Howdy, it's me

like, so we meet him in the first section of the book and he seems typically trad husbandy, but Natalie does mention early on that he was both coddled and neglected by his parents, and that he doesn't really wear his masculinity comfortably, so you start to kind of understand there's more to him, but whatever

to me, it's not until, maybe after their wedding that you really start to see him as a bit more dynamic. again, he is coddled, he's rich, he's the youngest of five, you start to see that he's lazy, he doesn't want to really do much. he doesn't seem overly interested in Natalie but he was raised Christian and with certain expectations and he follows them, but you continue to see how it chafes against him. he doesn't want a job and nobody has ever held him to that expectation that he would have one, so whatever. he has sex with Natalie, but you can tell he's not particularly into it. he can't even get hard. Natalie later sees the porn he looks at and is horrified, but it's not exactly like step-siblings going at it or abuse or underage or anything too harrowing. he likes watching REAL LIFE COUPLE HAVE HOT SEX or PASSIONATE LOVEMAKING (lots of pussy licking!). he seems to value the idea that a couple could get each other off, even that a woman's pleasure could be involved, but he clearly just does not feel that with Natalie

despite this, he gets her pregnant and things seem to be moving along like a facade of what you'd expect for his life but he doesn't really put himself into it too much

I don't think he's the most malicious at this point, but he's dumb and he doesn't understand the real world and he's spent all this life being rich and not needing to try and it's like. what? now he has to try? that doesn't seem right

he is somewhat willing, though. Natalie wants him to get a job and he's reluctant, but you can tell that he hasn't completely dismissed it, he just moreso doesn't see anything that interests him. why work if you're not going to be happy? this is a privilege that he absolutely has and is willing to take advantage of. when he does find a job that would make him happy, he's excited at the prospect, and Natalie also fully believes he would great at it. that he'd give it his all and show care and enjoyment for the work he's doing

the goal posts kind of shift there, though, which is interesting. it's not enough to find a job--it has to be the right type of job. Natalie's not happy with the idea of him teaching kindergarten--something she says he would no doubt excel at--because it's not manly enough. and here's where gender roles really come into the book sharply. I believe Natalie even says here that it's too bad she's not the man, while Caleb is the woman, because she's more ambitious and he wouldn't mind staying home and having smaller goals

and it's... like duh gender roles hurt everyone but it is kind of insane when you really think about it. they can't take on the roles in their relationship that feel more natural to them, in their specific circumstance, because it's not what's expected of their biology? are we all hearing this? it's an embarrassment to be a certain type of person with a certain type of job because it's not masculine enough? Natalie and Caleb are still very imperfect as a couple but I do think they could've gotten more enjoyment out of their marriage if they were at least allowed to be themselves, but god forbid that not match their penis and vagina assignment!

from here, we also get, Natalie can't just tell her husband what to do (also probably against gender roles), so she has to convince him that public school is bad. and because she says that and Caleb literally has a sack of potatoes where his brain should be, he decides to do his own research, very likely just googles "is public school bad?" and very easily falls into all sorts of reactionary content online. which he doesn't exactly have the media literacy or personal knowledge to dispute, so he ends up believing it

and I thought that this was such a fascinating look at how people can get started down these pipelines! the way you could trace Natalie poisoning her own husband's mind when she was simply trying to shit down a desire she thought was Wrong of him to have. how innocent it can all be--a thirst for knowledge, to confirm something you're not sure of, without the right research skills... it's easy to getting sucked into believing everything you read online. Caleb gets sucked IN!

