of me.

His expression was of that as always, but his eyes redder like a tear could appear any moment, “I can’t exactly say I’m surprised,” he shrugged and watched me waiting. A sadness settled over the room. I took a step towards him and just opened my arms, momentarily he was stood still, then he leaned down and wrapped his hands around my middle as mine went to the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry Min Ho,” I said, he didn’t let go, “You deserve better than this,” I said and pulled him closer, running my hand over his nape. As we stood there it felt as though a piece of my own heart was breaking, I could feel my throat getting drier, I shut my eyes tight.

I’m not sure if we were stood there for a minute or five but when he pulled away slightly, we looked at each other and for the first time I felt as though I saw him, really saw all of him.

“Whilst you’re here any preference?” he breaks out of the bubble and goes back to the stash as if nothing happened; I pull myself back together and kneel down next to him to look at options we have.

When we brought everything up Q looked directly at me, Min Ho placed the bottles on the table and rushed towards his room. I placed the ones I carried, and Q came right over, taking off the little apron he found leaving Julianna and Dae in the kitchen.

“How is he?” Q asks, and I lift my gaze from the table, the concern in his eyes mirrored that in mine.

I let out a sigh and shrugged my shoulders before replying in a hushed tone so they couldn’t hear in the kitchen, “He’s Min Ho, you know how he is, won’t say a thing,” I conveyed. Q nods knowing this would have likely been the case.

“He’ll come around when he needs to talk, for now it’s important we’re just here for him,” he said I agreed. When Dae announced they were done in the kitchen the four of us headed to get ready. Yuri laid her arm around my shoulder in a side hug as we walked to the room.

Yuri and I were the last to get ready the others were mostly done, the girls were playing music in the room, putting finishing touches to their makeup. None of us brought anything extremely fancy, but just enough.

The atmosphere in the house was much uplifted as everyone started having drinks and nibbling on the snacks. When Min Ho walked in and I couldn’t look away, he wore black trousers and a white sweater, his mood was too seemingly improved, he sent a smile my way.

Everyone was talking and dancing on the makeshift dancefloor, the table was pulled to the side, the drinks we’re going down as quickly for me as some others. Q and Jin were the sober ones as they both said that athletes don’t drink so at least I wasn’t the only one, though I was getting to the warm side of tipsy.

Coming back from the bathroom I spotted Dae and Eunice making out in the doorframe of one of the rooms and couldn’t help but smile, I was glad he was able to find someone who made him happy after how things ended with Kitty, especially since he wasn’t really over her at the start of this semester.

“Let’s do truth or dare!” Maddison announced after another shot as I made back into the room, a mixture of responses was heard but the red head quickly shot them all down, “Don’t all be babies, this is prime time to get to know everyone’s secrets,” she exclaimed falling back onto one of the sofas.

Everyone gathered around taking seats with their drinks.

“Okay I’ll start,” she said excitedly looking around at everyone as if they were her prey, “Okay, Julliana truth or dare?”

“Truth,”

“What is your favourite thing about Yuri?”

Julianna smiled at the question, resting her glass against her lips as she thought, “There’s just so many,” she laughed, Yuri looking at her expectantly, “The fact that she’s so unapologetically herself,” she said, and Yuri pulled her close and pressed their lips together. My eyes shot directly to Kitty who was looking everyone but at the couple.

“Okay, okay my turn,” Yuri said turning back to the crowd, “Q, truth or dare?”

“I’ll do a truth,”

“Who’s the best kisser you’ve ever kissed?” Q blushes and looks at Jin, his eyes shyly meeting his.

“Jin,” a series of aws and ews came out from everyone.

“Okay so, my queen of Choas,” Q started but Kitty threw him an exaggerated look of shock, “In retirement of course,” he finished lifting his hands in defence, if only he knew what Kitty had done before we left for this trip, “truth or dare,”.

“Truth,” she replied.

“Do you miss living with us,” he asked, and Maddison let out a boo, not juicy enough for her, but Kitty gave him a thankful look.

“Eh I basically spend the same amount of time at your dorm, apart from the sleeping fact,” she laughed, and Q gave her a side hug.

“Okay for that boring question lets do a never have I have, so drink if you have” the red head announced and looked towards Eunice.

The other girl furrowed her brows and made eye contact with Dae, “Never have I ever had a not so innocent dream about someone in the room,” she said. I lifted my glass to my lips whilst watching who else did, pretty much everyone, including Min Ho, everyone broke into trying to guess who dreamt about who.

Jin perked up “Min Ho yours has to be that girl you kissed in that music video for your dad this summer, surely,” but Min Ho only brushed him off.

Kitty quickly ceased control of the room “Okay, y/n truth or dare?”

“Truth,” I say not wanting to pick either really.

Madisson huffed, “Come on you guys let’s stop being boring!”, everyone else seemed to agree with her, convenient that she didn’t complain about that earlier.

“Dare,” I say giving in, and look back at Kitty with that mischievous glint in her eyes and am fully regretting my decision to give into peer pressure.

She smiled and proclaimed, “I dare you to kiss the person you find most attractive in the room,”.

Everyone’s eyes shot to me and an excited murmur started, I’m unable to take my eyes off my best friend, I knew she probably wanted to do good, but this was actually my worst nightmare.

“Kitty come on,” I try but no one jumps up to my defence. I look to Yuri and Q for some help but they both look like they want to see this play out.

Then Madisson’s new roommate Stella got out of her seat, she was always so quiet so all eyes shoot to her, “If you won’t do it I will,” she said with a new surge of confidence. Everyone looked confused, she made her way across the room to the wall on which Min Ho was leaning against.

His eyes scanned her face and a sick feeling started rising in my stomach, we are just good friends, maybe it was the alcohol not mixing well in my stomach. It’s not until her lips are about to touch his that I get up and rush out the room, saying I needed some fresh air.

Kitty tried to come after me, telling me its going to be fine that Stella had no chance against me and what not, but I just turned around and something in me exploded “How about you focus on your own love life Kitty, you need to tell Julianna the about what happened,” I whisper shouted.

Kitty’s face crumbled and she looked so hurt.

“Tell me what?” Julianna’s voice questioned as she appeared in the hallway.

Kitty and I turned to see her looking our way and Yuri standing beside her, Julianna looked between the two and a realization seemed to have struck her. Kitty tried to say something, to explain and I just walked away feeling even worse.

All of us had out swimsuits under our clothes cause we we’re going to end the night in the hot tub, so I headed out there now. Sitting warm water trying to keep my tears in check I could avoid the feeling of dread that I left in the house, still a few slipping gently down my face.

“Y/n,” a voice approached but I didn’t turn to him, I couldn’t, I just embarrassed myself and left Kitty to fend for herself, “come on,” he said sitting down on the side of the tub.

“I’m a terrible person,” I say simply, my whole body slumping into the hot water of the hot tub, being submerged made me feel numb.

“Can you come out so we can talk?”

“Nope, I’m going to sit in here until the water sucks me up whole and I disappear,” I admit and join my hands nervously under the water.

He sighted slightly and I could see him shuffling in the corner of my eye.

“If you won’t come out I’ll come in,”

“You really don’t have to,” I argue but he doesn’t listen, he steps in and settles in the water next to me.

“You’re not a terrible person,” he says and I turn to look at him momentarily.

“I got Kitty into shit with Julianna, I’m arguing with my parents over the most stupid thing, and I just keep ruining things for myself because I keep getting so anxious- I am like the worst,” I express looking out into the distance of the dark sky.

I feel him shuffle left to me, “come here,” he whispers and he pulls me into a hug, he’s warmer than the water, “The thing about Kitty was bound to come out at some point, and to be honest the longer it took the worse the outcome would have been,” he said brushing a hand down my hair.

I pull away slightly, “They broke up haven’t they?” I asked, his eyes softened, and he nodded, “and Kitty isn’t speaking to anyone?” I ask.

“Q went to sit with her, she won’t be angry at you forever, you guys will talk it out,” he reassured me.

I let out a half-defeated chuckle, “Who would have thought you could be somewhat wise,” I teased wiping a tear from under my eye.

“I am wise you’re just blind to genius,” he pulls one of his resting bitch faces and looks towards me with one brow raised and I actually let out a laugh.

“There she is,” he says and I can feel a smile spread across my lips, “So,” he says leaning on his arm to look at me, “who were you going to kiss?” he asked, his voice a whisper even though we were both alone out here.

I can feel the blush creep up the back of my neck and cheeks and hope that it’s too dark for him to see. The silene is peaceful and I could stay out here all night, with the mixture of fresh air and the hot water.

“Does it matter?” I ask turning towards him, I hadn’t realised how close he was sitting to me, I could feel my heartrate multiplying.

He smiles and shrugged, “I need more material for making fun of you,” he said but there was no harshness or mal intent behind it, an actual smile made its way onto my way and I shook my head, “Oh it was totally me,” and so the cockiness was back.

“Oh you wish,” I say with a challenge, the corner of his lips upturn, but my gaze falls down and my teeth sink into my bottom lip, “how was your kiss with Stella, I hear she’s been crushing on you,” I say with a sad echo of playfulness.

He shifted closer to me, “I didn’t kiss Stella,” he says, leaning his head against his fist, I watch his face waiting, “I told her there is only one person I want to kiss, and it’s not her,”.

His eyes flutter down to my lips, I can’t help but take in a breath and search his face.

“Who is it then?” I ask, so quietly you could almost miss it.

“It’s you, silly,” he says as if he were explaining it to a five-year-old.

The silence returned.

“Y/l/n”

I turned to face him again, his hand came up to move my hair behind my ear.

“Min Ho,” I say in tone that came out as a mix of a warning but also desire that was bubbling too close to the surface, we were crossing dangerous grounds here and there would be no going back.

His eyes went to my lips and mine to his. Then he was leaning in, I closed my eyes and let it happen. His lips against mine was much better than my imagine could ever do it justice, it was slow kiss, then another, and one more before he pulled away slightly and rested his forehead against mine.  

“I’ve been waiting a long while to do that,” he says and the strain in his tone brings out something in me. I put my arms around his hand and pull him onto another kiss, this one deeper, his arms found my waist and he pulls me closer and closer until I’m sitting on his lip.

“Better than you could have imaged, I know,” he says after he pulls away and laugh, moving my hand to splash him with water.

“I hate that Kitty was right. Again,” I say.

Min Ho runs a hand through his hair, “This is the only time I’m not mad that that girl is right,” he states.

Eventually we left the hot tub and made our way back inside, most people have dispersed to different rooms, the atmosphere definitely ruined. Kitty was sat crossed legged on the sofa staring at her phone as we walked in, Min Ho gave me a smile and pointed his head in her direction.

“Kitty,” I said nervously.

Her eyes shot directly to me, her eyes also red, she dropped her phone and rushed over to me pulling me into a hug, I squeezed her tightly.

“I’m so sorry,” I said, “I shouldn’t have said anything- it wasn’t my place-” I started to say rapidly btu Kitty interrupted me

“I’m also sorry, I’ve been so caught up in all this drama I didn’t even know you were fighting with your parents, and it’s good it got out now, it would have been so much more hurtful for everyone the longer it was kept quiet.

“I love you girl,” I said, tears building up in my eyes.

She giggled “I love you more,” she said pulling away, “and now I want to hear every detail about what just happened in that hot tub!” she squealed pulling to me to the sofa and pointing out the window a clear view of the tub, I hid my face behind me hands, “Looks like Kitty the matchmaker was right again,” she said proudly.

It was a relief that Kitty was able to forgive me, we spoke a little about Min Ho aware that he could be lurking around anywhere, then we talked about my fall out with my parents, and I dropped them a text saying we should talk when they wake up. Before we knew it was well past one in the morning and we agreed it was time for bed.

I paused in front of Min Ho’s door questioning whether to knock and say goodnight or if that was too weird.

“You go girl!” Kitty whisper cheered walking towards the room we slept in last night.

“Morning,” Katherine says when I walked through the front door, her and George were putting on their shoes and jackets.

“Off to get Jackie?” I asked already knowing the answer, I was curious about her, it would be nice to have another girl around.

“Yeah, are you staying around for dinner tonight? It’ll be nice for Jackie to have another girl around today I reckon,” Katherine asked, quite literally reading my mind.

“That would be nice thank you,” I answered, and George let out a laugh opening the door, Katherine gave him an inquisitive look, one brow raised.

“I thought we were past asking each other stuff like that Y/n practically lives here,” Katherine and I looked at each other and burst into a giggle, he wasn’t wrong.

“Alright well we better be off, Alex is in the living room with Issac playing some kind of video game,” Katherine announced grabbing her coat and leaning over to kiss the top of my head.

I muttered back a thanks and headed deeper in the Walter house and to no surprise I found my best friend exactly where Katherine said.

“Y/n hey!” Alex examined practically jumping out of his seat

“Dude! Dude the game- we’ve nearly-” Issac stood with the remote but quickly slumped back down into his seat as the television made a noise to signify the end of the game, “What the hell Alex, that was the closest we’ve ever gotten!” he continued to complain.

“Y/n’s here,” Alex simply pointed out, that Goofy smile on his face, all his teeth showing in his grin.

“Yeah, yeah Y/n’s here,” Issac mocked rolling his eyes at his cousin but giving me a smile and a fist bump as he walked past.

