where i went wrong

   ❛ That is true… And I wouldn’t have minded a drink but I figured I’d show you parts of town you otherwise probably would have missed, ❜ she quipped, tilting her head a little to the side. When you weren’t particularly interested in painting you probably would walk right past this place. Nadia wanted to show him a side of her and he was definitely showing her sides of him with his dramatics. Childish, yet it had her giggling like they were in art class in kindergarten, making her press her lips together so the teacher wouldn’t tell them off.

  Her face turned into a mix between pensive and excited when he started dragging his brush over the canvas, quickly making a line and two circles that had Nadia frown before meeting his gaze, laugh bubbling in her chest but she almost held her breath to keep it in, only a quiet snort pressing out of her nose as she leaned her forehead against his shoulder for a short second. 

    ❛ If that’s your take on realism… ❜ she placed a delicate hand an inch from her mouth, index finger rest against the tip of her noce as she giggled quietly in one breath. ❛ I’m going to have to assume you’ve never seen a girl… topless. Ever. ❜

    Throwing a look at her own blank canvas, she shook her head in amusement.  ❛ I like to mix realism and abstract… But I have painted numerous naked chests in my life, mostly of women. I like a little more detail though but I’m sure yours would be very appreciated in… Some gallery, ❜ she teased.

.

Jess nodded as she spoke. Thoughtful little Nadia. He wasn’t sure why it made him want to drag his gaze down the length of her as though it was the exact path he wished to travel with his hands, but it did. Tinder was not the sort of place he went to find thoughtfulness. But perhaps she was different.

And perhaps he liked that about her.

He didn’t give voice to his thoughts, though, only smiled as the sound of her laughter sounded muffled when she pressed into his shoulder. 

He was so pathetically touch-starved that he let himself wish for a moment that she could just stay there, gripping his arm and hiding a laugh against his body. Instead, he smirked as she pulled back, waggling his brows suggestively, though his face was playfully solemn. “Nope. Never seen a tit before in my life. It was actually going to be my Wish but the Make A Wish foundation realized I wasn’t actually dying and kicked me out.” His eyes widened, turning into his best imitation of sad, puppy eyes. “Please make my dreams come true, Nadia.”

Of course Nadia was nervous. She didn’t go on dates a lot to be honest becuase so many times it had turned to shit. She’d been stood up, ghosted right after and even when some of them showed up she’d had a terrible time and just felt uncomfortable. Her and Jess had gotten past the awkward introduction though and arrived at Happy Brush Hour. She did feel a little bad though, picking something that she felt like doing in the moment but he had agreed so they’d went and while he seemed a little rough around the edges sometimes it was kind of refreshing. He did make her laugh and that was something, even though it was sometimes very silly. 

The male’s words pushed a snort bordering on a giggle out of her when he spoke and her eyes scanned the guy Jess pointed out as most likely to paint a dick on his canvas. ❛ Well if not you then him, ❜ she mused as she leaned in to the side where Jess was sitting, her dark hues looking at him in the corners of her eyes as she pressed her lips together in a teasing smirk.  

Then her expression turned slightly apologetic, despite seeing that he wasn’t having a terrible time here. Hopefully. ❛ Sorry for dragging you here, I hope you wont hate it, ❜ she said softly.  ❛ A bar or a coffee shop just… Felt so basic. I didn’t want to be that, ❜ she added with a small laugh.

❛ If not genitalia, what are you going to attempt to draw? Maybe you’re a professional and just haven’t told me. ❜

.

Nadia laughed and it was like coming up from the depths of the water determined to hold him down, sucking in a sharp breath as though it were life itself. He had never been so without people, always surrounded by friends or fraternity brothers, or a new nightly companion. King’s Head Harbor had been an exercise in learning who he was stripped bare.

But for tonight, he could be that Boston version, the polished and calculated Jess who knew what he wanted and took it, who sought after smiles like that one she offered, and found ways to draw them out again and again. A purpose that wasn’t groveling at Stef’s feet and imagining the first time he met Nora as nothing more than her mother’s friend. 

No, he liked this version of himself much better.

“I don’t hate it,” he said honestly. “I’m learning maybe I’m a bit of a basic bitch myself since I would have invited you out to a bar, but in my defense, I’m new to town so. That’s it. That’s my defense.”

He turned back to his blank canvas, stroking his chin while he pretended to think. “I’ll have you know I am a professional. I take this very seriously. And as such, tonight my masterpiece shall be...” He dipped his paintbrush into the small tub of black paint and made a single bold stroke of black in the shape of a three that had been turned on its side. Dipping the paintbrush into the water, he went for the pink next and made two pink circles in the center of each. “Tits. As you can tell, my specialty is realism.” He grinned, eyes shifting over Nadia’s shoulder in time to catch the disappointed look on one of the employee’s faces. It only made him grin wider. “I hope you don’t let my overwhelming talent intimidate you. We all have to start somewhere. I’m sure whatever you decide to paint will be...” His eyes twinkled with mischief, “a work of art.”

