i wanted to explore myself and get away from a toxic relationship because you really were being a terrible girlfriend the last few months. you were actually aweful to me. and all my friends were concerned. i thought i could find space and see what i want in my heart. i went and i traveler and i worked and i found another girl who really really loves me. but it’s so scary because i don’t love here back. i like how she treats me and i like how she makes me feel. but i don’t love her. i actually love you and no matter how much you have hurt me i can’t stop loving you and i realized that si i’m trying to see if you love me too and it just hurts so much because i feel like you don’t love me anymore. and i’m scared because i’ve never loved another human as deeply as i’ve loved you. and i realized that i love you even more than i love myself. and i’m terrified that i’ve made so much space for you in my heart that there isn’t space for anything else. and i don’t know how to keep living this life without you in it. i forgot what life without you was. and i know you aren’t going to change. and i know that if i’m with you i will still suffer because of how you treat me and how it hurts me. but i also can’t see myself loving any other thing in this world as deeply or as truly as i love you. and my heart hurts so much because it’s broken but also because it lost a part of itself. it lost the most important part. i can’t function. even the simplest tasks like eating or brushing my teeth take so long because i can’t stop crying. i love you and now i’m affraid that you don’t love me or that you’re incapable of loving me truly because of how i’ve treated you. maybe this is all my fault but i don’t know how to fix it. maybe i’m a terrible person and i hurt you and that jaded you. i just wish that i could go back to the days in costa rica when we both loved each other so purely. or i wish that i could forget this part of my life all together because the pain is crippling me. and i don’t know what to do or how to manage even. so i guess what i’m trying to say is that i love you and i will always love you. more intensely than anything or anyone else.

my younger self

mom

where i grew up...

she knew he was gone when she felt alone in his arms

and in the end we were all just humans.. drunk on the idea that love, only love, could heal our brokenness

i really like stars... because even after they die, you can still see them shining

your name is still the password for my computer

i should have been enough

everything that matters now will eventually fade away

tropical life

“pretty”

the only reason God gave me hands was to hold you

i actually just want to die.

hurry now, lover, we’re running out of time

if they looked for the truth, they would know i’m dying inside