joy ⋆｡°✩

INDEX—

[ 📋 ] Visitors—please consult individual tags and warnings when entering the affected area. Forecasts range from light and sunny to full heat advisory. Please plan accordingly.

☀️ DEEP END ⋮ BINNIEBB

bang chan x reader summer mvp was supposed to be a harmless summer incentive until chris bang turned it into war. now the only thing hotter than the country club pool deck is how badly you want your smug, shirtless rival to lose control first.

🔥 WHEN THE SMOKE CLEARS ⋮ JOYRACHA

⤷ part one ⋮ part two

lee know x reader ; smau you take up a new summer job—being a fire lookout for the forest service at a national park. you’re added to a group chat and get to know the man in the neighboring tower.

🏕️ CABIN FEVER ⋮ BINNIEBB

changbin x reader camp skz has rules for swimming, hiking, campfires, and pretty much every possible disaster. too bad there’s no rule against falling for the counselor who carries you out of the woods and into a summer-long problem.

🚢 TEQUILA SUNRISE ⋮ JOYRACHA

hyunjin x reader being a travel blogger has its perks; you get to travel the world, eat delicious food, and…dance with a mysterious, handsome stranger on a cruise?

🎡 DUNK HIM! ⋮ JOYRACHA

han x reader you’re just trying to volunteer for a summer charity event at the pier, but you meet an infuriatingly handsome guy who makes it his mission to get under your skin

🍰 PROOFING TIME ⋮ BINNIEBB

felix x reader at honeycrumb bakery, the ovens aren’t the only thing making the kitchen unbearably hot. unfortunately, your biggest weakness wears a flour-covered apron and answers to the name felix.

⚾️ IT STARTED OUT WITH A KISS ⋮ JOYRACHA

seungmin x reader you meet by chance at a baseball game, so he asks you to be his plus one for a wedding. the catch? pretending to be his girlfriend for a whole weekend. what happens when you actually start to like him?

🏡 GOOD ‘OL NEIGHBORLY CONDUCT ⋮ BINNIEBB

i.n x reader the whole neighborhood wants jeongin mowing their lawns, fixing their fences, and cleaning their pools for the summer. you just want him shirtless in your yard, forgetting every good manner he has.

𑣲 EVENT TAGLIST:

“five more minutes”, you mumble against his chest, your voice still heavy with sleep.

seungmin laughs softly under you, one of his hands moving through your hair while the other stays wrapped around your waist beneath the sheets.

“mmhm, you said that ten minutes ago”, he says and you can tell he’s smiling.

“i know, but i mean it this time”, you say, getting even closer to him, and he knows you don’t mean it this time either.

“y/n, you have an interview in two hours”

you groan and bury your face deeper into him immediately, your arms tightening around his body.

“please, don’t remind me”

his chest shakes under you as he laughs again and then you feel him tilting his head to look down at you.

“you’re nervous”, he says, matter of fact.

“no, i’m not”

“yes, you are”

you sigh and snuggle closer to him, “okay… maybe a little”

“a little?”, he laughs, amused.

you lift your head just enough to glare at him weakly, “this is my future we’re talking about, kim seungmin”

his expression softens at that, like it always does with you now. one year later and he still looks at you like your feelings are the most important thing in the world.

“you’re gonna do amazing”, he says quietly.

you shake your head, “you don’t know that”

“but i know you and you’re amazing”

your chest warms at his words and you have to look away for a second because somehow he still affects you too much, especially now, after everything.

“i’m serious”, he says, “i’m sure they already love your book and they will want to publish it”

you sigh again, your fingers absentmindedly playing with his t-shirt, “but what if they don’t?”

“then they’re stupid”

you laugh at that, “seungmin!”

“i’m serious”, he says again, pulling you closer against him, “you’ve worked on this book for almost a year. you’ve stayed up all night countless times, just writing and then writing again when you didn’t like something. you’ve put your whole heart into this”, he says as his fingers brush gently against your cheek, “and i know you, and you don’t do things halfway”

you stare at him and god, you love him so much. and maybe the most beautiful part is that now you can finally love him without fear attached to it, without confusion or constantly feeling like he might disappear again.

everything that once hurt between you had healed slowly after the show ended. it wasn’t magically or overnight, no, but patiently, carefully, you two kept choosing each other again and again until it became easy, until loving each other stopped feeling terrifying or something that could shatter and just started feeling safe.

the show ended exactly a year ago, a whole year since seungmin walked through that white door and looked at you like you still were his whole world. you both left together that night, no hesitation or doubts anymore, you just left together, your hands intertwined while the cameras followed you outside for the last time. 

two months after that, you moved back in together, back into this apartment that was your home together, then became your constant reminder of him when he wasn’t there, and now it’s your home again. but now you know what it feels like to lose each other and neither of you wants to go through that again.

your life together after the show has been beautiful - quiet mornings, late night convenience store runs, falling asleep tangled together on the sofa, cooking dinner together while played in the background, seungmin editing photos at his desk while you wrote beside him for hours in silence.

home, that’s what it became again, your home.

and now here he is beside you in bed, his hair messy from sleep and his eyes still warm and soft while he looks at you like you the most precious thing he’s ever had.

you groan and hide your face in his neck, “what if i embarrass myself?”

“you won’t”

“what if they hate me?”

“they won’t”, he says, quicker this time, no room for hesitation.

“what if i faint?”

at that he laughs again, much harder than before, a full laugh, bright and beautiful. 

“baby, you’re being dramatic”

you gasp against his neck, “i’m not”

“you absolutely are”

you lift your head and narrow your eyes at him before you try to pull away from his arms.

“okay then, since you’ve decided to bully me this early in the morning-”

but before you can finish speaking, seungmin suddenly grabs your waist tighter and then, attacks his fingers dig into your sides mercilessly and you immediately shriek.

“seungmin-”

“what?”

“s-stop- n-no, please”

you break into uncontrollable laughter as you try to escape him while he just keeps tickling you under the sheets.

“minnie, p-please”

“no”, he says, laughing as much as you.

“y-you’re impossible”

“and you’re dramatic”

“b-but you l-love me!”

“i do”, he says immediately.

the words come so naturally now, so easy that it seems like they’re engraved in his lips. and it doesn’t matter that you’ve heard them a thousand times before, they still make your heart stumble every single time.

you stop laughing and look at him, seungmin looking at you the moment he sees you watching him. his hands slow against your waist as you try to catch your breath while he looks at you with those eyes that always undo you completely.

his fingers brush gently against your cheek and then he lends down and kisses you, making you melt against his lips. one of your hands slides into his hair while his arm wraps tighter around your waist beneath the sheets, pulling you fully against him. you kiss him again and again, your kisses mixed with your laughter every time one of you smiles too much against the other’s lips to keep kissing properly.

“i’m so in love with you”, you whisper against his lips.

he smiles, “good”

you laugh and pull away, “good?”

“yeah”, he says, kissing you once more, “good”

“that’s it? that’s all you have to say?”

“what else do you want me to say, huh?”, he says, leaning in trying to kiss you again but you just push his chest while you shake your head.

“i don’t know, something like you love me too or that you love me even more or something like-”

he doesn’t let you finish, because he leans in again and succeeds this time when he presses your lips together this time, making you smile against them.

“i’m so in love with you, y/n, you have no idea”

your heart feels so full it almost hurts so you do the only thing you can think of, you kiss him again and again until he groans against your lips and then collapses fully on top of you now, this time it’s his turn to cling.

“you know what?”, he mumbles, “actually forget the interview. stay here with me”

you burst out laughing, “oh my god, minnie”

“just five more minutes”

“you… hypocrite”

“please”, he whines, tightening his arms around you, “i’m just a man in love”

you laugh harder, your fingers sliding through his messy hair while he buries his face against your chest.

“you’re unbelievable”

“mmhm”, he mumbles against you, “but i’m still not letting you leave”

you smile so hard your cheeks hurt as your fingers continue brushing through his hair gently while the sunlight keeps filling the room around you. seungmin closes his eyes beneath your touch like he never wants to move again, like this is all he ever needed - you, your home together, in peace, finally.

the editor smiles at you from across the table and closes the printed manuscript carefully before placing both of her hands over it. 

“i loved it”, she says smiling at you.

you blink at her, almost like you didn’t hear her properly.

“what?”

she laughs softly at your expression, “your book”, she says again, “i loved it”

you feel your entire body go warm and she takes the opportunity to continue speaking.

“you write emotions beautifully”, she says, flipping one of the pages open again briefly, “and the relationship of the main characters feels very real. painfully real at times i would say”

you let out a nervous laugh because if she only knew.

“there’s something very honest about it, especially the way you write about love after loss. most people usually write second chance romances like fantasy, but yours feels…”, she pauses for a moment, searching for the right word, “lived… real”

your throat tightens immediately because it was lived, every page and chapter of your book, every heartbreak was definitely lived. you poured yourself into this book when you didn't know what else to do with your feelings. when loving seungmin felt impossible when he left, when your heart had nowhere to go except onto paper, when the show felt too complicated to even exist there, when seungmin came back and loving him felt like something you could never escape from.

the editor smiles softly again, “we still need to have a final meeting with the rest of the team but personally? i think this has a lot of potential”, she says as you stare at her, still trying to understand that this is finally happening, “we’d really like to publish it, y/n”

and suddenly your eyes burn. you bow quickly in your seat, completely overwhelmed and not sure of what to do.

“thank you”, you say breathlessly, “really, thank you so much”

she smiles again, “we’ll contact you soon after the meeting, but you should be really proud of yourself”

proud.

you feel like you could cry there and then, so you just shake hands politely, bow once more and then manage to leave her office without completely bursting into tears - you don’t really know how you pull that off to be honest.

the second the door closes behind you, you grab your phone and immediately call seungmin, your fingers shaking as you do it, and he answers instantly, like he was already waiting for your call.

“well?”

you laugh breathlessly, “she loved it”

“what?”

“seungmin, she loved it!”, you repeat louder now, unable to stop smiling, “and she said they want to publish it”

there’s a second of silence and then-

“i knew it!

you burst out laughing in the middle of the hallway, hearing seungmin screaming and cheering for you on the other end of the line.

“i knew it, i knew it!”, seungmin continues loudly, “i told you, baby, i told you they’d love it”

your smile hurts now but you’re so happy, so fucking happy.

“she said they still need to have another meeting”, you explain quickly while walking towards the lifts, “but she said it has potential and that she wants to publish it and-”

“i’m proud of you”

his words make you stop completely and you stand there in the middle of the hallway, your smile impossibly bigger and your eyes finally letting some tears fall down your face. seungmin’s voice grows quieter after that.

“i’m really proud of you baby”

you close your eyes while your tears still fall, “i love you, minnie”, you whisper and he can hear the smile on your voice.

he laughs softly through the phone, “i love you too, baby”

you hear movement on his side of the call, the keys jingling you think.

“where are you?”, you ask him as you start walking again. 

“i’m coming to pick you up”, he says and you hear the door closing.

“what?”

“i already spoke to minho”, he says, “we’re meeting all of them in like an hour anyway, so we have some time”

you smile instantly, “minnie”

“what?”

“you don’t need to come get me, i can go home and then we can leave together”

“i know i don’t have to, but i want to”

your heart melts completely and you can hear his smile through the phone.

“i’ll meet you downstairs in fifteen minutes”

you laugh softly, “okay, i’ll wait for you in the cafeteria”

“okay… and baby?” 

“yes?”

“you did it”

the words hit you harder than anything else today, because it’s true - you did it. you swallow quickly, then smile to yourself again.

“yeah”, you whisper softly while stepping inside the lift, “i did it”

you end the call and then the lift begins descending. you lean back against the mirrored wall, staring at your reflection while your heartbeat slowly calms. it’s crazy to think that it’s been one year since everything fell apart and somehow led you exactly where you were always meant to be. 

you think about that version of yourself sometimes - the girl crying against windows while storms raged outside who was terrified of hurting everyone, the girl who thought love had become something painful and impossible for her. 

you barely recognise her now, not because she disappeared, no. but because she survived and she finally found peace afterwards. the show changed everything for you.

it forced you and seungmin to finally face everything you had been too afraid to admit before - the hurt, the love, the fear, the longing, all of it. and somehow after all that chaos, after all the tears and the heartbreak, what remained was simple, you loved him and he loved you and your love survived anyway. 

the show also gave you a new found family - lily, minho and han. they were the people you met in the middle of heartbreak and became your family afterwards. and lily and minho could both say the same thing, because no longer after the show ended, they started dating and now they’re looking for places to move in together. 

you still see yuna and changbin sometimes too, but their lives are a bit more hectic than yours. you’ve seen them in occasional dinners and your birthday parties, and you text a lot, but still, they are some of the people you really want to keep in your life.

you saw yeong a bit more right after the show ended, but you’re not really in contact with her now. you think it might be because of minho and lily dating, so you don’t really blame her for becoming more distant now. feelings are feelings after all. 

you obviously don’t see hae or haven’t heard from her, like… none, zero, nada. not that you’re interested in seeing her to be honest.

and chan…

your chest softens slightly at the thought. things ended peacefully between you in the end, painfully but peacefully. the last time you saw him was the day before the show ended, when you went to their lodge looking for seungmin and you found him there instead. he had told changbin he needed distance to move on properly and you understood. 

you’ll probably always care about him in some way, but you know some people aren’t meant to stay forever in your life. some people arrive in your life to help you understand something before letting you go. and maybe that was what chan had been for you - a lesson, a comfort during a moment where you felt completely lost.

but seungmin… seungmin was your home, and he always had been.

the show gave you love again, your home, it gave you people who stayed and also, in the middle of all that chaos, your heartbreak became a book. a book that someone now wanted to publish - your dream, your love story, your second chance, your opportunity to love again, all of it became real.

who knows if someone could read your book and hope that it would be the same for them too. 

the doors finally open downstairs and you start walking towards the cafeteria, which is much quieter than usual when you walk in. there’s soft music playing somewhere in the background and when you look to the counter, you see felix and jeongin working there, both of them workers there who you have met during the last months, whenever you came to the meetings and such. 

the moment they see you, both of them straighten immediately behind the counter.

“and?”, felix asks you, his eyes wide and hopeful, “how did it go?”

you can’t even stop your smile before it spreads across your face again and apparently that’s enough answer for them because both of them react immediately.

“no way!”, jeongin says loudly, smiling big and bright at you.

felix gasps and then points at you, “they liked it!?”

you laugh again, still feeling like none of this is actually real and you’re gonna wake up any moment now.

“she said they want to publish it”, you tell them.

felix lets out the loudest scream and jeongin walks towards you, grabbing your shoulders the moment he gets close enough.

“congratulation, y/n!”, jeongin says.

“i knew it!”, felix says, walking towards you too, “i told you the last time you came here”

you laugh harder as both of them start talking over each other excitedly.

“this is so cool, y/n!”, felix says.

“you’re gonna be a published author”, jeongin says.

“a real author now!”

your cheeks hurt from smiling so much. the three of you end up laughing together in the cafeteria, while both of them just keep congratulating you and celebrating.

“you will have to sign my copy when it’s out”, felix says.

“no, you have to sign mine first”, jeongin argues.

“no, mine! i met her first, you weren’t here the first day she came!”, felix says.

“well, i met seungmin first so that’s 1-1”, jeongin says.

you laugh softly and shake your head. god, everything feels so good today, almost perfect, there’s no way this day could get any better.

felix leans back against the counter and smiles at you more softly after a moment.

“seriously though”, he says, “i’m sure you must have worked really hard for this, y/n, you should be proud of yourself”

you look down shyly for a second, “thank you, felix”

“i can’t wait to read it”, jeongin adds, “no, seriously, the way you talked about it every time you came here me want to read it and i’m not really a book guy to be honest”

you laugh, “that’s bad, you know?”

“yeah, really bad”, felix says, teasing him too, “we work in the cafeteria of a publishing house, you should be ashamed of yourself”

jeongin flips felix off and you start laughing again, shaking your head looking at the scene. 

“okay, so before you two continue judging me”, jeongin says, gesturing towards the menu behind felix, “miss author, coffee? cake? tea? ice cream?”

you smile and shake your head again, “no, thank you. seungmin’s picking me up in a bit”

both of them look at each other and smirk knowingly.

“oooh”, felix says, smirking at you now. 

“date night”, jeongin says.

“jeongin, it’s midday”, you tell him.

“and? love doesn’t know time”, you burst out laughing again, and he continues, “you’re disgusting actually, both of you”

“you’re just jealous of them”, felix says, hitting his shoulder softly.

“that would be correct but let’s pretend it’s not”, jeongin answers, making you all laugh again. 

felix suddenly looks over you shoulder then and smiles brightly, “oh, hi”

you turn and there he is, seungmin, walking towards you with that soft smile already on his face. your heart reacts to it instantly, it always will. he’s wearing simple black jeans and one of his shirts you keep stealing from him in the mornings when it’s the first thing your hands can reach to cover your naked body after you made love until late hours in the night. 

he reaches you and immediately leans down to kiss your cheek softly.

“hi, baby”

“hi”, you say, smiling up at him.

he greets felix and jeongin warmly, bowing politely while they start teasing him.

“seungmin, you’re gonna have a famous girlfriend now”, felix says, grinning at both of you.

seungmin looks at you proudly, “i know”

your chest melts but you don’t get to say anything before jeongin speaks this time.

“you better spoil her tonight, okay?”, he tells seungmin.

seungmin nods his head, “already planning to”

you laugh while jeongin groans again, “i hate couples”

“you’ll survive, don’t worry”, you tell him, all of you laughing. 

after another few minutes of talking and teasing, seungmin reaches for your hand, naturally and effortlessly, like it belongs there, which it does.

“come on”, he says softly, “we should go”

you say goodbye to felix and jeongin while they keep yelling congratulations after you and then leave the building together. the second you walk outside, you turn to seungmin but you barely even get a chance to speak because he pulls you gently towards him and kisses you, properly this time, so slow and soft that it steals your breath completely. 

you move your fingers to his shirt, curling there instinctively while he kisses you like he’s waiting to do that since the moment he arrived, even since the moment you left your apartment that morning. you melt into his lips, feeling like you could fly away at any moment, but his lips against yours are the only thing keeping you there. when he pulls away, you’re breathless, blinking up at him while he smiles softly against your lips.

“what was that for?”, you whisper, so out of it that you’re not even sure if you said those words out loud or only in your head.

“that”, he says, brushing his nose against yours, “was to tell you how proud i am of you”

“seungmin…”

“i mean it”, he says, “you did it, my love”

you look at him and then smile again, so hard it hurts your face, but you don’t care. he smiles too, that soft and beautiful smile that once destroyed you and now only makes you feel safe. then he intertwines your fingers together and starts walking slowly beside you.

“the restaurant’s close”, he says, “and we have time, so i thought we could walk there”

you squeeze his hand gently, “i’d like that”

he lifts your joined hands and kisses your knuckles softly before continuing down the street with you beside him, like he plans to do for the rest of his life. you honestly don’t think he’ll ever stop touching you whenever he can and you don’t think you’ll ever get tired of it. 

“you know”, he says beside you, “i think i need to start preparing mentally”

you look at him, confused, “for what?”

he sighs dramatically, and you know then he’s joking.

“for what felix said”, he says, “my girlfriend becoming famous”

you burst out laughing, “seungmin-”

“no, seriously”, he continues with complete seriousness now, or at least as much as he can pretend, “soon people are gonna stop us on the street”

“oh my god”

“you’ll become this huge author”, he continues, “and then i’ll have to protect you”

you laugh harder, “protect me from what exactly?”

“the paparazzi obviously”

“there are no paparazzi, seungmin”

“not right now, but there will be”, he says and nods to himself confidently, “i’ll become your bodyguard”

you snort, “you?”

“yes”, he says and squeezes your hand, “i’ll wear sunglasses indoors and stand behind you like this”

he suddenly straightens his posture dramatically and places his free hand on his ears like he’s listening to someone saying something and then scans the river like he's a security personnel.

you laugh so hard your stomach hurts, “you’re ridiculous”

“some would say i’m the perfect boyfriend but whatever”

“debatable”

he gasps softly beside you, “you wound me”

you shake your head while smiling helplessly and seungmin looks at you with that fond expression he always gets now whenever you laugh too hard, like your happiness is the most beautiful thing he’ll ever see. then his fingers brush softly against yours again.

“so”, he says more quietly after a moment, “what now?”

you look at him, “what do you mean?”

“the book”, he shrugs casually, but you know him too well, “what happens now?”

you narrow your eyes suspiciously, “you mean the story?”

“mmhm”

but there’s something in his voice, something much softer, almost delicate. you stare at him for another second before realisation settles inside your chest and you smile faintly to yourself because you know what he’s really asking. 

it’s not about the book, it’s about you and him, about your future. the book had always been inspired by both of you, the characters and their heartbreak and then their second chance. anyone reading it would never fully know, but seungmin does. he sees himself hidden between the pages every time he reads it and now he’s asking you what comes after the ending. 

“what do you think happens?”, you ask him softly.

he smiles a little at that. to anyone else it would sound like you’re discussing fictional characters but neither of you is really talking about fiction anymore.

“i think”, he says slowly, “the sequel should be less traumatic”

you laugh quietly, “yeah, definitely less traumatic”, you smile while looking ahead the river again and continue talking, “i think… that maybe they finally learn how to love each other properly”

seungmin’s face softens instantly beside you, “they already do”

your heart stumbles softly but you continue anyway because suddenly this conversation feels fragile somehow, much more important.

