The Dating Diaries

So about those Tinder messages...

Luckily, date 13, wasn't quite as traumatizing as date number three. In fact, the lucky guy even earned himself a second date a couple months down the road. But before you go thinking that I've gone soft, I'll share with you the details of date number 13. 

The potential suitor: Benji*

I met up with Benji on a chilly but very sunny day in mid-November. The night before was a wild one (to say the least) but after chugging down some coconut water and Pedialyte (which just may be the best hangover cure out there), I decided to brave the cold and make the trek down to the Art Institute. 

You might be thinking: "What an odd choice of venue for a first date," and believe me, I thought the same thing. Don't get me wrong, I love art, but in small doses.

Benji had requested that we meet up at Starbuck's before going into the museum so it was easier to find each other. With my luck, I still ending up having to text him as he found a seat outside, while I found a place to stand inside. As I politely sized him up, I noticed that he was dressed like a total frat star in his baby blue pants, gray sweater, ray bans and Sperry's (it's a good thing that I dig this look). After a short introduction, we headed across the street and into the museum.

We quickly purchased our tickets (Benji paid for mine - as he should have) and we began to wander about the museum chatting about our jobs, our favorite spots in the city, where we went to college, and so on (you know, that typical first date chit chat). Not that I am ever at a loss for words, every awkward "first date" silence was easily filled with commentary about the art. It just might have been the perfect situation. 

Benji was especially eager to find a particular painting and when we randomly stumbled upon it, he whipped out his phone to take a photo. Obviously, being the photo lover I am, I quickly offered to take his picture in front of this painting. He was grinning ear to ear, like a young boy seeing Santa for the first time, and I'll admit that it was quite disarming. 

As we continued to walk about the museum, we came across my personal favorite: Monet. As we stared at each painting, Benji and I began to have similar commentary and by similar, I mean we started to say the exact same thing. There were actually several times that I had to refrain from screaming out, "Jinx!" As the date went on, I began to realize that personality-wise, Benji might just have been the boy version of myself. Needless to say, we almost had too much in common but that didn't stop me from going on a second date with him. 

Be sure to check back to hear all about my second date with Benji…and why we didn't end up going on a third. 

It's been some time now and I've had the lucky (or some would say not-so-lucky) opportunity to go on more than my fair share of dates. However, while some have been more promising than others, date number three was by far the worst. 

The potential suitor: Kevin* 

It was some time in June when I uncharacteristically took a chance on Kevin. While some might call me shallow, I prefer to be called "choosy". It was in the midst of my anti-choosy phase when I decided to step a few inches outside my comfort zone and agree to go on a date with the one and only Kevin. 

While Kevin seemed "normal" throughout our messaging, he barely passed my pre-date screening which should have been a red flag in itself. Kevin boasted a couple of selfies and although they were not mirror pics, they were selfies nonetheless. If you don't catch my drift, selfies are an absolute deal breaker. Regardless of his less than tasteful profile photos, I made myself up and headed to a local bar with bowling and bocci ball. The location was creative, maybe even promising, had I not been meeting Kevin.

It's hard to describe my first impression of Kevin but I could tell immediately that something was off. I soon found out just how "off" Kevin was. 

About three minutes into the date, Kevin asked me: "Want to play a game?" Because we were at a bar that offered both bowling and bocci ball, I undoubtedly assumed he wanted to play one of the two and responded: "Why not?"

But to my surprise, Kevin wanted to play "The Question Game." For those of you who don't know (because I sure didn't), The Question Game gives those playing the opportunity to ask questions and get answers, similar to Truth or Dare without the dare. The rules were simple. The first being that no question could be repeated. With that said, if Kevin asked me a question, I couldn't ask him the same one. The second rule? You could only "pass" once. I should have ran right then and there, but of course I stuck around. I agreed to play for the sake of being polite. 

The game started out innocently enough. Kevin asked where I would like to travel to most. I gave my answer and asked, "You?", knowing that I was blatantly breaking the rules of the game. He refused to answer and practically begged me to ask him a question. I made something up on the spot, while thinking to myself, "This might just be the longest date of my life."

