JL Farris

every morning his alarm goes off at 6:30. he turns it off and sets a 15 minute timer. for the next 15 minutes before he gets ready for work, he wraps his arms around me and just holds me there in bed. since his first workday after our wedding he's done this. I'm usually still asleep, just awake enough to melt into his arms. yesterday, 15 minutes wasn't long enough so he set another timer for 10 minutes after that. 25 minutes he held me yesterday morning. each passing moment, simply pure bliss.

when I ought to have left he said I should head back to Hermiston, rather than I should head home, because my home has shifted. we have a home together, finally.

my fingers ache by the end of each day, whether I've particularly used them or not. some days at random my right ring finger seems to be out of place in some way. driving too much hurts my pinkies. scrolling on my phone too much hurts my thumbs. playing piano at all hurts both of my hands no matter how good my technique is or how careful I am.

I have problems with other joints as well, but none worry me as much as this. I can live with bothersome knees, wrists, back, hips. I can stop hiking, stop karate, stop dancing. I can baby my body as much as it needs. but to lose function in my hands would be devastating. no drawing, no writing, no sewing, no piano or ukulele, no baking bread. everything that I've clung to to make life worth living. every activity to pass time or express myself. everything that makes me feel real.

this week I was wearing a tank top tucked in with a sweatshirt over, and he reached up under the back of my sweatshirt until his hand found my bare shoulder

"is my hand okay here?" he asked

of course, of course, of course it's okay and I love that you asked

everything I've ever wanted, everything I'll ever need