“and i also think that they…”, you say quietly, “they move to a different place, a big house this time”

“mmhm”

“with lots of windows”

“because the girl loves the sunlight”, he says simply but his words hit you gently, deeply, because you do love the sunlight and it’s something that you told him on your first date and he hasn’t forgotten.

you look down for a second because somehow after all this time he can still make you shy.

“and maybe…”, you continue softly, “they stop being scared all the time”

seungmin looks at you then, “they definitely do that”

you smile faintly.

“and maybe they get married eventually”

the words leave your mouth casually, too fast, you don’t even think about them, but your heart starts beating faster and seungmin notices so he tightens his hand around yours softly.

“yeah?”, he asks you carefully.

you try to act normal, “yeah”

“what kind of wedding would they have?”

you look at him suspiciously now because he’s way too invested in this.

“seungmin”

“what? i wanna know all the details of the sequel, i don’t care if they’re spoilers”

you laugh and pretend to think for a moment before you answer him. 

“maybe something small”, you say.

“small?”

“yeah”

he thinks for a second and adds, “near the ocean”

your chest warms at that, “near the ocean, yeah”

“with terrible weather”

you laugh, “absolutely terrible weather”

“yeah, like a storm maybe”, he says, laughing too.

“that rings a bell”

he grins proudly and then after a moment he says something else, casually, but it’s not.

“and they would probably have children, right?”

you choke slightly, “children?”

“yeah”

you stare at him now and he’s trying so hard not to smile.

“you’re insane”

“what? i’m just brainstorming here”

“sure”

you both keep walking slowly beside the river while people pass around you and the sky shines bright above you.

“how many?”, he asks you.

“what?”

“kids”

you laugh in disbelief, “minnie”

“oh come on, this is important for the plot”

you shake your head while smiling helplessly, “i don’t know… maybe two?”

he immediately shakes his head, “no”

you blink, “no?”

“three”

you stare at him in shock, “three!?”

“yes”, he says, nodding his head. 

“that’s a lot of children”

“it’s literally one more child”

“that’s still a whole person, kim seungmin”

he laughs loudly beside you, “you’d be beautiful pregnant”

your jaw drops immediately, “oh my god?”, he laughs even harder now while you hit his arm repeatedly, “you can’t just say things like that!”

“why not?”

“because… because you just can’t, okay?”

he’s still laughing while pulling you closer against him.

“okay, okay”

“unbelievable”, you say, shaking your head, but you can’t hide the smile on your face.

“but imagine it though”

you look at him and you can see he’s not joking anymore. there’s something softer in his eyes now, like he can actually see everything you’ve been talking about - a home, children running around, you beside him, all of that forever. 

“what would their names be?”, you ask him quietly, before you can stop yourself.

his expression changes instantly because now he knows you’re imagining it too and the realisation makes him smile so softly it almost makes you cry just looking at him.

“well”, he says thoughtfully, “we would have two girls and a boy and-

“you already planned it?”

“obviously”

you laugh again, “how many times have you thought about this?”

“i’ve lost track to be honest”, he says smiling softly and looking down shy for a moment before continuing, “for the girls i like bada and soyun”

you blink and you can feel your heart getting warmer and you have to stop yourself from crying.

“that’s actually really pretty, minnie”

he grins shyly at you before continuing, “and for the boy i like yoojin”

somehow it becomes this whole conversation after that, and you go from names to schools to whose personality the kids would inherit to who should be the one reading bed time stories each night. and through all of it, both of you know what this conversation really is. neither of you says it out loud but every glance lingers for too long and every smile feels to knowing because somehow without directly saying it, you’re talking about forever and the beautiful part is that you both want the same version of it.

eventually seungmin looks ahead and suddenly brightens.

“ice cream!”, he says, pointing at something ahead of you.

you follow his gaze and spot the small stall near the path and start laughing.

“seriously? we’re meeting the others to eat in a bit”

“and?”

“and you want ice cream now?”

he looks genuinely confused, “yes”

you shake your head fondly and he just grins when you finally nod.

“okay, fine”

“wait there for me”, he says, pointing towards the safety railing surrounding the han river.

you smile softly at him, “yes, mr. bodyguard”

“see? you’re already respecting my authority”

you laugh while walking towards the railing and seungmin heads towards the ice cream stall still smiling to himself. you rest your arms against the railing and smile to yourself while watching the sunlight dance across the water. this, this right here, is everything you used to dream about when you were younger.

you think about the conversation you just had with seungmin, about the weddings and children and books and sequels and forever disguised as jokes, and you smile again because deep down, you know that no matter what your future looks like, it’s going to be okay because he’ll be there. 

you hear your phone buzz in your pocket and you already start laughing before even checking it.

“unbelievable”, you mumble to yourself.

perks of dating a photographer, apparently. you pull your phone out and unlock it, already expecting exactly what it is - a text from seungmin, a photo to be exact. you shake your head fondly while opening the text and seeing the photo. in it, you’re standing by the railing with your back turned towards the camera, your hair moving in the breeze while the sunlight melts into the river in front of you.

your heart melts instantly because somehow he always captures you exactly the way he sees you, like you’re the most precious thing he’s ever loved.

you smile at the photo before your eyes drift lower and then freeze.

at the very bottom of the photo, slightly blurred but still visible enough for you to see it, there’s something in the corner of the frame.

a small open box and inside it, a ring.

your breath catches so suddenly it hurts and your eyes widen as your brain tries to process what you’re seeing.

no.

no way.

your heart starts pounding violently against your ribs and you look up from your phone, and then you turn around so fast your stomach flips and there he is.

seungmin, right in front of you.

on one knee.

the same ring box in his hands.

your breath leaves your lungs completely, “seungmin…”

his eyes are already glassy, red around the edges, emotional in that way he always gets when he’s trying very hard not to cry. everything feels blurred and distant now because all you can see is him, just him there in front of you.

you cover your mouth with both hands as tears flood your eyes, “oh my god, minnie-”

“baby”, he says quickly, already laughing nervously through his own tears, please let me talk before i start crying too much”

you laugh helplessly, the sound breaking apart with your sobs while you nod your head rapidly. he exhales shakily and looks at you like you’re the only thing keeping him breathing, and maybe you are.

“i had this whole speech planned”, he admits, laughing breathlessly, “and now i can’t remember any of it because you’re crying and now i’m crying too”

you shake your head while tears stream down your cheeks and then he smiles at you, that damn smile. the smile  that survived everything, the smile that once broke your heart and then spent a lot of time finding its way back to you.

“you know”, he says softly, “when we talked about the sequel just now…”, you laugh through your tears again, “the wedding, the kids… our future”, he says, his voice shaking, “i wasn’t really talking about the book”

your chest caves in completely, “i know”, you say, your voice not much louder than a whisper.

he looks down for a second, collecting himself, before looking back at you again. and there’s so much love in his face that it nearly destroys you, but it’s also enough to pull all of your pieces back together again.

“y/n… you are the love of my life”, he says quietly, and the world stops, “you always have been”

your tears fall harder and he continues talking, smiling at you.

“i knew it even back then”, he says, his voice trembling now, “when we first met and we were younger and stupid and thought love was supposed to be easy”, he laughs weakly, “but even when everything fell apart… even when we lost each other… even when i thought i ruined everything beyond repair… even when i thought i was going to lose you again…”, his eyes shine, “it was still you”

your knees feel weak as a sob leaves your lips.

“i tried so hard to survive without you”, he whispers, “but nothing ever felt fully right without you there”, he wipes at his eyes quickly with the back of his hand before continuing, “and then we found each other again”, your chest aches so painfully it feels beautiful, it almost feels poetic, “we went through hell to get back here, literally national hell”, he says with a shaky laugh.

you laugh loudly through your crying and he smiles at hearing it.

“but i would do all of it again if it meant ending up with you”, the sun catches against the tears on his cheeks as he whispers, “you’re my home, y/n. you’re my safest place. my favourite person. my best friend. my forever”, his voice cracks then, “and i don’t want a single future that doesn’t have you in it”

you cry harder at his words.

“i want all of it with you”, he says, “i want the wedding. i want the house getting too noisy because our kids inherited your personality and my inability to say no to them”

you laugh wetly and he laughs with you.

“i want to eat ice cream with you at midnight. i want to edit my photos while you write your books next to me. i want to wake up next to you when we’re old and we need to get ready to eat with our children and grandchildren too”

his tears fall freely now too.

“i just want you”, he says helplessly, “for the rest of my life”

you’re sobbing now, your hands still covering your mouth while your entire body shakes as you look at him.

“and i know we already found our way back to each other once”, he says softly, “but this time…”, he opens the ring box and the diamond catches the sunlight, “this time i never want to lose you again”, his voice breaks completely, “so, y/n…”, he laughs shakily through his tears, “will you marry me?”

you nod your head before he even finishes speaking.

“yes”, your voice breaks, “yes, yes-”, you laugh and cry at the same time, “of course i will”

his entire face crumbles with emotion, “really?”

“yes!”, you cry, “seungmin, yes”

he stands up so quickly he nearly loses balance and you both laugh through your tears before he grabs your face with both of his hands. your hands clutch at his shirt and you realise both of you are crying uncontrollably now.

“you’re really gonna marry me?”, he whispers like he still can’t believe it.

you nod your head desperately, “in every lifetime”

that breaks him completely and he can’t do anything else but kiss you right then and there.

nothing in your life has ever felt like this kiss. not your first kiss, not your kiss after you found your way back to each other, not the storm, not the heartbreak, nothing.

this kiss holds everything - every day apart, every chance, every “i miss you”, every fear, every apology, every moment you spent finding your way back to each other.

his hand shake against your cheeks while he kisses you like he still can’t believe you said yes, that you’re gonna spend your lives together. and at this moment, all you know is him and his mouth against yours and his tears mixing with yours and the sound of his shaky laugh when you smile against his lips becomes your favourite sound in the world.

“i love you”, he whispers desperately between kisses”

“i love you too”, you whisper in the same way.

and again.

and again.

like neither of you will ever get tired of hearing it.

he pulls away just enough to take the ring out of the box with trembling fingers and your breathing stutters when he gently takes your hand. the ring slides onto your finger perfectly and then he looks at it, looks at you, and starts crying all over again.

“oh my god”, he laughs breathlessly, hiding his face in your neck, “you’re really gonna marry me”

you burst into laughter through your tears and throw your arms around his neck, pulling him closer to you, and then he lifts his head just enough to catch your lips with his again.

“i’m so happy”, you whisper against his lips, your voice trembling as fresh tears gather in your eyes.

seungmin laughs softly, his own eyes still wet as he presses his forehead against yours.

“i know”, he says, “i can feel your heartbeat from here”

you let out a watery laugh and hold onto him tighter, your fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt like you still need to make sure he’s really there and this is real, that after everything, after all the heartbreak and fear and almost losing each other forever, this is where you ended up. 

together and engaged, still hopelessly in love. 

“i love you so much”, you say and the words come out broken because there’s simply too much emotion inside you now to say anything properly.

his entire expression softens immediately, a softness reserved only for you.

“i love you more”, he says.

“that’s impossible”

“no”, he says seriously, wiping another tear from your cheek with his thumb, “you don’t understand. i’m obsessed with you”

you burst into laughter through your tears and he smiles at the sound and then his eyes widen.

“we have to go!”

“what?”

“we have to go”, he says again, “they’re waiting for us”

your brain takes a second to catch up and then your eyes widen too, “wait-”

seungmin starts laughing immediately because he already know what you’re about to ask.

“they knew?”

he tries to look innocent, “well…”

“kim seungmin”, he laughs harder while you stare at him in complete betrayal, “you told them!? you told them you were gonna propose?”

“i had to!”

“oh my god”

he grabs your hand again before you can walk away from him and presses another quick kiss to your lips.

“i didn’t tell them when i was gonna do it though”, he defends himself between laughs, “I just told them it was gonna happen eventually”

“ugh, you’re unbelievable”

“but i’m your fiancé now”

you freeze there and so does he, as the word hangs between you.

fiancé. your fiancé.

you both stare at each other for a second before breaking down laughing again because neither of you can emotionally handle that yet. 

“oh my god”, you whisper, covering your face, “seungmin, you’re my fiancé”

he looks just as emotional hearing you say it, “yeah”, he says softly and then, quieter, “and you’re my fiancée”

your chest aches so hard it feels like your heart is physically overflowing. you grab his face and kiss him again, long and soft, smiling against his mouth halfway through because neither of you can stop smiling now. when you pull away, he brushes his nose against yours gently.

“i really did have this whole speech planned, by the way”, he says.

you laugh, “i know, minnie”

“no, seriously. i practised in front of the mirror when you weren’t home”

“that’s adorable”

“and it was good too”, he complains softly, “like award winning level”

you laugh harder as he intertwines your fingers again and finally starts walking with you down the river and this time you stay impossibly close to him. your joined hands swing between you while your other hand wraps around his arm, holding onto him like you never want even an inch of distance between you again. seungmin looks down at you and immediately melts a little at how close you’re standing, then he kisses the top of your head softly.

“when did you even decide to do it?”, you ask him after a moment.

he smiles to himself, “honestly?”

“yeah”

“i’ve known for a while now”, he admits, “but today…”, his fingers squeeze yours gently, “when you called me after your meeting, you sounded so happy”, he says softly, “and i just kept thinking about how badly i wanted to spend every version of your future beside you”

your eyes burn instantly again.

“and then we had that conversation about the sequel”, he continues, laughing softly, “and our fake definitely-not-real children”

“excuse you, they’re very real now”

he grins, “right, sorry”

“you literally named all of them”

“i did, yeah”

you laugh again while he just looks ahead, a proud smile on his face. then your expression changes and you gasp loudly.

“wait the ice cream-”

seungmin immediately bursts into laughter.

“you lied to me!?”

“i’m sorry, baby, i had to!”, he says as he doubles over laughing while you hit his arm lightly.

“you were never gonna get ice cream, were you?”

“no”

“oh god…”

“i’m sorry! i had to distract you somehow to ask you to become my future wife”

you cover your face while he laughs harder, “ugh, i hate you so much”

“no, you don’t”

you smile because, well, you obviously don’t, you could never hate him, not in this lifetime, not in any of them. as you continue walking towards the restaurant, seungmin glances sideways at you with a mischievous smile.

“you know”, he says casually, “you’re gonna have people fighting to be your maid of honour”

you start laughing, “oh god, you’re right”

“lily’s gonna get violent”

“she absolutely will”

“and han too”, he says laughing.

you snort loudly, “he can’t be my maid of honour, he’s a boy”

“and you think that will stop him?”

you stare at him, “yeah, you’re right, he would definitely do it”

you both burst into laughter just imagining it.

“lily would actually kill him, it would ruin the wedding”, you say.

“i think it’d improve the wedding actually”, he says.

you laugh so hard you have to stop walking for a second and seungmin watches you with the softest expression imaginable. when your laughter finally calms, he steps closer to you again, very close. his hand moves to your cheek and then the noise of the city feels distant again.

“i love you so much” he says quietly, but it’s as honest and certain like breathing.

your chest tightens at his words, “i love you too, seungmin”

he smiles and then lends down and kisses you again beneath the bright sky while the han river glows beside you and the city moves endlessly around the two of you. 

and for the first time in your life, forever no longer feels frightening, because now you know exactly who you’ll spend it with.

a/n: and this, my loves, is how reader and seungmin's love story ends 🥹 we made it!! they're happy, together again and ENGAGED! howeverrrr... this is NOT the end of this series because there's ONE CHAPTER MORE: AN ALTERNATIVE ENDING 🫣 but i will tell you more about this in my next post because i don't want to make this a/n long so see you there vroooom vroooom

the library

likes, reblogs and comments are always appreciated 🌟

if you want me to add you to the taglist let me know in the comments ☺️

dividers by my darling @lariesographic 🩷

his fingers lingered at the back of your head for a second, adjusting the knot with a quiet hum. "There," he murmured, "Perfect." Then he was guiding you backward, his hands firm on your shoulders until your spine met the pillows.

Chan's weight dipped the mattress beside you, his knee brushing your thigh as he shifted to reach for something off camera. he clicked a button open, the quiet buzz of a vibrator turning on sent an immediate shiver down your spine — you knew that sound too well already.

The vibrator lingered just above your clit, the thin fabric of your panties doing nothing to dull the heat of it, the tease of it. Chan let it hover there, the vibrations dialed low, just enough to make your hips twitch up toward it instinctively. "Uh uh," he chided, his thumb pressing into the softness of your hip to hold you still. "You don’t get to rush this."

he traced lazy circles, the pressure maddeningly light, it had your thighs tensing, your breath coming quicker. You could already feel the dampness between your legs, the way your body was reacting even before he’d really started.

Then, without warning, he increased the speed. The buzz deepened, rougher now, and your back arched off the bed as the vibrations shot straight through you. "hnngh—" you gasped, your fingers twisting against the cuffs.

"That’s more like it," he mused, angling the toy a little lower, letting it grind against you in slow strokes. The fabric was soaked through now, and you could feel yourself getting closer with every pass — your muscles tightening, your pulse thudding in your ears.

Just as your hips started rocking up into it, Chan pulled it away. The sudden absence of it was almost painful, your body jerking forward trying to chase it, a whine tearing from your throat before you could stop it. "Oh, come on," you panted, shaking your head against the pillows.

"Oh, don’t give me that," he said, and you could hear the grin in his voice. "You think I didn’t see you edging yourself on the couch earlier? Trying to get a head start?" His fingers tapped once against your inner thigh, "No cheating, sweetheart. You’re gonna earn it." The vibrator clicked off entirely, and you groaned, your thighs pressing together instinctively.

"You’re so mean," the words barely left your lips before the vibrator clicked back on — higher this time, a sharper buzz that sent an instant jolt through you, your entire body jerking like you’d been shocked. "Fuck—!" The sound punched out of you, and Chan laughed, the toy already circling mercilessly against your clit through the soaked fabric.

"You were saying?" he mused, his free hand splaying across your stomach to hold you down as your hips bucked uncontrollably. The vibrations were relentless, buzzing straight through your nerves, lighting you up from the inside out.

Every muscle tensed, your thighs trembling, your fingers clawing uselessly at the cuffs — it was too much and not enough all at once, the pleasure cresting so fast it left you gasping.

he kept the pressure just shy of unbearable, the toy grinding against you with the kind of precision that made your toes curl into the sheets. "There we go," he murmured, his voice dripping with satisfaction as your hips twitched helplessly under his hand. "Listen to you —getting so loud for me already."

And you were. Every gasp, every whine, every broken half word spilling from your lips was magnified by the blindfold, by the cuffs, by the sheer need coiling low in your stomach.

You could hear yourself — desperate, shameless — and it only made the heat pool deeper between your thighs. "you sound pretty like this," he mused, angling the toy just enough to make your back arch off the bed. "Bet the chat’s losing their minds over it."

lixonfire: losing mind AND my pants

probablyflickingmybean: stole my moms credit card for this and now I think Im bi

squirtlord: wait put me in the middle

The pleasure was building again, you could feel it — the tension coiling tighter, your muscles trembling, your pulse pounding everywhere the vibrator touched. You were so close, so fucking close—

Then it was gone.

The toy lifted away, a wounded noise tearing from your throat "no—!", the buzz fading just as your body jerked forward, "Chan— please —" you choked out, your voice cracking on the word.

"Please what?" he teased, dragging the vibrator in one slow, torturous line down your inner thigh, "Use your words, sweetheart."

slave4u: the things I'd let this man do to me set women back generations.

changtitties: MAKE HER BEG MORE

You swallowed hard, your throat dry, your hips twitching uselessly toward the sensation. "Please— i wanna cum," you managed, the words barely more than a whisper.

Chan let the vibrator hover just above your skin, "Hmm? Didn’t catch that," he mused, his voice dripping with false innocence.

The toy traced a slow, teasing circle in the air, close enough that you could feel the heat of it radiating against your damp skin. "You’re gonna have to speak up, sweetheart. The mic’s not that good."

Your hips jerked uselessly toward the sensation, your breath hitching as the vibrations teased the edge of your clit . "Please," you gasped, louder this time, the word cracking under the weight of how badly you needed it. "Please, Chan— let me cum." The plea tumbled out ragged, your voice breaking halfway through, Chan made a soft, approving noise in the back of his throat.

"There it is," he purred, rewarding you by shoving your soaked panties aside and pressing the vibrator directly on you all at once, the full force of it grinding against you without warning.

You cried out, your body arching off the bed as the pleasure slammed into you so sudden that your vision blurred at the edges. Chan’s free hand pinned your hip to the mattress, his grip firm as he held you in place, the toy working mercilessly against you. "Good girl," he murmured, his voice rough with satisfaction. "Knew you could beg pretty."

The praise lit you up as much as the vibrator did, warmth flooding your chest even as your thighs trembled under the relentless stimulation. "don't stop — don't stop please!" You were so close already, your muscles tightening, your breath coming in short, frantic gasps. it wouldn’t take much more, just a little longer, just—

And then the pressure shifted, the toy angling just right, and your entire body locked up as pleasure crashed over you in a dizzying wave. "chan—!" Your voice shattered around his name, your back bowing off the bed as you came, the vibrations wringing every last drop of pleasure from you until you were limp and shaking beneath him.

But he didn’t stop.

The vibrator kept going, the buzz dialed up even higher now, and your hips jerked wildly as oversensitivity clawed at your nerves. "Wait— fuck," you sobbed, your thighs trying to clamp together instinctively, but free hand kept them spread.