Soon enough Alex and I found ourselves laying around on the sofa with snacks and a random film on. I suggested we head outside, I wanted to work on my tan but he said him and Cole argued again and he was out there with some of the other Walter siblings. I tried not to roll my eyes, I know these boys love and care for each other so why make it so difficult.

“Your parents out of town again?” he sat up to look at me, I reluctantly tuned my head away from the tv and put down the popcorn bowl on the coffee table.

“Uh yeah, they’ve got another showcase a couple towns over, won’t be longer than three days,” I answered, mom and dad were well known by their refined tastes, before I was born they started being judges in all kinds of food showcases all around the country, it all slowed down after I was born but they were still offered lots of positions and sometimes they just couldn’t say no.

“You’re more than welcome to crash here,” Alex said, some of his smile seemed to crumble a little. It’s not that my parents weren’t good parents we just weren’t as close as the Walters and that was that. Plus, I have school, even if I wanted to travel with them when they did it wasn’t always possible.

“Hey, I need to look after Daisy,” I said with a smile, my golden retriever could not sleep unless she’s  in one of our beds, “Plus everyone else is still there,” I said confidently kicking his leg to brighten his mood. Mom and dad offer a program where you can come live on the ranch and help with the work for a small wage and all accommodation provided, people who want to travel jump at the opportunity all the time, we have a waitlist, it’s nice being able to meet people from all around the world.

“You know I’m always here for you right?” He asked all serious, hand reaching out to touch mine, I gave him a smile and his hand a squeeze and pulled him into a hug. It felt different somehow these last couple of weeks. I’ve liked Alex, like liked Alex for as long as I could remember and recently it started feeling like maybe he liked me too.

“I know, I’m here for you too,” I whisper back.

“We’re back!” George’s voice announced to the house, Alex stayed sitting on the sofa, but I walked up to the doorway.

“Jackie this is Y/n, Y/n Jackie,” Katherine said with a bright smile. I gave the girl a smile, she looked exactly as I expected she would, beautifully luscious hair and clothes with a scarily perfect posture.

“Hi,” I said reaching out my hand,” I live next door but half the time I swear I spend more time here,” I laugh, and a smile appears on her face, and she shakes my hand.

“Oh, and this is Alex,” Katherine says as we walk past the living room, my eyes go to him like muscle memory, but his don’t even glance my way, he’s looking at her. I feel something then near my heart, a new kind of pain, but I put on a brave smile.

“Theres still two bags in the car would you mind getting them?” George asked Alex who shook himself slightly out of his trance. He stood quickly and headed towards the front door.

Unsure what to do with myself, this was a new feeling, I followed Katherine and Jackie to the kitchen, she poured us some lemonade when her phone started to ring, and she excused herself. From what I gathered she was being called for a job, Katherine was incredibly hard working and did not get half the recognition she deserved.

She apologised and said she was needed for an animal emergency. The job of showing Jackie around was passed onto me and Will who had just walked through the door and introduced himself.

We headed outside and finally I was blessed with the rays of sunshine dancing on my skin, the weather was truly magnificent. Will continued pointing everyone out to Jackie and I looked at each of the Walters outside in turn, I really was lucky to be surrounded by these people, and Jackie would soon know that she ended up with the most loving people in the world.

“Who’s that?” she whispered to me when a certain blonde, very dramatically, flipped back his hair and climbed out of the pool. I shook my head turning to see her practically gaping at him and let out a giggle.

“That’s Cole, the big flirt of the town,” I explained, her eyes never left him.

“Do you want to introduce yourself?” Will asked, he was too busy answering Parker’s question to hear Jackie and I.

Cole sat back on one of the lounge chairs brushing his hair back with one hand, the other already resting under his head. He opened his eyes ever so slightly to look in our direction, “She’ll figure it out,” he said in that teasing Cole voice.

“Told ya,” I continued, and Jackie laughed, I looped my arm through hers, ‘I’ll show you to your room then,”

“And Cole and I will start brining up your belongings right?” Will commanded more than questioned, Cole let out a groan but got up.

After a few minutes Alex had bought up Jackie’s other two bags and started helping Cole bring up her boxes of stuff which there seemed to be a lot of. I sat there with Jackie helping her unpack her suitcases and giving her some insight into town and the school. I had to watch both the Walter brothers try to make her laugh and shine their beautiful eyes at her each time they interchangeably came up.

“So, are you related to the Walters or?” She asked when Alex left after dropping off another box, I couldn’t help but let out an audible laugh.

“Oh no, no, I’ve grown up next door so basically know them since we were all in diapers, but no not related” I explained and she nodded, placing some stationary precisely on her desk, “So if you ever needany blackmail let me know,” I whispered and we laughed together. Katherine was right, I hope I was making this easier for her.

Katherine arrived back in time for dinner, George prepared a barbeque, Alex and I set up some tables outside and bought paper plates. It almost seemed like any other dinner apart from the fact that Alex spent almost all of it staring or talking to Jackie. He wasn’t the only one though. Cole. This was my new reality I realised and start bracing myself mentally.

Even with the family’s insistence I left right after dinner with the excuse that I had some last minute homework I needed to finish for tomorrow’s English class. It had been a long day, and I just needed some space to process and breathe.

I was almost to the gate when Alex ran up to me, “Hey you alright?” he asked walking alongside me, I nodded and told him that I still needed to finish reading that one short story, which was true, and before he could tell me to just read his copy hear I asked him a question.

“What do you think of Jackie?”

“She’s, uh, she seems really nice,” he almost seemed a little flushed, “I’m excited to get to know here, I think she’ll like it here,” he said, “What about you? You guys seemed to get cozy gossiping away”

“She seems lovely, this obviously isn’t easy for her, it’ll be nice to have a girl my age around the ranch,” I said honestly, things were going to be different now, so I just had to learn to roll with it and make the best of it, even though I see exactly how this is going to play out, I need to gossip with Danny about it, see if he agrees.

***

It’s been just over two weeks since Jackie has arrived at the ranch, and so far things have been pretty normal, if not better. We hung out every day, I showed her around school, we avoided Erin together and I introduced her to Tara and Skylar, but her and I got close quickly.

I had to finish my group project with my science class mates and it was the worst experience of my life, they were all absolutely useless, as much as we aren’t really fond of each other I’d hope they’d be able to put those feelings aside just to finish this project but no, they like to make things difficult. Now I wanted nothing more than to flop on Alex’s bed with some ice-cream and complain about it for half hour whilst he tried and is mostly successful in making me laugh.

My plan was not going to go quite as I wanted though, I walk through the farm’s beautiful, wooden gates only to hear Alex and Jackie talking. At first I reminded myself to not think anything of it, they too were starting to become good friends, which was good- so why did it hurt hearing her laugh that enchanting, contagious laugh from inside the barn that contained the loft. Kid’s heaven as we liked to call it. Alex and I called it our getaway when we needed to talk about something serious, it was also a non-judgement zone.

I approached the barn cautiously in hopes of not being spotted, this wasn’t spying it was- information gathering to make the best possible choices going forward. Who am I kidding this was stupid, I needed to walk away or make myself obvious. Running a hand through my hair I turned to walk towards the house, maybe Katherine was around.

“Spying are we y/n/n?” Cole asked, causing me to jump slightly, one of my hands landing on my chest.

“Jesus Cole I’d like to live to my thirties- at least,” I let out wacking him on the arm, he let out a laugh, one too similar yet so different from Alex’s, yet his knowing glance didn’t change, “No I was not spying I just didn’t want to interrupt,” I said defensively brushing past him.

“Whatever you say…” he started, managing to get perfectly in step with me, “Suppose I don’t need to tell you then,” he continued to tease. I kept my sight ahead of me, lips pursing together, running my tongue over my front teeth, I would not give him the satisfaction.

Cole found out about my little thing for Alex from Erin, her and I used to be best friends before she became ‘popular’ she used the information to get Cole’s attention in the first place, but this didn’t mean I needed to give Cole the power now.

We kept walking towards the house in silence, it was eating away at me and my lack of patience. I let out a huff as we got onto the porch, “What were you going to tell me?” I asked reluctantly.

“Oh how I could bully you right now,” he clasped his hands together mischievously and I turned away from him to go into the house, “Okay, okay,” he said grabbing hold of my arm and pulling me back towards him, we both leaned over the railing.

“He likes her doesn’t he?” I asked even though I already knew the answer, I could see Cole nodding his head in the corner of my eye. Damn how quickly Alex Walter fell.

I turned to face him; he kept looking out at the fields.

“You like her too,” I said in a whisper, it was a realisation I hadn’t meant to voice out loud. He sucked in a deep breath.

“I mean I don’t really know her, she just moved her but-”

“You feel like you’ve known each other forever? There’s just something fascinating about her that you can’t let that little flame of hope give out?” I asked, completely monotone, I related too much to what I was saying.

“Wow we’re saddos,” he laughed nudging me to the side.

“Yeah we really are,” I said, leaning against the railing again.

“But you don’t want to hurt him do you? We don’t need a repeat of the Paige situation,” he tensed up at my words, even though Alex is my best friend all of the Walter kids are my friends and they’re all family. I know Cole didn’t know about Paige and everything was blown out of proportion. But the fact that it was all a miscommunication but we were still suffering the consequences now and we did not need another destructive wave.

“Come on lets crash their little moment,” he said changing the subject, refusing to talk about it, the normal playfulness of his voice gone. I sighed and nodded, we headed towards the barn in perfect time to see Alex brushing Jackie’s hair out her face.

“Uh-um” Cole’s voice beamed into the mostly empty building, both of them turned to us and stepped apart.

“Oh y/n I have to show you this new board game Jackie and I bought in an antique shop the other day,” he came towards me, turning around to smile at Jackie once more, “Don’t forget the book, it’ll be nice to talk to someone who actually likes the Hobbit,” he said playfully turning to me, “Unlike some who don’t appreciate the art,” he continued.

That comment should not have hurt as much as it did, it was a light-hearted joke but it felt like it was leaving a gap in my heart causing my heart rate to increase.

“I’ll see you in a bit Jackie,” I said with as much of a smile as I could muster, she nodded back, clearly not wanting to be left alone with Cole after the whole bleach situation, and the good friend part of my didn’t want to leave her stranded, but Cole is a good guy- for the most part- and he deserves a chance to apologise for his sometimes stupid behaviour.

Alex started to describe the game excitedly as we headed towards the house, we were walking up the stairs when a voice called from behind us.

“Hey, Alex, Y/n hold up! I’ll come play with you!” Jackie shouted jogging to come meet us, and that’s how I ended up playing a board game with the two of them subtly flirting for two hours before finally having a chance to excuse myself.

***

Mom and dad have never gone away over a holiday before, but this thanksgiving I was left all alone in our house. Or more accurately I was being left with the Walters. This was a different kind of travel though. My grandmother from my dad’s side was getting continuously worse but they didn’t want to interrupt my holidays and wanted to keep me in a routine, so they asked me to stay and took Daisy with them.

I had slept at the Walter house last night, Jackie and I fell asleep on the sofa watching Lemonade Mouth, I knew Jackie was dreading today and did not want to cook so I promised I’d cover for her and cook a plate in her honour instead while she went on her food delivery rounds. Little did she know her uncle Richard was coming to the dinner.

I wasn’t supposed to know either but I had accidently walked in when Katherine was on the phone to him and she did a little excited dance move when I assumed he agreed. I think this will be good for her, seeing a familiar face. Getting her to come back to the house for dinner without revealing the surprise was going to be harder.

I thanked Katherine for grabbing the supplies for some bacon-topped green bean casserole, mom’s favourite recipe and stepped into my chef era in the kitchen. My side dish can be eaten cold or heated up so I decided to cook before everyone else piled into the kitchen.

Singing along to one of my playlists I moved around the kitchen like it was my dance floor, I’m not a fantastic cook, but I’m not the worst so I just tried to make it fun whilst stimulating my short attention span.

I heard footsteps and a voice, not a great one, joining in. I smiled and looked up from the cutting board to see Alex dancing awkwardly around the kitchen island.

“Oh I love this song,” he enthused coming towards me, I tried to move away and resist, but he took the knife out of my hand cautiously and pulled me closer, both his hands in mine and we rushed around the kitchen singing our favourite song. I should have known the second this tune came on it would act as a whistle to the Walter boy.

He twirled me around five or six times causing me to get a little dizzy, we giggled like five year olds without a care in the world. Unfortunately, as the song came to end so did our moment. We stood there for a couple moments trying to catch our breaths. I couldn’t help but gleam.

One look at Alex’s red, out of breath face and I burst into laughter again.

“Stop it! Come on stop  it I need to breath,” he managed to get out between attempted breaths and laughter.

“Well, I didn’t know you were such a confident dancer Walter,” I said winking at him. He smacked my arm walking around to put some bacon in his mouth, “Leave it alone or we’ll have none for later,” I chided playfully.

“More of a confident dancer than a confident cook,” he said and I couldn’t agree with him more, “Thankfully mom has let me get away with just making the mash this year,” and we all thanked her for it.

“Do you remember that time you were trying to cook some chicken and somehow managed to get it spilt half over the floor and the rest drowning under the undercooked cheese sauce and almost gave both of us food poisoning?” I asked chucking a green bean into my mouth. He covered his eyes with his hands and sighed at the memory.

“How many times can I apologise for that? Also come on I was like twelve, how much can a twelve year old boy know about cooking?!” He asked running a hand down his face.

“Well, I’d assume more than that, your mom and dad are incredible cooks,” I said, then got interrupted when the phone on the counter started playing a happy tune, it wasn’t mine.

