Wanderings

We met at Starbucks Mendiola first then ate at a restaurant up to 7pm. There wasn’t anyone in the stores except the respective staff, so, I guess it was a lucky hour of the day to be anywhere that day. We chatted and shared our stories, struggles, and current boy problems; it was all good natured, as always, and filled with laughter.

There are things that I ask myself when I’m alone. More often than not, when I isolate myself, thinking I’m making the best decision, my problems only grow bigger. I make graver mistakes and I end up damaged, one way or the other. The views of my closest friends helped me realize the consequences of the possible decisions I’ve been considering in my solace, not only in the short term but also in the long run.

I realized today that I’m not getting any younger. That my time is better spent on things that will last, rather than those that temporarily eases my struggles only to hurt me in the end.

Right now, I realized that I have so much time in my hands with not much to do. When school was in, I have nothing in my head but to study. At the end of each of those days, there’s this man waiting for me. Unlike most who only like me when I’m free and not busy with studying and building my dreams, he would wait until my class finishes late at night and still take me out to dinner or call me on the phone for however long is possible for the day. I almost forgot about those things even when they are so near to my heart, simply because I distance myself from those who could help me make better life decisions.

This surplus of time and thinking things by myself without a second opinion has proven to be challenging for me. It tempts me to make mistakes, which, in normal circumstances, I would at one glance stay out of. I am glad to have friends who will always steer me, in a very intellectual and mature way, to the right direction without hesitation or moment of doubt. There are millions of possibilities on who you could be friends with. With them, I honestly feel like I won the lottery. I have nothing but gratitude for them. I will thank them all my life for being in my life.

They will always be my rock.

Had my hair cut today!

There’s a salon I frequent for a haircut in our barangay. The barber is a family friend and we often talk about stuff around and our respective relatives. Unlike me, our situations are different. He has no family here but the friends he made.

More so than the usual gossip, I learn a lot of things on how gay people are from his generation. There is clearly a stark difference between how gay people are before and now, and it’s interesting to discover how they date, how they find friends, and how they are one another’s family, considering a lot of people during their generation were the conservative types and does not accept homosexuality in the same way as now.

Whenever I visit for a haircut, he would always ask: “Sino na jowa mo?” It would crack me up all the time, because he knows about the people I’ve been with and would often give advice on relationships. He was like tita to me, so to speak, so I share those kinds of stuff with him. When he asked me the same thing earlier, I said “Wala, single pa rin. Pero, okay lang, di naman ako nagmamadali.” Then, the conversation went on and on.

It’s nice to have conversations where laughter is a central ingredient. There are stories that are quite sad or even painful, but these kinds of conversations turn them into things that you can laugh about.

One thing I’ve learned is that for ever painful story, there’s always a crack from where you can begin to tear out the parts that hurt you and eventually free yourself from the heaviness that weighs your heart.

I decided that, from today on, I’ll write about my favorite movie moments. I’ll try, as often as I can, to share them here.

For today, I want to talk about my favorite scene in Mamma Mia! It was that time when Donna and Sam were atop this hill near the beaches, overlooking the sea as the sun nears the horizon. It looked like a moving painting, the lights were in the right places, the mood was set, and all that is left to happen is the scene. It looked like a shot for an ending, which, to some extent, actually was.

Here’s the clip:

“The Winner Takes It All” has always resounded to me because of this scene. Sometimes, when my life is upside down or my feelings appear to be in a frenzy, it pops in my mind. Like a lunatic, my mind plays an imaginary scenario that I’m singing it to someone and acting like Meryl as Donna. Lol 🤣 I’m not sure whether or not that happens to others too, but my mind does it sometimes, then I laugh about it and I often feel a little better about things after.

My favorite lines have always been these:

I don't want to talk

About the things we've gone through

Though it's hurting me

Now it's history

I've played all my cards

And that's what you've done too

Nothing more to say

No more ace to play

The winner takes it all

The loser standing small

Beside the victory

That's her destiny

I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with my spare time away from law school. Studying kept me sane, and although I can keep on reading and writing through the break period, I feel that I needed to occupy myself with some other tasks, even if in some cases they can be mundane.

I have always loved films, and lately, I’ve been in love with movies by Studio Ghibli. So far, I’ve rewatched Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, and Howl’s Moving Castle. For the first time, I’ve watched Grave of the Fireflies (not in Netflix fyi), The Wind Rises, and Castle in the Sky.

It bares repeating from everyone else who wrote about the films that the stories are amazing. They come alive with picturesque scenes, patiently panned over long enough for the viewer to take in the marvel of the animation. Every film harps on the value of pausing, on the emptiness of the scenery, making one imagine the possibilities and map out how one moment turns into another through the power of perspective.

The stories are rich in meaning, and it stays in your heart. It exhibits very much human experiences and places them completely embossed in extraordinary and imaginary scenarios, which, if were true, would have otherwise been traumatic. It can be about love, hardship, independence, or adventure, but any of the films is guaranteed to give you that sense of adventure unlike any other.

I’m looking forward to rewatching some films like Ponyo and My Neighbor Totoro. I’m very much inclined to see more, which I have yet to discover but hoping to indulge in.

Half a decade ago, it seemed I was constantly going back and forth. My emotional state appeared to ricochet to and from extreme cases of happiness, sadness, excitement or loneliness. There was nothing in between.

Another thing I noticed is that I write with more vigor in expressing my emotions and putting them into words. Now, I guess I can still do it, but my emotions don’t consume me as much as they used to before. I’m a bit more robotic now.

I was an ENTP before, now I’m an INFJ-A. I’m not too knowing of the differences, but I think that signals growth too? (Halp lol)

Maybe, I’ll write about the differences I’ve noticed between my younger self and my current self. Perhaps, I’ll reflect more extensively on it the next time.

For now, it’s nice being back in such a familiar place.