"Too much— ah —please," The words spilled out in a tangled mess, your body torn between pushing into the sensation and writhing away from it, your breath coming in ragged, punched out gasps.

“Aw, baby,” he cooed, the vibrator never letting up its ruthless rhythm against your oversensitive clit. “Thought you didn’t want me to stop?” His fingers dug into the plush of your thighs, holding you steady as your body jerked, every nerve alight with too much, too much—

more noises punched out of you in a shattered moan as the toy angled harder, the vibrations ratcheting up another notch just to hear you break.

“C’mon,” he coaxed, his hand skating up your stomach to splay over your ribs, his palm warm through the damp fabric of your shirt. “You can take one more.” The vibrator flicked higher, the buzz sharpening to a near painful edge, and your back arched off the bed as pleasure coiled tight in your gut again— too soon, too soon, but your body was already responding.

“yes yes, fuck— I can take it” you gasped, your hips rolling up despite yourself, chasing the dizzying high even as oversensitivity burned under your skin.

“Knew you had it in you.” His fingers flexed against your ribs, his grip bruising as he pinned you down, the vibrator working you relentlessly toward the edge again.

Then you came for the second time, hard, Your thighs trembled violently against his knee, the cuffs digging into your wrists as you twisted helplessly into the sheets.

The blindfold was damp now, clinging to your temples with sweat— or tears, or maybe both, the fabric sticking uncomfortably as you gasped for air. Chan didn’t let up, the vibrator still humming mercilessly against your oversensitive clit until you sobbed, your hips jerking in aborted little spasms. "Enough—please, enough—"

he finally lifted the toy away. The sudden absence of sensation left you shuddering, your body limp and twitching.

His fingers brushed the damp hair off your face, his touch almost tender as he thumbed away the moisture at the edge of the blindfold and gave you a sweet kiss at your forehead.

He shifted, the mattress dipping as he leaned over you to address the chat. "Alright, you animals, that’s our show for tonight," he announced, his tone shifting back into that performative, cocky lilt. "This pretty girl’s done — can’t have her passing out on me." The camera caught the way his grin softened when he glanced down at you, his fingers idly tracing the line of your jaw. "Say goodbye, sweetheart."

You mumbled something incoherent into the pillows, your voice wrecked, and Chan laughed, turning back to the screen. "Yeah, yeah, she’s real articulate right now."

hentaib00bs: bye mommy and daddy

zendaddy123: NO DON'T GO PLS

c00chieslayer: it's all over the screen

seungmininthepornsight: invite me next time

maknae0ntopofyou: ^^^ what he said

his thumb hovered over the end stream button. "Next time, maybe we’ll see if she can make it to four. Night, degenerates."

a/n: okay okay last one before I convince myself I hate it, based of this and this

taglist:@yourqueenlady @kloversung @hycnsung @seagulljk @eyyyylucieeee @zosauce @minniebitesfr @jazz7gnab @stormynight-240 @ariaaleelynn @pedropacals0l0s @caalcyon @hyunjinswife4ever @11racha @starlostjisung @straykitten88 @mandmilovehim @hanjinology @breakmeonce @carrotcakeesblog @supernaturalsunny @gwinamlvr @parkairis18 @g0obz @tumvlrgirlsblog @atetheluck @shortcake-whoops @mylovchris @avchannie @emeraldgem22 @pinkyrec @yourtypicalnerd @skzhyunjinwifey @stryscribbles @jektaev @cb9711 @lostinmymind-daydreaming @b4echo @viisstrayy @binniebb @angellixmar @gnablana @non3ofurbusiness @kitty-bleh @klarkapascal @toxixcherry @allthingsavengery

you don’t remember falling asleep or how you even got to your bed last night, you only remember fragments of everything. you remember the sound of the rain against the windows, your wet clothes abandoned somewhere on the floor, your hands shaking while you curled into yourself beneath the sheets that seemed unfamiliar. 

and thunder, you remember so much thunder, and it followed you even in your sleep. 

you wake up the next morning with a pain in your chest so heavy that it feels like it’s gonna burst. you lie in your bed staring blankly at the window while the storm continues outside, softer now but constant, the rain tapping endlessly against the glass like fingers that refuse to stop knocking.

your body feels exhausted, your eyes burning and your head aching, and your throat is raw from all your crying. and then it all comes back at once - seungmin’s face, his voice, how he kissed your forehead, how he left and never came back.

you shut your eyes immediately like maybe you can stop the memories if you do, but that only makes them worse, because now they flash behind your eyelids in sharp pieces, quick and blinding like lightning splitting open the dark.

seungmin crying in front of you, his hands shaking as you held him, his voice cracking when he tried to speak, how he looked at you before he walked away.

you inhale sharply and sit up too quickly, pressing one of your hands against your chest like maybe you can physically hold yourself together before you come apart again.

outside, the sky is still dark with storm clouds. the sea stretches beyond the window, grey and furious beneath the rain, the waves crashing against the rocks below like they’re trying to destroy themselves. the ocean looks exactly how you feel, restless and wild, unable to calm down no matter how exhausted it becomes. 

the rain slides endlessly down the glass, distorting everything outside into something blurred and fractured. the horizon disappears every few seconds beneath sheets of rain before reappearing again like a wound reopening. 

another flash of lightning cuts across the sky and you mind flashes with a new memory again, seungmin pressing his forehead against yours as you both cried.

thunder follows seconds later, loud enough to shake the glass a bit. you stand up and walk towards the window, standing there barefoot while the storm rages outside. the sea below is violent this morning, the waves throwing themselves against the shore over and over again despite knowing they’ll break apart every single time, but you understand that feeling now. 

another flash.

seungmin’s lip against your forehead.

another one. 

the look on his face before he left.

another.

him leaving and not coming back.

and god, that part is the one that hurts the most. you squeeze your eyes shut hard as the rain outside grows heavier, hitting the windows as the wind howls somewhere beyond the glass.

the storm never really stopped last night, just changed, just like the storm inside you did. because even now, hours later, your thoughts still feel loud and impossible to escape from, and every memory crashes into the next one endlessly.

chan screaming.

seungmin crying.

your own voice begging seungmin to stay. 

the terrifying feeling of his hands pulling yours away from his face.

you wonder if he slept at all, you wonder if he regrets coming back to kiss your forehead, and this last thought nearly destroys you again.

you press your forehead weakly against the cold glass window and stare out at the ocean while tears burn behind your eyes all over again. everything outside feels haunted by him somehow . the grey sky, the trembling thunder, the waves against the shore, the rain running down the glass in uneven paths like tears no one bothered wiping away.

even the sea looks heartbroken, and when a sudden crack of thunder splits through the air again, much louder this time, you flinch and another memory flashes through you so vividly it steals your breath. 

“i’m sorry. i’m so sorry”

your eyes squeeze shut at the memory. you can still hear his voice perfectly, still feel his hands on your body. you still feel the ache of him walking away and the devastation of you not running after him.

maybe this is what heartbreak really is, not just one clean break, but just surviving hundreds of tiny hauntings afterwards. the way someone keeps existing everywhere even after they leave, the way your body still reaches for them automatically, the way your mind keeps replaying every single moment together, the way love lingers in every silence after it no longer has anywhere to go. 

outside, lightning tears across the sky once more, illuminating the sea in bright silver for half a second before darkness swallows it again. it’s beautiful but it’s gone too quickly, just like seungmin.

you hear the door opening behind you and you turn just in time to see lily stepping into the room and then closing the door. none of you speak at first, the storm fills the silence for you instead, the rain striking the windows while the thunder rolls somewhere far across the sea.

you’re still standing by the window when she looks at you properly, and the moment her eyes soften, your burn again.

“hey”, she says quietly, walking towards you, “how are you feeling?”

the question almost makes you laugh because you don’t even know how to answer it anymore, so you look away from her and just shake your head.

“i don’t know”

your voice sounds destroyed and lily’s face falls at the sound of it.

“come here”, she whispers.

she takes your hand and leads you back towards your bed. you sit down beside her, pulling the sheets tighter around yourself while the storm keeps raging outside the windows. 

“you really scared me a lot last night”, she says.

you blink at her, “what?”

her brows pull together, “you don’t remember?”, you shake your head and she continues, “when minho, han and i came outside the bar… you were just standing there crying, full sobbing, i’ve never seen you cry like that, you were shaking so much, y/n”

the image of seungmin walking away from you flashes through your mind again and your breathing becomes uneven again. lily notices immediately and reaches for your hand.

“you couldn’t even talk properly”, she says, “han kept trying to get you to breathe and minho gave you his jacket because you were freezing and shaking”

you genuinely don’t remember any of that, you just remember seungmin leaving and then collapsing inside yourself after that. everything after feels blurred and fractured, like shattered glass you can’t piece back together.

“we brought you home”, lily continues, “but you just kept crying the whole way back”

your eyes fill again, “oh my god, lily…”

“hey”, she says quickly, squeezing your hand harder, “it’s okay”

but you know it’s not, nothing feels okay anymore. you press your palms against your eyes because the tears are coming too fast again. 

“i can’t do this anymore. i’m so tired”, you whisper, your words coming out broken and shaking, “so so tired, lily”

her face crumbles when she hears you and she moves closer, wrapping her arms around you while you break apart against her shoulder again.

“i know”, she whispers, rubbing your back, “i know, love, i know”

“he looked so broken, lily”, you say through your tears, “and i… i’d never seen him like that. and chan-”, your voice cracks painfully, “everything just exploded and i- i didn’t know what to do and i-”

“you don’t have to explain it to me”

“but i hurt everyone”

“no”, she cuts in and you pull back to look at her, “no, y/n. what happened last night wasn’t your fault”

“but-”

“what chan did was wrong”, she says, her voice much firmer this time, making your tears stop for a moment, “look, i understand that he’s hurting too”, she says carefully and then sighs, “i really do. he likes you and watching all of this happen can’t have been easy for him either. but seungmin…”

she pauses and pulls your hair away from your face.

“y/n, seungmin has been drowning since the beginning of this show. he had to watch you get close to someone else while pretending he didn’t even know you”, she says, “he had to sit there every day acting normal while you were hurting and he couldn’t comfort you properly”, you close your eyes at her words, “and then last night… god”

you start crying again when she pauses.

“he loves you so much, y/n, so so much”

the words hit like lightning inside your chest and you cover your face as sobs leave you harder now.

“i know”, you cry, “i know”  

you can still see him so clearly - his shaking hands, his red eyes, everything. you press your hand against your mouth trying to stop yourself from crying harder. lily lets you cry with her until the tears slow naturally, until your breathing steadies enough that you’re no longer shaking with every inhale.

“lily, i…”, you whisper helplessly, “i can’t keep doing this to him, “your voice cracks apart on the last word, “i need to talk to him, i can’t let him go”

she brushes your hair back gently, “okay, but you’re taking a shower first”

“no, lily, i need to see him”

“and you will”

“but- what if he leaves? what if he-”

“y/n, the show is ending tomorrow, and let’s be honest, he’s not leaving without you”

you look away from her before she speaks again.

“i’m serious, y/n, you’re exhausted and you’ve been crying for hours. take a shower first”, she says gently, “let me make you some breakfast. let your body calm down for… ten minutes before you go and talk to him, okay?”

you look at her again and try to shake your head, but she’s right, you’re exhausted.

“i promise you you’re not gonna lose him”, she says, “please”

you want to run out of the house and find seungmin immediately but you just nod your head and smile softly at her. she pulls you into a hug and then you both stand up, before she leaves your room and you walk to the bathroom to take a shower. 

the hot water falls against your skin while your thoughts continue spinning in your head, too loud to drown even beneath the sound of the water from the shower and the storm outside. you lean one hand against the wall and close your eyes as steam curls around you, but every time you do, you see seungmin again.

when you finally leave the bathroom, you get dressed quickly in a hoodie and some shorts and then leave your room, the smell of food reaching you from downstairs. you walk there and find lily with minho and han in the kitchen. han is standing near the stove holding a spatula while minho looks one second away from taking it away from him forever.

“han…”, minho sighs.

“what? i’m not doing anything wrong”, han says, his eyes widening as he turns towards minho but minho just stares at him.

“hi..”, you say, feeling shy all of a sudden, and your voice much lower than you wanted to.

“hi”, han says when he sees you, the three of them looking at you with soft and tender faces when they see you, “how are you? well, i know the answer but still-”

“i know”, you say, laughing a bit, but there’s no humour in your voice, “i’m… well, i’m bad”, you say, answering honestly

minho walks towards you and pulls out a chair for you, “come on, sit down and eat something”

you do and then reach for the coffee that lily places in front of you, warming you up instantly. you stare at your cup for a moment before you speak again.

“thank you”, the three of them look at you, “for last night, even if i apparently don’t remember any of it”

“you really scared us, y/n”, han says.

minho nods his head, “yeah, but you don’t have to thank us for helping you. you’re our friend, we wanted to help you”

lily sits down next to you and squeezes your arm gently, you’ve found it’s her way of telling you she’s there for you. you look at her and your eyes start burning again, so you look down at the coffee again before you start crying. you drink your coffee quickly and by the time you finish, the rain has stopped. the clouds still hang low and dark, heavy with another storm waiting to happen, but the world outside the lodge is no longer drowning.

“i’m gonna go now”, you say as you stand up. 

lily looks at you, “do you want one of us to go with you?”

you shake your head, “no, i need to do this alone”

she reaches for your hand and then squeezes before she lets you go, then you turn to look at the boys, who are still fighting with the stove, trying not to destroy the kitchen.

“good luck”, han says as minho smiles at you.

you smile at them and then walk towards the entrance, putting on your shoes and then leaving the house. as you walk to the other lodge, you can smell the wet pavement and sea salt in the air, which is cold against your skin. the water still drips from some of the rooftops you pass on your way there as well as from the trees around you. you can hear distant thunder rolling somewhere beyond the cliffs, the storm waiting to begin again. 

your heart beats harder with every step you take and when you reach the lodge, your hands are trembling again. you type the code into the lock and then the door opens. you barely even close the door behind you before heading straight towards seungmin’s room, but when you get there and you knock on the door, there’s no answer. you wait a second longer and knock again, but still, nothing.

“seungmin?”

silence.

you knock again and when there’s no answer this time either, you open the door and step inside. the room is completely empty, the bed still unmade. 

“seungmin?”, you ask the empty room, but still, nothing.

you move towards the bathroom that’s connected to the room and knock before opening the door when you don’t get an answer here either.

it’s empty as well, and your heartbeat starts speeding up harder now.

where is he?

you turn and leave the bathroom, anxiety beginning to crawl painfully up your throat, your hands trembling again. but just when you leave his room and close the door, you find chan in the hallway. 

you both freeze, he wasn’t expecting to see you there, and you, in your rush to see seungmin and talk with him, hadn’t thought about the possibility of seeing chan there. his face changes when he sees you standing there, nervous and breathless and clearly searching for someone else, someone that’s not him.

you swallow hard, you honestly don’t wanna talk to him now, but you need to find seungmin, and your mind prioritises that. 

“do you know where seungmin is?”

chan hesitates, then shakes his head, “no”

you nod your head, “okay”

you move to walk past him, too focused on finding seungmin, too focused on talking to him, but chan speaks again before you can leave.

“y/n”

you stop but don’t turn around, you stay with your back turned towards him.

“i… i need to talk to you”, he says, his voice shaking and much lower than you’ve ever heard him. 

you close your eyes and sigh, shaking your head, “i can’t do this right now, chan, i need to find seungmin”

you try to walk away again.

“please”, he says, and something in his voice makes you stop, “i… i’m sorry”

slowly, your turn around to look at him and he’s still standing in the middle of the hallway. his hair is messy like he’s been running his hands through it for hours and there are dark circles beneath his eyes that weren’t there these past few days. for the first time since you met him, he doesn’t look calm and sure of himself. he looks completely heartbroken. 

the silence stretches between you quietly while distant thunder rolls somewhere outside again, then he exhales and looks down at the floor before speaking again.

“y/n, i’m really sorry about last night, about everything i said”, his jaw tightens after that, like even hearing himself say it hurts, “i shouldn't have done that. i shouldn’t have pushed you like that in front of everyone”, his eyes lift to yours finally, “and I shouldn't have gone after seungmin the way i did”

the guilt in his face makes your chest ache, then, he laughs under his breath, but there’s nothing amused about it.

“i think i just…”, he stops for a second, trying to find the words, “i think i kept telling myself i could handle it. but then, the dates yesterday, and seeing you coming with him… you looked so happy, y/n. and i know that shouldn't have made me angry, but it did”, his voice cracks a little after that, "because i realised i was sitting there watching the person i like finding her way back to the person she has been in love with all this time”

you inhale sharply and your eyes start blurring again, but chan shakes his head when he notices.

“no, don’t-”, he says, “please, don’t look at me like that. i’m not saying this to make you feel guilty”

“chan…”

“i’m not…”, he repeats softly and then swallows hard, “i just… i think something in me snapped yesterday”, you stare at him while he struggles through the words, “and i just kept watching you both, and i knew”, his eyes meet yours again then, “i think i knew before you did”

he gives you a small smile after that, but it looks so sad that it breaks something inside you.

“how you looked at him yesterday…”, he says quietly, “well, how you’ve looked at him since the beginning if i’m honest”, your eyes burn and a couple of tears run down your face, “and then seeing him look at you in the same way”, he exhales shakily, “i think i was just in denial, i didn’t wanna admit even to myself that i had lost before i ever really had a chance”

the words hurt so much you almost physically feel them inside your chest and you shake your head immediately.

“no”

chan smiles again, this time weaker, “y/n, it’s okay”

“no, no it’s not”, your voice breaks a bit, “you didn’t deserve that”

his expression softens as he keeps looking at you, “you don’t have to defend me right now, y/n”

“i’m not defending what happened”, you say, “what you did last night wasn’t okay” 

he nods his head, “i know”

“but…”, your voice weakens, “i think i understand why you exploded”

because the truth is ugly sometimes but it’s also human.

“this show… it has been pulling all of us apart for weeks”, you lower your eyes for a second before you continue, “and i should apologise too”

chan’s brows pull together, “what?”

you force yourself to continue anyway, “i gave you false hope”

“no, you didn’t”

“i did, chan, i just… didn’t realise it at the time”, he watches you while you struggle to find the right words, “i thought i was just trying to move on, that i was meeting someone else, and when i was with you…”, you smile sadly, your throat burning painfully, “things felt easy, “his eyes soften when he hears you saying that, “you made me feel calm, safe… even happy”

your confession clearly hurts him and comforts him at the same time.

“and i think part of me wanted that so badly that i kept trying to believe it was enough”, you swallow before you continue, “but my feelings for seungmin never actually disappeared. i’m sorry”

chan closes his eyes briefly after hearing your words, like he’s finally accepting something he already knew, and when he opens them again, they look shinier than before.

“y/n, you don’t need to apologise for loving someone”, he says quietly.

your tears start falling again, guilt twisting painfully inside you, “but i hurt you, i hurt both of you”

“you know”, he starts, taking a step closer to you, but that’s it, that’s the closest he will get to you now, “i think that’s the problem with this show, or one of them at least”, he laughs softly, making you laugh too, “it makes everyone feel guilty for being human, for feeling”

maybe he’s right, maybe all of you have spent so long trying to avoid hurting each other that you forgot feelings don’t always happen cleanly, they don’t happen how you plan them. 

chan looks at you for another moment and then smiles faintly again, “i really hope you can be happy, y/n”

the sincerity in his voice nearly breaks you, because you can see he clearly isn’t okay right now, but he’s still saying it anyway.

your vision blurs slightly again, “i hope you can be happy too, chan”

he laughs softly through his nose, “i will”

you both stand there quietly after that, two people at the end of something that never started, not enemies or strangers, just two people who found each other at the wrong time maybe.

thunder rumbles outside again, getting louder now, the next storm coming.

chan notices you, your hands tightening around the sleeves of your hoodie and this time, instead of pain crossing his face, something softer does - acceptance.

“go and find him, before he loses his mind completely”, he says. smiling faintly despite everything.

you look at him one last time before nodding softly and then you turn and walk away, your heartbeat growing louder with every step as you go searching for seungmin, as you finally leave chan behind. when you step outside the lodge, the wind hits you so hard it makes you stop for a moment. the storm is coming back, and you can feel it everywhere, and your heart is already beating too fast.

seungmin.

his name repeats inside your head over and over again while you hurry down the wet street, your hands shaking as you pull your phone out and call him. once, twice, three times, but nothing, the line doesn’t even ring properly. it says that the person you are calling is unavailable. 

“no, no, no, no…”

you try again while you start walking faster, but still nothing, and the fear inside you starts growing and then spreads through your body like ice water. you know him and something feels wrong.

you walk faster, then even faster, almost running now, the streets blurring around you while thunder cracks loud overhead. the storm had waited just long enough for you to start searching for seungmin and now it finally breaks open completely. the rain starts falling hard and cold, and within seconds, your hair is soaked and your hoodie sticks to your skin, but you barely notice it.

you keep calling him, still unavailable.

