Trident Splash - Orange Swirl (updated)
Tommy - 9.8
Tasting something at this level of cultural relevance can sometimes involve more than just the taste buds. Creamcicle fairies tweak my nipples while my taste buds tingle with the flavor of an instant classic. Orange goosepimples bristle down my neck, and my vision begins to deteriorate. I begin growing a tail. An undeniable gumblr® heavyweight, destined to rank among "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea", "OK Computer", "Slanted and Enchanted" and "Citizen Kane" in the hallowed halls of chewing gum history. While it's sure to spawn hundreds of copycats in the coming decade, we can at least savor the original flavor for now in its purest, unfettered form -- Simple, short-lived, and euphoric. Trident's Orange Swirl ought to be required by law as a nutritional supplement for children under the age of 8, and I intend to lobby full-time in the coming congressional season for new legislation enforcing such.
Ahh, childhood! A gummy gem in a world of sawdust and duct tape residue. How delightful this chew, how charming it's taste. I was thrown back into the joyous throws of a 1992 summer day with a melting flintstone's orange creamsicle push pop in hand. Oh delightful chew, should i write you my thanks? Pine aloud for the not to distant future when this pack has run out - I will. Do the satisfied smacking of my lips not adequately show my joy? Does the dribble of flavor upon my chin and relentless grin not exude happiness with this gum? What else must i say to convey how thoroughly joyous and gay this gum makes me feel? Heavens your holy buffet has nothing on the taste of this super-gum. Gods above I thank you for this treat so take no offence when i say that suckling on the teets of the gods could not produce a more satisfying nectar.
At times it seems my band follows an inevitable and predictable trend, or distribution, if you will, of enjoyment. While certain stimuli such as tacos, Randy Newman, and San Francisco will generally elicit a unanimously positive and measurably strong response among all subjects involved, there do exist particular stimuli (breakfast stops, Morrissey, Roy Rogers, Deerhoof) which produce an almost necessary polarization of enjoyment, according to the laws of the universe, and those of bands. Classic examples of stimuli which elicit this type of enjoyment polarization on the far grander subject group of the entire human population are Christianity, Bob Dylan, and movies starring Sinbad. Like bacteria on a petri dish which has been incubating in Bob Dylan broth, cultures will either eat it up and survive, "not get it" and starve to death, or find another medium in which to bask.
I am compelled at this point to draw a parallel between this classic polarization behavior and Sir Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion, which states: The mutual forces of action and reaction between two bodies are equal, opposite and collinear. This means that whenever a first body exerts a force F on a second body, the second body exerts a force −F on the first body. F and −F are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.
In other words, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. And oh, how truly loudly this truly rings true! When applied to art, music, cuisine, travel, and even people- one man's obsession is often another's headache or brutal indifference. The stronger one individual's feelings for or against a particular object, the greater the likelihood there will be a member of his or her audience with an opposite opinion of equal force. In fact, I constantly find myself underselling certain suggestions or opinions of mine which are secretly strong, just to avoid the pain and rejections of an intensely opposite reaction. Now, I think it's time to get to the gum part.
It was only a mere three decades after Newton published his Laws of Motion that his maternal grandson Sir Isaac Chewton ingeniously applied his grandfather's Laws to gum, thereby revolutionizing the elite and bubbling intellectual gum scene. Chewton's Third Law of Gum states: The mutual forces of action and reaction between two gums are equal, opposite and collinear. This means that whenever a first gum exerts a force F on a second gum, the second gum exerts a force −F on the first gum. F and −F are equal in magnitude and opposite in direction.
What is the human condition and our oversimplified scientific facts if not hyberbole? Isn't the whole point of living, to some extent, to exaggerate the good and make it last, to exaggerate the bad to keep us humble, and to exaggerate the in-between to keep us in touch with reality. So I'll tell you what I did: I knew Ben and Tommy would go bonkers over this Creamcicle stuff. One might even say it blows their bubbles. I don't like creamcicle. And as you probably might guess by now, I feel I must hate creamcicle for no better reason than the fact that Ben and Tommy love it with all their gummy hearts. When this gum exerted a force on my gums, my gums fought back, but not for long. I didn't want to taste this hyped-up, highly anticipated and clearly overrated gum any longer. So in an act of hyperbole and in honor of the late Isaac Chewton, I threw it out the window, just to make a point. While I don't like this gum too much, I must admit it's really not terrible and if I am judging it strongly it is only because I feel I must humbly conform to the principles of nature which we all must let chew us up from time to time.