and I think that it also shifted perspectives... we talk a lot about young boys being vulnerable to this pipeline, and when I kind of picture the type of guy who would care about the manosphere, I guess I never really thought "someone who's established in their life and not traditionally masculine" would still be able to stumble into it. but they are. anyone is susceptible, is the scary part

and now for a good chunk of the book we just sort of follow how he digs deeper and deeper into this. at the same time, we're still jumping in and out of the bits in the 1800s which I will get to, and we see even more that I think lends Caleb sympathy. Natalie agrees with his father to have more children, and basically has to pressure Caleb into it. she specifically describes him as looking pained when she asks to have sex, and then she tries for like 10 minutes to get him hard before sending him off to jack off in a bowl. and, like, whether or not you define that as rape, it's fucking coercive, and you can tell how little he wants it. again, the roles are reversed. in many heterosexual relationships, pressure for sex can come from the husband. in the idea of these more "trad" relationships, I would say it's probably more the husband wanting to be fruitful, or whatever. Caleb is fine with one child, he seems to like her, he plays with her, he doesn't want more, but he's forced into it

years pass, with Caleb continuing to fall into online conspiracies. I find it interesting that even in that, he's not particularly malicious. he talks about the manosphere, but he never gets too outwardly "women belong in the kitchen". he doesn't quite boss Natalie around. he does blame the feelings of inadequacy in the world on how "society is trying to feminize men", but he kind of just. talks. vaguely. and doesn't seem overly passionate. he doesn't seem to realize that the reason he's sort of a failure is less his femininity and more a combination of his parents failing to raise a competent son and his wife denying who he is

the manosphere does have a clear impact on how Caleb sees himself, though. Natalie notes at one point, maybe around their third child, that he watches the kids longingly but no longer plays with them. she says that he no longer thinks playing with his children is appropriate because of how the people online have characterized masculinity, and how he's expected to perform it. this just takes further enjoyment from Caleb's life and isolates him from his children, and it's about here that I think he starts to lose a bit of sympathy, because you see that he's not the most involved father

there's a night that Natalie is taking too long to cook dinner so she can record it to post online, and their eldest goes to get Caleb, complaining that they haven't eaten yet. it's shown to be a failing on Natalie, Caleb showing up with their child and questioning why she hasn't fed her. and it is a clear failing, the prioritization of online image vs the actual real life needs of her child. but while Caleb is annoyed, it's important to note two things: 1. Clementine had to go find her father, because though Natalie was busy cooking, he was not present to watch the kids. I believe this is before they have nannies, too, so he expects Natalie to take all of that on herself 2. Caleb could easily take on cooking or providing for the kids. he could make them snacks while Natalie works. instead, he pretty much does nothing to challenge Natalie's neglect or combat it, getting mad at her while not providing any support of his own to his children

you can also note that he seems to have no objections with selling his children on the internet for fame and money. not that he seems to concern himself too much with being involved in Natalie's work, but a good father might be concerned with how the visibility would impact his children. of course, growing up with a politician for a father, he might also be so used to it as to barely be bothered. I just think that he needs to be held accountable for basically not doing shit to keep these kids safe

again, we move forwards, and here we hit Shannon. she's fascinating in her relationship to Caleb, because she challenges him. while Natalie let her husband get brainwashed with things she also knew not to be true but pretty much left him to it, Shannon does push back. and Caleb seems to like that. she treats him like a real person, which I guess no one else ever has? he's pretty much immediately in love with her! finally someone is showing him the attention and respect he craves

but it's interesting, too, because he seems to pretty easily believe her. and it's like. usually people with strong held beliefs aren't so easy to win over. Caleb then comes across as extremely impressionable. you could mold that man into whatever you need so easily. it's interesting, though, that he decides he's in love with Shannon because she challenges him. almost like he kind of needs someone to not just let him get away with whatever. he craves more, but Natalie just needs his sperm, his father's money, and him out of the way, so she doesn't particularly care

even when the scandal comes out about them, Shannon emphasizes that Caleb is kind. it's just that he's also a dumbass without a spine

but, things really turn when the scandal comes out. first off, they finally have a conversation about their relationship. well, an argument. good news is!: Caleb doesn't like fucking Natalie cause she feels like a dead body. so, um. unfortunately the bar is in hell and some men would not have minded... it's a win for Caleb we're running out of other options for wins

but their roles really reverse, here, when they choose to live as if it's actually the 1800s. maybe the full, immersive commitment to the bit helps them to better fit their gender roles, but suddenly, Caleb is not the same stupid manipulable idiot from earlier. and we can assume it takes a while to fully settle into, but it's fascinating. he starts this transformation during their argument, where he also slaps Natalie when she speaks poorly of his mother. he seems to take enjoyment in taking mean in these moments, telling her how he should've divorced her when he had the opportunity, how his father genuinely wants to kill her