“please, seungmin, please pick up” 

the words leave your mouth brokenly while you hurry down the streets towards the beach.

that’s it, the beach.

of course.

that place had always been yours, you loved going there, you always ended up there somehow. you remember late nights sitting on the sand together sharing ramen from the convenience store nearby, you remember seungmin taking photos of the sea while pretending not to take photos of you too. you remember seungmin laughing while waves soaked both of your shoes because you kept walking too close to the water, and you also remember him kissing you there once during another storm years ago.

your chest hurts so bad now you almost can’t breathe.

you start running as the rain grows heavier and thunder shakes the sky again. you hear some cars passing somewhere nearby but everything is blurred by your panic and the rain and all of your memories. your shoes splash against puddles while your fingers keep trembling around your phone.

call failed.

again.

again.

“fuck-”

your voice cracks apart and when you finally reach the beach, you’re breathing so hard your lungs burn. the ocean looks brutal and savage today - huge waves crash against the shore beneath the dark sky while the rain lashes against the sand almost sideways because of the wind. the entire beach looks endless and terrifying, even though you’ve been there countless times before.

your eyes start searching everywhere - the shore, the rocks, the port further away, but nothing, no sign of him.

“seungmin!”

your voice disappears into the storm and then you start walking faster across the wet sand, then running again.

“kim seungmin!”

nothing answers back except thunder. panic climbs higher inside your throat and you call his phone again while turning in circles desperately, trying to see through the rain.

unavailable.

your breathing starts breaking apart completely now.

“seungmin!”

this time you scream it even louder than before, more desperate, but the wind tears the sound away. you keep moving along the shore, the rain blurring your vision while fear starts becoming something uglier now, something unbearable. your mind begins thinking things you don’t want to think, but then, you stop, your entire body freezes. 

something is lying near the water, half soaked by the waves, and your stomach drops. at first your brain can’t process what you’re seeing through the rain, then lightning flashes across the sky and you realise what it is.

clothes.

someone’s clothes, abandoned near the shoreline, dangerously close to where the waves keep crashing forward again and again.

your heartbeat stops because you know those clothes, you would recognise those clothes anywhere. you run towards them so fast you nearly fall, the rain lashing against your face while your shoes sink into the wet sand, your breathing already breaking apart before you even reach them.

“no, please no, it- it can’t be”

your hands shake as you drop to your knees beside the pile and when you touch the dark fabric, your entire body goes cold. it’s seungmin’s jacket, you had seen him wear it a hundred times before, you had even worn it sometimes, when you went out and it was cold and you didn’t bring a jacket with you. 

your fingers tremble harder as you grab it desperately, turning it over quickly until you find something heavy in the pocket - his phone. you pull it out and press the button with shaking hands, but nothing, it’s turned off.

“no…”, you say, the word barely leaving your mouth now.

you look around wildly, the shore, the rocks, but nothing, no one’s there.

“seungmin!”

the waves crash harder against the shore and you stand up too fast, almost stumbling while panic explodes completely inside your chest now, you feel like you’re gonna faint any minute now. you bring his jacket to your chest and your fingers clutch it so tightly your knuckles ache.

“kim seungmin!”

nothing, only thunder and rain, only the sea destroying itself in front of you. and then, your eyes move towards the water, towards the dark ocean stretching beneath the storm, and you feel the air leaving your lungs because your mind finally says the thing you had been trying not to think.

“no…”

your voice breaks and the jacket slips from your fingers, falling back onto the sand beside his phone. then you start running, straight towards the ocean. you don’t even think or stop to breathe, you don’t even take your shoes off. you just run into the freezing water while screaming his name, your voice completely destroyed by panic now.

“seungmin!”

the waves crash against your legs immediately, soaking you further while the storm roars overhead.

“seungmin!”

you keep moving deeper, the water pushing hard against your body, but you’re so out of it that you barely feel it. you’re crying now, but you don’t realise that either. you only notice when your screams start breaking apart completely.

“please! seungmin!”

thunder cracks violently across the sky and the rain falls harder now. your chest hurts so much you think you might collapse right there into the ocean.

“kim seungmin!”

and then, somewhere behind you-

“y/n!”

your entire body jerks and you turn so fast you nearly lose balance in the water. and there, on the sand-

seungmin.

running towards you. 

your breath leaves your lungs so sharp it hurts and you see him, sprinting across the sand desperately, completely soaked from the rain, his face pale with terror as he screams your name again. 

“y/n!”

you start sobbing because he’s there, he’s there and alive and well. you see something fall from his hands onto the sand while he runs towards you, but you don’t care enough to wonder what it is because the only thing your body understands now is him.

“seungmin!”

you start running towards him too, the water fighting against your legs while your vision blurs from your tears and the rain, but none of it matters because he keeps getting closer to you, closer and closer, until finally-

you crash into him so hard you almost both fall.

seungmin catches you immediately with a broken sound leaving his throat, his arms wrapping around you desperately while your hands grab fistfuls of his soaked t-shirt like you’re terrified something will happen to him if you let go.

“oh my god, seungmin-”

you can’t breathe, you can’t think, you just hold onto him while your body shakes against his. 

“what were you doing?”, he sobs into you, “y/n? what were you thinking?”

he’s crying just like you, but you pull back just enough to push at his chest desperately, while you start sobbing harder.

“i was looking for you!”, your voice cracks as you say those words, “i thought something had happened to you”

seungmin stares at you breathlessly, the rain dripping down his face while panic still fills his eyes too.

“i-i went to your lodge and you weren’t there… and then i kept calling you but you never answered and then i came here and i… you… i saw your jacket… you left it here with your phone and i thought-”, a sob interrupts you violently, “i thought-”

you can’t even say it, and your breathing becomes uneven as you try to push the words out, but you can’t, your sharp panicked gasps won’t fully reach your lungs while your tears mix with the rain on your face.

“seungmin, i couldn’t find you”, you cry, “i called you so many times and you didn’t answer and i thought you-”

“hey, hey-”, seungmin says as he grabs you face, “hey, y/n breathe”

but you just can’t, everything is too much right now.

“you scared me!”, you nearly scream at him now, your voice completely shattered, “you scared me so bad-”

and then seungmin pulls you against him again, one of his hands pressing against the back of your head while the other wraps tightly around your waist, holding you so close you can barely breathe through the crushing relief of it.

“i’m here”, he says shakily against your wet hair, “i’m here, baby, i’m here”

the nickname destroys you further and you break down against his chest. your fingers clutch the back of his t-shirt while thunder shakes the sky again above you, but this time you don't care because he’s here, he’s here with you. seungmin keeps holding your head against his chest while you cry uncontrollably, his own tears falling down his face too.

“i’m sorry”, he whispers, his voice broken just like yours, “i’m so sorry, baby”

you shake your head against his chest, unable to stop crying. your body still trembles from fear and adrenaline while he keeps one hand protectively around your head like he’s trying to shield you from the entire storm itself, and when you cling to him harder, he holds you even closer. 

you stand there in the middle of the storm, shaking in each other’s arms while the rain pours over both of you, and every time your grip loosens even slightly, his arms tighten around you, bringing you closer.

thunder cracks above the ocean again and suddenly everything inside you finally breaks. a sob tears out of your chest so violently it almost folds you in half and seungmin immediately pulls back just enough to look at you.

“baby-”

“I’m exhausted”, you cry, you face crumpling while your tears keep falling faster than you can breathe through them, “i’m so fucking tired, seungmin…”, he opens his mouth to speak but you just shake your head, “i can’t do this anymore. i can’t keep hurting you and myself and everyone around us and i-”

“hey-”

“i’m sorry”, you say, “i’m so sorry”, rainwater runs down both of your face while the storm screams around you, “i’m sorry i made you cry and for every second you spent thinking i didn’t love you anymore because i do, oh god i love you so much seungmin-”, your voice breaks and you struggle to push the next words out but you do it anyway, because you need to, “i never stopped loving you, seungmin”

his face changes when you say that, like something inside him physically aches hearing that, and then your hands grab onto his soaked t-shirt harder.

“i tried-”, you whisper through sobs, “i tried to move on and i would just tell myself that we could be friends, have a good memory of us. and then chan was there and i was confused because you were there too but you weren’t actually there and i don’t know-”, you shake your head desperately, knowing you’re not making any sense, “but every time something happened, every time i laughed or smiled or wanted to talk to someone or wanted to be with someone, i kept looking for you. every single time”, you look at him, his eyes red and his tears still falling, “you’re still the person i look for first”

the storm crashes violently behind you, the waves breaking against the shore as the wind screams through the air, but seungmin just stands there, looking at you like the whole world stopped moving entirely.

“i love you, seungmin”, you sob finally, the words leaving your mouth like they’ve been trapped there since the moment you two broke up, “i love you so much and i never stopped and i’ve been trying to survive without you this whole time instead of actually living”

seungmin closes his eyes and you start crying harder, if that’s even possible at this point.

“and… maybe i ruined everything”, you whisper brokenly, “maybe i messed this up too much and maybe you hate me now for getting close to chan and maybe you don’t even want me anymore and i honestly would understand if you didn’t because i hurt you so much and i-”

“stop”, he says as he grabs your face firmly with both of his hands, like he needs you to really look at him and understand what he’s gonna say, “don’t say that again, you hear me?”

his voice breaks apart halfway through the sentence and rain rips from his hair onto his cheeks while his eyes search yours.

“there is nothing”, he says shakily, “nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you, do you hear me?”, his thumb trembles against your skin, “you are the love of my life”

the words destroy whatever was left of you and fresh tears spill down your cheeks immediately.

“i tried to survive without you too”, he continues, his voice barely a whisper now, “and it was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me”, he shakes his head, his eyes burning as he looks at you, “when we broke up, i thought i was doing the right thing. i thought that maybe if i let you go, you’d become happy again”, a broken laugh leaves him and his forehead drops against yours, “but every single day without you felt wrong. i kept reaching for my phone to text you and i kept seeing things and wanting to tell you everything i did”, his breathing shudders, “i kept loving you even when i was trying not to”

you sob softly at that and he continues. 

“and then you told me about this show and suddenly you were there again”, he whispers, “and i had to pretend not to know you while watching someone else stand where i used to stand”, pain flashes across his face, “and it killed me”, your hands slide shakily up his arms, “y/n, there was never gonna be anyone else for me after you”

the storm crashes louder overhead and lightning flashes across the ocean, and seungmin looks at you like he’s terrified that this moment isn’t real, that he’s gone mad and he’s just imagining everything.

“i need you”, he whispers, “i love you so fucking much”

you face breaks again, “i need you too”, you cry softly, “i love you too, seungmin, so so much”

something inside him snaps at those words and you see it happen, right there in his eyes - the fear, the grief, the longing, the love he’s been holding back for too long. and then he pulls you closer to him and finally kisses you.

the entire world breaks open with it.

the kiss is desperate immediately, like both of you are trying to make up for every second you’ve spent apart. his hands hold your face as your fingers clutch his soaked t-shirt again, pulling him impossibly closer as sobs still shake through both of you between kisses.

the rain pours down around you, the thunder roars above the ocean, but none of it compares to this, to him. his lips are warm despite the cold rain, familiar despite all the time apart, and the moment you kiss him back fully, seungmin breaks completely against you.

he kisses you harder, like he’s been dying for this, like he’s been surviving on memories of you for too long. your hands slide shakily into his wet hair while he pulls your body flush against his, and then, every almost kiss, every longing glance, every sleepless night, every text, every moment of yearning and jealousy crashes into this single moment all at once.

this.

this is what all the pain had been leading to.

and beneath the storm, with the ocean raging beside you and the rain soaking through your clothes and the thunder splitting the sky apart above your heads, you find your way back to each other at last. 

you pull away just enough to breathe but neither of you really lets go. your foreheads stay pressed together, both of you breathless and shaking and smiling in disbelief at the exact same time. he laughs softly at first, overwhelmed but happy, and just hearing him makes you start laughing too.

“god, i love you so much”, he whispers, smiling so hard it almost looks painful.

“i love you too”, you say back.

he lets out another breathless laugh before leaning forward to steal another kiss from you. then another one right after because apparently neither of you can stop anymore.

“you have no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that again”, he murmurs against your lips.

“i think i do”, you whisper.

he kisses you once more after that and then a cold gust of wind hits both of you at once and you shiver hard enough for him to notice immediately, and then he pulls back, his eyes widening.

“y/n”, he says, looking at you properly now, “you’re freezing”

you laugh weakly, “so are you”

your clothes are completely drenched from both the rain and the ocean, your shoes squelching against the wet sand every time you move. seungmin grabs your hand and intertwines his fingers with yours, and then turns around to start walking, leading you away from the shore.

“come on”

you smile at him, letting him pull you along, “where are we going?”

he just turns back towards you with that smile again, that soft impossible smile you thought you had lost forever.

seungmin fumbles blindly for the door lock while kissing you and you laugh against his mouth when he misses the lock entirely for the eighth time.

“i think you’re a bit distracted”, you whisper teasing him.

“you think?”, he says against your lips before he kisses you again. 

he presses you back against the door you had crossed a hundred times before, his parent’s house’s door, the same place you always went to whenever you were in jeju. thank god it’s close to the place you were. 

your back presses against the door again as he finally manages to unlock it, but even then he doesn’t pull away from you. his body stays close to yours, trapping you between him and the door while his lips keep moving against yours like he’s starving for it, like he’s trying to make up for every moment he spent without you.

your fingers slide into his wet hair and he lets out the softest sound against your mouth at the feeling. you stumble inside together, half laughing, half kissing,soaked from head to toe while the storm rages outside and then close the door behind you.

seungmin grabs your waist and turns you quickly, pressing you against the wall near the entrance before kissing you again, harder and needier this time. his hands slide along your soaked body carefully and desperately at the same time, like he can’t believe he’s allowed to touch you like this again, and maybe you can’t believe it either, because every time the kiss breaks, even for a second, both of you just end up smiling at each other before kissing again.

you laugh when he kisses the corner of your mouth and he smiles against your lips and then he kisses you again and again.

“god”, he whispers between kisses, his forehead falling against yours, “i missed you so much”

“i missed you too”, you whisper.

then he kisses you like hearing those words nearly destroy him again and everything else disappears, it’s only you and him there. it all feels impossibly far away now compared to the way seungmin is holding you.

your hands grip his shoulders while he slowly walks you backwards through the familiar hallway, both of you still kissing and laughing whenever you bump into something.

“careful”, you laugh breathlessly.

“i’m trying”, he says, clearly not trying at all, his entire focus on your lips.

you finally reach his room and when you close the door, he pulls you close again immediately. his lips move slower now against yours, much deeper. you reach for the hem of his soaked t-shirt, trying to pull it off him, but the fabric clings stubbornly to his skin from the rain.

“wait-”, you groan between laughs, “let me just-”

seungmin laughs too, breathless and beautiful, while trying to peel your wet hoodie from your body, but there’s no use.

“this is actually ridiculous”, he says laughing.

you start laughing again with him and he moves to capture your lips again in another kiss. then he pulls away and looks at you and you blink and look up at him, his face undoing you.

the rainwater still drips from his dark hair onto his cheeks, his lips swollen from kissing you, his hands are warm against your waist despite the cold, and he’s just standing there, looking at you with so much emotion inside his eyes - love, relief, adoration, want.

you touch his face, “what?”

seungmin shakes his head like he doesn’t even know where to start.

“nothing, i’m just…”, he lets out a shaky laugh, “i’m really happy right now”

you smile again, “me too”

he keeps looking at you and then the smile fades slowly from his lips and his hands slide carefully along your waist while his gaze drops to your mouth and when he kisses you again, it’s full of everything he had been holding back. you tug at his t-shirt again, determined this time, and he breaks the kiss just long enough to let you pull it over his head with his help.

the fabric falls to the floor with a wet sound, and then you stay there, just looking at him, but you don’t realise you’re staring until he laughs softly and reaches out to brush a strand of wet hair from your face. 

“your turn”, he says.

he helps you peel your hoodie off and when your skin meets the cool air of the room, you shiver, but then his hands are on your waist, pulling you close, and the warmth of his palms against your bare skin makes you forget the chill entirely. his eyes travel from your face down to your neck, your collarbones, the curve of your breasts still hidden beneath your bra.

“you’re so beautiful, y/n”, he says.

you feel heat rise to your cheeks but you don’t look away, instead, you reach for the button of his jeans, your fingers bruising against his stomach, and he inhales sharply. he mirrors your actions, his hands finding your shorts, and together you work each other out of the remaining clothes until there’s nothing left but skin against skin.

he steps back for just a second, just to take you in. his lips part, his eyes darken and you see the exact moment his heart overflows because he steps forward again and cups your face in both of his hands, kissing you like he’s breathing for the first time.

“i can’t believe you’re here”, he says against your lips, his voice breaking.

“i’m here, seungmin, i’m here”, you say and you kiss him again to prove it.

he walks you backwards, his hands never leaving your body. the back of your knees hit the edge of the bed and you sink onto it, pulling him down with you so he follows you, his body covering yours. he props himself up on one elbow, looking down at you. his hair is still damp, falling across his forehead, and his lips are swollen from kissing you.

“i though about this so many times”, he says, “i thought about you, me, us, this”, he swallows, “i didn’t think it would ever happen again”

you reach up and touch his cheek, “i’m here now”, you say again.

he lowers his head and kisses you again. his tongue slides against yours and you sigh into his mouth, your arms wrapping around his neck. his hand drifts down, touching your collarbone, your breasts, your ribs, leaving a trail of fire in its wake. he kisses his way along your jaw, down your throat, and you tilt your head back to give him more space, a soft moan escaping your lips when he finds the sensitive spot below your ear, the spot he knows all too well. 

“seungmin…”, you moan, and the sound of his name on your lips makes him groan against your skin.

his mouth travels lower, pressing open-mouthed kisses along your collarbone and the swell of your chest. he takes his time there and when his lips finally move to your breast and close around your nipple, your back arches off the bed as a broken scream leaves your mouth. he flicks his tongue over your nipple and then sucks gently, and your fingers tangle in his hair, holding him there.

“god”, you gasp, “i- i need you”

he lifts his head to look at you, his eyes dark and full of want.

“i need you too”, his voice is rough, desperate.

his hand slides down your stomach and then his fingers brush against the heat between your legs and your breath catches. he’s slow and deliberate, tracing your folds with the lightest touch, watching your face trying to memorise every single of your reactions to him. you whimper, your hips shifting towards his hand and he just smiles at you.

he circles your clit with his thumb and you moan again, your hands gripping his shoulders. then he slides one finger inside you, slow and deep, and you cry out, your head falling back against the pillow.

“seungmin- ah-”

“shh”, he whispers, leaning down to kiss you again, swallowing your moans, “i’ve got you, baby”

he moves his finger in and out, curling it just right, and you buck against his hand already so close to the edge, but you want more, you want him.

your hand finds his cock, already hard and heavy against your thigh, and you wrap your fingers around him, stroking him slowly. he gasps into your mouth, his hips jerking forward, and you feel him pulse in your grip.

“fuck”, he moans, his forehead dropping to yours as he looks at you, “you’re gonna make me lose my mind”

you smile, your thumb brushing over the tip, “good”

he pulls his finger out of you and you groan at the loss. he catches your hand, stopping it, and looks down at you with such raw emotion that it makes your chest ache.

“i need you”, he says, his voice already on the edge, “i- i need you right now. but i need to know, are you sure?”, he searches your eyes, vulnerable and open, “because i don’t think i can come back from this again. i want it to be us, forever this time”

your eyes sting again but you smile, reaching up to trace his bottom lip with your thumb.

“i’m sure”, you whisper, “i love you, seungmin. i never stopped and i never will”

something breaks inside him and he kisses you fiercely, desperately, before pulling back just enough to position himself at your entrance. the head of his cock presses against your folds and then, he pushes in slowly, stretching you, filling you, and you both let out a shuddering breath at the feeling of being connected again after all this time.

your eyes lock and for a long moment, neither of you moves. he’s buried deep inside you, his body flush against yours, and you feel so complete it’s almost overwhelming.

“i love you too, y/n”, he says, his voice breaking, “i love you so so much”

he begins to move, deep and unhurried strokes that rock your body with each thrust. his hips roll against yours and you wrap your legs around his waist, pulling him deeper and then he buries his face in your neck, his breath hot against your skin.

it’s not frantic, it’s not just sex. it’s him telling you with his body everything he can’t quite put into words right now - that he missed you, that he’s sorry, that he never wants to let you go again, that he’s going to love you forever. and you answer him with your hands in his hair, your lips on his shoulder, your sighs and whimpers singing back to him. 

you don’t realise you’re crying again until you feel your tears rolling down your face. they slip from the corners of your eyes, silent and warm, and when they touch seungmin’s skin, he freezes, panic flashing across his face.

“wait, y/n- did- oh god, did i hurt you?”, he stops and pulls back, searching your face, his hands on your cheeks, “baby, tell me-”

“no”, you say, laughing through the tears, “no, i’m happy, seungmin, i promise you. i’m just- i’m so happy. i love you. i need you. please don’t stop”

his eyes glisten and you see him swallow hard, a muscle moving in his jaw. he blinks then and you know he’s fighting tears of his own again.

“i love you”, he says again, “i love you, i love you”

he kisses you again and when he starts moving, it’s even more tender, if that’s even possible. he interlocks his fingers with yours, pressing your hands into the mattress on either side of your head. every thrust is deep and slow, hitting that perfect spot inside you, and the pleasure builds like a wave, gentle at first, then growing more and more. 

your moans grow louder, more desperate and he matches your rhythm, his forehead pressed to yours, his breath mingling with yours. 