Tinder dates, at least in Jess’ experience, didn’t usually start in a place like this. Generally speaking, he preferred bars, maybe a restaurant. It’d only ever been a means to an end. But now, he’d been left with a mess of nerves he wasn’t yet ready to untangle and too many empty hours in his small motel room. He felt untethered in a way he never had before and he just desperately needed human connection.

And that human connection took the form of a pretty girl named Nadia tonight. 

Taking a sip of his drink and glancing down at the arsenal of paints and paintbrushes they’d been supplied with, he had his doubts he’d be any good at this at all, but hopeful it would at least be kind of fun. A brief reprieve from his ego beating and abject loneliness. He was beginning to annoy himself with all his internal whining. 

“Okay, taking bets on who’s gonna be the first one to paint a dick on something,” Jess said, leaning in as his voice pitched low in a conspiratorial whisper. His eyes scanned the small space, zeroing in on a guy in flannel with a backwards hat currently using the paintbrushes as drum sticks on the edge of the table. “I say it’s gonna be that guy.”

A few seconds had passed as Stef tried to register the words that had passed through her ears. Kings Head had always been a place of comfort for her, which is why she decided to stay there instead of housing back in Italy with the rest of her family– other than her brother, of course. Now, it had started to feel a little more claustrophobic. 

“You moved here,” Her words mirrored his, less of a question and more of a statement. An audible sigh crossed her lips as she shook her head a little bit, trying to keep the headache from settling between her eyes. “Jess, this isn’t–,” She cut herself off, listening to his plea, wanting so, so badly for it to work in her favor. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much she would be able to do at this point, knowing he was already there. This may have been the symbol of naïveté that she had watched elders such as her mama and Nonna fall for in the past at the face of men, but this was different.

“Being here now doesn’t make up for then, Jess,” Their gaze only intensified by the fact that Stef wasn’t one to back down in defeat. It was possibly a great thing that Aless didn’t know what Jess looked like well enough to recognize him, especially if he was here in town. Nora deserved to have this relationship in her world, but Stef knew that it would have to be a forever thing– never a convenience. Loving Nora was going to be forever, not just when it was on Jess’ terms.

It hadn’t exactly struck her until she felt the words parting from her lips, “Come with me to pick Nora up from school tomorrow. She gets out at three,” Stef licked her lips, her stomach doing incredible flips underneath her ribs. “I don’t want her to know anything, okay? As far as she knows, you’re just her mom’s friend. It stays that way until I saw otherwise.” She sipped at her drink again, the coolness a stark difference from when it was hot. “Let’s just see how a few hours go.”

.

Jess watched her carefully, his eyes darting between hers and to her mouth and the way the muscles seemed to contract and set firmly. He was good at reading body language, good at predicting what someone might do or say next, but Stef had this uncanny ability to throw him off his game. He wanted so desperately to make her see that he was being genuine, his patience all but nonexistent on the matter.

Which, he did realize was unfair considering their daughter was now five years old. 

“I know,” he said, working to keep his teeth from gritting and his voice without an edge. “I can’t go back and change things, Stef. I made my choices and you made yours. But I need you to, just for a minute, let go of all of that and just look at me. I’m here. And I’m going to prove to you that I’m here because I want to be and I’m here to stay. You just gotta give me a chance.” 

It felt a little dirty, using his schooling, his penchant for appealing to the emotions of people, of strangers, and herding them in his favor. But he justified it to himself because he wasn’t lying. 

And then Stef spoke and ego went to war with understanding. He was supposed to meet his daughter as a friend of her mother’s? That was kind of shit, wasn’t it? Was it better to lie to her now and then tell her later ‘oh, by the way, mommy’s friend? Also your father! Surprise!’

Objectively, it made sense. Personally, he didn’t like the way it made him feel. Like he was being set up to be a guest star in his child’s life. But he swallowed down his pride and nodded. “I’ll be there. As your friend.” He couldn’t help the tinge of bitterness that leaked into his words, but maybe giving her these honest pieces of him was better than hiding them away, making it look like he said and did things simply because he thought she wanted him to. “Text me the address?”

“You know as much as I worry what you’ve been up to for the past five years, I have to say I don’t mind your thinking.” She beamed up at him with a shake of her head. Odette was an absolute sucker for anyone that appeared to be the under dog and she couldn’t help but believing in second chances - and third and fourth ones. Who was she to decide the time limit on someone learning to better themselves? At his next question she tilted her head. “I mean I think it’s definitely a mix of both.  Blue Hyacinths are supposed to represent peace but they’re sort of Ugly so I don’t get that. Then you have the Star of Bethlehem flower, they represent reconciliation, do you think that would work?” 

