Not Your Average Girl

If you know me, you know I’ve struggled with my MH since I was young, if you really really know me, then you know how bad my MH gets and just how much I’ve actually struggled and suffered.

But no one fully knows the extent of my MH and mental illnesses because I can’t open my brain and show you exactly what is happening. Some days I wish I could show you, not for you to feel bad but for you to understand what it is like living inside my head.

I know many people who suffer feel the same, the illness itself is invisible, what you often see are the symptoms and side effects from the illness.

For example, my ADHD & CPTSD (Yes, I’m collecting the alphabet in diagnoses).

You might see me being super loud and chatty, filling the silence, making people laugh, keeping the group interacted, but inside my brain are thoughts like this:

“What if no one actually likes me”

“If I’m not funny enough, they won’t want me around”

“Is everyone okay, I better keep chatting so people feel like they can talk too”

“If it’s silent, I’m completely stuck in my own head”

“What if I’m too loud, I need to tone it down”

“Have I opened up too much, why do I always do this, I just want people to feel safe to open up too”

You might see me always moving around, constantly needing to be on the go, people say “I don’t know how you do it all”… the truth is, I’m afraid to stop.

I cannot allow myself to rest,

I worry people will think I am lazy.

I worry I’m letting someone down.

I worry I have missed something important.

I worry if I stop, my thoughts will take over.

Just a few examples!

I can’t explain exactly how my body feels, and unless you’re physically living in it, no one knows.

The constant aches from being on edge and alert.

The palpitations from anxiety.

The headaches from dehydration, racing thoughts, tension.

The itchy, agitated sensation that makes you want to peel your skin off.

The fatigue from having to do certain movements or actions to satisfy an obsessive thought.

The dizziness from my brain constantly spinning.

Again, a few examples!

Sometimes it’s hard to explain what’s going on inside your own brain because there are no words that fit. No matter how you explain it, it doesn’t quite seem to cover it all.

I have spent years trying to understand my own brain, and despite no one being able to ever fully understand, it has allowed me to better explain things to others and express my thoughts, feelings and how people around me can support me. It’s helped me explain how I show affection, it’s helped me set boundaries and learn to try and keep my own peace as a priority.

I have spent so much time wishing people could understand why I am the way I am, but this year I’ve worked on just accepting I am me and not everyone will get me.

I don’t have to please everyone.

I am worth loving, especially because I love and care so deeply for those who do love me.

I do deserve to be happy and to live and to keep fighting for what I want in MY life.

Mental illnesses suck, feeling low and suicidal sucks, never feeling enough - SUCKS!

I will always have to work hard to get through each day, I will never be able to open up my brain and show you exactly what is going on, nor can you do the same back to me.

It’s about accepting and trying to understand what you can’t see but most importantly… Loving what you do see💚

I have depression. It’s simple right? Everyone knows depression, it’s that thing that makes you sad. Isn’t it?

I wish it was just sadness, because sadness I can explain. Sadness makes sense to people. Something bad happens and then you’re sad, simple.

But sadness makes up a very small part of depression and everyone’s depression manifests in different ways.

I find it hard at times to explain my depression because I don’t have words that fit with what I feel, or I don’t feel.

My episodes of depression can begin very slowly. I don’t even see it coming. It creeps in bit by bit.

I suppose I first noticed it when I become tearful a lot easier. There’s the sadness aspect to it. I would relive painful memories often.

Then there can be moments of anger or numbness, fear or being overwhelmed. Suddenly all these emotions take over and you don’t always know what you’re actually feeling. However you carry on with everyday life and try to ignore the black cloud moving over you. You say ‘I’m fine’ to anyone who asks. But slowly you begin to fade into the darkness, nothing matters anymore. You become so exhausted from trying to get through each day.

People might see you as being ‘moody’ or ‘distant’ but you don’t mean to be. You withdraw yourself to protect others because you like a burden being around them.

Everything you once knew and everything you could do becomes difficult. The smallest of tasks feel impossible. There are days that brushing your teeth, or making a drink just feel overwhelming. You feel silly saying to people that you’re struggling with these things as you think they should be simple.

Depression strips you of all sense of security, you question everything. I often don’t feel human, it’s like I’m walking in a bubble and nothing around me feels real. I dissociate often and feel really lost. I never feel like I’m good enough and no matter what I do I just won’t be okay. It’s draining feeling so negative all the time.

And often people say things like ‘think positively’, ‘you have so much to live for’, ‘just stay busy’, ‘you’ve felt like this before, it will pass’. For me no matter what you say my brain will just shut it down, I can’t think positively, I don’t want to live, I am too tired to stay busy and great I’ve felt like this before but doesn’t mean I want to go through it again and it doesn’t make this any easier.

I’m sure it feels impossible to be around me, I can even feel how miserable I am to be around. But I genuinely can’t help it.

Depression isn’t just one bad day, or when something doesn’t go your way. It’s crippling. For me it’s chronic, it’s something I have to face time and time again. My brain doesn’t produce the right amount of chemicals.

I work so hard to get through life, i try and make the right choices and I honestly don’t want to be depressed.

So, to any of you fighting depression, I see you. I know you’re trying to fight when you feel like flying.

Do you ever wonder if we’re born with a certain amount of happiness and once you’ve used it all then it’s gone.

And certain events take off so much happiness from you, like trauma or grief.

And what if I’ve used mine up and my tank is empty and I’m just fighting for the scrappy bits at the bottom. Like when your car runs out of fuel.

A car you can refill with fuel but what if I can’t refill with happiness and I’m just left with this empty tank. When you leave a car with no fuel it doesn’t move and it’s just stuck in one place and if you try to move, parts slowly break and soon the car becomes useless and only good for scrap.

People always ask me why I wear sports clothes all the time, I just say because they’re ‘comfortable’. But the truth about the word ‘comfortable’ runs a lot deeper.

For example today I needed to go out to the shops, I felt like wearing a pair of jeans, you know something different for a change. I put a pair on and a cute top, I looked in the mirror and felt disgusted, I hated how my legs looked in the jeans, my huge thighs, my stomach bulging through, my flabby arms... everything just looked HUGE.

I tried on a different pair of jeans.... nope still the same, I felt nauseous and couldn’t even see my face properly in the mirror, everything looked weird and not real. I could only see the imperfections of my body. I grabbed at my thighs, my belly, my arms, hoping they could just shrink.

I tried on a different top but I could see my belly and arms and they were huge and disgusting.

I thought about what the people in the shops might say:

‘Eww why is she wearing that, she looks huge’

‘Those jeans are too small for her fat ass’

‘You can see her fat belly through that top’

‘That outfit doesn’t go’

‘Those jeans aren’t in fashion anymore’

‘Has she looked in a mirror recently’

The thoughts go on....

So I take the clothes off, give up on the idea of jeans and put my sports clothes back on. Feeling disappointed in my weight and frustrated with my size.

It’s not that I think sports clothes make me thinner it’s just a comfort I have become used to. I know exactly how I feel in sports clothes, I love comfy trainers and I can always count on my black leggings to make me feel a little more secure.

This isn’t to make people comment and make me feel better about myself (you won’t anyway) but just a little glimpse into me feeling ‘comfortable’ in sports clothes.

I have struggled with body image from a very young age, I know many others who have and still do. It’s horrible and debilitating. From the moment I wake up to the time I go to sleep I think about my weight and my body.