Alex picked up his phone to look at the caller before turning back to me, “Give me a sec just gotta answer this,” he said before sitting down and speaking into the phone. I run my hand over my nose and returned back to my station and cutting up the bacon into smaller slices, every now and then looking up to Alex, watching the smile that takes over his whole face, trying to guess who was on the other side of the phone even though deep down I think I already knew.

“Yes Jackie I’ll make sure to remind you about that later, okay bye,” he said followed by a laughter. My suspicions were confirmed and all of a sudden there was nothing more interesting in the room other than my cutting board, I was nearly done then I could get out of here for a couple of hours. If Jackie could so could I, especially considering I didn’t actually live here.

“I’m going to talk to her today, I’m going to tell her how I feel,” Alex announced bravely.

My hands stopped in motion, and I looked up at him, not quite sure I heard him right, “ You’re going to do what? Do you really think that’s the right thing to do? I mean especially now at thanksgiving when she’s missing her family and-” I started but cut myself off before I could ruin Jackie’s surprise for anyone else.

“Things have been going really well y/n, I thought you’d be happier for me if I’m honest,” a bit of his smile faded and I looked back down at my cutting board, throwing the rest of the bacon into my casserole.

“I just meant you guys live together, let’s say things go south, what happens then?”

“Why do you always have to be so negative about this, every time I talk to you about Jackie you get like this,” he was hurt, I could tell by the slightly change in his tone.

“I’m being realistic, you’ve got to think about the rest of the family as well,” I defended myself turning around to wash up everything I used I wanted to add you’ve got to think about me, how after all this time, when we too acted like that can you didn’t see me too.

He huffed and then just as his steps came closer they got further way, and with each beat my heart sunk further and further.

I spent the dinner watching him watch her, watching Cole watch her, and the whole debacle with her uncle go down and Erin sat two seats down from me- what was happening? How quickly do things go so out of control. He wouldn’t even spare me a glance, all of a sudden I felt invisible at the Walter table, which now I suppose that could happen effortlessly with purely the number of us.

We all sat in the living room later that evening, after Jackie decided she was going to stay, playing card games and laughing along to some general knowledge game show where people were barely ever right because the questions were so bizarre. Jackie left after a little while claiming she just needed some time to process this whole day.

What hurt was the way Alex followed her up a few minutes later like a lost puppy. I knew where he was going, what he was going to do and say, it was making me feel physically sick. Like someone was squashing both my stomach and my heart at the same time. I went to get some water. I took a few deep breaths while standing at the sink, but I still felt like I couldn’t breathe so I went out towards the barn. I sat on the fence and looked out onto the ranch, not allowing myself to look back at the house.

That wasn’t the worst of it though. I thought it couldn’t get worse, more painful, but never say never. Jackie called me up to her room later, I’m staying the night at the Walter’s for two more nights until my parents got back. Hearing her explain what happened in detail was much, much worse than sitting on the fence outside and imagining how it played out.

She sounded so excited talking about how they kissed and how he gave her this whole cute proclamation, she didn’t realise that every word, every description she gave me pushed a knife a little deeper into my heart. He took her to our spot where when the sun starts going down it shimmers perfectly between two tall trees. I nodded along and tried my best to feign excitement, but I couldn’t tell how good of a job I was doing, she was too caught up in her giddiness to notice if I was doing a shit job.

I knew it could be worse though I told myself, this whole explanation could be coming out of Alex’s mouth, and if it did I think I would actually, physically be sick. I couldn’t see him right now or talk to him. I needed to not be at the Walter house for a couple of days so I could avoid the incoming PDA.

I told Katherine one of the volunteers ended up coming back early after the holiday and that I offered to go spend the evening with them, so they weren’t alone, she wasn’t too thrilled about the idea but she let me go, I think she sensed my urgency but didn’t want to press. I think she probably knew more about what was at play here than we realised.

***

Over the next couple of weeks, the sight of Jackie and Alex became imprinted in my mind. I didn’t avoid either of them, but I didn’t go out my way to spend time with them either, mostly because they were always together and always touching, but it’s not like they showed much of an effort to reach out to me either. I knew of course that they were in the honeymoon stage, but I also knew the best way to stop breaking my heart was to limit contact.

When I realised that this thing was going to be a thing for a while I started reaching out to my other peers more, hanging out with new people in the time I used to spend with the Walter’s and Jackie. Turns out one guy from my science group was actually quite nice, and he wasn’t bad looking. No matter what he was not Alex but I could see myself being happy with Seb. We talked, called, and hung out more and more until we officially started dating, he agreed to attend the oldest Walter brother’s wedding with me which was kind of him since he didn’t really know any of them very well. I think that was why I was drawn to him; he was outside this bubble and I desperately wanted to get out too.

 “Aren’t you excited? You love the Walters,” Seb asked as we walked through the big wooden gate. My arm was looped through his. I took a deep breath and smiled, it was genuine, I was excited that Will and Hayley were finally doing what was going to make them happy and that we all got to be here to celebrate with them, in the place that we all love. Mom and dad already joined the Walter’s earlier to help set up.

We were met with the twins by the entrance to the field, and for today the wedding venue, many guests were already sitting down, Nathan sat on the other side of the gate tuning his guitar, I’m so glad they let him do this, it’ll be a memory he’ll hold for the rest of his life.

“You look beautiful,” Danny said as we got into conversation, Seb was seemingly finding many common subjects for them to talk about but my mind was distracted as I tried to stop myself from looking around and looking for him. Blue was my colour he’s said it himself many times before, maybe he’ll give me a compliment too, like he used to.

“Looking good Jackie,” Danny said as she came our way, mom said she basically planned this whole event by herself.

“You look great Jackie,” I added with a smile, she also wore a beautiful baby blue dress with a shoulder cover, her style choices never missed and whoever came up with the colour scheme should be given a bonus.

“You too Y/n, feels like I barely see you now a days, but we’re seated together so we’ll have the chance to catch up,” she smiled and reached out to hold me hand, “come on lets sit down we’re going to start in a minute”.  I called Seb and we went to sit down.

“Hi y/n you look lovely, Seb,” Alex came up to us to sit next to Jackie, we’ve talked here and there, and god did I miss him and his goofy smile. He put his arm around Jackie and we all talked a little, Seb’s hand landed on my knee and whilst usually it was quite nice right now it felt suffocating, like I was in a prison of my own making.

The actual wedding ceremony was beautiful, they both looked great and you could just tell by the glimmer in their eyes that they’re so in love. Everything was going smoothly until Cole’s speech, he didn’t do anything wrong, he was honest and spoke from the heart, whether I could believe entirely that it was just about Hayley and Will I wasn’t sure but who else but us kids would be able to tell.

It was during the speech that Alex started getting fidgety, I wanted to reach out and hold his hand, run my thumb over his skin soothing him  but I couldn’t, Jackie wasn’t helping much either, staring at Cole as if he’s some kind of god, eyes almost watering as he spoke.

Seb put his arm around me and I learned into him, my head on his shoulder eyes closed. When I opened them back up after Cole finished Alex was looking directly at me. I gave him a smile, but he looked away quickly.

 I regretted complimenting the flowers as soon as Nathan explained their meaning and Jackie’s and Cole’s eyes found each other like magnets again, but when I looked to Alex his eyes were once again on me, he put his arm around Jackie and whispered something in her ear, she nodded but her eyes were cautious, unsure.

The dancing began soon after, Seb quickly asked if I wanted to dance sensing the awkward atmosphere at the table, he wasn’t so good with dealing with awkward bless him. Jackie and Alex didn’t take long to join us, they danced closer together whispering in each other’s ears, his hand ran up and down her arm.

I couldn’t watch any longer, “I’m sorry, I need to just take a second,” I hurried out of Seb’s, who now looked very confused, arms and towards the house. I could hear him faintly asking if he wanted me to come but I couldn’t answer, I grabbed onto my chest trying to get myself to breathe normally. I hope my exit wasn’t as dramatic on the larger scale as it felt.

The downstairs bathroom was girl heaven in this house, the one place where all you could smell was some kind of flowers, every surface was constantly clean and it was a clear zone from the Walter boys.

“Y/n/n,” a voice asked followed by a series of knocks, I would know that secret pattern anyway, I wiped my nose again, I wanted to tell him to go away, I didn’t need him seeing me like this, pitying me. “Come on Y/n can we talk?”, after a few seconds he still stood there, waiting, “I know I’m idiot, please,” this time I could clearly hear the desperation in his voice.

I opened the door and leaned to sit back down on the side of the bath. I didn’t want to meet his eyes. He reached out for my arms and lifted me up, my gaze still on the floor. I wasn’t expecting him to pull me into the biggest embrace of my life. I frozen for a second unable to move, but I melted into the hug, my hands sound their way around his neck and he pulled me closer.

“I’m so sorry Y/n I’ve been an idiot, who didn’t know what good he had until he lost it,” he pulled away just enough to see my face, “and now I’ve made you cry, wow I really am the worst,” I chuckled at this.

“I ended things with Jackie, I think we were both pretending that we worked because we were both scared,” he said with contemplation.

“Scared of what?” I asked but it came out as a whisper.

He looked between both of my eyes, his hands unravelled from around me to secure a place on my face. We were so close I could feel his breath on me.

“To do this,” he whispered back and closed the gap between us, his lips met mine, my hands went to his waist and he pulled me closer and closer. When he pulled away it seemed like I was in some starstruck haze, we’d kissed before at some party playing spin the bottle but that was nothing compared to this.

“Will you forgive me? Can we start this over?” He asked hopefully. I wanted to immediately jump into his arms and kiss him again but then there was Jackie and Seb.

“What about Jackie?” I asked weakly.

“I think we both know her and Cole have had this connection from the beginning it, but I was her safe option, just like she was mine and Seb is yours, my god I couldn’t watch any time his hands came anywhere near you, knowing that should have been me, it could have been me all along,” he said and this time I went on my tip toes, arms around his neck and kissed him like I’ve never been kissed before. Now I would just have to figure out a way to tell Seb.

“Don’t think you’re completely off the hook for ditching me for a girl,” I said walking out of the bathroom with a glance over my shoulder.

“Oh no I know I’ve got to work for it, but where are you going I want to kiss you, I need to kiss you come back!” he called trailing behind me.

“I need to talk to Seb,” I said solemnly, though I’ve got to admit a wedding is the worst place for all of this to work out. Seb was very understanding, I think he could tell what was coming from miles away but wanted to give me the benefit of the doubt. We hugged one last time and he went over to talk to Danny and some of the others.

Jackie started walking towards the barn, Cole must have ran away too, I chuckled to myself, she turned around for a second meeting my eye. She gave me a bright smile and put up both her thumbs up at me, I put a thumbs up back, and that was how I knew we were okay.

“So you want to dance?” Alex asked pulling my attention back to him. I agreed but only if it was proper dancing not whatever weird arm tugging thing he was doing with Jackie.

And so we danced the night away, all of us kids being the last ones left out in the night. We sat around and talked, played board games in one of the tents till morning, it was finally like everything was in place.

I leaned my head on Alex’s shoulders as everyone started heading to bed. Now everything was in place.

“Apart from the fact that I vomited on you right?” I tried to defuse the energy that was building up here with a laugh.

“Eh, could have been worse,” he started and turned around to face me again holding two candles, “Alright this is all of them now,”. We took a couple each and laid them around the kitchen and the living room.

“Can you pass me the lighter from the kitchen?” Cole called from the other room, I picked it out from the ‘anything and everything’ draw that every family has in their house and walked to the other room.

The darkness made it hard to see, but the outline of his frame was as clear as day, it felt as if I knew his frame well enough to find him anywhere.

“Thanks,” he reached for the lighter and our hands touch. As cliché as in every book I’ve ever read and every romcom I’ve ever watched. His hands weren’t soft or rough they were the perfect medium, he’s helped George on the farm since he was young and played football but there was still a compassionate side to him, one that he didn’t like to show.

His thumb brushed over my hand, he looked down briefly and I knew I should pull my hand free and step away, knowing the feelings Alex had for me. Even though he knows I don’t share the same feelings back I would still feel wrong to do this with his brother. Then Cole’s eyes came up to meet mine and he opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out.

“If you want to start lighting up the candles, I’m just going to check the kids are asleep,” I explained rushing towards the stairs with one last gentle smile. That was another good reminder, everyone else may be at some fancy party but we were still looking after the younger Walter siblings.

Just as I had expected they were all still asleep tucked away just how Katherine had settled them down. The Walter’s slept hard, nothing wakes them up, not even a ranging storm with killer winds apparently.

After checking up on all of them I head towards the stairs again, but something catches my eye as I go to lower my foot onto the first step. A little packaged box on a dresser in Cole and Danny’s room. I tear my eyes away from it and take the first step. Yet just as quickly as I looked away, I looked back to the little brown box with the blue bow.

I stepped lightly to avoid any squeaky board; the box was sat there surrounded with a mix of both the boy’s stuff. I raised my brows in confusion, I knew I shouldn’t be doing this, that I was invading their privacy, but the inquisitiveness got the best of me. If it’s Danny’s, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind anyway.

From the handwriting on the note at the top I could immediately tell that it wasn’t Danny’s, his handwriting much neater, almost cursive, which I still found impressive. It just said my name, I opened the folded piece of paper and had to read over the short note a couple of times before it registered.

