Drown me with words

—

The words inside my brain won’t stop flowing

I am at the point that it’s causing me pain

Words that wanted to be freed

To be written, to be showed

Words that are craving for attention.

It misses the ink, the paper, its writer

Words that are kept inside for so long

Waited for years until it looses its patience

So here I am

Again at last

With my fingers tightly wrapped around my pen

I lost love once again

I lost love in the same place I met it

I lost it while I was at my peak

While I’m dancing on my feet

I was losing control, overwhelmed of all the love I’ve given, and welcoming all of the affections I thought I needed

I smiled at night knowing that I have love

But I lost it

Love, at this time was my past, my present and my future.

Love is not just a need but a necessity

Something that I thought I deserved.

Love is dangerous, Love is pain

But I took that risk, cus maybe I’m insane

I lost love while I’m high with nicotine

I lost it while its arms are around me

Looking at me and showing that fake happiness

I lost it while its holding my hand and kissing my cheeks

I lost it when I least expected it

Love and I had a talk

It was probably the most painful day of my life

Love was holding my hand while explaining

What happened

Love made me feel that I’m not enough

Love told me that it is not like what it was before

That talk made me realize that a lot can happen in a day

That you can love a person wholeheartedly today and realized you don’t the next day

I lost love while I was smiling with tears on my eyes

I gladly led love outside the door

I made love believe that I’m fine

But once the door closes

I knew I was back to zero

Back to the first sentence of my poem when I met love

Back to the days where I’m hitting the ground.

And I

I said goodbye to love on rainy evening.

Love said I love you

I said I love you too

And in that moment I knew,

I met love once again

~

The day I met love is the day I’m hitting the ground

I’m losing control, I can’t barely stand

Storms and hurricanes from left to right.

I cried at night wishing to be hugged tight

-

Love is not in my dictionary at that time

Love is a want, not a need

A luxury I can’t have, I believed.

Love is dangerous , Love is pain

I have my priorities keeping me sane

I have my goals I have commands

I have rules and demands

-

I met love while I was walking on a string

Life was black and white and plain

But I saw him and he smiled

And I felt something, it’s messing with my mind

I met him on a cloudy day,

And when our eyes met, i knew

He felt it too.

-

I met love while sitting in a car

With a cold breeze and beautiful city lights

I saw his eyes, that beautiful hazel eyes

And I stare at his lips and wonder, "does it lie?"

-

I met love while he’s kissing me and I’m distracted

I can’t think straight, I’ll say something I’ll regret

I am bursting with happiness but overwhelmed with confusion

What if this is not right? What if love is a poison?

And then I,

I accepted love on a rainy morning

With a beautiful view and his hands on my waist

I accepted love when he smiled at me warmly

He whispered I love you

And I said I love you too

And in that moment I knew

I felt it too.

I started smoking a lot since I met you

I started having dreams and nightmares

Wishes and hopes

And I never do that

I stopped believing into dreams years ago

I just always say “let life do its job”

But when I met you

I started looking at the stars at night

Lighting a cigarette on my lip

Frustrated of my emotions

This is something new I can’t just deal with.

Loving you

Is the most beautiful yet most painful thing

In my life right now.

A pack of cigarette is not enough

To take away all the pain

Sometimes I hate that I am so selfless

That I just love and love

And never expecting anything in return

After all, you’re someone I can never have

Like a moon, my own Luna

Beautiful and pure yet so far away.

—

I started smoking more and more since the day i met you

I smoke before I sleep

And I smoke when I’m looking at the moon

Letting you go was easy

I just have to let go of your promises

And have to deal with the fact that

I will never get to hold your hands again

To never hug you again

To never brush my lips unto yours

Letting go of the memories however,

I don’t know where to start

Should I start talking about your hair

Or how beautiful you are

Should I start talking about your voice

And your god damn lips

Should I say your name?

And how it feels natural on my tongue

Or how we talk at night

And the spark when we touch

Should I tell them how distracting you are

And how awful it feels like

To be next to you

To be able to touch you, to talk to you

To stare at you

Knowing that you will never be mine

Should I be patient?

And wait for the right time?

Or should I let go of you

And move on with my life

Are you just a phase?

Or are you here to stay?

So many questions in my mind

You’re the reason of my sleepless nights

You’re the dream when I’m awake

And still my dream when I sleep

Are you an angel in disguise

Or you’re just here to hit my pride

Are you leading me on?

Or I’m just an average girl in your eyes

Are you the one who’ll break my wall

Or I’m just infatuated with your smile

Are you going to be mine?

Or just one of my poetries?

Maybe,

Maybe you’re just.

Just another subject

Just another story

Just another heartbreak.

Just one of the boys who can’t keep me.

Just.

It’s hard to sleep at night

With demons screaming

You wake up in the middle of the night

And you cry, helpless

The monsters inside your head won’t stop

They’re more powerful when it’s quiet

When you’re alone and vulnerable

When you cry yourself to sleep

When everyone else is asleep

My head is full of black and white

Filled with dangerous thoughts

My soul is drowning in a sea of doubt

Darkness is consuming my heart

As I bend my knees and try to pray

To my mom in heaven to take me away

Take me with her, take away my pain

With tears falling and my blood running.

