J.C.T.

On apartment life:

To be completely honest, I was actually really scared at the prospect of living alone. Being a fairly extroverted person that requires the company of people to stay sane, I imagined that I would end up being very lonely. And while that was the case for a short while, I’ve grown to really like my current living arrangement. I enjoy having to clean after only myself and never having to close the bathroom door. Who would’ve thought?

On life stages:

A few months ago, I wrote that I felt life was starting to pass me by. Well, that’s still the case, and the frustrating thing is I feel like I haven’t done anything to change that. Again, I am too content being comfortable, and i think that’s really starting to catch up to me.

On faith:

My spiritual life has been....pretty dry lately. I’ve attended Sunday church service once in the last three-going-on-four months. And I hate that about myself. It’s not because I want to check it off of some proverbial to-do list, or because going to church is “what good Christian people do.” I hate that about myself because I so easily make excuses about why I can’t go or why I don’t want to go, on top of all the preexisting reasons that already make it hard to go. I hate that about myself because, at the core of my being, I know that I’m not reflecting Christ’s work and love in my day-to-day life. And it can be so frustrating and shameful. 

I feel very Romans 7-esque right about now:

14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin.15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. 24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!

So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.  (NIV)

I’ve never really sat down and tried to make sense of these feelings until now. As I wrote the paragraphs above, it occurred to me that this shame I feel is just another temptation meant to appeal to my sinful nature. And that, nevertheless, no matter how distant I feel from Christ at this moment, God has a plan. And it is good.

But how do I reconcile the knowledge that God has a plan with these struggles that I currently face? How can I get out of this slump?

Tonight was the eve of moving day. It’s pretty insane to think that I’ve been at Prosser for two years now. And though I’ve spent most of those two years complaining about this place, now it feels odd and uncomfortable to be leaving. Sure, it’s old and janky….but it was still home.

As I went around today trying to finish as much food as possible and packing my life away, I couldn’t help but feel at least a little lonely. I never thought I’d say it: it’s sad, and surreal, to finally be leaving.

On Coachella:

Wow. 

On a fateful Wednesday about 10 months ago, I sat in a meeting watching the seconds tick by. Right as the clock struck 10:00am, I refreshed the webpage, and there I was: in line to buy tickets. I remember it being a pretty hectic few hours, as each of my friends anxiously watched as we moved up through the ticket queue. 

37%...61%...99%...success! We got our tickets.

I went through the next 10 months in anticipating. Each month, I’d receive an email confirming my monthly payment, but it was really just a monthly countdown until festival time. The anticipation became full blown when the lineup was announced.

“I get to see Porter x Madeon again.” “I finally get to see Garrix live.” “The xx has a new album?” “Hans Zimmer at Coachella? That’s...interesting.” “QUEEN BEY!” (we all know how that one turned out)

Well, this past weekend, I did see Porteon again, and I did see Garrix live for the first time, and the xx did play their new album, and Zimmer did bring out the orchestra. The anticipating was not unwarranted - everything was as I hoped it would be. The sweltering heat and crowds full of !@#$boys were just minor deterrents what was otherwise an awesome time spent with awesome people. The music, the food, the environment, the crowd...it all lived up to the hype and I hope that I can muster up the energy to do it all over again.

Oh, what a beautiful weekend it was.

On Sunday night blues

On another note, it’s pretty ridiculous how, as soon as I hop into the car to begin the drive home, my mind wanders to work and how much crap I had to do in the week ahead. These days, I feel like it’s so difficult to get some true peace and quiet time just because there’s always some work stressor hanging over my head. And then, as soon as one problem goes away, another four come up and I’m back to worrying once again. On one hand, I do feel fortunate that I’m a point in which I have the ability to put the time and energy into work and to feel valued as an employee. On the other hand, I also can’t wait until that day years down the line when everything just...settles down a bit. If that ever happens.

I made the comment to a friend recently that it’s extremely difficult to ever imagine a Sunday night in which the thought, “crap I have work tomorrow,” does not cross my mind. It’s a freaking sickness. 

On "lasts"

For the most part, life has stabilized a bit in the past few years, but every now and then, something happens and life ends up taking you for a ride. If you’re reading this, there’s probably a good chance you know that I lost two roommates over the past few weeks, which means that there were a lot of “lasts” recently. Let’s see...there was a last dinner, a last time a church, a last episode of friends, and a whole bunch else. 

Why am I saying this? Uhh....not sure, to be perfectly honest.

Maybe it’ll just be a reminder to myself that, in spite every complaint I’ve had about this place, there really were some precious moments.

On the unknown

Damn I’m in for quite the roller coaster ride in the immediate future. If the past couple months were about maximizing fun and time spend with friends, the next couple months are going to be about transitions and uncertainty. It’ll be an enormous blessing to see so many friends move on into married life. Many others have or will be finding amazing opportunities as they start at new schools, new jobs, or new cities. 

And myself? Well, moving out, for one. Getting a place to live on my own. Committing to a church. Trying to find a balance between investing in my local network out and having enough time to visit family at home. Maybe mapping out my 5- or 10-year plan. In many ways, I feel as if life is starting to pass me by, and that’s a thought that really frightens me. There’s a lot to be done, and I hope that the next few months will be a step out of my comfort zone. Cause I sure as hell have been way too content being comfortable. 