“come for me”, he says, almost begging you, “let go, baby. i’ve got you”

you’re so close, the tension coiling tight in your stomach, and when he grinds his hips against yours again, you finally shatter. your orgasm rolls through you in waves, your body arching as you cry out, but it’s swallowed by his kiss. he follows moments later, his hips stuttering as he spills inside you, his groan muffled against your lips. 

he collapses against you and you hold each other, shaking and breathless. the rain continues outside, but inside this room, there’s only the sound of your breathing together and the steady beat of his heart against yours. after a long moment, he lift his head, his eyes red rimmed but soft.

“hi”, he whispers, smiling softly at you.

you smile, brushing his hair back from his forehead, “hi”

he kisses your nose, your lips and then your forehead before he rests his forehead against yours.

“i’m never letting you go again”, he says, “i mean it”

“you better not”, you tease him, but he can hear the emotion in your voice. 

he laughs and pulls you closer, burying his face in your neck. you wrap your arms around him, your fingers tracing idle patterns on his back, and then slowly, without realising, you both fall asleep together.

your eyes open lazily and for a few seconds, you just stay still, your cheek resting against seungmin’s chest while his arms remain wrapped around your waist even in your sleep. at some point, he had rolled onto his back and pulled you with him until you were half laying on top of him, like even asleep he needed you close.

you tilt your head to look at him, to see his messy hair against the pillow and his lips parted slightly in his sleep. he looks so peaceful that something inside your chest warms at the sight. 

carefully, trying not to wake him, you lift yourself from his chest but his arm tightens around your waist instinctively, making you smile.

“shh, it’s okay, i’m here, minnie”, you whisper.

he relaxes again after that, so you move slowly off the bed and shiver a little at the cold against your skin. your clothes are still abandoned somewhere on the floor, still damp from the rain and the ocean, and you laugh quietly under your breath before walking towards the wardrobe. 

when you open it, memories hit you instantly - some of his clothes are hanging there, and yours too, the clothes that you left the last time you came here, and it’s like a part of you had always been waiting there for you to come back. 

you put on some fresh underwear and one of seungmin’s t-shirts, the fabric smelling like him, like home. you turn back towards the bed and see he’s still asleep exactly where you left him. you walk closer to him and brush your fingers through his hair gently before leaning down and kissing his forehead. his brows twitch a little and a tiny sleepy sound escapes his lips. your heart melts completely at that.

“i love you”, you whisper against his forehead.

you quietly leave the room and walk towards the kitchen, your eyes moving towards the clock on the wall the moment you get there and you see that you had only slept for a little over an hour. you move around the kitchen, opening cupboards and the frigde while trying to figure out if there’s anything you can make. but there’s barely anything there, you only see a few drinks and some snacks.

“looking for something?”

you jump so hard you almost break the fridge door when you close it. a gasp leaves you as strong arms wrap around your waist from behind.

“oh my god, seungmin-”

he laughs quietly against your neck while pulling you back against his chest.

“you scared me, you idiot”

“oh please, don’t be such a baby”

“you nearly killed me”

he hums distractedly against your skin before kissing the side of your neck, then again, and then one more time. 

you can already hear the smile in his voice when he asks you, “what are you doing?”

you try to answer but his lips keep brushing against your neck while his hands slide slowly along your waist beneath his t-shirt.

“i was trying to-”

he kisses your jaw.

“find some food-”

another kiss.

“but apparently you won’t let me speak-”

before you can even finish, he turns you around until your back presses against the counter and then he kisses your lips. your hands slide into his hair while his body settles between your legs, like you still fit together perfectly even after everything.

“seungmin”, you mumble against his lips, trying really hard not to laugh.

“hm?”

“are you gonna let me explain or not?”

“no”

you laugh at his immediate answer. he lifts you onto the kitchen counter and steps closer between your knees before kissing you again and you smile against his lips helplessly. he’s only wearing his boxers now, his hair still messy from sleep and his lips swollen from kissing you too much. 

he breaks the kiss and presses his forehead against yours, and puts his hands on your thighs, warm and soft against your skin. then he pulls back a bit, his face a bit more careful now.

“do you regret this?”

your heart hurts at the nervous tone on his voice and you grab his face between your hands.

“no, i don’t”, you say, not even a second of hesitation, “i don’t regret any of this”

his eyes closes briefly and then he nods his head before he opens them, “good, because i don’t either”

emotion rises in your chest and you look down before speaking again.

“i’m still sorry though”

his brows pull together, “for what?”

“for everything”, you say as your fingers twist together, “for the show, for chan, for hurting you”

“hey”, he says softly.

you look up at him again.

“i mean it”, you continue, “i hate that i made you doubt yourself, minnie. i hate that i made you feel like you were losing me”

seungmin’s face breaks a little at that, “it’s not entirely your fault, i did that too”

you shake your head but he just brushes his thumb softly against your thigh.

“no”, he says, “let me say this too”, his voice stays calm as he speaks, “when we broke up… i thought i was doing the right thing, that it was the best for you. i thought that i had to let you go because things got hard, but that’s not what love is”, he whispers, “i should’ve stayed, i should’ve fought harder for us”

your eyes burn instantly, “that’s my fault too, i should’ve fought harder for us too”

“but we’re here now”, he says softly, “and if you still want me after all this…”, he smiles then, “i wanna do this right this time”

your chest aches painfully, but it’s not the same pain you’ve had since you started the show, it’s a different kind of pain, beautiful even.

“me too, minnie”

you slide your arms around his neck while he moves closer again, his forehead against yours once more.

“we can’t lose ourselves again”, you say.

“we won’t”, he says, “and if we do, the other one has to find us”

you look at him, your eyes shining as you nod your head, “deal”

he smiles at you and then kisses you again, both of you smiling against your lips.

“i’m so in love with you, seungmin”, you whisper.

he laughs quietly, almost overwhelmed by it.

“good”, he says against your mouth, “because i’m ridiculously in love with you too, y/n”

you laugh again and then you hear his stomach growling loudly between you and you both burst into laughter. seungmin groans and buries his face against your shoulder.

“oh my god, minnie, you’re starving”

“mhm, i am”

you laugh harder, brushing your fingers through his hair while he keeps holding you close.

“i was trying to find food when you came here”, you tell him, “but there’s basically… nothing”

he hums thoughtfully against your neck and then lifts his head again, a mischievous look in his eyes, dangerously familiar.

“well”, he says casually, his hands sliding slowly along your thighs, “if there’s no food here, i think we could entertain ourselves with something else…”

your breath catches and then you laugh, shaking your head while he grins against your lips before kissing you again and biting your lower lip jokingly. before you can even tease him properly, he lifts you off the counter into his arms and you laugh in surprise, your arms wrapping around his shoulders while he kisses you again walking towards his room.

“seungmin-”

“what?”

“you’re impossible”

“yeah”, he says easily, “but you love me”

you smile helplessly against his mouth, “i really do”

he carries you back into his room while kissing you between your laughter and whispered i love yous, and when you close the door behind you once more, the rest of the world disappears completely again.

“well”, you say, standing outside the door of your lodge, “you should probably go before someone sees us”

“mmhm”, seungmin hums absentmindedly, clearly not listening at all because his eyes are fixed on your lips again.

you laugh quietly, “seungmin”

“what?”

“you have to go”

“but i don’t want to”

you roll your eyes affectionately while he steals another kiss anyway, one of his hands sliding around your waist to pull you closer to him.

“you’re unbelievable”, you mumble against his lips as you laugh again.

your laugh gets swallowed by his mouth when he kisses you again, the kiss dangerously addictive, because neither of you is trying to hold back anymore. when he pulses away, your lips are tingling and your heartbeat feels like it will escape your chest at any minute now.

“it’s almost midnight”, you whisper weakly, even though your hands are still gripping the front of his hoodie, because you don’t want him to leave either. 

“okay”, he says, then kisses you again.

“seungmin!”

“what? i’m saying good night”

“this is like your… tenth good night”

“and it’s still not enough”

his voice is teasing, but there’s something softer underneath it too, something that makes your chest ache in a good way. 

tomorrow is the final choice day, and the thought hangs quietly between you both for a second, but right now, under the porch light with both of his hands on your waist now and his smile pressed into your skin, none of it feels scary anymore.

“i’ll see you tomorrow”, you whisper.

a small smile spreads across his face, fond and almost disbelieving, like he still can’t fully process that you’re here, choosing him back, together again.

“yeah”, he says.

then he presses one last kiss to the corner of your mouth before finally stepping away from you and you have to say you miss his warmth immediately.

“there”, you say, pointing towards the path behind him, “go little puppy”

he sighs dramatically but obeys, slowly walking backwards down the path while still holding onto your hand for as long as possible.

“you’re being clingy today”, you tell him. 

“you love it”, he says, and unfortunately, he’s right.

you laugh softly as your fingers finally slip apart.

“good night, minnie”

“good night, baby”

you shake your head and then turn towards the door, ready to type the code into the lock while you try to ignore the stupid smile pulling at your mouth. but before you get the chance to-

“y/n”

you turn around and seungmin is back in front of you again. you don’t get the chance to ask what happened before he grabs your face gently and kisses you one more time, like he just needed this one more moment with you before he left for the night. just one more reminder, one more chance to love you before the night ended.

your fingers curl weakly into his hoodie as he kisses you and when he pulls away, both of you are smiling helplessly again.

“i love you”, he says, resting his forehead against yours.

“i love you too”, you say as your heart melts completely.

then, he steps away again and this time he actually leaves. you stand there, watching him disappear down the path with your lips swollen from kissing him and your entire chest warm unbearably before you finally turn back towards the door and type the code. you walk inside the lodge and close the door, and god, every time you think about the way he looked at you today, your stomach flips all over again.

you bite back a smile to yourself as you start walking down the hallway towards the stairs, trying not to make too much noise. you’re halfway there when-

“well, look who finally came home”

you jump so hard you almost scream. your head snaps towards the kitchen and you find lily sitting there in one of the chairs, illuminated only by the small lamp above the stove. she’s holding a mug in both hands while she watches you with the most knowing expression you’ve ever seen.

“oh my god, lily! you scared me”

she bursts out laughing, “you’re being dramatic”

you walk towards her, unable to stop smiling. the happiness inside you feels too big now, too impossible to hide, and lily notices it.

“where were you all day?”

you bite your lip and then pull out the chair beside her and sit down, trying and failing to hide your smile. 

“i was with seungmin”

“oh my god”, she gasps.

you laugh, looking down at your hands.

“oh my god!”, she repeats, grabbing your arm now, “tell me everything right now”

you laugh harder, shaking your head.

“there’s not that much to tell-”

“liar”

you cover your face with both hands as you laugh and lily gasps again.

“you got back together, didn’t you?”

your heart stumbles at the words.

back together.

it feels unreal hearing it out loud.

slowly, you lower your hands and look at her before you nod your head.

“i knew it!”

you laugh harder as she hugs you tightly from the side.

“i knew it, i knew it, i knew it, i knew it”, she keeps saying.

you laugh against her shoulder, suddenly emotional all over again, because after everything you had been through - all the confusion, the pain, the fear, the heartbreak - you found your way back to him.

lily pulls back to look at you properly now, her eyes softer, not joking this time.

“are you okay?”

you nod your head, “yeah, i’m okay”

lily smiles at you so warmly it nearly makes you cry again, “were you with him this whole time?”

your face heats up, “yes”

“and how is he?”

your smile grows again, “he’s good. we talked, a lot. i went to his lodge and he wasn’t there, then i went to the beach and he was there and from there we went to his parents’ house and just.. talked”

lily watches you while you continue.

“and i talked to chan too, when i went to the lodge”

that makes her expression change, “oh, and how did that go?”

you exhale softly.

“he apologised”, you tell her, “and i apologised too”, you look down before continuing, “we just… understood each other, i guess”

lily nods slowly, “and now?”

you smile before you can stop yourself, feeling relieved, “and now it’s done”

chan had let go and you had finally stopped running in circles and had run towards seungmin instead. 

lily reaches over and squeezes your hand, “y/n i’m really happy for you”

you look at her and you know she really means it.

“i couldn’t have done this without you”

lily shakes her head, “yes, you could have”

“no”, you laugh weakly, “seriously lily”, you squeeze her hand back, “you were there when i completely lost my mind and you stayed with me through everything”

lily smiles softly now, “that’s what friends are for”

friends.

your chest aches warmly, because this show gave you heartbreak and confusion and pain and exhaustion. but it also gave you her, and somehow you know lily is going to stay in your life long after all of this ends.  

you stand up then, exhausted now that the adrenaline is fading.

“okay, i’m gonna shower and sleep for… i don’t know, one year, i think”

lily snorts, “yeah, good idea”

you laugh again and start walking towards the stairs but just before you disappear-

“hey, y/n?”

you turn around and see lily trying very hard not to smile.

“what?”

she lifts one brow innocently, “so… seungmin and you… were you just talking or should i assume that seungmin’s parents are gonna need new sheets?”

“lily!”

you stare at her in horror while your face burns so hot you think you might actually die. she’s bent over laughing now while you now cover your face with both of your hands. 

“o- oh my god, lily. you’re insane!”

“do they prefer dark ones or lighter ones?”

you’re laughing so hard now you can barely breathe and lily keeps laughing from the kitchen. you turn around and hurry upstairs while she keeps screaming after you, and you can still hear her, even when you finally reach your room with your cheeks hurting from smiling too much.

the next morning, you wake up to the sound of voices downstairs, not angry voices or people fighting, just being loud, very loud. you stay in your bed for a few seconds, blinking sleep out of your eyes while the sunlight slips through the glass of the window, the storm long gone now.

every time you move, memories from yesterday flash through you all over again - seungmin’s hand on your body, his lips on yours, his voice in your ear, his body becoming one with yours.

“oh my god”, you mumble to yourself as you bite your lip, burying your face into the pillow for one second before another loud laugh echoes from downstairs. 

han and lily.

you groan softly before finally dragging yourself out of bed. you throw on an oversized hoodie you took from seungmin yesterday and walk downstairs, still half asleep, rubbing one of your eyes as the voices grow louder the closer you get to the kitchen and you stop the moment you see han and lily arguing over breakfast.

“i want this one”, lily says.

“no, i want this one”, han says, trying to take the plate away from her, but lily is faster and moves away from him.

you stare at them for a second before speaking, “do you two actually remember there are other people living in this house, right?”

both of them turn to look at you and han jumps slightly, “oh shit, sorry, y/n”

“oh don’t apologise”, she says, waving him off casually before looking directly at you with a grin, “she got some yesterday”

you freeze and han’s eyes widen.

“wait what?”, he asks.

“lily!”

“yeah, with seungmin”, she says.

you let out the loudest groan imaginable while han nearly chokes laughing.

“no way”, he says, staring at you in complete disbelief, “no actual way”

“oh my god”, you mumble, covering your face with your hands, “i hate both of you”

lily looks delighted with herself and han is laughing so hard now he has to grab the counter.

“this is better than a movie, i love this”, he says laughing.

you move and throw a napkin at him but he dodges it easily, surprisingly you have to say. 

“but y/n…”, lily says, smirking and you already know where this is going.

“no”

“i’m not gonna ask for details”, she says, “i’m just asking for a number”

“lily!”

han loses it again, “a number?”, he repeats, laughing.

“yes”, lily says seriously, “one to ten. you broke up a long time ago, a lot of orgasms were lost along the way, he has to make up for lost time”

you hide your face in your hands again while both of them laugh harder.

“that’s it, i’m leaving”, you mumble.

“no, you’re not”, han says, walking towards you and pulling you towards the table, “sit down and suffer with us”

lily slides a plate towards you with the brightest smile imaginable, “you’re welcome by the way”

you glare at her while sitting down and she only grins wider. the three of you continue laughing and teasing each other while you eat breakfast together, but then, you realise something.

“wait”, you say, looking around, “where’s minho?”

lily goes quiet and you and han look at her as she tries to act casual, “he got the text earlier”

your stomach flips softly, “the final choice?”

she nods her head and you and han exchange one quick look because you both understand what’s happening beneath her calm expression.

she’s terrified.

lily laughs nervously after a second, “it’s stupid, right? i know it’s stupid”

“it’s not stupid, lily”, you say and han nods his head.

she presses her lips together, “but what if-”

“he’s gonna choose you”, han says before she can even finish.

the certainty in his voice makes all of you pause. lily looks at him and there’s something so soft in han’s expression when he looks back at her, no bitterness or regret, just affection for her, for everything they were.

“you really think so?”, she asks him.

“yeah”, he says, “he would be stupid not to”

your heart aches a little at the sight of them, because this is what loving someone could look like too, even after everything has ended. 

lily’s eyes get suspiciously shiny and she quickly looks away right as her phone vibrates loudly. she grabs it immediately and then her entire face changes.

“oh my god”

you grin, “go and get your man”

han laughs as she stands up, “but breathe first, lily, come on”

“i can’t!”, she says, her voice almost screaming, and she’s already rushing towards the hallway before turning back around, “how do i look?”

“beautiful”, you and han answer at the same time.

she grabs her bag and then rushes back towards you, hugging you tightly first, then han, and then she’s gone, the front door slamming shut behind her.

“she really likes him”, han says as he leans back in his chair with a small smile.

“yeah, she really does”, you say and then you turn to look at him, “you’re really sweet you know that? you know, the way you support her like this…”

he shrugs softly, looking down at his cup for a second.

“she’s a great girl and we were together a long time ago. i just…”, he exhales softly, “i just want her to be happy, and minho is a great guy”

you nod your head, “yeah, i think so too”

he nods his head too and then looks at you, “but it’s actually tragic, though”

“what is?”

“that you were still so into seungmin”, he says and you burst out laughing because you know he’s joking, “and then chan happened… i think we could’ve been perfect, our love for cheesecakes is our bond”

you laugh harder and throw another napkin at him, this time hitting his face directly.

“okay, yeah, this is violence”, he says, laughing now too.

“you deserve worse”

the two of you continue joking around while cleaning the kitchen together afterwards, the morning feeling strangely peaceful despite everything waiting for all of you later today.

the final choice, the end of the show.

you try not to think about it too much but eventually both of you go to your rooms to get ready anyway. and an hour later, just as you’re finishing getting dressed, your phone vibrates and you already know what it is before you look at it. 

exchange: please arrive at the following address in 15 minutes

it’s time. 

you go downstairs and find han in the living room, and the moment he sees you, his face softens, because he already knows, you don’t even need to say anything.

a small and nervous smile appears on your face and han lets out a quiet breath through his nose before he opens his arms for you.

“come here”

you laugh softly, feeling emotional already, and then walk straight into his hug. he wraps his arms around you tightly and you just stay there holding onto him.

“you okay?”, he asks you.

you nod against his shoulder, “yeah, i think so”

he pulls away to look at you and then smiles, “good, you deserve to be happy”, he then fixes a strand of hair away from your face and speaks again, “good luck, okay?”

your throat tightens and you nod your head, “thank you”

he knows those two words carry everything inside them - thank you for staying, thank you for helping me survive this, thank you for being my friend, thank you for not giving up. han understands all of it without you saying any of it out loud and then nods his head and squeezes your shoulders gently before letting you go.

“now go”, he says, “before i get emotional too”

you laugh again and finally leave the lodge. the sky is quiet after yesterday’s storm and the streets are almost empty and the closer you get to the address they sent you, the louder your heartbeat becomes. it’s nearby, just a few streets away from the lodges and when you finally arrive, you stop completely.

it’s a house, beautiful in a strangely intimate way. you walk towards it and find the front door already unlocked, clearly waiting for you. you push it open and step inside, and when you do, a screen lights up in front of you and a simple message appears. 

exchange: please go to the room with the white door

your breathing grows uneven immediately, your nerves getting worse by the minute, and you walk through the hallway until you finally find it.

the white door.

your hand hesitates a bit over the handle before you finally push it open and when you step inside, everything inside you breaks apart quietly.

the room is full of memories, it’s full of your photos, everywhere - they are pinned to the walls, hanging from strings with little lights around them, spread across tables. there are polaroids of seungmin and you, printed pictures, old phone photos, photos from years ago, your entire relationship stretched around the room.

you stop moving completely and your eyes start burning.

“oh my god…”

there’s a picture of you both at the beach years ago, seungmin holding you over his shoulder while you scream laughing. there’s another one of him asleep on your lap during a road trip with your friends. once where both of you are wearing matching christmas pyjamas at his parents’ house. there’s one blurry picture taken at four in the morning where both of you are laughing so hard neither of you is properly visible.

you see little moments captured there, cooking together, your hands intertwined, you sleeping against his chest, you dancing in a wedding, little moments of your life together. you remember most of these photos, but there are also some of them that you forgot even existed, photos that no one had access to unless-

hyunjin.

of course he helped with this.

you walk around the room, staring at every single memory like the memory stares right back at you. they are not just photos of you together, they are moments of your life, proof that your love existed, that it was real, that it was beautiful and it was the best thing you’ve ever had.

your fingers brush over one picture of seungmin kissing your cheek while you grin at the camera, completely unaware of how loved you looked. tears spill down your face before you can stop them and even though you wipe them quickly, more follow anyway.

you move through the room almost like you’re walking through moments of your life one step at at time and then you notice another screen at the far end of the room and it lights up as you get closer to it, a question appearing there.

exchange: what do you think love is?

you stare at it for a moment and then slowly answer.

“i think…”, your voice shakes slightly, “i think love is choosing someone over and over again”

the screen changes.

exchange: can love change?

you swallow and then answer again.

“yes”, you whisper, “people change, relationships change. love changes too”

exchange: can love survive pain?

you close your eyes briefly before you open them again, “yes”

exchange: can love be reborn?

you think about the storms, about the beach, about crying in seungmin’s arms, about kissing him like the world was ending. 