.

Jess smiled a little wider, a self-deprecating chuckle escaping in a breath. “I guess it depends on who you ask. But, mostly? I’ve just been avoiding my problems for a very long time. Which, apparently, doesn’t make them go away.” He shrugged, still playful-- a mask and shield really. “Who knew?”

Her stark honesty was refreshing and when he laughed this time, it was an entirely genuine sound. “Let’s leave the ugly ones out,” he decided with a nod, and slid his eyes to the little white flowers she was talking about. “I do like those, though. Definitely sprinkle some of those in. And she’s from... a well-to-do family, so if it’s possible to make it look expensive without actually being expensive, that would be great.”

– 

“Half a decade?” Odette asked with a low whistle as she looked back at the male. He didn’t look old enough to have so many apologise to make but then again she supposed it was possible that he could have started young. “It’s none of my business but have you tried just saying I’m sorry out loud?” The florist asked quietly as she pulled together a few flowers and began to form an arrangement with them ,no red and no roses in this bouquet - romance didn’t really feel like it was the right sort of fit. “We can always start there and use the flowers as a back up maybe?” 

.

Jess laughed, running a hand through his hair and rubbing at his neck. “Why didn’t I think of that?” he joked, though there was a tinge of uneasiness to it. He wasn’t about to unload on a perfect stranger, so he forced a wider smile on his mouth as he watched her work. “I was thinking maybe both at the same time? Slide in the apology, cover it up with some pretty flowers. Seems like a foolproof plan to me.” He leaned a little more easily into the joke as he nodded his chin in her direction. “Do flowers really all have their own meanings or is that more of a marketing scheme? Feels like a marketing scheme.”

Maybe she was too naive to be in a situation like this, which made it harder to get past. Of course she knew that Jess didn’t know how to get around this– she didn’t either! At this point, she was pretending that she did so she wouldn’t end up on the hurt end. Possibly, this could be a positive learning curve for both them.

Almost mimicking his actions, feeling the nerves radiating off of both of them, she nodded a bit solemnly as he spoke. “No, no, I completely– yeah, I understand.” She pursed her lips a bit as she bit the right side of her cheek. It felt like she couldn’t stand up to him the way that she had initially begun to, mostly because she knew in the back of her brain that this had always been for the best. But what if he really wanted this? It had been engrained in her for so long that this day would happen. Wrapping her thoughts around this being for the best was a difficult thing to do, for whatever reason the universe was giving.

In her fantasy world, that wasn’t the answer that she had wanted to hear. It felt easier to push this away and to disregard him as a person that could potentially be obligated to meet his own flesh and blood. Stef had protected Nora for every single moment of her life, and now that vulnerability was showing to it’s fullest potential. It couldn’t have scared her more. 

“It’s so much more than that,” It was almost a mute mumble, Stef felt herself getting that sticky feeling in the back of her throat that ached before tears would start. Not here. “I can resent you for the 4AM diaper runs to Walmart I had to make myself because no one else was there to help me and Nora wouldn’t stop screaming. I can also resent you dropping her off at her first day of preschool only holding one hand.” It felt that the coffee cup had started to disintegrate in front of her as her hands didn’t find anywhere else to stall. 

“I have to know that you’re here because you want to love her as much as I do, and no one will ever love her more than me.” Her eyes, usual steel blue, found their way to darken slightly to match her tone. When it came to handing over her daughters trust, it meant you were willing to fight wars for her. He had to know that– if he didn’t, he would now. “This can’t just be because you had an epiphany that being a dad looked ‘fun’ on TikTok or something ridiculous. This is my real life, my baby. So, you better step up. Or this just won’t work out.”

.

Jess watched her face carefully. Law school had helped him hone his craft-- how to read subtle nuances, how to remain one step ahead at all times. Watching her face, he studied her features for every muscle twitch, every blink, every time her eyes moved away from his. He tensed, finding doubt and mistrust on her face, and readied himself for battle. It wasn’t as though he didn’t think he’d earned every ounce of it.

He just needed a chance to prove to her that he was good for it. And he was willing to fight for that the best way he knew how. Arguing.

But then her words slammed into him, and he was sure if he hadn’t been sitting, he would have been sent staggering back. He’d thought about all the things he’d missed, all the milestones of Nora that had passed him by. Her first laugh, her first words, her first steps. All those big milestones that parents wax poetic about. 

He’d never considered all the little things. A fever in the middle of the night, frantic pacing while they waited for it to break. A boo-boo that a kiss could fix. Holding her hand in a parking lot. Watching her laugh and learn and interact with the world around her. 

Those little things suddenly felt like everything. 