Anyways...I think I have more to say but I’m having trouble verbalizing my thoughts. So, until next time...

Excitement, anticipation, elation, nostalgia

It’s the same cycle every single time. There’s a vacation idea, we drum up some excitement, and begin to plan. Hotels are booked, travel is arranged, attendee lists are compiled. Then begins the arduous wait, counting down the days until we reap the fruits of our labor. We set off to the mountains or the desert or where ever, where we spend a few days happily indulging in one another’s company. And then, just like that, it’s over, and I’m stuck with that sense of longing that accompanies me every time after every trip I take.

It was the same this time. Here I am on Tumblr, having been home for about 28 hours, still wishing that I was at Mammoth. Months of preparation culminated in a four day trip to the mountains earlier this week, and what an awesome four days it was. But at the same time, four days never seemed to have passed so quickly before, and I’m left with that bittersweet feeling of internalizing some great memories while confronting the realities of day-to-day life that lay before me once again.

Mammoth was a great trip, and I miss it. And while it would’ve been nice to have a few extra days on the slopes or not having to worry about work, the time spent with friends would’ve been exponentially more precious. Snowboarding is fun, but snowboarding with friends is that much better. I like beers, but I like beers much better when I’m drinking it with someone else. I’m not necessarily going to think about Mammoth 2016 and remember what runs we rode or how nice the weather was. What I’ll remember is a bunch of guys trying to hike through powder to retrieve lost goggle, taking a group picture 11053′ above sea level, standing in a half hour-long line to buy cream cheese, road trip conversations with an old friend, and late night musings. 

There’s going to be a lot of changes over the upcoming year, both in my life and the lives of those close to me. I’m not quite sure what to expect, but one thing I am fairly certain of is that these opportunities will become less and less frequent. So I guess, while the vacation mood cycle is the same every time, there is a little more weight now. Because there may come in a day pretty soon when we won’t be able to do the things we do now or spend time the way we want and with the people we love.

So here’s to Mammoth 2016...and whatever might still come along down the road. 

One of my favorite things about the holidays is how the utterance of two simple words can, if only for a moment, bridge whatever gap between us and invoke that warm special feeling. Whether it’s from family, old friends, coworkers, or the random girl at Dunkin Donuts, I won’t get tired of hearing (or saying) it:

…everything comes a full circle.

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Thoughts on football:

Football is a beautiful thing.

Don’t get me wrong, football also sucks in that so many of us are so willing to commit our entire weekends to watching game after game after game, even if it is the most excruciatingly difficult thing to watch (ie. UCLA vs Arizona, first half). But there’s something about the way that football brings people together that amazes me every time.

Last weekend, we had the biggest tailgate party since we were back in school. There were old friends, new friends, friends of friends, and friends of friends of friends. And while it was 5 million degrees that day and we lost in one of the most heartbreaking ways possible, I always love the experience of cooking and eating and just hanging out with a bunch of friends at these tailgates. Tailgates were some of my favorite things back in college, and even though we’ve continued the tradition in the three years since, it has never quite gotten to the levels that we reached during senior year. 

It was awesome just to have such a big group of people all sharing in this experience on what would otherwise be a typical Saturday afternoon. As we’ve all began to transition to new stages in life, these opportunities become rarer and rarer. And each time something like this happens, it’s a reminder of the amazing friendships that we’ve built. It is a testament that, even years down the line, we find these chances to reconvene as if nothing has changed.

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Thoughts on faith:

A couple years ago, a friend suggested that we go catch a movie called The Dropbox. That was my first time hearing about the movie, and I looked it up before committing to go. Maybe some people know of it or have seen it by now, but as it turns out, The Dropbox about a South Korean pastor who installed a “dropbox” for people to leave their unwanted newborns. I remember looking it up the night before we were supposed to go and actually getting pretty excited about seeing it.

Well, the next day, we get to the theater, and the movie is sold out. And I never ended up seeing it.

Last weekend at church, the pastor spent some time discussing some causes that the church is involved with and asked a church member to come up to speak. As it turns out, this is the guy who actually made The Dropbox. He shared about his relationship with that pastor and experience in making the movie and how he actually became a Christian throughout this process.

And this struck me, because, to be perfectly honest, I’ve been feeling quite dry lately. It’s as if every day is just part of a routine - I do what I’m supposed to do (or sometimes not), and that’s that. Quite frankly, my day-to-day life is oftentimes not reflective of the Gospel, and this thought eats away at me.

It’d be naive for me to say that listening-to-a-dude-I-don’t-know-talk-about-a-movie-he-made instantly changed all that and that I suddenly have the fire and passion that I did a few years ago. No…that’s not it. But I do think that it was (yet) another reminder of God’s faithfulness and his commitment to us. That even though I stumble and stumble and stumble, nothing can overcome the power of the Gospel. That, in the same way a moviemaker came to faith through his interactions with a man halfway across the world, there is a plan for my life that will ultimately bring glory to Christ. And I need to be cognizant of the fact, even in the lows, my life is an instrument that reflects Christ’s saving work.