‘It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply’

My mom’s favorite quote staring right at me. The quote I told Cole that day when…

***

We had just finished our shift at the cider stand, Will and Alex had already packed everything up into the van. Alex was less than impressed by the fact that Cole decided to come out of his depression cocoon to come and help and help he did. He auctioned himself away for an afternoon and helped us raise over double of the money we needed for the new auditorium.

“You fancy a little detour?” He asked, looking away from the road momentarily with a half smirk my way, I shook my head but a light smile still found its way onto my lips.

“What are you thinking?” I asked, I couldn’t disguise that I was curious, getting to know Cole was hard. Some days he was rays of sunshine and an open book other days, most days, he shut himself out, hiding behind a carless façade. I was guilty of the fact that I wanted him to sweep me away for a while into his own world.

“It’ll have to be a surprise,” he said, the smile still there when he looked bacl onto the road, I may have not been here long yet but I knew the second he took a different turn. We drove through some more woodlands until we came to a clearing, the sky absolutely clear.

When I stepped out of the car a fresh breeze flushed against my skin, it was refreshing.

“So… what do you think?” he says walking ahead of me. I followed not too far behind looking around taking in the surroundings. The river flowed surrounded by more trees and low rocks.

“It’s really beautiful here,”

“Alright come on then!” He shouted louder as he started to run towards the river

“Cole where are you going!” I called back, stood still watching him.

“Well we can’t go home now!” He turned around momentarily, gesturing me over with his hands. I shook my head and shut the car door, following behind him, my hair flowing in the wind beneath my hat.

When I finally caught up the sound of the gushing river was clearer and there he stood on some rocks, his back to me, jacket on the ground. He reached down to grab something, I stepped onto the same rock, more cautiously than him.

“There, for you,” he pushed the flower he was holding out towards me. I eyed him cautiously, his teasing side coming out, “Come on, I’m being nice,” his head tilted slightly.

I gave in reaching for the purple flower, he pulled it back a little with a laugh and I shook my head slightly, he pushed it my way again but lets me take it this time. In the exact same moment, he steals the hat off my head.

“Hey!” I shouted going to reach for it, he moves away, flaunting the hat in different directions, taunting me with it, “This is not fair,” I claimed moving towards him away. He’s laughing and I’m laughing, and it feels like a weight lifted off my chest.

I stop for a second, Cole stops too a moment later, that cheeky smile playing his lips. In that moment of calm I reached for the hat and his coat that was now next to my feet.

“Hey that wasn’t part of the rules!” He called coming after me this time, I’ve suddenly gained the confidence that I won’t fall into the water.

“Oh sorry, didn’t realize there were any rules,” I answered in the same tone, I moved another couple of steps and turned to start running onto the grass. Cole’s arms found their way around me as he tried for the jacket. I turned my head to face him, our faces centimeters apart. He pulled me closer laughing into the back of my neck.

“Okay okay, draw?” He asked his breath still on the back of my neck

“Deal,” I said taking a step forward as his grip eased, his hands followed the shape of my waist until the comforting touch was gone. He took the jacket and laid it out on the rock, laying down on half of it. I sat down next to him on the jacket as well.

“Do you feel any better now?” He asked after a moment of silence, my eyes focused on the river. The last couple of days have been rough, not only was I feeling homesick for New York, it had also officially been six months since the accident. It was all overwhelming, especially with Erin giving me a hard time.

I let out a breath before answering, “Yeah, thanks for this,” I said turning to look at him, he smiled and nodded, his arms followed behind his head. Whilst I knew a part of him took me here to make me feel better, I knew it was so that he could get away for himself too. We weren’t running from reality exactly, but taking a break.

“You know what my mom used to say?” I said laying down beside him, he turned on his side, leaning his head against his arm so he was looking down at me, “she always said that it’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so deeply,” I put a hand over my brows to guard them from the sun, and so I could see his face, hoping he understood what I was saying, I was here if he needed to talk. No matter how much he was hiding behind his persona I knew that he cared.

He nodded and laid back down, taking a deep breath. It didn’t feel like we were there for that long with the sun glimmering on our faces, it wasn’t until a call from Katherine came through that I realized that we’d been here for well over an hour.

“We should probably get back, mom does not like it when we don’t make it home for dinner,” he said getting up and offering me his hand. I squinted my eyes but reached for the help, of course he pulled back his hands ever so slightly. I shooed him away and went to get up myself.

“I’m not falling for that again,” I laughed.

“Oh come on I’m sorry,” he pulled that face where his eyes were the center of the universe it was truly quite mesmerizing. I reached my hand out again grabbing his jacket in the other and passing it to him. I walked a few steps ahead and he put it around my shoulders and we walked back to the car.

***

Underneath all the tissue paper there lays the small, beautiful music box that Parker accidentally knocked over; it was no longer smashed to pieces. I opened it and immediately the little figurine inside started to swirl around and a low song started to play.

I could feel the tears beginning to build in my eyes, my lips shaking. I closed the box and pulled it close to myself, arms around it tightly. The quote was right, these feelings were a blessing and a curse. They made me feel happy and good but on the other hand I feel like I’m betraying one for another.

“So, Y/n are you going to make me this famous hot chocolate of yours?” Cole says from the bottom of the stairs, I push the music box back into the little packages and press the note back at the top laying it back in the exact spot it was before. My heart beating twice as violently as it was before. I try even harder not to make a sound leaving his room.

“Coming!” I whisper-yelled back, in the kitchen now lit up by about a dozen candles it was clear how dark it was outside, I was glad that we managed to clear everything from the yard into the barns before the rain started.

“I’ve got everything prepped,” he said proudly and in the little candlelight it was as if I was seeing his face people for the first time. In the silence, no distractions, and his smile protruding through even the worst of the weather.

“If you take a picture, it’ll last longer,” he retorted, and I looked away with a scoff.

“Yeah, you wish, I guess I didn’t realize how bad it was outside until now,”

“It’ll be alright, it’s predicted to be a minor storm, the ranch has survived much worse. There was this really bad one once when I was about eight. I genuinely thought the wind was going to rip out the foundations of the house, or the rain was going to break through the roof and drown us,” he laughed to himself, pushing the two mugs towards me alongside the chocolate power, milk, vanilla and some other ingredients I asked for.

“I imagine how that could be scary for an eight year old,” I reassure working my magic with my ingredients.

“Don’t worry I’ll keep you safe tonight,” the teasing in his voice clear, he took a step towards me his face beside mine but I focus on the coco powder. It just feels like every time we could be having a moment, something vulnerable and real he disconnects. He’s said he’s a flirt and maybe that’s just that- but then what about the note and my music box?

“Haha you’re just so funny, are you just trying to hide the fact that you’re still scared?” I retort, keeping my composure, pushing his face away with one of my hands, he takes a step back and laughs shaking his head.

“Whatever makes you feel better New York,” he comments watching me heat up the milk.

He holds both our mugs as we make our way into the living room, it’s even prettier in here, he’s started the fire and lit up all the candles around it. I can’t help but give him a smile, there’s a spot perfect for the two of us.

“Go on try it,” I prod after we sit down, he looks down in the mug first and smells it, “I’m not trying to poison you if that’s what you think,”

“Alex would like it if you were,” he laughs lifting the mug to his lip, he takes a big sip and licks the whipped cream off of his top lip.

“Don’t say stuff like that, you guys may fight but you’re brothers it’s bound to happen, but you care for each other and I know he would protect you with all he’s got,” I assure him, he doesn’t say anything back to this, he avoids the subject like the plague even when he’s the one who brings it up.

“This-,” he says instead, looking down at the mug in his hand again, I couldn’t read his face if I tried, one of his brows raises for a split second as if he’s trying to organize all his thoughts about the chocolate. I know that it’s good but, in this moment, I’m metaphorically sat on the edge of my seat, eager to know his thoughts. “Is amazing, sweet and spicy at the same time, who the hell came up with this?”

The second those words come out of his mouth I feel myself beginning to be able to breathe again, the tension in my shoulders dissipates and I reach for my mug, “I did tell you, have some more confidence in me Cole,” I announce proudly and take a sip of the angelic drink.

His eyes watched me, I could feel his stare everywhere on my body, as if he was actually trailing his fingers over my skin.

I put the mug down, half gone already, Cole let out some sort of laugh and shifted closer to me, his hand reached towards my face, and I was frozen. My eyes watching his and his watching mine. Almost automatically my body and face shifted towards him. A smirk quired up on one side of his mouth. He brushed his thumb across my top lip.

“You had a bit of… whipped cream,” he said moving back just enough to show me, he licked it off his finger. Were either of us to move even slightly we could break the distance between us.

I’m scared. Sat here with him like this feels like a fever dream, like any second a sudden move could shatter this illusion, because this couldn’t be real, any second he’s going to pull back with some sort of snarky comment, and I’ll look like a fool.

But he wasn’t moving, and neither was I.

“I saw the music box, you fixed it,” I whispered into the space between us, my voice sounding as though it could break any moment.

“Nothing is ever too broken to be fixed, that’s something else your mom used to say right?” he whispered back, the shadows of the candles and the fire danced across his face.

“I hope you know how much that means to me. Thank you.” I was raw and honest, even with the things between us left unsaid, for the better, he deserved this, “For the music box, for my mom’s quotes, for letting me see the glimpses of the real you,” with each word my heartbeat sped up.

“I would do anything for you if you let me,” He murmured as if speaking any louder would smash this fragile thing happening around us right now. The tip of his finger grazes across my cheekbone, his eyes follow the line. I never feel his touch, just the ghost of it, sending shivers through my body that I try my best to keep from showing.

I scan his face, every beautiful angle and feature that makes him perfect, just the way he is.

I want to. I want to let him in so badly, to let him know every corner of my heart, I want to be fully immersed in whatever this is we’re building here, for him to have me, for me to have him but all that comes out is, “I want to,” because the foundations were building here are rocky and not stable.

His gaze shifts from my one eye to the other then to my lips and again.

“But you can’t because of…” he lets out so quietly I almost miss it

“I don’t have any feelings for him Cole,” there was a shift in his expression at my words, a guilty smile, “but he’s your brother, he’s one of my closest friends and he lives here too, this isn’t just about us, there’s your family,” I argue, but my excuses are sounding weak even to myself.

He moved closer, his knee touching mine, his breath warm.

Without further thought I laced my arms around his neck, running my fingers from the sides to the back pulling him close. A simple kiss, which did not last long enough. It was short, controlled. I pulled back realizing what I had just done. Maybe we just needed it out of our systems.

Still no words were exchanged, we just looked at each other. I knew I needed to move, to get up and out of the room but when his hand found its way to my forearm and pulled me towards him, I just gave in.

His hands explored my neck, cheeks and hair as the kiss became more passionate. I could feel my cheeks glowing a bright red, thankful it would be too hard to see in this light. Finally, he settled them on either side of my face whilst one of my hands found its place on his neck, the other exploring the honey-blonde hair on the nape of his neck.

I don’t know how long we were kissing but when he pulled away to look at me I knew it hadn’t been long enough. Both our chests heaving, me certain that my heart was about to give out. It felt so right I couldn’t let this slip away from me.

I grabbed onto his neck and pulled him towards me again. The kiss wasn’t rough, but it was filled by a burning need. All those months of the back and forth, the uncertain, the toying around the subject and now finally. Finally, I got to feel what this burning passion meant. What I’ve never felt with anyone else.

His hand one hand travelled to my neck, his thumb brushing comfortingly, his other pulling me towards him, I don’t know how much closer we could get until he was pulling me onto him. My legs on either side of his body. Chest to chest. Only clothes between us.

“Cole,” I whispered when his mouth travelled down my jaw to my neck kissing every inch of exposed skin. He paused cautiously, checking with his eyes that I was okay, that he wasn’t taking it too far. I nodded entangling my hand in locks, the hot chocolate long forgotten.

It was a euphoric feeling until my heart stopped when we heard the door open. I pushed off his lap and he helped me up.

“Hey, are you guys alright the lights aren’t-” Alex stopped when he made it to the doorframe to the living room, his eyes quickly found mine, then Cole’s, he hadn’t seen anything, no one would know, but even just seeing us here together, surrounded by candles could give anyone the impression.

“The storm blew out the electric box,” I said, my walls building right back up, keeping this eye contact while I could see the hurt in his eyes was more painful than I could have imagined but I couldn’t look away, then he’d know something had in fact happened. The light came back on with a click in the hallway.

“It’s because of the storm, what happened?” George asked walking into the living room, Katherine beside him, she gave me a weak smile.

“I’m going to check up on the kids, you guys make sure all the candles are blown out, let’s not start any fires tonight,” she added a cheerful tone and a chuckle but the still the tension in the room could probably be cut with a knife. Whether she meant literally or metaphorically I agreed with her, I did not want anything to explode between these two Walter boys.

“She managed to get it to work for a few minutes, but it gave out again, we thought it would be safer to leave the box alone,” Cole confirmed to his dad who nodded in agreement. I didn’t look at Cole as he volunteered to help his dad with the candles in the kitchen.

I thought Alex would say something when we were left alone. It looked like he really wanted to say something, but he just shook his head slightly and ran upstairs. I bit into my bottom lip and closed my eyes. It’s not like I hadn’t told him that I didn’t feel the same way, still the guilt washed over like a destructive wave. I took a deep breath and after a second started to blow out the candles before heading up to my bedroom.