now, if he'd divorced her... really at any point before here I think he'd still come away from things looking half decent. but he doesn't. he's never going to, no matter how much he might want to. he's in it, now

so, he agrees to fit the 1800s lifestyle. he agrees to subject his children to this, because it's not just him. and he says later on that he couldn't leave Natalie and the children, but... even if in some sick twisted way he cares for Natalie, he could've come back for her if he really cared, but at least gotten the kids to a better guardian in the meantime. Clementine is the one who has to take the children. at 16, it's Clementine who takes on the role of responsible parent, dragging all but her youngest sibling with her off of the farm. to make matters worse, while Clementine tries to free her siblings, Caleb also actively brings three ADDITIONAL children into this world they've created

and both Caleb and Natalie, but I'm really going to blame Caleb for this because he seems to be more mentally sound, parentify their eldest daughters. Caleb leaves it to Clementine to save her siblings. fuck, he even has his oldest sons ensuring they don't starve out there. his children are taking care of him, trying to fix his mistakes. it's fucking insane

and you see it with Mary, too. Mary is so fucking parentified she acts like Natalie's fucking mother instead of the other way around. and, again, Natalie's unwell. but Caleb leaves that to MARY to sort out. Caleb leaves Mary to basically be the surrogate wife and run the household. to ensure her younger sister and her MOTHER are safe

Natalie says at one point that Caleb only does the farm chores he likes best and leaves the rest to the farm hands. without those farm hands, it's clear that he dumps the responsibilities he can't be fucked with to his daughter. he leaves a child to take care of the things that should be his job as the mentally sane parent, but can't be, because he's The Man. he's finally and fully embracing his masculinity, but it comes at the cost of seriously fucking over his children, even outside of the whole raising them like it's the fucking 1800s bullshit!

one of the very last things to comment on in this role reversal is sexual assault. as I established earlier, it's clear that Natalie is coercive if not outright assaulting Caleb when it comes to sex. but now, in their olden times play fantasy, he's truly and properly The Man, and, of course, he assaults her

maybe they worked out their sexual issues at some point while Natalie was still sane, but that doesn't give him carte blanche whenever he wants it. she barely knows what's going on and resists the idea she belongs here. he tries to act noble that he left her alone for a few weeks, but his needs still come first, and this is their role as a husband and wife. he expects her to just bend over and enjoy it, without any consent, while knowing she's clearly still out of her mind. he acts like it's her duty, but it's not one she can actively consent to carrying out right now, and that's fucked! (also! it's never a fucking obligation!)

he's also been drugging her, mind you, and while that's allegedly for her benefit, it's still fucked up in the context of their new sexual dynamic

now, when this initially happens, at least for me, I kind of assumed this is a Caleb of a different universe, born and raised in a different time, and so while it's upsetting that he's capable of that, still, you almost can excuse the Caleb of present day. he's got little to do with this

but then you see how those two fit into each other and... all empathy you can have for him is gone

Caleb goes from someone who was simply coddled and dumb + easily influenced, to a neglectful parent, to a full out psychopath who fucking rapes his mentally ill wife like it's nothing

while he's initially presented as the submissive one to Natalie's dominance, in time their relationship dynamic shifts, turning Natalie less into a villain and more a victim, and doing the opposite to Caleb! Natalie WANTS them to play pretend at this life, and finally their delusion is so strong that they've become exactly who she wanted, whatever the cost for the both of them

I frequently described the book as being trapped in a prison of my own making- I was so angry and annoyed every time I read it because Natalie is insufferable and entitled and frankly a cunt, and yet I was OBSESSED with reading it! And now that ive finished it, I almost wonder if thats what Caro Claire Burke intended to happen.

Natalie very much is in a prison of her own making. I’ve seen people mentioning her moms influence- such as suggesting Natalie jog after birth- but I feel like thats also ignoring how her mom tried to raise her kids to be kind and thoughtful. I also don’t doubt that her mom raised her to be the evangelist she is- when Ben enters the story, Natalie and her mom talk about how odd it is hes a christian who supports divorce- but we can’t ignore truly how much of this was Natalies fault.