“yes”, you whisper again, tears slipping down your cheeks, “i think sometimes love can break first before it finds its way back”

the screen goes quiet for a moment before another question appears.

exchange: can love ever truly end?

your breath catches and then your eyes drift slowly around the walls again - all those years, all those memories, all those moments, all that love.

“no”, your voice breaks completely now, “i don’t think real love ever disappears”

silence fills the room after that. you wipe your face quickly, trying to breathe properly again, trying to calm your heartbeat and then, you hear the door opening behind you. you already know who it is before you even turn around but somehow your heart still explodes the moment you do.

seungmin stands there in the doorway, his eyes moving across the room quickly - the photographs, the memories hanging everywhere around you both like pieces of a life neither of you ever truly let go of.

and then his eyes find you and everything else just disappears.

“hey”, he says, the word so soft it almost breaks you all over again.

you try to smile at him through your tears but your lips tremble too hard to hold it properly and the second he sees that look on your face, he starts walking towards you, like there was never any other direction for him to go.

seungmin crosses the room quickly until he’s standing right in front of you, both of his hands reaching for your face.

“there you are”, he whispers shakily.

his palms are warm against your cheeks, careful and protective. his thumbs wipe beneath your eyes automatically, catching your tears before they can fall further down your skin. 

“hey”, he says, his voice gentler now, “are you okay?”

you nod quickly despite the tears still slipping down your face, “yeah, i’m okay”

he smiles a little then, while his thumb brushes beneath your eye again. his forehead nearly drops against yours right there, and it’s like he has to physically stop himself from pulling you into his arms immediately, but then the screen lights up again and you both turn towards it.

exchange: what do you think love is?

you look at seungmin and he’s already looking at you. his hand slides carefully to the small of your back then, grounding you there beside him, his thumb rubbing slow and comforting circles against your spine before he answers.

“i think love is…”, he pauses softly, his eyes still on yours, “wanting someone to be in every version of your future. it’s waking up every day and choosing the same person even after things get difficult, even after things break”

the screen changes again.

exchange: can love change?

seungmin smiles faintly at that, “yeah, it changes constantly”, his eyes drift around the room, “at first it’s really exciting, then it’s comfort, then safety. then it becomes the person that feels like home to you”

your eyes immediately fill again.

exchange: can love survive pain?

this time seungmin doesn’t hesitate.

“yes”, his answer is immediate, "because if it couldn’t, we wouldn’t be standing here right now”

the words hit you so hard your breathing stumbles. you feel his hand slide more firmly around your waist then, pulling you closer to his side.

exchange: can love be reborn?

seungmin lets out the smallest laugh and then looks at you again.

“i think sometimes people need to lose each other for a while before they understand how to love each other properly”

tears blur your vision then and he continues.

“i think love can come back stronger after pain if both people are willing to fight for it”; his eyes shine as he says it, “and i would fight for y/n forever”

exchange: can love ever truly end?

“no, real love never disappears”, he says.

the screen pauses for a second and then a new question appears.

exchange: y/n, did you ever move on from seungmin?

you feel seungmin’s eyes turn towards you again while your own heartbeat pounds in your chest.

“i thought i did, at the beginning”, you say as your voice trembles, “i really thought i had”, your eyes drift around the room again, towards all those memories pinned to the walls, “but i think… i never stopped loving him. i just convinced myself that i had to pretend that i didn’t want him anymore, but it was there the whole time”

your voice cracks completely at the end and seungmin’s hand tightens around your waist. 

exchange: and now?

you look at him fully then - at the boy who cried in your arms, the boy who kissed you in the rain, the boy who fought for you, the boy who kept choosing you even when he thought he was losing you.

“now i know that he’s the person i want beside me forever”, you say and seungmin’s face breaks, “and i’m happy”, you whisper through your tears, “because somehow, even after everything we’ve been through… i still get to love him”

a tear slips down seungmin’s face and he wipes yours away at the same time. the screen changes again. 

exchange: seungmin, what was your real purpose on this show?

seungmin laughs softly under his breath, emotional already.

“her”, he doesn’t have to think about it, he knows, “i came here because i didn’t wanna move on. i tried to convince myself she was happier without me but even then, i was in love with her and i didn’t want it to stop. then she told me about the show and…”, he says, his voice shaking, “i took the chance, as selfish as it could’ve been, but i came because i knew that if i didn’t fight for her at least once, i’d regret it for the rest of my life”

the screen changes again.

exchange: we’ve saved your nightly texts for the past few days and during these days, you have consistently chosen to text each other every night

you turn towards each other and somehow that completely breaks both of you again because of course you did. even when you were confused and hurting, even when other people entered your lives, at the end of every single day, you still reached for each other.

seungmin lets out the softest disbelieving laugh while tears fall down his face again, much harder this time, relief written all over his face.

“oh god”, he whispers, “thank you”

you’re crying too hard to speak. he cups your face again, wiping your tears with his thumbs while he looks at you like his entire heart is visible in his eyes.

“i love you so much, y/n”, he whispers.

you smile through your tears, “i love you too”

his forehead drops against yours while you both laugh and cry at the same time and then, the final question appears.

exchange: how do you want to leave the show?

seungmin turns towards you and his eyes soften again, destroying you completely for the thousandth time.

“with y/n”, his voice is quiet but unwavering, “there’s no version of this where i don’t choose her”

your breath catches sharply as he continues.

“you’re…”, he pauses, completely overwhelmed, his tears falling faster now as all of the emotions visibly crash into him all over again, “you’re the love of my life”, tears continue falling down your face and seungmin smiles helplessly through his own, “and i knew that from the beginning”, his voice cracks softly, “you’re my home, y/n”

a sob escapes you before you can stop it and seungmin pulls you against his chest with a soft and broken laugh.

“hey, hey…”

you bury your face against his chest while he holds you tightly, one of his hands cradling the back of your head. when you finally pull back enough to answer and look at him, your entire body is trembling.

“i want to leave with you too, there's nobody else for me”, you whisper through your tears, “there never was”, his face completely falls apart, “everything makes me think of you and even when i thought we were over forever…”, your voice cracks again, “i still loved you”

seungmin is openly crying now and you try to wipe his tears with your thumbs, just like he did with you.

no more questions appear after that, now there’s only the soft glow of the lights around your memories and the quiet sound of both of you breathing. seungmin looks at you like he can’t believe this is real and then, he rubs your cheek and your eyes close into his touch.

“i love you”, he whispers, and this time it sounds complete, and they are the most beautiful words you’ve ever heard. 

“i love you too”, you say.

and then, he kisses you, he finally kisses you. his hand stays against your cheek while your fingers curl into the front of his shirt, both of you melting into each other like every broken piece has finally found where it belonged again. 

years of love and heartbreak and longing and yearning are poured into the kiss all at once. you can taste his tears when he kisses you deeper. you can feel his hands shaking where they hold you closer.

and when you finally break apart just enough to breathe, both of you are still crying softly against each other, finally finding each other again after being lost for too long.

“we really made it back to each other”, he whispers.

“yeah, we really did”, you whisper back.

and surrounded by every version of your love story hanging on the walls around you, with his hands holding you like he never wants to let go again, you realise something quietly devastating and beautiful at the same time-

some loves really do survive everything.

a/n: and this is it my loves 😭 we made it to the end, seungmin and y/n got back together and we're all crying. thank you SO much for reading this, you have no idea how much this has meant to me and i honestly can't thank you enough. this is the end of their journey in the show HOWEVER... we still have some story left because we can't let them go now that they're back together, can we? that's why an epilogue will come out shortly because you know me and you know i'm always hiding something and this is part of it (and who knows what else i might be hiding 🫣)

the library

likes, reblogs and comments are always appreciated 🌟

if you want me to add you to the taglist let me know in the comments ☺️

dividers by my darling @lariesographic 🩷

ready.

one word, five letters, but it feels much bigger than it really is. because it’s not just a date - it’s your first real date since you broke up, since you entered the show, since you had to pretend not to know each other, since his tears and your lips almost pressed together the other night. 

ready? no, you’re not ready, but still, you nod your head.

“yeah”

“good”, he says then smiles as he steps aside, gesturing for you to walk with him.

you walk together, leaving the lodge behind you, as the air presses on your skin and the sunlight warms the streets slowly. neither of you says much at first, but it’s because you both feel like there are too many things between you and neither of you knows where to begin. so instead, you walk side by side as your shoulders keep brushing each other, until you glance at him.

“so”, you start, “where are we going?”

seungmin immediately shakes his head.

“no”

you narrow your eyes as you look at him, “what? what do you mean “no”?”

“it means that i’m not telling you”

“kim seungmin”

he laughs softly at the way you say his name, “always so impatient. you’ll see when we get there”

“you’re annoying”

“that’s okay”, he says, smiling again, “you like me that way”

your heart betrays you at that, because he says it so naturally and confidently, like somewhere deep inside him, he still believes that belongs to him, that nothing has changed. you keep walking, passing small cafés opening for the day, convenience stores with their doors propped open, people going in and out of them, tiny flower shops spilling colour onto the sidewalks.

and all the while, you keep trying to guess where you’re going.

“it’s the aquarium, isn’t it?”

“no”

“the museum near the beach?”

“y/n”, he says dryly, “you really think i’d plan a museum date? i’m not hyunjin you know”

“yeah, i guess you’re right”, you say, laughing a bit when you think about your friend.

he glances at you then and a small smile appears on his face. you look at him and your heart starts racing as you think about the other night again, then your thoughts start spiralling all over again because he still hasn’t mentioned it - nothing about your lips almost touching or his hand on your waist pulling you closer.

he has said absolutely nothing.

you know he was drunk, but he was not that drunk… right?

you continue looking at him as he walks beside you, completely relaxed, with one of his hands tucked into his pocket while the other swings beside him.

does he really not remember it? 

does he remember it but he’s embarrassed? 

does he regret it? 

is he waiting for you to say something first? 

the questions keep piling up in your chest, the pressure becoming almost unbearable, but before your mind can keep spiralling even further, you finally realise where you are. the closer you get to the coast, the louder the ocean becomes and the faster the salty air reaches you. you hear the sound of the waves, crashing against the shore, and then you see the beach itself opening up ahead. 

“you figured it out?”, seungmin asks you.

“no”, you answer honestly, looking around.

you follow him further down the shore, towards a smaller area near the water where a tiny wooden port stretches out over the sea and then you see them - the clear kayaks. small transparent boats resting against the dock as the sunlight reflects beautifully across their surfaces while the ocean glimmers beneath them. 

“oh my god!”, you say as you stop walking, your eyes and smile growing.

seungmin turns towards you just in time to see your expression completely change, excitement flashing across your face so openly it makes him laugh, loud and bright, the same excitement flashing across his face now too.

“you remember?”, you ask him, turning fully towards him now.

“of course i remember”, he says.

your heart squeezes at the memory while this flashes in your mind - you two standing near this exact place years ago during your first trip to jeju together, staring at the water while talking about renting one of those boats, but it had gotten late that day and they were just closing. and the next time you went, it was cold. and the next one, something else you don’t remember happened. and somehow, time after time, it never happened. it became one of those tiny things life keeps postponing until suddenly years pass.

you look back at the boats again, your excitement still growing inside you.

“we always wanted to try this”

seungmin keeps watching you with a smile on his face and when you turn back towards him again, he’s looking at you with something unbearably soft in his eyes, almost emotional, like the same memory of you in that place is flashing in his mind too.

“yeah”, he says, “and we never did it until now”

you look at the boats again, as the sunlight keeps reflecting against the water beneath them. it feels strangely unreal, not because of the place, but because of him, because after everything that had happened between you, after all the hurt and distance and heartbreak, you’re still here beside him, standing on the shore like this and somehow, it still feels natural.

seungmin nudges your shoulder, “come on, before someone else takes the good ones”

you laugh and follow him towards the small rental stall near the dock. the woman there smiles politely while seungmin talks to her, renting one of the boats for an hour. you stand beside him listening absentmindedly as your eyes keep drifting towards the ocean again and again.

the water is beautiful today, clean and bright, calm enough that the boats glide gently over the surface near the shore. seungmin finishes paying and then turns back to you, smiling again.

“okay, you ready?”

you grin immediately, “yes”

he laughs at how excited you sound and then leads you towards one of the transparent kayaks resting beside the dock. he helps you step in first and the boat rocks a little when you do.

“be careful”, he says quickly, his grip tightening on your arm.

“i’m fine”, you say, laughing at how nervous he sounds.

“you say that now”

“well, you’re the clumsy one between us”

“that’s slander”

you sit in one seat while seungmin settles in front of you, grabbing the paddles with exaggerated confidence.

“okay, i’ve got this, trust me”

you huff jokingly as you shake your head, “that doesn’t sound very convincing”

“no, no, i’ve got this”

he absolutely does not have this.

the moment he tries pushing away from the dock properly, the kayak turns awkwardly sideways instead and you start laughing.

“oh my god, seungmin”

“wait”, he says, trying to fix it, “just… hold on”

“we’re spinning”

“we are not spinning”

the kayak spins again.

you’re laughing so hard your stomach starts hurting and seungmin finally breaks too, dropping his head as he laughs with you.

“okay… i swear this looked much easier online”

“online?”, you repeat between laughs, “you searched this?”

“of course i did!”

“and how are you so bad at this?”

“okay, wow. that’s enough from the passenger princess”

you laugh even harder then and the sound carries across the water, bright and real. you look at seungmin again and everything else disappears, everything fades beneath the sunlight and the ocean and seungmin laughing with you like you used to.

after several failed attempts and one near collision with another kayak, he finally starts getting the hang of it and the boat steadies a little, the movements becoming smoother now. 

“you see?”, he says proudly, “natural talent”

“seungmin, you almost killed us ten minutes ago”

“but i didn’t, did i?”

you stick your tongue at him and he grins immediately, completely pleased with himself. the further you drift from the shore, the prettier everything becomes as the ocean glimmers beneath you. you can see shadows moving under the water sometimes, little fish darting through the sunlight, as the breeze is soft against your skin.

seungmin keeps looking at you when he thinks you’re not paying attention, but you notice every single time, there’s no way you could ever miss it. you reach for the other set of paddles resting beside you and try to help him.

“i can do this too, you know”

“don’t worry, it’s okay”

“but you’re doing all the work”

“that’s the point”, he says.

you look at him suspiciously, “and what exactly is the point?”

he shrugs his shoulders, “for you to enjoy it”, he says and then adds without thinking, “just relax, baby, i’ve got it”

baby.

your nickname, just like you called him minnie the other day. 

your heart stops and you see seungmin freezing in front of you, the word hanging between you, familiar and devastating at the same time. you feel the heat rushing to your face, and he tries to look anywhere but you, trying to avoid your eyes at him. you both know what he has said, but none of you mentions it. it’s like the walls between you keep slipping down without permission.

trying to break the moment, to stop things from becoming awkward, you pull out your phone and seungmin looks at you again, narrowing his eyes when he realises what you’re doing. 

“y/n? what-”

“pose for me”, you say, already opening the camera on your phone.

“what? no”

“yes”

“you are just gonna take horrible pictures of me”

“that’s actually offensive considering you’re the one who taught me photography”

it’s his turn to huff now, shaking his head before he looks at you again.

“that’s because i know you’re gonna ignore everything i ever taught you”

“okay, whatever”, you say, lifting your phone now, “pose, model”

“i hate you”

“you love me”

your words slip out naturally and he goes quiet for a second, then smiles softly instead of answering.

you spend the next minutes taking pictures of him while he rows and some of them are genuinely beautiful, while others are just awful because the boat keeps moving. you catch him mid-laugh in one of the pictures, just after you almost drop your phone into the ocean, and when you show it to him, he stares at it and then hums.

“okay… this one is actually really good”, he says.

“i’ll have you know you’re not the only photographer here”

he laughs as he looks at you, “yeah, well… and you always were good at capturing things”

the compliment feels much bigger than it is, your chest tightening again as he says it and you have to look away and before you realise it, the hour has already passed. one moment you’re laughing while seungmin complains about his arms hurting and the next you’re already nearing the shore again, the dock getting closer and closer.

seungmin helps you out of the kayak once you reach the dock and his hand stays in yours longer than necessary after you step onto the wood but you don’t let it go, and neither of you points it out. 

the woman at the stall thanks you as seungmin returns the paddles and you stand there watching the ocean again, the sunlight still dancing across the water. then you look at him again - you look at the way he smiles politely while speaking to her, at the way his hair moves with the breeze, at the way his hands move while he talks.

something inside you shifts again, like it’s something that had been lost for a very long time and is now slowly trying to find its way back home.

“hey”, seungmin says when he turns back to you.

you blink softly, pulled out of your thoughts, “hm?”

he steps closer, “are you hungry?”

“yeah, a little”

you smile before you can stop yourself and the second he sees your smile, his expression softens completely.

“come on”, he says, “i know where we should go”

you follow him without questioning and the two of you walk away from the shore slowly, falling into step beside each other naturally, much closer than before. so closer that your arms brush, even your hands almost touch now, but none of you dare to take the next step, and whether that is to pull them together or apart… you don’t know.

the streets near the coast are full of people, you see tourists carrying shopping bags as well as families walking near the sea, carrying everything they need for the beach. you see couples standing beside little stalls selling handmade jewellery and food and postcards and you think how once upon a time, you two were one of those couples.

“you know”, you hear seungmin talking, “i think i deserve some praise for surviving the whole kayak thing”

“why? it was your fault we were in that situation”, you say, teasing him.

“that’s not the point”

you laugh, “you almost crashed us into a family, seungmin”

“they were in our way! there was nothing i could do to stop it”

you laugh which makes him laugh too and then you realise how much you’ve missed this. not just him, this, in general. you’ve missed the ease of him and how he always made you laugh without trying, how much you’ve missed the way being beside him used to feel like breathing. 

you turn down a smaller street near the seafront and your eyes water a bit when you recognise the restaurant.

“seungmin…”

he smiles proudly because this was one of your favourite places in jeju, a place you always went whenever you came to jeju. it’s a tiny seafood restaurant hidden between colourful buildings, close enough to the water that you could hear the waves from outside. you came here so constantly during your trips together that even the owner even used to recognise you both, you don’t know if that will happen today. 

you walk inside together and then seungmin quietly follows you to one of the tables. the restaurant is warm and cozy compared to the bright streets outside, and when you sit across from each near the windows, your body still remembers this place too well. 

you start reading the menu, even though you already know what you’re gonna order, but you just do it so you can avoid seungmin’s eyes, because he just keeps looking at you.

“what?”

“nothing”, he says, looking away now that you’ve caught him.

“you’re staring, seungmin”

“no, i’m not”

“yes you are”

he smiles a little into his menu as he shakes his head. you shake your head too, trying to ignore the way your heartbeat keeps reacting to every little thing he does. once your food arrives, you start talking about old trips together, just funny memories, like the time you both missed your train because he insisted on taking pictures of the sunset or the time it rained so hard in busan you spent an entire day inside watching movies together beneath the blankets.

your conversation quiets naturally at some point, becoming more honest, and you look down at your food for a second before speaking carefully.

“seungmin, can i, um… can i ask you something?”

he looks up immediately, “what?”

you hesitate briefly before you speak, “the first days in the house, i… i heard you”

his brows pull together, “heard me?”

“talking with chan and minho”, you say as your fingers move lightly against the table, “you said you were grateful for me, well, not me because we couldn’t reveal our exes, you know, but…”, you see seungmin going completely still but you keep speaking before you lose courage, “you said that what you were grateful and that even if… even if we didn’t last forever, we were still important and uh… did you… did you mean it?”

seungmin looks down briefly before letting out a small breath. 

“yeah, i meant it”

“okay, i just… i wanted to know...”

“y/n…”, he pauses then sighs before speaking again, “you were one of the best things that ever happened to me”

your chest aches so suddenly it almost hurts to breathe and when you look at him again, you realise he isn’t trying to romanticise the past. he’s just telling the truth, the simplest version of it and you just smile, feeling emotional already. 

“and i think that… even when we were breaking each other’s hearts… i was still grateful for you”

seungmin stares at you after that, hoping his words reached somewhere deep inside you, then he smiles, and he looks small and devastatingly beautiful.

“i’ll always be grateful for you, y/n”

you look at him as one tear escapes your eye, “i’ll always be grateful for you too, seungmin”

he smiles again and it’s like the pieces of yourselves that are lost in the other are clicking together, all the love and memories, the parts of each other that you still carry.

maybe that’s what makes all of this feel so dangerous, because there in that same place you used to go to, you can feel yourself remembering why you loved him so much in the first place, and he can feel himself remembering why he came to this show, just for you. 

you keep eating as the hours pass and the people keep leaving the restaurant and the seafront gets busier. you stand up together and when you reach the door, he holds it open for you but you just stop there, looking at him.

“you still do that”, you say softly.

“what?”

“take care of me before yourself”

“some things never change”

your heart stumbles painfully and then you leave the restaurant, him following you right after. once you’re outside, neither of you rushes to go anywhere, you just walk along the seafront, watching the people around you and the food stalls and the lights reflecting against the ocean.

you walk beside each other comfortably, your shoulders brushing every now and then as you continue walking. you look at seungmin from the corner of your eye and he looks happy, there’s not a forced smile on his face or quiet sadness behind his eyes, he just looks happy. you turn your head to look away from him and then your eyes catch something further ahead.

