romanticizing life

I’m not sure when the feelings started:

i trust God. i trust His love for me. and i know He hears my prayers. and i want what He wants for me. i want His plans for me because i know it is good. but i have this desire which i'm not sure if He approves of it, but i continue to pray for it. telling it to Him honestly. but despite that desire i refuse to take it to my own hands so i leave it all to Him because i trust Him more than myself. though i cry to Him about it, begging Him if He could give me that, but still i am surrendering it all to Him so all i could do was pray and trust. but whatever His answer will be, i know it'll be for my own good and the good for what i am praying for. but i admit it's hard. there were times where i am fully surrendered and fully trusting, and times where i am feeling anxious about it (but still surrendered in a way that i'm still not taking the matter to my own hands despite the strong urge to take own action). and it was the good thing about it. if it's not for God's strength i wouldn't be having this kind of self control and the strength to trust Him.

here i am again in this insanity.