***

I tossed and turned every few minutes in my bed for what felt like hours. I heard someone come out of their room half an hour ago, I assumed it was one of the Walter’s going to the toilet, but the person went downstairs, and was yet to come back up. Something in me knew it was Cole, he probably couldn’t sleep like me.

After another few restless minutes, I let out a huff and sat up in bed. All of the emotions were still buzzing and brewing inside my body. I threw my comforter off me and put on a hoodie and some outdoor slippers. Before I knew it, I was tip-toeing my way downstairs hoping I was doing a better job than whoever had gone down before me.

Walking out the front door I could see the beginning of the sunrise, at what looked like the other end of the world, out there in the fields the first sights of amber and yellow were rising out of the grass in the horizon.

I spotted Cole immediately sitting on the railing looking out at the view. The ranch was truly a magnificent sight, it was breathtaking, how could anyone not fall in love with this place just seeing this.

I stepped on one of the weaker wooden panels which let out a single sound, Cole looked around instantly, but the smile that shone on his face mere hours ago was not there now.

“I won’t break my brother’s heart ever again” he starts solemnly, “But I can’t not want you, how could I not?” he looked at me, the tears in my eyes are again threatening to spill. He hopped down and walked over to me. Nothing more said.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, laying his head on top of mine. I laced my arms around his torse, holding him tightly in the quiet of the post-storm, looking out at sunrise like it was a painting in a gallery to be looked at for hours.

“Your mom was right when she said it’s a blessing and a curse to feel so deeply” he whispered into my hair and I just tightened my hold on him. She was always right, and hell did I wish she was here now to tell me what I can do to make this all stop hurting.

What’s happened can’t be taken back now, the consequences long-term are yet to be seen and I suppose I’ll just have to take it day by day. Navigate this chaos of events and feelings. Hoping that it’ll all work out.

“Y/n you are not allowed to go!” My mother shouted as I made my way downstairs at eight o’clock.

“Stop babying me for God’s sake! I’m telling you I feel fine, I’ll be back in a couple of hours!” I screamed back, I just wanted to go to a party with my friends, I knew I had limits now and that I had to be careful. Still, I couldn’t stay locked in forever.

“Y/n you are getting weaker, are you trying to give your father and I a heart attack?” she asked, her voice still raised but there was a falter, it made me turn right around on my heel. There she was, standing on the top step with tears in her eyes. I could feel my own gloss over. I took a deep breath and looked up in an attempt to stop any tears falling, I was only wearing waterproof mascara but still-

“You’re our little girl and we just want to protect you,” Mom said, face flooded now, lowering to sit on the top stair, she was getting more tired now too.

“Mom I’m eighteen, I don’t know if I will make it through chemo this time and I can’t let it make me live in fear. I won’t let it make me hide around my room if this is my last summer,” I said with urgency and plea.

“It’s going to be a long program Y/n, and it’s going to take lots of strength, both physical and emotional but don’t you dare say you are not going to make it. You will beat it. We just don’t want you to get overwhelmed,” Dad’s voice echoed gently as he came out of our kitchen and pulled me into a hug.

“I know-” I paused looking between both of them, my cardigan in one hand and phone in my other, “I’ve signed up for the program and I will fight this cancer again but there’s nothing I can do now but wait around until the first round of chemo begins again, and who knows what I’ll be able to do after it?” I asked, I didn’t know whether I would live, and if I did how long I’d be weak, I didn’t want to miss out on these teenage years.

I felt dad brush his hand down my arm with a sigh, he looked up to mom who shook her head and couldn’t lift her gaze.

“I know, I’m sorry honey, but you know that if anything happens you call us right away, no matt-“ she began, standing up, but I cut her off.

“No matter where I am, no matter what I’m doing and there will be no questions asked,” I finished off for her, she smiled weakly and started making her way down to dad and I.

“Or you call for medical help first depending on what’s happening,” she informed me, at this point she’s said this to me so many times that I have the words tattooed inside my brain.

“I love you guys,” I said as they both squeeze me tightly just before a car horn sounds outside.

“Tell Connie we said hi and ask him to tell his mom we’ll bring that extra table for the barbeque party tomorrow when we come over for dinner,” Mom relayed to me as I slipped on my shoes.

“I will do,” I said quickly opening the door to slide out. I saw him first, Conrad Fisher, sat behind the wheel, his contagious smile and beautifully messy hair. Then I saw them, Belly, Jeremiah and Steven sat in the back all looking at Belly’s phone who sat in the middle, they were all laughing. I couldn’t believe the summer was nearly at it’s end and I got to spend it these wonderful, and slightly annoying, people.

“Omg Y/n you have to see this video Tylor filmed! This girl just found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with her best friend so both she and the best friend chucked milkshakes at him! I’m so glad Taylor filmed this!” Belly exclaimed the second I opened the car door, pushing from up from her seat and shoving the phone in my face, I didn’t even get time to look before she leaned back and sat down muttering “Damn, Harry is not gonna have fun at school this year,”.

We all broke into a laughter, I turned to Connie who had his eyes on me since the moment I got in the car, I started relaying my parent’s message about the chairs and he leant over to kiss me.

“Okay we get it, you guys are in love but we have a party to get to!” Jeremiah exclaimed grabbing on my headrest to lean his body forwards into our space. I let out a laugh pulling away from Conrad.

“I love you,” he mouthed to me, I did the same back before he turned to his focus to the car and reversing in my driveway. The journey to the house party, I didn’t even know who was hosting this one, was filled with laughter and teasing to the point that Belly had actual tears running down her face.

“I am so glad you made me invest into waterproof mascara Y/n!” Belly said running her fingers under her eyes wiping away the tears. I loved having Belly around, another girl was great to have around, her being like a little sister to me. Even though it came with both its ups and downs of siblings like all the clothes she would ‘borrow’ and never give back, but she’s a good kid.

The party is looking well underway when we arrive, there’s flashing, changing lights to be seen through the windows and the music is echoing down the street. Some new trending song is blasting as we walk through the door. Belly quickly runs off to meet some friends she made at the country club, Jere was dragged away by some good looking guy whom he looked more than friendly with leaving me, Connie and Steven to head to the drinks table.

“Are you actually gonna drink with us tonight Y/n/n?” Steven asked leaning a cup in my direction. I really wanted to, I couldn’t express to anyone how much I wanted to fully let loose, drink away my worries for the night. But I couldn’t.

“Nah I’m good,” I tried to play it off cool, but he started play arguing with me.

“Alright let it go Steven,” Con said after a minutes, I lay my hand on his arm in a silent thanks.

“Okay well I’ll leave you loser to it I’ve just spotted Shayla coming in,” he announced already walking backwards to the beautiful girl.

“Are you alright?” Con’s voice pulled me away from the vision of Steven wrapping his arms around her shoulders, he had whispered something in her ear which made her erupt into this blooming, true laugh, they made each other so happy.

“What? Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” I said, pulling on a big smile, it wasn’t exactly a lie. I felt fine, more than fine standing here with him right next to me.

“It’s just you’ve not been wanting to drink, and not to pin you as an alcoholic or anything,” he defends quickly, “But you’re usually first to call shots,” he laughs pulling me closer as some guys come to the drinks table, it still swells my heart, his little tics of jealously and protection.

“I told you, it’s been really bad for my skin recently and I am not sacrificing this,” I reassured pointing to my face, “Plus it’s kind of funny being sober and watching everyone else make fools of themselves,”

“Can’t argue that,” he says, we settle into a comfortable silence, Con wasn’t drinking tonight he was nominated DD, so the two of us had to entertain ourselves sober. We weren’t standing around for too long when Getaway Car by Taylor Swift came on and I dragged him to the little makeshift dance floor in the living room.

We sang to each other as he led our little dance twirling me around every once in a while. Loads of the girls including Belly joined us screaming along to the bridge.

“God you’re perfect you know that? I think I’ll be crazy about you forever,” Con half shouted over the last chorus and I just shook him off with a gentle shove

“I love you,” I said pulling him into a massive hug. The second the song ended we noticed Jere and Steven stood in the doorway calling Con over, some kid was doing flip tricks on the trampoline and in their words ‘It was so sick! He’ll probably actually be sick if he doesn’t take a break!’

Connie was hesitant to leave me for a second, but I pushed him to the boys, they deserved his time as much as I did. I turned to the girls, and we danced to whatever song came on next, and the next and the next. By the fourth or fifth song I started to feel lightheaded.

“I’m just gonna find a bathroom real quick,” I shouted over to Belly tapping her shoulder, someone had turned the music up. She nodded and gave me a thumbs up before tipping the rest of her vodka lemonade in her mouth.

The bathroom downstairs had too long of a cue so I headed for the stairs in the entryway. Was someone turning up the music again or was it just the sound echoing in my head? I held onto the railing, but my legs were starting to feel heavier with each step. I had just managed to reach the landing, I wasn’t sure which door led to the bathroom, so I ambled to the closest door, it was a bedroom. A double bed in the center surrounded by deep blue wallpaper. It felt as though I was in the ocean somewhere, drifting away.

The bed frame was not giving me much support, I lowered myself to the ground, there was a small thud as I hid the wooden panels. I don’t think I let out a sound but before I knew it someone was rushing into the room.

“Y/n what’s going on?” the voice asked, I looked up but my sight was hazy, “Y/n?” the voice repeated, it was Steven taking a few careful steps towards me.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine just a little tired, I think I overheated a little downstairs I should have been drinking more water,” I said attempting to shoo him away with my hands, but in reality, I didn’t want him to leave, I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to get up without him.

“Y/n you’ve been off all summer so cut the bullshit, since when do we lie to each other?” he asked coming closer, his honestly sounded sober.

“My,” I start and feel something bubbling within me, I cried for an hour when I was diagnosed again, then I told myself I wasn’t allowed to again until after summer, I was allowed to be happy and excited for the summer without thinking about- “My cancers back Steven, and I-”

“I’m sorry you what?” Steven asked cutting me off, as if an animated character his jaw actually dropped, he was kneeling next to me in seconds, pulling me into a hug. I shut my eyes wishing that I had left earlier or taken a night off and rested like mom had suggested, “Conrad! Get in here,” Steven shouted repeatedly brushing a hand through my hair.

“What? Y/n? What happened? Steven what happened?” Conrad asked manically flinging himself to meet his body to mine, “Are you okay?” He asked again as he got no answer to his first lot of questions. He brushed his hand down my arm.

“I’m so sorry,” I let out with a sob, shaking my head from side to side, I saw Belly run in confused with Jeremiah behind her. Others seemed to be crowding at the door but Jere quickly shut it firmly, announcing “Nothing to see here! Go grab some alcohol and make out or whatever,” before turning his attention back to me.

Now this was truly my worst nightmare, they were all looking at me, apart from Steven who had curled up and looked at the floor next to me.

“I’m sorry that I ruined our last summer together,” I said

“Y/n what are you talking about, what happened?” Belly asked brushing some hair out of my face.

“It’s back and I- I don’t think it’ll go away this time,” I whisper as if saying it out loud would mean that it was true, that I was hurting everyone around me once again.

“What’s back?” Jere asks nonchalantly at first before a realization hits him “You don’t mean-” at this Belly burst into a wail.

I looked up at Conrad, he was just staring at me, I couldn’t read his reaction at all. I brushed my hands up and down his arms, it was as if he was frozen it time. I needed him to say something, just that action was wearing me out.

“Come on let’s get you home,” Jere said, his eyes red, he was trying to be a voice of reason, be the one who doesn’t break down so he can support the rest of us. When had he become this grown up? “This isn’t a place for a conversation like this,”.

I can’t quite place what emotion was flowing through me as I was basically carried out of the house with one arm around Con the other around Steven. The whole thing seemed in slow motion to me, all the faces in the crowd of my friends and drunk strangers. How many of them realize what’s actually happening and how many of them simply thought I’d gotten hysterically drunk?

The ride back to my house was quiet other than Belly’s phone call to my mom and then Susannah and Laurel letting them know where they were all going. I was ushered into bed by mom and listened to the heartbroken whispers downstairs in the living room under my bedroom.

Mom and Belly were crying, and dad was trying to calm them down. Conrad was adamant to stay with me whilst dad offered to drive everyone else home as they’d all been drinking. When the front door shut, I heard the footsteps that shuffled upstairs.

“Connie,” I said as he walked into my room, his expression filled with sorrow and with the limited lighting of my bedside lamp I could swear he too had tears rolling from his eyes and down his beautiful face.

“You’re okay, you’re going to get better,” he said repeating in quiet whispers, whether he was trying to convince me or himself I was not sure but I let him. I pulled up my duvet and moved slightly to give him space.

He touched my hair, my face, my arms gliding his fingers as if I was made of porcelain. The first time I was diagnosed and fighting cancer I was 10 and whilst everyone was gentle with me then now it felt like a different kind of touch. A mixture of so much love and pain that I would do- give anything to make him better.

“I love you, so so much,” I whispered, pulling one of his arms around me, I wanted to feel him, all of him here in this house, our summer place. I was surprised he hadn’t run, when Con got overwhelmed he always ran, hiding was his protection. If I did anything in my life, helping Connie learn a better way to cope, or to start to was the best thing that I did.

“Don’t say it like that,” he whispered back, his eyes were closed tight shut.

“Like what?” I asked cautiously, somehow, I knew what he was going to say, I brushed my fingers through his soft hair, his pre-summer haircut was always my favorite. It wasn’t too long, not too short, just enough to outline his face and perfectly highlight his eyes.