It was Natalie who strangled Shannon, it was Natalie who decided to play make believe on her farm, and it was Natalie who took the deal of pumping out kids for cash. I think Yesteryear does a Bojack Horseman kind of thing- where as you read, you consistently go “that was a horrible choice” but can understand why Natalie strangled Shannon (fucking her husband), why she has the nannies (the kids took precious filming time away while they did useless things like grow up), why she took dougs deal. But at the end of it all, we truly cant look away from the true haunting of the narrative- Men.

Reading this book as a now man, ex-woman, it was hauntingly familiar to my childhood. I wssnt even raised jesus-y! But most everyone around me always said, one day youll find a nice husband and have kids. Even as a child I was ADAMANT I wouldn’t have kids, and everyone but my parents always went “ohhh youll change your mind when you’re older!”. Now I am older, all my friends are having kids, I found my nice man and we’re gonna have an ant farm instead.

Natalie was also raised around this kind of environment. So was your mother. So was everyones sister, some peoples brothers, everyone who has ever gone by she/her has or will hear the famous “when you have your kids,” often paired with “and husband-“

Natalie was raised to be suffocated in this environment, even by her mom. Shes bible thumping, and again and again we hear her talk about how good christian women submit to her husband. I think the closest we got to her having any kind of agency away from it was when she was making the deal with doug, when she refers to herself as the husband and caleb as the wife.

And Caleb. What a poster child for christian man child. Amelia and Doug, the picture of americana. Natalies mom, the adulterer who found her own company best. We have such stark parallels between all of them, and no doubt Doug was intended as a stand in for you know who.

Additionally, I LOVE how lighthanded Burke was with portraying Natalie as a racist conservative. She never outright says it, she does a beautiful peppering of information throughout the whole narrative. I went in knowing Natalie was gonna be some kind of alt-right, but Burke has a clear understanding of dog whistles, and peppered dozens throughout. When we meet Shannon and Natalie rambles about how she has a nose piercing and dyed hair- personally I imagined a septum piercing- a common conservative complaint, which immediately implies that Shannon is more left leaning in contrast to Natalies alt right. Then we get her pedestal of being proud to be a christian, how she believes being christian is being attacked now. And when she calls herself and her children the face of the aryan race, theres been so many small hints to it that the slap of it stings less then it should- just like how the Alt Right pipeline works. By the time we learn her kids call indigenous people savages, the reader is so desensitized to her racism that it only adds to her character, it doesn’t stop the plot with shock.

Additionally, the choice of never having Natalie admit that shes alt-right really helps you understand how tradwife influencers and crazy qanon conspiracy theorists (like caleb) even come to be. Caleb was looking for farm advice and ended up deeper down the alt right pipeline. Natalie- whether she consciously believes it or not- fell further down it with him. When Doug is screaming Civil War, she doesn’t heed Shannons warning about how terrifying that is- she waves it off as political theater, a common tactic in conspiracy theorists denying real world consequences.

He comes back next time with some grievous injury to his nothing, presumably from the massive shredded gash across his thigh plates. He sits and waits. I fix it for him. He is still nothing in there. I decide to add a drawing on the inside, of the type of beast I imagine could rend metal into scraps with a single blow. He puts it back on. He no longer moves as if he is injured.

Over time the interior of the knight becomes decorated with whatever odds and ends I could think to attach to the inside of a guy who’s got room to carry it. What really gets me is that he never removes any of it. Never requests a change. Not even when I installed a curtain rod for a small tapestry, or a bud vase to carry roses for his beloved, or an accordion folder for letters. He didn’t say a word for any of the many, many drawings of mythical beasts that now fight forever inside of his shell.

There are plenty of other forges. I’m not entirely sure why he keeps coming back here anyway. We’re pretty popular, but he could get his armor fixed a lot quicker (and with fewer ridiculous modifications) literally anywhere else. I asked him if I could get a look at his nothing again. He flipped up his visor and nodded his head so I could take a look. It was the same as it had been, filled with drawings and trinkets and weird little fixtures I’d put in there. I asked if he was annoyed by it, or liked it, or felt anything at all, but he literally only ever says nothing, so I’m not sure why I asked.