Will heaven take me if I took my life

Will God listen if I say I’m tired

Will somebody help me if I stop and cry

~Have you ever seen an angel falling?

-

Sometimes I feel like I’m playing at a rooftop of a tall building

Walking at the side with my right feet hanging in the air

One push and I’ll fall

One wrong move and I’ll be gone forever.

Sometimes I wonder

If I jump will I still have enough time to think while falling?

Will I cry? Will I have regrets?

Will it hurt?

I’ll probably smile

I’ll probably laugh

Hell I’ll scream

I’ll be relieved.

To be able to escape this world full of pain

To stop pretending to be brave and stop facing reality

I may be a coward

People might curse at me

They may say I’m stupid

But to live a lie

And to wear a mask forever

Is foolish.

If there is something in this world that I really really want

It’s peace and something new to face.

That night was a bittersweet memory 

like a rare candy that’s taken away from me 

Serendipity, A happy surprise. Something that we’re not expecting 

An overwhelming “accident” 

We talked for hours and hours and it’s still not enough 

I can still smell the air of that cold night 

I can still hear the beautiful sound of our voices 

I can still taste the bitterness of the coffee 

I can still picture our sweet sweet smiles 

Exchanging life stories as if we know each other for years 

as if this person in front of me is not a stranger 

He doesn’t feel like a stranger, he feels like home 

I can still remember our bitter laughters talking about our past 

and the doubt for the future 

scared of what will happen, afraid of what it holds

You are my favorite what if 

and my favorite risk that i didn’t take 

Someone that i want to hold but couldnt 

someone that has to be taken away from me after a few hours 

--

I believe in destiny 

and i believe in chances that we didn’t take

That night was just so enchanting it feels like a dream 

You’re my favorite song in the radio 

My favorite underated singer 

My favorite writer, my counterpart 

You’re my favorite what if. 

tonight as we fell asleep 

a thousand miles away from each other

while we’re entertaining someone else

smiling and pretending,

at the back of my mind there’s still our memory 

a memory of one of my greatest night 

and a question that will never be answered 

I can hear the rain outside my window

And my head still resting on the pillow

It’s 6 15 PM

I should be up, I should atleast comb my hair

But the thoughts of you are making me depressed

Alone and stressed

The memories of your smile flooding my brain

And your scent still lingers on my bed

I might sound obsessed

But without you here, we both know I’m a mess

It’s starting to rain harder

I can almost hear the thunder

The pain in my chest still lingers

And your shirt I can feel on my fingers

Tears just won’t stop falling

My love, why do I keep on hurting?

So many questions I want to ask

While I’m watching your videos seeing your unforgettable laugh

You’re driving me crazy everyday

And my heart is breaking each day

I’m saying that I’m okay

But how can you not see that I’m not, and I will never be okay

Without you here,

We both know I’m a mess.

My soul keeps on wandering

Finding its way home

Looking for an escape

Tired of running from this maze

My only guide is the moon

As its light giving me hope

And the stars twinkling happily in the sky

As if it’s calling out my name

Pulling my strings.

I am lost and I wanted to be found

But there’s a tape on my mouth

No one knows I am stuck in the dark

But you can see it in my eyes

That behind this smile

Is a lost soul inside

There’s a demon inside my head

For now it is chained

But once it gets stronger again

It will bite me again

And pull me with him Inside its cage

Scarring me repeatedly

More and more each day.

It’s getting harder to say that I’m strong

But I can’t drop my mask

No one can know that this happiness

And those smiles and laughters

Are all fake

After all it’s what they wanted to see

For they believe,

That depression is a disease

That a pretty face can’t have.

G A M E C H A N G E R ~

That one time that I saw your eyes

I got lost inside of it

Drawn and addicted by its darkness

As you tilt your head and smiled

Challenging me

Making me your toy

Controlling me like a puppet

I’m a sucker for boys like you

Those eyes full of mystery

And a face like an angel

But a heart of evil

You want me to sin

To get consumed by lust

Get drowned by my own pride

Feeding me with jealousy

As I clicked my tongue

And bit my lip in anger

Teasing me as you tease your girl

Staring at me as you kiss her

—

I wanted to laugh so hard

For you to think that you’re toying with me

But you see,

You’re just a player

But this is my game

I live in a world

Where people are showing happy faces

with their hearts broken

In a world where dreams are better than reality

Where they value pride more than anything else

People with unseen scars

and battling a war all alone every day

I live in a world

Where people are wearing a mask

afraid to show their true selves

afraid to be judged by society

Where people don’t have contentment

and always wanting for more, craving for more

Where people have a lust for life

and looking for a will to live

I live in a cruel world

Where people always smile

with a knife stabbed in their chest

where kindness is rare

amazing even 

how you can just look into the sky 

and appreciate the world’s beauty 

(ctto) 

– 

E P I P H A N Y

And when I saw your beauty in its truest form

I got speechless, I was in oblivion 

Your beauty is Celestial 

A fire ignites inside of me 

Like my soul is calling unto yours 

Wanted to be set free in a cage I built years ago.

I don’t know what’s happening inside of me 

All i know is, 

You have the most beautiful soul 

And it’s the reason why i want to throw all of my beliefs