“Like it’s one of the last times you’ll ever say it,” his voice cracked and I kept running my fingers through his locks, soothing him. It’s funny how I’m the one who this has happened to yet I’m the one who’s been reassuring everyone that everything happens for a reason. Maybe it was because I’d lived enough to know what the purest of happiness was and that I’d experienced honest love even though some never do.

“I love you. I love you. I love you,” I kept repeating as if I was counting stars up in the sky or the little sheep jumping over the fence in hopes of falling asleep. I’d said it so much my mouth had started running dry but if that was the price for having this boy, this kind, loving boy in my arms until my end I’d pay it over and over and more.

Unfortunately, the underlying sour mood was carried into the next morning, when I woke up to the glimpse of summer that danced in through the half open curtain Conrad was still asleep. He usually looked peaceful when he slept but this morning even in his most fragile states his brows were creased and his breathing was heavy and uneven. I watched him, when we get back to Boston nothing will ever be the same, and we only have a week left here in Cousins.

I untangled from his arms. I tended to have more strength in the morning but today I gripped onto the white wooden rail as I ambled downstairs and into the kitchen. Walking past the living room I noticed figures asleep on the couch. I smiled to myself when I saw Jeremiah and the Conklin siblings, they never left last night.

The clock hit seven when I walked into the kitchen, mom sat there with her kindle in hand, cup of coffee in front of her, but she stared unfocused at the device The lines under her eyes were darker than last night, she looked exhausted. Dad was at the kitchen counter prepping some eggs, bacon and sausages, the good old English Breakfast. He too looked as though he hadn’t slept.

“Morning sweetheart,” mom said looking up, her whole expression changed from worry to love, and though she tried to hide it the worry was still there, rooted deeply in her skin. I took a step towards her and she rushed out of her chair to grab me into a tight embrace.

A thousand things I wanted to say sat there pooling in my head because I simply couldn’t get them out.

“Your dad went out last night to get some more breakfast supplies, we’re feeding some unexpected- but most welcome mouths this morning,” she conveyed and I just nodded, my head resting in her neck, “I’ve called Princeton this morning and explained the situation, they said depending on how long the treatment is going to take they may move your enrollment to next year just so you don’t fall too far behind,” mom explained and I watched my dad’s feet shuffle towards us. College was the last thing on my mind, everyone here was.

“We also called the hospital and they’ve decided to start your sessions earlier,” dad said, this forced me to pull back.

“What do you mean?” I asked frantically, “We’ve had the date set for the day after we get back! How can I start my treatment earlier if we’ll still be here?” I questioned.

“We’ll be heading back to Boston tomorrow Y/n” mom conveyed, I took another step back. No! I needed this last week here with these people.

“But we agreed-” I tried to reason, to argue.

“I know sweetheart, but your health is more important to us, the doctors were already weary of letting you have the whole summer here anyway,” dad leaned against the kitchen counter with one hand and the other travelled to his forehead, an attempt to brush the physical signs of fear and worry away.

“We’re your parents Y/n, we just want what’s best,” mom reassured, and I knew they were right, they usually tended to be but that didn’t mean I had to be happy about it.

“The moms have organized a day full of fun and the celebratory barbeque dinner tonight,” Belly, who was now leaning against the doorframe between the living room and the kitchen, said.

“We’re all leaving tomorrow Y/n, we’re going to be there with you every step of the way,” Jeremiah said, his stunning ocean eyes expressing the purest admiration, his one hand was around Belly’s waist. A side of my mouth twisted up in a sly smile. I had predicted this years ago, Con owed me fifty bucks now.  

“Oh my- come here the both of you right now,” I demanded, I took a few steps towards them but they did most of the work.

“I want in too!” Steven, voice all groggy and half asleep, demanded as he jogged towards us. We stood there hugging for longer than we ever have, it was nice and warm.

We all sat around the table playing a round of uno as dad started to make breakfast, mom offered to help to give us the space, she knew we got far too competitive when it came to this game.

I had two cards left, the least out of all when Jeremiah spoke up from next to me, “Connie isn’t taking it well, he went outside at around three in the morning and he just sobbed, I thought you needed to know” his eyes with sympathetic and glossed over.

“I just don’t want him to shut everyone out now,” I said knowing that the boy had a thing for bottling up his emotions until they finally explode. He stayed last night but who knew which was his mood would sway today.

“He’s going to be around, he’ll be here for you, we all will,” Jeremiah reassured.

The day went by faster than anyone wanted, Conrad came down perfectly in time for breakfast, he pulled a chair to sit next to me. Just like his usual self he wanted to be near me, touching me at all times, whether it was his shoulder brushing mine, a hand on thigh or his head on my shoulder. After breakfast we when back to Susannah’s house and sat on their private stretch of beach. Then we competed in a murder mystery game that us kids created when we were twelve. It was actually pretty intriguing even for the moms and dad.

“I can’t believe you kept stored away for six years mom,” Jere said to which Susannah replied with a knowing motherly smile and pulled another clue card.

Then we went to the pier, had ice cream and I absolutely crushed everyone at the arcade games winning most of the challenges, the great showdown occurred yet again even though Laurel banned it all those years ago. Then we headed back for dinner at the beach house, Jere and Steven operated the grill, we all sat around talking and I managed enough energy to play a quick round of water polo in the newly upgraded heated pool.

Through the whole day Conrad was never more than a few feet away from me. He managed to upkeep a smile most of the time, but when he thought I couldn’t see it faltered. I always knew he was a good one.

At around eleven mom and dad headed back home whilst the rest of us cuddled up on the couches to watch some romcom on Netflix. About halfway through Belly decided she wanted popcorn, so we took a pause and Susannah said she wanted to brush my hair. She loved doing both mine and Belly’s hair, we were her honorary daughters so of course I let her. One of the many things I love about her is that no matter the weather, or what was going on she was a ray of sunshine. I don’t mean that she was always happy, but she always held out hope and guided everyone to the other side of any storm cloud.

After the movie had finished and we got a good hour into the titanic most of us were dozing off, Susannah started shooing everyone off to bed. She too went upstairs leaving Conrad and I sat on the sofa. I looked at him as soon as the whole floor was clear. My eyes asked the quiet question, begged the questions.

“Are you sure? Do you feel like you have enough strength?” he asked, and I smiled, my brain scanned through images of this boy as we grew up, side by side and through all of it he stayed true just like his mom.

“What have we been doing for the past four hours if not sitting and laying around?” I asked lifting my brows in a giggle.

He shook his head slightly and half a smirk managed to make it onto his face, “It’s been a long busy day, that’s all I’m saying,” he defended himself.

“I know, but I’m fine I promise, let’s go!” I encouraged lifting from the couch and pulling him up by his arm. It didn’t take much convincing, when he stood, he gave me a long, slow kiss before resting his arm around my shoulder. We fit together perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle finally put together.

We walked down the sandy path towards their private part of the beach, nudging each other and giggling just like the night Conrad first kissed me, just like the night he had asked me to be his girlfriend. Most, if not all our important milestones happened here at the beach house.

“Do you know what?” He asked breaking the silence, even just the sound of his voice was enough to press my body and mind into total peace but also force my heart to beat at an ungodly speed, still after being together for two and a half years.

“What?”

“One day, the day we get married, I’ll scoop you up like this,” he pauses turning to me, I look at him confused for a second as he coddles me in his arms like a princess, I let out a giggle, “and I’ll carry you into this house,” he pointed to the summer house, “then I’ll carry you out back and all the way to the beach and kiss you until the sun goes down and the moon hangs up high in the sky like tonight and never let you go,” he whispered into my ear as we neared the beach.

“Connie,” I began but he shushed me

“I know, I know you don’t like planning that far ahead, but this is non-negotiable, you said we’re allowed one non-negotiable each. You have yours and I have mine,” he said in a manner of fact way, I just laughed and leaned up to kiss him.

“You do know, I know that was all a ruse so that I didn’t have to walk,” I said and he just smiled, “You’re amazing and I love you but please put me down,” I asked, not because I didn’t love to be treated like a princess but because I felt good and I wanted to experience this with him in the way it’s always meant to be.

When we got onto the open part of the beach it was much windier, Con took off his coat leaving him in his jumper and wrapped it around my arms. We listened to the song of the water and watched the waves.

“I can’t believe how lucky I am,” he announced into the night, he’s sat half leaning on his legs.

“Why’s that?” I asked, there were so many things both of us had to be thankful for.

“That I met you, that I have you, that you chose me and let me hold and love you, I think I’m the luckiest man on the planet,” he says, his gaze drifting to the stars above us. Not a single cloud in the sky tonight.

“Do you know what I think is lucky?” I asked laying my head on his shoulder, my eyes getting tired now.

He finally turns to me and smiles, “What?”

“That we both live in Boston,” I said and he shook his head, clearly not what he was expecting. But it was true, our grandparents met at the Cousin’s country club years ago, our grandmothers were friends which then meant our moms were friends, they went to collage together, it was both of their dreams to live in Boston so they moved out there together not expecting to both live in that city for so long but I was so thankful they did because that meant that I got the Fisher boys and Susannah all year round.

It was around the time that we could see the first shades of yellow and orange of the sun that we decided to head back, his sheets were cold but his arms around me were more than enough to keep me warm in the breezy summer night.

The next day mom and dad came round for breakfast, it was a feast ranging from cereal and toast to pancakes with fresh fruits and muffins which Jere and Belly had gone for a morning run for. Just as fast as the breakfast had disappeared, we were all packing up and getting ready to leave.

As I watched the scenery leaving Cousins, I felt guilty that everyone was cutting their trip short, no matter how much they tried to reassure me that it was okay and that they didn’t mind. Still Laurel, Belly and Steven had agreed to say in Susannah’s house in Boston for the week which meant we still got to have that time together before everything went back into motion in September.

*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

It was a week after the Conklin’s left that I was told I would be better off shaving off my hair now with it being earlier in the process in order to avoid more emotional highs later on which could affect the medication.

I’d agreed on the terms that Susannah would be the one to do it, together we supported and acted for a hair donation charity which turned hair into wigs for children with cancer, so that’s exactly where my hair was headed.

It was a Friday night, which is always Pizza night, whether ordered in or homemade, one week at our house one week at the Fisher’s. It was that night that I was going to shave all the hair off, the thought wasn’t as scary as I remember it being from the first time around, but I would miss it.

I sit with a towel around my shoulders looking at myself in the mirror of the master bathroom, the boys were both sat in there with my mom, Belly was facetiming us and Susannah stood behind me with the scissors, this was harder for her than for me.

Mom held my hand and dad stood in the doorway with a tight smile. Susannah had braided my hair into two braids and after a nervous laughter and whispering ‘I love you’ she cut the first one, the snip of the scissors was loud in my ears as she worked through the thick of one braid. A breath escaped my lips and quickly enough we were on the second braid. Now Conrad held onto my other hand, the corners of his eyes creasing. And then the other was gone too.

In a way it felt like a weight was lifted off me, I mean it literally had been, my head felt lighter, and I was left with uneven scraps all over my head.

“Hey I dig the short hair!” Jeremiah says hand extended to fist bump me, I  felt obliged saying, “Now we know I could steal your hairstyle and still be cooler than you,” I remarked and he pulled a smirk.

“Listen up Y/n/n at least my cut isn’t so uneven,” he laughs

“Well, mine’s about to be more smooth than yours, what you gonna do?” I play intimidated as mom placed my braids into the zip lock bag ready to be posted.

“Some little girl or boy is going to be really happy when they receive that hair you know that Y/n” Susannah said squeezing my shoulders after plugging in the razor. This time I closed my eyes and squeezed Connie’s hand tighter.

When half my head was done, I felt a bit of a breeze but I didn’t want to open my eyes yet, I’ve said many times that hair wasn’t a determining factor in my life but at the end of the day it was a part of me.

“All done,” Susannah said and I could hear a fragile smile in her words, I nodded with my own smile.

Then after a second the sound of the razor when off again and my eyes shot open, before I could stop it I saw Connie’s soft, brown hair falling from his head. He has run a strip right in the middle of his hair.

I leaped out of the stool. But it was too fast, everything around me started spinning slightly and my knees had gone weak. I grabbed the counter in front of me and both mom and Jeremiah leaned forward for support.

“I’m okay,” I say after a second, I closed my eyes and steadied myself, what was actually a matter of a minute felt like hours, but then I was stood again with another reminder: slow.

“Connie what were you thinking?” I asked incredulously and he was just shaking his head smiling, a glimpse of tears in his eyes.

“I’m in this with you, I told you I would be here every step of the way and I will,” he stood right in front of me, his deep blue eyes staring right into my soul, how had I been so lucky to have been granted the love of this boy and everyone else in this room. I pulled him into a tight embrace, retaining his warmth, his touch.

Jere jerked taking the turned off razor out of his brother’s hand and worked it through his own hair. This time everyone gasped, Jeremiah loved his hair.

“Never have I ever thought I’d see that happen. Jere, you obsess over your hair, you love it!” Belly expressed through the phone, now Steven was leaning over her shoulder.

“Yo- you lot are brave!” he exclaimed with laughter; this was how he processed grief. He made jokes and laughed because otherwise it was much too bare, I didn’t blame him, in fact I found it comforting.

“I love my hair but you mean much more Y/n” Jere announced turning back to me and I couldn’t help but let the tears roll down my face now, pulling Jere to join the hug. He will be exactly the one for Belly, he’ll treat her well. I was sure of it.