“seungmin, look!”

he looks at you immediately, “what?”

you point excitedly towards a tiny shop between two convenience stores - a photobooth with bright lights and little stickers and photo strips taped everywhere, covering the windows. 

you don’t even think before reacting and immediately grab his hand.

“come on!”

the second your fingers wrap around his, seungmin freezes completely. you don’t notice him doing that, or what you have just done, but his body goes completely still because you just grabbed his hand like you used to do. 

you keep pulling him towards the shop, “seungmin, come on!”

“y/n-”

“we have to do it, come on!”

you tug his hand again and seungmin follows you, not knowing what he’s doing, because he barely hears what you’re saying anymore, he’s too focused on your hand holding his. your hand, warm and soft against his. your hand, real and holding his.

“okay”, you say once you’re inside the tiny shop, turning towards him with a grin, “this is really important”

seungmin looks down at your joined hands before looking back at you again.

“is it?”

“of course”

you tug him towards the booth and he just lets you keep holding him. once you get inside, you both squeeze together and it’s so small that your knees brush immediately when you sit down side by side. you close the curtain and then the little screen in front of you lights up while the countdown starts.

you smile brightly at the camera but seungmin just sits there looking slightly startled, his eyes big and round. the picture flashes and you burst out laughing.

“oh my god, seungmin”

“what?”

“you look terrified”

“i- i wasn’t ready”

“there was a countdown”

you laugh again when the next countdown begins but this time, you lean closer towards him and he looks at you quickly, too stiff and careful. you feel it now, his hesitation, how he doesn’t know how much he’s allowed to do or how close he’s allowed to get. he doesn’t know where the line is anymore, but neither do you.

the next picture flashes and then another one. you start making funny faces to get him to relax until he finally laughs after you puff your cheeks in one of the pictures.

“there you are”, you say softly.

“what?”

“you disappeared for a second, but i got you back”, you say, smiling at him now.

he looks at you quietly after that and then little by little, he starts losing up, the pictures now coming out much better. you’re both laughing inside the tiny booth while the camera keeps flashing and you lean closer to him until one of your arms wraps loosely around his shoulders. seungmin’s eyes widen slightly at the contact before his hand settles carefully against your waist, tentative at first, like he’s asking permission without words, but when you don’t move away, his grip tightens, pulling you closer to him. 

your breath catches and you turn your head to look at him and he does the same and that’s when the next flash goes off, with both of you looking at each other instead of the camera. 

you wrap your other arm around his neck and seungmin pulls you fully against him, one of his hands warm against your waist as he laughs quietly beside your ear.

“you’re cheating”, he says, “you keep distracting me”

“that sounds like a you problem”

the final picture flashes just as both of you burst into laughter again. you keep laughing until the screen announces the photos are printing and then silence settles inside the booth. you become aware of how close you actually are, of seungmin’s hand resting on your waist, your arms around his neck, and your faces only inches apart. you’re so close that you can feel his breathing next to you, so close that your heart starts pounding all over again.

the printed photo strips slide out below the screen and you pull away first to grab them, but it’s mostly because your brain needs a second to function again.

“seungmin look! we look so cute”, you laugh softly while looking at them.

seungmin leans closer behind you and your breath catches again, because you look so happy, so fucking happy, in every picture, especially in the blurry ones where you’re just looking at the other with the biggest smiles on your faces. 

you continue staring at the pictures then you look sideways at seungmin and you realise he’s already looking at you. he’s much closer than before and then his eyes drop briefly, but not to the pictures, they drop to your lips, and you think maybe he’s going to kiss you this time, and maybe you want him to.

your eyes start lowering too, the space between you shrinking slowly, you’re getting closer and closer, and then-

your phones beep loudly at the exact same time and the moment breaks. you both pull apart too quickly, breathing unevenly while reality crashes back in around you. seungmin clears his throat first and then you look down at your phone, trying to steady your heartbeat. 

exchange: please arrive at the following address in 30 minutes

you swallow softly. that’s it, this is the end of the dates, the end of you date with seungmin. you look back at seungmin and judging by the look in his eyes, you know he is thinking the exact same thing you are thinking.

“well…”, he starts, looking away from you now as he rubs his neck, “should we, umm… should we go?”

you sigh, and move away from him, letting some distance between you.

“yeah, we should go now”

you leave the shop together and start walking to the address exchange had texted you, which is not that far from the place you’re at, just a twenty minute walk. your fingers still hold your photo strip as you walk to the place and seungmin walks beside you, his strip tucked safely in his pocket. but every now and then, you catch him stealing glances at the pictures in your hand, and every single time, he smiles to himself. 

when you get to the address, you see that it’s a bar near the coast and not too far from your lodges, the warm lights that decorate the place already glowing behind wide glass windows. you follow seungmin through the entrance and realise you’re the last ones there, everyone is already gathered in a large lounge area towards the back. when you get closer, you see that everyone is sitting next to their ex and there’s an empty sofa left for you and seungmin, and that sofa is directly in front of chan, whose eyes lift immediately when he sees you walk in.

“look who finally decided to join us”, han says, grinning at you.

“we came as soon as we got the text”, seungmin says.

you and seungmin walk towards the sofa and then he looks at you and gestures towards it.

“sit down”

you do it without thinking and then he sits down too. the sofa is not really big, so you two have to squeeze in together, the sofa dipping under both of you as you settle together, with han sitting on your other side in an armchair. across from you, chan watches the scene quietly, not angry or upset, but you realise you’ve never seen him like this.

the waiter comes by a few minutes later with drinks and snacks while you all talk about your dates today, everyone laughing and joking together after spending the day with just your exes.

“i almost died today”, changbin says, making all of you laugh.

“oh, come one, bin, you just tripped over a rock”, yuna says, crying from how much she was laughing. 

“and? i could have died!”, he says, turning to look at her as he now laughs too.

“you’re such a drama queen”, minho says, teasing him as he laughs.

“you’re one to talk”, changbin says, turning to minho now, “come and say it to my face if you dare”

both of them stand up and get close, pretending to fight, making all of you laugh even harder now, your stomach hurting from how hard you’re laughing. then they stop and sit down, laughing too.

“but it was fun, i really enjoyed it, yuna”, changbin says, looking at her smiling.

she returns the smile, “i did too”

you’re still looking at them when you feel seungmin leaning closer to you.

“and you?”, he asks you.

you turn your head to look at him, “what about me?”

“did you have fun today?”

the way he’s looking at you makes it feel like the answer matters too much, like it could break him if it’s not the answer he wants, so you just smile, so big that it almost hurts.

“yeah, i really did”, you say, nodding your head.

seungmin’s face melts instantly and across from you, chan notices but before he can say something, the waiter approaches the table again, this time carrying the now familiar envelope you’ve grown to love or hate, you’re not really sure. 

“oh, please, not again”, yeong says.

“we can never know peace”, minho sighs.

the waiter places the envelope in the middle of the table and then leaves without saying a word. you all stare at it before yuna reaches for it first.

“okay, here it goes”, she says as she opens it and starts reading. 

‘participants, tonight, each participant will have the opportunity to ask three questions to anyone they choose’

han sits up straighter in his seat next to you, “oh, this is gonna be fun”

but yuna isn’t finished reading yet.

‘each person may refuse to answer only one question’

“only one?”, lily asks, her brows furrowed.

“that’s evil”, changbin says.

you laugh softly despite yourself while everyone reacts differently around the table, some laughing like you. but beneath the laughter, tension begins settling slowly into the room too, because what do you ask when honesty is finally allowed?

your eyes move briefly across the table, taking the reactions in - you see yeong looking thoughtful now, hae suddenly seems very interested in her drink, chan leans against his seat and looks to the drink in his hands and beside you, seungmin has gone still, completely alert now.

“okay”, han says, getting everyone’s attention, “who wants to ruin the friendship first?” 

han’s words hang in the air and no one answers, the laughter fading little by little until only the music from the bar fills the silence around you. everyone avoids looking at each other directly, because questions mean answers and answers mean truths people may net be ready to hear. 

you can feel the tension and fear growing inside you, not just of what you might ask but of what someone else might ask you. you keep thinking about the endless possibilities when changbin clears his throat.

“i’ll start”

everyone looks at him.

“brave man”, han mutters.

changbin laughs quietly before his eyes move towards you and that makes your stomach tighten even more than it already is.

“my first question is for y/n”

you blink, not knowing what to expect, and surprised that he chose you. beside you, you feel seungmin tensing and his gaze lifts towards him, not knowing what to expect either.

“y/n, did you enjoy your dates with me?”, changbin asks you.

the question catches you off guard a little and changbin scratches the back of his neck awkwardly before continuing.

“i know we already said that we’re friends and all that”, he says, smiling faintly, “but still… i wanna make sure you were okay there… that i wasn’t making you uncomfortable or anything like that”

your expression softens immediately and you smile at him.

“no”, you say honestly and he watches you as you answer him, “you didn’t. i had a really good time with you. you made things easy and fun, and i… i really needed that”

changbin’s shoulders relax visibly after hearing you say that.

“okay”, he says, smiling properly now, “good”

beside you, seungmin stays silent but you feel him relaxing a little. changbin asks his next question after that, directing it towards han, and the questions and answers keep moving. people laugh sometimes and others hesitate longer before answering. 

yeong’s turn passes, then minho’s. the atmosphere constantly moving between playful and dangerous, where everyone is teasing each other one second and then the next someone asks something too honest and then everyone keeps quiet again.

meanwhile, your mind keeps drifting further away from the table, because all you can think about is your own turn, what you can ask and the possibility of someone asking you something that you can’t answer.

you barely hear minho asking his last question before han looks around the table again.

“who’s next?”, he asks. 

your heart starts beating louder inside your chest and before you can lose your courage, you raise your hand lightly and speak. 

“i’ll go now”

several heads turn towards you at once, including seungmin. you straighten in your seat, trying to ignore how fast your heartbeat is now.

“okay… my first question is for lily”

lily blinks, clearly surprised, “what? me?”

you laugh softly, “it’s easy, don’t worry”

she narrows her eyes suspiciously anyway.

“if you had the chance to go on another date”, you ask carefully, “who would you choose?”

han starts grinning instantly, and you have to say you really admire the relationship they both have even after breaking up, seeing how they support each other and want the other to be happy is truly beautiful.

you see minho sighing quietly like he already knows where this is going, and your smile just gets bigger. lily looks at you for a second before realising exactly what you’re doing and then she starts laughing.

“oh my god, you’re evil you know that?”, she tells you, pointing at you as you both laugh.

“just answer the question before you break my heart more”, han says jokingly, placing his hand over his heart making all of you laugh harder.

lily covers part of her face, her cheeks already pink before she looks sideways towards minho.

“minho”, she simply says.

han slaps the table loudly, “i knew it!”

minho smiles softly at her while everyone laughs around them.

lily turns her face again and groans into her hands, “ugh, this is horrible, i hate all of you”

minho laughs then too, but the softness in his face makes the teasing even worse.

“aww, you two are so cute”, han says, pretending to wipe some tears away.

“shut up”, both lily and minho say at the exact same time and that only makes everyone laugh even harder. 

then you look towards minho, “my second question is for you”

minho raises an eyebrow, “you’re continuing your attack?”

“yes”

he sighs as he shakes his head, then looks at you, “go ahead”

you smile at him, teasingly, “same question”

“oh, this is better than a movie, i need popcorn”, han says, losing it again. 

but minho doesn’t even hesitate, not for a second.

“i’d choose lily”

lily immediately hides her face again while everyone starts laughing again.

“you two are disgustingly cute”, changbin says fondly.

minho laughs quietly at that while lily throws a napkin at changbin’s face. the mood softens a bit after that, just enough that you almost forget your last question, but you don’t.

your eyes start moving slowly across the table again, towards hae, and the second you find hers, the atmosphere shifts again, and hae notices. you can tell by the way her posture changes and the way her eyes sharpen. seungmin goes tense instantly beside you but you ignore it because finally, you have the chance to ask her.

“my last question is for hae”

the table quiet completely now, feeling the tension between you two.

hae looks at you, “okay”

“are you interested in seungmin?”

the silence after your question is immediate, heavy and dangerous, but you don’t stop there, not now that you’ve started.

“i know you wanted him to be your date, and you’ve been on dates together a couple of times”, you continue, “and i also know you said some… things”

hae’s expression shifts at that, not much but it’s noticeable, because she understands exactly what you’re implying. 

that you know what she said, what she told seungmin that night during their date.

maybe you don’t know everything she said, but you know enough. she can see it written all over your face, that you’re not happy about it.

the room stays painfully quiet, no one dares interrupt or joke this time. hae looks down briefly at her drink before finally answering.

“i was interested”

was.

past tense.

she’s not interested now, or at least pretends not to be. your chest hurts when she says that, even though you already knew and even though she seems to not be interested anymore.

“but”, she continues, her voice tighter now, “you don’t have to worry. he made it very clear that i didn’t stand a chance”

her eyes lift towards yours then, and there’s a lot of bitterness there, frustration and embarrassment too. but beneath all of it, there’s anger, not just towards seungmin, but towards you too. because she knows why she never had a chance, because of you, seungmin had told her that very clearly.

you hold her gaze anyway, none of you wanting to be the first one to look away. then han clears his throat awkwardly, trying to cut through the tension gathering around the table.

“well, um…”, he says, “who- who’s next?”

silence again, much thicker this time after your moment with hae but then, across from you, chan finally speaks.

“i’ll do it”

the second he says it, you look at him and something inside your stomach drops because the look on his face feels different, you’ve never seen him like that before. it’s a completely different chan from the one you’ve been getting to know these days and you don’t know how this can go. 

you feel seungmin sitting a little straighter unconsciously, his shoulder brushing yours for a second before he pulls back again.

“my first question is for y/n”, he says, keeping his eyes on you.

you’re not sure why, but the way he says your name makes your body tremble, because he says it like he already knows that this is going to hurt. he exhales softly before speaking.

“when you came here…”, he starts slowly, “were you actually trying to move on from seungmin?”

your breath catches and then he finishes his question.

“or were you secretly hoping you would get back together?”

silence, complete and real silence, making your ears ring and your body completely still. you hadn’t expected that, not from him, not here, not in front of everyone.

your lips part but no sound comes out at first because everything in your mind is racing too fast - the breakup, the nights crying alone after that, the months that kept passing, you and seungmin meeting before you started the show, meeting chan, seungmin getting you your favourite flowers, the almost kiss, chan confessing. 

everything.

all at once.

you open your mouth again, “i-”

nothing comes out properly and your chest tightens harder as everyone looks at you, waiting for you to say something. and the worst part is that you don’t know the answer, or maybe you do, you just don’t know how to find it. 

beside you, seungmin has gone completely rigid, you can feel the tension radiating off him. you swallow hard and force yourself to breathe.

“i…”, you try again, your voice quieter now, almost broken, “i- i think i’m gonna pass this one”

the moment the words leave your mouth, something changes in chan’s face - he’s hurt.

“y/n”, he says, leaning forward slightly, “you don’t have to avoid this”

your heartbeat spikes, “i’m not avoiding it”, you say, though even to yourself it doesn’t sound convincing.

“then just answer me”

“chan-”

“because i think that answer matters and i-”

“bang chan”

seungmin’s voice cuts through the room instantly, sharp and warning, making everyone freeze. you turn your head and see that seungmin is staring directly at chan now, his jaw tight enough to hurt and his eyes dark. and for the first time since you came to this show, you can actually see anger in him.

chan looks back at him immediately, neither of them moves.

“don’t push her”, seungmin says quietly.

the quietness is somehow worse than if he had shouted. chan keeps looking at him, not wanting to be the one to break, and neither does seungmin. the air between them feels unbearable, heavy, like something is seconds away from snapping. then chan nods his head once.

“fine”, he says, his eyes still on seungmin, “my second question is for you”

he keeps his eyes on chan, his expression never changing as he asks him.

“are you afraid that she could still choose me over you?”

your breath catches again when the question lands brutally, directly, and that’s the moment where everyone feels that this isn’t a game anymore, that this stopped being a game a long time ago. 

seungmin doesn’t answer immediately and you turn your head to look at him and you can see everything that he is trying to hide - that he is exhausted, not physically, he’s emotionally exhausted, like these past days have been tearing pieces off him one by one.

“yes”

the honesty in his voice shocks the room silent again, even chan looks a bit surprised with his answer. seungmin laughs once under his breath, but there’s nothing amused about it. 

“of course i’m afraid”, he says, his voice completely calm, “when you love someone that much, you’re always afraid of losing them”

your chest aches when you look at seungmin’s face, his expression almost breaking you apart. everything hurts so much that you’re sure it’s breaking inside you, that you’re gonna have to pick up the pieces from the floor when all of this is over and you can only wish that this will be over soon.

“but if that’s what she chooses”, he continues, “then i’ll respect it”, you can barely breathe as he keeps talking, you feel like you’re suffocating, “because at the end of the day, it’s her choice”

chan’s jaw tightens, you can tell that answer affected him more than he expected. you feel sick, completely sick, because neither of them are lying or playing around.

chan nods his head again and then asks his last question, and this time the room shifts before he even finishes speaking.

“and if you love her so much, just like you say you do, then… if you knew she was hurting so much after the breakup…”, he starts, before he finally lets everything out, “why didn’t you fight for her harder back then?”

you stop breathing, and you can tell that everyone around you does the same. seungmin goes completely still beside you, and then you see it.

the crack.

the one that finally breaks something inside him.

he lets out a hollow laugh under his breath and looks away for a second, shaking his head.

“that’s your question?”

chan doesn’t answer, they just keep looking at each other.

“no”, he says, his voice rougher now, “actually, no, fuck that”

“seungmin-”, minho starts carefully.

but seungmin just ignores him completely.

“you think i don’t ask myself that every single day?”, he says, glaring at chan, the emotion in his voice shocking everyone silent, “you think i don’t wake up everyday thinking about that?”

chan’s expression hardens too now, “then why didn’t you?”, he asks back immediately. 

and then the tension explodes.

“because i thought letting her go was the right thing!”, seungmin snaps. 

your entire body jolts. you’ve never heard him raise his voice like that before, ever. 

“i thought she hated me!”, he continues, his eyes watering a bit, “she was hurting because of me and i thought staying away would hurt her less” 

“yeah, well, look how well that worked out”, chan says sarcastically, making seungmin even more angry.

“don’t”, he says, painting at chan, “don’t act like you know our relationship better than i do”

“she must have cried a lot because of you and you never tried to be there for her, to fix things back then”

“okay- okay-”, han says, trying to stop things from escalating, but it’s too late now, there’s no way you can stop this.

“guys”, minho says sharpy, but neither of them are listening anymore.

“and now?”, chan continues, his words bitter and full of anger, “now you suddenly decide to fight for her because someone else showed up and did what you couldn’t do because you were a coward?”

seungmin laughs bitterly, “you know that she still loves me and yet you still kept pushing her”

“you knew she was lonely and you didn’t give a fuck about her!”

the words hit like glass shattering and then both of them stand up, the sofás scraping violently against the floor. seungmin steps forward and chan steps forward too and suddenly more chairs and sofas are moving loudly.

minho grabs chan immediately and han gets between them, as changbin pulls seungmin back before he can get any closer.

“hey!”, yeong shuts.

“enough!”, lily says.

your heart is pounding so hard it physically hurts, and you feel like you’re going to faint when you stand up and the room spins around you. 

“s- stop it”, you say, your voice cracking with the tears you didn’t realise were falling already.

but neither of them seem able to stop anymore, because this isn’t just about tonight. it’s everything - the breakup, the jealousy, the fear, the exhaustion, the love. all of it finally exploding at once. 

you move before you even realise it, pushing past until you’re standing right in front of seungmin.

“seungmin-”

you grab his face, your cold fingers against his burning skin, forcing him to look at you.

“stop, please- just stop-”

but he’s breathing too hard to hear you properly. his chest is rising violently, his eyes glassy with rage and hurt, his jaw trembling while chan keeps shouting.

“you abandoned her when she needed you-”

“shut up!”, seungmin snaps back, his voice cracking so hard it barely sounds like him anymore, “you don’t know anything about us”

“seungmin”, you keep saying desperately, your thumbs shaking against his cheeks, “please, look at me”

for one second, his eyes flicker towards yours. but it’s only that, just one second. then chan says something else, something cruel and furious, and seungmin tries to move again.

“enough”, changbin shouts, physically dragging him back before he can lunge forward again, “y/n, get him out of here” 

the room is chaos now - voices overlapping, han trying to calm down, minho yelling at everyone to shut up and your ears are ringing too loudly to understand any of it.

“come on”, changbin tells you quickly, pushing seungmin towards you, “take him outside”

you grab seungmin’s hand in yours, “seungmin, please, come with me”

at first he resists, you feel it in the tension of his arm, in the way his entire body shakes with adrenaline and anger. but then his fingers close around yours like he’s drowning and you’re the only thing keeping him above water.

so you pull him away, out of the noise and the lights, out of the suffocating heat of the bar.

behind you, chan is still shouting something, his voice rough with emotion, but by then your anxiety is so overwhelming that the words blur together into meaningless sound. you can’t process anything anymore.

the cold night air hits you both the second the door swings shut behind you and then seungmin breaks and you watch it happen piece by piece. his breathing turns uneven first, then his knees nearly buckle, and then, he’s covering his face with one of his hands like he physically cannot hold himself together anymore.

a broken sound leaves him, half gasp and half sob, and it tears straight through your chest.

