The Amazing Life of

А день тоже был долгий, сборы утром прошли не очень плавно. Но, когда-нибудь я научусь..) Думаю мы тут очень хорошо проведем этап жизни

День был сегодня необычный. Примерно в 5 узнал что все с Аликой хорошо, а до этого тусовался в городе по разным местам и занимался делами. Странное чувство, когда операция уже прошла, а ты все не знаешь как ситуация в действительности. Было очень приятно созвониться. Затем купил цветы, литровую бутылку воды, разрезал её под вазу и отправился в больницу. А в больнице поговорил с охраной. В реанимационную передачи не дают, а Алика говорила после реанимационной будет в другой палате, поэтому какую палату написать на бумажке для передаче не совсем понятно. Как уже сейчас оказалось, цветы ей все-же не привезли. Интересно, что с ними в итоге сделали?) Поставили они сами в мою бутылку-вазу, или оставили так и лежать? Бедные цветы...

Тем временем анализирую изменение в жизни. Сходил в сауну, понял как же мне повезло что у нас она дома есть, и сел писать. Не знаю вообще с чего посты у меня переключаются по языкам. Может будет период нидерландского?)

За последний пол года примерно у меня ум стал гораздо шумнее – я начал больше волноваться по поводу учебы и разных проектов, как мне лучше всего начать профессиональную карьеру, и стал себе искать постоянное отвлечение.

Это можно связать с: · Отсутсвием рутины в жизни – это непостоянный график сна, не очень питание, часто непонятно как будет выглядить день · Увеличением нагрузки в учебе/карьере · Отсутствием работы с телом – это спорт, медитация, холод и баня

И наверно последний пункт для меня самый важный, а второй нужно просто научиться интегрировать в жизнь, потому дальше только шумнее в этом плане. С первым сейчас сложновато разобраться тк нет у нас с Аликой своей базы.

В плане работы с телом, главное не забывать о её важности. Примеры это: включить холодную воду в душе, бегать хотя не хочешь, или как я только что – лежать в бане на спине, поднять руки вертикально вверх и посмотреть как долго я смогу их так держать. То, что классно в таких челленджах, это как на поверхности видны твои страдания и поток мыслей. Например, лежу в бане "Разве это мне что-то дасть?” “Баня уже долго включена – много электричество потратила” “Уже 12 часов, пора спать” Потом замечать их и ставить ярлык – “не важно”

Затем, если постоянно такое практиковать в жизни, этот скилл можно и перекладывать в умственную работу и делать её более продуктивно и качественно.

Alika is falling asleep in the hospital, I am sitting in my bed. We just had an hour long conversation messaging each other. What a strange situation. Alika will have a surgery tomorrow morning and I won’t know nothing about it till she writes me somewhere in the afternoon - evening. I won’t know how it all went until hours after the surgery. I am not allowed to come visit her because of the corona restrictions, now nobody apart from patients and workers is allowed to enter the building.

What can I do then?

Well, to start off, her surgery is at 9am. I’m gonna be in the city center sitting in a cafe doing stuff. That way I’ll be easier on the move. I’m going to be in the city throughout the day, maybe even sit at her parents apartment for a while. Next, I’m going to buy flowers and bring them to the hospital to pass them to Alika. They do that between 5pm and 7pm.

Another great idea is to develop the film that is currently in my analog camera. I think the only photographs I made with Alika on them. So, the plan is to pass some printed nostalgic photos to Alika each day. So that in the end she will see a couple of photos each day.

On Wednesday, we are going to complete a mission impossible – I am going to attempt getting into the hospital to see Alika. Not sure how it will work, but! we have a chance.

Now, let’s have a good rest because I’ll be tired. Alika I love you.

So, flying back to Minsk. Let’s start packing my bags in the night. I’m tired...

Well, I will organize everything like I learned now. That’s a plus.

But, quite a sad situation... Don’t really know what else to say since words can’t really convey the state we are currently in. Alika blocked me on telegram, which was painful. What is going to happen tomorrow?

Nobody knows

I’ll arrive at the airport and drive to Alika, no other choice really.

Will she open the door for me?

Not likely. Chance is she’ll turn me home, but what else can I do than wait for her to let me get to her?

The days before getting to NL were quite a mess in regard to my organization. I forgot about the test, I didn’t go over the logistics, not much preparation at all. Well, the very good part is that this time, I didn’t give up and find I’m bad at everything, I did something else, something that Alika pushed my a lot with – I took my bad planning in, I accepted it, and thought of ways I could improve. That was a really great moment, because I didn’t have that before.

