Occasionally Jeremy

Fuck, man. That sucks. I’m sorry. I know exactly what you’re going through, and it’s not fun - you feel like a worthless piece of shit stuck at the bottom of this fucking awful giant burning pit of garbage that your life has suddenly somehow become.

Well… At least, that’s how I felt.

I write a lot of poetic, metaphorical (and hopefully somewhat entertaining) bullshit on here - and I was going to write a whole big response to your question using the story of Scottish folk hero Robert The Bruce and the tale of when he saw this spider in a cave (which you should google by the way, because it is a pretty great story), but instead I’m just going to give you some practical advice. From one super socially awkward person to another - and don’t let the Conan shit fool you: I am INCREDIBLY socially awkward in real life, to which the girl who I tried to drunkenly kiss in my apartment about six months ago can attest - here are some things you can do that will make you feel better. Only marginally better at first, but hey - when you’re at the center of a black hole, any direction you go is out. (By the way, that girl left my apartment without us making out, and we haven’t spoken since. Whoops!)

So. Practical advice: 

1.) Take everything that reminds you of her and put it in the closet. Don’t throw it away, just put it somewhere where you’re not going to have to see it. Do that right now, tonight. It might even be things you own - your coat that she used to wear, her favorite set of your sheets. Whatever. Throw it all in the closet and shut the door. Nobody needs to see that shit.

2.) Start something new. Make it something either creative or positive. Do it regularly. You need something new to concentrate on. There’s a reason why people who successfully quit smoking don’t just do it cold turkey - they replace the smoking with something else more manageable at first, so that the gaping hole left isn’t so noticeable. Every time you think of her, go do your new activity instead. When I was going through my break up, it was the gym. Every time I thought of her or missed her or wished she loved me again, I would go to the gym and work out. When my dad died right before Christmas, I started a written journal. Every time I miss him or think of him or have a dream that he’s in, I write in that journal. Did the gym bring her back? No. Does writing in the journal bring my dad back? No. Do those things help? Absolutely. Just make sure the thing you’re choosing to do is positive (like the gym) or creative (like the journal) - and not negative or destructive (like alcohol or drugs) - and do it regularly. If you find that you’re not doing it regularly, then switch it up and try other things until something sticks. Don’t be hard on yourself; the search is part of it. If the gym ain’t working, try origami. If paper cranes ain’t doing it, then try chess. Something will stick.

3.) Don’t let yourself date anybody for a year. You read that right: I said, don’t let yourself date anybody for a year. You see a girl at a bar? Don’t talk to her. And if you do, you’re DEFINITELY not allowed to flirt with her. Why? Because YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO DATE ANYONE FOR A WHOLE YEAR, MOTHERFUCKER. Some people break up and their friends say “get back up on the horse, bro! Get out there and fuck the pain away, man!” I say fuck that shit. If that works for some people, great! It doesn’t for me. What DOES work for me is me being nice to myself. You should be nice to yourself, too. Let yourself off the hook with all this girl crap. Take a year off. You gotta get your shit together. And you know what? Me not allowing myself to date anyone takes the pressure off of myself and makes me feel better in social situations. “Man, that girl is SUPER hot, and I would TOTALLY be stressing about going up and talking to her and trying to get her number… But I’m not allowed to date anyone this year! OH WELL.” (And by the way, if a girl comes on to you, you’re also not allowed to date HER until the year is up. STRICTLY FRIENDS UNTIL THEN. You may be laughing at me thinking it’s not gonna happen, but I guarantee you it will). Just slow everything down and concentrate on yourself for a while, man. Videogames and books are great for this - and I’m always happy to offer recommendations, if you like weird shit.

Now these might sound like three teensy tiny things that are barely going to help - but like I said before, when you’re at the center of a black hole, literally any direction you go is out. 

“But Bley!” You say. “Telling me I’m stuck inside an emotional black hole is a terrible metaphor and makes me feel hopeless!”. Well, okay, maybe you’re right. After all, they say it’s impossible to escape from a black hole. They say not even light can escape - and I’ve got some bad news for you, friend: black holes and broken hearts? They’re one and the same. 

But I choose my words carefully.

See, here’s the thing most people don’t know: light trapped inside a black hole does escape. 

For those not up on their theoretical physics, energy escapes black holes by a process known as “Hawking Radiation” - which is super cool but also very complicated, so I’m going to skip over the specifics - but here’s the really important part: when the energy that was once light shoots away from a black hole, it’s no longer recognizable as light; the light has been changed, transformed into something else. A different form of energy: Heat.