This is not me, but a part of me.

As an adult, I told myself, “I can’t use an umbrella while riding a motorcycle,” so I started bringing a parka too.

And you know, if you’re afraid of getting soaked in the rain, you want to warm yourself up as quickly as possible. So I always bring an extra pair of clothes and a portable towel. I don’t want to get sick if I get caught in the rain, so I also carry a bag of medicines for who knows when I’ll need them.

I have a carabiner, a multipurpose knife, a very heavy portable fan, and a lot of things I carry every day believing I’ll eventually use them.

You know what’s funny?

Sometimes it rains and I accidentally leave my umbrella behind. Sometimes I’m drenched in sweat but never use the fan because it’s too heavy to hold.

I’m so used to carrying things that seem important to me, things that seem like they’ll protect me, but all that weight eventually becomes a burden. My back always hurts, and I don’t really enjoy the walk home anymore. It feels like I’m carrying my whole life on a hiking mission.

It just dawned on me how easily I carry things on my back and pretend everything is fine.

I know I can still carry it. Maybe for a long time.

But slowly, you begin to feel the pressure of it all. The weight of the world doesn’t crush you all at once. It happens little by little until the only thing left to do is let go.

To accept that sometimes life will drench you in rain. Sometimes you’ll be soaked in sweat. Sometimes the things you carried to protect yourself end up weighing you down more than the storm itself.

And maybe healing is realizing that not everything needs to be carried.

Not every fear needs preparation.

Not every hurt needs armor.

Not every person who left needs to be held onto.

Some things are meant to be set down.

And for the first time in a long while, I think I’m learning how.

6/12/2026

But I want you to be clear about one thing: those are not mistakes. They are choices, wrong choices that you actively make for yourself. And when the time comes for consequences to ask you to be accountable, you must swallow it all and learn the hard way. Grow, live again, and become a better person.

5-30-2026

And just like how some galaxies collapse and worlds end from distant light-years away, the same goes for what we thought ought to be permanent. I thought my love for you was stronger than the propelling polarity of gravity—but no, the longer I cling, the more harm it would do to both of us. I do love you, and I can say that even to the last minute, even when the hurt is still there, I do. (Even if you don’t believe me.) But I came to realize that sometimes, love is not enough. Or maybe our love is not enough.

From the past few years we were together, I am happy to have grown in grace with you. Safety, stability, warmth, joy—but at the same time, repeated heartache and longing that drifted us apart. I am mad about what you did before, but at the same time, I understand that you are not a bad person. I just see you as a person with complexities and stories, going through life for the first time. Both can be true at the same time. I don’t know if you will feel the same about me, but it’s okay if anger lingers more. And I’m sorry for what I did.

I am not expecting an apology from you; I made peace with it long ago, the same way I started to surrender my heartaches.

I still wish you joy, peace, and comfort from the people who stay. May you lean on the love of others when you can’t find love within yourself. I still wish you success, health, and to see you become the person I once wished you would be. Or maybe, be with a person who accepts you exactly as you are.

(Letters with no address)

#juansnoww

5/28/26

You stop it by keeping everything as it is, as if life itself is suspended. But deep down, you know that eventually, somehow, life moves forward whether you are ready for it or not.

You keep things suspended because the damage feels catastrophic, blown far beyond what you imagined. Like shrapnel from an explosion, hitting the people you love, and the people you loved.

5/28/26

5-25-2026

The first was when I was 5 years old, when I started to realize that the world I lived in was much bigger than I thought, all because of reading an almanac.

The second was in high school, when I realized how vast human knowledge is, yet how little we still understand about the world.

The third was in college, when I realized that the world of my childhood felt better than the adult world. Sure, I can have adult money, but the pressure, responsibilities, and all the things I have to do or leave behind just to live can feel insane.

5/22/2026

Las Piñas

Bakit ganon? Hindi naman masaklap ang buhay, may masayang pamilya, maayos na kalusugan, masayang relasyon– pero parang nabubuhay ka pa ‘din na parang may kulang?

The world is vast, strange, and quietly wonderful. Somewhere, something is learning to survive, to adapt, to simply exist. And maybe that’s comforting in a way, knowing that every life carries its own rhythm, its own struggles, its own tiny moments of becoming.

I’m not sure if I’m not advocating myself enough or I don’t know.

5/14/2026

Thankfully, there are good people along the way. Amid the complexity of human relationships, I have been able to carry a bit of wisdom from everyone, and I am learning to carry a bit of love with them as well.

I know my plate is still full, but I am slowly and carefully managing the dishes. I am hoping that the dust settles soon so I can start a brand-new day with the good people who choose to stay.

Growing up to a certain age and realizing that love is not only about emotion, but that emotion is just one part of it, makes it harder for queer people to arrive at a deeper understanding of what love truly means. Yes, romance is a recipe for love, but long-term love asks for work and commitment. It asks us to grieve the lives we will never live and to grow together into the life we eventually become.

There are very few people we can look to for guidance on what love looks like thirty or forty years from now. Instead, we often rely on romanticism, cling to sexual roles, and turn them into identities in order to understand who we are. This becomes especially difficult when most of the love we have known is the kind portrayed on television, transactional, commodified, and superficial.

This version of love erases the reality that everyone we will ever love is difficult to live with in some way. And when the illusion of romance finally wears off, when we are faced with the truth that we are all a little broken and complicated on the inside, it becomes harder to understand how love survives at all.

I really love what Alain de Botton tells about love in general. “love is the ability to remain kind and committed in the presence of disappointment — yours and the other person’s. Love begins when the fantasy ends. When you stop believing the other person will complete you, read your mind, or rescue you from loneliness — and instead see them as a flawed human you might still choose.”