We quickly fell into this same pattern. He would ask a question, I would attempt to steer the game into an actual conversation (isn't that what a first date is all about?) and he would drag me back to playing his stupid game. 

As the game went on, his questions got raunchier. 

Kevin: "Where's the craziest place you've had sex?" Oh yes, he actually asked me this. Call me old-fashioned but this question will always be deemed inappropriate on a first date...or any date for that matter. Wild stories are meant to be shared with best friends and best friends only.

I obviously "passed" on this question. To my disadvantage, Kevin was persistent.

Kevin: "Well, I'm going to go to the bathroom. While I'm gone, why don't you think about answering." I assured him that my answer would not change but off to the bathroom he went. 

To this day, I still have no idea why I didn't just leave. Politeness can be a real burden sometimes. 

When Kevin came back from the bathroom, he attempted to re-ask his question. I almost admire his persistence...but not really. Of course, I refused to answer. Fortunately enough, he moved on. Unfortunately enough, the questions grew worse. 

Some other questions that came up:

1) "Want to go sit in my car for a little bit to chat?" (x4) - Yes, he asked this four times. Like come on dude, what kind of gal do you think I am? Why would I leave my perfectly good beer to go sit in your car? Also, could he not keep it in his pants for an entire hour? LIKE COME ON.

2) "Do you have any tattoos?" (x1) - While this question may seem normal, I can assure you that the follow up was not. I responded, "Nope, do you?" He could have just said no and to be honest, I'm not sure why he didn't.

Kevin responded: "Yes."

To continue the conversation, I asked: "Oh, cool. What's it of?"

Kevin: "It's a secret."

Me: "Oh...where is it?" 

At this point, Kevin had hopped off his bar stool and began to lift up the back of his shirt. I looked to see what he could be possibly be trying to show me and I saw nothing. And that was because nothing was there. I was frank: "I don't see anything."

And what was Kevin's response? He said: "It's an invisible tattoo." (I have no idea how I kept a straight face. In fact, I probably let out a giggle because not only was I completely and utterly uncomfortable, I was actually appalled that he had just lifted up his shirt in a bar to show me his back. Again, I thought about running for the door.)

3) "Would you ever consider a friends with benefits type of thing?" (x1) - I responded the only way I knew how: "Maybe for the right person." What I didn't say was: "There's no chance in hell that person will be you."

4) "Want to go drink wine on the beach this weekend?" (x7) - My response: "We'll see," (x7). What I should have said: "Do you honestly think I could stand yet another date with you?" As always, I kept it polite. Unfortunately, it took him a while to understand that a second date was not in his future.

It is still a mystery to me as to why I did not run for my life. I felt as if I were on a reality TV show but to my surprise, no camera crew popped out at the conclusion of the evening and I did not walk out of the bar with any sort of compensation for surviving. 

At the end of the date, Kevin tried to walk me to my car. I unwillingly gave him a quick hug and began to open my car door. Instead of walking to his own car, he goes: "I would totally make out with you right now but I can understand if you're not into that." Those words STILL haunt me. I replied, "Um, it's a first date," and quickly hopped into my car, slammed the door and sped away. 

You want to know the real kicker?

Months later, I was at lunch with Karen* (one of my BFFs) who had known about my disaster date with Kevin. Apparently, her friend had recently been on a disaster date of her very own. Karen thought, "Wow, this story sounds familiar." Same location. The Question Game. Raunchy questions. Same name. And the list of similarities went on.

I had secretly been hoping that Kevin was having an "off" night because I could not believe that he could be THAT weird. However, we quickly figured out that his tactics were all part of his "game." So ladies, please beware: Kevin is on the prowl, eagerly waiting to show you his invisible tattoo.

Xo,

JoJo

JoJo Sparks here - casually reporting the latest and greatest in the dating world. Make that online dating. 

A couple of months ago, I was willingly (yes, willingly) dragged into the online dating scene and boy, do I have some stories. Stories, that quite frankly, are TOO good to be kept secret. So what better way to share my dating misfortunes than under a pen name? And while JoJo is not my real name, I can guarantee that these stories are.