“hey- hey-”

you walk towards him and grab him immediately before he can fold into himself completely.

“seungmin, just look at me, please, look at me”

he’s crying now, his body shaking, and he’s completely breathless and devastated. seeing him like this destroys you too and your own tears won’t stop falling now. panic claws up your throat as you cup both sides of his face again. 

“seungmin”

your voice comes out trembling but he can’t even answer you anyway. his eyes squeeze shut as another sob rips out of him and you feel his forehead fall weakly against yours when you pull him closer.

“please”, you whisper, desperate, your hands threading into his hair, “please- please come back to me”

his breathing stutters painfully.

“i’m here”, you keep begging softly, even while you’re crying too, “i’m here, okay? just stay with me, please”

but there’s no use, he’s completely falling apart in your arms. months of heartbreak and guilt and jealousy and grief pouring out all at once like he’s been holding it inside for too long and now his body doesn’t know how to contain it anymore.

and no matter how tightly you hold him, you can’t stop it. you can only stand there with him under the dim lights, with your forehead pressed against his, while he breaks down completely in your arms. 

“i… i- i can’t do this anymore”, he says, his voice completely broken.

seungmin turns away from you, running both hands through his hair so harshly it looks painful, and for the first time since you’ve known him, he looks completely lost.

the noise from inside the bar still spills faintly into the street, muffled music and distant voices and laughter that sound wrong now, completely wrong compared to the way he’s standing in front of you falling apart.

“seungmin-”

“i can’t do this anymore”, he says again, louder this time, his voice cracking again halfway through the sentence.

his eyes are red, wet, his breathing completely uneven. you’ve seen him emotional before, you’ve seen him cry too, but never like this. never like someone who’s drowning while trying to stay standing.

you step closer to him again and grab his wrists before he can pull further away.

“look at me”

he shakes his head.

“please”

“y/n”, he laughs suddenly, but it sounds horrible, it sounds broken and breathless, “i’m trying so hard here”

your chest tightens painfully as he speaks. 

“so hard”

his voice trembles with every word.

“i came here for you”, he says as his eyes lift to yours again and you almost with they hadn’t because there’s so much pain there it pulls you apart, “i stayed here because of you”

you shake your head quickly, your tears burning your eyes again.

“i know-”

“no, listen to me”, he says desperately, stepping closer now, “because i don’t think you understand how bad this is getting for me”

your breath catches but you let him continue.

“i wake up every day and i tell myself to calm down. i tell myself to trust you, to trust us. and then i see chan with you”, his jaw tightens, “and you smile at him”, you close your eyes for a second as he continues, “and then i try to be understanding because i know we broke up and i know i don’t own you and i know i lost the right to ask anything from you when i let you go but-”

his voice shatters completely.

“but then you look at me too”, your eyes fill instantly, “and when you look at me like that…”, he whispers, his tears falling down his face, “it feels like nothing has changed”

the wind around you feels freezing suddenly and you can barely think. seungmin laughs again softly through his tears and then frees his hands from yours to wipe at his face angrily.

“and then you almost kissed me the other night”, your heartbeat stumbles as he keeps talking, “and i swear to god, y/n, i haven’t stopped thinking about it since that night”

you stare at him through your tears, “you remember that?”

he looks at you like the question hurts him, “of course i remember it. i replay it in my head constantly”

your breathing starts shaking, your tears falling harder and faster now.

“i keep thinking about what would’ve happened if that door hadn’t opened”, his eyes drop to your lips before returning to your eyes again, “i keep thinking that maybe i should’ve just kissed you anyway”

the confession wrecks something inside you.

“but i got scared”, he says quietly.

your brows pull together, “scared?”

he nods his head once.

“i thought that maybe you only did that because i was breaking down”

your face falls immediately, “seungmin-”

“i thought you only did it because you felt guilty”

“no”

“i thought that maybe if i kissed you and you regretted it after, i would lose you completely”, his voice becomes even smaller, weaker somehow, “and i can’t survive that”

the tears keep falling down your faces, completely uncontrollably. you move forward and grab his face with your hands again.

“look at me, please”

this time he does, barely holding himself together.

“nothing that happened that night was because you were breaking down”

his eyes search yours desperately.

“you hear me?”, you ask him, needing to make him understand.

his breathing shakes as more tears fall.

“i almost kissed you because i wanted to kiss you”

you see something crack open inside him at your words, raw and hopeful, but also terrified. you press your forehead against his again.

“so stop spiraling", you whisper through your tears, “stop spiraling and come back to me, please”

but he just shakes his head weakly and closes his eyes.

“i don’t know how”

your heart breaks, you did this, he’s like this because of you, that’s the only thing you can think.

“y/n, i see you with chan and i feel like i’m losing my mind”, he says, “and then you come to me and hold me like this and i don’t know what’s real anymore”

his hands finally reach for you then, shaking, settling on your waist carefully, afraid of making you disappear if he makes one wrong move.

“we almost kissed…”, he says, his voice so quiet now, “so tell me what i’m supposed to do after that”

you cry harder at that because you don’t know how to fix this, how to fix him, how to fix someone you broke. everything hurts so fucking much, and it feels impossible.

“i’m trying…”, you whisper.

“i know”, he says, closing his eyes tightly, “i know you are”

“then don’t leave me”, your words come out desperate and you feel him tense under your hands, “don’t leave me, please”

his eyes open again slowly.

“you said you were gonna fight for me”, you whisper, “so fight for me”

his face crumples, you’ve never seen someone look so exhausted.

“hold onto me”, you say through your tears, “find me. stay with me”

his breathing breaks completely then and he starts crying even harder now, the sound completely destroying you.

“i’m so tired”, he whispers brokenly.

you hold him tighter, “i know”

“i don’t know how to do this anymore”

“you don’t have to do it alone”

“but what if you choose him?”, he says and your eyes shut painfully at the doubts on his voice, “what if one day you look at me and realise i’m not enough anymore?

your throat closes completely but you fight to push the words through, “seungmin, you are enough”

“but what if i’m not what makes you happiest?”

you pull back just enough to look at him, "why are you deciding that for me?”, he goes quiet and you wipe his tears with your trembling fingers, “you have to stay with me”

his eyes burn into yours as your voice shakes harder when you speak again.

“just stay with me, and then we will figure this out. together”

he stares at you for a long time after that and then finally, quietly, devastated beyond words, he whispers again.

“i need to go”

your hands tighten around his face immediately, “no”

the word leaves you before you can stop it, raw and terrified.

“no, seungmin, please- d-don’t say that”

his expression crumples harder at the sound of your voice. he looks exhausted beyond words now, like every emotion he’s been suppressing has finally hollowed him out from the inside. his eyes are swollen red, his tears still slipping down his cheeks.

“i need to go”, he whispers again.

you shake your head quickly, panic rising so fast it makes you dizzy.

“no, no- we can fix this, okay? we can talk about this somewhere else, we can-”

“i can’t”, he says, his voice breaking again, “i can’t do this right now”

your fingers tremble against his skin. the street around you feels strangely empty, despite the laughter and the music that come from inside the bar. everything continues like normal while your entire world collapses in front of you.

“please”, you whisper weakly.

his eyes shut tightly, like he can’t bear it anymore.

“please, seungmin… please don’t walk away from me like this”

the words destroy him and you see it happen instantly, you see the way his breathing falters again and the way his jaw clenches so hard it shakes. but then he opens his eyes and there's something awful in them now. 

resignation.

like he’s already forcing himself to leave before he loses the strength to.

“i have to”, he whispers.

“no-”

“i need space”, his words come out trembling, “i need to breathe because right now i feel like i’m losing you and i’m losing my fucking mind”

your tears fall harder immediately, “no, no seungmin, you’re not losing me”

“but it feels like i am, you just can’t see it”

his voice cracks again and he looks away from you then, his chest heaving unevenly as he moves his hands to drag both of them over his face again, pulling away from you.

“i can’t keep standing in front of you while wanting things i don’t know if i’m allowed to want anymore”

your heart twists so painfully it feels unbearable.

“but you are allowed to”, you say, “i’m telling you. you are allowed-”

“but what if i’m wrong? what if you’re wrong?”, his eyes find yours again, devastated and broken, “what if i hold onto his and you wake up one day and realise you were supposed to choose him all along?”

“stop”, you whisper, shaking your head and crying harder, “please stop saying that”

“but it’s true”

“no, it’s not”

“you don’t know that”

“you don’t know either!”, you say.

the desperation in your voice echoes louder than you intended. for a second both of you just stand there crying in the middle of the street, completely unraveling under the glow of the streetlights. and suddenly he looks so tired, not angry anymore or jealous, just tired, like loving you has become something painful and beautiful but also impossible all at the same time. 

you move closer to him, holding his face between your hands again, carefully and slowly, because you’re afraid that if you let go now, he’ll disappear forever.

“stay with me”, you whisper again.

the plea nearly cracks you open from the inside.

“please, stay”

seungmin lets out a shaky breath that sounds dangerously close to another sob. then slowly, so slowly it feels cruel, he reaches up and wraps his fingers gently around your wrists, but it’s not to hold you there, it’s to pull your hands away. 

your breath catches then, “seungmin…”

he shakes his head weakly. his hands lingers around your wrists for one extra second, his thumbs brushing your skin like he can’t bear to let go completely. then he finally lowers your hands away from his face and the absence of his warmth destroys you.

“i need to go”, he says again, his voice barely audible now.

and before you can stop him this time, he takes a step back, and then another one, and your entire body panics.

“no-”

you move forward immediately but he shakes his head harder now, his tears falling uncontrollably again.

“don’t”, he whispers painfully, “please, don’t make this harder”

your chest feels like it’s caving in, “seungmin-”

but he’s already turning away from you.

for one horrible second you just stand there frozen, staring at his back while the reality finally crashes into you - he’s leaving.

the boy who promised to fight for you.

the boy you still love so much it physically hurts.

the boy who looks at you like you are still his entire world.

the boy that is in love with you.

the boy you are in love with.

he’s leaving anyway.

your knees almost give out, “seungmin!”

your voice breaks apart completely when you call after him and then he stops walking, but he doesn’t turn around. 

then, finally, he does and the sight of your face absolutely destroys him, you can see it on his face. because his expression falls apart the second he sees you standing there crying openly under the streetlights, your arms wrapped around yourself like you’re trying to hold your own heart together. 

a broken sound escapes him and then he’s walking back towards you again, fast, like he can’t physically keep leaving after all.

your breath shakes when he reaches you and before you can even speak, his hands are on your face, careful and desperate, firm despite how bad he’s shaking. you let out a sob at the feeling of him touching you again.

he looks wrecked, absolutely wrecked, with tears sliding endlessly down his face while he tries to memorise every inch of yours at the same time.

then he leans down and presses a kiss against your forehead, soft and devastating. a sob tears out of your chest as your hands clutch weakly at his wrists, trying to keep him close even while he trembles against you.

he stays there for a second longer than he should, his lips pressed to your skin, like he’s trying to burn this moment into himself forever. then he pulls back just enough to rest his forehead against yours, both of you crying so hard that neither of you can breathe properly anymore.

“i’m sorry”, he whispers, the words shattering inside you, “i’m so sorry”

you shake your head, crying harder, but he just closes his eyes. for one impossible moment, it feels like he wants to stay, like he might stay. you feel it in the way his hands tighten against your face and how his forehead remains pressed against yours, like every part of him is screaming not to leave you.

but then, he takes another shaky breath, another broken look at you, and then slowly and painfully, he pulls away from you again. and this time, when he steps away, he doesn’t turn back.

you watch him leave through your blurred vision, your tears pouring endlessly down your cheeks while your body screams at you to run after him. but you can’t move, you can only stand there watching him disappear further down the empty street. and then-

thunder cracks across the sky, low and heavy, violent enough to make you flinch.

you look up and see that dark clouds have swallowed the sky completely now, the wind much colder than before, sharp against your wet skin.

another rumble follows seconds later, deeper this time, closer, like the storm has finally arrived. 

you stand there alone while the first drops of rain begin to fall around you and then, you realise the sky sounds exactly like your heart does right now, splitting open.

a/n: absolutely devastating and i know you're gonna come for me and i just can't believe we only have ONE CHAPTER LEFT 😭

the library

likes, reblogs and comments are always appreciated 🌟

if you want me to add you to the taglist let me know in the comments ☺️

dividers by my darling @lariesographic 🩷

but twenty minutes in, and here you were.

sat in the passenger seat with your heartbeat climbing up as the vehicle raced forward, the driver stealing all your attention.

hyunjin stopped looking at the road altogether, his dark eyes cutting sideways to catch the frantic way your breath hitched whenever he hit the gas a little harder.

every time he shifted gears, his knuckles brushed your bare knee, a slight graze that left you shuddering, while his left hand held the wheel totally relaxed. he kept track of every shiver that ran down your body until the tension in the car was so thick you could barely breathe.

holy fuck, his hands —

"hyun," you murmured, your voice thicker than usual as you tried to focus on anything but his fingers. "w-we're gonna get a ticket if you keep staring at me instead of the road."

he let out a low chuckle as he pulled the car abruptly off the highway and down a dark, secluded overlooked trail. the engine suddenly cut out, leaving just the headlights casting a misty glow through the wet windshield.

"road's empty, sweetheart," hyunjin said, the sharp click of his seatbelt unbuckling cutting through the quiet. "and i'm tired of driving."

jesus christ

he looked so hot under these dim dashboard lights it’s actually unfair.

hyunjin slid his seat back, creating a space on the driver's side that seemed a little too inviting. moreover, he ushered you towards him, patting his thighs with a slow look that made your stomach flip.

your heart did a frantic jump. "oh ? i-i thought you wanted a long ride ?"

"i do," he purred, his voice dropping an octave as he reached across to unbuckle yours next — and before you could even protest, his long fingers wrapped firmly around your waist, tugging you gently over into his space.

"but i think it's your turn to take the wheel."

oh

oh —

di-did he want you to —

straddling the center console was clumsy, but he made sure it didn't matter as his hands guided your hips down until you were draped right over his lap. your knees bracketed his waist against the heavy leather while the steering wheel pressed firmly into your lower back, locking you completely in place.

"hyun —"

he cut you off with a kiss that tasted like mint and raw hunger. as his tongue tangled with yours, deep and heavy, his large hands slid right under your top, his palms searing hot against your bare skin while you whimpered into his mouth, shifting your hips instinctively against the hard bulge pressing through his denim.

hyunjin groaned against your lips, his grip tightening on your waist until his fingers dug into your skin. "yeah, just like that — fuck — come here."

clothes became an afterthought, pushed aside just enough to fix the ache that had been building ever since he picked you up — and when he finally guided you down onto his cock, the sheer fullness of him filled you so completely that your eyes fluttered shut, your head dropping back.

"look at me baby," hyunjin commanded softly, his thumbs sweeping over your cheekbones as he held your face still.

you opened your eyes to find him watching you with an intensity that burns — his jaw clenched, a faint flush creeping up his throat as you began to move, setting a slow, agonizingly perfect pace while the leather squeaked softly beneath him, creating a rhythmic counterpoint to your heavy breathing and the steady patter of rain on the roof.

hyunjin looked ethereal — hair slightly disheveled, lips parted, his chest rising and falling sharply — and every time you sank completely onto him. his hands gripped your hips, guiding your rhythm while lifting you just to bring you back down on his cock with a deeper, harder thrust — filling you upto the hilt — making you whine as your warm walls fluttered around his length.

"oh fuck, fuck baby," hyunjin groaned, his voice completely wrecked as he buried his face in your neck, his chest heaving against yours. "you're so tight, it’s driving me fucking crazy. please —"

"ugh, 's so deep," you gasped out, your fingers digging into his shoulders as he drove upward, meeting every single one of your movements with an unyielding pressure. "shit, hyun — mmmh — fuck baby..."

"you're so good to me, baby" he choked out, his fingers bruising your thighs as the friction pushed both of you right over the edge — and the heat inside the car was stifling now, the windows fogging up completely and isolating you in your own private world.

the pace broke into something frantic and desperate as hyunjin's hips began to meet yours halfway, driving up into you with a raw power that had you crying out his name, your fingers tangling tight in his soft hair.

"hyun baby — fuck fuck fuck — ohmygod... nnnghh... so deep, fuck —"

"oh god — my sweetheart — you feel so fucking good, gripping me so well... fuck baby —"

you triggered the avalanche — and he followed a second later with a low, ragged shout, his body shuddering violently beneath yours as he held you impossibly close, burying his face in your shoulder while the final waves rippled through you both.

for a long time, the only sound was the hum of the heater and the heavy, synchronized thumping of your chests.

hyunjin slowly pressed a row of soft, lingering kisses along your jawline, his arms still wrapped securely around your waist to keep you anchored right where you belonged — and a lazy, thoroughly satisfied smirk tugged at the corner of his lips.

the heater hummed a low, steady note, doing absolutely nothing to cool down the thick, heavy heat trapped inside the foggy glass. you were completely paralyzed against him, every muscle in your legs trembling from the aftershocks, your forehead resting heavily against his shoulder as you tried to remember how to draw a normal breath.

hyunjin wasn’t letting you go anytime soon. his hands, still impossibly hot, remained locked around your waist, his long fingers pressing deep into your skin as if ensuring you wouldn't move an inch away from him.

"you're completely burning up, sweetheart," he murmured, his voice a low, gravelly vibration against your collarbone.

he tilted his head back against the headrest, looking up at you through a curtain of disheveled hair. the lazy smirk was still playing on his lips, but his dark eyes were heavy, entirely consumed by you. slowly, his thumb traced a line up your ribs, making your stomach instinctively ripple and a soft gasp leave your throat.

"still so sensitive," he teased softly, the smugness in his tone making you want to bite him.

"shut up," you breathed out, shifting slightly on his lap. "my legs feel like jelly."

the small movement caused a sudden, sharp hitch in hyunjin's breath. his smirk vanished in an instant, replaced by a low, warning growl that rumbled deep in his chest. his grip on your hips tightened until it was borderline bruising, locking you dead in place before you could pull away.

"did i say you could move ?" he whispered, his jaw clenching as he looked up at you, his pupils completely blown out.

the heat between you hadn't died down — if anything, the friction of that slight shift had sparked it right back to life. you could feel his cock swelling inside you again, stretching you open, filling the ache you thought had just been satisfied. your eyes widened slightly, your fingers digging right back into the leather of his jacket.

"hyun —"

"i told you," he purred, his fingers sliding down to cup the back of your thighs, lifting you just a fraction of an inch before pulling you back down, sliding deeper than before. "i'm tired of driving. and we're nowhere near done."

a ragged whimper caught in your throat as he began to move again, his hips tilting up in a slow, agonizingly deliberate rhythm that had you clutching his shoulders for dear life. the leather squeaked beneath him once more, a steady, sinful tempo in the quiet night, drowned out only by the heavy downpour rattling against the roof and the sound of your ruined, breathless gasps.

"p-please," you gasped, your head dropping back against his shoulder as he hit that perfect spot over and over. "hyunjin, t's t-too much."

"look at me," he commanded again, his voice dropping an octave, thicker than before. when you forced your eyes open, he was staring up at you with a raw hunger that made your core tighten around him. "tell me it's too much when you're squeezing me like this. tell me you want me to stop."

"i-i don't," you confessed, a tear of sheer pleasure slipping down your cheek. "d-don't stop... fuck hyun p..please"

"good girl," he choked out, "good fucking girl", his pace breaking from slow torture into something fierce and demanding. his hands guided your hips faster, meeting you with hard, unyielding thrusts that had you crying out into the foggy car, the rain outside completely erasing the rest of the world.

the frantic pace finally shattered you both. hyunjin's hips drove up one last time, deep and unyielding, meeting your descent with a raw power that triggered another intense wave of pleasure throughout your whole body.

you cried out his name, your fingers digging hard into his shoulders as you completely lost control.

the sudden, tight squeeze was enough to push him over the absolute edge one more time. hyunjin let out a low, ragged shout against your neck, his body seizing violently beneath yours as he came inside you, holding you so impossibly close it felt like he wanted to pull you right through his skin.

neither of you moved, just sinking into each other as the heavy, synchronized thumping of your chests slowly slowed down against the steady, quiet rhythm of the rain.

"best ride of my life," he whispered against your skin.

smartass.

kysa's note: had another driver fic lined up after driver.ᐟminho (read here) and we had max votes for hyun so here we are. not getting a lot of time to churn entire fics so hope you all make do with these drabbles (,,>ヮ<,,)! let me know your thoughts in the comments — xoxo.

klover's club:

@binniebb @joyracha @b4echo @lynnslibrary @zosauce @pineapple-in-a-burgah @starlostjisung @hanjinology @hyunniexmixx @bi-and-panicking @spiidergirlsworld @jiaaabbahng @avchannie @cchapssaltteok @unemployedcarat @hannavkk @selfproclaimedpabo @hyunjinxxs @babythisisourcinema @moch3rii @persassyismysecrettwin @0felixsfreckles0 @mxmx09 @foxiebread @embobema @iownachihuahua @mylovchris @rockstarkkami @pinkyrec @pbynsstuff @gloomydietitian @leeshoeknows @mysticetti @fweakygyatt @rylea08 @mikashisus @matzduo @barbie-girl84 @soldantae @jeekiis @sssoulesss @stryscribbles @minniebitesfr @channlust @hyvnesangel @hanjisdoll @warped-rabbithole @viisstrayy @myen2rude @quokkahansung