Now it was my turn to sit on the edge of the tub, Susannah’s arm around me as we watched both her boys get their heads shaved by my mom.

“Well now we’re all gonna look like weirdos every time we leave the house,” I laughed looking at dad.

“And we’re gonna look like some cult parents who forced their kids to shave their heads,” he added back laughing

“I mean we could shave yours too David,” Susannah added, “Then we’ll confuse the narrative,”

“Only if your hair is next,” he challenged and I squeezed Suze’s hand, I would never let anyone come near her beautiful, golden hair.

“I think we’ve shaved enough heads for one day,” mom announces pulling the razor momentarily from Jere’s head, “Remember we have that dinner reservation in like two hours and I’d like to get changed from these sweats and t-shirt,” she goes back to Jere’s hair but before she’s able to make any progress she turns back around again, “Actually that’s a lie I could live in this outfit for the rest of my life I’m just not sure the people at the restaurant would appreciate it,” she says and every in the room laughs.

*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

The hospital room I’d been in for the past week and a half has become a familiar sight, considering that I’ve only left it to go to other similar looking rooms in the hospital. I look at the clock, its five in the afternoon, I must have fallen asleep again. The November chill was visible outside by the frost on the other side of the glass.

On the other side of the room behind the wall I hear mom talking to someone, dad has gone to work for the day, they’ve started switching days, so I can only guess it’s Susannah or the boys.

“It’s been getting worse,” her voice quivers and a part of me wishes I could mute her out, still be asleep. I know the truth, a part of me has known it since I found out the cancer came back those couple of weeks before we departed for Cousins that summer, I wasn’t going to get better.

“There must be something they can do,” another voice said, this time my body hauled me up a little. Conrad. I’ve been letting him visit me, he wanted to be here all the time but I asked Susannah to pace him. He was here this morning. It was meant to be one visit a day.

I know that makes me sound horrible, and it makes my own heart shatter piece by piece but it wasn’t because I didn’t love him or because I didn’t want him to be here. I knew there would be a time where he would have to move on, life would continue and he has such a bright future ahead of him, so many people to meet and experiences to be had. In my head if the distancing started now maybe it would be easier for him, even still the image of him with any other girl made me feel sick.

“Is she awake?” Is what I hear when I break out of thought.

“She wasn’t when I left to get changed and grab some food, but it’s been a couple of hours so she should be waking up soon if you want to go in,” mom said and I silently battled with the thought of pretending to still be asleep.

Before I had the time to make the choice the door was opening and then Conrad’s and my eyes met and he was coming to sit next to my bed, quickly pulling his hand into mine.

He bought a bag of games with him, we started with some card games, then snake and ladders, then four in a row and so on for a couple of hours. I was glad he came for the second time today.

“What?” He asked, I was staring at him but it wasn’t like he wasn’t staring back

“No nothing, just wondering how I managed to score such a hot boyfriend,” I say fanning myself with one hand, “And he’s a teddybear and sweetheart.” I added and watched him cringe at my words.

“I’m the one who should be asking how I managed to get a girlfriend as stunning and kindhearted as you,” he said but I just rolled my eyes. As much as we did this over the top thing as a joke we both knew we meant the words.

We talked and talked that night, he held my hand through it all. I didn’t realize how late it was but mom had come to sit in the corner of the room, she’d been having trouble sleeping recently but she’d managed to snooze off.

“I love you so much Connie, I’m thankful for you everyday, never ever change,” I whispered holding back a sob, he was half asleep on his chair next to my bed too.

“I love you too,” he said leaning up to kiss me gently. Then Connie and I whispered to each other until I too was fading away into sleep.

*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧*･ﾟ*

Conrad’s POV:

I never thought I’d be stood here, looking at all these people and her picture in front of a casket. I took that photo the day I asked her to be my girlfriend on Cousins beach, all her teeth were shining pearly white and her hair was blowing in the wind framing her face like a masterpiece statue or a goddess.

“I think you all know that Y/n meant more to me than anything and anyone in my life, alongside my family. We grew up with each other. We were there for each other in the good and bad times even before we were together romantically. She is- was- one of the most integral pieces of the puzzle of our lives. I think I can speak on behalf of our families,” I pause, tears rolling down my face, and a sob building up in my throat, “I don’t know how I will be able to go day by day without seeing her, hearing her voice and her passion. She inspired me more than anyone and I will love her until the day I die and even further into whatever comes after death, I will do everything in my power to make sure all her goals for the many charities and organizations are complete, I will build a new charity in her name, I will make sure she gets the remembrance she deserves, because- because more than anyone I know she deserved all happiness and love. She will be missed more than I could ever have the words to express” I finished and turned to the casket, “Please don’t leave me, come back to me,” I whispered.

There was more I wanted to say, I could speak about her for days and nights on end, about how wonderful and bubbly and kind she was and yet I couldn’t. These faces in the crowd, some knew her better than others but no one like our little families, Belly, Jere and Steven were all sat next to each other crying. Mom was holding her arms around Y/n’s mom and dad as they stared at me, thankful for my words.  

I broke into tears too, leaning onto the stand in front of me for support. Mom rushed towards me now, holding me close and helping me down to the seats. There I sat numb, tears flowing as the pastor finished the ceremony after which we all filed out and watched her get lowered into her grave. It read ‘Y/n L/n. Daughter, friend, love. An inspiration to all’

I can’t believe it’s been two weeks since I was holding her hand the night she passed. Two weeks since I’ve lost my everything.

“Excuse me,” I said a little too loudly, startling the buzzing around me. All eyes on me. I lifted the front of my dress and rushed through the closest doors, Austin called my name and tried to rush after me, the last thing I heard was my mom’s voice “Don’t Austin, just give her a minute,”.

I wasn’t sure where my destination was, just out of that room and far, far away from both Conrad and Austin. How could I have been that stupid. I led poor Austin on thinking, hoping that I could ignore the pain and feelings that Conrad ignited in me- I was wrong.

I ended up sitting in one of the dead end hallways on a little brown couch, unsure of how much time I’d wasted fiddling around with my fingers.

“Y/n are you okay?” If I tried hard enough, I could image it was Conrad, kneeling in front of me reaching for my hand with my eyes closed it was the easier option, a game of pretend, but I had to swallow the pill.

“Jere, could you just give me a minute-” I started deciding to ignore reality a little longer, hiding my smudged face behind my hands.

“Y/n- come on we’re past that,” he came closer sitting down next to me, I could feel his arm reaching up as if he to lay it across my shoulders, but my body tensed so he pulled away. “Hey,” he began turning to me and laying his hands on my wrist to reveal my face, “Do you want to get out of here?” the teary expression from mere minutes ago gone and the childish smile back again. I laughed sniffling, a small guilty smile ending up on my face. He knew why I was upset and I was more than glad he chose to let it slip.

“We can go to the pier, play the arcade games and eat ice cream until we get sick!” He exclaimed, jumping up and attempting to pull me with him, he was managed and we ended up face to face.

“Ok,” I said after taking a deep breath, “Yeah, let’s go” I said cautiously, damn the consequences.

He looked back at me unsure, surprised, as if he didn’t expect me to actually agree but he quickly caught himself and his endearing Fisher smile returned, “I’ve left my keys in the boys changing room, meet me by the Jeep in 10” he said before rushing off.

The thing I most admired about Jeremiah was that he made everything easy, or made it seem that way at least, with him you could just get lost. I watched as he disappeared around the corner and let out a sigh, enough I told myself putting back on my heels which I threw across the hall through my wails. Enough being sappy and crying over a boy, I was better than this.

If not fully change I needed to get the running makeup off my face, so I too made my way down the corridor going the opposite way to Jere, turning right, making my way to the girls dressing room, hoping that everyone was still in the ballroom.

My hopes were fulfilled as I creaked open the door to the changing room to find it as empty as the corridors on my journey here. I took a deep breath coming to where I was sat earlier taking out three makeup wipes and rushing them over my face. Soon enough the black mascara streaks were gone and my lips were a shade lighter. It was when I yanked the last bobby pin from my hair that I heard a voice echoing outside, surely Jeremiah would just wait by the car, even so, it hadn’t even been ten minutes yet.

I dropped the wipes into the bin and flung my bag over my shoulder, the closer I got to the door the louder the voice became, it too was heading closer to me.

“Y/n/n!” it sounded, and I halted frantically searching for a place to hide in the room, you could argue there was many choices but with the poof of the white dress it seemed like more of a challenge. I tip toed towards one of the wardrobe but as I gripped onto the handle the door to the room was pressed open.

“There you are- the moms are worried sick, they couldn’t find you-” he started, and I physically felt my stomach drop, moving my hand over it as if I could keep it in place, my tongue ran over my lips and I could feel the prick of tears in my eyes. What was happening to me.

“Conrad not now” I said firmly, I couldn’t remember the last time I called him by his full name, that itself felt like a slap across the face. I couldn’t quite figure out what emotion he was masking under the stoic expression. But in that second, I realized that he had slipped away from me this summer, I used to be able to read him like an open book- but now?

“Why have you got your bag? Where are you going?” He asked noticing my overflowing bag slung over my shoulder, I shifted my stance and laid a protective hand over my bag. I didn’t answer, choosing the door instead.

He took hold of my upper arm as I tried to brush past him, his skin was calloused but his touch was soft, sending electric shocks through my limbs, forcing me to stop, I looked right into his ocean blue eyes. I would not crumble under Conrad Fisher. I was not one of those girls he led on and trashed.

“I’m leaving Conrad. Let go off me,” I demanded but didn’t move from my spot

“Where are you going? Everyone is waiting worried sick in the ballroom” he said the last word with clear distaste, even now after dropping everything to become Belly’s prince charming he was shaming the event.

“Jeremiah and I are leaving, we’ve both realized that the people we trusted most weren’t on the same page as us so what was the point?” I asked, my voice getting increasingly quiet as I spoke.

“You can’t leave, you’ll disappoint the moms, how will this look on your fancy college applications, if Paige mentions causing such a havoc in the middle of the event, have you thought about what my mom will think- say?” He asked with such hurt that I could almost believe he cared for me enough to stop me from leaving.

“I guess I’m quitting being a sheep” I said, it forced him to take half a step back, his hand still on my arm, I echoed his words from earlier on in the summer.

“Are you serious right now? Is that what this is about?” he looked confused and appalled

“No you dick this is about you and the way you’ve been behaving this summer, you’ve changed Conrad but you’ve been too up your own ass to see it. To see the way you’ve treated everyone around you, pushing away everyone that cares for you, everyone that loves you!” I conveyed sternly, my voice slightly raised, his hand fell from me now and the absence of warmth was clear. I hadn’t meant that last part to slip out of my lips, but he didn’t seem too affected by what was essentially a confession of love from me.

“We’re not kids anymore Y/n it’s time to grow up” he said after a moment looking to his feet, I bit the corner of my bottom lip and nodded, he couldn’t even look at me.

“You’re right, it’s time to grow up and see people for who they really are,” I tried to stop my lips from quivering, “I don’t know what’s happened to you but clearly we’ve reached this point for a reason- tell my mom I’m sorry and that I’m out with Jeremiah,” I said harshly turning around and walking out of the door.

“Since I’ve seem to become some messenger of yours what should I relay to perfect Austin?” he said in a mock tone, faking a deep bow now in the hallway. As he lifted back up I slapped him clean across the face- the sound echoing though the long hallway.

“Fuck you! I don’t want anything to do with you ever again Conrad Fisher” I had to say his full name, for my brain to register what was happening here. That was that. He touched his palm to his face and I turned the corner, I would be lying if I said I didn’t turn around before turning yet another corner because I did. Still, all I saw was the empty darkness. This was it, he didn’t come after me.

When I stepped outside the chilly, night breeze brought me back to life, a couple deep breaths calmed me down. I walked to the car moving my hands around in the wind to just feel alive, everything was still in a haze. Jeremiah still hadn’t made it back to the car, so I dropped my bag down and leaned against the red jeep pulling out my phone flipping through Instagram at the stories and videos people were already posting from the night.

I didn’t stop- I couldn’t stop until I heard someone approach, “Finally Jere, jeez what took you so long?” I said before looking up, but it wasn’t the younger Fisher boy that I was met with- it was Susannah.

“Here you are,” her sweet, melodical voice said approaching and standing next to me, my gaze flushed away, I didn’t need to look at her, I didn’t want to. Susannah didn’t need to see the pain and embarrassment on my face, in my eyes.

“I’m sorry I ruined this day, I know how much it meant to you and I-” the words flushed out and the tears started dripping, “I didn’t want to let you down, I couldn’t just pretend for another hour or two that I- that I- that I’m happy and perfect,” I whispered, though in the empty parking lot it still felt too loud.

I felt Susannah’s arm settle around my shoulder, her other hand lifting my face up to look at her, she was wearing a cautious smile, uncertainty glinting in her eyes. She knew what this was about, of course she did.

“You have done nothing wrong, you have not disappointed me- quite frankly I’m not sure you ever could,” she giggled unironically, “You’re my little Y/n” she squeezed me a little tighter saying that, “My little girl, the second baby” she continued cooing me.

“Is it always going to hurt like this?” I asked burying my head back into her shoulder, she brushed through my hair and sighed gently. So much for summer love I thought to myself.

“Well, you never forget your first love, a sweet spot they say, but it’ll get easier honey,” she assured me and swayed side to side with me still in her arms.