“I moved here,” he confessed suddenly. “I left my job, my friends, my life. I left everything behind. Before I talked to you about it. Because I’m willing to fight for it. I know it shouldn’t have taken me this long to do it, but I’m here now.” He leaned across the table, his gaze intense and probing her to see him. “I’m here now.”

There was no reason to be nervous. The brunette had to keep reminding herself that the decisions that she had made in her life had not affected her daughter negatively, so there was no reason to feel any differently now that this situation had arose. That didn’t keep her from picking at her fingernails as she scrolled through her Facebook, looking at photos that she had taken recently. It was the best way to share her life with family and friends that lived over seas, but what she hadn’t taken in account is how much that may had been seen by other people, too. 

Nervously, she found that the zipper on her vest had been the most interesting piece of her wardrobe as she stared at it and solidly shredded the small threads. At the time, she knew that she should have mentioned to her brothers that this was where she was– this was who she was with. But, something told her to keep this to herself until she could figure it all out on her own.

As her eyes lifted, her chest jumped a few beats in pace. There. A tight smile crossed her lips as she tried to find words to leave her mouth. “Hi,” Stef hadn’t expected to feel this timid, but understandably, they had a lot more to talk about than she had figured. At his question, it had taken her a minute to rack her brain around it, a bit of confusion on her face as she shook her head. “Um, no,” She tucked the hair behind her ear, a friendly but guarded smile hung on her lips. “She’s having dinner with my parents, and I figured this definitely wasn’t an appropriate time for…,” Her words trailed off, sitting in the air. Stef had thought about this moment for a while– five years, to be exact. Somehow, the defensiveness for her daughter’s life had started to trouble her just by the sight of him. 

“This would have been a lot easier when she wasn’t asking about you, but she’s five now. So, there needs to be a proper conversation before that happens. An explanation isn’t necessary, but answers to a few questions are significant.” Stef’s eyes didn’t leave the man’s stature. “Let’s start off with, why now?”

.

It was incredibly hard not to get lost in the steel blue of her eyes. It’d been the first thing to ensnare him all those years ago, and its power had not dulled over time. He blinked and then blinked again, letting her words settle and digest before they settled down around him like a lead weight.

She was absolutely right. Of course, she was right. He should have expected that she wouldn’t see through to the heart of his intentions, especially not after five years of near radio silence. They still hardly knew each other. “No, you’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t really know how to... navigate... this whole--” He gesticulated nonsensically with his hands before he sighed and dropped them back to the coffee cup on the table, where he picked at the edges of the coffee sleeve. “Situation,” he settled on finally.

Her words hit their mark, making him want to shrink a little in his seat. Their daughter was five. He knew it, had seen it in photos, but for some reason, it felt more real now. And she’d asked about him. 

That struck somewhere below the belt.

He picked at the edges of the coffee sleeve some more and debated how to answer her question. Was it burying the lead if he waited to tell her he’d packed up his entire life and settled here? Was it coming on too strong if he told her right away? It felt as though there was no right way to navigate this and he swallowed hard. “Why now?” he echoed. “Now, because I’m sick of watching my daughter grow up in Facebook photos. Now, because I owe it to Nora, and I owe it to you, and I owe it to myself. I thought that I couldn’t want anything more than I wanted my career. I swore I would never be my parents, struggling to make ends meet and living for the next paycheck. I wanted to be better than that. And no matter how hard I try to tell myself that you’re both better off like this, because I’m still living for that next paycheck, I can’t lie to myself anymore. I want to know her. I want her to know me. I don’t want to be just a story you tell her. Not anymore.”

Stefania: Hey! Kind of surprised to hear from you.

Stefania: Yes, we can meet. I have a lot going on this week, but I have a little time this afternoon after school.

Stefania: How long are you in town?

Jess: Yeah. I'm sorry about that.

Jess: But cool. Just let me know what time and I'll be there.

He hadn’t had the foresight to charge his phone. Or, perhaps, he’d had the forethought to let it die just in case he got it in his alcohol-addled mind to call Stef before he was ready to drop the bomb of his arrival on her. Either way, as he made his way back to the motel in pitch darkness, he barely made it to his own door-- tracing the numbers by feel to make sure he was standing in front of the right one-- he searched his pockets for his keycard and found his wallet missing entirely. Panic began to really set in as he searched all of his pockets for a third time and came to the same conclusion.

He must have left it when he’d bought his drinks.

Cursing himself, he felt his way back through the hall and out into the streets where a slight madness at the blackout was beginning to dawn. He thanked the heavens for his good memory, though, as he retraced his steps easily enough to the place he’d been only a half hour earlier. But it was too dark to see much of anything and he pulled his phone from his pocket only to be reminded, once again, that it was dead and absolutely useless. 

Why didn’t he just stay in his room? Fuck.

“Excuse me?” he asked out loud in the general direction of the silhouette closest to him. “You wouldn’t happen to have a flashlight on your phone I could use really quick, do you?”