I thought “Okay, I’m bad at planning, seemingly I can only choose between zero’s and one’s when planning, let’s program my steps. Let’s make a list with things I need to do, then I go over them and say true/false when I need to still do something. That way, I don’t have to rely on myself for keeping something in my head or remembering something in the midst of an event, because that is seemingly not going to happen.

While flying in the airplane and reading 0 to 1, I get a lot of different ideas. I come up with plans for the future, my mind suddenly organizes itself, I start writing in my notebook, I come up with a new purpose for my notebook, I just feel good about myself, and I feel my heart is longing to be with Alika. Why did this happen? There are a couple of factors that come into play.

I am without Alika and with Victoria

Let's first start elaborating on this topic.I realized that with Alika, I am still more afraid to express myself. I don't dream as much with her. To be honest, I don't really get the connection here yet. Why does being with Alika make me feel less comfortable dreaming and planning? Because Alika will do it for me? Because Alika is better at dreaming and planning than me? I don't want to be shy here. For Victoria, I feel the need to care about since she is very inexperienced and I think about actions that she must take. I don't really do that with Alika because I think she doesn't need that. But, I want to think through the steps Alika needs to take and consider that I might help her with something. I see this as an opportunity to get a better relationship.

Now, all my thoughts have left me. I don't really know what else to write.

I am reading 0 to 1

While reading 0 to 1 I come up with a lot of ideas. I start to become more interested in business. I want to compare free and controlled markets. I got the idea that controlled markets are necessary, right now I'm questioning that thought. Are monopolies actually good?

Let's get back to writing about Alika. I love her, these problems that I don't care enough for her are caused by quirks in my psychology. I still compare us. The main reason for this is because I haven't self-identified – "Who am I?". I see Alika as further away and that I need to get in speed with her. This is not the case. We live in different "coordinate systems", like she says), and she is completely right. We have different lives, personalities, pasts stories, goals, values, desires. Almost everything. These can be comparable, but there is little reason for that. We are different. I have my own life, and I love it. I am on my way to become a fulfilled person, and that process will make Alika also happier.

What should I do to make our relationship more loving?

We should take back our Sunday celebration. Maybe do it every other week instead of every week? That would be less work, there would occur once in a month for each person. I think that's a nice period.

We need to talk more, harder as it sounds. We do talk every Wednesday now about our relationship, but it's not structured and we don't record anything. That should be a characteristic of the meetings – recording and preparing.

When I am sad (because it will happen again for certain, I can't switch that lightbulb at once), I should switch from "I am bad" to "I am bad, so let's not freeze and do something about it. Swallow that fucking brick and move on". What I am very happy about is that yesterday, I was able to do that. In the past, I would lie down, not talk, not know what I am thinking about, and slowly but steadily start spiralling down into depression. I takes effort to stop that energy and change the direction of it to the upside. I am able to do that, and lying down and sobbing is in the past.

And you know what, that is amazing

The key to not taking things personally, is having a definition of what you are.

Because only when you know what kind of characteristics you have, what you are and are not able to do, is when you don’t believe what other people might think of you. That way, you know yourself better than others know you.

I still am struggling with the tied up feeling I have. I sometimes just want to splash my feelings on paper – I now understand why artists draw.

However, I can’t, and I am not really gonna learn. I don’t see it as my way of expressing.

Here comes writing into play. I am not able to fully splash my feelings and thoughts on the screen, but I do it incrementally. I don’t really believe in the core that writing helps untangeling, but it actually really does, but every post just by a little. Therefore I want to say to myself – keep going. You’re gonna love writing

We just had a talk with aroop, he is an amazing guy.

Later today my first interview with Aidence, it’s going to be interesting.

I don’t have the greatest desire to work there, but experiencing an interview is already is very good idea.

I have the feeling that my career is kickstarting.

· We are far away with Alika · I am sitting in paragraph, while Alika is at home · I feel sad · It’s Friday and I am feeling free · I just read for half an hour · Alika just messaged me to pack my stuff and leave · I am hungry, we have a problem with food

Well, what do I think about it. I don’t want to leave, and I don’t want that Alika leaves, once again. I want to talk about it, and to solve the problem.

I tried forcing Alika outside, to not let her think and just go. It seemed to work – we held hands, she smiled sometimes. But after the moment we didn’t get the cigarettes, her mood turned around and we started walking home. However, her mom was home, so I went to drink coffee.

What now?