Prayer request: For continued sanctification, a renewed passion for the things of God, and the peace that comes from knowing the Gospel

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Thoughts on work:

Wow…where to start???

There was once a time where I was still considered relatively new at SpaceX, which meant there was once a time where I actually had some….you know…free time at work. Some time back then, I came across an online blog that ran a feature on the company. In the article, the author mentions that, if he were to ask a random person off the street, there would be some that know about the company, less that know what the company does, and only a few that know what the company really does.

Anyways, last week, the details of “what we really do” were announced. I’m not going to go into details here, but here is a informative blog post about it. 

It almost sounds like something taken out of science fiction, but I think that’s the beauty of it. While many of us tend to think of science fiction as, well, fiction, this could turn out to be anything but that. Science fiction is a melding of reality with imagination, strewn together in a way that appeals to our innate longing for discovery and innovation. It makes for a great story. It might even be a story that we think could become reality at some point in human existence. But surely not…within this century….right? Or this decade?

Well, here we are, potentially at the point where science fiction and reality intersect. And if it ends up working, then that’ll be pretty rad.

After years of wondering if there’s more to life than “working for forty years and then we die,” I think that is something to work towards.

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Thoughts on this stage of life:

Ok so, did half of my network conspire to get engaged this weekend or something? Holy crap.

Or I guess we’re just at that point now, which is actually an utterly terrifying thought. 

I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and it finally hit me recently that I need to get a move on with life before I can’t anymore. I’m still trying to wrap my head around exactly what that means, but I hope that, over the next 5 years, I will be the most ambitious I have ever been.

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Whenever I’ve blogged lately, I’ve settled into this bad habit of taking multiple days to finish each post, which has resulted in some extremely disjointed thoughts. Whenever I re-read my blogs, it always comes across to me as choppy and difficult to follow. But usually, by that time, I’ve committed too much time to just delete it.

And this time was no different, so I guess….thanks if you’ve made it this far. =)

With that, I’m off. For as my roommate and I always like to reminder each other, “[There’s] work tomorrow.” Until next time.

A couple weeks ago, I started a tumblr post in which I intended to express my thoughts regarding the ever-changing circumstances in my life. As it turns out, I never finished it and now it’s stuck somewhere in the endless abyss I have of unfinished pieces (right next to my list of everything that makes Rachel Green a detestable character. But I digress.) While, throughout the past couple weeks, the thought that I should finish that draft kept popping up in my head, but I know myself better than that. I’ll probably never go back to that one. But now I have something else to muse about.

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I’ve been semi-church hopping this past couple of months. It’s not my intent to talk about why here; but, rather, I wanted to take a moment to point out some of my observations during this time. Some of it is trivial - the product of things that I’ve simply forgotten or neglected to notice after having spent the better part of 5 years at Lighthouse (which was, and is to this day, the only church that I’ve ever really loved). 

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One minor blessing that’s on lighter side: some time ago, I started keeping notes on new worship songs that I liked so that I would remember them later. I caught up on my list today and added a few songs to my playlist. One thing I’ve found incredibly refreshing during this transition period is being introduced to a plethora of new songs and artists and groups. It’s much like how I felt when I first joined AACF and started going to Lighthouse. It’s really a wonderful feeling.

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Of course, after having sat under the teachings of a number of people who more or less have the same theology (theology that I have both my agreements and disagreements with), it can be quite jarring to step away from that, even if it is just a mini-step away. Despite my efforts to keep an open mind, I find myself constantly asking myself: “Is this the right way to do it? Is this sound theology or teaching? Is this a good church to commit myself to?” These are scary questions, and I’m not even sure how qualified I am to answer them.

I guess that’s a bit expected, though, after having built up this notion in my ind that my church or my friends or the people around me are more “correct” than some other church here or there. And to be honest, I don’t even know if that notion was something that was taught. It may very well just be something I (we?) infer from my numerous interactions with those around me. I’d guess though, that I’m not alone in getting that vibe.

And that’s what made today (or I guess it’s technically yesterday) a pleasant surprise. After spending Easter morning at a new church I’ve been checking out (one that I think most of my peers would consider “theologically sound”), my friend and I decided to double dip and attend a second service. And there we were, riding that Metro Expo line towards downtown, walking down block after block. And there was Hillsong LA.

I’ve heard mixed opinions about Hillsong in general (much of which I don’t want to get into right now). The debates seem to be mainly be regarding how intentional their music is as well as the content of their messages. So, I confess that, walking into that service, I was a little skeptical. And, at first glance, the scene affirmed that skepticism, with the flashing strobe lights and booming bass being more reminiscent of DJ set than Easter Sunday service. 

But then something happened. Musical worship started, and then the list of prayer requests, and then list of blessings, and the message, and everything else. It was church. It was different than the church I knew, and I definitely wasn’t as comfortable as I’d be somewhere else, but it was church. And I realized that, while we are often to dismiss this or that as “unsound,” we can’t really say until we’ve experienced for ourselves. For myself, I know that that is something I can work on going forward.

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For now, I’ll leave this here。

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