Jessica

I read this article about bulimia once. Poor people, it really makes you sick, doesn’t it?

The lazy anorexic, the nom and vom, the supposed ‘eating disorder’.

It’s bulimia my friends, the eating disorder nobody wants to have. Anorexia on the other hand… jeez she’s in high demand from unhappy women, second only to love.

Bulimia and its stigmatized association has almost a comedic theme to it. I know I’m adding this comedic aspect to the whole situation; it’s a coping mechanism! I swear!

Humour me though, it’s not like you can say your eating disorder is about ‘control’ when that is exactly what you’re lacking.

As I write this, I feel as if everybody will understand what I’m trying to say. In reality, barely anybody will. Rather than an eye-opening piece of writing that will make the reader feel and recount back to thatrough time in their life, I’m just going to get a bit of awkwardness, and the rare sympathetic thought. Anyways, for those who don’t understand bulimia, so virtually everybody (including myself); binging and purging is mandatory, whether it is via exercise, vomiting or laxatives. I, personally, don’t have experience with laxatives. That shit’s not for me.

On a more serious note, it’s a compulsion where extremities of control are present.

Whatever serious note I just added to that was probably in one ear & out the other, or in a bulimics case, in one hole, out the same 20 minutes later. I guess it also could be out the other if you’re into that laxative thing… like I said before, not my cup of alpine tea.

This isn’t supposed to be some year 7 research assignment where the basics are stated, but here I am googling bulimia like I haven’t had first-hand experience for the past 6 years. I’m often introduced to this girl, Bulimia is her name, Mia for short. She is usually accompanied by a cliché dictionary definition. “Bulimia is an emotional disorder characterized by a distorted body image and an obsessive desire to lose weight, in which bouts of extreme overeating are followed by fasting or self-induced vomiting or purging.” But, I’m a cliché kinda gal, so I dig that for her. I’m the stereotype of an eating disorder. Female. Teenager. Divorced parents. Unhealthy upbringing. You know, all the cool stuff. Mia is thin sometimes, but on other days she resembles a heifer. Sometimes, she is determined, other times she seems dull and lost. It’s as if she needs to make up her mind, does she want to be thin, or massive? She definitelydoesn’t mind when she’s shovelling food down her throat, but, must do when it’s coming back up in the toilet bowl. Literal money down the drain…

This was how I saw her when she was drowning me. She was a person that I didn’t want to disappoint. Was she my mother, who wanted me to excel in sports rather than academics? Was she my father, who didn’t want a ‘fat’ daughter? Or was she my school, who thrived off appearances? To this day, I’m still unsure who it was that influenced the personification of ‘Mia’, but they weren’t kind.

If bulimia had a positive, you could say its lack of ability to be romanticized. For some reason, I don’t think that idealizing the vomit smell on her breath and marks on her knuckles compares to protruding hip bones and pale, delicate skin.

Clearly, none of those things should be romanticized, but this world is a sick place, I could add another pun here, but after a while of joking about bulimia, it gets a bit sad. Talk of mental illness or trauma induces this ‘sad’, awkward and uncomfortable reaction from folks on the receiving end of the speech. So, how are we able to stop the shame? As much as I preach to ‘stop the stigma’, I’m realizing what a hard task it’ll be. I could start the mission for destigmatization of mental illness with this terrible piece of writing; but the humour won’t be funny to an audience. Well, it may be funny… but then there is a sense of mockery! Mocking us bulimics?! I mean, fair, but still. If there was another tactic to destigmatize mental illness; It would be to talk about it. Again, people on the receiving end of this ‘mission’ can’t exactly say or do anything if they haven’t had first-hand experience! Agreement or ‘understanding’ without known background diminishes the purpose, hence why that approach won’t work. If you’re in to romanticize the perfect outlook for this ‘mission’ a little more, lack of agreement comes hand in hand with a lack of concern. The ideal lose-lose situation!

So, is it more funding we need? More publication? Less association? More talk? Less categorization? More, or Less?

Or, is it a magic skinny pill?

hills of south Canterbury, New Zealand