heart on my sleeve

For some reason, as the night crept on just past three in the morning, Jezebel always had a hard time sleeping. There was something about the taunting of the morning hours, yet the cold of the night that haunted her. It didn’t matter if she was in her dorm, or in Brandon’s tangled up in his sheets – she couldn’t sleep. Still, being alone in her bed made her feel colder than she had in the longest time.

Slowly, the tiny brunette sat up and stared at the door in front of her, wondering if she should run. She wanted to. Everything inside of her wanted to run away from this place; what was once her escape had turned into her prison, a constant reminder that her heart would be broken and ripped out at every corner.

Swinging her small legs over the side of the bed, she slid down until she felt the cool floor against her feet. Maybe she’d go for a walk, or maybe she’d just sit here until her eyes grew heavy. Her mind raced with thoughts she desperately wanted to block out. All of the dark mumblings of her depression sneaking up on her, reminding her of how hard life was when you couldn’t take the medication that was supposed to make you well. With a shaking hand, she reached over to her pillow and grabbed her phone, tapping on the home button and sliding her thumb across the cold screen. She decided to send a text to Brandon, hoping that it’d ease her mind.

“It’s 3:30AM. Thinking of you. Miss you. Love you” – Delete. She couldn’t send that. She had convinced herself that she’d give him space, as much as she sanely could. Instead she tried to send a text to Mariana, the girl she had called “best friend” for a few months before she ran off.

“I need your strength right now, Mariposa. Please just” – Delete. Mari hadn’t contacted her in months, that wouldn’t change anything now. Glancing through her contacts, she found a name that sparked her interest and lit a fire in her lonely heart – Spencer.

“Come back to me. Right fucking now.” – Delete. He left her, too. In a way, she had lost all three of them. Each of them losses she couldn’t handle. But it was in that moment she knew what she had to do, even if it was a bit unorthodox.

Standing up from her bed entirely, she slipped her black Ugg boots on and shrugged a red flannel shirt over her shoulders. She was sure to grab her phone and one of her stuffed lions, Sally. A few months prior, Spencer had found her mate, Jack, and Jezebel had felt warm hearted enough to give him the matching lion. Now, while a part of her regretted not having half of her childhood pair, she was happy that somewhere out there, he had some sort of connection to her.

Shuffling to the door, she made sure to keep quiet as she exited and locked it behind her. Sure, it might have been stupid to travel to the boys’ dorms at nearly four o’clock in the morning, but it’s what she needed at the time. Carefully, she let herself in and kept track of the dorm numbers as she stumbled her way through the hall. 117, 118, 119 – 120. There it was, the door she needed to see – Spencer’s. She wasn’t entirely sure if his roommate was in there or not, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t like she was going inside, or like she was going to be particularly loud. She just needed a place to vent.

Turning her back to the door, she propped herself against it before slowly sliding down, a soft thud hitting the air once her bottom reached the floor. With a ragged breath, Jezebel pulled her knees up to her chest, letting Sally rest on them as she hooked her arms around her calves and laid her head on top of the stuffed lion.

“Hey, Spence,” she mumbled, trying hard not to let the tears spill from her eyes now that it was clear that she was actually doing this. “I know you’re not here and I know that this is really st-stupid, but I had to do it. I just – I really hope you’re roommate isn’t in there or else he’s going to think I’m nuts.” She laughed lightly, her voice shaking as her chest tightened from the tears.

“I’m so mad that you left me, you know. Not like, angry mad, but disappointed mad. Because – I was a really shitty best friend when you were here and I didn’t realize how much I needed you until you were gone. It’s like I’ve done with everyone else and now I’m alone, Spencer. I’m all alone. I’m like – Do you remember that scene in Alice in Wonderland, the cartoon, where she comes to the intersection of all those nonsensical paths and she just breaks down? Alice has nowhere left to go, no one to help her, no sign that she’s ever getting out, and she’s just stuck in this never ending darkness and confusion. That’s where I am. Your door step is my mushroom, and these halls are my Wonderland. A magical, terrifying place where I pretend that I am okay and that I am having fun, but I’m so painfully lonely.”

Jezebel tilted her head up as if she was looking at the ceiling, though it was far too dark for her to see anything. Slowly, she lifted her hand to her soft face and delicately wiped away a tear; hoping that once it was off her cheek, she could deny its existence entirely. “I don’t even talk to my Poppie anymore, you know. I don’t feel him with me anymore. I think he saw me break u-up with Branny and became disappointed in me because I gave up a part of myself. I did it for him, I s-swear. And after – After I used a really nice boy because I thought he could help me numb myself. I let him kiss me, and I l-let him take me on dates while I was in love with someone else in the hopes that he would give me access to alcohol or p-pot, or something. Anything that would take away the hurt that I felt. And guess what? I failed. I failed, I failed, I failed. Just like I fail at everything because here I am, alone, and feeling everything.”

Letting her legs go, she allowed them to slide down so that they were now touching the floor, her hands falling to her side. “I did this to myself, Spence. Partially, anyway. I don’t really talk to Avery anymore. I think she’s busy with Eli and the rest of her friends to even notice me now. That’s probably a good thing for her, I’m kind of a pain to room with. I don’t talk to Luna. I couldn’t tell you why we don’t talk, we just – don’t. Maybe I pulled away, maybe she pulled away… I don’t know. I don’t talk to Eli because, well, I’m assuming it’s the same reason Avery and I barely see each other now. Austin left me. Jaeden left me. Tristan left me. Mari left me. Lilith left me. And you – you left me.” At those words, she began to break down. Her sobs now audible and shaking her tiny body.

“I’ve ruined myself. I’ve allowed myself to depend on other people and then I pulled away when most of them ran away. Now I have no one. I’m on my own, Spence. The same broken, afraid, and lonely girl I was when I came here. It’s all my goddamn fault. And all I want—I just want someone to show me the looking glass. Show me the way out of Wonderland, save me becau—B-Because I don’t think I can save myself anymore.”