“He kissed me earlier this summer,” I said, not sure why, not sure what I expected her to reply. A simple ‘oh’ made it past her lips. I know he’s her son so she automatically rests on his side but I needed to tell someone, the secret of it was like an anchor dragging me and my tiny ship down to the bottom, the confession itself eased the weight.

“I don’t know what to tell you, I suppose sometimes our mother instincts are off,” she said into space more than to me, my brows furrowed, “I was sure Connie was smitten with you, that I would get to see you in a white dress with him by your side,” her words started getting slower and I could feel her stiffen in the embrace.

I pulled away slightly, an inkling of what she was actually saying- this wasn’t just about the ball.

“Susannah- no you, you don’t mean?” I started, she looked away from me, “It’s come back?” I whispered, as if I said it any louder it would be true. She scrunched her brows running her finger under her eye wiping a tear. She nodded. My heart stopped.

Now a river was pouring out of my eyes, my lips curled and I let out an actual wail. My body was no longer mine, I felt myself lowering to the floor without permission whispering ‘no no no’ over and over. How could I have been so blind? How did this get past me?

“Y/n/n” she whispered lowering herself to be on my level, I was rushing my head from side to side. This wasn’t happening, not now. Not again. Not ever. “I wanted one last perfect summer, just to see all the children grow and blossom, and you and Belly in your white dresses with my boys the way it was always meant to be,” she cried stroking my hair, I should be the one comforting her not the other way around. “I couldn’t have asked for more, look at you! My mini me growing up into a talented, stunning young lady whom I hope will agree to- eventually- take over at least some of my charities,” she said her voice becoming a little higher at the end.

---

I don’t remember much of what happened after that and on the way home, Susannah and I cried outside for what felt like forever before mom came shouting for Susannah about the boys, there was an argument brewing. By the time we reached the hall Conrad and Jeremiah were rolling around on the floor fighting, everyone gathering around them, gasping, a few trying to intervene.

Susannah exclaimed with tears in eyes “Stop it! Stop it right now! Both of you!”

Upon closer examination Jeremiah’s eyes too were glinting with tears again, he must have found out, he wouldn’t have missed the dance otherwise, he wouldn’t have wanted to run away so suddenly, now I understood too and wanted nothing more than run and pretend this isn’t happening. Mom held me tightly as our little lot gathered our belongings and exited the hall- the commotion we just caused.

Austin tried to get to me, talk to me but my dad kept him away, from me and from all of us- the boy was so confused, how had we let everything turn out like this. He messaged and called hundreds of times but I couldn’t look at mu phone even now curled up in mom’s arms on our couch, still trying to make sense of the news.

“But she was better, she was healthy again, this isn’t fair,” I argued with who knows what, God? The universe?

“I know baby, we’re all hurting” mom brushed my hair, she had known the whole time, right now I didn’t have the strength in me to be angry, I need her.

“She’s going to get better, isn’t she?” I asked desperately trying to hold onto something- anything, but her silence didn’t make me feel better.

The phone rang when the tears started to slow, dad had been the one to get up from our huddle to answer it, he nodded along to whatever the person was saying and an inkling of a smile inched up onto his face. How could he even so much as think of smiling right now- unless.

“Susannah and Laurel have started cooking late night dinner, everyone is getting changed and ready to sit together at the table,” he announced and I wanted to shake my head, how could I sit at a table with her, the woman I owe pretty much my whole life and love to  and the other kids. Who were we trying to kid here?

So just like Susannah wanted we sat around the dinner table in the Fisher summer house, laughing, eating and breathing in the summer like she had wanted. Nothing was ever going to be the same and now looking around the table I couldn’t help but wanting to cry again- these were the people I loved most in the world and we were all here together, and I just wanted to cherish and live in this moment for as long as I could if not stay in it forever- is that how Susannah felt? Just wanting to be surrounded by the people she loved most in the place she loved most?

Then my eyes landed on Conrad who was already looking at me. A knowing passed through me. He had known, of course he’d known, no one knew Susannah as well as him no matter how much they wanted to. He was already looking at me, I didn’t want to argue, not right now when all these moments together were fleeting, there was a chance we would never be here altogether again, so I gave him a small smile. I’d be civil, for Susannah.

Maybe she was right, and her mom instincts were wrong this one time, I too always believed and hoped that Conrad and I would end up together but maybe that wasn’t meant to be. Right now I had more important things to worry about. I looked from him to the woman sat next to him: Susannah Fisher, a goddess who glowed even in the darkest of settings, she was beaming making jokes and pulling silly faces, I would forever look up to her for her incredible kindness and strength, if I could have half her bravery and strength, I would be okay, I would be okay for her.

---

Mom and dad headed back to our house after dinner because mom was starting to feel sick, but I stuck around, cuddled up to Susannah on the couch while some movie played on Netflix, Belly was on my other side with her mom beside her. The boys were on the other side of Susannah too keeping up the brave faces though tears stained their cheeks too.

It was around two in the morning when Laurel told Conrad to help take Susannah into her makeshift room, the guest room downstairs which she adopted as her own due to lack of strength to head upstairs. After tucking her in Laurel, Belly, Jere and Steven headed upstairs and it was just me and Conrad left. I didn’t look at him or say anything making my way towards the kitchen. My throat felt like a desert.

“For all it’s worth I’m sorry,” he said following behind me, stopping a few feet from me.

I shrugged my shoulders slightly and shook my head from side to side, running my hand over my forehead, “I don’t know what you want me to say Conrad?” I said genuinely taking another sip of my water before turning around, the house was silent.

“I fucked everything up this summer, I know I have,” he stopped waiting for me to speak, but what could I say? I stared at him, uncertainty in both our eyes, we’ve muddled the line between us and I’m not sure where to step next, “I did the opposite of what she wanted this summer to be, I drank every day, didn’t give her enough of my time, I was horrific person and an even worse son. And I’m sorry for what pain I’ve caused you” he whispered, his hand landing on the counter as if he needed something to support his whole body weight. My fingers ached to reach out, but I just looked down.

All I wanted him to say now was that it was meant to be us dancing together tonight, that if he could he would give everything to go back in time and change this summer, this night. Still all that came was silence.

“Do you want to know what the worst part is Connie?” I asked, my voice cracking at the nickname, looking up from the ground to him, the corner of my mouth curled in an attempt to stop the tears that have already started to fall.

“I once believed that this,” I motioned between us unable to say the word, “That this would be it, us against anything and everything thrown our way but I suppose I should have listened to my mom, she told me not to get attached especially to something we know we could never have,”. Mom was different to Susannah in that sense. While Susannah lived in a colorful world full of hope and blissful ignorance my mom felt reality a little more and as much as she too believed that I was destined for one of the Fisher boys she warned me that the matters of the heart were complicated whilst Susannah pushed me away into a dreamful, clueless boat of love.

It was clear he had nothing to say on the matter so I broached the only other subject I could discuss with him, “You knew,” I stated the fact.

“I found out that day you went shopping, mom left her phone and some number kept ringing her, it was the hospital asking for confirmation whether she was sure she didn’t want to sign up for some new round of chemo,” his voice cracked, “It was then that something had- I don’t know, switched in me. It was always us against the world, and mom knew that, she knew you were the only girl I would ever have eyes for. But you two are so close, every time I looked at you I saw my mom and her smile knowing she was right. But you- you are too much like her, both the ray of sunshine whatever room you walk into, both the voice of love and reason and I couldn’t- I couldn’t face you without the reminder of her, that I’m losing her” he looked up, “I could no longer picture watching you walk down the aisle to meet me because she isn’t going to be there for it, I could no longer imagine our summers together here throughout life without her growing old and watching us grow into adults here- I couldn’t”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked weakly, my voice just above a whisper, taking a step towards him, small but a step either way.

“I- I don’t know” a tear rolled down his cheek, eyes fluttering shut for a moment, “I felt that if I said it out loud it would mean it was real,” his voice cracked, in parallel with it a more pieces shattered in my heart for all of us.

“We could have dealt with this together, you know that,” I assured but my voice was weak too

He lifted his hand as if to bash it against the beautiful, luxurious counter but stopping himself just before his skin made contact,

“I made a mess, I’m a mess, I always manage to fuck everything up!” he created fists with his hands again, the skin tightening. He hurt himself and everyone around him in what was likely everyone’s last summer together, but this was bigger than the both of us, this was about Susannah.

He lowered himself to the ground, his red eyed shutting tight, I followed him down, my back against the opposite cabinets and pulled him towards me. He hung onto my middle as though as I was the anchor keeping him still- like he’d never let go.

I didn’t know what was going to happen after tonight, between us, between the families or to Susannah but right now it felt right to be here with Conrad, holding onto each other like stranded souls on a raft mid ocean. My head lay on top of his and he drew patterns on my arms with his fingers.

“Connie” I dared to whisper eventually, he stirred slightly lifting his head, “You need to go to bed, I need to go to bed. We need to make these last few days count and we can’t do that sore from the floor and exhausted,” I said and his hold on me tightened slightly.

Still after a moment, he loosened his hold and stood up holding onto my hand, slowly heading in the direction of the stairs, I realized where he was trying to go so I leaned away from his touch.

“Con no I can’t, you know that, too much has happened,” I couldn’t slip into this, what about Belly? I thought. She loved him too. And I couldn’t stop imagining the way they looked into each other’s eyes earlier, there was something there, I’m not sure what but I couldn’t ignore that it happened.

His eyes begged me but I didn’t budge, his raspy voice started as he took on the first step, “I don’t want to be alone tonight,” he conveyed but I shook my head. He needed me but I didn’t want him to need me, I wanted him to want me. I was willing to wait, when I started things with Austin this summer I thought I could move on but now I realize I couldn’t- that I would wait for this boy who gave me the moon and the stars no matter how long it took.

“Connie we all need time, to process everything that’s happened in the last twelve hours, we need to clear our heads.” He nodded solemnly, “We both need sleep” I sighed gently, it was one of relief that the day had come to an end, I stepped away to head to the back door.

“Wait-” Con whispered, I turned back to him still at the bottom of the stairs, “Can I give you something?” he asked and I looked at him confused raising a brow, gesturing for him to continue, “I was meant to give this to you at the start of summer but I was too much of a coward, can you meet me at the beach in five minutes,” I was about to decline, tell him we’d have tomorrow but he pleaded, the tears that were building up in his eyes making them glisten like little diamonds.

I nodded without a word and made my way to our secluded area of the beach behind the houses, the wait for Conrad to come out felt longer than it actually was, I watched the calm waves flutter on the water surface, the moon residing, observing its own reflection in the water. The night was quiet. There were no parties heard, no loud music or shouting just the calming song of the sea and soon enough Conrad’s long strides.

His hands were in the pockets of his jean shorts and my interest was piqued, whatever did he want to give me? And why was it so important that he had to do it tonight and at three in the morning.

He came to a stop in front of me, the light wind whispered into his hair slightly making it dance in the moonlight, “Before you jump to conclusions or freak out just let me finish okay?” He asked, and he meant it, his voice carried such conviction and trust. In a way his demeanor made me calm but on the other hand it made me freak out against his wishes.

We stood just facing each other for a minute before he lowered to the ground onto one knee, inside my brain everything started shouting and screaming at me to panic, freak out. He was not seriously proposing to me right now- I was doing my best to remain calm on the outside but he must have seen the fear in my eyes.

“No I’m not proposing to you calm down,” he said, smiling up at me, I relaxed a little but his words didn’t change the fact that he was in kneeling in front of me, “This is not how I wanted this to go but I suppose now it means so much more than it would have if we had gone to the pier that day in the beginning of summer” he continued taking out a small black box out of his trouser pocket.

“I bought this ring two years, the day we’d gotten back from our little camping trip and I drove you home, on the way back to Boston something in me told to stop at this little shopping center and so I did, that was when I spotted this,” he opened the box to a beautiful ring with a gorgeous little sun and moon crystal in the center, like a yin and yang symbol. “That moment I asked myself ‘what are you doing Conrad? You love this girl don’t lose her’ so I bought the ring and kept until this summer- I suppose I should get to the point, this ring is a promise that I will be a better man, for myself, for you and for our families. This is a promise that no matter what- I’m here and will love and wait for you for the rest of my days and that one day we will get married and vacation in Cousins with our families and our kids,” he was spilling out all these words and yet I’d never heard anything more beautiful, then he paused for a moment, “And if you decide this is not what you want then at least you’ll have a pretty ring that will stand as a reminder of our summers and your childhood, no one has to know what the ring is for or what it means, I just want, no need you to have this to know that I’m not completely lost after this summer, because Y/n you are the lighthouse that will guide my ship to shore in the worst of storms,” he finished and without thought I leaned my hand forward, he placed the ring on my ring finger on my right hand and I smiled as he stood up brining me into an embrace. It would be our secret

I wasn’t going to rush into anything, there was lots to figure out and Susannah was the top priority, but this was a sign of hope. I didn’t know what was going to happen from here on out but right now in this moment I felt hope that everything was going to work out, through pain and tears we would all get through to the other side together.

Susannah always believed from the moment my mom found out she was pregnant that I was going to be destined for one of her boys, and then just a little over a year later when Laurel got pregnant too Suze said that she was also destined for one of her boys. Now here I was standing wondering whether she could ever imagine the winding roads all our stories have taken us on and what we still had to overcome. Now I stood here unsure and lost but at least I was with the people I loved most, no longer missing any other pieces.

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