Doing an update in relationships is fucking crucial. It won’t survive without it. And, when people start to have their own perception of the situation – when their perception of the status starts to separate-diverse from each other, a crisis happens. The couple separates by force, which is painful. However, when all this force is released and the couple cools down, they are ready to have a healthy conversation. They both know that the situation is bad and important, they both still want to be together.

At this point, people can make a mistake. When both partners are cooled down and their love starts to appear again, it is easy to forget about the crisis and think it is not important anymore. This is a bad mistake.

At the point when both partners want to get back close to each others, it is of outmost importance to talk about the crisis, and most importantly – the causes for it. What caused the problem? What did you experience before the crisis? Did you feel uncomfortable but stuffed that feeling down, without telling?

When you run to do everything at once it turns out that you do nothing. That’s my life.

A big problem I have regarding happiness is the fear that I won’t be able to do everything I want to do, or even should do.

Right now, I have some project and quite a lot of tasks. The point is that most of these tasks are something I do for the first time and are complex. Complex in the sense that I don’t know how to complete them.

So, what do we have. We have a number of tasks and I don’t have overview of them + some of these tasks are complex and I don’t know how to complete them. What you get is a fuzzy mind.

So, here we are again, back in Minsk.

This was quite an important trip for us with Alika – living together in a one room AirBnb for about two weeks, caring for each other, planning, making decisions. It was just one trip that made us a little bit closer.

We arrived in Warsaw on Saturday. The way how we decided to go was also a funny story – we were in sort of a fight, Alika planned to go to Warsaw alone, she got to the tsna house to collect her clothes that were still there. This time we had to wait longer than normal – 8 minutes, so we smoked a cigarette together. During it we got to talk for the first time in the visit. I conveyed I love her and that I’m sorry... One minute left till the taxi arrives and she says: “Pack your stuff and go with me”.

In the taxi she checked when the best flight were. Turned out Saturday was the best option, so we booked a ticket for Saturday. We arrive at the apartment of her parents and start looking for places to stay. I think we got super lucky with this one – a whole apartment for 16 euro a night. It was small, but we didn’t have to share anything with other people, and it was rather big for that price. I would say it was an amazing found.

Getting her work laptop out of the country legally was a whole different story, and she did it.

About the MVV

What turned out was that she would get it faster than expected. Monday was her appointment – Thursday was the next to get her sticker. So really, we were done with our tasks in Warsaw. However we decided to stay because we paid for the accommodation and were already in the city, why not make use of it?

Meeting with Crys and Sasha was also very nice.

Let’s write a conclusion because I realize I am all over the place with writing. I don’t really like how I do it, Ill have to become better.

Travelling to another city because you have something to do there, but then also getting to explore a bit on the side is really amazing. You don’t put pressure on yourself for not being able to experience the city 100%, you don’t really care. You are still working, which means it’s not your vacation time that is so rare, although, I have vacation time all the time.

What I initially thought:

I can only express myself once I know what to express.

What I start to think now:

Only after expressing myself is when I start to learn what I am capable of expressing.

So, here I am, trying to think of something to output.

How am I feeling?

Well, I feel quite content. I don’t feel like this often. I like this feeling.

What has triggered me to feel this way?

For a good part, it was because I watched the video with Daniil and Sasha. Their first video about dark room therapy and how Daniil has his first experience. I felt inspired by it, that I do know, that I am Jan, that I am special. I felt that people care about me, even though I don’t have any people that want to learn from me.

Lately I have been changing my mind. I start to believe more and more in my knowledge and opinions, that other people can benefit from me.

This post is a mess...

Okay, my mood is turning around. What caused it? The fact that I wanted a beautiful and amazing post, and I got this. My expectation was to create something I will like, and in the end, I am just writing my thought process.

Well, the key is to accept it.

My goal for the coming period is to get faith in myself. I think that a lack of faith and trust is one of, or the major cause of this amathy, sadness and anger I feel sometimes. Today, I felt tied up again, but just a little. I think that is already a good progress. Good job Jan.

I have the desire to map my life, thoughts, emotions. When I feel tied up, I want to express it somehow and I don’t know how. I feel like I have something inside of me that I need to vomit out of myself, but I can’t. When I try to write it, I just express myself a little bit. Maybe I could try and draw? Or I could just learn to write better. I think that’s the variant. Writing is amazing. I love it. I will love it even more when I will learn to do it better.

I have the strong desire to make maps of my inner self – that’s another way to express myself. However, it’s also hard and has some limitations.