There’s not much room left in his nothing now. When he comes back for repairs I’ve had to fix my own foolish additions. Some of these pieces are intricate and irritating to repair, but I fix them anyway. It feels wrong to take any of it away from him now, even though I’ve been rudely encroaching on his nothingness to the point where it’s barely even there. How he squeezes his nothing back into a body so full, I’ll never understand. But it’s a game to me now, finding a spot not yet filled and putting something there. A dark part of me wonders if he ever gets filled up completely, if whatever sorcery holds the nothing-knight together may break, and it will all clatter unceremoniously to the floor.

When he hands me his breastplate yet again, it is so shockingly disfigured that I wonder if being made of nothing has somehow kept him alive. No ordinary knight could sustain such injuries. So I fix it. And he waits, unmoving, in a quiet corner of the forge. It’s like he’s watching, even though I know the reading glasses I put inside his helmet were just for fun. I’m careful to put it all back exactly the way it was when he last left. There’s no room to add more this time.

He examines the breastplate, and pauses before putting it back on, like he’s looking for something. Is he worried about the fit? But it suits him just as it always did. He calmly points to a little space, about an inch, between a miniature shelf and one of many pockets. There’s nothing there. I ask him what’s wrong, and again he points. It’s the most emotion I’ve ever seen from him, and it’s barely anything at all. I take it to mean he wants something there.

I spend some time engraving a little snail in the gap. He watches, as much as nothing can watch. When I’m finished he holds the breastplate, but he doesn’t put it on right away. I ask him if something’s still wrong. He says nothing, and puts it on. I tell him I can’t add anything else. Even if he could ask, there’s no room left.

Next time he comes back, there’s nothing wrong with his armor—he lets me check to make sure. I ask him what he’s doing here. Out from one of many pockets, he retrieves a tiny rusted knife. It’s in miserable condition, barely worth saving. I tell him I could make him a nice new one, but I’ll fix it if he likes. He puts it away and reaches around to find something else, a needle and thread. Better condition, but I’m not a sewist and I tell him as much. He puts them away. He then retrieves a little twisted piece of wax paper. I open it. It’s candy. I ask if I can eat it. He says nothing. I eat it. It’s flavored with cinnamon. I’m surprised he let me take it.

He keeps bringing me candy now. His armor is the most laborious to repair out of every client my forge serves, but it’s my own fault so I can’t complain. Sometimes he keeps me company while I work. I wonder if he is trying to tell me something when he hands me mints. I wonder again at the lemon lozenges. He stares at me when I eat, as much as nothing can stare.

One day he brings me a little jar of honey. I thank him, I tell him I’ll save it for dinner. He watches me work, he puts his repaired armor back on, and he stays. My shift passes slowly, and when I finally pack up to leave it’s dark outside. He follows me out of the forge. I ask him where he’s going. He points to the jar in my hand. I ask him if he wants to watch me eat it. He says nothing, but the nothing-knight clearly wants something, so I open the lid and dunk my finger in the honey. I try not to get any on my chin. He stands there, inches away, watching me try to consume this jar of honey without a utensil. It tastes like clovers. About half the jar is left when I’ve finally had enough of pretending to be a bear, but he doesn’t move to leave.

I ask if he’s going to follow me home. He says nothing. I tell him he can if he wants to. Again, nothing. I start walking, and he follows at my side. I know he’s not going to say anything ever, so I fill the silence. I tell him I’m grateful for the sweets, I tell him about how his various components are made, I tell him I’ve never met anyone made of nothing before. I tell him it’s a rare opportunity for a smith to work so much on the inside of something. He says nothing. I tell him again how much I like the candy.

It occurs to me that maybe filling me with sugar is as close as he can get to filling someone else’s empty armor with trinkets. I’m not sure if that’s really why he does it. I tell him I don’t have room to be filled with anything on the inside, not like him. I’m not a container for much besides food. He offers me another piece of candy. Maybe he likes containing something, the way I like to feel full. Maybe it’s nothing at all.

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